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The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears
Winner of the Disney’s iParenting Media Award for Best Product Have the Terrible Twos become the Terrifying Threes, Fearsome Fours, Frightening Fives, and beyond? Elizabeth Pantley, creator of the No-Cry revolution, gives you advice for raising well-behaved children, from ages 2 through 8 In The No-Cry Discipline Solution , parenting expert Elizabeth Pantley shows you how to deal with your child's behavior. Written with warmth but based in practicality, Elizabeth shows you how to deal with childhood's most common behavioral "Pantley applies succinct solutions to dozens of everyday-problem scenarios--from backtalk to dawdling to lying to sharing to screaming--as guides for readers to fashion their own responses.
Pantley is a loving realist who has managed, mirabile dictu , to give disciplinarianism a good, warm name."
-- Kirkus "While many books on discipline theory are interesting and enlightening, parents often struggle finding a way to apply the theories. Pantley’s advice is practical and specific. If ever trapped on a desert island with a bunch of kids, this is among the most useful books you could bring along."
--Tera Schreiber, Mom Writer’s Literary Magazine
Pantley is a loving realist who has managed, mirabile dictu , to give disciplinarianism a good, warm name."
-- Kirkus "While many books on discipline theory are interesting and enlightening, parents often struggle finding a way to apply the theories. Pantley’s advice is practical and specific. If ever trapped on a desert island with a bunch of kids, this is among the most useful books you could bring along."
--Tera Schreiber, Mom Writer’s Literary Magazine
320 pages, Paperback
Published May 15, 2007
53 people are currently reading
536 people want to read
About the author
Elizabeth Pantley
63 books448 followersElizabeth Pantley is a bestselling author of fiction and non-fiction books. She writes two well-loved cozy mystery series: The Magical Mystery Book Club, and the Destiny Falls Mystery and Magic series. She has also written the international bestselling No-Cry Solution parenting book series that is available in over twenty languages.
Elizabeth lives in the majestic Pacific Northwest and spends winters in the sunny desert of Arizona. While neither location is home to any paranormal beings (that she knows of) the vastly different yet equally lovely locations are the inspiration for the settings in many of her books.
Sign up for her newsletter to get a free novella at www.elizabethpantleyauthor.com
Elizabeth lives in the majestic Pacific Northwest and spends winters in the sunny desert of Arizona. While neither location is home to any paranormal beings (that she knows of) the vastly different yet equally lovely locations are the inspiration for the settings in many of her books.
Sign up for her newsletter to get a free novella at www.elizabethpantleyauthor.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 80 reviews
March 12, 2013
I picked this up in hopes of adding a few tricks to my arsenal for dealing with our 2.5 year old. Turns out we'd figured out some of the strategies on our own, and they have indeed worked for us, and there was other good food for thought, as well.
Part one discusses the foundation for building the behaviors you want to see from your child. There's a very handy chart describing various bad behaviors from teenagers that most of us hope to avoid, and related things you can do with your toddler, preschooler, and young child to potentially start good habits early and avoid the negative later, slowly escalating responsibility and expectation appropriate to their age.
Part two describes the no-cry discipline parenting "skills and tools." As far as I can tell, this mostly involves avoiding situations that will cause your child to be vulnerable to tantrums. Make sure they're sleeping well, fed, and entertained. (I have mixed feelings on that last part, which I'll get back to at the end of the review.) She also emphasizes being positive and consistent, but also flexible, and not just with the kids. As parents, we need to cut ourselves some slack, cooperate with our children as they figure out the world, and be realistic.
Part three is all about parental anger. (Oh boy.) It's real, it's common, and it can inadvertently make things worse. She offers techniques for dealing with this anger, but even more helpful than that (for me) was the dose of perspective she offers. Children are childish -- they can't help it. Adults can, and as a parent you have to motivate yourself to do so. Every parent has angry outbursts at some point, but keeping them uncommon will do a lot toward preserving your relationship with your child (and your sanity). Sometimes you just have to let things go.
Part four might be the most useful of all. It's broken into sections headed by possible problems you might be dealing with, like the child is biting, not wanting to get in (or out) of the bathtub, etc. For each, she talks about the possible underlying causes of the problem (so you can address those), plus lists of good and bad approaches to working through the situations as they occur. She always offers multiple responses, but generally speaking, they involve cooperating with the child, trusting them, and empowering them, while redirecting them to get the job done.
Ok, about the entertainment thing... a while back, I read Pamela Druckerman's Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, and one of the many things that struck me was how (as American parents) we tend to be in our children's faces all the time, entertaining them, sharing their experiences (saying "whee!" every time they go down the slide), and making sure we always have a toy or bag of Cheerios in our bag to placate them at the first sign of boredom. French parents don't do this, the idea being that the children will learn to entertain themselves. And they do. It's one of the reasons their toddlers behave well and sit at the table for the duration of a restaurant meal while we end up taking turns with our spouses, one eating the meal while the other walks circles around the place with the kid.
