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Missed Her
Ivan E. Coyote is a master storyteller and performer; their beautiful, funny stories about growing up a lesbian butch in the Canadian north have attracted big audiences whether gay, straight, or otherwise. Missed Her is Ivan's fifth story collection, following 2008's Lambda-nominated The Slow Fix and Bow Grip, their novel that was named a Stonewall Honor Book by the American Library Association. Whether discussing the politics of being a butch with a pet lapdog or berating a gay newspaper for considering butches and trans people as "extreme," Ivan traverses issues of gender and identity with a wistful, perceptive eye.
144 pages, Paperback
First published January 10, 2010
13 people are currently reading
1877 people want to read
About the author
Ivan E. Coyote
14 books720 followersIvan Coyote was born and raised in Whitehorse, Yukon Territory. An award-winning author of six collections of short stories, one novel, three CD’s, four short films and a renowned performer, Ivan’s first love is live storytelling, and over the last thirteen years they have become an audience favourite at music, poetry, spoken word and writer’s festivals from Anchorage to Amsterdam.
Ivan E. Coyote, die k.d. lang der kanadischen Literatur, stammt aus Whitehorse, Yukon, im äußersten Nordwesten Kanadas. Sie liebt Trucks, kleine Hunde, guten Kaffee, gescheite Frauen, Lederarbeiten, Tischlern, Geschichten erzählen, Angeln, Hockey, Knoten knüpfen, Kochen, auf Bäume klettern und ihren Mittagsschlaf. Heute lebt sie mit ihrer Partnerin in Vancouver. Ivan E. Coyote hat bereits fünf Erzählbände veröffentlicht und mit Als das Cello vom Himmel fiel ihren ersten Roman vorgelegt. Sie liebt es, Geschichten zu erzählen, und hat sich neben ihrem Schreiben auch als »Spoken Word«-Performerin einen Namen gemacht.
Ivan E. Coyote, die k.d. lang der kanadischen Literatur, stammt aus Whitehorse, Yukon, im äußersten Nordwesten Kanadas. Sie liebt Trucks, kleine Hunde, guten Kaffee, gescheite Frauen, Lederarbeiten, Tischlern, Geschichten erzählen, Angeln, Hockey, Knoten knüpfen, Kochen, auf Bäume klettern und ihren Mittagsschlaf. Heute lebt sie mit ihrer Partnerin in Vancouver. Ivan E. Coyote hat bereits fünf Erzählbände veröffentlicht und mit Als das Cello vom Himmel fiel ihren ersten Roman vorgelegt. Sie liebt es, Geschichten zu erzählen, und hat sich neben ihrem Schreiben auch als »Spoken Word«-Performerin einen Namen gemacht.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 92 reviews
March 9, 2014
rating: 4/5
Unfortunately I've never had the pleasure to see Coyote perform her stories live. I heard it is an amazing experience and that if I had seen her perform, I would love her stories even more. Maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to do so. Until then I will stay content reading her stories; some are humorous, others sad, some say something poignant about life while others just entertain. They explore issues of feminism, lesbians, the butch identity, friendships, love, and everything in between.
Some stories are better than others but there was not a single bad, uninteresting one. And quite a few amazing ones. Just a Love Story made my heart quake. Truth Story and Some of my Best Friends are Rednecks are my two favorites out of all the awesomeness. They fed my mind and soul (the unidentifiable part us us we refer to as our souls, not actual supernatural soul) and left an impact crater there.
I usually don't read stories written by diarists preferring fiction so I didn't expect to love this book as much as I did. Definitely will read more.
Unfortunately I've never had the pleasure to see Coyote perform her stories live. I heard it is an amazing experience and that if I had seen her perform, I would love her stories even more. Maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to do so. Until then I will stay content reading her stories; some are humorous, others sad, some say something poignant about life while others just entertain. They explore issues of feminism, lesbians, the butch identity, friendships, love, and everything in between.
Some stories are better than others but there was not a single bad, uninteresting one. And quite a few amazing ones. Just a Love Story made my heart quake. Truth Story and Some of my Best Friends are Rednecks are my two favorites out of all the awesomeness. They fed my mind and soul (the unidentifiable part us us we refer to as our souls, not actual supernatural soul) and left an impact crater there.
I usually don't read stories written by diarists preferring fiction so I didn't expect to love this book as much as I did. Definitely will read more.
