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You Were Always Mom's Favorite!: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives
NEW YORK TIMES BESTELLER
Conversations between sisters reveal a deep and constant tug between two dynamics—an impulse toward closeness and an impulse toward competition. It takes just a word from your sister to start you laughing, or to summon up a past you both share. But it also takes just a word to send you into an emotional tailspin. For many women, a sister is both a devoted friend and a fierce rival.
Wise and witty, You Were Always Mom’s Favorite! will leave you with a profound new understanding of the unique and precious sister bond, as well as provide practical advice that will open up communication, dispel tensions, and make a vital connection even stronger, deeper, and more resilient.
Conversations between sisters reveal a deep and constant tug between two dynamics—an impulse toward closeness and an impulse toward competition. It takes just a word from your sister to start you laughing, or to summon up a past you both share. But it also takes just a word to send you into an emotional tailspin. For many women, a sister is both a devoted friend and a fierce rival.
Wise and witty, You Were Always Mom’s Favorite! will leave you with a profound new understanding of the unique and precious sister bond, as well as provide practical advice that will open up communication, dispel tensions, and make a vital connection even stronger, deeper, and more resilient.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 8, 2009
45 people are currently reading
766 people want to read
About the author
Deborah Tannen
60 books329 followersDeborah Tannen is best known as the author of You Just Don't Understand, which was on The New York Times Best Seller list for nearly four years years, including eight months as No. 1, and has been translated into 29 languages. It was also on best seller lists in Brazil, Canada, England, Germany, Holland, and Hong Kong. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication style to the forefront of public awareness. Her book Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work , a New York Times Business Best Seller, does for the workplace what the earlier book did for women and men talking at home. She has also made a training video, Talking 9 to 5. Her book, The Argument Culture, received the Common Ground Book Award. Her book, I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults, received a Books for a Better Life Award. Her latest book, You're Wearing THAT?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation, was recently published in paperback by Ballantine; it spent ten weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List after its initial publication in 2006.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
Deborah Tannen is a frequent guest on television and radio news and information shows. In connection with You're Wearing THAT? she appeared on 20/20, Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Rachael Ray Talk Show, the CBS Early Show, and on NPR's Morning Edition and the Diane Rehm show. The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, 48 Hours, CBS News, ABC World News Tonight, Oprah, CNN, Larry King, Hardball, Nightline, and NPR are among the major television and radio shows on which Dr. Tannen has appeared in connection with previous books. She has been featured in and written for most major newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, Newsweek, Time, USA Today, People, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.
Dr. Tannen has lectured all over the world. Her audiences have included corporations such as Corning, Chevron, Motorola, Rolm (Siemens), McKinsey and Co., and Delta, as well as the Board of Trustees of The Wharton School and a gathering of United States senators and their spouses. Combining the results of years of research and observation with videotaped real-life footage of office interaction, Dr. Tannen gives her audiences a new framework for understanding what happens in conversations both in the workplace and at home.
In addition to her linguistic research and writing, Dr. Tannen has published poetry, short stories, and personal essays. Her first play, "An Act of Devotion," is included in The Best American Short Plays: 1993-1994. It was produced, together with her play "Sisters," by Horizons Theatre in Arlington, Virginia in 1995.
Deborah Tannen is on the linguistics department faculty at Georgetown University, where she is one of only two in the College of Arts and Sciences who hold the distinguished rank of University Professor. She has been McGraw Distinguished Lecturer at Princeton University, and was a fellow at the Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in Stanford, California, following a term in residence at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey. She has published twenty-one books and over 100 articles and is the recipient of five honorary doctorates. Dr. Tannen is a member of the PEN/Faulkner Foundation Board and the Board of Horizons Theatre.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 130 reviews
September 19, 2009
As the oldest of four sisters (and a brother) I was interested to hear what Tannen had to say. I recognized myself in so many of her stories, and found myself wanting to talk to my mom and sisters as I went through the book. "Did you feel like that?" "Can you see now why I would act that way?" and so forth. There was one paragraph that for me encapsulated the conflicts I've had with my sisters, past and present:
"Sisters are inescapably in competition even as they are companions traveling down the same road. I used to say to my parents, with a glimmer of humor, that they obviously meant more to me than I did to them because they had three daughters, but I only had one mother and one father. Though I said this with a smile, it was true: All my filial devotion and love went to them, whereas their parental care had to be distributed among three children. In families with more than one child, each additional child necessarily limits the available resources - time and attention as well as money. Limited resources make competition inevitable, and whenever there is competition it makes sense to try to weaken or even eliminate rivals."