I'm not saying one culture is better, but it struck me how some of the parenting issues that crop up are cultural byproducts. If you're reading Pantley's book and looking to deal with your 3yo at this point, maybe your best bet is bringing along the bag of toys to entertain them at the grocery store. But, if you're reading this preemptively, if your child is only 6mo, it might be worth checking out Druckerman's book and considering other points of view. Her book is a memoir and not a rigorous parenting study, but there are still things that I'd consider incorporating into my parenting from an earlier time if we had another.
Part one discusses the foundation for building the behaviors you want to see from your child. There's a very handy chart describing various bad behaviors from teenagers that most of us hope to avoid, and related things you can do with your toddler, preschooler, and young child to potentially start good habits early and avoid the negative later, slowly escalating responsibility and expectation appropriate to their age.
Part two describes the no-cry discipline parenting "skills and tools." As far as I can tell, this mostly involves avoiding situations that will cause your child to be vulnerable to tantrums. Make sure they're sleeping well, fed, and entertained. (I have mixed feelings on that last part, which I'll get back to at the end of the review.) She also emphasizes being positive and consistent, but also flexible, and not just with the kids. As parents, we need to cut ourselves some slack, cooperate with our children as they figure out the world, and be realistic.
Part three is all about parental anger. (Oh boy.) It's real, it's common, and it can inadvertently make things worse. She offers techniques for dealing with this anger, but even more helpful than that (for me) was the dose of perspective she offers. Children are childish -- they can't help it. Adults can, and as a parent you have to motivate yourself to do so. Every parent has angry outbursts at some point, but keeping them uncommon will do a lot toward preserving your relationship with your child (and your sanity). Sometimes you just have to let things go.
Part four might be the most useful of all. It's broken into sections headed by possible problems you might be dealing with, like the child is biting, not wanting to get in (or out) of the bathtub, etc. For each, she talks about the possible underlying causes of the problem (so you can address those), plus lists of good and bad approaches to working through the situations as they occur. She always offers multiple responses, but generally speaking, they involve cooperating with the child, trusting them, and empowering them, while redirecting them to get the job done.
Ok, about the entertainment thing... a while back, I read Pamela Druckerman's Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, and one of the many things that struck me was how (as American parents) we tend to be in our children's faces all the time, entertaining them, sharing their experiences (saying "whee!" every time they go down the slide), and making sure we always have a toy or bag of Cheerios in our bag to placate them at the first sign of boredom. French parents don't do this, the idea being that the children will learn to entertain themselves. And they do. It's one of the reasons their toddlers behave well and sit at the table for the duration of a restaurant meal while we end up taking turns with our spouses, one eating the meal while the other walks circles around the place with the kid.
I'm not saying one culture is better, but it struck me how some of the parenting issues that crop up are cultural byproducts. If you're reading Pantley's book and looking to deal with your 3yo at this point, maybe your best bet is bringing along the bag of toys to entertain them at the grocery store. But, if you're reading this preemptively, if your child is only 6mo, it might be worth checking out Druckerman's book and considering other points of view. Her book is a memoir and not a rigorous parenting study, but there are still things that I'd consider incorporating into my parenting from an earlier time if we had another.
October 29, 2009
This is possibly the most helpful parenting book I've EVER read. The most important thing for me was that it helped me realize that I have become the kind of parent I never wanted or expected to be: too serious. Pantley gives lots of useful suggestions for encouraging compliance BEFORE resorting to consequences, what we normally think of when we think of discipline. She helped me see that eliciting obedience from my toddler can actually be fun, not just "the law".
For example, rather than saying, "Okay, time to clean up your toys" and then enforcing it (even when the enforcement is gentle), it's more fun and effective to have the toys "march" in a toy parade into the toy box. It accomplishes the same goals (clean room, child learns good habits), but without the struggles and with the added bonus of a good time shared between parent and child. Maybe I'm too tired or maybe I'm just not creative enough, but I don't naturally think of these things on my own. I appreciate specific suggestions.
I second what another reviewer said. Pantley combines the gentleness of attachment parenting with practical, useful advice for how to employ it. Dr. Sears's books have left me wanting that.
Oh, and let's not forget the chapter about parental anger. So helpful and a rarity in parenting books.
For example, rather than saying, "Okay, time to clean up your toys" and then enforcing it (even when the enforcement is gentle), it's more fun and effective to have the toys "march" in a toy parade into the toy box. It accomplishes the same goals (clean room, child learns good habits), but without the struggles and with the added bonus of a good time shared between parent and child. Maybe I'm too tired or maybe I'm just not creative enough, but I don't naturally think of these things on my own. I appreciate specific suggestions.
I second what another reviewer said. Pantley combines the gentleness of attachment parenting with practical, useful advice for how to employ it. Dr. Sears's books have left me wanting that.
