It's Only a Movie: Reel Life Adventures of a Film Obsessive

by Mark Kermode

To avoid fainting keep repeating,

It's only a move
..only a movie
..only a movie
..only a movie

If you grew up believing that Planet of the Apes told you all you needed to know about politics, that Slade in Flame was a savage exposé of the pop world, and that The Exorcist revealed the meaning of life, then you probably spent far too many of your formative years at the cinema. Just as likely, you soon realised that there was only one career open to you - you'd have to become a film critic.

In It's Only a Movie, the incomparable Mark Kermode takes us into the weird world of a life lived in widescreen. Join him as he embarks on a gut-wrenching journey through the former Soviet Union on the trail of the low-budget horror flick Dark Waters, cringe as he's handbagged by Helen Mirren at the BAFTA awards ceremony, cheer as he gets thrown out of the Cannes Film Festival for heckling in very bad French, and don't forget to gasp as he's shot at while interviewing Werner Herzog in the Hollywood Hills. Written with sardonic wit and wry good humour, this compelling cinematic memoir is genuinely 'inspired by real events'.

Genres: Nonfiction, Film, Biography, Media Tie In, Audiobook, Autobiography, Memoir

320 pages, Paperback

First published February 4, 2010

Reviews

[Antonomasia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Especially for a book I bought two years ago to find info that wasn't even in it, this was a lot of fun.

The first couple of chapters I liked so much I thought I'd be giving it 5 stars. The nostalgia was perfectly pitched - childhood 70s cinema, 80s leftwing student politics and journalism. That was being a "proper student", because of course, being a kid at the time, that's when my idea of how students were was formed. First time I tried to read it all the way through, it was kind of overwhelming and I stopped after a few pages; this time it was just perfect. It was surprisingly wise about a number of things, not only film. And having not spent much time around film geeks for a while, his enthusiasm was almost as exciting as when, a few days after starting university, a boy said to a group of us in halls "Come up, I've got some great music I bet you've never heard of". Not in the arrogant-hipster way that sounds on paper, but with a naive soft-spoken charm, and the enthusiasm of a friend who really wants you to meet their pets. I was one of two who had heard of nearly all of it - and there was that new feeling of having *found people*. Odd to have it echoed by a mere book, and by someone who, in it, doesn't display much overlap with my taste - even if, via other media, he did help form it. It must have just been the right moment.

Subsequent chapters have rather too much brass neck and ego and sheer stupidity (at nearly 30, not to realise that Russia in the early 90s would involve rough and ready conditions and travelling long distances, really?) - to be as charming as the first two, but Kermode evidently knows this, and I am in absolutely no position to criticise self-aware egotists. His opinions can be bulldozingly firm, yet he suspects they may also be rubbish, and at one point he describes his writing style as having evolved from 'NME teaboy' to 'pedantic dullard'. Which strikes a chord. Though I think he's considerably more entertaining than that. There are plenty of little things in here I identify with or which remind me of people I know, which made it a very cosy read.

He is evidently one of those for whom sheer dumb luck had a substantial role in his becoming famous - though he's clearly also got some quality that made people overlook the initial fuck-ups he made in most of his early, brazenly blagged, jobs. Here he's funny and has an enviable knack of making long digressions work. Some GR reviewer has described him as making crap dad-jokes... but then it's already a while ago that I started to think some of Mojo looked genuinely interesting...

Something that's largely off-screen is his marriage to film professor Linda Ruth Williams. They've been together since university and there's a sense of a great and idiosyncratic dynamic which has at times involved them living in different cities for work, whilst remaining a couple; together it seems they've both a lot in common and skill in living amicably with differences of opinion.

Kermode is well-known for his love of gory horror cinema. (Whilst I enjoy campy horror, I hate gore, and if ambushed by it in something I'm watching, like to make a sweary and muscular response, such as "that can fuck right off", so as not to feel like too much of a wuss.) It turns out he's a vegetarian who refuses to watch anything with unsimulated animal cruelty. I've never quite been able to grok the phenomenon of peaceable, sometimes sweet and quiet, people who love horror, but I've met enough of them to know they are real and that horror fan doesn't usually equate with depraved. I have a somewhat similar fascination with less civilised periods of history, ancient natural disasters and the like, and - as well as being an off-grid hippie manquée - among the reasons are something about the tenor and sharpness of life which resonates, which might be similar to the attraction of gory horror for its fans.

