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Instead: Navigating the Adventures of a Childfree Life - A Memoir
A compelling memoir about opting for adventure instead of motherhood, and the lifelong outcomes of that choice. Instead captures Maria Coffey’s adventurous life through her biggest decisions along the way, including the decision not to have children. It’s a vivid travelogue, a love story, and a personal commentary on the risks and rewards of choosing unconventional paths. After two traumatic experiences during her twenties – a near-drowning in Morocco and her boyfriend’s death on Mount Everest – Maria determines to seize every day and explore the world. Mixed with her desire for freedom is a new fear of loss, which convinces her against parenthood. She falls in love with Dag, who shares her dreams, and they begin creating a life of adventure. There is one he wants children and thinks they could include them in their wild exploits. Instead follows Maria’s trajectory as she shares her guilt-ridden relationship with her Irish Catholic mother; her baby debates with Dag in unlikely situations, like kayaking through a storm; the doubts that rear up in remote cultures where her childfree choice is unfathomable; and how children eventually – and surprisingly – come into her life. An adventure story with a unique twist, Instead tackles the universal themes of choice and consequence, agency versus fate. It is a must read for anyone curious about stepping off the beaten track, and a testament to the power of being open to the unexpected.
304 pages, Paperback
Published October 3, 2023
52 people are currently reading
1085 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
October 14, 2023
Instead tracks Maria Coffey’s adventurous life and her decision not to have children amid both external and internal pressures. A masterful storyteller, Coffey grants her readers a compelling and honest look at the factors that bring her to this decision time and again, as well as the benefits and consequences of choosing the “childfree” life. A beautifully written memoir, Instead also reflects on how we choose a lover and lifestyle, the complexities of intergenerational relationships, and the meaning of motherhood itself. This is a powerful book for anyone who has contemplated their own unpopular choices or wants a glimpse down a road not travelled.
December 29, 2023
Book really grew on me. It was always an interesting and fast read, but, at first, it seemed to be more about the men in Coffey's life than anything else. But as Maria and Dag settle into their childless marriage, their adventures lead them to become more outwardly focused. The memoir truly dismantles that old hare-brained notion that a woman without kids is selfish. Childfree lives can allow you to build community in lasting and meaningful ways outside of nuclear family structures.
Also: Don't let the title fool you. It has a self-helpy kind of ring, but it's a memoir for sure. And wonderfully written.
Also: Don't let the title fool you. It has a self-helpy kind of ring, but it's a memoir for sure. And wonderfully written.
February 3, 2024
An incredible life, narrated with honest reflection and high skill. A book to re-read in a few years! Also - the book is so much more than what the title/subtitle suggest
November 2, 2023
lovely memoir
A well written memoir, meaningful and deep. I couldn’t put it down. I appreciate her candor and willingness to put those feelings onto paper so that someone like me can see the similarities between us. Yet love the difference.
A well written memoir, meaningful and deep. I couldn’t put it down. I appreciate her candor and willingness to put those feelings onto paper so that someone like me can see the similarities between us. Yet love the difference.
January 14, 2024
A new author to me (heard her on CBC radio last year) that chose to travel the world with her devoted and equally adventurous husband instead of getting saddled with kids. Amazing trips and explorations abound, beautifully described making you want to retrace some of her journeys. The part that turned me off is when Maria and her husband go to Vietnam and try to “rescue” two Vietnamese street children which in the end comes off as a gullible half-hearted attempt of white people trying to act as world saviours.
January 20, 2025
The kayak adventures aspect of this book were interesting. I also enjoyed reading a bit about their elephant conservation and local support. However, I picked it up because of the title theme about being childless and didn’t feel that it addressed it so well. It seemed like a misaligned add-on theme.
March 31, 2024
I couldn’t put it down. It puts words to so many complex feelings about the decision to not have children. Almost more importantly, it’s a page turner that follows Maria’s incredible adventures across the world. Funny, captivating, and a reminder of the importance of community.
June 7, 2024
This book meant a lot to me as I chart my future. I loved that the final lesson in this book came down to the fact that there are many lives one can live well, and there are many ways to create a family—and no matter what direction you go, you go fearlessly.
April 16, 2024
Upon picking up this book, I found myself unable to put it down. Maria's candid storytelling of her tumultuous relationship with her working-class Catholic mother, her worldwide adventures, and her unsuccessful attempt of communal cohousing captivated me from start to finish.
What I found most inspiring was Maria's late start. She worked a regular job as a high school teacher after college, and her initial deviations from the conventional path seemed to be driven by romantic relationships: writing a book to memorialize a boyfriend who went missing during an Everest adventure, and working as a nanny just to stay in Canada to be with her boyfriend, who later became her husband. Until her late 30s, her life trajectory didn't seem too much different from most of ours. When she embarked on her first round-the-world tour to explore the world herself, she was already 39. This revelation left me feeling inspired and reassured that it's never too late to start anew.
