The Art of Forgiving

by Lewis B. Smedes

"Lewis Smedes writes about forgiveness like no one has ever written about it before. There is no better book in the English language about this subject, which, if properly mastered, can change the face of human relationships."  
--Neil Clark Warren              

Author of The Triumphant Marriage and Make Anger Your Ally

If you are ready to make peace with those who have hurt or betrayed you, there can be no finer road map than this thoroughly practical book. Lewis Smedes brings true forgiveness, "Gods own gift," within the capacity of every wounded person, even in circumstances when only hate seems possible. With inspiring words, he leads you through the three stages of forgiveness and helps you understand:


Why we forgive (often the person who benefits most is the forgiver)
What we do when we forgive (perhaps not what we expect)
Whom we forgive (only those who directly wrong us)
How we forgive (we start by owning our pain)  


Using many dramatic examples drawn from life, this wise author illuminates, step by step, the healing path to peace and freedom.  

"Altogether a wonderfully wise and enabling book, one of Smedes's very best. The Art of Forgiving is itself a work of art. Throughout my reading I found myself exclaiming, 'That never occurred to me, but yes, that's right!' I felt as if I were being led by an extraordinarily lucid and perceptive guide on a tour through the land of forgiveness."    
--Nicholas Woltersdorff  
Professor of Philosophical Theology  
The Divinity School, Yale University

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Christianity, Psychology, Counselling, Christian Living

178 pages, Paperback

First published April 9, 1996

About the author

Lewis Benedictus Smedes (1921 — December 19, 2002) was a renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. He was a professor of theology and ethics for twenty-five years at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. His 15 books, including the popular Forgive and Forget, covered some important issues including sexuality and forgiveness.

Lewis Benedictus Smedes was born in 1921, the youngest of five children. His father, Melle Smedes, and mother, Rena (Benedictus), emigrated to the United States from Oostermeer, Friesland in the Netherlands. (Rena's name before being changed by the officials at Ellis Island was Renske.) When he was two-months-old, his father died in the partially completed house he built in Muskegon, Michigan. He married Doris Dekker. He died after falling from a ladder at his home in Sierra Madre, California on December 19, 2002. He was survived by his wife, three children, two grandchildren and one brother.

In addition to many articles, Smedes wrote many popular books including:

* Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Harper, 1984
* A Pretty Good Person What it Takes to Live with Courage, Gratitude, & Integrity or When Pretty Good Is as Good as You Can Be, Harper, 1990
* Standing on the Promises
* Choices: Making Right Decisions in a Complex World
* How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?
* Caring & Commitment: Learning to Live the Love We Promise
* The Incarnation in Modern Anglo-Catholic Theology
* All Things Made New
* Love Within Limits
* Sex for Christians
* Mere Morality: What God Expects From Ordinary People
* A Life of Distinction
* The Art of Forgiving
* Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve
* Keeping Hope Alive
* My God and I, a Spiritual Memoir, Eerdmans, 2003

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Forgiveness is a difficult process. One of my favorite parts of the book was this: "The way to hope for a better future after a bad past is the way of forgiving...We see the bad things that happened in the past through the lenses of whatever good has come to us afterward...Forgiving does not edit bad things out of our memories anymore than it makes the bad things good. Forgiving only helps us remember the positive things that follow it...Victims often twist the wrong someone else did to them into something that is wrong with them. If someone abandons us, we imagine that we were not worth keeping. If someone abuses us, something bad in us must have made him do it. If someone we loved stops loving us, we must be unlovable...Nobody can ever do anything more worthy of self-respect than to break the grip of a painful past she never deserved and walk dangerously with hope into the possibility of tomorrow...Forgiving does not remove our scars. When we are wounded once, wounded and wronged, deeply wounded, sorely wronged, we carry a scar that stays when the wound is healed. If we are wounded in the fifth chapter of our story, we write the sixth chapter as a wounded author. When a person forgives and the stitches are torn open by a remembrance of past wrongs, she can feel the healed pain again and be glad for the moment's connection with the past; it reminds her how good it is to be healed...One way to regain hope is to choose the new way of remembering that comes with forgiving the wrongs of the past."

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The power is our ability to imagine a future. The weakness is our inability to control the future. The answer to the problem of imagining a fute we cannot control is hope. And the way to hope for a better future after a bad past is the way of forgiving."