For me, Kermode has always been synonymous with the mid-90s Mark Radcliffe show on Radio 1 and I haven't heard a huge amount by him since - mostly written articles. However, to Kermode the Graveyard Shift was a relatively minor point and his greatest professional partnership is with Simon Mayo - it's from those shows and subsequent fame that many more people know him. I got this ebook because I hoped it contained a list of all the films he'd covered in the Cult Film Slot. It didn't, only alluding to a couple, and yet again I regretted throwing away the notebook(s) in which I'd listed most of the Cult Films and Cult Books from the shows I heard. I always thought someone else would have done the same and put the lists online, but if they haven't by now, they probably never will. It's Only a Movie shows Kermode having such a love of geeky uber-detail and recovering lost fragments that he seems like someone who'd be sympathetic to the question, even if he didn't keep the info, but it won't be me who asks, as I have an abiding dislike of the idea of anything resembling fanmail or bothering famous people. (The only fan letter I ever wrote was to Nicky Campbell when I was maybe 13 - his show was in the slot Radcliffe took over. I used lots of show-off vocab, including the phrase "bathos and pathos", because he had some sort of word-power type feature on his show. I haven't been able to watch or listen to Campbell since my late teens; even TV trailers induce intolerable cringing.)

This book can sound a lot like Kermode's radio delivery, but often I was too caught up in the narrative to be conscious of it. I didn't come away with as long a watchlist as I expected, simply enthusiastic reminders to get round to stuff I already wanted to see, especially Slade in Flame and something by Werner Herzog, who here sounds as fascinatingly eccentric as anywhere. Dark Water, the production that led to his ordeal of a trip to Russia and Ukraine, also sounds intriguing.

[Andy Wixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mark Kermode is one of those people who drifted around on the fringes of my awareness for years before I actually became aware of him as an individual: initially as the 'double bass player with a doctorate in horror films' on the house band of even-obscure-at-the-time-it-went-out talk show Danny Baker After All, then as the film bloke on The Mark and Lard Show, and so on in various other capacities until I finally twigged that there can't be many horror-loving film commentators who dress like undertakers and go to the same hair stylist as Mark Lamarr.

Kermode's book is about as eclectic, not to mention eccentric, as that description of him probably sounds. He, as he readily admits, is only really interested in films and his memoir focusses on that to the exclusion of practically all else - his wife and children get mentioned in passing but in virtually no detail, not even the rough dates of their appearance on the scene. He also happily owns up to having an extremely unreliable memory - this faculty somehow managed to mash up the trailers for Cabaret and Battle for the Planet of the Apes - and so it may well be that large sections of this book are utterly mendacious, albeit inadvertantly so.

That doesn't stop it being very amusing. Sections deal with Kermode's student years as an extreme left-wing activist, his first visit to the States, a nightmarish journey to a film set in the Ukraine, his radio career, notable barneys with film-makers, and the occasion on which he was interviewing Werner Herzog when his subject was shot in the trouser region by an unknown sniper.

It's very funny, for the most part, written with self-deprecating humour throughout (even if he isn't the greatest prose stylist in the world). Dr K isn't afraid of going off on a tangent when the mood strikes him - sillier excesses of censorship tend to draw his ire, but he also devotes four pages to giving the boot to Mamma Mia! in general and Pierce Brosnan's singing in particular.

Rather sweetly, mainly because it seems entirely unintentional, the portrait of Kermode that emerges is of someone with an abiding passion for some of the nastiest films ever made, and whose career largely revolves around ranting into a microphone, but who is also a genuinely nice guy with what I suppose we must call a 'strong moral core'. If you know who Mark Kermode is and have ever enjoyed one of his reviews, I suspect you will enjoy this book a lot. If you don't know who he is - well, there's plenty of his stuff on YouTube; check it out and then decide for yourself.