While reading the book, I stumbled upon a podcast episode discussing a historical novel centered around Thomas Cromwell and Henry VIII. After ten or so minutes of listening, I questioned why I should care about historical intrigues when there are countless wonders waiting to be explored around the globe, much like Maria did. I may not need to kayak in the Solomon Islands or the Ganges as she did, but I certainly have more engaging matters to focus on than political machinations.
Throughout the narrative, Maria reflects on her choice to remain childless, citing reasons such as separation anxiety, love for the freelance photographer/writer/adventurer lifestyle, advancing age, financial constraints, and the need for space and freedom to seize opportunities. Initially, I was unconvinced. Is that all? But perhaps societal norms have limited my imagination. Maybe these reasons are sufficient. That being said, However, Maria wrote this book as a personal memoir and did not delve into childlessness by choice as a culture trend. Readers seeking a more in-depth discussion on this topic may be disappointed.
However, Maria's story stands as a testament to the fact that a childless individual can still cultivate meaningful relationships and find fulfillment in life. This lesson is the true takeaway for those who ponder on the question of having children.
What I found most inspiring was Maria's late start. She worked a regular job as a high school teacher after college, and her initial deviations from the conventional path seemed to be driven by romantic relationships: writing a book to memorialize a boyfriend who went missing during an Everest adventure, and working as a nanny just to stay in Canada to be with her boyfriend, who later became her husband. Until her late 30s, her life trajectory didn't seem too much different from most of ours. When she embarked on her first round-the-world tour to explore the world herself, she was already 39. This revelation left me feeling inspired and reassured that it's never too late to start anew.
While reading the book, I stumbled upon a podcast episode discussing a historical novel centered around Thomas Cromwell and Henry VIII. After ten or so minutes of listening, I questioned why I should care about historical intrigues when there are countless wonders waiting to be explored around the globe, much like Maria did. I may not need to kayak in the Solomon Islands or the Ganges as she did, but I certainly have more engaging matters to focus on than political machinations.
Throughout the narrative, Maria reflects on her choice to remain childless, citing reasons such as separation anxiety, love for the freelance photographer/writer/adventurer lifestyle, advancing age, financial constraints, and the need for space and freedom to seize opportunities. Initially, I was unconvinced. Is that all? But perhaps societal norms have limited my imagination. Maybe these reasons are sufficient. That being said, However, Maria wrote this book as a personal memoir and did not delve into childlessness by choice as a culture trend. Readers seeking a more in-depth discussion on this topic may be disappointed.
However, Maria's story stands as a testament to the fact that a childless individual can still cultivate meaningful relationships and find fulfillment in life. This lesson is the true takeaway for those who ponder on the question of having children.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 30, 2024
From the vantage point of later life, the travel writer Maria Coffey reflects in this memoir on her adventures, as well as taking a nuanced look at her decision to remain childfree. And what a trip this book takes us on! Reading Maria's travels makes you realise how little of the world most of us ever experience. Right from her earliest trips as a hitch-hiking student or first round-the-world tour in a kayak, you know that you're in for quite the ride. However, some sombre moments are interspersed - including Maria nearly drowning in Morocco and losing her mountaineering boyfriend on Everest.
Both of these events impact Maria profoundly - giving her the determination to grab life, but also instilling a fear of loss. This nudges her towards the decision to remain childfree - even after she moves to Canada and meets the love of her life, Dag. He wants a big family and the couple spend several years weighing this up (contradicting the stereotype that little thought goes into the childfree choice). But Dag's a free spirit too and eventually comes to accept that their adventurous life isn't suited to raising kids and, instead, they set up a travel company. A complication in all of this is Maria's difficult relationship with her parents - bewildered by her need for freedom and desperately wanting her to settle down.
But rather than Maria necessarily rejecting the idea of creating a family, she chose instead to create freedom - a space that enabled her to be spontaneous and daring. It's not impossible to reconcile those two goals, but it's incredibly difficult, with inevitable compromises. The book therefore doesn't conclude with regret - it's an insightful acceptance that a choice was made, closing off other potential routes (ones that were no better and no worse - just different). Maria accepts that in this lifetime, this was the decision she made - and she certainly chased the advantages it offered her.
Both of these events impact Maria profoundly - giving her the determination to grab life, but also instilling a fear of loss. This nudges her towards the decision to remain childfree - even after she moves to Canada and meets the love of her life, Dag. He wants a big family and the couple spend several years weighing this up (contradicting the stereotype that little thought goes into the childfree choice). But Dag's a free spirit too and eventually comes to accept that their adventurous life isn't suited to raising kids and, instead, they set up a travel company. A complication in all of this is Maria's difficult relationship with her parents - bewildered by her need for freedom and desperately wanting her to settle down.