This book was on my list because I started a small group about forgiving with a new church I recently became involved with. Forgiveness wasn't necessarily something I felt I needed to work on. However, I was hopeful for an opportunity to connect with a new group of people. That being said... I found myself reading through this book wondering if I truly had a full grasp on the idea of forgiving. Smedes breaks it down into one simplistic thought. One needs to forgive when "a person did something that seriously wounded and wronged [us]." This idea was the first to throw me a bit. The idea that it had to be a person, not an organization or an institution, a person. I then reflected on some of my past experiences and how I handled "getting over" things that happened to me. After all forgiveness allows our souls to move forward in life rather than being bogged down on something that happened to us 15 years ago and is no longer pertinent to our current life. Was I forgiving the wrong thing, or even the wrong person? Was I forgiving willy nilly rather than for something that Seriously hurt me? The conclusion I came to was I needed to sit down and see if there was anything that was still harping at me that I might need to work through in order to keep moving along in my life. If your wondering whether I found something or not that's for me to know ;)

Smedes also explored the idea that forgiving is part of our humanity, it is natural. This because God forgave us for our sins so we should feel inclined to forgive others as well. What a hard one to swallow! I know my first instinct is not to even think about forgiving the person who hurt me. Although as a group we discuseed the idea that there are actually stages to dealing with wallops that come at you.

Throughout this book Smedes writes about true accounts that have happened to everyday people like us that he connects to his "steps" and ideas. I thought this helped understand where he was coming from. I could see it in action so to speak. I found his writing quite witty and very creative. Although I know there were some in the group who would disagree with my opinion.

Here are a few thoughts I found either vastly important to the message or just plain witty/artful writing.

"Forgiving has no strings attached. Reunion has several strings attached."
"There are only two genuine options for responding to a personal injury that we did not deserve. One of them is vengeance. The other is forgiving."
"Forgiving ALWAYS opens the future to better possibilities."
"... you cannot have pleasures of body-life without the risk of pain."
"... for grace is shorthand for God wishing us well."
"Some wrongs are worse than other wrongs. Some scratch the skin and others scour the soul."
"If we wait to long to forgive, our rage settles in and claims squatter;s rights to our soul."
"Their investment in healing usually grows, even with all dividends reinvested, in modest increments. There is turbulence along the route, too, and forgivers can getto feeling that their investment in forgiving as a sucker's choice."

[Bryden Banister · Rating 5 out of 5]

“When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is us.”

Loved this book - incredibly helpful and helped me look at forgiveness in new ways.

[Chris French · Rating 5 out of 5]

We make forgiving sound so easy. “Just forgive them and move on.” It’s not quite that simple most of the time. Lewis Smedes gives us a 1-2-3 step approach to forgiving while saying that sometimes forgiveness is not the right answer.

To forgive someone you need to first rediscover their humanity. When someone hurts us they become only what they did to us. They become an abuser, an adulterer, a liar when in truth they are much more than that. We need to remember that they’re not evil incarnate. They’re human and here’s a newsflash so am I! I make mistakes and I hurt people too. The second step to forgiving them is when we surrender our right to get even. Revenge is on our minds, but we have to put it away. Revenge is our pleasure at seeing the one who hurt us feel pain. We’re supposed to bring joy, peace and love not pain! The third step to forgiveness is revising your feelings. Forgiveness is a decision, a tough decision sometimes, but a decision nonetheless. You can decide to stop hating the person. You can decide to start praying for good things to happen to them and while you may not mean those prayers yet your feelings will eventually follow your words.

Did you know that forgiveness is not the solution we should reach for every time someone hurts us. We have to make sure we were hurt by an individual. We can’t forgive a nameless entity. We can only forgive individuals so we need to figure out who it was that hurt us. It also needs to be an action that hurt us. I can’t forgive someone for who they are, I can only forgive them for what they do. I can’t forgive someone for being a liar, I can forgive them for lying to me though. I try to improve their character, but I can’t forgive their character, only their actions. Forgiveness is also only for serious wounds. People hurt us everyday. I’ve been offended by the box I order my Big Mac on before. I can’t forgive the person that was rude to me though because that’s not a forgivable offense. Forgivable offenses are offenses that result in me hating the person that hurt me. We can also only forgive someone for wronging us. If you’re in prison for murder you’re in pain, but not wrongful pain. You got what you deserved. I can only forgive someone if they wrongfully hurt me. There must be a betrayal involved.

You also need to know that just because you forgive someone does not mean that you necessarily allow them to return to the spot they occupied in your life prior to the betrayal. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation, although it certainly can. Also a person doesn’t have to ask for our forgiveness for us to give it. You may be saying, “That’s not right! They’ve got to show some remorse!” Now you’re talking about reconciliation. To be reconciled to a person they would need to show remorse for their actions and how they hurt you. At that point, and only that point, could you be reconciled to them. It’s your decision. What about a person that doesn’t show remorse? You can still forgive them. They don’t even have to ask for it! Because forgiving them isn’t about them, it’s about you! That hate you’re keeping in your heart over how they hurt you will seep out of the little hole you’ve put it in and it will start to effect other parts of your life. When you forgive them you let go of that hate and you can begin to flourish again. If you hold on to the hate you feel you’re just letting them continue to hurt you. If that person had beaten you so badly that you had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks but all of a sudden you realized you had the power to heal those wounds and take the pain away wouldn’t you? We’re talking about the same thing here only the wounds are internal.

There’s so much more Smedes says, but there’s not room for all his advice here. There are several things he said that I’m going to need time to chew over, but this has been the most helpful book I’ve ever read on forgiveness.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favorite part of this book was how we didn't have to accept what the person was doing. We didn't have to let them be part of our lives. They still had to be accountable for their actions. We aren't letting them off the hook. We are letting ourselves off the hook. We bring peace to our own lives. We don't waste one more minute worrying about something we have no control over. I also liked that we felt hurt because when someone hurts us it makes us feel like we don't have value. When in fact we all have value. When we let go of the hurt and anger and forgive it isn't really about the other person anymore.

[Kipi (the academic stitcher) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars

An excellent look at what biblical forgiveness is and does and what is not and does not. I think I prefer Miroslav Volf's Free of Charge (thus the four and a half stars instead of five), but this one is also very much worth reading.

[Susie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good clarification about the things that forgiveness is and is not. Also goes through the hows of forgiving, and what to do when you find that it is especially hard, or when you worry that you have gone backwards.

[Katie Kreis-Voigt · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book for work, to help families understand what it might look like to forgive each other when they’re also doing business together. The author gave a lot of great stories and steps to contemplate the proper time and situation for forgiveness. This book was written through a Christian lens, and I found myself wanting qualified data and surveys to back up what Smedes was saying. I think the framework resonates with me, but it is a little dated (older than I am) and the language is inaccessible and unnecessarily fluffy/circumventing the point at times.

[Mitchell Dixon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very simple. It gives great tips for forgiveness and does a great job of distinguishing between forgiveness and reconciliation. Just because you forgive does not mean that the person should be given the same status they previously had in your life.

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was not the intended audience but I had to read this for class. This was terrible. I can’t recommend it for anyone

[Jerry · Rating 3 out of 5]

There's a lot of wisdom about forgiveness and how the gospel drives it. There are also a few flies in the ointment. For example, Smedes worries about “fast forgivers” who forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain (p137ff). This makes a lot of sense, not to fake forgiveness or say we forgive when we really don’t, but he never deals with what Jesus says in this regard: “forgive us our trespasses as those who trespass against us”, which is to say, right away because God doesn’t hold our sins against us. He talks about waiting for the right time and quotes Nelson Mandela, “Ah, yes, forgiving, it will have to come to that sometime, but not yet, not while the boot is still on our neck” (p139). It’s hard not to think of Jesus forgiving His mockers from the cross while worse than the boot is on his neck, praying to the Father to forgive them, extending His own forgiveness. In other parts of the book Smedes addresses the problem with thinking we can control others or protect ourselves by not forgiving, but I think he misses it here.

Similarly he also encourages people to “stay angry” and says, “Anger is aimed at what persons do. Hate is aimed at persons”, but Jesus connects the two: "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matt. 5:21-22). Anger against sin, including sin against us, can be good and righteous, but rather than “stay angry”, we’re told “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Eph. 4:26). We can get faithfully angry every day, but in order to keep it faithful and not make us bitter and unrighteously angry, we have to put it away with the sunset. So often people sleep on it thinking that will help but all it does it is marinate the problem overnight.

Forgiveness a promise: it’s something we do every day, maintaining the forgiveness we've granted in the past, and promising to forgive like Christ does again tomorrow. Of course we know that we can sin and grieve the Holy Spirit again tomorrow, but if we confess it, He really forgives us again and so His mercies are new every morning, enabling us to walk free and full of joy.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book for anyone who needs to forgive anyone any wound. It is a follow up to "Forgive and Forget," which was the what and why of forgiving; this is supposed to be the how, and is subtitled "When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How." It still rehashed a lot of the what and why, however, and did not contain enough practical "how." If you've already read Smedes's earlier book, you won't get a great deal more out of this one, but if you are picking only one of the two to read, I would suggest this one because it at least has some "how."

One helpful thing in this book was the caveat that forgiving does not mean you never again get angry when you think about the injury. The distinction the author makes between anger and hatred was helpful:

—“Forgiving is not anti-anger any more than love is anti-anger….The enemy of forgiving is hate, not anger. Anger is aimed at what persons do. Hate is aimed at persons. Anger keeps bad things from happening again to you. Hate wants bad things to happen to him. Anger is the positive power that pushes us toward justice. Hate, by that token, is the negative force that pushes us toward vengeance…So if you get angry when you remember what he or she did to you, it does not mean that you have not forgiven him. It only means that you get mad when people do bad things to you.”