[davidhasalife · Rating 2 out of 5]

“It’s a book.”
“A book?”
“Yes, it’s a book by a film critic called Mark Kermode.”
“Mark Kermode? The film critic?”
“Yes, the film critic Mark Kermode.”
“And he’s written a book?”
“Yes.”
“Mark Kermode has written a book?”
“Yes, Mark Kermode has written a book.”
“And it’s about film criticism?”
“Well, kind of. It’s more like a series of uninteresting film-tangential anecdotes, with sprinklings of the worst aspects of Kermode’s shouty opinions thrown in for good measure.”
“And it’s a book?”
“Yes, it’s a book.”
“Well, then. Sounds like it’s a book!”

[Baba · Rating 3 out of 5]

Subtitled 'Real Life Adventures of a Movie Obsessive', the very readable, well written biography of Mark Kermode, much more centred on what he does and has seen, than so much about the 'real' Mark. Another clever thing about this book, is how it isn't a 'fanboy' work on the details of movies and movie folklore, but a charting of Kermode's career by the retelling of often captivating anecdotes. 7 out of 12.

[Gavin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the Kermode, make no bones about it. The man is -by some margin- the most engaging and honest voice out there when it comes to films. Whether he be wrong or right. Personally I think the alchemy of the man himself is the most interesting thing about him: A God-bothering Old Trot feminist who loves splatter movies and can easily laugh at himself? How did that happen? And you get to look at that between the lines here, but not nearly as much as I had hoped.

When he's talking about himself, he's not nearly as much cop as he is when talking about his reaction to films, though I'm sure it's a matter of practice. He does commendably little celeb-slurping, his anecdotes about his altercations with The Olympian Few are, if I'm honest, to be expected in the autobiography of a film-critic and you do genuinely believe he's only bringing up the Werner Herzog experience at the end of the book because it's a neat and engaging anecdote that tidily encapsulates a great portion of his world-view.

As a psychologist (of sorts) I completely agree with his unwitting description of episodic memory as the human brain playing back a movie that's susceptible to reel-tampering, in particular some of his earlier memories he puts under the microscope and re-examines are really fascinating. It's when we get to the long, rather dull middle-aged dinner-table anecdotes about his trip to Russia/New York/Wherever else or his First Time on Air or How He Got the Gig at Time-Out that I lose interest. Unfortunately, about a half of the book is just that, and Dave Barry he ain't.

When he's talking about his ideological clash with Herzog, or the ex-porn theatre that became an arthouse cinema, or his first experience of The Exorcist it's fine, thought-provoking stuff. When he's telling you stories about how he went here and did this with that bloke, it's not.

[Woflmao · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fans of Mark Kermode will not be surprised or disappointed by this book. Each chapter contains an episode of Kermode's life, told by him as if it were a movie "based on real events". Along the way, he introduces, reviews and rambles-on-about the movies that shaped his life or at least his career as a film critic (if you need some inspiration which movies to watch, this is a good guide). The book reads essentially like a long version of Kermode's film reviews, which is a good thing if you like them. (If not, you won't read this book anyway.)
The only little downside is Kermode's ongoing self-deprecation, which is sort of funny, but he overdoes it; I caught myself thinking frequently "yes yes, I get it, you're no good at anything and it's a miracle you ever made it anywhere, now move on!". Aside from that, great fun for fans of wittertainment.

[Lucy Richards · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Libby Caldwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was more a memoir of film-adjacent moments in Kermode’s life than simply a book of thoughts on certain films, directors, etc. However they were still wittily, if not concisely, told.

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kermode is a devisive figure but I find him hilarious.
This book is funny, he is witty and self deprecating and will admit his own foolishness.
I don't always agree with his reviews, if I did I probably wouldn't like him nearly as much as I do.
A fun read.

[Joseph R. · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of our Anglophile obsessions is listening to the podcast version of the Friday afternoon movie review show on 5Live featuring Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo (or is it Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode?). Mr. Kermode is a highly opinionated film reviewer who has had a long and interesting career in the movie reviewing and film analyzing business.

