Happy at Last: The Thinking Person's Guide to Finding Joy

by Richard O'Connor

From the bestselling author of Undoing Depression – a groundbreaking program to get happy and stay happy!

Happiness has been written about by everyone from the Dalai Lama ( The Art of Happiness ) to Daniel Gilbert ( Stumbling on Happiness ), but in Happy At Last Richard O'Connor takes a fresh look at what happiness is, why we are happy (or not) and how we can stay happy. How? He says we can rewire our brain to be more receptive to happiness by learning to control how our minds work. Drawing on the latest scientific and psychological research, and filled with practical advice and exercises, Happy At Last is the definitive guide to

• The core skills that we need to feel fulfilled in today's world

• Strategies for increasing happiness

• Techniques for keeping sadness and stress at bay.

Richard O'Connor makes it possible to be, finally, Happy At Last!

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Health, Audiobook

320 pages, Paperback

First published October 28, 2008

About the author

Richard O'Connor, PhD, is the author of Undoing Depression, Undoing Perpetual Stress, and Happy at Last. For fourteen years he was executive director of the Northwest Center for Family Service and Mental Health, a nonprofit mental health clinic, where he oversaw the work of twenty mental health professionals in treating almost a thousand patients per year. He is a practicing psychotherapist with offices in Connecticut and New York, and lives in Lakeville, Connecticut.

Reviews

[Sabine · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.7 stars

Even though I am a bit disappointed because my expectations were too high. This book has some very good advice on how to improve happiness. A good start is an attitude adjustment and then learning to appreciate the little things in life that occur pretty much on a daily basis.
There is a lot of repetition and learning involved. This book is a great start but I feel like I better do a lot more reading up and thinking about improving my happiness and how to spread it.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

Now THIS is my happiness guru! I have finally found someone who talks about happiness and positivity and achieving the goal in a way that does not sound too facile. Richard O'Connor does not sound like a guy who naturally walks on the sunny side of the street all the time. Not only is he a credential holding therapist..and a decently witty writer...he also admits to having fought his own battles with depression and phobic behaviors and other neurotic stuff.

Too many of the positive psych crowd tend to come off as naturally bubbly...the sort of people who WANT to roll out of bed at 5:30 AM to hit the gym, do self affirmations for an hour and then head into their perfectly ordered super-lives. I can't take these people seriously. If we all got off on round the clock can-do-ism then I don't think we would need books on getting one's act together without driving oneself bedlamite.

I related to the 'struggle' to find time to make oneself happier. The part of this book that had the most resonance for me was the section where O'Connor points out all the facets of contemporary society that are designed to make us UNHAPPY. We live, in this particular moment in time, in a manner that is exponentially different from the way human beings have ever lived and interacted with one another before. Some of these changes are fantastic. (flush toilets, anesthetic,) Others are terrible (isolation, the constant harangue to 'multi-task') This book was worth it if only for the way it pointed out that I am not alone in feeling so out-of-step with the way modern life is set up.

However, there was a lot of other information in this particular happiness book that I liked so much that I am going to recheck the book out and copy out several passages for future thought.

All in all, this was exactly what a 'thought provoking' read should be. I was interested in O'Connor's take on happiness. I am further interested in trolling his bibliography for more titles that he made to sound worthwhile. And, I will look for his other books.

Being happy takes work. But, as he says several times: happiness is smaller than you think. Be mindful. Keep perspective. Don't follow the crowd in society if it does not work for you. (And there is solid evidence that it does NOT work for a lot of us.)

I am a fairly happy person. But I have my limits. I can't get into a perspective of constant Pollyannaism. And I'll never truly get over my sarcasm. Nice to know that there are some crunchier approaches to the happiness movement out there.

[Dani]

Most pessimistic, unhappy book about happiness EVAR.
It starts off like: "Most of us want to be happy. But the economy's in the shitter, and it's going to be harder and harder to even scrape by. What can we do about this? NOTHING."

