The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers

by Wendy Mogel

New York Times bestselling author, internationally known clinical psychologist, and lecturer Wendy Mogel returns with a revelatory new book on parenting teenagers.

Mogel’s sage advice on parenting young children has struck a chord with thousands of readers and made her one of today’s most trusted parenting authorities. Now, in a long-awaited follow-up, Mogel addresses the question she hears most what to do when those children become teenagers, when their sense of independence and entitlement grows, the pressure to compete and succeed skyrockets, and communication becomes fraught with obstacles?

With her warmth, wit, and signature combination of Jewish teachings and psychological research, Mogel helps parents to ably navigate the often rough journey through the teenage years and guide children to becoming confident, resilient young adults. By viewing the frustrating and worrisome elements of adolescence as 'blessings,' Mogel reveals that they are in fact necessary steps in psychological growth and character development to be met with faith, detachment, and a sense of humor rather than over-involvement and anxiety. Mogel gives parents the tools to do so and offers reassuring spiritual and ethical advice on

• why influence is more effective than control.

• teenage narcissism.

• living graciously with rudeness.

• the value of ordinary work.

• why risk is essential preparation for the post–high school years.

• when to step in and when to step back.

• a sanctified approach to sex and substances.

An important and inspiring book that will fortify parents through the teenage years, The Blessing of a B Minus is itself a blessing.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education, Psychology, Jewish, Self Help, Judaica

208 pages, Hardcover

First published October 12, 2010

About the author

Wendy Mogel, PhD is the author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children published by Charles Scribner's Sons in 2001. Mogel is a nationally known speaker and author who looks at every day parenting problems through the lens of the Torah, the Talmud, and important Jewish teachings.

Mogel graduated from Middlebury College and completed an Internship and Post-Doctoral Fellowship in the Department of Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. She is co-founder of the Los Angeles Association of Independent School Counselors and serves on the boards of the Center for Early Education and the Counsel for Spiritual and Ethical Education.

Mogel lives in Los Angeles with her husband, writer Michael Tolkin, and their two daughters, Susanna and Emma. On October 1, 2006, the New York Times published a profile of Mogel and her work.

Reviews

[Annie Bentley Waddoups · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have children between 11 and 20 (or if you plan on your kids reaching those ages, for that matter), go get this book right now. Mogel's take on parenting teens is compassionate,wise, and inspired. Much like her earlier book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, which was geared toward parents of younger children, Mogel draws from her understanding of Jewish teachings to reframe some of the challenges children face (and the associated frustrations of parenting them) into blessings.

In The Blessing of a B Minus, Mogel reminds us of, among others:
~The blessing of strange fruit: Accepting the unique glory of your teen
~The blessing of a B minus: The real lessons of homework, chores, and jobs
~The blessing of problems to solve: Learning from bad judgment and stress
~The blessing of breaking the rules: Real life as ethics lab

Am I Jewish? No. But the ideas that Mogel discusses are universal and accessible for all. For example, she uses the story of the Israelites' wandering in the desert with Moses, noting that the presence of God was a "'pillar of cloud by day...and a pillar of fire by night.' This beautiful image is a model for parents whose children are wandering in the wilderness of adolescence. Like God, you stand by, providing shade and light when needed, but mostly you stand back. You wait to see if your child can solve problems on his own before stepping in; you let him experience the natural consequences of his poor decisions; and you give him the freedom to make mistakes, even big ones."

As the parent of three children (12, 14, 17) it's a great relief to read such a wonderful book that eases some of the anxieties we parents face during this stage of parenting. As a doctoral student studying parenting and child development, I'm just a little jealous I didn't write this!

[Arryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book intrigued me. What, I asked myself, is the blessing in a B minus? Other chapter headings include "The Blessing of a Bad Attitude," "The Blessing of a Lost Sweater," "The Blessing of Staying Up Late," and so forth. The author manages to find a bright side to many of the frustrations of parenting teens. She emphasizes how important it is to let them fail and learn from their mistakes now rather than later in life when the stakes are so much higher. This book was a good reminder for me to allow my teens a little more freedom and to help them navigate the natural consequences of their choices. Based on Jewish principles, Vogel's ideas rang true with the exception of the last chapter, "The Blessing of a Hangover." Even then, though, I totally see where she's coming from. By the end of the book, I felt validated in so many ways and I was more appreciative than ever of my five wonderfully imperfect children.