Oh, and let's not forget the chapter about parental anger. So helpful and a rarity in parenting books.
April 2, 2009
Pantley presents a varied collection of useful parenting techniques for dealing with unpleasant kid behavior. Talk in a funny voice, get on their eye-level, give choices, set up routines, give warning before changes... she also presents a useful (if a little drawn out) chapter on dealing with anger as a parent-- YOUR anger.
So this is a useful and hopeful reference-- with specific and simple techniques for specific situations. And the author wisely says-- use what works for you, your kid, your style. I dislike any books that say, "you have to do it my way %100 for this to work-- if you fail you must have done it wrong." Pantley never says that-- so this book can be helpful for any parent, with whatever parenting style you espouse.
I'd like to keep this one around (or on my check-out-often list at the library)to reread and remind myself of the useful practical tips and techniques.
So this is a useful and hopeful reference-- with specific and simple techniques for specific situations. And the author wisely says-- use what works for you, your kid, your style. I dislike any books that say, "you have to do it my way %100 for this to work-- if you fail you must have done it wrong." Pantley never says that-- so this book can be helpful for any parent, with whatever parenting style you espouse.
I'd like to keep this one around (or on my check-out-often list at the library)to reread and remind myself of the useful practical tips and techniques.
July 17, 2008
Possibly my favorite discipline book so far. It's super practical, and addresses things from a parents' point of view. I'm a fan of Pantley's writing overall. I really liked the No Cry Sleep Solution books as well. She addresses things from an attachment parenting standpoint, yet also deals with these issues realistically. I sort of contrast these books in my mind with the Sears books, which are full of a lot of theory, but not a lot of real answers.
November 21, 2009
I was really disappointed by this book. I figured that with all the recommendations it got in attachment parenting circles and with "no cry" in its title, it would have less of a behaviorist bent. We gleaned a few things that work in our family, but most of it requires rewards, consequences, praising, etc...
December 21, 2018
Väga hea raamat õpetamaks lapsevanemale nippe ja trikke! Raamatus on väga palju erinevaid näiteid ja situatsioone ja nõuandeid, kuidas nutuseid ja protestirohkeid olukordi lahendada. Vajalik igal vanemal see läbi lugeda ja nipid kasutusse võtta!
April 22, 2019
Until I read the reviews, I didn't realize this is touted as an "attachment parenting" style book. In my head I'm not that type of parent, but then I also realized in my head I'm also not the type of parent looking for help in parenting books, yet here I am, so I'm going with the philosophy I will read all types of books and use what I find useful in each of them. We all just want well-behaved kids, and I'm thinking that means a need an entire arsenal of different ideas and theories depending on the kid and the situation. So on that note ...
I basically was able to skim through this in about 45 minutes, and I found its set up and advice very helpful in giving me some new ways to creatively curb the the whining and fighting. Logistically I haven't tried it yet, but I know yelling and losing my shit on my end isn't working, so something has to be better, right? I took lots of notes on specific situations like figuring out the important rules for the house, what we want to stand for, dealing with fighting, leading by example, and not acting too quickly to throw a consequence out there before trying to diffuse a situation. (I always follow through on consequences, so there are lots of tears about not going places or getting to do something). I'm a much more serious and strict parent than I ever thought I'd be, so this book has shown me some ways to loosen up a bit and make things a bit more fun and maybe not be afraid my kid is going to grow up to be a pathological liar or serial killer because he lied about opening an advent calendar door.
I was very appreciative of the chapters on parental anger, how to deal with it, and escalation charts. The end of the book also gives some common real life scenarios such as dealing with bath time (getting them to take a bath, splashing, not wanting to get out, etc.), bedtime, sibling fighting, biting, toothbrushing, play dates, etc. I definitely recommend it as an option.
I basically was able to skim through this in about 45 minutes, and I found its set up and advice very helpful in giving me some new ways to creatively curb the the whining and fighting. Logistically I haven't tried it yet, but I know yelling and losing my shit on my end isn't working, so something has to be better, right? I took lots of notes on specific situations like figuring out the important rules for the house, what we want to stand for, dealing with fighting, leading by example, and not acting too quickly to throw a consequence out there before trying to diffuse a situation. (I always follow through on consequences, so there are lots of tears about not going places or getting to do something). I'm a much more serious and strict parent than I ever thought I'd be, so this book has shown me some ways to loosen up a bit and make things a bit more fun and maybe not be afraid my kid is going to grow up to be a pathological liar or serial killer because he lied about opening an advent calendar door.
I was very appreciative of the chapters on parental anger, how to deal with it, and escalation charts. The end of the book also gives some common real life scenarios such as dealing with bath time (getting them to take a bath, splashing, not wanting to get out, etc.), bedtime, sibling fighting, biting, toothbrushing, play dates, etc. I definitely recommend it as an option.