Like.... thx.

And then the guy is like, "I know what I'm talking about! I suffer from clinical depression!"

O? ... couldn't tell. You've made such an admirable recovery.

I'm on disc 2, and it's talking about not bothering with all that self-improvement crap you've been attempting for years upon years. If you could really change all the stuff that sucks about you, you'd have done it already.

I'm tempted to think he has a point, but I have improved a lot at cleaning my house and having less clutter around over the past seven years or so, so that makes me wonder.


Two more things that annoy me about this book:

Bad wording/phrasing. Anyone who uses the word "gloomy," or the word "glum," or any other word starting with gl-, automatically loses one star. More if you use these words repeatedly, which the author does. Bad phrasing sprinkled throughout. At one point he talks about spending your 20's "stoned to the gills." Hi. That's not an expression. Ugh.

Neuroscience and other of Psychology's Greatest Hits. I suppose it's not the author's fault that I've alrady heard about the damn study where the kids decide whether to eat one marshmallow now or two later about a hundred thousand times. But it's still damn annoying when someone tells you stuff in this tone like YOU WILL BE FASCINATED TO KNOW when, in reality, yeah, already heard that one. thanks.
It IS, however, the author's fault that he makes repeated reference to "the new neuroscience." MRI MACHINES HAVE MADE US OMNISCIENT! cool.


Hmm, a note from someone's review on amazon that makes me want to entirely stop reading this book:
"He contradicts himself, at one point saying talking less is a useful technique to achieve happiness, as it detaches you from your own thoughts and allows to focus on and appreciate others. Roughly 50 pages later he's recommending acting as an extrovert to achieve more happiness."

Deal-breaker!
You do know that your readers are likely to be people who like to read, right?
It's a little-known fact recently brought to light by the new neuroscience that many of these same people are also known as introverts.
Any claim that anything about being an extrovert is better in any way will result in immediate rejection of the book and blacklisting of the author.

[Emily Briano · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great blend of practical advice and scientific research about what it takes (and really means) to be happy. This book is especially helpful for people who have struggled with mild depression and maybe aren't naturally the happiest people.

"Happiness is smaller than you think"

He does take a few cracks at video games as having no redeeming social value, which I disagree with. He references fiero as one example of joy, which, ironically, Jane McGonigal wrote beautifully about in her book Reality is Broken as how solving a difficult challenge in a video game can bring a satisfying sense of accomplishment.

[Becca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Richard O'Connor's so great. I kind of sickly love self-help, but most of it is dumb and useless--this and Undoing Depression, both by O'Connor, are terrific, realistic, practical guides to not feeling crummy.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read. I like how the author links brain science to cognitive therapy. Worth reading even if you are not particularly unhappy.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read a book of fiction recently where one of the characters used this book's "think about three things that made you feel good" in the story. It's a great idea. The author of that fictional book gave this book credit, so I checked this out from the library. The "three things" is a technique to help encourage positive thinking and gratitude every day. It's a way to be mindful, which is a big part of this book. This book has a strong Buddhist influence, though the author says he is agnostic.

There's actually a lot that is true and helpful in this book, but not a lot that's new to me. It was published in 2008, so it's been around for a while. Because of that, some of it is outdated, particularly the emphasis on right-brain and left-brain ideas. A lot of it is classic to positive psychology, which has become increasingly popular over the years. I like all it says about how our thoughts influence our feelings and actions. It was good to review.

One thing the author repeatedly mentions is "compassionate curiosity." It's funny, but on a podcast years ago I remember a life coach talked about having "compassion and curiosity" for oneself as a way to help the overwhelm of personal problems. I realize now she may have actually said, "compassionate curiosity." She may have even taken the term from this author. I love the principle of approaching oneself with compassion and curiosity. It's a subtle difference to not just have curiosity, but to approach that curiosity with compassion. It's so easy to be mean to ourselves using our inner critics.

