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Families and How to Survive Them
Written in an unconventional dialogue form, this book explores the inner workings of the modern family, and the interactions between couples and their children.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1983
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December 27, 2019I enjoyed this hugely for the first hundred pages, by page one hundred and fifty I noticed I was going slow and it had become a bit of a bore, after that it was more of a struggle and I felt I was reading on only in the hope of the next cartoon. Because yes, this text is broken up by little cartoons. In fact it was the fault of the cartoons that I ended up reading the book at all, because I remembered in conversation a cartoon in which three men are having a very superficial conversation in a pub, the kind of punchline was the conversation they didn't have, in which one man confesses he is afraid of the dark and sleeps with the light on. Anyhow I wrongly attributed that cartoon to this book and so set about reading it. Mistaken identity or a Freudian slip, I'll leave it to you to decide.
The structure is roughly chronological in that it discusses human life from starting a relationship to first baby and the child's developmental stages up to the child being sexually mature and ready for marriage. Cleese 'asks' how couples come together and Skynner relates a piece of American research in which when a room full of people were asked with out talking, or using sign language of any kind, to form into couples and then those couples were interviewed that there was always some psychological similarity in their family background. My initial reaction was 'wow, how curious', but after a couple of days this had become 'Meh' in my mind, much US research of that kind carried out on US college students, who one can expect to be wealthier and WASPier than average, and if of the same generation, when many of the parents might well have been relying on the same parenting guide, wouldn't be more remarkable if such a couple had nothing in common in their family background?
The book has a nice title but **spoiler alert** there are no strategies here on how to best avoid unwanted family events or embarrassing in-laws, or to be the last one left alive after a terrible squabble over the Christmas dinner.
The format of the book is a dialogue between John Cleese and his one time therapist Robin Skynner. John Cleese, as you may remember, was once funny and so he spent three and a half years in therapy in order to learn not to be, true to the archetype of the crying clown, we learn that he was mostly depressed beforehand. The dialogue aims to lay out what Cleese learnt and what Skynner, I guess, hoped to convey to his patients about the dynamics of the human mind and family life in the course of therapy. One could take the view that in terms of time, money and convenience a three hundred page book is a considerable improvement on three and a half years in group therapy. On the other hand if you feel the process is the point...
Some reviews pick up on the old fashioned family roles and strict parenting style advocated by Skynner, who of course argues this just reflects his years of clinical experience, but then again, this is a book from the early 80s, so his experience was from working with couples and families in the 60s and 70s, so the adults will have reached maturity in the 40s and 50s, and only a few in the 60s, so unsurprisingly the feedback from Skynner's practise will seem to the younger reader rather conservative.
Then the two men begin to reminisce about how smacking improved their relationships with their children and brought them closer together (I assume they mean non-literally, not just because their hand was coming into sharp contact with the child's backside which is pretty close contact), so it comes as a mild surprise that they are not enthusiastic about sado-masochism. One notices that while they are opening and accepting when it suits them they are strict and prescriptive on other issues like spare the rod and spoil the child.
There's a note of my father's inside the cover asking what is the truth, for me the point of all this is 'the truth' isn't what matters, it is the stories we tell ourselves and choose to regard as the truth which count, and perhaps that is why I enjoyed the first hundred pages because of the sense that one can read one's own life or the lives of others as a folktale or fairy story, indeed isn't it astonishing how many Cinderella's there are about and...magic bean sellers. Skynner opens with a classic folk tale motive - his great uncle relating how Skynner's mother said that her son would either be a genius or end up in the madhouse. Skynner admits he fulfilled the prophecy by entering the madhouse, but through the staff door, this is the kind of thing I so much enjoyed in reading Herodotus...
Overall, the book reminded me of my old day dream, in which one travels as a pilgrim to the temple of the God, sleeps in the temple overnight hoping for a significant dream - hopefully on that doesn't involve triangles, then on the way out of the temple in the morning you read the words know thyself over the doorway. In my imagination then there is the sparkle of sunlight on the sea, of course Delphi isn't by the sea, but a day dream is still just a dream.