[Gloria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, I'm struggling with my own issues when it comes to living with an adolescent who is so unlike me… and so I have been seeking self-help/parenting books. Of the two that I have read/listened to, this one resonants with me the most. I thought her first book _Blessings of a Skinned Knee_ lovely (read as part of a parenting book club), but this one speaks more directly to me and my issues.

Similar to _Parenting From the Inside Out_ in many ways, it really does address the issues of parents' expectation (what am I bringing to this relationship, what is my part of all of this) which is helpful. Especially when I do really have two great kids, and I need to have the confidence in them that they have absorbed what it is that we have been trying to teach them. Just like my day job, I can teach, but it is up to them to learn… practice… absorb.

And so I learn again this lesson of letting go. And this book is a lovely way to be reminded.

[Emily Loomis Cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

An older parenting book but still full of great reminders about fostering independence and making mistakes.

(Funny to read this so close to “anxious generation” which was a fear-based parenting book while this is a very reassuring parenting book!)

[Sheila · Rating 4 out of 5]

Words of wisdom from a funny woman. I loved Skinned Knee and this one was almost as good. My favorite take away is an umbrella thought: our children, at all ages, need to see and believe that we believe in them. That we trust in them to try, to fail, to succeed. That we aren't always afraid. That we believe they are capable, more than capable. How can they believe it if they don't believe that we do? Stop doing for your kids (I'm talking to myself here) and show them that you believe they can do it. You can do it! Oh, and they should get jobs, be bad now and again, safely experiment and b minuses are perfect if that is what they earned.

[Milton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A important book to all of those who are teen's parents or are going to be in the near future. Tip and tricks of how to deal with misbehavior, profanity, laziness, and distance most if not all teens express to their parents. Wendy Mogel does a great storytelling but at the same time explains professionally why we have to constrain of confronting our teens but keeping basic core rules. A must if you have a boy or girl in this journey: Puberty.

[Jordana Horn Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wendy Mogel, you are super smart and kind. I hope I can be a tenth of the parent you are!

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a teacher of early teens, I thought I could find some nuggets to improve my teaching and my understanding of my students. And maybe I've found a few, but I realize that I don't have enough time with my students to pursue many of these strategies. 2 hours per week and 2 dozen students. Impossible!

[StMargarets · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much I went out and bought it. As my son approaches high school graduation, I can honestly say that Mogel's commonsense philosophy and reassuring words helped me keep my sanity these past two years.

I first found this book when I googled "overparenting." I realized I had a problem when I was more worried about my son's grades than he was. This book explained a lot about what teenagers are experiencing now in school and how over protective, interfering parents can make it worse.

So how to let go? Realize it's (it's = failing a test, sleeping late, forgetting stuff, defiance, etc ) part of the process of growing up. Mogel takes you through what's normal and what's not and how to deal with it.

Even though I'm not Jewish, I enjoyed her explanations of Jewish rituals and teachings and how she used them for metaphors to describe what's happening to teens.

This book is full of heart and feels like a good friend who is giving you good advice because she's been there, done that.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book just before I read the "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" and I could not have had 2 books more opposite!
I have told many of mom friends about this book. I found most of the book practical and very useful. I really liked the approach the author used Jewish beliefs and applied those practices to teens. I am not Jewish but found the book made sense. I am actually feeling just a LITTLE more confident (or at least understand a little better!) as my daughter moves into her teen years.

[Nmuller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. Our church used her first book. "Blessings of a Skinned Knee" years ago, and I have had this one on my to-read list for some time.

Wendy Mogel calms my parenting brain, and she reminds me how much I love my kids. Both on the days when they are lovely and sweet, and also on the days when they are stubborn and well, stupid. Her words help me remember that these little people are wonderful works in process, and there really is a method to their madness. If I could meet her, I would give her the biggest hug of thanks.

[Jennings · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not Jewish but this is genuinely one of the best parenting books I've ever read. Parenting teenagers is scary and hard and you constantly question yourself about whether you're doing the right thing. There are so many new challenges and every day they are finding new ways to become more independent. So I take a big deep breath and dive back into this book when I need to find some calm, sensible advice. Highly recommend to everyone navigating the teenage years

[Laura Lawlor · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone trying to navigate the tween and teen wolf stages of their offspring!
Also the prequel: Blessings of a Skinned Knee should be on every parent's bedside table.
You don't have to be Jewish to love these books...sound, non-sectarian advice for floundering and frustrated parents.

