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My God and I: A Spiritual Memoir
In this moving spiritual memoir, finished shortly before his death in December 2002, Lewis Smedes, beloved teacher and best-selling author, takes readers through his own lifelong walk with God.
In My God and I Smedes gives voice to both the struggles and the joys of his life, revealing his deepest questions to a God who would never let him go and expressing his eager anticipation of the day when, as God promises, all things will be made new. "It has been 'God and I' the whole way," Smedes writes. "Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because he did not trust me to travel alone."
Yet My God and I is more than Smedes's personal account of his travels with God -- the theological odyssey that was his life. Like all his writings, this book also models and instructs. Through his honest confessions on the nature of Christian faith, Smedes offers gentle insights not just about God but also about human life and how it can and should be lived. And for those interested in the particulars of Smedes's professional life, these pages include many anecdotes by one whose career was linked closely with shifting currents in modern theology and with some of America's premier educational institutions.
Above all, My God and I will provide a source of spiritual comfort to those who, like Smedes, continue to strive after the presence of God. It will also be a cherished good-bye for the many people who have been touched by the wisdom, wit, and charm of Lewis Smedes.
In My God and I Smedes gives voice to both the struggles and the joys of his life, revealing his deepest questions to a God who would never let him go and expressing his eager anticipation of the day when, as God promises, all things will be made new. "It has been 'God and I' the whole way," Smedes writes. "Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because he did not trust me to travel alone."
Yet My God and I is more than Smedes's personal account of his travels with God -- the theological odyssey that was his life. Like all his writings, this book also models and instructs. Through his honest confessions on the nature of Christian faith, Smedes offers gentle insights not just about God but also about human life and how it can and should be lived. And for those interested in the particulars of Smedes's professional life, these pages include many anecdotes by one whose career was linked closely with shifting currents in modern theology and with some of America's premier educational institutions.
Above all, My God and I will provide a source of spiritual comfort to those who, like Smedes, continue to strive after the presence of God. It will also be a cherished good-bye for the many people who have been touched by the wisdom, wit, and charm of Lewis Smedes.
133 pages, Hardcover
First published April 30, 2003
About the author
Lewis B. Smedes
34 books61 followersLewis Benedictus Smedes (1921 — December 19, 2002) was a renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. He was a professor of theology and ethics for twenty-five years at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. His 15 books, including the popular Forgive and Forget, covered some important issues including sexuality and forgiveness.
Lewis Benedictus Smedes was born in 1921, the youngest of five children. His father, Melle Smedes, and mother, Rena (Benedictus), emigrated to the United States from Oostermeer, Friesland in the Netherlands. (Rena's name before being changed by the officials at Ellis Island was Renske.) When he was two-months-old, his father died in the partially completed house he built in Muskegon, Michigan. He married Doris Dekker. He died after falling from a ladder at his home in Sierra Madre, California on December 19, 2002. He was survived by his wife, three children, two grandchildren and one brother.
In addition to many articles, Smedes wrote many popular books including:
* Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Harper, 1984
* A Pretty Good Person What it Takes to Live with Courage, Gratitude, & Integrity or When Pretty Good Is as Good as You Can Be, Harper, 1990
* Standing on the Promises
* Choices: Making Right Decisions in a Complex World
* How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?
* Caring & Commitment: Learning to Live the Love We Promise
* The Incarnation in Modern Anglo-Catholic Theology
* All Things Made New
* Love Within Limits
* Sex for Christians
* Mere Morality: What God Expects From Ordinary People
* A Life of Distinction
* The Art of Forgiving
* Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve
* Keeping Hope Alive
* My God and I, a Spiritual Memoir, Eerdmans, 2003
Lewis Benedictus Smedes was born in 1921, the youngest of five children. His father, Melle Smedes, and mother, Rena (Benedictus), emigrated to the United States from Oostermeer, Friesland in the Netherlands. (Rena's name before being changed by the officials at Ellis Island was Renske.) When he was two-months-old, his father died in the partially completed house he built in Muskegon, Michigan. He married Doris Dekker. He died after falling from a ladder at his home in Sierra Madre, California on December 19, 2002. He was survived by his wife, three children, two grandchildren and one brother.
In addition to many articles, Smedes wrote many popular books including:
* Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Harper, 1984
* A Pretty Good Person What it Takes to Live with Courage, Gratitude, & Integrity or When Pretty Good Is as Good as You Can Be, Harper, 1990
* Standing on the Promises
* Choices: Making Right Decisions in a Complex World
* How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?