The structure is roughly chronological in that it discusses human life from starting a relationship to first baby and the child's developmental stages up to the child being sexually mature and ready for marriage. Cleese 'asks' how couples come together and Skynner relates a piece of American research in which when a room full of people were asked with out talking, or using sign language of any kind, to form into couples and then those couples were interviewed that there was always some psychological similarity in their family background. My initial reaction was 'wow, how curious', but after a couple of days this had become 'Meh' in my mind, much US research of that kind carried out on US college students, who one can expect to be wealthier and WASPier than average, and if of the same generation, when many of the parents might well have been relying on the same parenting guide, wouldn't be more remarkable if such a couple had nothing in common in their family background?
The book has a nice title but **spoiler alert** there are no strategies here on how to best avoid unwanted family events or embarrassing in-laws, or to be the last one left alive after a terrible squabble over the Christmas dinner.
The format of the book is a dialogue between John Cleese and his one time therapist Robin Skynner. John Cleese, as you may remember, was once funny and so he spent three and a half years in therapy in order to learn not to be, true to the archetype of the crying clown, we learn that he was mostly depressed beforehand. The dialogue aims to lay out what Cleese learnt and what Skynner, I guess, hoped to convey to his patients about the dynamics of the human mind and family life in the course of therapy. One could take the view that in terms of time, money and convenience a three hundred page book is a considerable improvement on three and a half years in group therapy. On the other hand if you feel the process is the point...
Some reviews pick up on the old fashioned family roles and strict parenting style advocated by Skynner, who of course argues this just reflects his years of clinical experience, but then again, this is a book from the early 80s, so his experience was from working with couples and families in the 60s and 70s, so the adults will have reached maturity in the 40s and 50s, and only a few in the 60s, so unsurprisingly the feedback from Skynner's practise will seem to the younger reader rather conservative.
Then the two men begin to reminisce about how smacking improved their relationships with their children and brought them closer together (I assume they mean non-literally, not just because their hand was coming into sharp contact with the child's backside which is pretty close contact), so it comes as a mild surprise that they are not enthusiastic about sado-masochism. One notices that while they are opening and accepting when it suits them they are strict and prescriptive on other issues like spare the rod and spoil the child.
There's a note of my father's inside the cover asking what is the truth, for me the point of all this is 'the truth' isn't what matters, it is the stories we tell ourselves and choose to regard as the truth which count, and perhaps that is why I enjoyed the first hundred pages because of the sense that one can read one's own life or the lives of others as a folktale or fairy story, indeed isn't it astonishing how many Cinderella's there are about and...magic bean sellers. Skynner opens with a classic folk tale motive - his great uncle relating how Skynner's mother said that her son would either be a genius or end up in the madhouse. Skynner admits he fulfilled the prophecy by entering the madhouse, but through the staff door, this is the kind of thing I so much enjoyed in reading Herodotus...
Overall, the book reminded me of my old day dream, in which one travels as a pilgrim to the temple of the God, sleeps in the temple overnight hoping for a significant dream - hopefully on that doesn't involve triangles, then on the way out of the temple in the morning you read the words know thyself over the doorway. In my imagination then there is the sparkle of sunlight on the sea, of course Delphi isn't by the sea, but a day dream is still just a dream.
October 31, 2013
Oof. I think this may be a brilliant example of remembering what's valuable and forgetting the rest. I remember reading this book years ago and finding the discussions of how and why we replicate family relationships and how we are drawn to people hiding the same problems as ourselves fascinating. And so they are still. But I'd completely forgotten the outdated ideas about the causes of depression, autism or schizophrenia; the positivity around fairly strict 'innate' gender roles and the snark about feminists; the distinctly old-fashioned ideas around homosexuality and transexuality; the approval of strict parenting attitudes, and much more. There are some great ideas in here still, and the dialogue format is very engaging and easy to read, but reading it from thirty-ish years later, be prepared to discard a lot as you go.
July 18, 2016
This is one fantastic book! Everyone needs a little bit of psychotherapy and I feel like this book can offer you a lot of information about why we are the way we are. So, if you want to understand yourself, your parents, your partner, your friends... If you want to deal with some things from the past, if you are in a love relationship... If you're becoming to be a parent or already are one... Don't waste a second and read this book!!
October 27, 2019
Knjiga kojoj se uvek možete vratiti. Otvara oči i na duhovit i jednostavan način objašnjava kompleksnu čovekovu psihu. Pročitajte je pre nego što upropastite svoje dete. 😊
March 17, 2014
Most books should be read once, so it doesn't matter whether you buy it or borrow it. In this case, it does matter. Everyone should have a copy, and everyone should read it at least once every 5 years.
