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The Every Man
Every Man's Marriage: An Every Man's Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman
What every man wishes he knew about what his wife desires most.
Authors Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker believe that every man can meet the secret desires of his wife. The problem is, most of us aren't exactly sure what that desire is and how we can go about fulfilling it faithfully.
In Every Man's Marriage , you can discover the common misconceptions about what it means to exercise biblical authority and understand the role of submission in the marriage relationship. This groundbreaking book can help men grasp and apply essential but often overlooked principles for marital leadership.
Through candid reflections on their own struggles to achieve biblical unity in their own marriages, along with many years of combined experience in marital counseling, Arterburn and Stoeker apply solid, time-tested biblical wisdom to the everyday potential distortions that can lead to strife in a marriage.
The second book in the "Every Man" series, this is the perfect follow-up to the best-selling Every Man's Battle . Every Man's Marriage is a terrific resource for establishing mutual respect and sacrifice in your marriage based on Christ's example of loving His bride, the church.
Includes a comprehensive workbook for individual or group study.
Authors Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker believe that every man can meet the secret desires of his wife. The problem is, most of us aren't exactly sure what that desire is and how we can go about fulfilling it faithfully.
In Every Man's Marriage , you can discover the common misconceptions about what it means to exercise biblical authority and understand the role of submission in the marriage relationship. This groundbreaking book can help men grasp and apply essential but often overlooked principles for marital leadership.
Through candid reflections on their own struggles to achieve biblical unity in their own marriages, along with many years of combined experience in marital counseling, Arterburn and Stoeker apply solid, time-tested biblical wisdom to the everyday potential distortions that can lead to strife in a marriage.
The second book in the "Every Man" series, this is the perfect follow-up to the best-selling Every Man's Battle . Every Man's Marriage is a terrific resource for establishing mutual respect and sacrifice in your marriage based on Christ's example of loving His bride, the church.
Includes a comprehensive workbook for individual or group study.
384 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2001
108 people are currently reading
611 people want to read
About the author
Stephen F. Arterburn
257 books154 followersStephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries—the nation's largest faith-based broadcast, counseling, and treatment ministry—and is the host of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! daily radio program aired on over 180 radio stations nationwide, Sirius XM radio, and on television. Steve is also the founder of the Women of Faith conferences, attended by over 4 million women, and of HisMatchforMe.com.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
Steve is a nationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, the New York Times, USA Today, and US News & World Report.
In August 2000, Steve was inducted into the National Speakers Association's Hall of Fame. A bestselling author, Steve has written more than one hundred books, including the popular Every Man's series and his most recent book, Healing Is a Choice. He is a Gold Medallion–winning author and has been nominated for numerous other writing awards.
Steve has degrees from Baylor University and the University of North Texas as well as two honorary doctorate degrees. Steve is a teaching pastor at Northview Church in suburban Indianapolis and resides with his family in Indiana.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 49 reviews
July 18, 2010
One of the best books on marriage I have ever read. Loved it.
The authors describe how many men believe their role in marriage is to be the Chief Tiebreaker, meaning that they make the final call. The authors argue instead that the primary role for the husband is to be the Chief Servant. The reason for this is that it creates oneness. What women want in marriage is oneness. This means husbands must focus not on being right, but on being righteous. We are righteous when we love our wives as Christ loved the church.
"Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin."
"A great marriage requires mutual submission."
"What is every woman's desire in marriage? Oneness."
"84% of women feel that they don't have oneness in their marriages."
"You can settle for mediocrity or you can pay the price for something great."
"Thin of it this way. Your wife is the daughter of God which means you are His Son-in-law. How are you treating his daughter?"
Great question to ask singles or engaged couples: "What do you hope to get out of marriage that you can't get out of single life?"
The authors describe how many men believe their role in marriage is to be the Chief Tiebreaker, meaning that they make the final call. The authors argue instead that the primary role for the husband is to be the Chief Servant. The reason for this is that it creates oneness. What women want in marriage is oneness. This means husbands must focus not on being right, but on being righteous. We are righteous when we love our wives as Christ loved the church.
"Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin."
"A great marriage requires mutual submission."
"What is every woman's desire in marriage? Oneness."
"84% of women feel that they don't have oneness in their marriages."
"You can settle for mediocrity or you can pay the price for something great."
"Thin of it this way. Your wife is the daughter of God which means you are His Son-in-law. How are you treating his daughter?"
Great question to ask singles or engaged couples: "What do you hope to get out of marriage that you can't get out of single life?"
January 3, 2016
The best book on marriage you will ever read. Don't spend years confused about your wife and her way of thinking. Read this book now and save yourself years of pain and frustration. I would HIGHLY recommend this to anyone who has felt like you married the wrong person, or that you just cannot understand your spouse any longer. It has changed my whole way of thinking for the better.
December 24, 2010
I wish I could give this zero stars. A view of Christian marriage warped by experiencing a damaged marriage. He makes a few good points, but spends the rest of the time being wrong. If you don't need to fix a marriage that you (the husband) completely screwed up, then don't waste your time on this.
