If you're like me (and we have no reason to think you aren't), then you're a big fan of everyone's favorite British Indian acid comic, Rogan Gosh. And if you're like me (again, probably), you also can't make it past page 3. SO LET'S TRY IT TOGETHER.
p1 - Rudyard Kipling wanders the opium dens of Cawnpore (Kanpur) in Northern India, full of bad karma after his romantic relationship with an Indian manservant led not only to Kipling being blackmailed, but to his lover's suicide. Kipling now searches for a 'karmanaut' (spiritual healer) named Rogan Gosh, in the hopes that his soul can be cleansed.
Kipling finds the Jadoo Gher, a den nicknamed "The Magic House." After consuming "opiates and subtle potions" and meditating, Kipling reaches a higher plane called the Second Veil of Maya, a "jasmine-scented dream of the future."
p3 - Kipling's "dream" transitions into a modern bedroom and a different narrator -- a young man lying in bed, just waking up. A vision of Kipling is there too, along with Hanuman the Monkey God, and a female entity the narrator recognizes as the Dawn. This modern narrator (we'll call him The Boy) has been awakened by the neighbor's baby crying, but Dawn "lowers her veil" so The Boy can continue dreaming.
p4 - The Boy, in turn, dreams of Jadoo Gher again - but in his modern era, it's now an Indian restaurant called The Star of the East. Currently, a sad Brit named Dean Cripps is attempting to order food from the dapper Raju Dhawan, a man of great potential whose family feels he's wasting his life. Raju thinks in Indian food metaphors, while Dean is too depressed over a recent breakup to know what to order.
p5 - Kipling has found Rogan Gosh, and offers a golden totem in return for Rogan's aid. Rogan, a blue-faced deity, is aging and losing power, but meditates with Kipling only to find that Kipling has changed into Kali the Soma Swami, a malignant force that needed Rogan's karma-cleansing powers to be free of an ancient curse. Kali immediately attempts to kill Rogan, who decides he will escape his fate through reincarnation.
p7 - Just as Dean Cripps orders a rogan gosh mutton plate, Kali rips through the reality of the restaurant and decapitates both Dean and Raju Dhawan. Both men live, and find themselves transported to a Future India, chased by cyborg Karma Kops until they reach Jadoo Gher, now called the House of Dreams. Hanuman the Monkey God invites the men inside.
Raju's skin is now blue, and Hanuman points to the old husk of Rogan Gosh in the corner. Raju is the new Rogan, he explains, and now he must battle Kali the Soma Swami. Dean and Raju try to run, finding confusion and horrors throughout the House of Dreams.
From behind one door Raju hears himself singing in an American accent...
p11 - Raju has become a four-armed cowboy, and Dean his "hoss" (a sacred cow). Raju wonders aloud how it is that he's aware of each new iteration of his personality, and they wander through the Wild West Land of the Dead and into the psychedelic frontier town of Neither-Nor, in order to find the "Injun" that might explain things.
The Injun turns out to be a blue-skinned Kipling in a Native American headdress. He explains that Kali is a soul-scalper and a vampire, and he's currently draining the souls of Raju and Dean. Kipling invites them to suck on his Dream Pipe, and they dream of The Boy...
p13 - The Boy wakes in his room next to his sleeping girlfriend (perhaps this is still Dawn, but she's differently-colored). He dresses, leaves the house and goes to his local comic shop, where he picks up the new issue of Rogan Gosh from Mr. Khan, the elephant-faced proprietor. Saying "they're a bit easier to understand once you've read a few," The Boy opens the newest issue, smelling Indian spices on its pages.
p14 - the original Rogan Gosh hides in The Real World of Lila (the Dreamworld), stuck inside Taj MaHell, palace of Kali. His soul is dying while he waits for Raju to become him. Rogan gets lost in the palaces' Corridors of Uncertainty, and is surrounded by Tantric nymphs who wrap themselves around him, turning him to stone.
As Kali mocks him by speaking through a totem, Rogan grows a lotus flower from his stomach to heal himself. He traps the totem inside the lotus, then changes the flower into a pink flying limousine. Hanuman appears as the driver, and Rogan asks to be driven home.
As they coast over the Vales of Maya, Rogan recalls his heyday, and mourns his fortunes upon realizing that with Raju taking over his mantle, his dreamself is due to be reborn in the past. He thinks on Raju, who screams...
p16 - The Boy and Dawn finish making love in his bedroom while the neighbor's baby screams. As they chat post-coital, statues of Rogan and Kipling look on from the dresser.
p17 - Kipling awakens in the opium den. He muses on guilt and sin, seeming to shout at the reader: "It wasn't a dress rehearsal, fuckheads. It was all you get..." Jadoo Gher, now a pyramid with a man's body, rips Raju and Dean's hearts from their chests.
p18 - Mary Jane, Dean's ex, complains to her mother about watching too much TV. In their small apartment, Jadoo Gher is on television while Jane reads Car Mechanics for Beginners.
