Making Friends

by Em Griffin

FRIENDS.

They lift our spirits, listen to our complaints, keep us honest, stick with us when times are tough and make even mundane tasks enjoyable. No wonder we want to make friends. No wonder we want to make them count.

Em Griffin has spent his life making friends. In addition, years of study have enabled him to show us what goes into the art of friendship-making.

• What are the many ways we can attract people?
• How do we sometimes turn them away without ever speaking a word?
• Why do we often have such strong opinions about those we barely know?
• How does my own self-concept affect the kinds of people I am drawn to?
• What does it take to make a friendship last?

A book for everyone who is a friend or wants to be one.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

223 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1987

About the author

Em Griffin received his B.A. in political science from the University of Michigan, and his M.A. and Ph.D. in Communication from Northwestern University. He is professor of communication at Wheaton College in Illinois, where he has taught for the past 26 years and has been chosen Teacher of the Year. His research interest centers on the development of close friendships. Dr. Griffin is the author of three applied communication books: The Mind Changers analyzes practical techniques of persuasion; Getting Together offers research-based suggestions for effective group leadership; and Making Friends describes the way that quality interpersonal communication can build close relationships. He also leads workshops on these topics in the Philippines, Singapore, and the United States.

Reviews

[Todd Miller]

This book was written the year the Chicago Bears went to the Superbowl in 1987 and I had just joined the Air Force. I picked it up out of curiosity and the title caught my eye. I’m always attracted to books about relationships; marriage, co-workers, friends, parent-child, any relationship. I’m a strong advocate of the idea that we don’t become successful and healthy on the strength of just one relationship, but on the combination of a few. If your expecting just one person to meet all your needs then you are going to be disappointed. It puts a tremendous amount of pressure on that one person and ultimately that one person will fail you. I use to see this more times than not where a husband expects his wife to meet every single need, and when she falls short the husband is disillusioned. This works the other way also. What does pick up the slack are the friends we have chosen to be close with. Reading this book, although rather old, has some invaluable advice to choosing people who help us to be better people and the necessity of that choosing. Broken up into three main parts; Part one covers knowing yourself, part two covers getting to the know someone else, and part three covers getting to know the “we” or what makes people close.

Part one includes chapters on self concept, an important part of having the confidence to meeting people. If you don’t think we are worthy of friendship then we most likely won’t seek out friendship. If we do have friends then our self concept will determine what kinds of friends we choose. If we don’t think that highly of ourselves then we will seek out people who will fulfill that self concept. Its not a good scenario for either you nor the person whom you have chosen as a friend. The second part of part one looks at motivation. What motivates us to get with three people. Griffin suggest three base motives: The need for achievement, The need for affiliation, and the Need for power. I encourage you to purchase the book to read about these three motivations as they do make sense.

In part two we are looking at understanding others. Chapter titles include, “Perception”, “Listening to Language”, “Nonverbal Communication”, and “Interpersonal Attraction.” Perception is how we people when we first meet them. It plays a big part in how future interactions will play out. My suggestion is never judge by the first meeting. Give it two or three engagements before making a judgement of whether you want to know this person at a deeper level. Listening to language is about learning to the language of the person who may be a potential friend. Remember they are coming into the friendship with a different world view and different dictionary. You may have to spend some time creating a common dictionary to work from and there will probably be some conflict as this dictionary is being written. Expect the conflict, don’t run away, and hopefully you will have gained an important ally in life. Nonverbal Communication is just as it sounds. The body language that we have and the potential friend has will convey a lot of information. Learn to recognize what the potential facial expressions and movements are saying. You may get it wrong on occasion, but keep working at it. Interpersonal attraction chapter deals with why people like each other. There is some science behind this and might as well spend some time looking at it.

Its the third part that is important because this is the part that looks at the relationship itself and what creates a strong bond between friends. Three concepts make up this last section; trust and transparency, accountability and forgiveness, the friendship mandate or communication = content + relationship. Trust and transparency go hand in hand. One does not exist without the other. Transparency is a scary proposition, but trust will not come until each person is willing to let their guard down and be seen as a real person. This doesn’t happen overnight and shouldn’t happen in a week or a month. It takes time, a good bit of time. As transparency becomes the theme of a friendship then trust will be the natural outcome. This transparency should be a two way street if there is to be a bond built between two people. Just remember transparency begets trust. Once that trust is cemented, protect it with everything you have. Once trust is lost its very difficult to earn it back and will take more than a few months. This idea of lost trust leads us into the section about accountability and forgiveness. There is a certain level reached in a friendship that brings the concept of accountability with it. This accountability comes after friends have invested enough time in the relationship to become comfortable to speak truth to one another. This truth can be admonishment as well as encouragement. Accountability helps to ensure that neither you or your friend make a decision or commit some act that will have negative consequences in life. If something does happen then we should be willing to forgive a friend. Forgiveness goes against the natural desire of our minds and hearts when a friend does something that brings hurt into our life. It’s not easy to forgive and the more egregious the act committed by the friend the more difficult it is to forgive. Lastly friendship is more than an optional choice, but is a mandate. As individuals we should not try to live life in solitary and there is a mountain of evidence of the negative effects of trying to live the solitary life. It is those close friends that we have taken the time to know and allowed them to know us who will take us through life, sometimes they will help to carry us through life. It’s reciprocal though, they will help to carry us through life at times, when we need it the most.

[Afton Rorvik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written in 1987 by a beloved Wheaton College professor, this book looks at friendship through the lens of communication theory. Griffin's engaging voice and use of personal stories make the concepts practical. What a surprise to discover pithy, hilarious cartoons thoughout the book!
Griffin writes, "I wanted to write a keen account of what goes on in face-to-face interaction. A clear understanding of the dynamics in one-on-one relationships can make our interpersonal communication more effective. But I'm not content with detached analysis. I believe that God gave us the gift of communication so we could get close to others. I'm for the home team. You'll find that the further you read in the book, the more my bias toward close friendship leaks out."

[Blaise Batson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had to read for class, definitely not bad. Made me reexamine some relationships in my life.

[JaTori · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book only because it was a requirement for communications class but I have to say Inreally enjoyed it. the author used comedy and analogies to help you relate to the reading and keep your attention. If you are looking to re-evaluate the people in your life, this is a good book to read.

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well written book by someone who studies and teaching communications. Good use of humor to illustrate points (how could a book that makes liberal use of cartoons from the New Yorker be bad?). It is clear that much of this book is well grounded in academic research rather just one persons opinion. Would have been nice to have footnotes to the underlying research.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had to read for my coms 101 class. Interesting read, but more focused on overall communication than friendship itself. Probably wouldn't have picked it up without needing it for class, but it was pretty good.

[Angela Watkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

Valuable information, thank you to the one who loaned me the book. I know it will be beneficial in my life.