March 1, 2011
I didn't realize when I picked this up that this is geared for preschool-age kids. I like the author's outlook on parentintg, so if I'd read it when my kids were younger I might have rated it higher. She did make a couple of points that I like. One is that a great majority of the things our children do that make us angry when they're young are not significant in the grand scheme of things (eating dinner, spilling, going to bed, etc.). That's something I need to keep in mind. The other point I liked is that a lot of children's issues relate to lack of emotional control. She makes a list of things that are aggravating to adults and that we might be likely to lose our cool about and then points out that if we as adults don't have perfect control, it doesn't make sense that children will either. We have to take the time to teach them and even then, they're going to make mistakes. Another something that might be obvious, but I need to keep in mind.
October 3, 2010
Eh. Useful to skim, but seriously? I've heard and tried all this before. Really. Multiple times.
I am still waiting for the instructions/guide to my son, because these parenting books I have read, none of them have solutions that have helped thus far.
I am still waiting for the instructions/guide to my son, because these parenting books I have read, none of them have solutions that have helped thus far.
July 12, 2018
On umbes 4 põhjust, miks mulle nö eneseabiraamatud ei meeldi:
1) Nad on liiga pikad. Ei, lehekülgi ei ole liiga palju, aga sama lauset korratakse liiga mitmel leheküljel kümnetes eri sõnastustes. Ma tahaksin konkreetsust; pole vaja sama asja ikka jälle ja jälle nämmutada.
2) Pidevalt öeldakse "sellest aga pikemalt raamatu lõpupoole / teises pooles / alljärgnevalt". Ühel hetkel on raamat läbi, aga nende põnevate teemadeni nagu ei jõudnud. Või siis korrati sama asja lihtsalt veel paarikümnes uues sõnastuses.
3) Nad on nagu hästi koostatud horoskoobid - igaüks leiab midagi, mille kohta hüüatada: "Aga täpselt nii ongi!"
4) Nad on vasturääkivad. Järgmine peatükk võib vabalt käia eelmisele risti vastu. Aga eks see ole ka loogiline - iga lugeja, olgu ta nii erinev kui tahes, peab enda jaoks midagi leidma.
Need punktid kehtivad hästi ka "Nututa kasvatuse" kohta.
Muidugi oli selliseid asju, mille kohta ma leidsin, et need on täiesti õiged (vt ka punkt 3). Näiteks see, et lastele tuleb anda ettevalmistuseks aega ("5-3-1, läks!"). Teen seda ka ise pidevalt ja näen, et see töötab. Ja oli ka neid asju, mida oma laste peal (2 ja 5) proovisin ja mis minu suureks üllatuseks töötavad.
Samas oli ka küllalt neid asju, millega ma kuidagi nõustuda ei taha. Pea igaks olukorraks soovitakse varuda "tervislikke" suupisteid (näidetena on toodud muuhulgas ka müslibatoonid, soolapähklid jms). Mõni ime, et laste ülekaalulisus on probleemiks, kui iga jonnihoo lahenduseks on küpsise pihku pistmine.
Raamatu selge suunitlus oli emadele (just kirjakeele poolest; kasvatusnõuannete puhul ei ole muidugi vahet, kas neid teostab isa või ema või vanaema või kes iganes). Nii et võib-olla ka seetõttu jäi see minu jaoks veidi kaugeks.
Eelkõige on see abiraamat vanematele, kes tunnevad sõprade ideaalseid instapilte vaadates, et nad ei saa hakkama. Väga suur suunitlus oli sellele, et laste jonnihood ja sõnakuulmatus on normaane osa lapse arengust ja ennast ei pea selle pärast pahasti tundma. Probleemiga tuleb tegelda, aga raske on kõigil vanematel - ükskõik, mida ka klantspildid näitavad. Kõik lapsed jonnivad, tujutsevad - ja kõik vanemad lähevad aeg-ajalt närvi.
Ma teiste kohta ei oska öelda, aga mul ei ole selle teada saamiseks vaja 250 leheküljelist raamatut läbi lugeda... Ausalt öeldes ei ole mul kordagi tulnud pähe, et ma olen läbikukkunud vanem, kui mõni mu lastest ei taha mänguväljakult koju minna või keeldub tegemast midagi, mida ma tahan.
1) Nad on liiga pikad. Ei, lehekülgi ei ole liiga palju, aga sama lauset korratakse liiga mitmel leheküljel kümnetes eri sõnastustes. Ma tahaksin konkreetsust; pole vaja sama asja ikka jälle ja jälle nämmutada.
2) Pidevalt öeldakse "sellest aga pikemalt raamatu lõpupoole / teises pooles / alljärgnevalt". Ühel hetkel on raamat läbi, aga nende põnevate teemadeni nagu ei jõudnud. Või siis korrati sama asja lihtsalt veel paarikümnes uues sõnastuses.
