Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good

by Miriam Adderholdt-Elliott, Jan Goldberg

Perfectionism is a problem for many teenagers today. Here’s help for Superkids, workaholics, type A’s, straight A’s, procrastinators, overachievers—and caring adults. This thought-provoking, encouraging book explains the differences between healthy ambition and unhealthy perfectionism and gives strategies for getting out of the perfectionism trap—from recognizing the symptoms to rewarding yourself for who you are, not what you do. It explains why some people become perfectionists, what perfectionism does to the mind and body, why girls are especially prone to perfectionism, and more. It also gives adults insight into how their behavior and expectations can contribute to perfectionism in teens they parent and teach. The revised and updated edition of a Free Spirit classic includes new research and statistics on the causes and consequences of perfectionism, biographical sketches of famous perfectionists and risk takers, and resources for readers who want to know more.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Education

136 pages, Paperback

First published January 15, 1991

Reviews

[KamRun]

خواندن کتاب را با این امید شروع کردم که درمانی بر این درد بی‌درمان کمال‌گرایی وسواس‌گونه‌ام باشد، اما جز بیان نشانه‌هایی عمومی (نظیر به تعویق انداختن کارها، ترس از شکست، فرار از تجربه‌های جدید و ...) و تکرار مکررات چیز دیگری در کتاب پیدا نکردم. ضمن اینکه بنظر می‌رسد که کتاب برای رده سنی نوجوانان نوشته شده باشد که متاسفانه نه در پشت و روی جلد و نه در شناسه‌ی کتاب اشاره‌ای به این موضوع نشده

[Hoda]

کمال‌گراها حتی جرئت نگاه کردن به موفقیت‌های خودشان را هم ندارند. انگار که هر دستاوردشان آنقدر کوچک است که ارزش ثبت‌شدن هم ندارد. برای آنها، گذشته فقط فهرست اشتباهات و خطاهاست ، نه نشانه ای از رشد و تجربه.

و زمان برایشان آن‌قدر ارزشمند و در عین حال ترسناک است که حتی مجال نمی‌دهند لحظه‌ای مکث کنند و ببینند چقدر راه آمده‌اند.چون ذهنشان همیشه در یک نقطه گیر کرده: آینده.
آینده‌ای که باید برایش برنامه‌ریزی کرد، باید برایش جنگید، بی‌وقفه

[Mya]

A very helpful book that any self proclaim perfectionist should read. However, it had minors stereotypes that I didn't care for.

[Heather]

This book is better for adult or adolescent use. I found little help for a 5 year old. IT does not help in parenting the perfectionist very well.

[Heather]

Wow since I'm so so perfect - JK such an eye opening book to the rat race/problems associated with perfectionism.
My favorite take away is to slow down/ love your accomplishments and
Failure+Flexibility = Fantastic way to live

Often you don't know how you work/accomplish only to achieve the next hurdle. Great book at slowing down, being mindful and enjoy the ups/downs and not impose your thinking on others etc.

Quick easy read and lots of takeaways.

[Ali Varasteh]

به شخصه ادمی هستم که با مسئله کمال گرایی سالها مشکل داشتم اما این کتاب چون توسط یک کمالگرا برای کمال گراها نوشته شده ، خیلی خوب تونسته تمام مسائل پیرامون رو در بر بگیره و مطرحشون کنه ، شاید برای شما هم پیش اومده باشه که حقیقت رو قربانی مصلحت کرده باشین اما اگر بخوایم صادقانه برخورد کنیم و واقعیت رو ببینیم (هرچند دردناک) این کتاب میتونه راهنمای خوبی باشه.

[Eric]

I read this book with my daughter who was struggling with time and organization and was recommended to her to help her with skills to master her time. An easy and entertaining way to help teens realize the importance of life.

[Behrooz Parhami]

The point that perfectionism is counterproductive has been made by many authors. What sets this volume for young readers apart is the inclusion of quite a few examples, practical tips, and discussion of potential harms in different contexts.

The introductory chapter "How Much of a Perfectionist Are You?" begins with this quote from Salvador Dali (p. 1): "Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it." The chapter includes a 10-question quiz that allows you to assess the extent of your perfectionism. It also makes the point that perfectionism is different from the pursuit of excellence. For example, a pursuer of excellence will accept an award with pride, even though the engraver misspelled his/her name. A perfectionist, on the other hand, may accept the award resentfully under the same conditions.

The ten chapter titles provide a good indication of the book's scope and focus.