The main thing I realized while reading this book is that I have not been thinking as clearly. The author calls it "thinking badly" and says that it's his job as a therapist to help people with their thoughts. He writes about "false assumptions" and "logical errors." As I've heard them called elsewhere, I'm calling them "thought errors."

The author has a couple of lists of this kind of troubled thinking on pages 140 through 143. I have rewritten them, using some of his wording. I wrote them on a piece of paper, but I want to write them here to help me remember them. Unfortunately, I have some of these kinds of thought errors from time to time.

He expands on each type of thought, but these are sometimes directly quoted and sometimes paraphrased or interpreted by me:

*Catastrophizing- assuming the worst possible
*Everything has to be perfect
*I have to be liked by everyone- people pleasing over self respect
*Fear of abandonment
*I'm defective/damaged/inadequate- overemphasis on imperfections
*Overly focused on appearance- self consciousness, nonacceptance
*Everyone does it- rationalization, justification
*Over generalization- assuming something is true in any circumstance
*Selective attention/Disqualifying positives or negatives- focusing on only positives or negatives
*Selective responsibility for positives or negatives- taking credit or blaming
*Assuming A causes B- illogical correlation
*Excessive self reference- it's all about me
*Black and white thinking- forgetting complexity
*Emotional reasoning- ignoring logic because of strong feelings

This book helped me remember to try to be grateful and to try to think more clearly. Being mindful is part of that process.

[Emily Markulis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm giving this book 4 stars because there is a TON of comprehensive, research-backed information on happiness here, from the standpoints of pleasure, life satisfaction, and the minimizing of unnecessary misery. However, there were a few things that irritated me enough that I felt the need to make note of them.

The author seems to have a few unfortunate misconceptions for a psychiatrist. First:

1) He, like many, cautions against the over-prescription of anti-depressants and other psychiatric drugs. This I understand and agree with to some degree. However, he suggests that anti-depressants work by numbing a person's emotions. If this is the case, the SSNI that I've been on for 7 plus years must not be working correctly, as I am still the naturally intensely emotional person I've always been, feeling the full range of emotions. What's different is that my emotional states are more manageable; I don't spend hours crying uncontrollably over something small/nothing at all, and I am able to make use of other therapeutic techniques. He claims that there is no firm basis that anti-depressants correct a chemical imbalance, while I thought this was pretty well-established. And the examples he gave of people being numbed by their meds are side-effects rather than the medicine working as it should. If not, than again my med must be the one not working properly.

2) There were a couple times he links positive emotional states ("joy") with bubbliness and/or extroversion, although he later suggests that he himself is not an extravert. As a Myers-Briggs confirmed introvert, this is a big pet peeve of mine. There is one study he notes that says that "introverts as well as extraverts were happier when behaving in an extroverted manner." This misses the point that "I vs. E" is about a person's internal temperament when it comes to energy rather than about external behavior. And I don't deny that human beings, introverted and extroverted, are social creatures who are happier when we have strong relationships. However, introverts are not going to be happier "behaving like extroverts" if this means cultivating many shallow social contacts that aren't fulfilling or overextending ourselves to the point of exhaustion. And finally, joy in its various expressions is not just limited to the demonstrative, bubbly kind. I think he would have benefited from acknowledging that there are a variety of human temperaments and a variety of ways to experience positive emotion, even if it is subdued.

End rant. I do find a lot to recommend in this book, but those two issues just touched on major pet-peeves of mine.

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a quest to finally discover how to be happy once and for all, I've tried embracing this whole notion of positive psychology in hopes that it will make a difference. I recently finished The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky and decided to give this title a try after coming across it in my local library.

I found the two books to be pretty similar. They both cover similar strategies such as exercise, gratitude journals, and mindful meditation. Hell, Happy at Last even cites one of Lyubomirsky's studies on page 20. Both books also feature food on the front cover, which makes me very hungry. Maybe there's something to be said about trying to make your readers happy while dangling pictures of sweets in front of them.