3) Nad on nagu hästi koostatud horoskoobid - igaüks leiab midagi, mille kohta hüüatada: "Aga täpselt nii ongi!"
4) Nad on vasturääkivad. Järgmine peatükk võib vabalt käia eelmisele risti vastu. Aga eks see ole ka loogiline - iga lugeja, olgu ta nii erinev kui tahes, peab enda jaoks midagi leidma.
Need punktid kehtivad hästi ka "Nututa kasvatuse" kohta.
Muidugi oli selliseid asju, mille kohta ma leidsin, et need on täiesti õiged (vt ka punkt 3). Näiteks see, et lastele tuleb anda ettevalmistuseks aega ("5-3-1, läks!"). Teen seda ka ise pidevalt ja näen, et see töötab. Ja oli ka neid asju, mida oma laste peal (2 ja 5) proovisin ja mis minu suureks üllatuseks töötavad.
Samas oli ka küllalt neid asju, millega ma kuidagi nõustuda ei taha. Pea igaks olukorraks soovitakse varuda "tervislikke" suupisteid (näidetena on toodud muuhulgas ka müslibatoonid, soolapähklid jms). Mõni ime, et laste ülekaalulisus on probleemiks, kui iga jonnihoo lahenduseks on küpsise pihku pistmine.
Raamatu selge suunitlus oli emadele (just kirjakeele poolest; kasvatusnõuannete puhul ei ole muidugi vahet, kas neid teostab isa või ema või vanaema või kes iganes). Nii et võib-olla ka seetõttu jäi see minu jaoks veidi kaugeks.
Eelkõige on see abiraamat vanematele, kes tunnevad sõprade ideaalseid instapilte vaadates, et nad ei saa hakkama. Väga suur suunitlus oli sellele, et laste jonnihood ja sõnakuulmatus on normaane osa lapse arengust ja ennast ei pea selle pärast pahasti tundma. Probleemiga tuleb tegelda, aga raske on kõigil vanematel - ükskõik, mida ka klantspildid näitavad. Kõik lapsed jonnivad, tujutsevad - ja kõik vanemad lähevad aeg-ajalt närvi.
Ma teiste kohta ei oska öelda, aga mul ei ole selle teada saamiseks vaja 250 leheküljelist raamatut läbi lugeda... Ausalt öeldes ei ole mul kordagi tulnud pähe, et ma olen läbikukkunud vanem, kui mõni mu lastest ei taha mänguväljakult koju minna või keeldub tegemast midagi, mida ma tahan.
December 11, 2017
I really enjoyed this book because it was honest (yes, even good parents do get tired of their children once in a while, and may even *gasp* raise their voice occasionally) and because it gave specific ideas on how to handle certain situations. But mostly I liked it because it reiterated exactly what a child can and cannot do, and when we tend to expect too much, and when we don't expect enough. We have to remember that toddlers are toddlers, so getting upset with them because, "I've told you three times!" isn't really helpful because they have to be told things over and over. I've found that putting myself in my toddler's shoes at times, and considering how difficult it would be if I wanted something specific but didn't have the words to express it, and it helps you commiserate and empathize with your child.
September 14, 2019
Worked for me !!!
I was really happy with this book it gave me examples of situations and then a "solution" or something to try. It's a quick read and if you are consistent it gets better.
Nothing is perfect but much better, there is good and bad days but with this book I have tools and learned to be thinking more like a toddler not an adult.
I was really happy with this book it gave me examples of situations and then a "solution" or something to try. It's a quick read and if you are consistent it gets better.
Nothing is perfect but much better, there is good and bad days but with this book I have tools and learned to be thinking more like a toddler not an adult.
August 12, 2018
Elizabeth Pantley has a very respectful approach to interacting with and teaching/disciplining children. She recognizes them as small humans who require teaching and direction or redirection, not little monsters who need to be punished.
August 7, 2019
A lot of good advice and MANY strategies on how to troubleshoot childhood behaviors. I like how she doesn't talk down to the parent, but assumes we have agency and will choose things that will work for us.
November 19, 2019
This is one of my favorite parenting books so far. It has so many practical tips and tools for encouraging children to cooperate, using gentle methods. I recommend this book to everyone. The cover is outdated and the title is gimmicky, but the content is amazing. Highly recommend!
June 15, 2017
Well written. Helpful.
August 4, 2019
Ooo, some good, practical coaching for a variety of developmentally appropriate but problematic behaviors with young kids. Will be using for tantrums and bedtime routine.
November 24, 2019
The author has an excellent attitude.
January 11, 2023
Recycled parenting advice, with a touch of horrible advice that encourages authoritarian parenting
June 3, 2025
80% solid advice. I didn’t totally agree with all of it though.
