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Twishite Saga #1
New Moan: The First Book in the Twishite Saga: A Parody
Plenty of overwrought prose and melodramatic angst mark this fang-sharp parody of number-one New York Times–bestseller New Moon
"I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me."
Heffa Lump is just a typical pale 17-year-old who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty and needs to grow up and get a life. Fortunately, the Spatula Academy of Fictional Excellence specializes in helping characters from kids’ books cross over into adult fiction. Unfortunately, she’s distracted from her attempts to leave adolescence behind when she meets Teddy Kelledy—an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong, and never goes out in daylight. Could he—just maybe—be a vampire? (Hint: totally.) Soon, Heffa finds herself harassed by supernatural forces on all sides: Will she be able to narrate herself out of danger? Will Teddy learn that being with a girl doesn't always have to be about biting? And what will happen when the New Moan rises? A tale of first love, painful longing, and even more painful pointy teeth, New Moan is a hilarious parody of the phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga.
"I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me."
Heffa Lump is just a typical pale 17-year-old who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty and needs to grow up and get a life. Fortunately, the Spatula Academy of Fictional Excellence specializes in helping characters from kids’ books cross over into adult fiction. Unfortunately, she’s distracted from her attempts to leave adolescence behind when she meets Teddy Kelledy—an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong, and never goes out in daylight. Could he—just maybe—be a vampire? (Hint: totally.) Soon, Heffa finds herself harassed by supernatural forces on all sides: Will she be able to narrate herself out of danger? Will Teddy learn that being with a girl doesn't always have to be about biting? And what will happen when the New Moan rises? A tale of first love, painful longing, and even more painful pointy teeth, New Moan is a hilarious parody of the phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga.
272 pages, Paperback
First published October 22, 2009
83 people are currently reading
1849 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews
did-not-finish
December 14, 2017DNF at page 22.
It had some quirky comments, but it was TOO over the top for me to actually enjoy. It did point out a some things that authors do “wrong” like only describing 2 classes when their character is a high school student.
This genre might just not be for me, so I will not rate this.
It had some quirky comments, but it was TOO over the top for me to actually enjoy. It did point out a some things that authors do “wrong” like only describing 2 classes when their character is a high school student.
This genre might just not be for me, so I will not rate this.
December 23, 2009
I liked Twilight for a while in 2008 before i realised truly how awful it is. And now i am quite the Twilight hater. Ok, not so much hater but the extent to which it is obsessed over angers me to the core. The series does not deserve the praise and attention it recieves and Meyer is definitely overrated. So, i bought this book mainly for a laugh and to read someone else's perspective on how utterly ridiculous the whole idea actually is. And, this made me laugh quite a lot. I loved that the writer kept picking up on holes in the plot that Meyer had failed to clear up, hence proving how amateur her writing is. At some points it became quite tedious but i enjoyed it for what it was, a lighthearted parody. I especially enjoyed the various Harry Potter references which just showed how much better a series can be.
January 27, 2014
I've always loved Parody's whether they be films or books and this book was no exception.
From the first pages I was laughing, sometimes with tears in my eyes! The book follows the story of Heffa Lump whom is so self centered you can't but help note her reactions in the early book to those of Bella in Twilight but for totally different reasons. Teddy was so naive and I loved the 'special' part about vampires not being able to go out in the sunlight and the reason behind it (I shall not add the spoiler for anyone who wishes to read it!)
The constant references to Stephfordy made me laugh too, as a buddying author I found it almost like footnotes I had made when drafting or personal thoughts I had had about characters. I'll be interested to see if there is ever a sequal and would but it.
This book I do not feel would be suitable for say the target audience of The Twilight Series but for us adults who devoured The Twilight Saga and like to see the funny side of things I would say this book is a must - but CANNOT be taken seriously!.
Review also featured on my blog - http://www.bewitchedbooks.co.uk/
From the first pages I was laughing, sometimes with tears in my eyes! The book follows the story of Heffa Lump whom is so self centered you can't but help note her reactions in the early book to those of Bella in Twilight but for totally different reasons. Teddy was so naive and I loved the 'special' part about vampires not being able to go out in the sunlight and the reason behind it (I shall not add the spoiler for anyone who wishes to read it!)
The constant references to Stephfordy made me laugh too, as a buddying author I found it almost like footnotes I had made when drafting or personal thoughts I had had about characters. I'll be interested to see if there is ever a sequal and would but it.
This book I do not feel would be suitable for say the target audience of The Twilight Series but for us adults who devoured The Twilight Saga and like to see the funny side of things I would say this book is a must - but CANNOT be taken seriously!.
Review also featured on my blog - http://www.bewitchedbooks.co.uk/
May 31, 2015
Wat drinkt een gezonde vampier? DraCOLA Light! Oké, een vampiergrapje, zoiets kan je verwachten in de parodie van Twilight. Wat ik van dit boek vond? Lees mijn recensie hier: http://nerdygeekyfanboy.com/recensie/...
April 3, 2021
This was so bad it was hilarious! I’ve never laughed so much at a book!
own-but-unread
July 25, 2010Reviewing as I read...
Right from the beginning it rips into Twilight with delightful abandon but it does a good job of pointing out the many flaws in Meyer's writing.
Heffa (aka Bella) is vulger, self-obsessed and I'd like to kill her even more than the original character. Oh and the vamps eat raw meat, weird but some of the character names are apt e.g. Wanda Mensional.
Warning: To be digested in small amounts. I'll probably read a little bit everyday until I finish. It's that full-on.
Right from the beginning it rips into Twilight with delightful abandon but it does a good job of pointing out the many flaws in Meyer's writing.
Heffa (aka Bella) is vulger, self-obsessed and I'd like to kill her even more than the original character. Oh and the vamps eat raw meat, weird but some of the character names are apt e.g. Wanda Mensional.
Warning: To be digested in small amounts. I'll probably read a little bit everyday until I finish. It's that full-on.
October 16, 2018
It's a great parody. It perfectly points out every inconsistency, every loophole, every lack of SM's writing skills or her lack of imagination.
Also, it's hilarious.
Also, it's hilarious.
March 20, 2021
Exactly what it says on the tin. Had me creasing! But you know, obviously it’s shit.
December 2, 2011
This caught my eye on the returns shelf at the library so I grabbed it thinking I'd read it if I had nothing else on the go. After extending it twice I picked it up and read the first page...
...and kept reading.
This book is outstanding!
Be warned, however, if you love the Twilight Saga, don't do it to yourself - it's like bungy jumping without the rope - you know what the outcome will be and it won't be pretty.
Similarly, if you hate everything Twilight going on the hype alone and haven't actually read the books, you won't appreciate everything this parody has to offer. While a lot of the humour is blatant, ie - you've probably read plenty of reviews and seen enough in the media to know what the joke's about, you'll miss the subtle references that happen in the space of a sentence or a word or two.
I love that Teddy's eyes are constantly changing colour from one exotic hue to another.
Look forward to reading Breaking Yawn.
...and kept reading.
This book is outstanding!
Be warned, however, if you love the Twilight Saga, don't do it to yourself - it's like bungy jumping without the rope - you know what the outcome will be and it won't be pretty.
Similarly, if you hate everything Twilight going on the hype alone and haven't actually read the books, you won't appreciate everything this parody has to offer. While a lot of the humour is blatant, ie - you've probably read plenty of reviews and seen enough in the media to know what the joke's about, you'll miss the subtle references that happen in the space of a sentence or a word or two.
I love that Teddy's eyes are constantly changing colour from one exotic hue to another.
Look forward to reading Breaking Yawn.
July 27, 2017
"Once a werewolf finds a lady he likes, she may as well just accept that she'll be finding dog hair on her clothes for the rest of her life. Even if she's been hideously scarred, or she's a newborn baby".
Aunque es un libro chistoso que rompe la cuarta pared de maneras ingeniosas, también tiene un humor un poco forzado o pasado de moda (como referencias a Hanna Montana como la más grande estrella pop del momento). Pero creo que si eres una persona que disfruta o tolera las películas de humor gringo (sobresexualizado y con más groserías que estrellas en el cielo) y/o leíste Crepúsculo en el pasado y quieres recodar tu amor u odio hacia la saga, este libro puede divertirte un buen rato : )
August 29, 2022
what a literary masterpiece (it’s not💀). i would read this again and again and again very good (i wouldn’t, coping with it once was bad enough💀)
August 6, 2011
This was an awful book. It was cheesy, unoriginal, and not funny. I feel the sole purpose was to make fun of twilight, but not in a good hearted way, but a way to just be a jerk and make fun of something people like. If you are a twilight fan then i would not recommend reading this novel at all. If you hate twilight, like REALLY can't stand it, then you might like it a little more than me, but it was badly written.
November 3, 2012
Okay, so yes, this book is completely ridiculous and merely written to take the p**s out of The Twilight Saga, which if you closely read is actually just as cheesy, and no, there is no purpose this book serves but to make you laugh, and I think that people completely underrate that. It is actually a very funny book, a good bit of light reading, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd recommend it to anyone who just wants to sit down and have a little giggle at a silly book.
June 17, 2025
At the beginning I thought this book was hilarious but as it kept going it just became sad. I mean at what point does a parody just become a bitch fest with a little too much effort put into it to seem casual. This was a 300 page book just ripping apart Twilight, supernatural books and teen fiction. Specifically female main characters. Honestly 1 chapter was funny but a whole book? It just felt mean.
Also it was awful. In terms of writing, story and character development. I love a parody but this was not one, it was just a really badly written book making fun of something for no reason.
Also it was awful. In terms of writing, story and character development. I love a parody but this was not one, it was just a really badly written book making fun of something for no reason.
May 25, 2025
The beginning was so promising, so funny too. Forks being called Spatula really made me giggle. But at the end of the book I kinda lost the non existent plot.
It was silly, kinda funny at the beginning (50 pages) and then it was just words on paper with drama
It was silly, kinda funny at the beginning (50 pages) and then it was just words on paper with drama
December 8, 2015
It is normally not me, to not finish a book. However, I didn't finish this book. Why? Because it is just a bad book. IT had a lot of potential, you know, a parady of twilight, you can make a lot of fun stories with it.. However, when you only focus HEffa beiing a pain in the ass and thinking she is the best the world could offer, is just plain easy writing. Actually it is annoying as hell.. I wonder if Stephofdy actually thought about that. Easy writting is almost never giving a proper book. And I think even a parody of a book needs to be good for people to enjoy it. It maybe that Iḿ a bit harsh on the book, but the back of the book suggested a proper story but than with all the duh moments even more clear in the parody.. What you get is just a teen who thinks she is so fantastic.. Well it is just annoying to read.. Put it away after 100 pages, not gonna bother further.
April 26, 2012
I bought this book from a secondhand shop more as a joke, just to check if the author had managed to point out exactly how awful Twilight is. He (or she?) indeed managed to do so, however this fact doesn't make New Moan any better. I still never finished it but I do appreciate the efforts. And it's definitely a better love story that Twilight.
Verdict?
As a parody of a shit book: 10
As a book itself: 0. Even below, if possible.
Verdict?
As a parody of a shit book: 10
As a book itself: 0. Even below, if possible.
January 4, 2017
I held on for 20 pages, and then I just couldn't read anymore. I read and liked Twilight. I read and strongly disliked the last book in the series, but still.. This book is a real jerk. Poorly written and not funny at all. Even if you hated the Twilight-series, you cannot convince me you loved this book.
July 29, 2011
to be quite honest I thought is was stupid, just way too ridiculous to be funny. I do not recommend it. there was so much put in there that did not even have anything relating to twilight at all. I mean I get it is reflecting on pop culture as a whole but if you're gonna write a book like that, don't call it a parody of a book, call it a satire!
May 5, 2013
i havent and i wont be finishing this book. i thought it might actually be funny, but i just found it completely silly. i know its meant to mock twilight, but its ridiclous so ive given up. obviously this type of book just isnt for me
April 29, 2012
This wasn't even funny. Terrible 'humour'.
July 29, 2016
Loved it. It was hilarious now I want the next book in the series
September 15, 2020
A parody of Twilight and New Moon all rolled into one, what could go wrong?
