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Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex

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SPORTS JERSEY.         
EMBELLISHED.
OVERLY GELLED.          
UNDATEABLE.

 
Did your date show up wearing socks with sandals? Are tighty-whities a deal-breaker for you? Do fanny packs make you want to run for the door? Now, for the very first time, we’re revealing the secret list of things that so many perfectly eligible guys manage to wear, say, or do to make themselves completely undateable. With an essential rating system that ranges from minor red-flag offenses all the way to the irreversible kiss of death, this hilarious handbook exposes the many common mistakes that can turn an otherwise acceptable man from a “maybe” into a “no way.” From pleated shorts and soul patches to ordering girly drinks and owning more than one cat, the evidence is painfully funny to behold. No more double denim, corporate swag , or exclaiming “Booya!” No more jogging in place at stoplights, and definitely no more “going dutch” on the first date. This book is for every woman who’s ever wondered where to draw the line, and every guy who’s ever asked, “What did I do wrong?”

Here’s what you did.

192 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2010

194 people want to read

About the author

Ellen Rakieten

2 books1 follower

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5 stars
37 (18%)
4 stars
39 (19%)
3 stars
61 (29%)
2 stars
47 (23%)
1 star
20 (9%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
Profile Image for Brenna.
199 reviews34 followers
April 27, 2010
Without a doubt, this is one of the cruellest books I've ever come across.

The concept – the pointing out of various personality/wardrobe flaws which render a man “unfit for dating” - sounds tremendously funny at first. In fact, it makes one wonder why such a book has taken so long to reach the shelves.

And then, in implementation, a reader quickly realizes why.

Undateable is filled with full-colour glossies of unfortunate men wearing admittedly more embarrassing hairstyles and/or clothing; a fat man in cycling shorts, a young man in poorly-fitting jeans, an aging man with am obvious comb-over. And as you read, it becomes obvious that some of these people were not aware that they were being photographed, and therefore not properly compensated for having their (partially covered) images humiliated on the national scale.

Most of the perceived transgressions a man can commit before becoming “undateable” (at least, according to the authors) revolve around personal style, or individuality. Wearing denim shorts, for example. Or black jeans (“Jeans are supposed to be blue!” insists the bitchy caption). Certain general colours are verbotten, too.

This book creates the pulpy effect of several immature teenaged girls sitting around a lunchroom table, renouncing anything and everything different than themselves, slamming the rest of the population as being wayyy too uncool for them, all the while denying their own ascent into the aging population. They're so pretty as to mandate a specific fashion palate for the remainder of us ugly people.

Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle establish themselves not as authors of a hip new photography/fashion book, but as a couple of catty ****s. A couple of fucking, fucking ****s!

Jesus Christ. A diatribe against all things “unpopular,” this book deserves nothing more than to be kicked across a room – while in flames. It adds nothing but vitriol and misplaced anger into an already mean-spirited, snarky, hate-filled perfection-media-dominated society.

I feel badly for the poor guys exploited in these pages. I truly do. Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle should go fuck themselves. The world doesn't need this petty, narrow-minded misandry any more than it needed the anti-feminist bigotry that held history at bay not so very long ago.
Profile Image for Linds.
1,145 reviews38 followers
May 17, 2010
This book caught my eye because two weeks ago I went on the worst first date in my life, and I've had some doozies. On the FIRST DATE, he:

1.) offered to read me a poem he had written about 9-11
2.) he hasn't been able to break into the music industry, so now he's trying to focus on his cagefighting (I wish I was making this up.)
3.) he and his Mom have patched up their relationship. She had kicked him out of the house after he broke all her windows in a fit of roid rage.
4.) he can "speak Irish" (I think he meant gaelic? I asked him to say something and he got the deer in the headlights look and changed the subject.)

It's going to be awhile before I give my number out to a stranger in a bar again. He looked so normal, but within five minutes I was hunting for the eject button.

So this book caught my eye. The steroid thing was in there, sure enough. It's mostly a collection of fashion and grooming faux pas, but it has lifestyle choices too. Some of them are just true: Sky blue jeans do make a man look like a sissy.

On the surface this doesn't come off as mean spirited, it's just trying to help and hook up nice guys that are a little clueless and make them "datable".

But if that's true, then why are there photographs of real men in it, not models. No one deserves to be humiliated. Yeah, they have black bars over their eyes but you can tell who they are.

