I'd like to lock myself in a room with Goodreads for a week. I've read so many great books in the past year and I want to write about them, to spread the good word. So many books, so little time, and I've let that hugeness and those annoying Goodreads's star ratings overwhelm me.
Star ratings are hard. I prefer to discuss a book rather than rate it, but everyone else has to work with those screaming red blots, so I'll have to suck it up and play along. I'm going to take it book by book and I'm going to start with Lindsay Hunter's, Daddy's, which I just finished, having marveled all the while, and which has left me conflicted and troubled.
Lindsay Hunter's stories in this book are rich with language, with stunning images and with precise details. Much to my delight and awe, every story in this collection touched me. Every story offered something, whether it be on the level of language or character or emotion, and usually, spectacularly, all three. These stories are powerful and illuminating. It's hard to describe, but Lindsay Hunter has managed to strip away any and all layers between the reader and the stories. There's a confidence, beauty, brutality, and honesty to this collection that's gripping.
I've talked before about how troubled I felt during my MFA years at Mills College. I couldn't find any joy in reading. Zip. Zero. Nada. I was depressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I had a three-year-old and a newborn and no time for anything outside of mothering, least of all reading. How terrible, as a writer, to find no enjoyment in reading. How wonderful, then, in recent years to refind that love. To enjoy a book so much I don't want to put it down, so much I can't wait to get back to it. In this regard, the other two most recent titles that come to mind, aside from Daddy's, are Paula Bomer's Baby and Other Stories and Alissa Nutting's Unclean Jobs for Women and Girls.
Daddy's opens with "My Brother" and these first three sentences: "My brother tells me monsters set up shop in his closet among his Reeboks and hidden Playboys." Yeah, he says, leaning back and stroking his chin, yeah, you can't see it but something's coming for me. Big whoop, I tell him."
Reading is so personal, isn't it? When I was a girl, my mother believed monsters lurked inside her wardrobe, told me they were coming for her. So you can bet those first lines and that first story got my attention and had deep personal meaning. That said, "My Brother" is perhaps my least favorite story in the collection. In many ways, "My Brother" doesn't go as deep as the other stories, but there was enough in those first pages to hook me, and with each story that followed Lindsay Hunter reeled me right in.
Here's a line from the next story, "Scales," that shows Lindsay Hunter's keen eye and exquisite prose and which is of course even more powerful in context:
"Her spine sticks out and in the bright light of the bathroom little shadows collect under the bones."
So many of these stories are the proof that you can break all the 'rules' you want when you're this gifted a storyteller. From "Love Song" I'd be wary in my own work of using song lyrics to further a story and yet "Love Song" is a heartbreaking read, in the best way. The last page of this story literally took my breath away. I could go on and on about this book. Read this book. Shout about this book.
So why am I conflicted and depressed? There's the perhaps typical anxiety and yearning: How does my story collection compare to this? Can my stories move and affect readers anything close to this? Damn, how'd she get to be so brilliant? But it's much more and I'm not sure how to talk about it.
I don't know anyone in my life that I could hand this book to and say "read this, it's brilliant." I think it's fair to say that everyone I know and love would be shocked and disturbed by this book, and that even if they did enjoy it they'd have a hard time admitting it to the greater community: We can't like that.
When I write, there's a critic on my shoulder: You can't write that. I'm often a frigid, uptight and conservative writer. I have a low threshold for writing about the body, sex, violence, and our baser urges and desires. When I've dared break free of that jail, I've paid a great personal and emotional price.
The "You can't write that" police torment me: What if your daughters' school principal read that? Your parish priest? Your Catholic school community and your neighbors? Your daughters' friends' families? That's disgusting, my inner critic screams. What if these readers are so appalled by what I write it affects my family? One day, my daughters will also become my readers and my stories could potentially have enormous impact on them. These are real and present concerns that exist outside the bubble of our online community.What's good taste? What's vulgar? What's perverse? What's brutal-honest, brutal-beauty and brutal-bad? I'm conflicted. I don't know. I'm shook up.
I wonder if Lindsay Hunter found it an act of courage, an act of faith, to publish some of the more raw and graphic of these stories? "The Fence," for example. I wonder the same of Paula Bomer and Alissa Nutting. Maybe it's my Irish Catholic upbringing, maybe it's that I live in a conservative community, maybe it's fallout from childhood trauma, but there are some places I can't go as a reader or a writer. Hunter, Bomer, and Nutting all took me places in their stories I didn't think I'd ever dare venture and their brilliance kept me there, rewarded me. However, it's a fine balancing act, for them, for me. These stories disturb, but in the best possible ways. Lesser writers might just disturb.
Maybe I'm in the wrong life. Maybe I'm a coward.