Intimacy and Solitude: Balancing Closeness and Independence

by Stephanie Dowrick

“[S]elf-help fare at its best” ( Kirkus Reviews ) that brings one closer to oneself in order to bring one closer to others. Intimacy and Solitude  is the international bestseller that helps you enjoy closeness with others, while maintaining a firm sense of independence. Using stories from her psychotherapy practice and her own life, Stephanie Dowrick shows how intimacy begins in discovering and trusting your own self, and then bringing that personal strength into one’s relationships with friends, family, and lovers.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Unfinished, Personal Development, Philosophy

352 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

Reviews

[JD · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the entirety of the book wasn't what I was looking for, the parts I found most interesting were helpful in identifying some person issues I had. Though dense, it's not particularly difficult to follow. A solid read overall on the topics.

[Mounir · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book on relationships, about the continuous conflict between being alone and being with others, and also about having a healthy relationship with oneself. As the author shows, our relationship with ourselves is automatically reflected in our relationship with others.

[Yvonne Anderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am almost finished. There were parts I loved about this book and parts I found really dry. It has taken me ages to get through it.

[Harrison Rosen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Confronting and illuminating in equal measure.

[Rob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Look, 50% of non-fiction books are too long, and 95% of self-help books are too long, so invariably this book is 145% too long (according to my understanding of Bayes' theorem). However, it's still a great book. The basic gist is this: if you are unhappy or uncomfortable around others, it's probably because you are unhappy or uncomfortable on your own. If you can't be happily alone with others, then when you're with others you'll be terrified of being left alone. This really describes me. I am not capable of sitting comfortably alone for five minutes at a party. I'm also not happy alone in solitude. I thought I was, but Dowrick patiently explained how actually I'm not and she's 100% correct.

It's all very confronting and challenging, but Dowrick is a gentle, warm-hearted guide. She gives the sense that she's still learning and thinking about this stuff - that it's not settled and that if you disagree with anything, you don't need to throw away the whole lot. Her descriptive passages are lovely - evocative and varied and celebratory rather than judgemental. I skipped over a fair bit of the section on sex, because it seemed to echo The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, which I think probably does a better job of covering the topic.

[Dieu-Hoa Nguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tác giả nhấn mạnh rất nhiều về việc những gì xảy ra khi còn thơ ấu đã ảnh hưởng đến người trưởng thành như thế nào. Sau tất cả những gì mình trải nghiệm thì mình đồng ý với điều đó.
Khi đọc về cô đơn, tất cả những gì còn đọng lại trong mình là cô đơn thì khác cô độc. Mình không đến ỗi cô đơn nhưng chưa thể sống cô độc được. Rồi khi đọc cô đơn thì cứ mong chờ mãi để đến phần gắn bó, nhưng thực ra vấn đề trong 'gắn bó" dường như không phải là của mình. Tác giả nói nhiều về tình dục và những rắc rối mà nó mang lại cho các cặp đôi. Mình thậm chí còn chưa có trải nghiệm về nó để mà có vấn đề.

Mình cứ đọc mãi, đọc mãi. Đến một câu chuyện nào đó có bóng dáng của mình trong đó thì sẽ đánh dấu lại và hy vong phần tiếp theo tác giả sẽ quay trở lại với nhân vật đó và chỉ ra họ đã làm thế nào để vượt qua hay tác giả nghĩ như thế nào thì họ sẽ ổn. Nhưng rồi mình nhận ra là tác giả cũng chỉ đến mức mô tả và chỉ ra nguyên nhân là cùng thôi (và lúc nào nguyên nhân cũng dính líu tới tuổi thơ của nhân vật), còn thì ngoài gặp một bác sỹ tâm lý cho riêng vấn đề của mình ra thì có ai mà trả lời cho vấn đề của riêng mình ngoài trừ mình đâu.

[Matthew Ng · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reflective read on perceptions and motivation. the book touched on self perception, self projection unto others, others perception on self. the book argues that without healthy self perception, there can be no real intimacy. the other will only be consumed into the self, in an attempt to complete it. the result is a muddled we-self, which is no satisfactory for either party. differentiation, through solitude, is important.

The book also touched on desire. it covered sex as a pretext of desire, illuminating the fact that sex is not the start-all, but the desire of it. it further on to say how desires reflect who we are. this emphasis would go back to our self projection.

[Alisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

If this is the only book you read this year you will have made an excellent choice.