August 9, 2012
This was one of those books that I just knew from the first page that it was going to be helpful. As in all of her "no-cry" books that I've read so far, Elizabeth Pantley gives solid and gentle advice, encouragement, and suggestions. She helps you to realize that you are not alone in the way you feel about things (here discipline) and that you ARE a good parent. "The no-cry discipline solution" is full of helpful tips and advice to help parents (and anyone who is around children) understand why children act the way they do, what things to look out for, and how to deal with your own anger issues. She gives tools to help in specific situations (we just started using the "quiet bunny" and several other techniques and they are fantastic!) and between the charts and the reference section on "specific solutions for everyday problems," this is a book that you definitely want to keep on your desk to reference as needed. I will definitely be giving friends a copy of this book at baby showers! The only issue I had was with "time outs", and really it's more of a semantics issue, so I guess it's really not even an issue! I don't really believe time outs work in the way that we typically see time outs being used for punishments (send child to the corner, their room, isolate them and make mean faces at them, setting arbitrary time limits on their isolation, etc.) However, in this book, she explains how time outs are SUPPOSED to be used as discipline, not punishment, and how they can be done without causing damage to the parent-child relationship and also without hurting the child. So, I learned that time outs can work in positive discipline if they are used correctly. I also really like the way she "speaks" to you in a gentle tone, like a good friend supporting and encouraging you through this learning journey. Many of us were not treated with respect as children, and those wounds are often reopened or triggered by our children's behaviours and if we aren't aware we can repeat a cycle of violence/punitive punishments, yelling, belittling, etc. that was done to us as children. But Pantley has a way of speaking to you as you read that really empowers you to be gentle with yourself and your children, all while giving you ideas, tools and techniques to help you understand and discipline your children gently and respectfully. Again, I HIGHLY recommend this to everyone who is a parent or caregiver to children age two and older. It should be required reading!!
July 23, 2015
I was excited to get this book; then once I had it I gave it one apprehensive look then shelved it—for months. My kids are three and seven, which means I’m pretty heavily invested in my parenting style. The fear of finding out all that I've been doing wrong (once again) was almost enough to keep me from cracking it at all. However, my daily life continually showed me how much room there is for improvement.
I needn't have worried; Elizabeth has raised four children and understands how parenting can try even the most patient of people. She doesn't focus on what we're doing wrong, she only gives us alternatives. In one example, she explains how to make a task a game, if you have a toddler who makes a fuss having his diaper changed, put the diaper on your hand and give it a silly name and voice. Next diaper change might have your little one bringing you a fresh diaper saying, “Mama, time for Dilly Diaper!” Engaging their imagination earns cooperation nearly every time.
You also benefit from her experience as a parent having seen so many people through the many stages of childhood. E.g., a toddler who puts her socks in the dirty laundry may become a teenager who does her own laundry. I hadn’t thought of this in the long-term before, I only saw that having my toddler to pick up her socks required more effort than doing it myself. Elizabeth provides a chart of sample chores for age groups and how to progress with them as they grow. Now that we have techniques for gaining cooperation in our parenting bag, initiating chores isn’t nearly as daunting.
This book works well with the Conscious Discipline style of parenting, formalized by Becky Bailey. Becky’s book gives us the outline and few ideas on how to implement, Elizabeth builds on that positive parenting style and gives us hundreds of ideas all the while nurturing us as parents.
Discipline is not easy, but it need not bring on the feelings of dread in both parents and children when the emphasis is on teaching rather than punishment. Children want to do the right thing, and they want to please us, they just don't always know how to maneuver their impulses. This book is a like having a kind mother-in-law, she pours you a hot cup of tea, lets you cry on her shoulder, then whispers life-altering advice into your ear. Then she cleans your bathroom before leaving.
I needn't have worried; Elizabeth has raised four children and understands how parenting can try even the most patient of people. She doesn't focus on what we're doing wrong, she only gives us alternatives. In one example, she explains how to make a task a game, if you have a toddler who makes a fuss having his diaper changed, put the diaper on your hand and give it a silly name and voice. Next diaper change might have your little one bringing you a fresh diaper saying, “Mama, time for Dilly Diaper!” Engaging their imagination earns cooperation nearly every time.
You also benefit from her experience as a parent having seen so many people through the many stages of childhood. E.g., a toddler who puts her socks in the dirty laundry may become a teenager who does her own laundry. I hadn’t thought of this in the long-term before, I only saw that having my toddler to pick up her socks required more effort than doing it myself. Elizabeth provides a chart of sample chores for age groups and how to progress with them as they grow. Now that we have techniques for gaining cooperation in our parenting bag, initiating chores isn’t nearly as daunting.
This book works well with the Conscious Discipline style of parenting, formalized by Becky Bailey. Becky’s book gives us the outline and few ideas on how to implement, Elizabeth builds on that positive parenting style and gives us hundreds of ideas all the while nurturing us as parents.