Anyways, both books are chocked full of information that is often felt like I was being overloaded. The author, Richard O'Connor, presents the reader with lists of every sort: how to maintain intimacy, how to cope with stress (and what not to do), how to increase willpower, how to reduce stress, and so on. I like that there's a lot of information, but my brain can only retain so much. It's impossible to try and keep up with everything that he wants to teach us.

In The How of Happiness, Lyubomirsky gives the reader a chance to self-evaluate and choose the three most effective happiness strategies for themselves. I quite like that approach compared to O'Connor's method of listing an endless number of ideas. He does have a few exercises, which I still haven't tried, such as writing about three good things that happened before you go to bed or responding to your Inner Critic. These actionable points are by far the most useful information in the book.

One thing that makes this book stand out is that O'Connor is a mental health professional who deals with patients with depression. Second, O'Connor himself suffers from clinical depression. So, if these strategies work, he would know.

He also has some criticism of consumerism and how commercials are trying to sell us a false reality and such. It's not that I disagree, but it does sound like every other "society/phones/social media is bad for you" post I've ever read. Insightful information, nonetheless.

Overall, it was a good read, but I don't feel like I've gained much from reading it. Maybe I'll have to try out these exercises and see if I'm happier a few months from now. Like any positive psychology book suggests, happiness is a journey and not something you can reach overnight.

[Bruce Genaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not a big fan of self-help books. They tend to be light on substance and chock full of platitudes. But I am a fan of Dr. Richard O’Conner and his previous book Undoing Depression. It was refreshing, accessible, and helpful, as is his new book, Happy at Last: The Thinking Person’s Guide to Finding Joy.
Dr. O’Conner, a practicing psychotherapist who’s experienced bouts of depression, he writes from both sides of the couch. Combine his professional observations, his personal struggles, and the latest scientific research, and you have a well-balanced, thoughtful, realistic approach to happiness.
Happiness is a complex subject, but O’Conner explores the most challenging obstacles to a joyful life and offers sound advice and practical exercises to help you overcome its most common impediments.
O’Conner’s assertion that, contrary to popular belief, happiness does not come naturally, is refreshing. It requires work, consciousness, practice, patience. He provides insights into the ways that modern life (50 hour work weeks, too many choices, consumerism) contributes to our malaise and offers tools and resources to minimize its influences.
While some of the advice is predictable (mindfulness, meditation, gratitude) O’Conner’s real life examples and down-to-earth approach will make you feel as if happiness is finally within your grasp.

[Rhonda · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've never taken quite so long to read a book as this one. I realized something about myself....I have this obsessive quality that once I start reading a book, I can't stop before I'm finished, whether I'm into it or not. I'm not saying that this is a horrible book, but, for some reason, I couldn't quite get into it. Parts of it spoke to me and kept my interest but those were fleeting moments which were soon forgotten. Perhaps it was just due to bad timing. Because I wasn't very compelled at any given time to pick up this book, I generally waited until I got into bed and was already tired. Thus, I just found myself getting drowsy most of time, finding it difficult to retain what I read. A part of me wishes I could give it a second chance at some point, but the greater part of me can't bear the thought of it. Besides, for the most part, I think I manage to feel happy enough without it.

[Hill Krishnan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoy every popular “positive psychology” or SWB (subjective well being) book in the market whenever I see them. Here is a scientific measurement not found in other books. check your happiness:

HAPPINESS: score 1 up to 7. (1 being strongly disagree & 7 strongly agree)
1. In most ways my life is close to my ideal.
2. The conditions of my life are excellent
3. I’m satisfied with my life.
4. So far I’ve gotten the important things I want in life
5. If I could live my life over again I would change nothing.
Scoring 35 to 31–extremely satisfied
30 to 26 satisfied
21 to 25 Slightly satisfied
20 Neutral
15 to 19 slightly dissatisfied
14 to 10 dissatisfied
5 to 9 extremely dissatisfied

[erforscherin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tried this one at the suggestion of a romance novel, of all things (shoutout to Happiness for Beginners!), because why not… and out of a field of books about depression, this is the first one I’ve found that actually feels like helpful, actionable advice.