August 16, 2023
I meant to read this collection by a trans butch Canadian storyteller a couple of stories at a time, but it didn’t happen. It was so good I just kept reading haha. I walked away from this collection feeling better about the world, which as I’m writing this in August 2023 is hard to come by. I have my next Ivan Coyote book on my TBR already.
July 28, 2018
This was the first one of Ivan's short story books that I didn't love to pieces. I wonder why? Just less than resonated deep in me overall. Had a strong start but a less captivating ending. Onto the next one!
April 25, 2017
nearly all my favorites of ivan's stories are in this collection. reading it felt like holding a hot bowl of soup up to my face in the winter.
April 9, 2014
My unreserved recommendation of Missed Her to anyone who reads is so much a given it almost feels distracting to point it out amidst the desire to somehow convey in words the splendor I experienced among its pages. More than in most instances I've ever observed, this collection exemplifies the capacity to capture moments and preserve them in the pristine purity of seamless prose.
That prose either takes what may seem ordinary moments and infuses them with exquisiteness or perhaps just outlines the exquisiteness inherent in every moment so we recognize it ourselves. Whichever it is—and maybe it is both—Ivan Coyote does it in a subtle, almost mysterious way, so that I feel it the whole time I'm reading but, looking back, do not know exactly what the author did to make it that way.
The book's format lends itself to fast, satisfying bursts if that is how one wants to read it; each short is only a few pages long. Each of them is also self-contained, so skipping around is not an issue. I myself found this form lent itself to quick reading, though I also often felt so captivated that I kept reading even if I had only planned to read one or two stories in a sitting.
The moment I finished it, I could tell Missed Her was the kind of book I won't get all there is to get out of without reading more than once. I don't know if I have ever experienced that awareness more upon finishing a book. In this collection, there are the words, and then there is the sense, that which is above and below and between the words, like a presence of its own that gathers and makes this book not just a book but a part of the reader—as existent and penetrative and ever-changing as energy itself.
I've often recommended books, but in this case I implore: please, read this. I would not do so were it not difficult for me to imagine anyone's experiencing life in a somehow lesser way for doing so. I suspect it far more likely that, as for me, the contrary will be the case.
That prose either takes what may seem ordinary moments and infuses them with exquisiteness or perhaps just outlines the exquisiteness inherent in every moment so we recognize it ourselves. Whichever it is—and maybe it is both—Ivan Coyote does it in a subtle, almost mysterious way, so that I feel it the whole time I'm reading but, looking back, do not know exactly what the author did to make it that way.
The book's format lends itself to fast, satisfying bursts if that is how one wants to read it; each short is only a few pages long. Each of them is also self-contained, so skipping around is not an issue. I myself found this form lent itself to quick reading, though I also often felt so captivated that I kept reading even if I had only planned to read one or two stories in a sitting.
The moment I finished it, I could tell Missed Her was the kind of book I won't get all there is to get out of without reading more than once. I don't know if I have ever experienced that awareness more upon finishing a book. In this collection, there are the words, and then there is the sense, that which is above and below and between the words, like a presence of its own that gathers and makes this book not just a book but a part of the reader—as existent and penetrative and ever-changing as energy itself.
I've often recommended books, but in this case I implore: please, read this. I would not do so were it not difficult for me to imagine anyone's experiencing life in a somehow lesser way for doing so. I suspect it far more likely that, as for me, the contrary will be the case.
September 21, 2024
Rounding up from a 4.5 because more people need to know about it and Ivan Coyote. Their writing is so personable, well-crafted, and descriptive. I appreciated their insights about butch culture, gender, and not only the awfulness of bigotry, but the beauty of community, and finding acceptance where you might not expect it. I loved that they included multi-generational voices across the spectrum of orientation and identity, talking to teenagers, people their own age, and their elders. Coyote does what great writers do, conjuring entire worlds three or four pages at time with humor, thoughtfulness, and compassion 👏👏👏
December 22, 2022
Beautiful memoirs.
July 3, 2024
I love butches !!!
The second half of Coyote’s stories in this didn’t hit as much, but overall, I dug their storytelling — “Hair Today” was my favorite
The second half of Coyote’s stories in this didn’t hit as much, but overall, I dug their storytelling — “Hair Today” was my favorite
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April 2, 2025The day I run out of Ivan Coyote books to read will be a very sad day. One of my favourite authors of all time. I am seeing my queer friends on Vancouver Island in two weeks.