September 26, 2013
This book was incredibly hard to read. God dealt with me greatly.
May 29, 2015
This book was terrible. The authors acknowledge a man's role as leader of the home and then proceed to describe all of the ways in which we are supremely unqualified for the role. God is not schizophrenic! If He called us to the role, He also equipped us for the role. The problem isn't our fundamental makeup but rather a terribly misapplication of the leadership role.
The authors expound on all of the ways they have historically misunderstood their roles as leaders on the home and basically wrote a book to say don't do those things.
The title of this book really should have been, "Some dude's marriage." By no means does this describe every man's marriage. If you don't view leadership as always being able to win any debate, then this book will be of no use to you.
The authors expound on all of the ways they have historically misunderstood their roles as leaders on the home and basically wrote a book to say don't do those things.
The title of this book really should have been, "Some dude's marriage." By no means does this describe every man's marriage. If you don't view leadership as always being able to win any debate, then this book will be of no use to you.
September 23, 2014
It had it's moments but this book could have been half as big because of how repetitive it became. There were definitely good moments that led to discussion however unfortunately the main message pulled from this ended up being 'Don't screw up your marraige as bad as the author did'. If anything it made my small group of men look at each other and say, by comparison we are doing pretty well. Nothing novel in this book.
January 16, 2016
I can't say enought about this book. It literally saved my marriage. When my wife told me she was leaving, my whole workd crumbled around me. I found this book by Googleing 'Marriage Help' and downloaded it right away. As I read Fred's story, I saw that it was the same as my story. I immeadiatly put the advice in action and my wonderful wife changed her mind. That was a few years ago, and our marriage is still thriving today.
I just re-read the book, as I plan to do every couple of years, just as a reminder of how a godly husband should be. The best marriage book on the market (and I think I've now read about all of 'em!)
I just re-read the book, as I plan to do every couple of years, just as a reminder of how a godly husband should be. The best marriage book on the market (and I think I've now read about all of 'em!)
June 12, 2024
My husband asked me to read this with him. While there were parts I disagreed with or didn’t care for, I appreciated the big picture. Great conversation starter for couples and a great practical motivator to be better husbands and wives.
August 3, 2021
Note: Double quotations, all caps, underlining, anything in asterisks or brackets, are mine. I’ve also paraphrased some parts but added quotation marks to passages that seem like made-up nonsense but are in fact verbatim from this book. Also, I listened to the audiobook and so transcriptions are mine.
The premise of this book is, “Hey dudes, stop excusing being dicks to your wives by incorrectly interpreting scripture.” Which I can get behind, because excusing being a misogynist because of the bible is too prevalent in our world. The book advises that in mens’ marriages and their sex lives, men will essentially get more if they’re not dicks. As in, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Also, don’t rape your wives--you could totally justify raping them through interpreting scripture, but we look down on that. Such revelations are truly mind-blowing stuff. *sarcasm*
The other major takeaway is that the author is a truly amazing guy for being one of the FEW CHRISTIAN MEN who lives in mutual submission with his wife. *vomit*
Proverbs chapter 4 verses 23-26. "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth, keep corrupt talk from your lips, let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm." When it comes to women, that's something all men should ponder seriously along with this sentence. Job chapter 31 verse 1: I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. This is the whole premise of the book to get men through sexual temptation. Making a covenant with their eyes. *eye roll*
Author: “You must allow your wife to define sin for you.”
Cis het white dudes: “Wait a minute?! I'm the husband and spiritual leader, shouldn't I decide what's right and wrong for our household??”
Author: Yes... but your wife has a say as well. Most guys tend to overlook this but according to the bible, your relationship with your wife is at least as important as your leadership position in defining sin--maybe more so.
“Halloween is a high holiday for Satanists.” LOL. Such matters [whether to celebrate Halloween] should be guided by conscience, and when consciences guide, personal convictions can and will create impasses between believers, including husbands and wives. These differences need not break your marital unity as long as you resolve your impasses lovingly.
Paul, a brilliant apostle, pointed us to a more loving and sacrificial path. Romans chapter 14 verses 13-15, 19-21. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the lord jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean of itself, but if your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification... It is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble."
Case scenario: guy who ogles women and the wife who can’t stand it. Because Sally hates his ogling behavior, that makes it a huge problem. His wandering eye breaks oneness with her, and oneness is god's primary design for marriage.
Common phrase throughout book: "Submit to oneness."
Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin. It weakens god's purpose for marriage.
Case scenario. Richard: the horrible french kisser. The wife says she doesn't want to french kiss her husband because it's a "sin" which we women all know is code for "Dick is a horrible kisser." Common, incorrect interpretation of 1st corinthians chapter 7 verse 4: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but to her husband [vomit], in the same way the husband's body does not belong to him alone but to his wife." Paul, Roman's chapter 14 verse 16-18: Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of god is not a matter of eating and drinking [or french kissing] but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the holy spirit, for anyone who serves christ in this way is pleasing to god and approved by men." Paul understood that forcing the weak to admit to the strong may foster peace on the outside, but that's as far as it goes. It will never spawn peace, joy, righteousness.