[Alan Tate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the manual for relationships that we all need. The kind of stuff that should be taught in school for a sane society. This would be an excellent psychology primer. There is a good deal about developmental psychology (infancy and childhood) and how it relates to the psychology of relationships (including to yourself). It does a good job of summarizing much psychological thought from diverse schools and the author is good at picking through the weeds, in that regard. I like the way basic ideas are drilled into you by repetition while other ideas are brought up to support and elaborate. I love the small sections, usually breaks every couple of pages.
I think the author doesn't always have the clearest way of expressing herself/ideas, though the book is fairly easy to read and follow. Besides some odd wording in general a few places I will bring up the use of "having a self/the other having a self" as unnecessarily vague ways of saying what she means. I think some of the stereotypes used for examples are leaning towards more sympathy with the general situation of women in relationships at times (this may correctly be simply because men on average do struggle more with relating) and also in relation to that, at times a bit outdated in some portraits and generalizations (at least where I live in America) but generally still true. I think she pretty accurately describes all sorts of types of people/behavior but if it were written now(30 years later) I think there would be even more emphasis on women who are less stereotypical of the nuclear family type. She doesn't lump everyone together though and makes it clear that she is often, like a psychologist must often do, generalizing. She did a time or two seem to be reaching for what the male in the relashionship was doing wrong when, unless she didn't explain it well enough, he seemed (in one instance in particular) to be doing exactly what she said was healthy to do.
The author has no devotion to ulterior agendas and seems to see through both sides of things such as politics, etc with a psychological lense. It's really a great reflection on relationships with ourselves and others.
The overall gist was that close/intimate/meaningful/positive time with other people (starting with your own mother) is what allows you to be alone without anxiety and that being in (and having the capacity to be in) a state of rich solitude, one gets to know oneself and have a feeling of solid ground to stand on within oneself and so can truly relate to others without unconsciously sabotaging relationships. One can see clearly and distinguish the boundaries between self and other. The last chapter on desire seemed rather unfulfilled (the author at length talks about how she was having trouble with it). I'm not even sure why lots of it was in that chapter. Some of it really was nothing particularly to do with desire and really seemed like it was apart of another chapter.
Overall- More than a ordinary self help book in the sense that it's very in depth but not overly so. It's scholarly some of the time but also easy to follow with stories shared from her own life and patients/people she knows. Great read. I was able to read it quicker than most books I read. It was so helpful and insightful that any slight (very slight) critique I have is insignificant compared to the knowledge I received. A sincere thank you to the author.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much anxiety, anger, sadness and related dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors arise from an insufficiently clear sense of one's identity. Using refreshingly plain (non-clinical) language and a wealth of examples, Dowrick clarifies what it means to function as a well-formed individual maintaining a distinct sense of self while participating in healthy relationships with others.

I'm in my second rereading in twenty years and wonder why I haven't made reading it an annual tradition. There are many layers of helpful insights most readers should easily relate to.

[Monique · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first chapter was engaging and intriguing. As I continued reading however I got lost by the endless and seemingly unconnected anecdotes with nil argument weaving them together. I stopped reading about half way through the book. The chapters on gender bothered me - I found the accounts simplistic and over generalised.

What is this book even about? Where did the premise pitched in the first chapter go?!

[Amber Middlebrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

Among the books I've read this year, this one resonated the most deeply with me. It was truly impactful in the way I see the world and self. One of its key messages is that our relationships with others are only as strong as our relationship with ourselves. Everyone could benefit from reading this, and everyone would benefit from others being more self-aware. It moved me deeply, and I felt my heart breaking open over and over.

[Jonathan Solomon · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an extraordinary book. This is one of those few books, when after reading you say "this book has changed the way I view the world". The emotional depth of this book and its many insights are still relevant today. Stephanie articulates very clearly the quandaries we can find ourselves in, and somehow provides a torch, like a guide, in how we may resolve and move on from difficult situations.

[Michael Sasson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly, I expected this to be more helpful and more consistently insightful. Much of it felt like a well-researched journal entry and I wished it could have been more boldly edited so there was less to wade through. When she has something insightful to say, it is worth it -- wading through the rest -- and, of course, others may get more out of more of what she writes.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book feels timely in some parts and dated in others. It looks at finding a balance between these two aspects, and connection of an individual to their own self being the foundation of relationships to others.

[Bec]

DNF pg. 149

Has so much potential but so dry and has no flow

[Kylie Moppert · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great introduction to how we develop from infancy to adulthood. Lots of examples, heaps of different theories, told with compassion and without judgement.

[bookthief · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t want 2 be the version of me portrayed in these words; I left her as soon as the final page was turned.

