Human Intimacy: Illusion & Reality

by Victor L. Brown Jr.

The search for intimacy is fundamental. It can be an exhilarating part of being human. Yet there is wide disagreement about meanings, means, and ends. The approach of this book is that modern social trends toward self-gratification and self-indulgence have produced a form of intimacy which is without foundation in reality and is supported only by a facade of illusion.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Marriage, Self Help, Relationships

167 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1981

Reviews

[Adam · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bleh. I'm sure this was monumental when it was first released but this is soooo out of date and not helpful now. First off, FYI, this book isn't about sex, it purports to be about building true connection with a spouse. Largely, each chapter is a summary of a wider set of psychology principles that is only somewhat related to the original premise. I think back when this was originally written it would have helped a lot of people because they would have never thought or heard about identity, gender stereotypes, and marriage expectations. But, hearing it today makes it feel awkward, ignorant, and confusing. So, just pass on this one unless you have never read or thought about any of these topics ever. Like maybe if you're a generic machismo guy who is about to get married and wants to start understanding how to really connect with his wife then MAYBE this is an okay starting place. But, really just go elsewhere.

[Steven Myers · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author managed to impart an elevated perspective on relationships, as if raising the reader up into the air to allow a much bigger picture of the most valuable life relations. Though he gave the impression that his personal perspective is based an a spiritual outlook, the content of the book relied on a convergence of mainstream psychological research, clinical observations and application of historically successful precedents. Healthy, sexual intimacy was presented as a fruit on the nurtured tree of a mature, committed and benevolent relationship that serves as a source of strength and fulfillment for each partner and as a foundation of a sound-minded family. This was contrasted by the shallow, self-serving counterfeit for which this potential is frequently squandered. People in amorous relations of any age group will benefit by considering the perspective presented in this book.

[Praiseworthy Pursuits · Rating 3 out of 5]

Solid and reliable concepts but a bit bland to read. I preferred "The 5 Love Languages" since it contains more true accounts and metaphors that make the concepts more tangible and interesting. If you're looking for a more scholarly approach, citing research studies and statistics, this book should fit the bill. Furthermore, the perspective and ultimate conclusions of the author, though soundly deduced are refreshingly conservative.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book. It's a pretty short and easy read. So many people view intimacy as mainly sex, and I've seen it cause a lot of marital problems. I'm always telling people that intimacy begins with communication. This book was very validating to me and I loved it. I felt like standing up and giving an "AMEN!" after every paragraph. I feel like every couple, married or considering it, should read this book.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty dated, obviously late 70's early 80's, but the principles are eternal. We all seek intimacy with others, and do whatever it takes to get it. Intimacy is true connection with others, parents with their children, friends with one another, husbands and wives, sweethearts, even mere acquaintances seek it from each other because we all crave human connection!

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

While ostensibly backed by solid research and extensive experience, I found too many of the arguments and assertions not to be based on solid reasoning. There were several good points made throughout the book, but too much simply did not resonate. The perspectives shared by the author feel fairly reflective of the culture and time in which he lived, and not so broad or timeless.

[Melinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good. Only drawback is I'm reading it in 2016, when a lot of the family intimacy he's trying to encourage has already been lost. It was written in 1981. I'm in a stable, hard-working, happy marriage; I feel even more like an endangered species.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a long book, yet packed into its pages is a lot of experience, setting the record straight that indulgence leads to the sorrow of loneliness rather than happiness. During the first part of the book, I copied out a few of the things that I especially liked. For the rest, you will need to read the book yourself. (It's not that long.)

As a clinical worker, he is familiar with the research on marriage and relationships. He found that sociological researchers often fail to capture information about good marriages, and thus their conclusions are pessimistic and give a severely slanted view of what marriage is and ought to be.