[Jane]

Well, now that my boy will s nearly 12, this was more relevant. Sensible advice, nothing new.

This seems really good, but it's definitely about teenagers. I'll put it away for 2 more years at least.

[Vicki · Rating 5 out of 5]

My new bible! Great practice advice for the stage of parenting I'm in now. And bonus: I'm not doing everything wrong!!

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book 10 years ago. It would have helped me so much with setting boundaries with everyone, which is a skill I certainly need to work on.

[Melody Warnick · Rating 4 out of 5]

The upshot of this warm, wise book: "Chill out, it'll all be okay."

[A.J. Rubineau · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book Challenge: #7 The Blessing of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers, by Wendy Mogul
Paperback, thrifted at Renaissance Cote-des-Neiges.

This was a lazy Shabbat read of a book I came across during a thrifting trip that also scored me a lovely little white and blue ramekin. I expect I'll use what I learned in the book about as much as I'll use the new ramekin, which is a little bit, on and off, from time to time. My favorite part of the book was learning several new blessings to add to my repertoire, including the opening gem "Baruch b'al milchamot" - Blessed is the one who engages in battle! This should be given to parents at their kids' bar and bat mitzvah celebrations, to help gird their loins for what lies ahead.

Some section titles as well made me chuckle: The Blessing of a Strange Fruit, In Praise of Wasted Time, and Give Them Good Suffering. I also appreciated being reminded of Timothy Leary's 1964 wisdom on "Set and Setting" regarding psychoactive substances. It's worth revisiting that conversation with my 14, 17, and 21yo kids even now.

But sadly, the book is not ageing well. It's distressingly heteronormative, with only passing attention paid to LGBTQ+ issues, and none of those through a Jewish lens. Furthermore, the author uses a disappointing number of gendered assumptions, including referencing "women and girls who suffer from anorexia nervosa" (implying that *only* females experience anorexia nervosa, when we know that up to 10% of those with anorexia identify as male, even in the early to mid 2000s when this was written).

I'm glad I read it, but I don't feel any need to keep it on my shelf. I'm happy to pass it along!

#55booksin2023
#sevendownfortyeighttogo

[Naomi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Living with a teenager can be an emotional roller coaster, so as soon as a friend mentioned that Wendy Mogel had a book about it, I had to read it. I found it very helpful in terms of understanding what behavior is normal and how best to respond to it, what to do to temper her sense of entitlement, how involved to get with school and homework, and how to live with communication struggles. Generally, Mogel thinks parents should not overreact or worry, and should continue listening and trying to shape as much as they can without helicopter parenting. Emotional days, rude comments, etc. are all part of the game.

On rude comments: “They aren’t thinking about the impact of their behavior or the implications of their words on you (your self-consciousness about your hair, your cooking skill, your parental worthiness); they are telling you about themselves (their easy embarrassment, their finicky and rapidly changing teenage palate, their low mood at the moment).”

“In the world of teenagers, being spacey is normal. Lack of imagination about the consequences of one’s actions is normal. Shifting enthusiasms are normal. Terrible boredom with you is normal. Your child’s conviction that it is a tragedy of earth-shattering proportions that she has been born into the wrong family (so strict! so boring! so ordinary! so lacking in compassion!) is normal. Your daughter’s endless dramas and urgent demands are normal. Your son’s preoccupation with food fights and barfing is normal. Your child sullenly reminding you that Natalie and Natasha and Nora all have parents who are more understanding and cooler than you are is normal.”

[William Shieber · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you are an upper middle class parent (particularly an upper middle class reform Jewish parent from California) with normal upper middle class teenagers having normal upper middle class teenage experiences, but no significant problems, this book is for you. For the rest of us, look elsewhere.

For example, the blessing of a B minus incident involves a smart kid who blows off a research project and gets a B minus. The smart kid learns that he has to take research projects more seriously and gets a much better grade on the next research assignment. Hurrah! But that's no good for the parents of kids who can only achieve a B minus because of more serious issues. You also get the kid whose parents get her a silver BMW, and are upset because she wanted a blue car, even if its not a BMW -- not a problem in most neighborhoods.

As a member of the tribe, I should probably dock the book an extra star for attempting to add depth to its analysis by referencing a different Jewish concept or belief in each chapter, but I want to avoid speaking lashon hara. (See, it really is easy.)

