Living When a Loved One Has Died: Revised Edition

by Earl A. Grollman

When someone you love dies, Earl Grollman writes, "there is no way to predict how you will feel. The reactions of grief are not like recipes, with given ingredients, and certain results. . . . Grief is universal. At the same time it is extremely personal. Heal in your own way."

If someone you know is grieving, Living When a Loved One Has Died can help. Earl Grollman explains what emotions to expect when mourning, what pitfalls to avoid, and how to work through feelings of loss. Suitable for pocket or bedside, this gentle book guides the lonely and suffering as they move through the many facets of grief, begin to heal, and slowly build new lives.

Genres: Grief, Poetry, Self Help, Nonfiction, Death

113 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1979

About the author

Dr. Earl A. Grollman, a pioneer in the field of crisis intervention, was rabbi of the Beth El Temple Center in Belmont, Massachusetts for thirty-six years. A past president of Massachusetts Board of Rabbis, he took early retirement from his congregation so that he could devote himself to writing and lecturing. A certified Death Educator and Counselor, he was cited as “Hero of The Heartland” for his work with the families and volunteers of the Oklahoma City Bombing.

Dr. Grollman has spoken at many colleges, clergy institutes, seminaries, physician’s forums, and hospital nursing associations; and addressed many support groups such as Compassionate Friends, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and Widows Personal Services. He has also appeared on national television and radio—the Oprah Winfrey Show, Children’s Journal, All Things Considered, and Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Recently, he was featured on National Public Radio’s End of Life Series, in the roundtable discussion on grief and bereavement.

Reviews

[Paige L · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great handbook for grief. When I first lost my dad, I bought so many books on losing a loved one, but I could never bring myself to read them. I was searching for comfort or maybe an answer, but couldn’t face that pain head on.
The last anniversary of my dad’s death was the first time I felt like I could keep my head above water. I love that this book makes a point that time does not necessarily heal the wound, your efforts through that time do.

Overall, a worthwhile read.

[Lesley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a quick little book written in verse. I will return to it repeatedly, and am considering using it for journaling. It is broken into sections: Shock, Suffering, Recovery and A New Life. I identified completely with the sentiments expressed in Shock and Suffering. This was helpful, because it makes me feel like what I'm experiencing is "normal." The book begins:

"Your loved one has died.
Everyone dies. You learned this as a child.
On countless occasions you fantasized
about how you would react when
death strikes

Your loved one has died.
You are unprepared.

The death struck like
a tidal wave.
You are cut loose from your
moorings.
You are all but drowning in the
sea of your private sorrow.
The person who has been a part of
your life is gone forever.

It is final, irrevocable.
Part of you has died."

I know this exactly. And just having it written there for me to read makes me feel a little less scared.

I liked this line in Shock:

"There is no comfort.
Absence becomes the only presence."

There is an enormous hole in my life... it's practically the only thing I'm aware of right now. I "function" --to the extent you can call it that -- from the depths of this dark, inky, oily hole. Maybe sometimes I get to the event horizon for a moment, balance on that razor's edge... then I find I'm in it again, and have only a foggy memory of the moment of lightness, clarity, lucidity.

Anyway... I shall return to this book again and again... looking forward to the day when I identify with Recovery and New Life.

[Viktoriya · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book helped me to understand that the emotions I am experiencing after losing my sister and my dad are normal.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

A month ago or so, my best friend in the entire world died. I have been struggling so hard with this, feeling like I should be "okay" by now. I felt lost, so I walked to the self-help section of Half Priced Books and looked through the books on grief. Many were set up with a format of each stage of grief- but that's kinda bullshit. Because I think I still am in every stage at once. I found this book and saw it was set up like a poem - not many words on each page. Something easy to my eyes.
This book surprisingly helped me a lot. I think I will put it in my classroom and also gift it to others when they have a loss.

Page 107:
Your loved one is still part of your life.
What it was that made your beloved dear to you, you can make real for others.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read this over many times.
If you or someone you know is needing support with the loss of a loved one this is the book for that person. Grief is a weird thing. I go to this book all the time for support. It’s very short and a great read. I love this support book for after death - it’s not corny or religious. It’s very easy to pick up at any point. I can’t recommend it enough.

