Father & I: A Memoir

by Carlo Gébler

Carlo Gébler's childhood was one of no sweets, no comics, no toys, no friends to the house to play; a childhood dominated by his father Ernest Gébler's belief in discipline and Joseph Stalin. Ernest Gébler was a writer whose novel The Plymouth Adventure was made into a film starring Spencer Tracy. But when Carlo Gébler's mother—Edna O'Brien—eclipsed her husband's literary success, Ernest Gébler convinced himself that he was the writer of her books, a strain which broke the family up. After years of silence, Carlo finally discovered both the truth about his father and feelings which he had not known himself capable of. "You cannot change the past, but with understanding you can sometimes draw the poison out of it." Born in Dublin in 1954, Carlo Gébler has written nine books, dramatisations for theatre, and radio.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography

405 pages, Paperback

First published September 14, 2000

Reviews

[Dhanaraj Rajan · Rating 4 out of 5]

May be three and half stars.

"You can't change the past but, with understanding, you can sometimes draw the poison out of it."

The memoir begins and ends with the above said statement. That is the summery and the plan of he book.

This is the memoir by Carlo Gebler who is the son of Ernest Gebler and Edna O'brien and it concerns mainly with the relationship that Carlo had with his father. Father - son relationship is an interesting theme and an interesting relationship. It can not be classified as one common experience for all the sons. Yet, there are some common elements that one can perceive being present in fathers of all generations and of all times.

As I was reading this memoir, I could associate few scenes in my life. The desire of a dad for his son to be some one the best and the consequent anxiety of the son's incapacity to fulfill the well nurtured dream as perceived by the father in day today activities. As a result, a hard and fast rule is enforced on the son from the early stage, at least from the part of father, to some "disciplinary behaviour." The son being small in the childhood does not understand this or rather misunderstands father's mode of acting. There begins the chasm and as the years go by it gets widened. There are many scenes in this memoir that evoke such situation. Carlo could not understand his dad as a child when his dad warned against watching television all day or using the war toys.

Being the 'eldest' son the rules and regulations are always addressed to Carlo. He also does not much say about his father's relationship to his younger brother, Sasha. May be, he had not observed that or his experience of dad generalized his opinions and he applied them to Sasha too. Only very late does he realize that each one had a different experience of the dad or to be precise each one remembered differently about the dad. While Carlo remembered his dad mostly with resentment Sasha remembered his dad without much resentment. This is in accordance with the saying of Michael de Montaigne that is stated at the start of the book itself: "Memory tells us not what we choose, but what it pleases."

And another common feature, at least to my thinking, that is present all through the book and openly stated by Carlo in many places is that the son's desire to get the dad's full approval. Carlo longs for it and tries in many ways to acquire it. But, the father hardly recognizes. The chasm gets always widened.

The memoir is seemingly honest. Carlo writes about his resentment for his dad and the reader gets the point in many paces. And that is the reason, later when he realises his dad and his tough childhood he could understand his dad or find reasons for the 'hard behaviours' of his dad. But by then his dad is in an institute for the Alzheimer's and he remembers hardly anything. The past remains a past but with the subsequent understanding of few more details regarding his dad Carlo understands his father and thus draws out the poison that had filled in his mind regarding his father. An interesting memoir.

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

How funny it is that books you have on mnt tbr for ages and ages and constantly overlook in favour of other books, turn out to be absolutely marvelous.

I bought this - probably in a charity shop - because I recognised the name of the author -I had not that long before read one of his novels. What I didn't realise then, was that Carlo Gebler is the son of Edna O'Brien.

This is a very well written memoir, honest, even - and this is surprising - becoming sympatetic toward a man who at best was cruel and difficult. Carlo Gebler paints a poignant picture of a childhood, where he and his brother were pulled between their warring parents - they elected eventually to live with their mother. Ernest Gebler seems to have been able to strike at the heart of the child Carlo's insecurities, his cruel barbs never forgotten, and heard so often, Carlo becomes able to predict them almost word for word. As his father ages, and falls victim to Alzhiemer's Carlo Greber begins to see him in a different way - while never forgetting the man he grew up with. It is only after Ernest's death that through painstaking research Carlo comes to a better understanding of his father.

[Simon · Rating 2 out of 5]

daddy didn't love me, currently reading this, got it for 50 cents in cork during our ill fated campaign - from that good book shop just past the bridge on the way to the street where the jazz festival is on and the isaacs hostel.

i find these things interesting even if perhaps not likeable, similar vein to hugo hamiltons 2 memoirs to date, what ireland was like /what it was like having a slightly mundane and yet also slightly bizare irish / english / foreign influenced upbringing.

the reasons are pretty obvious, but it's not bad so far.

i will probably be in geneva next week, so will then try to arrange something for the week after

cheers S

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sad story of a childhood with a domineering, unpleasant, unhappy, jealous, deceitful father, a broken home, a mother (Edna O'Brien) who seems unwilling or unable to protect her boys from his abuse, and a boy forced to remove his consciousness from the abuse in order to survive it. Oddly enough, also a younger brother who remembers things quite differently, and a conclusion full of forgiveness and understanding which seems unearned by the father and more to allow the boy, now a man, to move on with his life. Not a pleasant read, but it did help me understand why his mother's books are so depressing.

[Lorraine Haigney]

Meticulous cataloging of childhood abuse.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 overall but so well written it's close to 5.
Gebler tries to keep to just his interactions and relationship with his father and only what he remembers, not the impressions of others. It covers his childhood until he opts to leave his father , aged 11, after his parents' separation. Then some schooling , private, state and boarding, mostly happy. His time with his father was almost always full of tension and anxiety induced by his father Ernest's unrealistic expectations of him and from trying to mould Carlo into a person he could never be. He also taunted him with the early older son who might come back and take his place. This son was from an earlier marriage and lived in the US. his mother had taken him there after separating from Ernest so one can see where a lot of emotional pain was coming from whe Carlo's mother, Edna O'Brien also took the boys away.

[Rosaleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book in helping you understand past relationships with parents. Carlo Gebler's story was one where the little boy (himself) spent his boyhood being quite sad because of the difficult relationship with his father. Only now when he is older and having delved into his father's background does he understand his father. It doesn't excuse his father's nastiness but as he says 'it helps take the poison out of it'. Worth reading.