[Mariahmmm · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me two years to finish this book as I kept putting it down from the dry, surface-level content.

A broad range of themes were discussed on solitude (connecting with ones self) and intimacy (connecting with others because you're in touch with your self), with a variety of personal and patient examples. However, it never felt like it went deep enough. Many times the writing was more report-style statements of facts rather than the guide I was hoping for.

In the end, persevering through was rewarding as one or two parts really clicked for me, and they have been important revelations in my own relationships.

[Warren Gossett · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author Stephanie Dowrick has written several books on creative writing, relationships, marriage and therapy. This books explores the various approaches to intimacy and solitude of current areas of psychotherapy. She is a publisher and has applied energetic curiosity to her London based research and her own experiences in psychoanalysis. I love the way she looks at many branches of psychotherapy. It is worth being as honest and reflective as you can to be self aware and to be aware and empathic of others. I am reminded of the imagined reaction if you could read minds of your intimates and associates. Some would feel like they were going crazy. The lucky patient and reflective persons would take a deep breath and say hello. And it wouldn't have to be complete telepathy or mind reading. Just try going a few steps beyond reading body language and listening carefully. Try to see more of the real mental, spiritual and emotional life within ourselves and within the people we meet and live with.

[Charlane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the book in 1994 after a life-changing event and this book helped me understand intimacy.

Dowrick provides insight into relationships - with self, parents, partners and the public - and she had me evaluating my life without even realizing it. Which was nice. I realized I held the key.

The chapters flow well and are perfectly in sync.

"Without a reliable sense of self, relationships may feel dangerous: you could easily be overwhelmed, entrapped or even lost. Without a reliable sense of self, you may also be inclined to fall for the seductive illusion that greater and more desirable than an I-self is a we-self...."

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm better for having read this. It's a dense, slow read partly because of the effort required to process all the provocative ideas. Worth it, though, if you're in an introspective phase and ready to grow. It has academic and psychoanalytic elements alongside a personal and highly accessible writing style. It illuminated a better way of knowing and honoring boundaries and vulnerabilities in my relationships with others and with myself. I made a lot of marks on it's pages, noting the many wise passages I want to revisit. Not for everyone, but definitely for me.

[Jamie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think whoever you are and whatever you're thoughts and feelings about relationships or the lack thereof, this is an essential read. It is quite psychoanalytical, and I didn't feel it was written in the most straightforward way, or perhaps it was more that I was not able to understand it as straightforwardly as I'd have liked. I will need to read this again to fully absorb it!! That all said, it is one of the better books I've read for understanding relationships and I would definitely recommend it!

[Summer]

This one is going slowly. what a facinating area of study and the author is coming up with some intriguing evedince, but she's writing as though it's a school paper - a really long one at that and I find that I have to re-read paragraphs to understand it's full meaning. I'm also not that fond of her personal story which although is the reason for her research, it's not necessary to the concept of the book.

[Yvonne Cowell · Rating 4 out of 5]

excellant book ., learning about self and other through decisions made in life. looking for someone to fill the gaps when it is yourself that has the potential. solitude so valued and yet borders on loneliness , and the search for an intellectual life filled with love .and warmth ,humour and connection with someone. i know more about myself now.

[Kristine (fezabel) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was given this book as a Christmas gift the year I divorced my husband of 10 years. It's a difficult book to read, simply because it raises so many different issues that should be examined and thought about before moving on. Ms. Dowrick has written several excellent books and I'm very happy to have started with this one. Highly recommended.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is another dog-eared book that I return to often; particularly when I am feeling alone or feel that my relationships are feeling superficial. Check out this poem from the book, by Michael Leunig - "Sitting on the Fence"

'Come sit down beside me,' - I said to myself, - And although it doesn't make sense, - I held my own hand - As a small sign of trust - And together I sat on the fence.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this book right before I went away for 2 weeks solo retreat. She is a brilliant writer a book that explores the importance of the balance of solitude and intimacy in life and how important it is to be comfortable with solitude and getting to know and love self to be successful in intimacy.
I am now reading another of hers. Highly recommend this author.

[Deborah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book. She writes very well and objectively.

I found it interesting to read the experiences of other people and have an idea of their views on the subject.

Gives you food for thought, both in relation to yourselves and other people you know,including your own family members.

[Rosie Pearson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this very slowly, from the beginning of the first lockdown until August. It has been just right for this time of introspection. This is a deep and informed treatment of the balance we need between knowing ourselves and knowing another or others. This should go on the psychology shelf, rather than the self-help shelf; there are no easy answers, but a wealth of case histories.