It does have its funny moments though. An example I liked: "Don't own a reptile. All a women will think about is that your hands have been touching rocks with lizard piss on them."
Profile Image for Gus.
107 reviews12 followers
May 12, 2010
Ahh...see I liked this, I thought it was funny...until I started to think about the guys whose photos show up. Did they actually agree to this? Wouldn't it hurt their feelings? I'm a total hypocrite, I laughed my butt off and now I feel bad!
Profile Image for Pepper.
150 reviews
May 2, 2012
Just for kicks. I found this book to be pretty funny, a great bathroom reader. Nice photos, too. It would be fun to read a female version.
Profile Image for Kate.
554 reviews
August 24, 2010
UPDATE: I just discovered something WAY better than this book - the Goodreads reviews for this book. They are so indignant and emotional!! Some dudes who clearly exhibit some of the features described in this book got ahold of it, were horrified to find themselves represented there, and lashed out - i believe one of them thought the book was worthy of "kicking across the room - IN FLAMES!" my my!!

yay!! mean humor, mostly centered around fashion choices!! super snarky! wooo!!!
Profile Image for Kim.
766 reviews
May 24, 2012
SOOOOO FUNNY. A must-read for any man who has ever wondered why he cannot get a date.

Warning: If your man has the undateable problem of gleefully notifying you every time he goes to the bathroom, drops the kids off at the pool, pinches a loaf, etc., you may wish to rip out the page that refers to that. We all know reading it in this book will not stop him from continuing to do it, and the book with only give him MORE euphemisms for squeezing out a steamer.
Profile Image for Melody.
2,668 reviews308 followers
July 9, 2010
Snarky and funny and mean. Reading this book is like being in the bleachers with your junior-high school girlfriends, deconstructing every boy that walks by.

Some of the offenses are, in fact, horribly bad. Others I'm inured to or don't find particularly disgusting. Some are hilarious.

I enjoyed it.
Profile Image for Bree.
540 reviews
April 5, 2012
I didn't agree with everything but I would say 85% of the stuff was definitely a not getting laid offense. How some of these guys do get laid makes no sense to me.
Profile Image for AMDG.
6 reviews4 followers
July 3, 2024
If this was satire, it still wouldn’t be worth reading. It’s written by two judgmental pricks with the mentality of a grammar school bully and it’s so sad to see books like this. If it was written by two misogynistic men ranting about how 80% of women aren’t worthy of dating, trust me when I say there would be a public outrage over it. For instance, as a cat lover, I would only date guys who also like cats. Why on earth would they be undateable to me? It’s so bizarre how out of touch these “writers” are. It’s also unnecessarily cruel and pathetic to use pictures without the persons consent just to mock them. Seriously, do better.
Profile Image for Ashley.
289 reviews
January 4, 2018
So, I agree with some of the things listed in this book (mostly in the say and do section, cheesy ties are the best and there is nothing you can do to change my mind.), however, it was so nit-picky! I know the book was supposed to be somewhat of a goofy-poke-fun sort of thing, but these "tips" and issues with the guys are things that some people dislike and others don't have an issue with. It kinda felt the authors were going out of their way to be hurtful.
Profile Image for Dawnie.
242 reviews5 followers
June 7, 2010
Ok, so first off...this book had a lot of pictures. Sort of reminded me checking out the online walmart site for people you see there at the store. It was pretty darn funny though and I actually noticed A LOT of the guys I know had not only one, not only two, but SEVERAL of the undateable qualities! ::giggle:: Now, that being said, some of these I didn't necessarily seem to think were that bad and would probably make me laugh if I was at the bar with them. But then again....is that not a good sign? I think the book's redeeming quality is that while I might find some of these traits funny in my "guy friends", I can totally see where these ladies are coming from with seeing some of these on the first or second date! That would go straight to emergency phone call from a friend telling me I had an emergency!

My favorites and/or exceptions:
#30- I can forgive the hawaiian shirts as we're parrotheads, but I think its rather amusing that they lumped Tommy Bahama shirts in there too. See picture of Dawn in Banana Republic blazer in KW....just because it's expensive doesn't make it cool!
#36 - Murse. My ex had a murse. While he did have the messenger bag part down (i had fixed that), my youngest still called it his purse. Really, did he need to carry that around with him all the time?!?!? He was so important you know.
#164 - The word Ginormous. Sorry - I love that word!!
#275 - Wine in a Box. Again, sorry. One of my favorites!

Last....see end of book, Mega Douchebag. In my world, this is known as a Toolbag. Douchebags are older and lamer and think they're awesome....see KP's exboyfriend.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Pierre.
122 reviews2 followers
May 21, 2010
This is a very entertaining, well laid out, and excellently written book. The fact that the authors can get such visceral reactions from both male and female readers, judging from the comments on goodreads and amazon, speaks volumes about the efficacy of their writing style.