If Dick’s wife ends the impasse by yielding to his authoritative demands for [subpar] french kissing, he'll have peace on the surface, but there will be little joy in the bedroom. His wife will only be nauseated and seethe deeply in her soul [no shit, Sherlock]. In the future, she's more likely to avoid sex at every possible turn, going to bed early to avoid what has become for her a demeaning, joyless act. But what if Richard submits and gently honors his wife by giving up the french kissing? He merely loses one aspect of his sex life. His wife, though, gains so much respect for his leadership that she doubles her commitment to fully give her body, mind, and spirit in the other areas of the marriage bed. MAJOR TAKEAWAY: GIVE UP FRENCH KISSING AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET ENTHUSIASTIC ORAL.
Smart husbands always ask: would I rather be right or righteous. Do not destroy the work of god for the sake of ... french kissing, or any such thing. Give in at impasses for the sake of god and for the sake of oneness. Male submission honors your wife's gifts, insights, and convictions and keeps you from sinning against her, trampling her to the core of her soul. It's your half of the lord's call to mutual submission in marriage (Ephesians 5:21) and your only path to oneness.
Here's what christian women have to say about their christian marriages.
* 84% of christian women feel they don't have intimacy (oneness) in their marriages
* 83% feel their husband don't even know the BASIC NEEDS OF A WOMAN FOR INTIMACY (oneness) or how to provide intimacy to them
* A large majority of female divorcees say that their married years to a christian men were the loneliest years of their lives
HoW cAn tHiS bE? Our wives had such dreams of oneness and intimacy. God has called us to love our wives as ourselves and to lay down our lives that we might be one with them. NICE JOB GUYS YOU SUCK.
What is it about men? Why don't we love our wives? Why do we have such hard hearts? For starters, we're male. We men are just different from women--and there are some qualities about us and how we relate to women and marriage that we need to understand and confront. We aren't by nature worse than women. but as you read the following list of ten traits that males typically bring into a marriage, you'll see how they can render us eminently unqualified to love like christ. [get ready for typical stereotypes of men and women]
1. men are rebellious by nature
2. the male ego is bigger but more fragile that the female ego
3. men are less sensitive to the needs of others
4. men are less able to express emotions and feelings verbally
5. the male brain is more oriented to facts and logic than to emotions and intuitions
6. men are sexually stimulated visually
7. before marriage, males take responsibility for nurturing the love relationship
8. men need less romance than women
9. the male shield from inferiority is his work, the wife shield from inferiority is her husband
10. men desire peace from marriage while women desire oneness
God “sent” the author this diagram and conveyed to the author 4 principles for him to follow to honor his wife's conviction and sexual essence:
Area A: sexual practices the wife is comfortable with
Area B: sexual practices the wife views as sin
Area C: sexual practices the husband is comfortable with
WHERE IS AREA D SEXUAL PRACTICES THE HUSBAND VIEWS AS SIN/ISN'T COMFORTABLE WITH???
1. Husbands should never force things outside of areas A and B. *Gee, what gentlemen these good christian men are.*
Case study: Poor old Pastor Jim's wife won't go down on him. Oral sex is a stumbling block between Jim and Callie. To paraphrase romans chaper 14 verses 15-21, if your wife is distressed by oral sex, you're no longer acting in love when you push it. Don't destroy the work of god (oneness in your marriage) for the sake of oral sex. Oral sex is clean, but it has become sin for you if it causes your wife to stumble in oneness with you. “It's better to never have oral sex again than to break oneness in your marriage.” *What’s sad is that it’s a christian upbringing in general that is teaching women not to enjoy oral sex.*
2. In submission to oneness, the husband must sacrifice what is outside of A, but inside C.
Husbands must adjust their sexual borders to align with their wives borders, then together they search out and enjoy every corner within her comfort zone. Christ calls us to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. Romans chapter 14, verse 19. Surely a husband should be willing to adjust his sexual behavior for the sake of his wife. Romans chapter 14, verses 16-18 again.
HoW cAn CuTtinG BaCk oN VaRiEtY ImPrOvE mY SeXuAl FuLFiLLmEnT!?!
When you drop back within her borders, you're taking your trampling feet off her sexual essence. The boost in your emotional and spiritual communion more than makes up for the physical loss. It's not the acts that matter but the emotion and spirit behind them. I call this the paradox of obedience. We often think that obedience shuts down all fun, but the opposite happens. [The POO] is clear in christ's sermon on the mount, matthew chapter 5 verses 5 and 7. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. For those who obey, the POO pours blessings throughout their lives. Total sexual freedom is a no-no; loving restraints and borders are important because when we cross the borders, we break sexual oneness. Example, if Pastor Jim forces his wife to have oral sex, this will have negative consequences. NO SHIT, PASTOR JIM. It’ll be okay though, cuz people get very good at whatever they practice a lot. LIKE HAND JOBS. LOOK FORWARD TO A LIFETIME OF STELLAR HAND JOBS, PASTOR JIM.