His first book, It's Only a Movie: Reel Life Adventures of a Film Obsessive, came out in 2010 and chronicles his life growing up as a movie fan. He goes off to college in Manchester where he gets involved in hard-left political movements and film journalism. He's mellowed out slightly on the politics and not at all on his movie opinions. The book then relates several different stories of his travels for interviews with famous film makers. Most interesting is a visit to the former Soviet Union filled with the sort of hilarious disillusionment that's only funny long after the fact (the car ride from Odessa to a film location is a particularly memorable anecdote). And of course his (in)famous interview with Werner Herzog in the California Hills, when Herzog was shot in his abdomen by an "insignificant bullet."

The book also includes many asides about many different movies. Fans of the radio show will find his collected thoughts of the awful goodness of Mamma Mia! here as well as reflections on various other movies. The tone of the book is conversational, with Kermode describing his life as if it were being made into a "movie of the week" with Jason Isaacs playing himself. Many pop culture references are made. Some were unfamiliar to me, though they might be more appreciated by someone who grew up in England in the 80s rather than came to appreciate it more from afar in the 2000s.

It's a fun, quick read that fills in some gaps about Kermode's history for fans and provides a diverting character sketch with anecdotes for the reader unfamiliar with Kermode's many achievements.

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I haven’t always agreed with Mark Kermode’s assessments (which, surely, is the point of criticism), the fact that he worked in the mainstream media and was interested in the same kind of cinema as me drew me in time and again. Reading this sort-of-memoir - we get bits of his life, his thoughts on films and some adventures he’s had along the way - made me like him all the more, from the laught-out-loud funny “Jim Lea knows my name!” (and those of us who’ve been lucky enough to meet creative heroes know exactly what he means) to the self-deprecating slights (the City Life van crash to the tune of the hokey-cokey). He doesn’t pull his punches (equating Pierce Brosnan’s singing in “Mamma Mia” to the QE2 docking) and some comments needed to be said (Ikea Knightly especially), but he’s genuinely enthused with a love of the movies and this really comes across, carrying the reader easily over the one section that doesn’t particularly work (the Russian misadventure, which goes on for way too long). Opinionated, funny, genuine and honest, this is highly recommended to anyone who likes their cinema a little off the beaten track.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like sitting down to tea with the great man himself. If I drank tea, which I don`t. Maybe it`ll be a bacon sarnie instead then. Except Marks a veggie. You get the picture though...

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short but (hopefully) sweet review: Loved this book, laughed a lot, and adored Mark Kermode throughout. Definitely recommended, especially film fans!

[Paul Reid · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's got Mark in it, a bit about films, some real life experiences and some half made up stuff.

It jumps about a bit and witters off in different directions for no reason but that's why we listen.

[Petrina Binney · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is hard to rate a book where the author is candidly so-so about whether he truly remembers what happened in his own life, or if he’s making it up. And yet, as I turned the pages, I found Mark Kermode’s stories and delivery both charming and self-effacing.

I started reading It’s Only A Movie because it was a Christmas present from my godmother who recognises me as (also) a film obsessive. I think most of us read a critique, or watch it on the telly, and that’s that. We’ll make a decision about what we’re going to watch/read/listen to and, whether the critic has helped or not, we’ll make our own decisions, sometimes in defiance of the review. Sometimes, it just so happens that you find a critic who has the same sensibilities as you, and then you know you’ve got an accomplice. You know not to waste your time with… or that _________ is exactly what you’re looking for.

But that’s where it ends. I don’t think many of us give an awful lot of thought for what happens when a critic slates a film and then runs into one of its stars. I loved the story of how Mr Kermode shrivelled, almost into unbeing, when he was met by the sight of Dame Helen Mirren, wanting an explanation of why he had proclaimed 2006 Stephen Frears movie, ’The Queen’, “not a film”.

I really liked the beginning. The early Kermode, blundering into jobs, exaggerating his experience and making it up as he went along, with varying levels of success, was a hoot.

I loved the stories from Russia. There was something Fawlty-esque about Mr Kermode’s exploits across the former USSR, and I found myself laughing out loud more than once.