p18 - Having lost their hearts, Raju and Dean reappear in Jadoo Gher, now called the House of Smoke. Hanuman suggests they try another door in the Corridor of Uncertainty. The two come out through the closet of The Boy's bedroom, and as "their spark plugs explode, the pistons of their libidos pump ecstatically." They undress and make love, as Raju becomes The Boy and Dean becomes Dawn.
p20 - The Boy wakes up in bed alone, thinking of Mary Jane and Dean and Raju. He dresses in a bra and trenchcoat, writing "I KNOW WHERE BEAUTY LIVES" on his chest in lipstick. He muses on the five miseries: Birth, Death, Old Age, Disease, and Mediocrity. He tells us that Mary Jane left him six months prior for having no feelings.
The Boy walks through his city. He is concerned that not only does he not believe in love, but "no one else really believes it either." He remembers feeling a different kind of love, after his mother died.
When she died, he recalls, he felt "awake." He ceased to be, and became love itself.
p26 - Raju and Dean are themselves again, in some kind of abstract space. Dean is embarrassed for his intimacy with Raju, while Raju is overwhelmed with emotion. Hanuman appears, telling them to meet Rogan at the Ashram of the Absolute. Dean questions Rogan's ridiculous name, and Hanuman insists such names keep deities humble, then says "Actually, that's a lie. There's no such person as Rogan Gosh."
p27 - The Boy sits in his room, confused as to his identity, while Rogan meditates in the Ashram. Both are waiting.
Rogan longs for Raju, and remembers the spiritual masters (Christ, Buddha) that have come before, with the Soma Swami existing in order to keep Man from enlightenment.
p30 - a new first-person narrative voice finds The Boy, naked in his room, licking a version of his own face in the mirror. The other face is painted like one of Kali's totems. The Boy smashes the glass with his face and then contemplates one of the glass shards while the new voice narrates in disgust.
p31 - the voice looks in on Raju and Dean, who've arrived back at the Indian restaurant. Hanuman ushers them inside as Kali chases after them, then explains that the last Hanuman they saw was Kali in disguise. Raju asks what exactly Kali's been cursed with. Hanuman explains that the curse combines having love snatched away, growing old and watching dreams wither, the awareness of death, and dying in misery and ignorance.
Rogan Gosh, still waiting, says "Oh. Is that all."
At Hanuman's instruction, Raju meditates to connect with Rogan. Time is "squashed," and Raju and Dean are transported to the Ashram, and Dean realizes that the journey they've been on has taken centuries, and many of their lifetimes.
Dean and Raju take hands and enter the Ashram, seeing Everything and Nothing.
p36 - The Boy, naked and bleeding from his wrists, gets a call from a distressed Mary Jane. One of her friends, she says, was running a Soma Swami rave and, in the throes of ecstasy, stepped off a roof and was decapitated.
p36 - the heads of Dean, Raju, Dawn, Mary Jane and Injun Kipling call out to Rudyard Kipling as he wakes up once again the Jadoo Gher of his own time. He begins to stand.
p37 - Dean and Kaju rise from the material world as Rogan and Raju become one. The Boy realizes it's his voice that's been looking down with disgust. As Mary chastises him over the phone she becomes a totem of Kali. Rogan raises his Raj Gun, which chants at Kali's totem until it shrinks into nothing.
Rogan/Raju, now a many-headed cowboy, rides off through the desert toward the Jadoo Gher pyramid, leaving Dean to return to his Mary Jane.
p39 - The Boy tells Mary Jane he loves her over the phone, and waits for her response.
p39 - Kipling is attacked by a Sudra as he attempts to leave the House of Smoke. In the ensuing struggle the House is set ablaze, and Kipling escapes as it explodes. As it burns, Kipling comes to the realization that nothing is real.
p40 - the new Rogan is borne toward heaven. Dean returns to the material world and immediately begins to regress from enlightenment.
p41 - Kipling wanders through the Cawnpore marketplace. He sees a mother carrying her dead child and is struck with the idea that only real life brings enlightenment, and "those who live in the House of Smoke...are stunted, blind things, hiding from life."
He resolves to go back to his life and deal with the consequences of his actions, and disappears in the crowd.
p42 - Dean makes it to Mary Jane's house just as his enlightenment disappears. All he's left with is a lotus flower, which he offers to Mary Jane. She smiles and invites him in.
p42 - The Boy lies dying on his floor. He's called the Star of the East, not to order food, but for someone to talk to. He asks, "Is this the way the dream begins...?"
His bedroom disappears, and his hands become Kali's hands. His face is beginning to look like Kali's totem as he finishes, "..Or the way the dream ends?"
From the other end of the phone Hanuman says, "you're going to have to find that one out for yourself."
The Boy's narration concludes, "At least I'm not pretending there's anything but darkness here...darkness and my voice. A voice that's fading...and at the end of this sentence...will cease to be...."
So, yeah. Whatever THAT was.