That said, the ideas contained in this book are ludicrous and laughable, especially since every guy, at some time in his life, has committed one of these supposed "faux pas".

The book gets two stars because it at least doesn't slam going on fishing trips or golf outings, which they call "man-cations". But playing Dungeons and Dragons is not always a warning sign of bad things. Nor is wearing corporate swag. Having facial or body hair is part of being a man. And the "Pregnant Man" comment telling men in their third trimester that its ok to exercise up until their third date? That's just mean. If I made this comment about women, I'd be ostracized from my social circle.

As a public service, let me explain what makes a man or woman undateable: poor hygiene (not bathing, combing hair, or attempting to groom), poor self-control (hitting people, committing crimes, flying into rages at strangers who have done nothing wrong, making racist comments), serious untreated mental illness, lack of intelligence, having conflicting political opinions, having a face or body type that is unattractive, and having a terrible personality. Clothing, weight, and plumber's crack can all be fixed.
Profile Image for Elena.
1,590 reviews
May 10, 2013
2.5*

I don't know why so many people got sooo offended by this silly book. It's obviusly funny and it contains quite a bit of truth! It seems that whoever is THAT offended probably recognized himself or her man/husband in there :D"

Now some of the things were just snobby and over-the-top:
- How can "Going to Medieval Times" be worse than "The blow-job" (or "V") gesture????? Not to mention that Medieval Times is lots of fun - wish my husband would take me :)"

- He is not datable if he "won't valet park, instead looks for a parking spot" > ummmm - just like the rest of the non millionaire world?! Sorry for insulting your snobbish sensibilities, princess!!! I'd kill my husband for wasting money on a valet just because he's too lazy to find his own parking spot!

- "Bad table manners" only gets "storm clouds"?? whereas, "hair club for men" , "going to medieval times" and "being cheap" get the kiss of death?! What kind of priorities do these women have?! Manners are the most important of all these things and they barely get a mention... The other things are completely superficial and if you tell a guy not to do it - he won't > teaching him table manners is a whole other game"
Profile Image for Connie Curtis.
517 reviews6 followers
May 23, 2018
These women who wrote this book have something nasty to say about every man in my life and yours. They nitpick about EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING any poor guy ever likes, wears, says, or thinks.

I can't figure out who passes their muster, because nearly everything you can think of is in this book. For example, they call out the guy who has too much hair on his body, yet they lambast him for waxing. So what would be acceptable, Your Highnesses? And guys that love cats are a no-no in their book. How ridiculous is that? And forget that he likes little dogs - it has to be a big dog if any dog at all.

I hated this book. I dated wonderful guys who had some of these traits. The guy I married may even have a few of them, and I would marry him again in a heartbeat. And let me tell you this: just because someone has traits that you consider unacceptable, there are usually plenty of good ones that make up for the faux pas.

You may want to reconsider your own judgmental attitude, which is seriously ugly.

By the way, my husband does play guitar and does make money from it. Lots of it.
Profile Image for Sarah.
829 reviews12 followers
April 1, 2010
Absolutely hilarious because it's absolutely true. I could not stop laughing - probably because I've either seen or experienced most of what the authors are talking about here. Oh, the denigration of society.

Most of the major offenses are listed here in a small package complete with photographs so you know exactly what the authors are talking about. This way, the reader will not have a doubt as to which men have a chance at redemption and which are beyond hope. My favorite offenses are: the column of color, the Canadian tuxedo, the murse, the fanny pack, text message communication, and all manner of denim fashion (jorts, japris, sky blue, dad, acid wash, etc.).

Although the authors could not possibly list all manner of "What not to be," they overlooked one major one: The Wimp. Maybe when I have a little more time, I will provide that entry for the good of woman-kind everywhere. Men should also take note of this book - you can tease your friends, or clean up your act!
Profile Image for Sarah.
799 reviews36 followers
June 1, 2011
This book was absolutely 100% correct about one thing - NO ONE, man or woman, should ever, EVER use the word "moist". All of the other entries, which tell guys how to dress, talk, and behave in order to conform to a bland but inoffensive masculine stereotype, pale in comparison to that simple truth.

Honestly, if a man were to follow the advice in Undateable, it would probably help him make a decent first impression on the average woman. But after that initial meeting, this book would be completely useless, and let's face it - most women ultimately care a hell of a lot more about what a man's personality is like than whether he wears jorts.