Of course, Mr Kermode remembers (as I vaguely do) the time of the video nasties. I now realise that these were likely splatter movies. In my young-enough brain, I’d assumed they were porn. A different sort of splatter. But sensibilities being what they were, are and might well be, I think Mr Kermode delivered a very well thought-through, very profound explanation of censorship and his personal feelings around it.

But the real highlight for me was when Mark first met Linda Blair, star of his favourite film, The Exorcist. There’s something entirely endearing about a grown man, choosing a table that’s far too big for his needs, at a restaurant, and then methodically emptying out the contents of his bag, jacket pockets, whatever, to fill the space while he waits.

[M.D. · Rating 2 out of 5]

For awhile, I've been watching Kermode's take on various movies in the form of YouTube clips. It's been fun.

His personality and style are easy to latch on to... His is a nice little debate-y ramble that tries to cover all the angles of what works about cinema (and what doesn't). He's right about a lot of things, and even if he wasn't, he's still entertaining.

His books? Well, they're definitely written in his own (unmistakable) voice. His words read exactly how Kermode speaks, so... there's that.

But unlike those YouTube movie-specifics clips, there's no concise editing here or a sidekick like Mayo to keep him on track... His stories contain LOTS of asides, embellishments, rambles, comparisons, references, etc. It gets tiring.

I read through his entire ouvre this week and... It got tedious.

I suppose you're not supposed to do that. Read too much of the same voice for too many sittings, so bad on me and you can bump up my rating an extra star if you're a super fan. It's okay, I don't mind. And you're probably correct for doing so.

I mean, he does that with his speaking voice too... All sorts of sidetracked anecdotes, but within the context of a film (and a time limit), it's much easier to digest than pure, unadulterated Kermode.

While I'll still watch those clips culled from his radio show, I will never read a single word he has written ever again. I'm good on that. I'm done.

I should note that whole none of his books are BAD, none are great either. This is his best, as it's a quasi-autobiography that uses movies as a framing device to delve into the personal and professional stories of his early life as a film critic. It's entertaining. Not too deep, not too overwrought. One thumb up. 👍

[Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

I love the framing of this book as a TV Movie of the Week, deliberately confusing memory with the art of editing (“I appear to have a rogue editor running wild in my subconscious, randomly splicing scenes from one film into another with peculiarly anarchic results”). It’s irreverent and witty, with a lot of blagging and endless movie references (with one especially scathing judgement on Mamma Mia). However, with Mark’s description of The Exorcist, his encounter with Linda Blair, and his adventures with Werner Herzog are quite touching. While you could stand to skim the extended Russian misadventure, other sections are perfectly pitched and are laden with home truths and truisms. The best line, and the line which sums up the book, is this:

“I thought I was the next Barry Norman-in-waiting. In fact, I was a mouthy know-nothing upstart. Over the years, very little has changed.”

[Hell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't know why I picked up this book, and The Good, The Bad and the Multiplex, years ago.
I don't really have a clue who Mark Kermode is, so I've clearly never read or listened to anything from him before. I can only suppose that I picked it up out of curiosity and I do like hearing people's opinions on films.
So going in blind was pleasant and I was surprised to find it more of a biography as for some reason that wasn't what I expected, but it was still a good read.
The stories, as I hadn't heard any of them before, were interesting and I certainly enjoyed reading the anecdotes and learning who this man is through his book.
My main gripe would be the formatting with pages and pages of seemingly endless walls of text, whilst entertaining it can look a bit overbearing, especially with how long the chapters tended to be.
But at least the content was enjoyable.

[Saga · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an LTL I had heard most of these stories before, but it was fun to revisit them in this meta way, mixing film-making metaphors with reviews and some light show-biz anecdotes thrown in. Rambly like your favorite boring uncle and self-congratulatory when he tries to be deprecating, but somehow overall this was really kind of a charming read.

Though I will say, if Kermode dined out on his early 90's Ukraine stories for years, I just realized that I have untapped treasure troves of anecdotes to regale soft-bummed Western Europeans with. So what you once spent a few hours in a Lada and took a Russian plane. Pffft.