* Caring & Commitment: Learning to Live the Love We Promise
* The Incarnation in Modern Anglo-Catholic Theology
* All Things Made New
* Love Within Limits
* Sex for Christians
* Mere Morality: What God Expects From Ordinary People
* A Life of Distinction
* The Art of Forgiving
* Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve
* Keeping Hope Alive
* My God and I, a Spiritual Memoir, Eerdmans, 2003
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
August 7, 2020
the most theologically and psychologically refreshing book I’ve read this summer.
October 13, 2021
This is a memoir of Smedes' search to understand God throughout his life. It's an interesting read beginning with his childhood in a Christian home dominated by a mother who struggled with low self-esteem, caught in a search for God. It seemed to me that Lewis absorbed his mother's sense of inferiority and longing for a close friendship with God, in spite of all his accomplishments. His search continued through Lewis Smede's life and at the end, he still didn't feel satisfied with himself. His travels and his short punches of Calvinist church history are interesting. The author's life was filled with success as a Bible teacher but the book maintains a sense of sadness as he laments over never feeling satisfied with himself and his relationship with God. I found myself wishing he could feel God's love - ironic for a man of such great work in God's service.
April 19, 2014
Found this on my dad's bookshelf yesterday. My dad was the ultimate bibliophile. We shared a passion for God and also for wrestling with the questions and difficulties of faith and life. This memoir has strengthened my faith and as the last chapters so beautifully described renewed my gratitude and hope. Thanks, Dad for leaving this book on your shelf for me to find.
March 23, 2024
Lewis Smedes’ spiritual memoir is honest about his own struggles and the Grace that sustained him. As someone raised in the same Dutch Calvinism that he describes I resonate with much of what he both admires and struggles with in the tradition.
September 15, 2021
My Pastor gave me this book because he has been following me both as a friend as well as my spiritual journey – into what I call elderly old age. Some days my age (83 in November) settles in, but more often I am simply grateful for what God has done with my life and that He has still more for me to work on. In one of my quiet sessions last year He told me that I still had a very long way to go. I will go with that.
This book is a spiritual memoir. The author takes us through his struggles and the joys of life.He lived for 81 years. He talks of his questions of and to God, many similar to what we have all or will experience. Yes some of this seems a bit parochial in that it is set in Michigan and the Reformed Church (which our church was up until about 4 years ago.)
In his own words, the trip of life has not always been pleasant "Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because He did not trust me to travel alone."
"It has been 'God and I' the whole way," Smedes writes.
“My God and I” provides a source of spiritual comfort to those who, like the author continue to strive after the presence of God. He was a passionate Christian, with the heart of a pastor, and very good writing skills that reach the average person on the street and in church.
The book is broken into 27 short chapters and takes us through the stages of his life journey, beginning with his grandparents and ending with his retirement years. A lot of parallels to my life, really.
His faith, he wrote, was always “laden with doubts” because of the huge differences between that for which we hope and the realities/experiences we see all around us.
In the end, he found himself “at the station called hope.” He said “I liked the last miles of the journey better than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home. And sticking with me all the way.”
This book is a spiritual memoir. The author takes us through his struggles and the joys of life.He lived for 81 years. He talks of his questions of and to God, many similar to what we have all or will experience. Yes some of this seems a bit parochial in that it is set in Michigan and the Reformed Church (which our church was up until about 4 years ago.)
In his own words, the trip of life has not always been pleasant "Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because He did not trust me to travel alone."
"It has been 'God and I' the whole way," Smedes writes.
“My God and I” provides a source of spiritual comfort to those who, like the author continue to strive after the presence of God. He was a passionate Christian, with the heart of a pastor, and very good writing skills that reach the average person on the street and in church.
The book is broken into 27 short chapters and takes us through the stages of his life journey, beginning with his grandparents and ending with his retirement years. A lot of parallels to my life, really.
His faith, he wrote, was always “laden with doubts” because of the huge differences between that for which we hope and the realities/experiences we see all around us.
In the end, he found himself “at the station called hope.” He said “I liked the last miles of the journey better than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home. And sticking with me all the way.”
September 19, 2019
Our pastor Chris Rea quoted this book in her sermon a few weeks ago and I was reminded how much I had appreciated it before. This time I purchased it so I can re-read parts. Her point was how Smedes' wife Doris was Christ to him even when he could not find his faith. But that particular chapter ends in the wonderful bit about how God comes to him in a little blue pill called Prozac each morning as well!
Lewis Smedes' childhood was difficult and deprived. The fact that he managed to get an education and be so productive and helpful to many is an example of God's grace in our lives.
--------------September 2019--Maybe my third reading and worth reading three times. Smede's honest faith is a model for me.