"Those looking for easy recipes for intimacy will be disappointed. This is not a marriage handbook, nor a handy 10 step guide to fulfilling friendship, and not a weekend change your life program." (Page XV)

"My experience suggests that intimacy has two main components: Risk and commitment." (page 12)

"The pioneering psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud is an example. Much of his work, though presented as science, was actually creative and literary. Biographer Peter Drucker point out that 'Freud was deeply hurt by any hint that his theory was poetry and not science ... [yet] Freud was a very great artist, probably the greatest writer of German prose in this century.' Drucker also quotes novelist Thomas Mann, who on Freud's 80th birthday call psychoanalysis 'the greatest contribution to the art of the novel.' Another biographer, Frank Soloway, recently presented the troubling proposition that the theories of psychoanalysis may be 'the most stupendous intellectual confidence trick of the 20th century.'" (Page 19)

"The same reservations hold as we contemplate the influential philosophers and sevens who shaped the scientific method and educational process that has molded the current educational behavioral scientist. Many of those philosophers, eloquently constructing models for life's meaning, were unable to establish healthy, intimate relationships in their own lives. ...Their disservice to us is not that they were troubled or aloof but that they – or their disciples – implied they knew something which, in fact, they did not. With finite ideas, which even that their finite experience contradicted, they tried to overturn the infinite." (Page 20)

"Any relationship that can be 'terminated' just 'like any friendship' is not very satisfactory even as a definition of friendship. It certainly has no legal and cultural standing as a definition of marriage. Marriage is formal, exclusive, and intended to endure." (Page 21)

That is not all this book has to offer, but for the rest of it, I just enjoyed reading without taking notes. Perhaps the most important point is that intimacy is much more than sexual. A sexual relation without truly caring for the other person is hollow. That is pale satisfaction compared with the deeper and broader joy of a deeply committed caring relationship.

[Judie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've had this book since it was published in 1981. I decided to read it again to see whether or not I would keep it. . . and I will. It deals with the realities and illusions of human intimacy and sexuality. "Reality is the process of identifying consequences while illusion is the process or ignoring consequences, denying them, or misinterpreting them. Realities of human intimacy are love, trust, service, sacrifice, and discipline." "Many people cling to their illusions. . . but their ability to deny consequences does not prevent the existence of those consequences." "This universal human need (intimacy) is so powerful that we are vulnerable to deception."

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is definitely one I'll have to read again to make all the connections.

I enjoyed seeing intimacy being talked about in general terms as opening up our "real" selves to other people. It made it easier to apply these thoughts to all relationships, not just those that are sexual (which I think is how intimacy is most often perceived).

One point that really struck me was about gender roles. The author wrote about how we often relate specific behaviors/attitudes to being male or female. However, we should view them as traits for human beings and not linked to a specific gender.

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a "modernized" edition of the original, but still 20 years old or so. This book really got me thinking and self-analyzing. It really helped me understand some of my hang-ups and strengths. I'm reading the original now, and I'm still struck at the importance of learning how to relate to other human beings, and look beyond the outer trappings and social prejudices, and to really be human.

[VeeDawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Reality is the process of identifying consequences while illusion is the process or ignoring consequences, denying them, or misinterpreting them. Realities of human intimacy are love, trust, service, sacrifice, and discipline." "Many people cling to their illusions. . . but their ability to deny consequences does not prevent the existence of those consequences." "This universal human need (intimacy) is so powerful that we are vulnerable to deception."

[Allyson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful about husband-wife relationships. Informative, interesting, and intelligent.

[Franziska · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love psychological books on marriage and relationships. This is a great read, with great insights and interesting research.

[Ford Locey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book held the key I had been searching for for a long time. I have struggled with relationships my entire life. This book taught me how to relate to people in meaningful ways.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books. Gives one a foundational understanding of the several stages of life and how intimacy is core necessity to each stage. Brilliant! I've read it twice.

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

Offers great insights into Christian marriage

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful, made me really think. Reading this book will improve my relationships with others.

[Peachy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little dated, especially in the examples, but it has a lot of insight to offer. I read it recently after a gap of over twenty years, and I still find much that is valid.

[Rommel]

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