I went into this book with open eyes. Sure, I'm a fan of both books, hell the entire series, and I even make fun of the book myself. I point out the problematic bits (possessive and controlling partners) and laugh at the cringy moments (the clothes), so an entire book dedicated to doing that? It sounded great.
Except it wasn't.
There is a warning that the book features sexual content, but I still wasn't aware it was going to feature in pretty much every page. It was constant, and in your face, and I was tired of it. The first few sexual innuendoes made me do that thing where you breathe heavily out of your nose, but then it just got repetitive.
There were also some real problematic moments in the book. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive when it comes to jokes, but some of the jokes just came off as insensitive. 'Would it have been too much for them to give me up for adoption? Orphans get the best character arcs.' 'wrist-slitting depressing' and then the worst of the bunch I bookmarked, 'I had no intention of staying cooped up in my house like some Austrian girl' because what's funnier than the poor woman who was r*ped and forced to birth her dad's children, all whilst being hidden underneath her house. let's not even mention the countless other things that went on in that basement. Let's all laugh at her, and her children shall we? It just felt like the author didn't know when enough was enough.
Sure there were some heavy-nose-breathing-things that happened, like Chuck (aka Charlie) adding Heffa (aka Bella) to the bus route instead of giving her a car. But the book just felt overdone and insensitive.
I went into this book with open eyes. Sure, I'm a fan of both books, hell the entire series, and I even make fun of the book myself. I point out the problematic bits (possessive and controlling partners) and laugh at the cringy moments (the clothes), so an entire book dedicated to doing that? It sounded great.
Except it wasn't.
There is a warning that the book features sexual content, but I still wasn't aware it was going to feature in pretty much every page. It was constant, and in your face, and I was tired of it. The first few sexual innuendoes made me do that thing where you breathe heavily out of your nose, but then it just got repetitive.
There were also some real problematic moments in the book. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive when it comes to jokes, but some of the jokes just came off as insensitive. 'Would it have been too much for them to give me up for adoption? Orphans get the best character arcs.' 'wrist-slitting depressing' and then the worst of the bunch I bookmarked, 'I had no intention of staying cooped up in my house like some Austrian girl' because what's funnier than the poor woman who was r*ped and forced to birth her dad's children, all whilst being hidden underneath her house. let's not even mention the countless other things that went on in that basement. Let's all laugh at her, and her children shall we? It just felt like the author didn't know when enough was enough.
Sure there were some heavy-nose-breathing-things that happened, like Chuck (aka Charlie) adding Heffa (aka Bella) to the bus route instead of giving her a car. But the book just felt overdone and insensitive.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 14, 2019
Pretty amusing but doesn't hold up to a second read to the point I was skimming the last 50 pages.
So if you hate twilight or found it unintentionally humorous then its a fun light read. But if you are neutral or love twilight then avoid this. I would say the humor is 50\50, the parts pertaining to plot holes and bad characters is great but the added random humor fell flat.
The good: Mayo does treat us to a satire of the characters and plot holes like Teddy swinging from innocent well meaning vampire to threatening and belittling Heffa like telling her glass is sharp and he'll tear out her throat. Also Heffa commenting on how amazing she is and everyone should love her while being unlovable and acting like she's selfless, misunderstood, and caring when she's really not. It also makes fun of how serious their relationship gets so quickly to the point of deep depression and suicide, the worthlessness of side characters and plot holes like the sparkle bits.
The bad: things like breaking the fourth wall and the idea of the shuffling were not funny to me. There were several random humor attempts like her being in a writing school and zombie invasion that seemed out of place and I can't really remember specifics. Also the writing/story is mediocre probably better in film form.
Overall fun but mostly forgettable satire of twilight.
So if you hate twilight or found it unintentionally humorous then its a fun light read. But if you are neutral or love twilight then avoid this. I would say the humor is 50\50, the parts pertaining to plot holes and bad characters is great but the added random humor fell flat.
The good: Mayo does treat us to a satire of the characters and plot holes like Teddy swinging from innocent well meaning vampire to threatening and belittling Heffa like telling her glass is sharp and he'll tear out her throat. Also Heffa commenting on how amazing she is and everyone should love her while being unlovable and acting like she's selfless, misunderstood, and caring when she's really not. It also makes fun of how serious their relationship gets so quickly to the point of deep depression and suicide, the worthlessness of side characters and plot holes like the sparkle bits.
The bad: things like breaking the fourth wall and the idea of the shuffling were not funny to me. There were several random humor attempts like her being in a writing school and zombie invasion that seemed out of place and I can't really remember specifics. Also the writing/story is mediocre probably better in film form.
Overall fun but mostly forgettable satire of twilight.
December 4, 2017
Maybe I just don't really do parodies in book form, but I kept ending up reading it at face value like it was just a really sh*t story. I suppose that's the point though, it's supposed to be a mirror to Twilight that at least doesn't take itself seriously. Some of the jokes felt forced or tried too hard but the events actually were more unpredictable than the story it parodies so at least it wasn't dull.
I really didn't "get it", but it was fun all the same. And that's all that matters I suppose.
I really didn't "get it", but it was fun all the same. And that's all that matters I suppose.
September 7, 2019
I picked this book up from the ‘free table’ at work, mainly because I was transfixed by all things Twilight-related back in the day.
It’s a fun read for the most part and is definitely a decent parody. Clearly, the author has read all of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight saga books, so a lot of the references would only be understood by those who had read the original saga.
For me there were no belly laughs. Mild amusement, yes.
Actually, what I want to do now is go back and read the original saga! Haven’t read it in years, so it would be nice to get sucked in again...
It’s a fun read for the most part and is definitely a decent parody. Clearly, the author has read all of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight saga books, so a lot of the references would only be understood by those who had read the original saga.
For me there were no belly laughs. Mild amusement, yes.
Actually, what I want to do now is go back and read the original saga! Haven’t read it in years, so it would be nice to get sucked in again...
February 6, 2024
I haven't even started reading the Twilight saga, but of course I'm going to read the parody first. Of course!
Taking into account that this is a parody, I didn't actually expect much from it. But it was worse than I expected.
It's not funny, and as a parody I think it dragged on for too long and the only attempt at comedy it made (innuendo) got really old really fast.
The only thing I find funny is that it tried to exaggerate the character traits from Heffa and she sounds almost exactly like the MC from Vampire Kisses.
Taking into account that this is a parody, I didn't actually expect much from it. But it was worse than I expected.
It's not funny, and as a parody I think it dragged on for too long and the only attempt at comedy it made (innuendo) got really old really fast.
The only thing I find funny is that it tried to exaggerate the character traits from Heffa and she sounds almost exactly like the MC from Vampire Kisses.
September 21, 2024
This HAD to originally been a sh*tpost fanfic on Wattpad or something it reads that way so incredibly well.
I'm back in my Twilight phase for the year, so I thought I'd read this parody book for the laughs.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, but it was... interesting.
It was a FEVER DREAM, that's what it was. The breaking of the fourth wall so many times had me feeling dizzy.
It also wasn't as funny as I was hoping it would be. More so crude, cheap humour that didn't make much sense. But hey ho, that's probably the point of this parody.
I'm back in my Twilight phase for the year, so I thought I'd read this parody book for the laughs.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, but it was... interesting.
It was a FEVER DREAM, that's what it was. The breaking of the fourth wall so many times had me feeling dizzy.
It also wasn't as funny as I was hoping it would be. More so crude, cheap humour that didn't make much sense. But hey ho, that's probably the point of this parody.
October 9, 2022
Doesn’t even deserve 1 star!! 🙈
This book really wasn’t for me, I would of given up by the first chapter but I couldn’t bare not finishing a book!!
I’ve never not completed a book and I wasn’t about to start now… just means it took me over a month to finish a shirt book!
Sadly wasn’t what I was expecting at all!
This book really wasn’t for me, I would of given up by the first chapter but I couldn’t bare not finishing a book!!
I’ve never not completed a book and I wasn’t about to start now… just means it took me over a month to finish a shirt book!
Sadly wasn’t what I was expecting at all!
October 19, 2025
This book was ridiculous 🤣. It made me laugh multiple times, although I thought some parts in the book were a bit too over the top. As a Twilight fan, some parts were comical but I felt some parts were purely just there to have a ‘dig’ at Twilight. However having said this, I probably would read the second book 🤣😭
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