Discipline is not easy, but it need not bring on the feelings of dread in both parents and children when the emphasis is on teaching rather than punishment. Children want to do the right thing, and they want to please us, they just don't always know how to maneuver their impulses. This book is a like having a kind mother-in-law, she pours you a hot cup of tea, lets you cry on her shoulder, then whispers life-altering advice into your ear. Then she cleans your bathroom before leaving.
September 12, 2008
Excellent book! This has widened my options for dealing with the whining and tantrums of my two year old, and has helped me be more understanding of the "whys" of her frustration and what I can do to help her through it.
The book offers several ideas for first, understanding why your child is upset (hungry, sleep deprived, bored, unable to communicate, etc.); second, diverting attention, such as giving choices (do you want to hop like a bunny or jump like a frog to the car?), or "making it talk" (making a diaper talk like a puppet to a child who is refusing a diaper change); third, advice on how to choose your family rules and enforce them, and many other ideas for how to pinpoint anger as a parent, and how to deal with it healthily, so your home can be more peaceful.
The thing I like best about this book is that instead of immediately jumping into frustrated parent banishing child to time-out, it tries lightening the mood of the home first with fun options for both parent and child. Even if the parent doesn't feel like getting down and playing when they are frustrated, it really works! I have tried this with my daughter and often it will snap her out of a tantrum before it can start, or get her to finish her meal without a fight and time-out. I like that there are other things to try before getting down to the nitty gritty of time-out and other consequences. It actually puts me in a better mood during the day as well.
This book also has several suggestions on each topic, so each different family can pick the ideas that work for them. It is realistic and down-to-earth. I would recommend it to anyone trying to understand and help their children, it's fantastic!
The book offers several ideas for first, understanding why your child is upset (hungry, sleep deprived, bored, unable to communicate, etc.); second, diverting attention, such as giving choices (do you want to hop like a bunny or jump like a frog to the car?), or "making it talk" (making a diaper talk like a puppet to a child who is refusing a diaper change); third, advice on how to choose your family rules and enforce them, and many other ideas for how to pinpoint anger as a parent, and how to deal with it healthily, so your home can be more peaceful.
The thing I like best about this book is that instead of immediately jumping into frustrated parent banishing child to time-out, it tries lightening the mood of the home first with fun options for both parent and child. Even if the parent doesn't feel like getting down and playing when they are frustrated, it really works! I have tried this with my daughter and often it will snap her out of a tantrum before it can start, or get her to finish her meal without a fight and time-out. I like that there are other things to try before getting down to the nitty gritty of time-out and other consequences. It actually puts me in a better mood during the day as well.
This book also has several suggestions on each topic, so each different family can pick the ideas that work for them. It is realistic and down-to-earth. I would recommend it to anyone trying to understand and help their children, it's fantastic!
March 5, 2015
Repetitive, but very good (english/português)
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Repetitivo, mas muito bom
The book says a lot about assertiveness and points out that the best way to communicate what we want to say , it's not like we are used to. Children have an innocent language and devoid of certain language features we most often use. The way I understood the book, the best way to communicate with the child is always with a direct sentence , close visual contact, with short and easy sentences to understand . Vague commands shouted from other rooms only generate misunderstandings and resentment.
It is important for parents to share and respect the child's fantasy world. It is there, in the fantasy world of where we should always take time to be with them , we will get some of the best experiences of our parenting.
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Repetitivo, mas muito bom
O livro fala muito sobre a assertividade com as crianças, e que a melhor forma de comunicar o que queremos falar, não é como estamos acostumados a dizer. Crianças tem uma linguagem inocente e desprovida de certos recursos de linguagem que estamos acostumados. Da forma como entendi o livro, a melhor forma de se comunicar com a criança é sempre uma sentença direta, contato visual próximo, com poucas palavras e de fácil compreensão. Comandos vagos gritados de outros cômodos só gerarão desobediência e ressentimento.
É importante que os pais compartilhem e respeitem o mundo de fantasia da criança. É lá, no mundo da fantasia e da brincadeira, onde devemos sempre reservar tempo para estar com elas, que obteremos algumas das melhores experiências da nossa paternidade.
March 6, 2008
I really enjoyed this book, and I can see myself going back to it again and again for reference in the future. I originally checked it out of the library, but plan to buy a copy soon. The book is very readable, and the author "speaks" in a knowledgeable tone without being condescending. Most of the advice Pantley gives is very practical and useable.
The best way to "sum up" the contents of this book? Pantley mentions that some parents have just one "tool" in their discipline toolbox. And if that one tool doesn't work, they stand there empty-handed, wondering what to do next. This book gives a lot of different ideas to expand on your own "toolbox." You can pick and choose which ones work for your family.
When I first skimmed the book, I noticed that I am already doing some of the things she suggests. This told me two things: (1)I'm heading in the right direction and should stick with them and (2) This book really "jives" with my parenting style, and I should keep reading. :)
This one's a "keeper" for my parenting bookshelf!