Lewis Smedes' childhood was difficult and deprived. The fact that he managed to get an education and be so productive and helpful to many is an example of God's grace in our lives.
--------------September 2019--Maybe my third reading and worth reading three times. Smede's honest faith is a model for me.
May 6, 2018
About halfway through, I found myself bristling at some of his thoughts about God. But I kept reading. I'm glad I did. His memoir is honest and raw. As I neared the end, I found myself in tears. He had a tender heart towards those who suffer, and what he said about gratefulness was beautifully written.
November 6, 2024
This story of an immigrant family is so riveting. Lewis B. Smedes’s memoir; his struggles, self-doubts due to harsh life events, experienced the adversities of loved ones, especially his mother, who affected him significantly.
His journey on knowing who God and His love took him to circumstances that nurtured his maturity in his understanding that God love us unconditionally - with no strings attached.
I love the last chapter of the book where he wrote about Hope – he merged the three psychological constituents of “dream, desire, and faith.”
I want to share a brief summary of his dream for humanity – “I dream of a world where no father will ever abuse his child and where no child will ever abuse his father. I dream of a world in which no mother will ever watch her children go to bed hungry. A world where nobody points a gun at another human being or aims a bomb at any city. A world where no family is torn apart by mistrust or brutality. Where no woman will ever be assaulted or insulted by a man.”
I share his sentiments on finding himself on the journey that he and God have been on the station called hope, the one that comes right after gratitude. Feeling the presence of God when he got up each morning or when he was afraid to sleep at night. And just like him, I thank God for getting me going and sticking with me all the way, and hopeful that someday He will bring me home where there will be never ending peace and joy.
I am not familiar with Lewis B. Smedes’ writing, but I am sure glad that I came across this wonderful, inspiring book!
His journey on knowing who God and His love took him to circumstances that nurtured his maturity in his understanding that God love us unconditionally - with no strings attached.
I love the last chapter of the book where he wrote about Hope – he merged the three psychological constituents of “dream, desire, and faith.”
I want to share a brief summary of his dream for humanity – “I dream of a world where no father will ever abuse his child and where no child will ever abuse his father. I dream of a world in which no mother will ever watch her children go to bed hungry. A world where nobody points a gun at another human being or aims a bomb at any city. A world where no family is torn apart by mistrust or brutality. Where no woman will ever be assaulted or insulted by a man.”
I share his sentiments on finding himself on the journey that he and God have been on the station called hope, the one that comes right after gratitude. Feeling the presence of God when he got up each morning or when he was afraid to sleep at night. And just like him, I thank God for getting me going and sticking with me all the way, and hopeful that someday He will bring me home where there will be never ending peace and joy.
I am not familiar with Lewis B. Smedes’ writing, but I am sure glad that I came across this wonderful, inspiring book!
February 28, 2017
Smedes' spiritual memoir is exhausting and refreshing at the time time.
Smedes' is exhausting in his moroseness. His entire life is seen through a kind of curtain of darkness that he describes throughout his life's experience. Like a theologian or philosopher, he describes the wars and intellectual angst through the years that can be very difficult to read. Furthermore, these take his to places that I would consider theologically unhealthy in some ways - though not every way.
However, the book is refreshing in it's honesty. Smedes does not mince words when discussing his own sin, struggles, confusion, and hope. There is a sense in which his life culminates in the grace of God drowning out much of the darkness that he struggled with. His hope in the final consummation make the journey bearable.
Finally, I felt guilty that I do not more often feel the pain and weight of a sinful world. I have no problem feeling how it relates to myself - but I often do not allow myself to feel it upon "others." I have difficult projecting my mind to feeling the pain of other people. Smedes seemed to be acutely aware of this.
Smedes' is exhausting in his moroseness. His entire life is seen through a kind of curtain of darkness that he describes throughout his life's experience. Like a theologian or philosopher, he describes the wars and intellectual angst through the years that can be very difficult to read. Furthermore, these take his to places that I would consider theologically unhealthy in some ways - though not every way.
However, the book is refreshing in it's honesty. Smedes does not mince words when discussing his own sin, struggles, confusion, and hope. There is a sense in which his life culminates in the grace of God drowning out much of the darkness that he struggled with. His hope in the final consummation make the journey bearable.
Finally, I felt guilty that I do not more often feel the pain and weight of a sinful world. I have no problem feeling how it relates to myself - but I often do not allow myself to feel it upon "others." I have difficult projecting my mind to feeling the pain of other people. Smedes seemed to be acutely aware of this.