- Why People Become Perfectionists

- What Perfectionism Does to Your Mind

- What Perfectionism Does to Your Body

- What Perfectionism Does to Your Relationships

- How to Ease Up on Yourself

- Perfectionism in Young Women and Men

- Ways to Gain Control Over Your Life

- Learning to Reward Yourself and Savor Success

- How to Get Others to Ease Up on You

- When and How to Get Help Coping

An important negative aspect of perfectionism is that it may become one's excuse for not doing anything, given the fear of imperfect results. On fear of failure, the authors quote Marilyn vos Savant (p. 85): "Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." The great actor Sir Laurence Olivier suggested that instead of desiring perfection, we should strive for excellence, that is, doing our best.

[Parvaneh Hosseinzadeh]

از کتاب‌های روان‌شناسی و خودیاری فراری‌ام ولی هر از گاهی دست دوستی به این کتاب‌‌ها می‌دهم، چون فکر می‌کنم از هر کتابی می‌توان نکته‌ای تازه کشف کرد. در چند سال گذشته به دلیل کمال‌گرایی فرصت‌های زیادی را از دست داده‌ام و احساسات متناقضی را به همین خاطر تجربه کرده‌ام اما این دلایل به جای دوستی با کتاب‌های خودیاری در زمینه کمال‌گرایی، ترسم را بیشتر می‌کرد. می‌ترسیدم واقعیت از وضعیتی که در آن گیر کرده بودم، وحشتناک‌تر باشد. کتاب صوتی «وسوسه‌های کمال‌گرایی»، مانند خیلی از کتاب‌های دیگر در زمان درست انتخابم کرد.

میریام آدرهولد، با زبانی ساده از خطرات کمال‌گرایی و دلایل به وجود آمدنش می‌گوید. او از مخاطبانش می‌خواهد تا با انجام یک آزمون ساده، میزان کمال‌گرایی‌شان را بسنجند. وقتی بفهمی چقدر کمال‌گرا هستی و چه عوامی باعث تشدید این کمال‌گرایی شده، می‌توانی این وضعیت را کنترل کنی. تا پیش از شنیدن این کتاب، فکر می‌کردم فقط چند سال است که به کمال‌گرایی دچار شده‌ام ولی با شنیدن حرف‌های میریام آدرهولد، به گذشته‌های دور سفر کردم و متوجه عوارض مختلف کمال‌طلبی در زندگی‌ام شدم. کمال‌گرایی هم مثل خیلی از جنبه‌های دیگر زندگی در طول سال‌ها با تغییراتی همراه می‌شود ولی ما می‌توانیم کنترلش کنیم.

کتاب «وسوسه‌های کمال‌گرایی» برای والدین کمال‌گرا بیشتر از هر فرد دیگری مفید است چون به آن‌ها کمک می‌کند کمال‌گرایی‌شان را به فرزندان خود منتقل نکنند و آن‌ها را در این دام نیندازند. به‌طور کلی، این کتاب ساده و مفید است به‌خصوص برای کسانی که زندگی‌شان با کمال‌گرایی دچار مشکل شده.

[Alireza]

I read this because i was suspected to be a perfectionist.
I like this book because it told me good points and some good solutions.
Also it has a very good Content order and its chapters has ordered in very clear and very good way.
In early chapters you will study about the effects of perfectionism on your body, mind and your relations.
Then you will study about how you should treat with yourself and take the life easy for yours.
And finally it tells you some points about good life.
I never read any psychology and perfectionism book before, but i found this book good to become familiar with perfectionism. I can't name it "the best book in this field" but i like it as a good book.

[Hajar]

چرا کتابایی که در مورد کمالگرایی‌ن کمکی نمی‌کنن؟
لایک... خودم می‌دونم کمالگرام و مشکلم از کجاست و می‌دونم کمالگرایی اعتیادآوره، ولی هیچ کمکی نمی‌کنی.

[Mohammad Javad Jafari]

Not bad.in some cases which had practical steps was usefull.

[Bob Grommes]

This book is directed at young people but is a good read for concerned adults in the lives of perfectionist / driven children. It makes a useful distinction between the (achievable) pursuit of excellence and the (quixotic) pursuit of perfection. It also covers some of the paradoxical aspects of perfectionism such as a tendency to procrastinate. If you or someone you care about suffers from perfectionist tendencies, this is a good concise orientation to the issue.

[Jenn]

Informative, but written for teens to overcome perfectionism. This book was lent to me by my 9 year-old's gifted teacher. There were some points that I found useful, but for the most part, I found it didn't totally apply to her at this time.

[Wendy]

Love this book. I am a perfectionist and could identify with this book. A must read for students who will become "me". I'm not as bad as I thought I was (as a perfectionist) but I do have some work to do.

[Natalie Sweder]

This is a great read for high achieving middle and high school teens as well as their parents and educators. Some of the tips are great and could be useful for teens as well as adults. Also love the lists of resources throughout the book.

[RF]

This book was recommended in a really neat article in this month's "Psychology Today"...

[K Kenny]

Some very helpful checklists for teachers/parents/kids.