But rather than Maria necessarily rejecting the idea of creating a family, she chose instead to create freedom - a space that enabled her to be spontaneous and daring. It's not impossible to reconcile those two goals, but it's incredibly difficult, with inevitable compromises. The book therefore doesn't conclude with regret - it's an insightful acceptance that a choice was made, closing off other potential routes (ones that were no better and no worse - just different). Maria accepts that in this lifetime, this was the decision she made - and she certainly chased the advantages it offered her.
November 5, 2023
Many people dream of leading a life of freedom and adventure but lack the time, guts or opportunity to make it a reality. Maria Coffey has taken life by the reins and packed countless adventures into her 70 years. In her deeply reflective and personal memoir Instead, Maria explores what remains a somewhat taboo and widely misunderstood subject: women who dare to choose travel, adventure and freedom over motherhood. Maria makes no apologies for the beautiful path she has taken and invites the reader to experience the losses and gains of a life well lived. By creating meaningful connections with people around the world, she has redefined notions of community, family and motherhood. Instead reminds us that ultimately what matters most is that we create a well-intentioned life with few regrets rather than give in to the pressures of societal expectations. This well-crafted memoir is a must-read for anyone who has wondered what their life might have been had they paved a different path.—Lisa Duncan, author of Chasing Africa: Fear Won’t Find Me Here
September 20, 2025
I really enjoyed reading this book.
Would've been 5 stars if not for the white saviour moments in Vietnam and Kenya. I realise these things happened in different eras, when a 60s hippie may have really believed she could save the world by adopting two kids and funding one to go to university. But being published in the modern era, these experiences could've used a bit of critical reflection.
There was some kind of melancholy undertone to this book that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The author had a few major traumas in her early 20s-- nearly drowning, and losing a partner to a mountaineering accident. Throughout the book it felt like something awful was going to happen again. Perhaps this is due to repeated expressions of regret around not having children. As someone who picked up this book due to being childfree by choice, these feelings of remorse were wholly unrelatable.
Would've been 5 stars if not for the white saviour moments in Vietnam and Kenya. I realise these things happened in different eras, when a 60s hippie may have really believed she could save the world by adopting two kids and funding one to go to university. But being published in the modern era, these experiences could've used a bit of critical reflection.
There was some kind of melancholy undertone to this book that I couldn't quite put my finger on. The author had a few major traumas in her early 20s-- nearly drowning, and losing a partner to a mountaineering accident. Throughout the book it felt like something awful was going to happen again. Perhaps this is due to repeated expressions of regret around not having children. As someone who picked up this book due to being childfree by choice, these feelings of remorse were wholly unrelatable.
March 2, 2024
There were lots of anecdotes in this book relevant to Maria's decision not to have kids - for example, the interactions with her mother and the meaningful relationships Maria formed with people younger than herself who were not her own children. However, I wish there was more in this book about how these things made her feel. Often she would tell a very moving anecdote and I was left wondering how she'd personally interpreted and thought about it. I think if I got more of that, it would've been closer to 5* for me - though this may just be my personal preference!
Aside from that one tiny thing, wow, this book made me emotional many many times. What incredibly compelling and heart-wrenching stories she has to tell.
Aside from that one tiny thing, wow, this book made me emotional many many times. What incredibly compelling and heart-wrenching stories she has to tell.
August 21, 2024
I very much enjoyed Coffey’s memoir and reflections on remaining childless. She’s achieved a nice balance: telling her life story from childhood to the present moment, weaving in the events that have shaped her decision. At first I thought it was unusual to have that as a theme of a memoir that spans her life, but was amazed at how child-centric both our own and the other cultures that she encounters on her travels are; everybody wanted to know when she was going to have kids. She’s also achieved balance between relating her adventures, which are amazing, and the other aspects of her life: writing, her relationship with her parents, etc. Recommended for those who have read some of her books and want to learn more about her life, which has been very interesting indeed.
April 30, 2024
This was recommended to me by a friend and I must not have been paying attention when she described it bc this book was nothing like what I expected. Which is to say, it was a really fascinating read with some relevant elements regarding childfree life but Maria's adventurous life is what kept me turning the pages. Also I loved that they're based in BC (my beautiful home province). I couldn't put the book down and I really admire Maria & Dag's incredible adventures, even if my own childfree life is happily a bit less bold.
November 6, 2023
I’d recommend Instead to people who are childfree, but also to people who have children.