June 5, 2018
One theme of this memoir is that some theologies are deeply inadequate, often even harsh, when it comes to pain and suffering. Smedes’ life is so inextricably connected to theology and the study of it that it adds a level of thoughtful complexity to his humble inclusions of personal (and empathetic) pain. What I love about this book is the gentleness with which he recounts the wrestling of his faith and his pain, his frustrations with the church, and his sorrows over the state of the world. So often where theology and pain have not fit nicely, there is anger and disillusionment - Smedes does not shy away from the difficulty of this relationship, but he doesn’t treat the interchange of theology and suffering with bitterness, either. There’s much grace and humble admission of uncertainty here that sometimes brought me to tears. Highly recommended.
October 21, 2017
I enjoyed this book by Lewis Smedes very much. I had never heard of him before, but now I realize he was a renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian. He taught at both Calvin College and Fuller Seminary. This is the story of his life, but more importantly his story of his walk with God. I like how he is so completely honest with all of his struggles. He's funny, too, at times. He shows how God, at this point, allows evil in the world, but how He always cares for His children. I am thankful to Dr. Smedes for sharing his story with us. Interestingly, the book was published posthumously.
September 28, 2023
Non-fiction - a great little book about a pastor's faith journey through the Dutch Reformed Church (now the Christian Reformed Church). His stories are heartfelt, his examples of his family (both biological and church) are touching and his faith is sincere and incredibly honest. The story about his family being more willing to accept welfare food stamps from the God-less Roosevelt administration instead of food from the nosy church elders made me smile.
Canadian references - an uncle sneaks across the Canadian border to live in the US.
Pharmacy references - Melle goes to the pharmacy to get his Christmas cigar; Lewis gets a very temporary job at Walgreen's.
Canadian references - an uncle sneaks across the Canadian border to live in the US.
Pharmacy references - Melle goes to the pharmacy to get his Christmas cigar; Lewis gets a very temporary job at Walgreen's.
July 15, 2019
Just not my cup of tea. Some parts were interesting. But it was mostly dry, to me, because I don't think I'm the right audience. I was hoping for more spiritual insight, rather than theological history.
July 16, 2020
A realistic memoir of faith. A story of hope and doubt. I appreciated the author’s realism. Why he chose to believe what he believed but also how to use that in real life.
February 14, 2021
3.5 stars
August 6, 2023
easy/quick read, enjoyed
April 5, 2024
I loved this book! I don’t give 5 star reviews very often, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this text. Thank you, Lewis Smedes for sharing your life and wisdom!
February 15, 2025
I did not always agree with what I read but found the book warm and easy to read.
Read
April 1, 2026Grateful for Lewis Smedes life and words.
June 19, 2012
During a dark time in my life, I read Lewis B. Smedes book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve. Smedes has had a special place in my heart since then. When I saw his memoir I knew I had to read it!
The first things that are noticeable about Smedes' writing is his transparency, humility and gentleness. He does not come across as a pastor and writer who presumes to know all the answers and I respect that greatly. He gently and humbly shares from his own life. He does not hide behind a mask of a perfect and unrealistic Christian life. He freely shares both his dreary melancholy days, and his roses and sunshine days. By the end of the book I had tears in my eyes because of a man who was willing to reveal his inner-self.
Smedes begins his story with a short biography of his parents. Both his parents were from the Netherlands. His mother's father was Mennonite and his mother of reformed faith. Their story of how they met was interesting in that they were of different backgrounds and of a wide age gap; yet they blended their "mixed marriage" and made a life for each other. Smedes own father died when he was young and his mother struggled to provide for him and his siblings. Smedes went to college and seminary. Later teaching at prestigious universities and seminaries. During the 1950's he lived in Europe. Throughout his years of teaching, preaching and even writing; Smedes struggled against the feelings that, "he was the worst of sinners." He dwelled on inferior feelings and thoughts, and he readily acknowledged his wife as spurring him on in ridding himself of this toxic thinking.
Smedes also shares why he believed in the reformed faith, his thoughts on fundamentalism, transparency.
My favorite quote:
"...why we need more than anything else is the Spirit of love to open our eyes and ears to see and hear what is really going on in the heart and mind of the person to whom we are talking."
I loved this book and am grateful to the late Lewis B. Smedes that he was willing to share his life story on page.
Thank you to William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company for my free copy in exchange for an honest review!
The first things that are noticeable about Smedes' writing is his transparency, humility and gentleness. He does not come across as a pastor and writer who presumes to know all the answers and I respect that greatly. He gently and humbly shares from his own life. He does not hide behind a mask of a perfect and unrealistic Christian life. He freely shares both his dreary melancholy days, and his roses and sunshine days. By the end of the book I had tears in my eyes because of a man who was willing to reveal his inner-self.