3. Over time, the wife should feel a responsibility to expand her sexual borders to where she can feel comfortable, but there's no hurry, and if her borders never expand, that's okay too. Her sexual essence sets the terms.
Author illustrates this with his marriage and says that god specifically sent him his wife who doesn't ever go out of her borders to make up for his sexual sin in his past. "God picked Brenda for me precisely [because god knew] of my sexual past, I had a warped view of sex. Maybe he knew that the discipline of falling back within her TIGHT BORDERS were what I needed to learn the blessings of sacrificial love. Maybe he knew this would free me from my selfish sexuality."
4. The area labeled B is off-limits to the husband and must never be brought up again. “Fellas you can live without oral sex.”
This is from the wife’s perspective, which again shows how the basis of these issues lies in the shortcomings of a christian upbringing.
While women draw intimacy from their mates primarily through sharing, hugging, and talking, I’ve learned that men draw intimacy from the sex acts themselves. NONSENSE. Women aren’t as concerned about sex as they are about the hugs???????
Early in my marriage, I was shocked by male sexuality, especially by its visual orientation and its regularity. Male sexuality seemed shallow and weird to me but I started to wonder about that. I discovered that it really isn’t shallow; it’s just different, and given the obvious struggle men have with sexual purity when they’re without sex, I began to understand WHY GOD WOULD TELL ME YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR OWN. I can see where at times it is vital to his purity and his emotional intimacy with me and I can really help him out. And in fact, GOD EXPECTS ME TO DO IT. While we’re quick to expect our husband to toe god’s line of sexual purity, we’re slow to toe his other line and ADMIT THAT OUR BODIES ARE NOT OUR OWN. We have no right to expect our husbands to stay sexually pure if we constantly pull away. We’re his sole vessel for sexual satisfaction and guys need regular sexual fulfillment 2-3 TIMES A WEEK… Can’t we do the same [husbands who play video games with their kids but do so reluctantly cuz they get their asses handed to them] for our husband when we’re not in the mood? Besides, moods are a funny thing, moods change quickly! I’ve found that when I SUBMIT AND GO ALONG WITH THINGS FOR HIS SAKE, more often than not, all the touching and caressing changes my mood and soon I’m enjoying things as much as he is. My natural drive is just plain weaker than his [fucking stereotypical bullshit].
Conclusion i.e. the only thing that I agree with in this book:
Frequently misinterpreted: Ephesians 5 chapter 23. For the husband is head of the wife as christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. The misunderstanding arises not from the translation of the word, but from the differing definitions of the word head in our two cultures. Modern culture, head = brain. It wasn’t natural for the ephesians to think in those terms because “head” was considered the source of life of the body. In that culture, the definition of “caphale [spelling? I am totally barbecuing this word] was more accurately defined as the source of life. When Paul uses this word in relation to a husband’s headship, he’s not saying that the husband is supposed to be the governing center over his wife, but that he’s meant to be a physical, spiritual, and emotional source of his life to his spouse just as jesus is to the church.
Some other choice gems:
* But in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, AND A BEAUTY TO RESCUE.
* "Our maleness can blind us to the finer aspects of our wife's essence, so we trample them regularly. If you fantasize about a buxom actress from Baywatch while having sex with your wife, that's adultery. WTF.
* Soon, I had the almighty’s charter to conquer and the MANTLE OF MANHOOD wrapped tightly around my shoulders because ONE OF GOD’S CHOICE DAUGHTERS NEEDED TO BE SAVED AND BLESSED FROM MUTUAL SUBMISSION.
* When you don’t want to have sex, if you care about your husband, just give him a quickie.
* "Souped-up, sexually charged male engines."
* "Romance lies at the heart of the female essence."
* Study your wife's sexual essence.
* Oh and add a bunch of nonsense about how the only type of women men are attracted to are playboy centerfolds and Baywatch actresses.
The premise of this book is, “Hey dudes, stop excusing being dicks to your wives by incorrectly interpreting scripture.” Which I can get behind, because excusing being a misogynist because of the bible is too prevalent in our world. The book advises that in mens’ marriages and their sex lives, men will essentially get more if they’re not dicks. As in, you’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Also, don’t rape your wives--you could totally justify raping them through interpreting scripture, but we look down on that. Such revelations are truly mind-blowing stuff. *sarcasm*
The other major takeaway is that the author is a truly amazing guy for being one of the FEW CHRISTIAN MEN who lives in mutual submission with his wife. *vomit*
Proverbs chapter 4 verses 23-26. "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth, keep corrupt talk from your lips, let your eyes look straight ahead. Fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm." When it comes to women, that's something all men should ponder seriously along with this sentence. Job chapter 31 verse 1: I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. This is the whole premise of the book to get men through sexual temptation. Making a covenant with their eyes. *eye roll*
Author: “You must allow your wife to define sin for you.”
Cis het white dudes: “Wait a minute?! I'm the husband and spiritual leader, shouldn't I decide what's right and wrong for our household??”