This book is specifically Christian in focus and uses Biblical examples.

[Jay Pope · Rating 5 out of 5]

This slim and extraordinarily easy read contains some of the most profound words of healing ever expressed in the English language. In many ways, it is quite superior to Smedes' earlier work, the seminal and misleadingly titled "Forgive and Forget", the first-ever major publication on the subject of forgiveness coming from theology or the social sciences. The pearls of wisdom expressed in this masterpiece are frankly too numerous to rehash here; however, this is the kind of work that needs to seep deeply into the human soul, penetrate the marrow, and slowly change each of us from within. It is raw in its profundity and power, and beautiful, too, in a kind of unflinching and yet tender way. At every turn it is human and humane and made all the more so in its showing how forgiveness lies at the heart of God's relationship to us. As a therapist, I recommend this book to almost all of my clients who struggle with bitterness and unresolved grief/trauma and it has been a revelation to each of them. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this short book - especially at the beginning - were so refreshing and insightful and practical, that I started thinking it could be the best book I’ve read on the subject. But there also were some chapters, more toward the middle, that were confusing, a little odd, and - to my mind, anyways - even unscriptural. Hence the 3 stars. Many chapters I would give 5 stars for sure. But others I thought were 1 star.

If you are willing to separate the chaff from the grain, and read this with an awareness of what scripture says, I do recommend it.

A couple of the things he said were incredibly helpful to me in understanding my own heart and in evaluating the difference between forgiving and blindly tolerating sin in a person that I am close to.

Lewis Smedes writes beautifully with striking word pictures, and he always makes me ponder — and for that, I am deeply grateful.

[Louis Lapides · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my second reading of this book. The first time reading The Art of Forgiveness, I did not like what I read. I felt Smedes was more into psychology than biblical principles. However, after 15 years the advice in this book is helpful. I am older and have more questions and experiences as well as more hurts.

So I found the topics covered helpful. Yet Smedes did not cover enough scripture to support all his wonderful insights. I still struggle with forgiving people who do not repent but I understand the need more. I was truly helped by his counsel on how not forgiving hurts the victim perhaps more than the perpetrator. I recommend the books, but I will not stand behind everything Smedes has written.

[Mark Tompkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great breakdown on the forgiveness format. The book gave many simple and extreme examples of who can forgive, who does not have the power to forgive and under which circumstances... Greatest take aways: A. that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things; B. Forgiveness is a healing process after recognizing the impact of an offense; C. I will process the forgiving process differently in the future, in business and in personal realms.

Read this book in 1 day. Will use as a reference, and if re-read, will do so more slowly...

[Irene Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full of beautiful and practical ideas, as well as some worth deeper reflection, this is a very enlightening book that can help demystify the nature and process of forgiveness. With the scales of society seeming to tip towards blame and hatred, this little book has big, valuable messages for our time and our spirit. Don't be put put off by the religious slant of this book, its core ideas are valid for anyone of any faith, as well as those who don't prescribe to any particular religion.

[Celine Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are lots of good nuggets in here. I’d say just be aware that this was published in the 90s and therefor the pronoun language is a little odd. It’s written quite colloquially and conversationally, which is not my preferred style. However, the information (which is what matters) is true and good. Empathetic and practical. Quite thorough.

[Kelsey Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It gave deeper insight into forgiveness as a process while I had some additional thoughts related to the subject and continued by understanding of forgiveness via workshops this was an excellent primer on the subject.

[Kenneth Garrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful, very challenging exploration of forgiveness. Practical throughout, Smedes makes his case for forgiveness as an act of self-care that the reader may be led to not only feel compelled to forgive, but strongly desirous of doing so.

[Christine Mae]

Good

[Luke]

Bitterness is a prison.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was fairly repetitive. Some of the examples were outdated.

[Michelle Brooksby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another very helpful book.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is helpful to those who are trying to forgive hurts, but equally as helpful for those who have already forgiven, but are unable to forget.

[Krista Horn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful for thinking through the many facets of forgiveness, with lots of Scripture references to guide the thought process.

[Sarah Heimbruch]

Great book- required reading for a class

[Corrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have fumbled through forgiving so much, and I wish I had read this sooner. I am hopeful at how this will help me in the future. I definitely recommend it.

[Cathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and helpful analysis of a topic that has many layers and applications that are situation dependent.

[Gechi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative. A stepwise guiding to forgiving. Talks a bit about why forgiveness is important as well.