I appreciate that it’s heavily neuroscience-based - not in the reductive “your brain chemicals are out of whack and only this magic pill can help!” way, but in a “your thinking patterns have created a feedback loop that is causing you to spiral; let’s make some new connections to break you out of it” way. I will definitely try some of the methods suggested, and will likely be back for a reread.

[Brandyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can change my brain! Neuroplasticity: changing the brains structure. I can undo negative thinking patterns and habits and rewire new passages and grooves. I can be happy by being mindful, deliberately thinking positively, engaging in activities that bring me joy. I have to work at it to avoid the depressive states I find myself in. This book gives me hope and is a great companion to the one I'm currently reading; codependent no more. (Audio book)

[Kathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listening to this book coincided with my daughter’s encouragement to try meditation and mindfulness. This book reinforces the practice. My favorite part was the scientific research that shows our brains are constantly making new pathways while learning new things no matter how old we get! Happy about that!!

[kia Kazeminia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I strongly recommend you to read this book. I can say this book is like a bible for me. By this book, you will be able to know yourself and your environment better, and start to characterize what can make a happier life for you.

[Paul · Rating 2 out of 5]

His look at positive psychology. Couldn't get into it.

[Faye · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this more interesting as a study into the science of happiness - rather than a how to be happy guide

[David Weiser · Rating 4 out of 5]

It provides some helpful insight into the psychology behind happiness and how we can still be happy despite the modern world constantly trying to make us miserable.

[Princess Pottymouth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finally a constructive book about training oneself to be more happy. Practical and some humor too. In a word: relatable.

[Kasey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is super helpful. Needed it—love it. Am going to buy a copy to read again!

[Sheldon · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took 6.5 months, but I finally made it to the end.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I downloaded this book, but didn't read it right away. When I finally began reading, I didn't really remember what inspired me to download it, other than it seemed like a positive book. It is that. I suspect it might be helpful for someone who is going through a state of depression or lacking confidence. The author suggests some practical exercises that sound helpful. Otherwise, I generally agree with much of what the author said about happiness, in general. I stopped reading only because he uses multiple arguments to make his point about happiness and I didn't really feel that I needed all of that convincing. It began to feel repetitive. If, at some point in the future, I feel myself in need of some "happiness inspiration", I may come back to the book and try out some of the exercises.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

While most of what he said was not revolutionary, I have heard most of the points before, it still reminded me of the things that I should be doing to continue improve myself and build lasting happiness. One thing I did find new and interesting was the idea of dukkha--the nagging, underlying feeling of unhappiness--and that sometimes we need to just sit with it and and explore it.

I felt towards the end that I needed a bit more understanding of Eastern philosophy to fully grasp some of the concepts the author was talking about. But, this is a feeling I have had for awhile as I have begun diving into meditation.

[HM · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book didn’t need to be written. Plus, it’s meandering and obvious, no offense, big guy. Anyway, if you really want help on being happy, check out Daniel Amen’s book, You, Happier. TOTALLY worth reading!!

[Tatiana · Rating 1 out of 5]

I somehow finished this and am not happier for it. I found this shallow, judgemental, and self-serving while pretending to be wise and therapeutic. There are no groundbreaking concepts here, and this did not age well from the early 2000's.

[Wendy Forsht Silfies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good concrete ideas for remembering what brings me joy and reminding myself of those things on a regular basis.

[Michele · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really liked the first half of the book but struggled with the second half. It was just too wordy. Not a bad resource though to review the information we've heard many times.

[Cassy]

Who recommended this book to me: Katherine Center, also remembering the surprising effectiveness of my gratitude journal in college

[Emily Mellow · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's good! Sensible, sensical advice based on science