The best way to "sum up" the contents of this book? Pantley mentions that some parents have just one "tool" in their discipline toolbox. And if that one tool doesn't work, they stand there empty-handed, wondering what to do next. This book gives a lot of different ideas to expand on your own "toolbox." You can pick and choose which ones work for your family.
When I first skimmed the book, I noticed that I am already doing some of the things she suggests. This told me two things: (1)I'm heading in the right direction and should stick with them and (2) This book really "jives" with my parenting style, and I should keep reading. :)
This one's a "keeper" for my parenting bookshelf!
December 13, 2010
I recommend this book to any parent (natural, adoptive or step) who wants a non-combative and guilt-free approach to dealing with behavior issues in children ages 2 to 6. I read this book a couple of years ago, but since Ian was only about a year old, most of the issues were not something I could identify with yet. Not to say that there are no issues with a very young, energetic and inquisitive child, but more that we were not yet communicating on the level that this this book addresses. Now that I have re-read it with a willful 3 1/2 year old in my house, the tips are much more relevant. The book has 4 sections, one on parenting philosophy, one on general parenting tools to help with behavior issues in children, one on learning to identify and deal with the anger of ourselves as parents without escalating an argument with the child (anger management), and one that focuses on specific behavior issues. I can say that I have already started using some of the techniques and found them to be immediately successful.
October 4, 2008
I have to admit, I probably already knew (in some form) about at least half, if not two-thirds, of the techniques suggested in this book. The ones I didn't know about were very worthwhile, but that's not what made me really like this book. *That* was Pantley's attitude. Reading this book made me feel good about being a parent, and okay about my mistakes. And, meanwhile, I actually got good advice.
For those of you who are totally focused on the advice, btw, this is still a great choice. She covers what factors may contribute to factors (above and beyond "I WANT THAT!"), techniques for avoiding/ending whining and tantruming, and ways to keep your own anger in check. She also has many pages that help you apply the information to specific, common problems.
While I'm not going to buy a copy (I borrowed this from the library), I *am* going to photocopy some of the pages for reference later.
For those of you who are totally focused on the advice, btw, this is still a great choice. She covers what factors may contribute to factors (above and beyond "I WANT THAT!"), techniques for avoiding/ending whining and tantruming, and ways to keep your own anger in check. She also has many pages that help you apply the information to specific, common problems.
While I'm not going to buy a copy (I borrowed this from the library), I *am* going to photocopy some of the pages for reference later.
September 4, 2008
A refreshing parenting book...finally! The author doesn't pretend to have a secret formula or all the answers, but this book is FULL of so many great reminders, tips and tools. I've already used several of her ideas...and I can see them working!!!
Pantley first discusses discipline...the big picture. It is the foundation for the rest of the book. Then she tackles everyday challenges and provides VERY specific ideas, so that as a parent you can pick and choose those that you think might work best for each of your children. I was really glad to see her also address the issue of parental anger, because that is so often ignored yet it is common to every one of us.
If you are looking for alternative ideas to just spanking all the time, then this book is definitely for you!
Pantley first discusses discipline...the big picture. It is the foundation for the rest of the book. Then she tackles everyday challenges and provides VERY specific ideas, so that as a parent you can pick and choose those that you think might work best for each of your children. I was really glad to see her also address the issue of parental anger, because that is so often ignored yet it is common to every one of us.
If you are looking for alternative ideas to just spanking all the time, then this book is definitely for you!
December 28, 2011
Unlike most parenting books (or most self-help books, for that matter), this book gives concrete, practical how-to advice. The advice makes sense, is illustrated by real-world examples, and even comes with lists of Dos and Don'ts. In that regard it is easier to understand and more useful than nearly any other parenting book I've read. The author doesn't get too bogged down in theory and philosophy. She just lays out concrete suggestions for overcoming common childhood discipline problems - a technique sorely lacking in the vast majority of parenting books out there. And the book is rather comprehensive; although, it seems more geared toward younger children - toddlers and preschoolers especially. A helpful book. Not revolutionary, but genuinely helpful.
April 28, 2010
I liked this book quite a bit. It's a nice, general discussion of discipline with a ton of specific, concrete strategies you can use. Very down-to-earth, realistic tone. I really like the section about parental anger, validating that every parent gets angry, and giving a specific set of steps to help you handle the anger.
I should mention that my baby is only 12 months old so I am not quite to the point of using most of these behavior strategies yet! Another caveat - if you have a child with significant behavior problems, I don't think this book will be very useful. It's designed to address small, day-to-day problems (whining, minor lying, tantrums, sibling arguments, etc.).
I should mention that my baby is only 12 months old so I am not quite to the point of using most of these behavior strategies yet! Another caveat - if you have a child with significant behavior problems, I don't think this book will be very useful. It's designed to address small, day-to-day problems (whining, minor lying, tantrums, sibling arguments, etc.).
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