Not terrible for a 20-minute read, but nothing special.
Profile Image for Jackie.
128 reviews3 followers
August 11, 2010
Potentially funny concept, but the entries that imply anyone but a traditionally masculine man taking on traditional gender roles in a relationship is undateable is insulting. Does the book really need to state "You're a *man*," to explain why wearing makeup is a dealbreaker? That wearing sky blue jeans makes a man a "pussy" and wearing a sports jersey is "queer"? A guy desperate to avoid looking "queer" or like a "pussy" is extremely high on my undateable list. Not to mention the fact that the authors can't grasp the fact that a delicate girl can pay for a date or split a check, or may even (gasp!) like Star Trek or video games. Avoid this book!
1 review
July 16, 2011
Though it's a belated reaction, I find myself compelled to note that this book was without a doubt the poorest excuse for reading material I could possibly have had the misfortune to pick up from the local library. The two women who were responsible for this literary debauch seem to have scrounged for three-hundred-and-eleven reasons to hate everything that any man might do, which in itself is ironic and amusing. As far as I can tell, a man abiding by their infinite standards should probably just stop existing. Absolute garbage, and it recieves one star for the fact that any woman with this much to complain about in a man is, in fact, undateable.
Profile Image for Kathy.
3,198 reviews26 followers
June 15, 2010
Funny book of dating offenses for guys. They're broken down into warnings: Red Flag, Storm Cloud, Not Getting Any and Kiss of Death. The sections are What Not to Wear, What Not to Say, What Not to Do and What Not to Be.

Most of the guys I know would be safe from ridicule by the book's standards. The either means the book is overly-critical or that I hang out with some cool guys. I suspect both could be true. ;-)
Profile Image for Rhonda.
299 reviews10 followers
July 12, 2010
Well this was a very funny book about what guys says, wear and do that they shouldn't, that is if they want to date a woman.
I read this book in a matter of two days, it is very entertaining but the funny thing I found about this book, is that the guy I am dating does about at least 10 percent of the things in here that would make him undateable. What does that say about me?
If you want a little entertainment this is just the book for you.
Profile Image for Mari.
1,662 reviews25 followers
June 19, 2010
I can't see many men actually reading this or buying it.* I didn't get much out of it (not even a laugh), but I am sure I know my brother could use some of the advice in this book, just as a hint that he can be a d-bag. My copy of this book is now his birthday present.

*I didn't buy this book.
Profile Image for Garrett Dunnington.
107 reviews47 followers
July 8, 2010
It's hilarious, but I am afraid that we can't possibly consign to two people's opinions about dating. I understand it is supposed to humorous, but it's judgmental and it almost gives the idea that Women are stubborn and preferenced, while men are dubious and asinine. I read this at B&N while standing up. I will not deny that it was pretty funny though.
168 reviews16 followers
July 1, 2014
Read this book as comic relief. I just came off a long run of sad and nonfiction books, and this one made me laugh out loud every couple of pages. It only takes an hour or two to read (depends on how fast you read and how much you laugh) but it's really worth it. Not timeless, but a fun book to read if your book club serves a LOT of wine.
Profile Image for Jasmine.
668 reviews57 followers
July 12, 2010
This is one of those books that happens to be on a resort cart and you think, hmmmm, what would you put in there. Then you open it and you laugh.

Apparently having a cat makes you undatable greg. Poor mooncheese
Profile Image for lee .
61 reviews
September 11, 2010
Very entertaining, but it was stolen from me after I read aloud from it in public. Should have mentioned that some of the undateables were transformed into dateable with a little effort on their part.
Profile Image for Anna.
2,297 reviews18 followers
July 27, 2010
This obnoxioius little book is suprisingly well written, & struck the perfect distraction while stranded in the hospital waiting room. Or, as they say, "just what the dr. ordered." Now, what we need is the "Undateable Chicks" version & we're good to go.
Profile Image for Linda S.
62 reviews
December 4, 2010
Funny, but very mean-spirited in that photos of real men are used. I presume permission was granted in many cases, but probably not all since there are photos with black bars. My favorite portion of the book was the things men should not say. I hate to say I've heard many of them.
Profile Image for Ryan.
41 reviews7 followers
August 21, 2011
I strongly believe this book actually IS useful. I've tried all my life not to be the guys in this book... save for the transition lenses and some other things... hey wait, why am I not getting more dates?
Profile Image for Sandy.
1,290 reviews23 followers
December 2, 2011
For most of the entries it was dead on, but some of them were a little too much. A man can't go shirtless unless he is in the shower, at the beach, or in bed? Why can't he go shirtless in his own home? It started out great but then by the end of the book it just sounded like they were being mean.
Profile Image for Tanya.
1,782 reviews
May 30, 2015
Read this one for a 2015 challenge about a book that will be made into a tv show. I think it works with this one and can see a sitcom being created. Not sure I will watch, but I can imagine the chatter it will generate.
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