[Adam Housley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw Wendy speak at a conference and did not hesitate to pick up all of her books. As a dad of two (soon to be three) teenagers, I started with The Blessing of a B Minus. As an educator, I am all too familiar with the parenting traps Mogel discusses, and I found myself nodding my head throughout. As a father, I enjoyed her examples and general advice to parents. While I imagine parents fighting some of the battles she mentions will find her advice overly simplified, I find it realistic and welcoming! Lastly, don't let the Jewish Teachings part scare you off; Mogel is certainly informed on how Jewish tradition supports her parenting philosophy and not afraid to share her examples, she does not beat her readers over the head with the Torah. As a Christian, I appreciated her understanding of Judaism and ability to apply it to how she parents.

[Ann Bickel · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the beginning of the book, the author tells a story about how she remembered all of their drinking glasses accumulating in her teen daughter's bedroom. I assumed this was a personal problem. The next week, I opened my son's bedroom and saw several empty water bottles on the floor, a bowl and spoon, and a drinking glass or two. I was thinking, "I am reading the right book!" Haha! What timing. The water bottles
Have continued to accumulate but I feel more prepared to handle the conversations and tension that happen with my teen. This is such a good resource and reminds me of what teens are really going through and why they might behave the way that they do- as well as how I can respond and be present for him.

[Diane Zwang · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of my friends was reading this book and since I have a teenager I thought I would give it a try. I liked Wendy's writing style and her take on parenting. She is very practical which I appreciate. I particularly liked the chapter The Blessing of a Bad attitude: Living Graciously with the Chronically Rude. I deal with eye rolling often. Much of her parenting advice aligned with my style of parenting. Some chapters were not applicable to my teen, yet. I found that I could not read this book at night before bed, it was not relaxing. But I did feel a sense of community in reading the book, I am not alone in my angst with my teenager.

[Shea Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful like her book for parenting younger children called Blessings of a Skinned Knee. Mogel is hopeful and helpful covering topics like chores, jobs, attitudes, materialism, and consequences. She sees a b minus, a lost item, or any other problem as a blessing on the journey from teen to young adult. She stresses the importance of calm authority, honoring your child’s natural abilities and limitations, not confusing your own problems with your teen’s, avoiding comparing, requiring assistance from your teen, being empathetic without being entangled, and providing space for teens to be exactly that. She emphasizes finding delight in your teen!

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this during Thanksgiving break, when I was spending a lot of time with my teenagers and feeling some frustrations with some of their behaviors. I felt like the first couple of chapters especially were helpful in reassuring me that teenagers by nature are unpredictable, focused on their needs and wants above others', and needing to figure out their place in the world. As with most books like this, it's not rocket science, but there are a few helpful sections about how we can appreciate our teens and focus on listening to them rather than needing to have all the answers, etc.

[Jenny Wheelbarrow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoy this author's approach to parenting using Jewish teachings. You could in some ways replace Jewish with other faiths. I will revisit this as the teen years come. For the lay reader it reminds you of where your children are developmentally without citing theory. Her advice gives you permission to parent your child to match where they are and remind you to not take it personally while explaining why the teen years can be (don't have to be) so hard.

Great book.

[Maggie Swider · Rating 4 out of 5]

I previously read The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, an appreciated Dr. Mogel’s thoughtful approach. This came at a perfect time with 2 in high school, and how parenting changes with teens as they are changing. The advice is wise - between the author’s professional experience, her own parenting experience, and a religious perspective. I am not Jewish, but could relate to and appreciate that aspect of the book.

[Trish Boese · Rating 4 out of 5]

4* This was a good read. The author, like me, dreamed of a well-ordered life with secure, helpful, tall and charming teenagers. Rather I was reminded that my teenagers' brains are in a kind of wild developmental state. What feels like narcissism is in fact pretty normal for a teenager whose job right now is figuring out who they are and learning to find practical outlets for their God-given passions.

[Dustin · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I found her first book to be incomparably good, I still valued this second work. The inclusion of Jewish wisdom and principles was refreshing and worthy of consideration even for those of non-Jewish or no faith. Definitely worth the time for any parent, especially those staring the teen years in the face!

[Wendy Churchill · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most useful part to me with now grown children was the first chapter (or two). All about letting go. It was a good reminder and gave me a lot of peace of mind. The rest was more adolescent focussed and things I hadn't really had to face. But what a good reminder those first 30 pages were. Thank you!