Author: Yes... but your wife has a say as well. Most guys tend to overlook this but according to the bible, your relationship with your wife is at least as important as your leadership position in defining sin--maybe more so.
“Halloween is a high holiday for Satanists.” LOL. Such matters [whether to celebrate Halloween] should be guided by conscience, and when consciences guide, personal convictions can and will create impasses between believers, including husbands and wives. These differences need not break your marital unity as long as you resolve your impasses lovingly.
Paul, a brilliant apostle, pointed us to a more loving and sacrificial path. Romans chapter 14 verses 13-15, 19-21. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the lord jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean of itself, but if your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification... It is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble."
Case scenario: guy who ogles women and the wife who can’t stand it. Because Sally hates his ogling behavior, that makes it a huge problem. His wandering eye breaks oneness with her, and oneness is god's primary design for marriage.
Common phrase throughout book: "Submit to oneness."
Any stumbling block we place in the way of oneness with our wives is sin. It weakens god's purpose for marriage.
Case scenario. Richard: the horrible french kisser. The wife says she doesn't want to french kiss her husband because it's a "sin" which we women all know is code for "Dick is a horrible kisser." Common, incorrect interpretation of 1st corinthians chapter 7 verse 4: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but to her husband [vomit], in the same way the husband's body does not belong to him alone but to his wife." Paul, Roman's chapter 14 verse 16-18: Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of god is not a matter of eating and drinking [or french kissing] but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the holy spirit, for anyone who serves christ in this way is pleasing to god and approved by men." Paul understood that forcing the weak to admit to the strong may foster peace on the outside, but that's as far as it goes. It will never spawn peace, joy, righteousness.
If Dick’s wife ends the impasse by yielding to his authoritative demands for [subpar] french kissing, he'll have peace on the surface, but there will be little joy in the bedroom. His wife will only be nauseated and seethe deeply in her soul [no shit, Sherlock]. In the future, she's more likely to avoid sex at every possible turn, going to bed early to avoid what has become for her a demeaning, joyless act. But what if Richard submits and gently honors his wife by giving up the french kissing? He merely loses one aspect of his sex life. His wife, though, gains so much respect for his leadership that she doubles her commitment to fully give her body, mind, and spirit in the other areas of the marriage bed. MAJOR TAKEAWAY: GIVE UP FRENCH KISSING AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET ENTHUSIASTIC ORAL.
Smart husbands always ask: would I rather be right or righteous. Do not destroy the work of god for the sake of ... french kissing, or any such thing. Give in at impasses for the sake of god and for the sake of oneness. Male submission honors your wife's gifts, insights, and convictions and keeps you from sinning against her, trampling her to the core of her soul. It's your half of the lord's call to mutual submission in marriage (Ephesians 5:21) and your only path to oneness.
Here's what christian women have to say about their christian marriages.
* 84% of christian women feel they don't have intimacy (oneness) in their marriages
* 83% feel their husband don't even know the BASIC NEEDS OF A WOMAN FOR INTIMACY (oneness) or how to provide intimacy to them
* A large majority of female divorcees say that their married years to a christian men were the loneliest years of their lives
HoW cAn tHiS bE? Our wives had such dreams of oneness and intimacy. God has called us to love our wives as ourselves and to lay down our lives that we might be one with them. NICE JOB GUYS YOU SUCK.
What is it about men? Why don't we love our wives? Why do we have such hard hearts? For starters, we're male. We men are just different from women--and there are some qualities about us and how we relate to women and marriage that we need to understand and confront. We aren't by nature worse than women. but as you read the following list of ten traits that males typically bring into a marriage, you'll see how they can render us eminently unqualified to love like christ. [get ready for typical stereotypes of men and women]
1. men are rebellious by nature
2. the male ego is bigger but more fragile that the female ego
3. men are less sensitive to the needs of others
4. men are less able to express emotions and feelings verbally
5. the male brain is more oriented to facts and logic than to emotions and intuitions
6. men are sexually stimulated visually
7. before marriage, males take responsibility for nurturing the love relationship
8. men need less romance than women
9. the male shield from inferiority is his work, the wife shield from inferiority is her husband
10. men desire peace from marriage while women desire oneness
God “sent” the author this diagram and conveyed to the author 4 principles for him to follow to honor his wife's conviction and sexual essence:
Area A: sexual practices the wife is comfortable with
Area B: sexual practices the wife views as sin
Area C: sexual practices the husband is comfortable with
WHERE IS AREA D SEXUAL PRACTICES THE HUSBAND VIEWS AS SIN/ISN'T COMFORTABLE WITH???