If you see the name John Cleese, you might be expecting belly laughs. You might enjoy the occasional smile, and you won't get bored, but you won't be rolling around on the floor laughing. I don't say that to put you off - just manage your expectations.
This book will open your eyes to the way in which families work, but as I've already indicated, it shouldn't be read just the once. The first time I read it was shortly after my first child was born. It gave me some insights that I hadn't expected as well as shedding some light on my own childhood. But a few years later, I was aware of some behaviour from my children (I had two by this time) that kind of rang a bell with me, but I couldn't remember why it was happening. Hence the second read, and that became a recurring pattern.
A fantastic book that has the potential to change your life - if only because you might see your life differently. Strongly recommend it
If you see the name John Cleese, you might be expecting belly laughs. You might enjoy the occasional smile, and you won't get bored, but you won't be rolling around on the floor laughing. I don't say that to put you off - just manage your expectations.
This book will open your eyes to the way in which families work, but as I've already indicated, it shouldn't be read just the once. The first time I read it was shortly after my first child was born. It gave me some insights that I hadn't expected as well as shedding some light on my own childhood. But a few years later, I was aware of some behaviour from my children (I had two by this time) that kind of rang a bell with me, but I couldn't remember why it was happening. Hence the second read, and that became a recurring pattern.
A fantastic book that has the potential to change your life - if only because you might see your life differently. Strongly recommend it
September 23, 2010
Excellent. Written as conversations between John Cleese (of Fawlty Towers fame) and his family therapist, Robin Skynner. This book looks at psychiatry for the layman, in terms of why some people are happy while others aren't; why some people have repressed emotions, and what happens to them; what can cause people to become 'stuck' in their development from babyhood.
I don't agree with every word - the recommendations about strict discipline for children seem over-harsh to me, for instance - but much of what's said is revelatory and fascinating. I first read this about twelve years ago, and found it extremely helpful in understanding my sons better. Even now, as an empty-nester, I can see a lot of value in this for self-help, and figuring out how people tick and why some are easier to get along with than others - quite apart from their different personality preferences.
The humour is decidedly 'British', and a non-British friend once told me that she simply didn't get the cartoons, which she even found mildly offensive in places. Take it with a pinch of salt - but if you ever wanted to know why some families get along and others don't, in broad terms, I'd recommend this book highly.
I don't agree with every word - the recommendations about strict discipline for children seem over-harsh to me, for instance - but much of what's said is revelatory and fascinating. I first read this about twelve years ago, and found it extremely helpful in understanding my sons better. Even now, as an empty-nester, I can see a lot of value in this for self-help, and figuring out how people tick and why some are easier to get along with than others - quite apart from their different personality preferences.
The humour is decidedly 'British', and a non-British friend once told me that she simply didn't get the cartoons, which she even found mildly offensive in places. Take it with a pinch of salt - but if you ever wanted to know why some families get along and others don't, in broad terms, I'd recommend this book highly.
October 6, 2014
Totally out of date
June 9, 2019
Um livro bastante interessante sobre a dinâmica das famílias que se baseia numa conversa entre Robin Skynner (psiquiatra) e Jonh Cleese (um dos fundadores dos Monty Pynton). Não é um livro fácil de ler pela quantidade de informação transmitida, muitas vezes me revi nas situações faladas e isso às vezes pode doer. No entanto aprendi muito e só me fez bem.
October 2, 2012
It is particularly interesting how psychoterapy tends to make itself religion-like by owing virtually all inconveniencies of human personality to such early a childhood that no method of proving particular behavior of patient or patient's parents in that period exists. Still, no verifiable explanations of various pathologic and/or semi-pathologic states. This book contains a bunch of unconventional ideas, though without solid proof of them, therefore my rating is only 3*.
December 4, 2019
Outstanding book
I've been reading a lot of books on psychology to help me better understand myself and the people around me.
This book, along with Lise Bourbeau's "Five injuries" are the best thing I've read on the topic of why we do what we do, we fear what we fear, we love what we love and we act in ways we normally don't understand.
Brilliant, practical, specific - definitely read it, you will be glad you did.