Smedes begins his story with a short biography of his parents. Both his parents were from the Netherlands. His mother's father was Mennonite and his mother of reformed faith. Their story of how they met was interesting in that they were of different backgrounds and of a wide age gap; yet they blended their "mixed marriage" and made a life for each other. Smedes own father died when he was young and his mother struggled to provide for him and his siblings. Smedes went to college and seminary. Later teaching at prestigious universities and seminaries. During the 1950's he lived in Europe. Throughout his years of teaching, preaching and even writing; Smedes struggled against the feelings that, "he was the worst of sinners." He dwelled on inferior feelings and thoughts, and he readily acknowledged his wife as spurring him on in ridding himself of this toxic thinking.
Smedes also shares why he believed in the reformed faith, his thoughts on fundamentalism, transparency.
My favorite quote:
"...why we need more than anything else is the Spirit of love to open our eyes and ears to see and hear what is really going on in the heart and mind of the person to whom we are talking."
I loved this book and am grateful to the late Lewis B. Smedes that he was willing to share his life story on page.
Thank you to William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company for my free copy in exchange for an honest review!
May 16, 2011
For all his fine words about how God likes good grammar (Rob Bell take note) I can't help feeling it's suppose to be My God and Me. But I suppose My God and I implies the sentence is unfinished and they're off to do something together, which has a nice feel.
In any case, it was a lovely book, humourous and down to earth. As an example, here's how he talks about his 'vision quest' retreat and return from depression:
"Then God came back, He broke through my terror and said: "I will never let you fall. I will always hold you up." When I heard him speak - or, as some of my friends say, imagined that I heard him speak - I felt as if I had been lifted from a black pit straight up into joy...Never before had I known such an amazing grace...
I have not been neurotically depressed since that day, though I must, to be honest, tell you that God also comes to me each morning and offers me a 20-milligram capsule of Prozac...I swallow every capsule with gratitude to God."
November 12, 2015
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book. Smedes has such a wonderful way with words and such grace and humility in how he writes them. This is the first book I've read by Lewis B. Smedes and I look forward to reading others.
"This is where I find myself now on the journey that God and I have been on, at the station called hope, the one that comes right after gratitude and somewhere not far from journey's end. It has been "God and I" the whole way. Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because he did not trust me to travel alone. Personally I liked the last miles of the journey better than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home. And sticking with me all the way.' - Lewis B. Smedes
"This is where I find myself now on the journey that God and I have been on, at the station called hope, the one that comes right after gratitude and somewhere not far from journey's end. It has been "God and I" the whole way. Not so much because he has always been pleasant company. Not because I could always feel his presence when I got up in the morning or when I was afraid to sleep at night. It was because he did not trust me to travel alone. Personally I liked the last miles of the journey better than the first. But, since I could not have the ending without first having the beginning, I thank God for getting me going and bringing me home. And sticking with me all the way.' - Lewis B. Smedes
October 10, 2012
This was a really enjoyable read. Smedes had a very soft-hearted, humble view of his life. His lifelong working-out of his Reformed faith as he worked, studied, and taught was encouraging and refreshing. He died as he was completing the edits of the memoir, adding some gravity to what turned out to be his end-of-life reflections.
February 25, 2016
Short but wonderful memoir by a theologian who (among other things) briefly attended Moody Bible Institute, then Calvin College, then studied in Amsterdam with Berkouwer, and who fills the book with personal anecdotes of interactions with Barth, Van Til, JND Kelly, and C.S. Lewis at Oxford, before being a much loved professor and ethicist at Fuller for many years.
October 26, 2007
I really like the honesty of Lewis Smedes in this autobiography. He has been on the cutting edge of theological ethics for decades. This is nonscholarly, but quite interesting in seeing his development.
January 5, 2008
I loved this book by Lew Smedes. So much was familiar since I attended Calvin College and Fuller Seminary. And since my father is a Dutch immigrant and I've lived in Western Michigan and California. His views on faith are so inspirtational.
August 2, 2011
My favorite book of all time. This is a book I'd have written if I could have put my heart into words! Lewis Smedes validates so many of my inner heart thoughts and feelings. I wish I'd had the opportunity to know the man and to learn at his knee!
April 4, 2012
What a delightful memoir..completed just before he passed away. Smedes makes me glad to be a Calvinist.
September 26, 2012
Excellent memoir. Honest and inspiring. Plus this guy hung out with Karl Barth! Crazy. :)
January 14, 2013
Smedes is so transparent and kind. You can easily imagine him as your favorite grandfather. Just a lot of godly wisdom from a guy who has mileage.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews