I Think I Scared Her

by Brooke Katz

In third grade I started hearing voices, seeing people chasing me, feeling paranoid, confused, and delusional. I can't remember before third grade, but it is likely that I have had schizoaffective disorder all my life. I was afraid to tell anyone about my issues because I was afraid that the voices would kill me. There were two main voices: the blue and the red. They sometimes just mimicked me, or made me feel guilty about being bad, but they were the most dangerous when they commanded me to kill other people or myself. I found refuge from the voices by cutting myself to see the blood. This is a habit that has been almost impossible for me to stop. In the seventh grade I threatened my friends and teachers by writing anonymous threat notes. I eventually got caught and I was sent to a psychiatrist by the school. This was my first trip to a psychiatrist and I was eleven years old. I hated it. I cursed at her and wouldn't cooperate. I never went back. When I was twelve my family moved to Seattle, Washington. I thought I would be able to start over with my life and escape all my pain. Unfortunately, the voices and fears followed me. I was in eighth grade and I started hanging with a bad crowd. I used drugs and had sex. The voices were telling me I was a bad person, so I acted like a bad person. I almost got kicked out of school. I hit rock bottom on December 5, 1997. I attempted suicide. No one had any idea how much pain I was in and this really surprised them. My parents went into shock. My school counselor who had been helping had no idea that I was so severely ill. I told the doctors about the voices and the visions, but I couldn't admit to being paranoid because I was so sure that my delusions were real. The doctors tried to help me, but nothing helped. I was in the hospital for most of my senior year of high school. Finally I turned eighteen and I was sent to the adult medical center instead of the children's hospital an

Genres: Memoir

128 pages, Paperback

First published April 2, 2004

Reviews

[Sandra Tocchio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worked with Brooke, a wonderful nurse . Not very often you read such an honest account . So hopeful for others with psychosis.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

authentic voice

[Janet Morris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Though reading about Brooke's psychosis was interesting, the chapters towards the end of the book seemed to be lacking something. There were some serious editing problems, and it sometimes felt like it was a very impersonal tale, especially since it is a memoir. This may be from her being on anti-psychotics or it may have been something else, but towards the end of the book, the book got less interesting than it had been at the beginning.

If you have psychosis, you might want to check this out. It doesn't really give any ideas of how to handle being psychotic, but it does allow people to know that there are others out there with similar problems.

It might be a bit triggering for self-injurers as there are some descriptions of how she cut herself.

[Ashley Child · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was definitely an interesting ready. It is about a girl that graduated from simmons that I actually had classes with. I had no idea what she was dealing with in her personal life at the time. This book takes you through her life growing up with Psychosis.