[Tony Lawrence]

Ok, I wasn't sure about this as I find MK a bit annoying ... but after reading the prologue I think i'll give it a go :) And I know a certain somebody to pass the book on to.

The Guardian reviewer says, 'Very funny', I say, 'Quite funny'. This, as you would expect is a bit like being in Mark Kermode's company for a couple of hours, interesting, sometimes illuminating, but also a bit annoying! Kermode writes a low-brow memoir of his life through films and film reviewing and as well as coming across as opinionated and intense (about films), he also shows his human, vulnerable, and flawed sides. I especially liked the handbagging from 'Queen' Helen Mirren :)

[Steve Parcell · Rating 5 out of 5]

My book of the year so far and will be difficult to beat to be honest.

I must admit I am a little biased towards Mark because he loves The Exorcist as much as I do. But I couldn't put this down and I re-read several bits that made me laugh out loud.

He is my favourite film critic because he isn't afraid to call a film crap if it was! He isn't afraid to upset the elite - Kiera Knightly & Helen Mirren. He tells it as it is.

Mark is funny, perceptive, erudite, interesting and writes a damn good book.

[Russio · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe worth a fourth star, as I sprinted through this, mostly with interest. But the autobiography with films falls prey to things that seem perhaps more important to Mark than they do to the reader, for example forty pages are given to a fruitless Russian segment where he travels uncomfortably and without epiphany. A run-in with Helen Mirren is rendered as embarrassing but does not really communicate that vibe; ditto less-ly his meeting with Werner Herzog.

Perhaps predictably, where he talks about film(s) he is scintillating. Where he talks about showbiz, much less so.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

An enjoyable read. Mark's self-deprecating humour is very readable and there is a great deal of honesty in his writing with how his career as a writer and film reviewer started.
My only real criticism would be for the amount of time focused on specific anecdotes which whilst interesting were overly long. I would have preferred to have read more on his background and love of films - and the career decisions he has taken (and what he has actually done).

[Keith Astbury · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't quite enjoy this as much as his musical memoirs, How Does It Feel, but it's very entertaining all the same, even when it's dealing with his love of Horror, a genre that I'm not into at all (Who wants to be scared? Not me, mate!). The casting of the movie about his life is probably overdone and a bit...you know...but I'm just nitpicking now. If you like Mark's reviews and TV/Radio persona then this is well worth a look x

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I decided to listen to this as audiobook after I became a fan of Kermode and Mayo's "take" and learned of their popularity in the UK. The book is funny and has some great insights into film. It's also informative about film screening, reviewing, and censorship in England. The chapters on travel in the former Soviet Union and the US are not as funny, and probably a bit too long, but still enjoyable.

[Faisal Jadir · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will always enjoy and read anything published by Dr Mark Kermode (which include one-word tweets), and this book is delightfully witty, unashamedly self-deprecating, excruciatingly insightful and overall, quite poignant. It is a self-portrait of a man battling his own insecurities and shortcomings whilst pursuing the art form he's sworn an undying love for. And as usual, hello to Jason Isaacs!

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s alright. Pretty easy read (despite how long it took), kinda forgettable. Some nuggets, like how him and Mayo don’t hang out irl. Herzog plays a significant part (he’ll be dining out on that for the rest of his life). Maybe I wanted more of the real life stuff and less of the anecdotes. There was an extended chapter about troubles in Russia that went on a bit.

[Mancman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t know what to expect, I knew little of Mr Kermode.
There are some genuinely entertaining moments in here, but they are like diamonds in the rough. Small sparkles.
There feels like a lot of padding, with a kernel of potentially a great book.

[Henry Jordan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Always love hanging out with big man Kermode, though I think as a writer the last ten years have really helped him. Comparing this to How Does It Feel? is (in the very nicest way) reassuring proof that we are all, always, improving as writers. Still lovely though, as I said.

[Andrew Wright · Rating 3 out of 5]

Doctor K talking about his life story is somewhat interesting to a degree, especially when he tells a horrifying story about Russia and Ukraine in 1993, but at the end, I’d rather he talk about movies.