And notice the parts you most strongly disagree with - what might be behind the screen that's making you act that way?
Amazing book and insights from it!
I've been reading a lot of books on psychology to help me better understand myself and the people around me.
This book, along with Lise Bourbeau's "Five injuries" are the best thing I've read on the topic of why we do what we do, we fear what we fear, we love what we love and we act in ways we normally don't understand.
Brilliant, practical, specific - definitely read it, you will be glad you did.
And notice the parts you most strongly disagree with - what might be behind the screen that's making you act that way?
Amazing book and insights from it!
November 12, 2011
This book was a bit hard for me to get through. Perhaps psychology isn't my thing. But I got interested towards the end, once it got into all of the sexual identity stuff. I also wonder if psychiatrists etc even still have these same beliefs, since the book was written almost 30 years ago now. But I will read anything John Cleese has anything to do with and that is the cross I have to bear.
December 27, 2015
Initially revealing, but as I get older I disagree with some of the stuff in the book. At times witty though.
July 20, 2021
The psychological studies and attitudes are a little dated, but this is a really fun book that features some great theories and explanations for individuals' behaviour and relationship dynamics.
May 13, 2013
I've read this before many years ago and remember finding all the cartoons funny but possibly alarmingly I don't think I took anything away from the book. This time I found it much more interesting, possibly because I have my time for non fiction now and also because I am in a better place in my life. Being pregnant probably helped as I'm very open to creating a fabulously nurturing environment for my little sproglett whilst trying to figure out how to handle my current step-mother hang ups and the fear of separate families, me and mine versus him and his. I also have the life book to wade through but I think I'll have a break before doing so to give my subconscious the time to chew the fat.
January 7, 2016
This book is written as an informal chat between Cleese and Skynner where they discuss how people's family influences who they choose as a partner and how that feeds on to how their new family functions once they have kids. Some bits are interesting - after reading it, I notice a lot more how couples seem to come from similar background even if the similarities aren't obvious. However, a lot of the theory and ideas are just too dated for me to pay them much attention at all. Homosexuals are deviants and are the way they are because they missed a stage in childhood, hmm, really?
September 21, 2015
"I was incredibly impressed with this book when I was younger and I've read it a number of times. The psychology of people functioning (or rather, not) as families is explored and explained by Robin Skynner in conversations with John Cleese. However, it does feel dated now, and some of the ideas perhaps turned out not to be the truth. It is still highly enjoyable though, containing both insights as well as a lot of fun passages and comments."
June 9, 2016
Amazing! It's unbelievable how common sensical most things seem and how most (if not all) situations described remind one of personal experience or of that of people around them.
Having a baby and a toddler in the family, I can honestly say that they will benefit from the fact that both parents have read the book.
Having a baby and a toddler in the family, I can honestly say that they will benefit from the fact that both parents have read the book.
February 22, 2024
enlightening initially with regards to why couples choose eachother and how family traits are perpetuated, but an absolute chore from that point onwards, particularly when it suggests that sexual preference is entirely down to nurture, and that your kids will respect you if you hit them. a good reminder not to bother finishing every book you start
October 25, 2009
If you have little children and want to know what is going on in their head, this is a good start...
If you want to know why you married the partner you are married to, this is a good start too...
If you want to know why you married the partner you are married to, this is a good start too...
November 29, 2018
Ох, най-сетне успях да прочета нещо всъщност.
Много приятно, достъпно четиво.
Много приятно, достъпно четиво.
March 25, 2021
I would have given a better rate if it has not sound so sexist. Overall an interesting reading with good learnings in it.
November 25, 2022
Out of date
May 10, 2020
Ocena byłaby wyższa, bo w porównaniu z następną książką (którą przeczytałam wcześniej) "Żyć na tym świecie i przetrwać" jest bardziej konkretna i więcej tam przystępnie wytłumaczonych mechanizmów dot. życia rodziny (cykle życia rodziny, kwestie lojalności, tabu i przekazów trasgeneracyjnych). Ale po raz kolejny, autorzy chcą powiedzieć za dużo, za wiele wytłumaczyć, przez co jest zbyt ogólna i po łebkach. Czytając należy brać pod uwagę czas, kiedy była pisana i aktualny stan wiedzy psychologicznej na tamten moment. Niebezpieczne byłoby czytanie książki, która jest tzw. "poradnikiem" i poppsychologią bez tego marginesu i bez tej świadomości. Ocena w dół za rozdział o homo- i transseksualizmie - mogli sobie go oszczędzić, nie mając wiedzy na ten temat, bo teorie przez nich głoszone są niebezpieczne. Ponadto, kwestie związane z autorytetem mężczyzny i wprowadzanie kwestii agresji jako potrzebnej i akceptowanej mogą być opacznie rozumiane.
September 10, 2017
Absolute must read for any amateur psychology enthusiast who wants to understand their own development and how their family's influenced them and their relationships.
November 10, 2012
An interesting and different book on psychology which is aimed at the average reader rather than the psychology student or medical expert. It takes the form of a conversation between English funnyman, John Cleese and his psychologist, Robin Skinner. Much like actual conversation, it tends to ramble at times, but it is quite witty. I could hear Cleese's voice in my head as I read. It also features cartoon illustrations which add to the "not too heavy" feel to the book.
As Freud blamed all psychological ailments on penises and patients' poor relationships with their mothers, so "Families and How to Survive Them", tends to, in my view, oversimplify some of the issues. Conversely, and a little paradoxically, it does explain and demonstrate quite clearly the complexities of human personalities and relationships.
Interesting, thought provoking, perhaps somewhat controversial especially with respect to the views expressed on homosexuality, funny and worth the read.
As Freud blamed all psychological ailments on penises and patients' poor relationships with their mothers, so "Families and How to Survive Them", tends to, in my view, oversimplify some of the issues. Conversely, and a little paradoxically, it does explain and demonstrate quite clearly the complexities of human personalities and relationships.
Interesting, thought provoking, perhaps somewhat controversial especially with respect to the views expressed on homosexuality, funny and worth the read.
January 14, 2016
The whole book is written in dialogue form between John Cleese and his old Therapist (Skynner). They discuss the psychological development of the child and how it can be disrupted. How we chose our partners and how families repeat patterns of behaviour down through the generations is looked at in great depth.
They discuss some very complicated psychoanalytic theory in a very accessible way, without once mentioning any technical terms. I already know a great deal of what they were discussing, but I found revisiting the topics in this friendly format gave me a firmer understanding. There are humorous exchanges at times but without making the book comedic.
I really enjoyed this non-fiction book, even though I didn't agree with all of the opinions within it (what makes people homosexual for example).
They discuss some very complicated psychoanalytic theory in a very accessible way, without once mentioning any technical terms. I already know a great deal of what they were discussing, but I found revisiting the topics in this friendly format gave me a firmer understanding. There are humorous exchanges at times but without making the book comedic.
I really enjoyed this non-fiction book, even though I didn't agree with all of the opinions within it (what makes people homosexual for example).
November 4, 2016
Um livro muito interessante sobre as terapias de grupo nomeadamente para fins de aconselhamento matrimonial. John Cleese (ator, do Monty Python) e o psiquiatra Robin Skynner conversam sobre casamento, filhos, amor, educação, paranoias, tudo aquilo que nos preocupa. Um livro que se desenvolve em 5 longos diálogos mas que se leem com muita facilidade até porque os autores vão ajudando os leitores a perceberem tudo. Um livro com quase 30 anos mas com muitas coisas interessantes para vivermos a vida mais informados.
May 10, 2011
Very good intro to stuff you might not know about how we chose our friends, partners etc.
Nicely written, in an understandable format, a conversation between Sinner and Cleese.
Very helpful in unpicking some of the crap that we encounter in interactions with our families.
I recommend this to my daughter Jo!
Nicely written, in an understandable format, a conversation between Sinner and Cleese.
Very helpful in unpicking some of the crap that we encounter in interactions with our families.
I recommend this to my daughter Jo!
January 7, 2013
Může být knížka psaná formou rozhovoru Johna Cleese z Monty Pythonů s psychiatrem vůbec špatná? Nejde to. Rozmělnění kresleným vtípkem přicházejí přesně ve chvílích, kdy témata začínají být na laika přece jen trochu moc psycho. Povinná literatura pro všechny, kteří uvažují o tom, že by si jednoho dne mohli někoho vzít a mít s ním nedejbože dítě.
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