There’s so much to enjoy about Instead: travelling to remote places in the 80s and 90s; dealing with parents’ expectations; the sacrifices and compromises of relationships; growing up and growing older; as well as dealing with the consequences of our decisions without regret, but at the same time opening ourselves up to “counterfactual curiosity”.
There’s so much to enjoy about Instead: travelling to remote places in the 80s and 90s; dealing with parents’ expectations; the sacrifices and compromises of relationships; growing up and growing older; as well as dealing with the consequences of our decisions without regret, but at the same time opening ourselves up to “counterfactual curiosity”.
February 9, 2024
What a beautiful memoir. An incredible writer - I highlighted numerous sections as I read. I feel as though I can see parts of me in some of her stories as a 36-year-old woman who has travelled the world, writes about it, and is now grappling with the same decision Coffey did at this age. It makes you feel not as alone to hear of someone else's choice and how they built a beautiful life (child-free or not). Will be looking to her other books to read them as well.
March 16, 2024
Maria had 2 traumatic experiences in her 20’s, almost drowned and boyfriend’s death on Mount Everest. She falls in love with Dag, ( love that name) and together they live life to the fullest, traveling the world.
“ book seem to take awhile to read but liked reading about how they kayaked everywhere, sleeping on beaches along the way and different remote cultures they encountered, storms, which was my favourite part of the book.
I found it hard to rate.
So give it a 3 1/2 stars.
“ book seem to take awhile to read but liked reading about how they kayaked everywhere, sleeping on beaches along the way and different remote cultures they encountered, storms, which was my favourite part of the book.
I found it hard to rate.
So give it a 3 1/2 stars.
April 19, 2024
Both a fascinating account of a life full of adventure and travel, as well as a thought provoking account on life with or without children. This book illustrates how we all make choices, often life altering ones. It's about following your heart and living life to its fullest but also about living with the consequences. A great read for those who are growing older.. a reflection on making a difference to others while giving meaning to your time on earth.
Loved it.
Loved it.
December 23, 2023
Absolutely beautiful. A complex and nuanced take on what it means to choose an unconventional life. Beyond inspiring.
Her insights on why it means to choose a path other than biological motherhood are incredible. But an added joy was reading about all her amazing travels by kayak. I learned so much about so many beautiful places in the world!
One of my favorite reads this year.
Her insights on why it means to choose a path other than biological motherhood are incredible. But an added joy was reading about all her amazing travels by kayak. I learned so much about so many beautiful places in the world!
One of my favorite reads this year.
October 9, 2025
This book is beautifully written as a memoir of the author’s life as an adventurer and conservationist. She weaves in the theme of being child free throughout the book, without it taking away from the flow of the narrative. I really enjoyed reading her thoughts and perspective on the choice to not be a mother, the expectations of others around bring a woman, and growing old without children.
October 17, 2025
A very good book, full of great interesting adventures and anecdotes. I wish there had been more introspection on the issue of having children and musings about that (as this was the title of the book) hence only 4 stars but overall a great read. Will be interesting material to talk about in “book club” with my husband.
October 18, 2025
I thought this was going to be self-indulgent and privileged-speak-y, but it wasn’t. It was beautifully written, hard to put down, and had a lot of emotional clarity and honesty that felt refreshing. The ending felt a bit rushed, and it took a bit for me to get into it, but otherwise it was both a gripping read and a heartfelt reflection.
December 28, 2023
I’m in awe of the adventurous life Maria and her husband, Dag, have led. I appreciate seeing examples of older adults leading lives without children.
“Counterfactual curiosity. Wondering about ways you could have lived life differently.”
“Counterfactual curiosity. Wondering about ways you could have lived life differently.”
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January 24, 2024An enlightening, masterfully crafted #memoir, INSTEAD by Maria Coffey celebrates her indomitable spirit of #adventure and childfree life. #readers will be captivated!
Read the full review on BookTrib.com
Read the full review on BookTrib.com
January 30, 2025
Lee suggested I read it I guess both because it was about a childless woman and also a very adventurous one. The travel adventures were amazing and I do enjoy that aspect. Additionally, the personal story was fascinating.
August 14, 2025
MC writes with color, images and emotions. Her memoir is a testiment to living life through choice, not tradition; through adventure, not routine; and through maturation, not naivety. An excellently written book and most engaging!
October 5, 2025
This book surprisingly has been one of my favorite books this year. Purchased on a whim, it was more curiosity than any real knowledge about the book or author. The term “counterfactual curiosity” resonated, and for any individual navigating a less than traditional lifestyle… this book is a must!
November 13, 2025
Very much enjoyed this memoir, and very much happy with my decision to become a mother. Because I feel like no matter how you choose to live, if you live through love and openness, motherhood will find you one way or another
November 15, 2023
Loved this. Could not put it down.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews