The Children of Divorce: The Loss of Family as the Loss of Being

Youth, Family, and Culture

by Andrew Root

Why does divorce cause so much strain and long-term distress for children of all ages? Andrew Root, a recognized authority on youth ministry and a child of divorce himself, explains that divorce causes children to question their core identity. Since a child is the product of the union of a mother and father, when that union ends, he or she experiences a baffling sense of loss of self--a loss of his or her very sense of being. Root redirects efforts for assisting children of divorce to first address this fundamental experience.

This unique book examines the impact of divorce not only from a theological and spiritual perspective but also from a young person's perspective. It will benefit those who have experienced divorce and those who minister to children of divorce.

Genres: Sociology, Parenting, Family, Theology, Psychology, Cultural, Counselling

192 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2010

About the author

Andrew Root joined Luther Seminary in 2005 as assistant professor of youth and family ministry. Previously he was an adjunct professor at Wesley Theological Seminary, Washington D.C., and Princeton Theological Seminary, Princeton, N.J.

Root received his bachelor of arts degree from Bethel College, St. Paul, Minn., in 1997. He earned his master of divinity (2000) and his master of theology (2001) degrees from Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, Calif. He completed his doctoral degree from Princeton Theological Seminary in 2005.

Root's ministry experience includes being a gang prevention counselor in Los Angeles, youth outreach directed in a congregation, staff member of Young Life, and a confirmation teacher. He has also been a research fellow for Princeton Theological Seminary's Faith Practices Project.

Root has published articles in the Journal of Youth and Theology, The International Journal of Practical Theology, and Word and World.

He is a member of the International Association for the Study of Youth Ministry and the International Bonhoeffer Society.

Reviews

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know Andrew Root's work on youth ministry pretty well and have mostly found it impressive. I'm really encouraged in general by the 'theological turn' in youth ministry and its leading representatives Kenda Dean, Root, and Kara Powell, inter alia. The recognition that the 'relational youth ministry' model has led in many cases not to robust, 'sticky' faith in adolescents but to the inculcation of MTD, the idolatrous, uniquely American substitute for Christian faith is entirely salutary. The establishment of centers for the study of youth ministry at Fuller (where Root teaches) and Princeton is encouraging. So I have followed Root's publications with interest.

This book offers an analysis of the effects of the home environment which statistically nearly 50% of evangelical youth live with. The initial chapter is a whirlwind tour of the history of marriage - from marriage as economic alliance or 'merger' to what Carl Becker called marriage as 'apocalyptic romance'. The latter, Victorian idea of the home as a separate sphere designed for intimacy, domesticity and the inculcation of virtue lasted, Root maintains, from the late nineteenth century to the 1950s, culminating with the 'golden moment in the love-based marriage, the Leave It to Beaver family'. Root contends that the love-based idea for marriage contained within its own logic the seeds of the crisis in marriage that we have experienced since the 1960s: 'to fulfill the obligation of the love-based marriage, individuals would have to first give allegiance to their subjective self-fulfillment. If you were happy or self-fulfilled, then you could fulfill your marital obligation. But if you were not happy, if you did not feel blissful (or something just short of it), then the marriage was thrown into question. An unsatisfying marriage lacked the very foundations upon which marriage was understood to rest, the self's feeling of love. Accordingly, when love was interpreted to be absent, there was de facto no marriage and no family, and tragically (from the perspective of late modernity) the self was denigrated' (22). Using Gidden's work, Root points out that modernity has fundamentally transformed our approaches to time and space 'by directing the self toward an unknown future in an unknown place', in other words orienting the self toward a happiness in the indeterminate future rather than accepting the givenness of one's present conditions as normative. This has given rise to the 'pure relationship', that is, the idea that the relationship comes down not to the family or to the society that depends upon it but to the two individuals engaged in the relationship. In such a context, 'the possibilities for identity and intimacy are no longer bound by custom, but only by your imagination' (36). Coupled with no-fault divorce which allowed easy dissolution of marriages, the number of marriages ending in divorce consequently skyrocketed.

But our culture was still left with the inconvenient issue of the children produced by these homes. The imagined solution, the product of the quite complex changes within the conception of human anthropology in the late twentieth century, was the idea that so long as the divorce occurred with a minimum of acrimony and the process was clearly explained, the child(ren) could experience minimal emotional fallout and adjust to the new family structures. The problem is that the 'pure relationship' functions asyemetrically for children, as the mother and father are able to freely choose a new mate, but the child(ren) are 'told to act like these people are family, while having no real choice at all' (41). More importantly than this, however, is the fact that despite popular analyses to the contrary, there can be no such thing as a 'good divorce', as Root's evisceration of popular myths about divorce on 95-100. Divorce, the dissolution of the union that gave rise to the being of the child(ren), actually throws into question the very being of the child. In other words, divorce creates not just epistemic but ontological wounds within children, so it cannot be fixed merely by getting children to 'think rightly' about divorce. Root contrasts the experience of divorce with the experience of a parent's death: the death of the parent 'can suggest or reveal vulnerability: the death of a parent may witness to the reality that one day the child will be overcome by death. But again, it does not retroactively threaten his being as divorce does. Death looks to a future reality, an event that will happen as time unfolds for the young person. Divorce does not so much point forward as throw the foundational event of the child's very origins into regret and question. Death promises the eventual end of his being; divorce questions if he ever should have been at all. This no doubt is a much more haunting reality' (77).

While not intended to be a condemnation of parents who succumb to divorce, the first five chapters of this book would, it seems to me, be utterly devastating to read as a divorcee. But although there is a 'no' to the act of divorce which inexorably has deeply wounded the children of divorce, there is also a 'yes' in Christ here. The last chapter is a beautiful and practical chapter on the 'church as a community for the broken', both parents and children. The church is the family of God in Christ that has emerged from the ashes of our natural families, filled with broken people brokenly loving one another in the power of the Spirit. 'This new community cannot replace, and does not sublimate, the family, but it provides the members of a broken family a place to be-with and be-for as they suffer their ontological trauma. Nothing can replace the biological union of our parents. Nothing can erase the wounds and scars of our parents' divorces. But finding a communion that suffers with and for us can assure us that we are real, that our suffering is embraced concretely by these people called church, who witness to a God in Jesus Christ who bears our brokenness' (122).

This is a theologically and philosophically adept, sympathetic and yet unflinching analysis of the wounds inflicted by divorce. But there is a hopeful resistance to what I have often called the 'heresy of sociology' here. The way things are is not the way things must be, because there is a power at work in the church greater than the sinners that compose it.

[Katherine Pershey · Rating 3 out of 5]

There’s a lot to be commended in this book, which argues that divorce is an ontological crisis for children - ie, who am I if the union that made me no longer exists? Root states that “we can affirm the pain of the young person without chastising the parent,” which is the only way to responsibly write a book like this. That being said, there’s some heavy handedness when it comes to gender and biology that doesn’t hold up as well in light of adoption and same-sex relationships. Still, I am glad I read this and the last chapter with practical wisdom for the church is golden.

[Michaela Browning · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't like this book. I feel like it has a very negative look on how you should feel as a child of divorce. Your identity is found in Christ alone.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not an ethical reflection on the rightness or wrongness of divorce. Instead, it is an theological exploration of the ontological implications of divorce on children.

Root was in his 20s when he and his fiancées parents ended their lengthy marriages. He felt like Marty McFly in Back to the Future who began to disappear when it appeared as though the moment that his parents fell in love wouldn't occur. The dissolution of the bond of love that produced you calls into question your very being. If we only exist because of our parents love and commitment to one another, what happens when those bonds are dissolved? What does that say about who we are and our place in the world?

Root traces the historical developments of marriage and divorce from the pre-Enlightenment era when marriage was largely about preserving family lineage to the early-Industrial era when marriage became about cooperative labor to the modern era when marriage became about love. In the early two eras divorce was rare because it had little to do with love or individual choice and much more to do with communal well-being. The great freedom of love marriage also produces the great cost to children who no longer can rest assured that the community that produced them will remain intact.

Root does much exploration of divorce through the lens of object relations theory and Martin Heidegger's philosophy of Dasein. These were my least favorite parts of the book. All psychological and philosophical theories carry an implicit theology, so it would have been more fruitful to start with Barth's theological anthropology and then bring that into conversation with psychology and philosophy.

Root's basic thesis is that we have tended to treat divorce as a matter of epistemology and social capital. Children of divorce will be fine if we can just give them the right knowledge ("it wasn't your fault" and "everything is going to be fine") and provide them with the resources (money, education, home) that they need to flourish. While these are important they neglect the reality that the divorce has sundered the child's basic community which has provided them not just with a sense of security but was the ground of their being in the world. Unless we attend to the ontological implications of divorce we will end up ignoring perhaps the most profound impact that divorce has on kids.

Just as human beings are the concrete products of God's loving decision to create that which is other than himself for the purpose of covenant and community, children are the concrete products of their parents loving decision to create that which is other than themselves. God provides us with our existence and creation is the theater of our communion with him. Our families provide us with existence as well and our families are the basic community in which we form our self of belonging and self and being. When divorce happens, children are forced to confront a void at the core of their being. Their primal community is gone and their past history, a story of loving communion that brought them into existence is called into question. The child only is because you (parents) are. But when you (parents) no longer are that calls into question the "I am."

Divorce fragments the child's history and sense of being, and the child becomes responsible for her own being as it is now her job to try to pull back together a primal community from the shards of her parents divorce.

The church has a responsibility to be the community that suffers along with children of divorce because we can bear witness to the reality that there is resurrection life on the other side of death, and even a communion and ontological bond with God that is more primal and stronger than that which we share with our biological parents.

This was a phenomenal read, necessary for pastoral leaders. I really would have loved to have heard the voices of Roots own parents. How do they respond to weight of the implications that their divorce brought about a deep existential wound?

This book also inspires a call to further theological reflection on marriage. What is marriage, why does it matter, and does the church have anything to say to the culture other than to accept that marriage is voluntary, loving-based union, of consenting adults who remain the marriage as long as their emotional needs are being met or to hold up a "traditional" model of marriage that is the product of a time and place that few, if any, of us would want to return to? Can the church lift up a theological vision of marriage with practical implications that is not "progressive" or "reactionary" but instead deeply humanizing for married couples and ultimately their children?

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm just starting to learn that the impact of my parents' divorce on my life is far greater than I have ever admitted. This book will help children of divorce understand why and how divorce impacts us so deeply. Very insightful.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Children of Divorce was more technical that I anticipated, but I am glad for the way Root went about his work. By exploring the history, theology, psychology, and sociology of divorce before penning any advice for the reader, Root ensured that the gravity of divorce as something that uproots a sense of self, truth, and agency is first understood before treated. Root weaves people's stories into his otherwise fairly academic work helping to make it more accessible and to provide a structure for the more technical aspects to make sense. Root also uses theology to inform his writing without depending in anyway on "Christianese" or cheap "wisdom". His words stem from research, personal experiences, and theology.

Root is intentional about the purpose of his book and he sticks brilliantly to it. He never passes judgement on those that choose divorce but rather looks at the topic from the perspective that divorce exists, it hurts, and we need to understand.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who works with people of any sort. Divorce touches so many people's lives. The perspective of The Children of Divorce, will make the reader a more informed, compassionate, and able support to the child.

[Lewis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whoa, buckle your seat belts for some psychology, philosophy and sociology. This book reads like an article for a scientific journal almost. It does have poignant, common stories, but they are simply seasoning upon the heavy scholastic protein that comprises most of the book.

It sounded extremely repetitive too. It just kept repeating over and over again that divorce creates an ontological crisis. I have neither the time nor desire to count how many times this is stated, but I would estimate at least a thousand or two. It is a really interesting point, and as a child of divorce, I attest to its truth. Nonetheless, much really powerful information and insight is lost due to poor writing. This book could really use a good editor.

Frankly, I know there were moments when I was so excited and blown away, but I cannot remember them due to the repetition and poor use/explication of scientific knowledge.

[NCHS Library]

From Follett: - Marriage and divorce in late modernity : being and action in Giddens's social theory -- Divorce as an issue of being : ontological security and the loss of self -- Divorce and theological anthropology -- Divorce and the image of God : a conversation between theology and object relations psychology -- What is to be done : the church as a community for the broken. Examines how divorce affects the children in a family, particularly their sense of self, and discusses ways the Christian faith and community can be sources of support

[Lauren Marples · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a child of divorce, this title appealed to me a lot. I very much enjoyed the first chapter where Root brought us through the history of marriage. After that, it became very repetitive and one point focused. I suppose I just disagree with the main point. Every child goes through divorce differently, however, I did enjoy reading another perspective.

[Rylan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heavy and provoking read. The complexity (and irony, I suppose) is perhaps indicated in the lives of the two figures whose influential intellectual shadows appear often throughout the book: Heidegger and Barth--both of whom, for all of their profound thinking and writing on human relationships, were not necessarily paragons of faithfulness in their own.

[Trevor Limberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Intensely transformational book (nothing new for Root) as the author dialogues deeply on the importance of relationships on our personhood and identity. A must read for those in relational ministries!

[Jodi Hill · Rating 4 out of 5]

While walking the library isle, glancing here and there, this book jumped off the shelf and hit me viscerally. As a child of divorced parents, I had to read it.

Seeing my experience echoed in its pages and wondering how much the thesis correlates with America’s postmodern existential angst, I sense its message speaks to many. To help you better understand and help me not forget, here is a brief review:

Root plants and develops his argument that children of divorce (even as adults) suffer ontologically, at the level of being. At divorce, the unit that breathed them into life, gave them a place, a people, an identity, collapses from beneath them and drops them into a sea of nothingness. Even when little changes, practically speaking, security vanishes. Big questions take over, questions the family unit used to answer: "Who am I?", "Where do I belong?", "Where can I stand?"

By and large, after a couple of years divorced parents stabilize and often grow, heal and sometimes even flourish. The children, though, don't fare as well. Rocked to the core, all the way to their being, they feel vulnerable, frightened and lost. The father/mother communion that was, that gave them their "is," their being, isn't anymore and they "aren't" either. As the subtitle asserts, they experience a loss of being.

This is not a book about divorce, about whether couples should ever divorce. Root readily acknowledges the complexity of marriage and relationship, and then quickly shifts and stays on task with his study of divorce's children.

Although he fears that in trying to find answers to such a deep problem we might avoid the depth of the problem, Root ends the book with specific and practical advice on how the church, family and friends can help these children find new sources of being, heal and grow.

In building his point, Root brings in giants such as Karl Barth, Martin Heidegger and Anthony Giddens, yet the reading stays readable, it never takes on the heaviness of thick academia. Although sections can be redundant and a bit pedantic, I found the argument compelling enough to keep me engaged, even if I occasionally skipped a page.

If you've been touched by divorce, minister to those touched by divorce or just want to understand our society better, I highly recommend this ground-breaking book.

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the few books I've come across that look at the effects of divorce on teens from a theological point of view. His main premise is that divorce strikes at the core of a child's sense of who they are. He asks, if the union that created me no longer exists, what does that say about my existence. He points out that when we try to support teens going through divorce, we usually approach it from a point of view of social capital -- giving them the financial resources and other programs for support -- or psychological well-being -- reminding them it is not their fault and helping them think rightly about the divorce. Root maintains that these are good and important, but that the main effect of divorce on teens is ontological. The main effect is on their self-identity. It is here where society and the church in particular needs to focus in order to help children of divorce heal. The book is a good mixture of personal stories and deep theological and philosophical thought. It approaches the topic in a way that I have not found anywhere else. Definitely worth the read in order to more fully understand what goes on in the heart and mind of children of divorce.

[Joel Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Andrew Root begins this boo by sharing much of his personal story and his reality as the child of divorced parents. Launching from that point, he explores the reality of divorce as an ontological crisis--one that affects the very being and existence of the child affected by the divorce. He explores this from both psychological and theological perspectives. After making a very convincing argument for this ontological crisis, Root concludes by talking about how the church, the family, and society should respond to this crisis. He makes the assumption that divorce is here to stay and then declares that those who love the children affected by divorce need to willingly enter into relationship with these children. They then need to provide them with the community they have lost through the divorce and come up with new rituals and experiences that provide continued meaning for the life of those who deal with his ontological crisis.

[Carl Jenkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it was a bit more technical than I expected, this should certainly be a good book for all ministers and elders to work through, but I would also recommend it to all, especially parents who have divorced or adults whose parents have divorced.

Root does a fantastic job at explaining how, no matter how smooth and amicable the divorce is, your children are still affected down to the very core of their being by it it very negative ways. As often as we see divorce in our society today, we have a responsibility to understand how it affects children (even in a situation where a divorce might be legitimately needed) and how we can help them. Thankfully Root's last chapter does a great job at giving practical advice for how the church, youth ministers, parents, and friends can help the child whose parents have divorced.

[Tom Wilfong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book about how divorce affects a child's being

Good book about how divorce affects a child's being. There are times that it feels a tad too intellectual for the casual reader. Overall it helps to understand that helping a child deal with divorce is more than than just getting adjusted or accepting their new social situation.

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

An eye opening look at the deep ramifications of divorce on the children who experience it. Not an easy read for me as there was a lot of sociology and psychology that I'm not familiar with but it was worth slogging through.

[Lisa Herlocker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Deeper dive into philosophy than I'm used to reading but after those deep chapters, the final practical chapter really made sense.

[Richard Myerscough · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book suffused with sadness but witnessing also to hope. Truly important for church and ministry. Deeply affecting and practically suggestive.