[Gayle Pritchard · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t have the revised edition, just the 1977 paperback. It’s an old book, and probably helped a lot of people. Though practical, it left me cold.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good starting point...good outline especially for teens/young adults dealing with grief for the first time. It's broken down onto a handful of meaningful words per page. This frequent page turning annoyed me at first probably more than it would normally as my hand is hurt, however it is actually wise. Each bit is enough for one grieving and really struggling in the immediate aftermath of death, loss and resulting changes in life to think about as it relates to them to deal with at a time.
I found this on my 17 yr old daughters bookshelf this morning after she left early for a leadership conference she was invited to attend for the third year in a row. I read it in one quick gulp, and much of it already, a month and 18 days since her father/my husband died, was very familiar to me as thoughts and feelings I've had, actions I've done. The past wk was a bit rougher again with some of our 4 children having had graduations, formals, awards etc as the school yr ended. I am sure I will refer back for a comforting verse on occasion. Recommend as a starting point, especially if you are having trouble concentrating to read longer works as I was the first month or so after the death. Good luck.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an interesting little book. I find myself flipping back and forth and re-reading. I wasn't expecting to feel anything while reading this book, but it helps put into words exactly what I am feeling, and that has given me some relief from the hurt. There is also some advice for moving forward towards a future much different than the one that I had planned.


"Are you using the time to face up to
the fact that the one you loved is dead?

Are you using the time to give vent
to your fears anxieties?

Are you using the time to create a capacity for enjoyment without feeling
guilty?

Are you using the time to build a
life with new friendships?

Is there an upward slope of improvement?

YOU must help time do its healing."

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I happened upon this volume when searching for another Earl Grollman book that had been suggested to me after the passing of a dear friend. As the suggested book was now out of print, I perused the shelves for another, and this one caught my eye immediately. It is not a novel; rather, a collection of poems that captures the various stages of grief, covering the initial shock, grieving, and eventually moving forward. I felt as if this collection was put together specifically for ME--something I desperately needed at the time. It is more than a year later, and I still refer to it for inspiration. Thank you, Rabbi Grollman.

[Travel Writing · Rating 1 out of 5]

Having just lost my brother, I am reading a plethora of grief books. This one must be my least favorite. It is written in little easily digestible vignettes; Shock, Suffering, Recovery, and a New Life.

I am sure many will find this little book a treasure. I found it trite and condescending. It was like reading bumper stickers. The last page of the recovery section reads,

Can you say the word dead?

Try.

Death is a fact. A bitter fact.
Face it.


I felt like I was getting punched by Sesame Street's Same Sound Brown, only he was a vicious muppet asshole in this version.

[Davida · Rating 5 out of 5]

I give this book to anyone I can when someone they love dies. I have lost several people in my life, but I was first given this book when my father passed away while I was in college. In all of my experience this book has impacted me the most and has proven to be one of the best books to give someone who is experiencing a loss. To put this is in a little more perspective, I have at least 15 books about loss and grief on my shelf, and half of them are clinical/for treating my clients. This one is still the stand out.

[Georgette · Rating 4 out of 5]

My brother died unexpectedly, and I needed to find something to help me process all the thoughts rampaging around in my head. I found this title in Borders, and sank to the floor crying after reading a random page. It's pretty straightforward, broken up into bite-sized pieces, and had some good things to say. I found it reassuring, and heard what I needed to hear at that moment.

[Sojalattens · Rating 3 out of 5]

First book of the year that I finished reading. Full disclosure- it was only 101 pages and just a selection of short thoughts about losing someone you love and how to move on from it.

Now, a lot of the things written in this book felt kind of obvious, to be fair that might be because if you have ever dealt with grief before, (no matter if it’s from a death of a loved one or if it’s something else you’ve lost that has altered your life) you usually gather some tools to cope with life. But even though we might have some understanding about grief work, it still feels good to hear someone else confirm that your way of grieving is ok, and that you will get out on the other side.

I read this book 10 days after my father’s death. It’s how I handle life in general, I have to read and learn about whatever I’m facing and I have to laugh and make jokes about it. I felt like this book wasn’t as informative as I needed it to be, it was more poem-like texts that didn’t really cover all of the different ways grief can manifest itself. It felt a bit one sided, as if everyone grief’s in the same way.

I am sure this book will resonate with some, but I’ll give it 3/5 stars (it’s closer to a 2/5, but I’m not sure I feel yet)

[Lệ Lin]

"Grief is universal.
At the same time it
is extremely personal.

Heal in your own way."

__

" "Time heals," many people say,
It may.
It may help to dull your pain.
But the medicine of time,
taken by itself,
is not sure.

Time is neutral.

What helps is what you do with time."
___

a book written in verse, simply as that.
loss and death haunt me
I keep going back to them in books, ridiculously.

*blog

[Jeanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this book would be more helpful for me.
The language used was seemingly telling me what I felt, which succeeded in angering me.
I was actually looking for "How To Survive The Loss of A Love", which saved my life during a period of grief many years ago, and which, thinking I no longer needed it, I passed on to another friend suffering with grief.
But the human condition being what it is...grief comes again.
I will find another copy of the other book. This one...not for me.

[Kristin Freeman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love the book. Short poems. I wish I found this book year ago when I needed some comfort when life hit a dark hole. Would recommend to someone who needs healing and others to read that know someone that is going through the healing process.

[Blane Rivera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Because you, yourself, have experienced grief,
you are better able to understand the heartaches of others.
As you lift a hand to help another, you are lifting yourself.
This read touched me deeply. It was beautiful.

[Brenda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grollman: Living when a loved one has died

It is a book that gives a perspective on death and coping with it. It offers insights and advice on how to deal with the future. Worthwhile reading!

[Jacquelyne · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good little grief book. Articulates grieving processes well. I will keep it on the shelf for those times I need the support

[Cindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Cried thru it. Not too helpful

[Meriam Traya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let’s just say I cried after reading this. It was that good.

[Ellie Book Worm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty helpful during times of grief.

Pretty basic.

Some is relevant, some religious, some might not apply

[Tommie Niland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! A must read for anyone who has lost a loved one. I have read it twice through and will read again and again.

[Pandaduh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I struggled to return this book back to the library.

[C.J. Frederick · Rating 5 out of 5]

The perfect soothing text full of comfort for the grieving mind. Thank you, Rabbi Earl Grollman. RIP

[Rachel Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Touching

This book was compelling and I enjoyed reading it. It opened up some new questions and ideas I’d not thought of before.

[Wayne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Earl A. Grollman, a pioneer in the field of crisis intervention, was rabbi of the Beth El Temple Center in Belmont, Massachusetts, for thirty-six years. A certified death educator and counselor, he was cited as "Hero of The Heartland" for his work with the families and volunteers of the Oklahoma City bombing.

I read this book based upon the recommendation of a friend. It hits you right in the face. YOUR LOVED ONE IS DEAD. Dead, what a terrible word. Get used to it? Not my Mary. I prefer to think of her as being alive in heaven with her loved ones, Jesus and the Lord. I am the one not living because I am in this sinful earth. She is the lucky one. I am the unlucky one.

The book is a very quick read. I read it in less than an hour. If you are grieving you will have to stop in the middle because your tears will blur the words. Dr. Earl Grollman describes all the emotions you may have. I say may have because everyone is different. I do not know what is the best time to read this book after you lose a loved one. But you should read it at some time. It was not easy for me to be sure. Perhaps that was the purpose of the author. If it was he succeeded.

[Rusty · Rating 4 out of 5]

A most thoughtful little read for those who lose someone. Divided into four sections: Shock, Suffering, Recovery and A New Life, the book is written in verse that allows one to ponder and muse over the written words. I will share some of the most meaningful entries for me:

Shock (p. 7):

Why?

How often in happy times did you ask "Why?"

When blessings were yours and life was joyful, did you ask "Why?"

Now death has shaken your faith,
"Why?"
"Why me?"
"Why didn't I die first?"
"Why must my life be one of sorrow?"
"Why?"

Suffering (p. 24)

Denial

"Oh, dear God, it isn't true."

"Not to me!"

"There must be some mistake."

"When I wake up, I'll find it didn't really happen."

Recovery (p. 52):

Oh, God,
Giv e me the courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, and the wisdom to distinguish between the two. ....Thomas C. Hart

A New Life (p. 106)

Death brings you a choice.
It can lead you
to the edge of the abyss.
Or you can build a bridge
that will span the chasm.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a lovely book, written poetically, which was very appropriate to its subject. Through it I learned that my feelings at this time are perfectly normal, and that there is a chance of a good life in the future.

[Jo Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title says it all. I love the prose/poem style of the book. It really does speak truth to my condition for which I am grateful. There is very little there that I don't know already, but I appreciate the affirmations -- particularly the one about people giving me advice.