Motherless Mothers: How Losing a Mother Shapes the Parent You Become

by Hope Edelman

"Edelman illuminates the transformative power of understanding mother loss [and] offers essential wisdom." —  Library Journal When Hope Edelman,  author of the  New York Times  bestseller  Motherless Daughters,  became a parent, she found herself revisiting the loss of her mother in ways she had never anticipated. Now the mother of two young girls, Edelman set out to learn how the loss of a mother to death or abandonment can affect the ways women raise their own children. In  Motherless Mothers , Edelman uses her own story as a prism to reveal the unique anxieties and desires that these women experience as they raise their children without the help of a living maternal guide. In an impeccably researched, luminously written book enriched by the voices of the mothers themselves—and filled with practical insight and advice from experienced professionals—she examines their parenting choices, their triumphs, and their fears, and offers motherless mothers the guidance and support they want and need.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Grief, Personal Development, Audiobook

410 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2006

About the author

Hope Edelman is the internationally acclaimed author of eight nonfiction books, including the bestsellers Motherless Daughters and Motherless Mothers, as well as the upcoming book, The Aftergrief. She has lectured extensively on the subjects of early loss and also on nonfiction writing in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and New Zealand. Her articles and reviews have appeared in numerous publications, including the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Washington Post, The Huffington Post, Glamour, Child, Seventeen, Real Simple, Parents, Writer’s Digest, and Self, and her original essays have appeared in many anthologies. Her work has received a New York Times notable book of the year designation and a Pushcart Prize for creative nonfiction. She lives in Los Angeles and Iowa City, where she can be found every July teaching at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival.

Reviews

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gets 5 stars, partly because it is the only one of its kind that I know of, and partly because it was the right book for me right now. I could criticize a few things about it--her sample size of women is fairly small, for example--but the pros vastly outweigh the cons for me.

I actually debated about waiting to read it until I had experienced at least a few *months* of motherhood, just to make sure I didn't let the opinions of the "experts" color my experiences ahead of time. But I'm glad I didn't wait. This book helped me feel more prepared and more confident, which I can't say is true for any other pregnancy/parenting books I've read.

It was strangely comforting to read that some of my anxieties or thought patterns are common in the majority of motherless women. ("Hey! In this very small, specific sub-category, I'm considered normal!) I laughed out loud when Edelman describes going to a Mommy and Me group and trying to make conversation about how to create a living will and who would be the guardian if their kids were orphaned.

But unlike a lot of secular psychology/self-help books, this one doesn't just affirm and validate. Edelman knows from experience that being a motherless mother means being more prone to some ugly, selfish behaviors. (Edelman shares the one time she used the "well, at least you have a mother" line on her six-year old. Cringe.) She gives helpful reminders not to project your feelings onto your child or live vicariously through them, while still maintaining that having a child can be an incredibly healing event. It was also good to be reminded to check in with your husband and friends periodically and give them permission to point out some of your unhealthy mothering habits (overprotectiveness, detachment, etc).

I'll definitely revisit this one through the years, as the part about parenting teenagers is WAY too far in the future for me to even think about right now.

[Esther]

I didn't finish this book. While I appreciate what she says and her perspective, reading this while pregnant was not helping my mental and emotional state. Ill probably pick it back up once my hormones has leveled out postpartum.
Also, it does miss the spiritual element I as a Christian look for while reading.

[Moon Shine Art Spot ~ Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this audio book on a long road trip. My own mother abandoned me & my siblings when I was 6 years old & my father passed away when I was 16, & my step mom left right afterwards. I found alot of the author's feelings, FEARS & ways of doing things were the same as mine. Things such as buying clothes for my son 2, 3, 4 years in advance, always trying to plan "what will my son do if something happens to me", my severe over protectiveness of him, my inability to go out for one night without feeling that I have abandoned him, and a dozen things like that....they are the things I have been doing since my 6 year old was born. Thinking things like "I will not hurt him nor let anyone else". I will protect him like my mom should have me.

So many things in the book rang true, but then some chapters just seemed to ramble on & on and would be boring to me. I found it inconsistent maybe for lack of a better word, or maybe she gave too many attention to details that had nothing to do with the point. I found it informative & it did help me to understand so many of my own feelings & fears & some of the mistakes I had already realized I am making such as being too protective. My son will not take risks & I know it is because I have always have, & still do try to shield him from any pain. I had already realized what I was doing as far as the over protectiveness goes, but I was amazed at some of the things I never related to being abandoned at a young age & losing the other parent to death.

All in all, I think the book was well worth listening to. It was comforting to know others who lost their mother at a young age act these same weird ways I do & have these same weird fears that I have about my parenting. I knew many of my parenting fears & doubts came from the fact that I had nobody to model my parenting after & I have read & read parenting books because of not having any good mother example to "go by". Finding out that this is common among mothers who lost their own mother at a young age was comforting & so many of the other little things that give tips & advice actually did make me feel better.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like a 3.5. The problem that I had with Hope's first book is the same problem I have with this one. I do get that the author lost her mom at a young age. And that's awful, don't get me wrong. BUT I lost my mom at 30 years old, so a lot of advice and thoughts in here were lost on me because she mainly wrote for women who lost mothers in their childhood or teenage years. For that population, this book is 5 stars. But for the rest of us? There are some nuggets of help and guidance, but really this book should be titled How Losing a Mother as a child or teenager shapes the parent you become.

[Liddy Barlow · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are two reasons why I think I might not be the perfect person to assess this book. First, my mom died when I was nearly 22, so she saw me pretty much all the way to adulthood; although I won't have her to call on later, I do have lots of first-hand memories of what mothers do when their children are at various ages, unlike women who lost their moms when they were four or ten. Second, of course, I'm not a parent yet (and don't intend to become one for a while), and so it's possible that some of the advice might seem more helpful when being a mother is actually a present reality. In any case, I found parts of this book very interesting and a little devastating (it never occurred to me that my mom will still need a name for her grandchildren to call her ... and what should that name be?). Other parts seemed self-indulgent, as if Edelman was trying to excuse her own parenting quirks by the fact that, decades ago, her mom died. I'm not sure that her experiences are necessarily reflective of all "motherless mothers."

[MJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible book. Gives some great insight into the mixed emotions that come of losing one's mother and becoming a mother. This isn't a topic people really want to hear you bring up and it's rare to find someone with whom to talk it over, so having this book was incredibly comforting at some very low points. I wish I could thank Hope Edelman in person for thinking of it and writing it.

[Raelynn]

I picked a couple of chapters to read but didn't read full book. Probably better for someone expecting (my DS is almost 5) or someone who more recently lost their mother (I lost mine over 30 years ago).

[Iris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting and helpful. I read this while pregnant and expect to be coming back to certain chapters as my son grows up.

[Shoshanah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman is quite a book. I’m not positive how I heard about it, but suspect it’s from a friend adding another of the author’s books on here.

Starting with the introduction, I was in tears reading this book. It brought up so many memories and feelings, things that others who lost their mother before becoming a mother themselves felt.

This is very niche book, hopefully with a somewhat small audience. If you aren’t a motherless mother it would be hard to recommend, but if you are, do think it could be a bit of therapeutic reading. (I do think of you were raised by a motherless mother, you’d appreciate parts as well.)

For me specifically the chapters that hit the most were Pregnancy (it’s so hard going through such a life changing moment without having a mother to share stories with, ask for advice, or provide help after the baby is born), The Absent Grandmother (what your kids are missing by not having a maternal grandmother in their lives), and The Grandma in Heaven (about explaining death to children).

Although so much of this spoke to me, there were parts that weren’t as applicable. I was 27 when my mom died. I wasn’t a child, but I was still so, so young to loose her. However, so much of this book focuses on those that lost their mother in childhood. Specifically how it can be difficult to parent once your children reach the age one lost one’s mother. Since you may not know how to mother those ages since you don’t have an example to draw on. Also how hard it can be to parent once you become older than the age your parent died. Thankfully neither will apply to me for a couple decades.

Even with that critic, I’m so glad I found this book. This November it will somehow be 10 years since I lost my mom. It’s not something I often talk about, mainly because it’s hard to understand if you haven’t experienced it. So much of this book felt like having a conversation with a friend and I loved it for that.

4.5/5

[Zana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like Edelman's Motherless Daughters, this was an emotionally wrenching and exhausting read for me. It was, frankly, like taking a scalpel to my deepest wounds, opening them up again, and cleaning out the infection. Which may be a good metaphor for the experience of parenting as a motherless daughter, if the author and her research can be trusted. Ultimately, this book was worth it, it was healing to read, and it was tremendously reassuring.

Most of my deepest fears about parenthood have to do with some variation of 1) I'll inflict the same trauma on my kids as was inflicted on me because that's how intergenerational transmission of trauma rolls, and 2) I won't know how to be a mother because I didn't grow up with one. This is the first (and only) book so far that has been able to speak to those fears in a way that gives me hope. And a lot of candid advice about pitfalls and the ways in which my emotions will work both for me and against me in this parenting journey.

Highly recommended if you're a motherless mother or about to become one.

[Kaitlyn Federwitz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I lost my mother shortly after I turned 27 and my oldest child turned 2. I come at this book from a slightly more unique position than the women who are chronicled in it because I had 2 years of parenting while my mother was alive and u was able to have her advice and insights. I also was well into my 20s when she passed versus many in this book who were so very much younger.

For those reasons, while I found this book insightful and educational, I didn't relate to much of it as strongly as I was anticipating. The chapters that hit home most for me were those that were called The Absent Grandmother and The Grandmother in Heaven. This book has definitely helped me work through some things in the grief process that I have been somewhat avoiding these past years, and I will certainly be recommending it to my sister if she chooses to have children.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very good book when you're thinking about the impact of mother loss on your own mothering. It's perfect if you lost your own mother young, including during childhood. That's not to say that we all can't benefit from mothering at all ages--we certainly can. I know I still need my mother, and wish she were here, but not in the same way as when I was 20 or 15 or 10 or 5. And I benefitted from her help and expertise in my first 4.5 years as a mother.

[Nancy Price · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Marcie Stockman · Rating 4 out of 5]

She did a good job of highlighting many of the anxieties motherless moms have. But her chapter on middle age scares me for what’s to come.

[Amy Elizabeth Bucklin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend motherless mothers! It was so enlightening and helpful to understand the experience across a lifetime. It made me feel normal and understand my experiences are normal.

[Ashley Setterlind · Rating 3 out of 5]

If the topic touches you personally, you’ll probably find this to be a thought-provoking and helpful read! Otherwise, it’s kind of boring.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this and the Motherless Daughters book by Hope Edelman. Reading both books helped me realize that I wasn't alone in the feelings and fears I had and that no, I wasn't going crazy or being overdramatic. I lost my mother at the age of three years old. Even with a wonderful stepmother that married my father a year later, I felt completely alone growing up and as I married and had children of my own. Each milestone of my life, I wondered what my mother would have done, then the fear of death as I was reaching the age 0f 25 when she died. She missed all the "firsts" in my life. Having my own children, I certainly related to the fears of becoming a mother and how I should or shouldn't parent. This is a very interesting and enlightening read for mothers who have lost their mother in one way or another.

[Andrea · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book, so much. As a 'motherless' woman due to become a mother to a daughter in just a few weeks, I was eager for insight, encouragement, and science-based information. The amount of personal information Edelman shares is simply too much and I was unable to relate to her experience. Once Ina May Gaskin quotes began appearing in the Labor and Delivery chapter, I knew this would be a no-go. I understand that there has been limited research done with 'motherless mothers.' That indicates to me we need more research, not outdated studies, an internet survey and this woman's experience. I would have been less frustrated with this book had it been framed as just Edeleman's journey with information she found helpful, a personal tale as opposed to a text designed to provide comfort and connection to women which in my case, it failed to do.

[Laura Schwarz · Rating 4 out of 5]

hard to read as it can expose emotions and fears that you could have been coping and living with for most of your life. I wouldn't recommend it before having a child as there is no way you can possibly relate until you have actually become a motherless mother. I lost my mom at age 2. I started reading this when my kids were 7 and oldest 9. maybe too late, wish I wold have read a little earlier, but I couldn't handle all of the explanations I had for what I thought were useless fears of parenting. this book assured me and gave me a new way to look at my life as a parent, now with a better understanding of how my experiences can be used in a more productive way.

[Kelley · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn't very helpful for me. It's geared more toward women who lost their mother's before they were adults, in particularly those who lost them before adolescence.
Some of the statistics were interesting. Though the book seems to focus more on the negative aspects than looking or moving forward (ex. how to overcome not having a mother). The book was rather depressing. I felt worse about my mother dying after reading it than I did before. That hasn't been the case with some of the other parenting books concerning parent loss.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was given this book by my Aunt and began it somewhat reluctantly. I was pleasantly surprised. not only does the book read easily (not like a thesis) but the insights were remarkable good. Although I lost my mother after my first child was born...I still had another child and have continued to raise them as a "Motherless Mother". It really is an applicable label and really does affect my paretning! Amazingly good read.

[Keely · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only made it half-way through this book when we had to pack up and move (and of course, I left it boxed up in storage), but I really enjoyed what I read. I was 18 when my mother died and very angry-- someone gave me a copy of Edelman's first book and I immediately tossed it. It's taken years and years for me to get comfortable reading about others' mother-loss. This was a good one for me to start with-- relating to the stories as a mother and daughter.

[Sara Fech · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was perfect for me. I lost my mom at the age of 7, and for so long I felt unique in my behavior and my ways of thinking. Thank goodness I stumbled across this book because it gave me a peace of mind knowing I was completely normal in my grieving 20+ years later and my mentality towards raising my children.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this years ago, but remember it as being so vital for me in understanding my feelings with raising children who never had the privilege of knowing my mother, how hard it is to mother when you don't have a mother yourself to lean on and ask questions of, and how the trauma of early loss shapes the way in which we parent our children.

[Bridget · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great book to read for anyone who has lost their mom, especially if you were young when she died. It's interesting to see how I can relate to many of the feelings discussed in the book. I had never thought much about how my parenting is affecting by the loss of my mother.

[Tracey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as good as motherless daughters. The first few chapters I could relate to but as the book went on it seemed repetitive. I also couldn't relate very well to the impact being a motherless mother has had on the author.

[Erica Douglas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a helpful read for me and I would recommend it to other women who lost their mom before they became mothers themselves. Helped me identify certain fears or feelings I have that are similar to other motherless mothers.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be incredibly insightful. I was 26 when my mother died and my daughter was 16 months old. I read the book when she was four and realized how much I wasn't alone.

[Isabel]

I'm still in the process of reading it.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are pregnant or have had a baby without your mother on this planet, this book will save you from depression w/o any drugs. It is amazing.