1. Husbands should never force things outside of areas A and B. *Gee, what gentlemen these good christian men are.*
Case study: Poor old Pastor Jim's wife won't go down on him. Oral sex is a stumbling block between Jim and Callie. To paraphrase romans chaper 14 verses 15-21, if your wife is distressed by oral sex, you're no longer acting in love when you push it. Don't destroy the work of god (oneness in your marriage) for the sake of oral sex. Oral sex is clean, but it has become sin for you if it causes your wife to stumble in oneness with you. “It's better to never have oral sex again than to break oneness in your marriage.” *What’s sad is that it’s a christian upbringing in general that is teaching women not to enjoy oral sex.*
2. In submission to oneness, the husband must sacrifice what is outside of A, but inside C.
Husbands must adjust their sexual borders to align with their wives borders, then together they search out and enjoy every corner within her comfort zone. Christ calls us to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. Romans chapter 14, verse 19. Surely a husband should be willing to adjust his sexual behavior for the sake of his wife. Romans chapter 14, verses 16-18 again.
HoW cAn CuTtinG BaCk oN VaRiEtY ImPrOvE mY SeXuAl FuLFiLLmEnT!?!
When you drop back within her borders, you're taking your trampling feet off her sexual essence. The boost in your emotional and spiritual communion more than makes up for the physical loss. It's not the acts that matter but the emotion and spirit behind them. I call this the paradox of obedience. We often think that obedience shuts down all fun, but the opposite happens. [The POO] is clear in christ's sermon on the mount, matthew chapter 5 verses 5 and 7. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. For those who obey, the POO pours blessings throughout their lives. Total sexual freedom is a no-no; loving restraints and borders are important because when we cross the borders, we break sexual oneness. Example, if Pastor Jim forces his wife to have oral sex, this will have negative consequences. NO SHIT, PASTOR JIM. It’ll be okay though, cuz people get very good at whatever they practice a lot. LIKE HAND JOBS. LOOK FORWARD TO A LIFETIME OF STELLAR HAND JOBS, PASTOR JIM.
3. Over time, the wife should feel a responsibility to expand her sexual borders to where she can feel comfortable, but there's no hurry, and if her borders never expand, that's okay too. Her sexual essence sets the terms.
Author illustrates this with his marriage and says that god specifically sent him his wife who doesn't ever go out of her borders to make up for his sexual sin in his past. "God picked Brenda for me precisely [because god knew] of my sexual past, I had a warped view of sex. Maybe he knew that the discipline of falling back within her TIGHT BORDERS were what I needed to learn the blessings of sacrificial love. Maybe he knew this would free me from my selfish sexuality."
4. The area labeled B is off-limits to the husband and must never be brought up again. “Fellas you can live without oral sex.”
This is from the wife’s perspective, which again shows how the basis of these issues lies in the shortcomings of a christian upbringing.
While women draw intimacy from their mates primarily through sharing, hugging, and talking, I’ve learned that men draw intimacy from the sex acts themselves. NONSENSE. Women aren’t as concerned about sex as they are about the hugs???????
Early in my marriage, I was shocked by male sexuality, especially by its visual orientation and its regularity. Male sexuality seemed shallow and weird to me but I started to wonder about that. I discovered that it really isn’t shallow; it’s just different, and given the obvious struggle men have with sexual purity when they’re without sex, I began to understand WHY GOD WOULD TELL ME YOUR BODY IS NOT YOUR OWN. I can see where at times it is vital to his purity and his emotional intimacy with me and I can really help him out. And in fact, GOD EXPECTS ME TO DO IT. While we’re quick to expect our husband to toe god’s line of sexual purity, we’re slow to toe his other line and ADMIT THAT OUR BODIES ARE NOT OUR OWN. We have no right to expect our husbands to stay sexually pure if we constantly pull away. We’re his sole vessel for sexual satisfaction and guys need regular sexual fulfillment 2-3 TIMES A WEEK… Can’t we do the same [husbands who play video games with their kids but do so reluctantly cuz they get their asses handed to them] for our husband when we’re not in the mood? Besides, moods are a funny thing, moods change quickly! I’ve found that when I SUBMIT AND GO ALONG WITH THINGS FOR HIS SAKE, more often than not, all the touching and caressing changes my mood and soon I’m enjoying things as much as he is. My natural drive is just plain weaker than his [fucking stereotypical bullshit].
Conclusion i.e. the only thing that I agree with in this book:
Frequently misinterpreted: Ephesians 5 chapter 23. For the husband is head of the wife as christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. The misunderstanding arises not from the translation of the word, but from the differing definitions of the word head in our two cultures. Modern culture, head = brain. It wasn’t natural for the ephesians to think in those terms because “head” was considered the source of life of the body. In that culture, the definition of “caphale [spelling? I am totally barbecuing this word] was more accurately defined as the source of life. When Paul uses this word in relation to a husband’s headship, he’s not saying that the husband is supposed to be the governing center over his wife, but that he’s meant to be a physical, spiritual, and emotional source of his life to his spouse just as jesus is to the church.
Some other choice gems:
* But in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, AND A BEAUTY TO RESCUE.
* "Our maleness can blind us to the finer aspects of our wife's essence, so we trample them regularly. If you fantasize about a buxom actress from Baywatch while having sex with your wife, that's adultery. WTF.
* Soon, I had the almighty’s charter to conquer and the MANTLE OF MANHOOD wrapped tightly around my shoulders because ONE OF GOD’S CHOICE DAUGHTERS NEEDED TO BE SAVED AND BLESSED FROM MUTUAL SUBMISSION.
* When you don’t want to have sex, if you care about your husband, just give him a quickie.
* "Souped-up, sexually charged male engines."
* "Romance lies at the heart of the female essence."
* Study your wife's sexual essence.
* Oh and add a bunch of nonsense about how the only type of women men are attracted to are playboy centerfolds and Baywatch actresses.
July 31, 2014
What kind of person would it take for you to be willing to throw away your desires, or at least put them on the backburner, and make your life’s goal to help that person meet their goals? That’s the picture of the Old Testament bondservant. A Hebrew would have incurred debt to such an extent that he couldn’t pay so he would be sold on the auction block and the money given to his debtors. Whoever bought the man had him for six years, on the seventh year the master must let the slave go free. That is, unless the slave wants to remain with the master. This happened enough that there was a policy regarding it divinely mandated by God (Ex. 21.1-6). The master was to take the slave to his doorpost and pierce his ear, thus making the person his slave for life by the slave’s own choice. So I ask you again, “What kind of person would it take for you to do what the Old Testament bondservant did?
Arterburn and Stoeker say if you’re married you’ve already picked that person. It’s your wife. That doesn’t sit well with most men. We are after all the leaders. God said so! I don’t know if you’ve looked at any leaders in the Bible or not, but those guys were servant leaders. As a matter of fact Jesus Himself, the greatest leader ever, said He came to SERVE! (Matthew 20.28) Your role as the leader of the family, the spiritual compass of the family is to submit to your wife. I don’t have to submit to her in everything, but I need to relinquish my role as Chief Tie-Breaker. Have you ever noticed this mantle on your shoulders? You want to do something, she wants to do something else. It’s a tie! Luckily for you you’re the head of the household so you get an extra vote…right? WRONG! I need to place her desires on a level with my own. This is a concept you’re familiar with probably. Arterburn and Stoeker call it “oneness”, but the Bible calls it unity. Every time I choose myself over my wife I trample her. Obviously this causes a separation, especially when I trample something that is at her very core.
I highly recommend this book! I think it literally changed my life. I’ve never looked at my role in marriage as a bondservant before, but it makes a lot of sense. You’ll get helpful hints on how to transform yourself into a bondservant. In fact these take up most of the book. They devote a chapter to each hint with heartbreaking stories to convey to you the urgency of the change that needs to take place. You’ll also find some LOVE CHILLERS and a better definition and reasoning of oneness than you’ve read here. You’ll read about how to lead your family spiritually and that’s it is hard for your wife to submit to you sexually without oneness in your marriage. We all need better marriages and I believe this book will help you onto the path to a great marriage!
Arterburn and Stoeker say if you’re married you’ve already picked that person. It’s your wife. That doesn’t sit well with most men. We are after all the leaders. God said so! I don’t know if you’ve looked at any leaders in the Bible or not, but those guys were servant leaders. As a matter of fact Jesus Himself, the greatest leader ever, said He came to SERVE! (Matthew 20.28) Your role as the leader of the family, the spiritual compass of the family is to submit to your wife. I don’t have to submit to her in everything, but I need to relinquish my role as Chief Tie-Breaker. Have you ever noticed this mantle on your shoulders? You want to do something, she wants to do something else. It’s a tie! Luckily for you you’re the head of the household so you get an extra vote…right? WRONG! I need to place her desires on a level with my own. This is a concept you’re familiar with probably. Arterburn and Stoeker call it “oneness”, but the Bible calls it unity. Every time I choose myself over my wife I trample her. Obviously this causes a separation, especially when I trample something that is at her very core.
I highly recommend this book! I think it literally changed my life. I’ve never looked at my role in marriage as a bondservant before, but it makes a lot of sense. You’ll get helpful hints on how to transform yourself into a bondservant. In fact these take up most of the book. They devote a chapter to each hint with heartbreaking stories to convey to you the urgency of the change that needs to take place. You’ll also find some LOVE CHILLERS and a better definition and reasoning of oneness than you’ve read here. You’ll read about how to lead your family spiritually and that’s it is hard for your wife to submit to you sexually without oneness in your marriage. We all need better marriages and I believe this book will help you onto the path to a great marriage!
May 22, 2015
I found the unusual and alternative explanation of "headship" near the end of the book to be interesting and worthy of further understanding, clarification, and application (if in fact it is justifiable on an exegetical basis). In fact, I think the book as a whole might have been much better if this topic had been explored further and made the centerpiece of the entire book, instead of the one-sided emphasis upon "master" from one of the authors. I would have also enjoyed this book much more if there had been fewer testimonials from men talking about how wonderful this book was and how it had changed their lives (sometimes seeming to give more credit to the book and to the authors than to God).These seemed to be especially plentiful near the end of the book as well. Having expressed these two reservations, there's still a lot of food for thought and good practical advice in these pages, so I would recommend it as an OK if not a great read.
August 20, 2020
There is a place for this book and most of the "Every Man's" series. I believe it can be extremely important for some men out there. He had some points that really made me think, and will carry with me through my marriage. I love the emphasis on listening to your wife, and not be a stumbling block to her convictions.
Though, like every "Every Man" book I've read, it just seems to stay on the surface. This book is more like a tool to know what to do, but not helpful on how. Creating the change that this book calls for doesn't happen by just doing it. While Every Man's Marriage does a decent job bringing to light what we need to do as husbands, I think it needs time to search our hearts to know why we do what we do.
Overall, It would be hard for me to recommend this book to most husbands.
Though, like every "Every Man" book I've read, it just seems to stay on the surface. This book is more like a tool to know what to do, but not helpful on how. Creating the change that this book calls for doesn't happen by just doing it. While Every Man's Marriage does a decent job bringing to light what we need to do as husbands, I think it needs time to search our hearts to know why we do what we do.
Overall, It would be hard for me to recommend this book to most husbands.
November 30, 2015
This isn't a deeply theological tome on the soteriological implications of the marriage model. It is, however, an easy to read, easy to understand, easy to follow book on how to improve yourself to improve your marriage. I liked it, mainly because I need it. As I read deeper and deeper into the book I realized more and more that there are a lot of ways I need to work to improve my marriage. While the book doesn't ever suggest that marriage problems are solely the man's responsibility it does point back to the simple truth my wife and I try to instill in our children, "You're responsible for you!" I recommend this easy read to help myself and other men take more responsibility for our marriages.
August 31, 2013
Me encantó leer este libro. La historia de Fred Stoeker y su esposa Brenda nos traza el camino (no sin obstáculos) hacia un matrimonio pleno, repletó de sincero gozo y en el que el fin es la unidad perpetua de los amantes. Mi esposa lo disfruto. No dudamos en recomendarlo a cualquier pareja.
I loved this reading. The story of Fred and Brenda Stoeker show us the path (not without obstacles) to a full marriage, full joy and the perpetual unity of the spouses. My wife a I enjoy it wery much and recommend it to any couple.
I loved this reading. The story of Fred and Brenda Stoeker show us the path (not without obstacles) to a full marriage, full joy and the perpetual unity of the spouses. My wife a I enjoy it wery much and recommend it to any couple.
May 4, 2014
This was a hard book to read. I was convicted with nearly every page turn, and I've always thought I was a pretty good husband. In so many ways this book explained many of the complaints my wife has had over the years. It help me to understand that my expectation of fairness in my marriage were just... wrong. It is the husband job to be the chief sacrificer. I don't really like that concept, but the authors use Paul willingness to sacrifice for other christians as an example of what the husband should be willing to do for his wife.
January 22, 2013
This is a must read for any newly married couple or one that has been married for 20 years. It truly breaks down what is expected from marriage and what our duties are as a married man. I can't wait to start trying out the advice and see what great things happen. I wish I would have read this before being married and not squandered the first few months. I also think that it should be a requirement to read it before being married; it would greatly reduce the number of divorces in this country!
January 28, 2015
All in all this is an excellent book for any married man who wants to understand the essence of his wife and learn a Biblical way to loving lead her. Coming from the authors who wrote Every Man's Battle, this book also doesn't pull any punches and is completely raw and honest when it comes to telling us guys "like it is". It get's though even if you may be a little hard headed without any "fluffy" talk. These guys are "straight shooters".
August 2, 2011
This is one of the best marriage book's I've ever read. I love the parallel of the husband and Christ...not only is Jesus the Chief as far as being the lead in our relationship, but He is also the Chief Sacrificer...we like to be the head of everything, but we need to include being a leader in sacrifice too. That was a revelation to me, for real.
January 23, 2016
I recommend every man read this book. Every man that wants to lead his wife and family in a God honoring biblical manner. Every man that would like to understand how women thinking. Don't take my word for it. Instead read for yourself the wisdom of others through successes and failures. READ IT PLEASE!!!
May 13, 2017
This book is all about on how to properly love women. Well, men if you are too centered on yourself, don't read this one but if you are willing to humble yourself towards your wife, well this one is for you.
July 1, 2017
An important book not just for married-a-while but also newly-wed and about-to-be-wed men. Although I would recommend probably reading this later on in your marriage to review if you get a chance to read it before or early on. Lots of tough and enlightening material here.
September 21, 2007
Challenging material for husbands.
December 28, 2007
How to become a real husband and stop living the lies and secrets.
April 17, 2008
This was a great one. It used to be called "Every Women's Desire" I think. It helped me understand what marriage really takes. I would like to read it again now that I am married.
May 13, 2008
A book full of great insight for both the man and the woman in a marriage, and those preparing for marriage.
May 2, 2010
This book has some really great ideas for learning about oneself and their wife.
June 28, 2012
Its good - God has blessed you with a special person - treat her right - live well.
November 2, 2012
A very solid read on building a God centered marriage for every man single or married.
March 28, 2013
provocative/intimidating approach to husband wife relationships.
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February 7, 2018Same book previously published with title of Every Woman's Desire.
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