April 14, 2018
Thanks to Donna for alerting me to Ivan E. Coyote. Loved this book.
December 15, 2015
I could not get really into this collection of essays. The writing was good, but I had some trouble relating to the author's experiences because she in some ways was so rigid in her conversation about identities. I also found her tell us how great she is a lot.
In the grand scheme of things, I think I understand why the author does have somewhat rigid discussion of identities- it feels largely because of her own experiences as being a butch predominately estrogen based person in a society that doesn't always accept that.
I just have trouble relating to it as a lesbian who does not identify or present myself as butch or femme,I just don't fit into the boxes in her essays. For example in one of the essays she makes a comment in jest, similar to well how do they have sex (referring to two women in skirts), that really rubs me the wrong way. She does confront the boxes in a very candid way in some of the essays, but in others, I get the impression my identity is less valid than hers.
The other thing I did not like about this collection, was that multiple stories were tales about how much she touched someone with her writing. In general this is a pet peeve of mine with literature. I would prefer to read stories that I find touching, than read stories about how someone else was touched by their writing. Don't tell me how great people think your writing is, show me.
This book definitely has value and has a place and should be read for an interesting first-hand view on one type of identify. I can see how valuable it can be to some people. But, that doesn't mean I really have to like it. I respect and appreciate the collection , but did not really personally like it.
In the grand scheme of things, I think I understand why the author does have somewhat rigid discussion of identities- it feels largely because of her own experiences as being a butch predominately estrogen based person in a society that doesn't always accept that.
I just have trouble relating to it as a lesbian who does not identify or present myself as butch or femme,I just don't fit into the boxes in her essays. For example in one of the essays she makes a comment in jest, similar to well how do they have sex (referring to two women in skirts), that really rubs me the wrong way. She does confront the boxes in a very candid way in some of the essays, but in others, I get the impression my identity is less valid than hers.
The other thing I did not like about this collection, was that multiple stories were tales about how much she touched someone with her writing. In general this is a pet peeve of mine with literature. I would prefer to read stories that I find touching, than read stories about how someone else was touched by their writing. Don't tell me how great people think your writing is, show me.
This book definitely has value and has a place and should be read for an interesting first-hand view on one type of identify. I can see how valuable it can be to some people. But, that doesn't mean I really have to like it. I respect and appreciate the collection , but did not really personally like it.
June 28, 2016
So this collection felt a bit flat to me. I think the author is a gifted storyteller whose work I would really enjoy seeing performed, but all of them didn't quite work on the page.
One piece in the collection, however, did melt my heart. It was actually the piece that upon reading it in the store made me buy the rest of the collection. It was titled, "The Rest of Us..." which I hope is a reference to Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us. Ivan Coyote goes to their grandmother's funeral and gives a moving eulogy. The Roman Catholic priest, seeing their suit and tie, mistakes them for cis gender guy and tells them, "Once again, I must say you're a gifted orator. A natural, even. Have you ever considered the priest hood?" Coyote considers his grandmother's love for the Church and simply responds with, "No father, I have to admit, I have never considered the priest hood. But thanks again for the compliment." It's a very humorous anecdote, but one that also explores genuine moment of human connection and reflection.
One piece in the collection, however, did melt my heart. It was actually the piece that upon reading it in the store made me buy the rest of the collection. It was titled, "The Rest of Us..." which I hope is a reference to Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us. Ivan Coyote goes to their grandmother's funeral and gives a moving eulogy. The Roman Catholic priest, seeing their suit and tie, mistakes them for cis gender guy and tells them, "Once again, I must say you're a gifted orator. A natural, even. Have you ever considered the priest hood?" Coyote considers his grandmother's love for the Church and simply responds with, "No father, I have to admit, I have never considered the priest hood. But thanks again for the compliment." It's a very humorous anecdote, but one that also explores genuine moment of human connection and reflection.
June 19, 2017
I really enjoyed this book. I had a problem deciding if I should shelve it with short-stories or memoir, but I bought it second hand with a library sticker on it saying FIC, so I trust unto librarians. The same week I read this I read Liz Duck-Chong's profile of Ivan in Kill Your Darlings, and experienced the same dissonance I experienced when I read Halberstam's Female Masculinity alongside a recent Halberstam interview. In both cases some things have shifted in the author's gender presentation, and possibly gender experience, but if it's public knowledge *what* shifted or why, I don't know it. Which is fine, but the dissonance comes in in that something in their old self-presentation, the butch identity that both is and is not woman, speaks to me. I'm not sure what it is, and it feels kind of weird to go looking for it knowing that's no longer how the author thinks of themself.
October 5, 2014
I really loved this collection of essays that grew out of Coyote's own experience. They were a neat window into their life and I like how they talk about experience. There was a gamut, certainly, and most of them include a couple of encounters that were not always immediately related for me - but someone reading slower might have a different experience.
Will be reading more by this writer!
Will be reading more by this writer!
August 10, 2010
Ivan is a masterful storyteller. We just received finished books today but of course I get to read the stories earlier. Damn, Ivan can write and Ivan can tell a story.
Makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me cry.
Ivan E Coyote is it.
Makes me laugh, makes me think and makes me cry.
Ivan E Coyote is it.
December 23, 2012
I have such a crush on Ivan E. Coyote. Amazing book. <3 /fangirl
May 1, 2025
Ivan soothes my queer heart with tales of butch camaraderie, growing up different, and adventure in the big bad world. I'll always turn to them for advice, guidance, or just a good story.
February 26, 2015
Short essays based on the authors life as a butch lesbian in small town Canada. Filled with warmth and humour.
November 4, 2016
Great writer
May 23, 2024
First Ivan Coyote book I read when I was about 15. Probably saved my life.
May 10, 2023
I enjoyed this, and any representation of queer culture is a win. Ivan captures such humanity in this collection. Such lovely moments of interaction, of quiet joy, of recognition.
There are a few elements that feel outdated already; one story, Je Suis Femme contains what frankly appears as a little judgement on those in the sapphic community who aren’t exclusively butch/femme, although Ivan includes a genuine qualifier. Another element is the author themselves; since this is from 2010, Ivan has since come out as non-binary trans. That doesn’t render this any less potent, but the identity politics seems a bit distanced from the change and growth Ivan has done over the past decade.
None of that is important, really. Because overall, Missed Her is a lovely, moving collection of stories that celebrate our differences. They focus on the small wins, the wonderful connections we make in the world, especially those in the queer community. Those details are what bring us together; they’re the ground we’re built on, and the meaning and love we find.
There are a few elements that feel outdated already; one story, Je Suis Femme contains what frankly appears as a little judgement on those in the sapphic community who aren’t exclusively butch/femme, although Ivan includes a genuine qualifier. Another element is the author themselves; since this is from 2010, Ivan has since come out as non-binary trans. That doesn’t render this any less potent, but the identity politics seems a bit distanced from the change and growth Ivan has done over the past decade.
None of that is important, really. Because overall, Missed Her is a lovely, moving collection of stories that celebrate our differences. They focus on the small wins, the wonderful connections we make in the world, especially those in the queer community. Those details are what bring us together; they’re the ground we’re built on, and the meaning and love we find.
June 26, 2017
Ivan Coyote has such a gift for capturing life's stories... the only problem with this book is that it was over too soon.
I am not going to give a longer review because I am going on to read my next Ivan Coyote book.
I am not going to give a longer review because I am going on to read my next Ivan Coyote book.
June 23, 2021
sweet n cute! happy, silly, oozing-warmth kinda gay bookie. knowing ivan and their ex wife split up even after writing the last chapter makes me think ok heartbreak won't kill me also ivan coyote is so hecking hot they can hit me up anytime yoohoo
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 3, 2025
Ivan's stories are always a blend of humour, heartbreak, tenderness, anger and love. This collection was great but their perspective on butch/femme dynamics is a bit dated (this book came out in 2010) and I know that their views have evolved over time.
May 4, 2017
Lovely collection of short stories that are like small memoires: incredibly personal and some poignantly beautiful, particularly when (s)he writes about his/her grandmother.
July 9, 2017
Interesting stories...I liked the setup, each little chapter was a different story...and they were short...enjoyed reading this book
July 14, 2017
Loved this book, smart and funny has me heading to the book store for more of Ivan's wit and charm ❤
April 12, 2018
Love this author so much. If Ivan Coyote updated the phone book I'd read that... :)
May 27, 2018
Another winner from Ivan Coyote! He is a gifted story teller. The pages just keep turning.
April 22, 2019
I really love Ivan's stuff. Beautifully written though often simple and sweet and so relatable. Inspires me to write my own stories down :)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 92 reviews