And then later in the book, "That is what all the comparisons come down to: Who is more deserving of the ultimate resource, parents' love?"
Tannen's study helped me better understand my own behavior toward my sisters. So many of her examples hit home - noticing how many pictures mom has displayed of whom, being hyper-aware of money spent on siblings (not because I need the money, but because it seems representative of parental love and attention), feeling left out when other sisters demonstrate alliances of which I am not a part, trying to align myself with my mother in her parenting role by criticizing my younger sister's behavior, and then feeling betrayed when instead mom aligned with her, recognizing myself as both the judgmental and the protecting oldest sister... I could go on and on. I hope this heightened awareness can help me improve my mostly-good relationships with the wonderful women who are my sisters.
All in all, I think this is a must-read for all sisters, mothers of sisters, or anyone for whom a sister-relationship is important in life.
"Sisters are inescapably in competition even as they are companions traveling down the same road. I used to say to my parents, with a glimmer of humor, that they obviously meant more to me than I did to them because they had three daughters, but I only had one mother and one father. Though I said this with a smile, it was true: All my filial devotion and love went to them, whereas their parental care had to be distributed among three children. In families with more than one child, each additional child necessarily limits the available resources - time and attention as well as money. Limited resources make competition inevitable, and whenever there is competition it makes sense to try to weaken or even eliminate rivals."
And then later in the book, "That is what all the comparisons come down to: Who is more deserving of the ultimate resource, parents' love?"
Tannen's study helped me better understand my own behavior toward my sisters. So many of her examples hit home - noticing how many pictures mom has displayed of whom, being hyper-aware of money spent on siblings (not because I need the money, but because it seems representative of parental love and attention), feeling left out when other sisters demonstrate alliances of which I am not a part, trying to align myself with my mother in her parenting role by criticizing my younger sister's behavior, and then feeling betrayed when instead mom aligned with her, recognizing myself as both the judgmental and the protecting oldest sister... I could go on and on. I hope this heightened awareness can help me improve my mostly-good relationships with the wonderful women who are my sisters.
All in all, I think this is a must-read for all sisters, mothers of sisters, or anyone for whom a sister-relationship is important in life.
January 6, 2010
The holidays are always rough. As Sally says in "When Harry Met Sally": “A lot of suicides.” And while family is supposed to make things better, they can often make things worse. I have two younger sisters, and we’ve had difficult relationships at times. (We get along currently and I’d like things to stay that way.) So in preparation for Christmas, I downloaded Deborah Tannen’s You Were Always Mom’s Favorite! (do I even need to give you the subtitle? That title is so perfect, you’ve got to already know it’s about sisters. But if you insist, it is: Sisters in Conversation Throughout Their Lives.) I listened to it on the way to my sister’s house, and on the way home (I will be seeing them again this weekend). Deborah Tannen is an academic so this is backed with real research, but she’s great at writing for a general audience and giving concrete examples. And she’s also a youngest sister. She’s done hundreds of interviews with sisters (why no brothers? Because they don’t talk to each other or to their sisters, and it’s hard to have communication issues when there’s no communication. You don’t have to like it, but that’s how things are.)
It’s been absolutely fascinating. For instance, it never occurred to me when I went away to college that younger sisters can see that as a “decision” that I had control over (it was absolutely assumed I was going to college and I really didn’t think I had a choice. And as for going away, my father was angry I went to a college “only” 400 miles away as he wanted me to experience life in another part of the country.) And I also didn’t realize that this “decision” impacted them. The family dynamics were different when I was gone. And even more so on the youngest sister when the middle sister left too. So sometimes the youngest child can be resentful of the oldest ones going away, but the older kids don’t necessarily have any idea why the younger is mad. (Would this explain why my youngest sister went as far away as geographically possible in the continental US?) Ms. Tannen herself felt abandoned by her older sisters when they went off to college and got married.
She also talks about the confluence of “competition” and “comparison” (what is more often the latter often sometimes gets confused with the former.) For instance, one thing that marginalizes the younger children is when people meet two sisters for the first time they’ll usually ask “who’s older?” Never “who’s younger?” By default that implies that “older” is what you want to be and therefore is better. Makes perfect sense although again, had never occurred to me before.
Another potential issue she brings up is that frequently when there are more than 2 sisters, the last sister is always assumed to have been conceived in hopes of having a boy. Many youngest sisters report that is normally the first question they are asked when their family is explained: “Did your parents wish you were a boy?” No one means to be hurtful in saying that but we should all watch what we say. (For the record, no, my parents actually didn’t want a boy when my youngest sister was born.)
While I lived in New York I was in therapy for a bit (everyone was. It’s THE thing to do in New York) and I learned that often just understanding where other people are coming from helps a relationship immensely. It affects the dynamic and when you change how you relate to people, suddenly you stop having the same disagreements. Now I’m not claiming this book fixed everything and my sisters and I will never exchange a cross word again, but it was enlightening. And I particularly feel vindicated when Ms. Tannen says after all her research, she is now very sympathetic and understanding to the plight of oldest sisters.
Ms. Tannen is an adequate narrator, but she runs things together at times so it’s hard to know when there’s a new chapter or a section break or if what she just read is a section header. I do like listening to books read by the author, but occasionally it can be obvious this person isn’t a professional reader.
I have been talking about this book for days to anyone who will listen. It is truly fascinating, particularly for anyone who has a sister.
It’s been absolutely fascinating. For instance, it never occurred to me when I went away to college that younger sisters can see that as a “decision” that I had control over (it was absolutely assumed I was going to college and I really didn’t think I had a choice. And as for going away, my father was angry I went to a college “only” 400 miles away as he wanted me to experience life in another part of the country.) And I also didn’t realize that this “decision” impacted them. The family dynamics were different when I was gone. And even more so on the youngest sister when the middle sister left too. So sometimes the youngest child can be resentful of the oldest ones going away, but the older kids don’t necessarily have any idea why the younger is mad. (Would this explain why my youngest sister went as far away as geographically possible in the continental US?) Ms. Tannen herself felt abandoned by her older sisters when they went off to college and got married.
She also talks about the confluence of “competition” and “comparison” (what is more often the latter often sometimes gets confused with the former.) For instance, one thing that marginalizes the younger children is when people meet two sisters for the first time they’ll usually ask “who’s older?” Never “who’s younger?” By default that implies that “older” is what you want to be and therefore is better. Makes perfect sense although again, had never occurred to me before.
Another potential issue she brings up is that frequently when there are more than 2 sisters, the last sister is always assumed to have been conceived in hopes of having a boy. Many youngest sisters report that is normally the first question they are asked when their family is explained: “Did your parents wish you were a boy?” No one means to be hurtful in saying that but we should all watch what we say. (For the record, no, my parents actually didn’t want a boy when my youngest sister was born.)
While I lived in New York I was in therapy for a bit (everyone was. It’s THE thing to do in New York) and I learned that often just understanding where other people are coming from helps a relationship immensely. It affects the dynamic and when you change how you relate to people, suddenly you stop having the same disagreements. Now I’m not claiming this book fixed everything and my sisters and I will never exchange a cross word again, but it was enlightening. And I particularly feel vindicated when Ms. Tannen says after all her research, she is now very sympathetic and understanding to the plight of oldest sisters.
Ms. Tannen is an adequate narrator, but she runs things together at times so it’s hard to know when there’s a new chapter or a section break or if what she just read is a section header. I do like listening to books read by the author, but occasionally it can be obvious this person isn’t a professional reader.
I have been talking about this book for days to anyone who will listen. It is truly fascinating, particularly for anyone who has a sister.
April 12, 2010
Neal A. Maxwell quoted another author once that "We learn to cope with the people of this world because we learn to cope with the members of our family." I thought of that as I read this book.
I recommend this book to any woman who has sisters. I enjoyed D. Tannen's most recent book as well--"You're Wearing THAT?" (about mother-daughter relationships)--and this one is in the same vein. She listens in on various sister-sister conversations, whether reported secondhand or experienced firsthand, and then offers her take on the situation to the readers of her book.
I have different relationships with all of my sisters and sisters-in-law, and I recognized hints of us in many of the case studies. What I liked best was how the author (an expert in communications and linguistics) took apart the conversations she studied and could explain all points of view.
I hope that I can take what I learned from this book and improve my...sisterships. As I read this book, I realized even more how much I value my sisters, though I don't always show it. Sure, there's sometimes drama, but that's part of being a girl. I have always taken having 3 sisters and 4 SILs for granted--I hope I don't again.
I recommend this book to any woman who has sisters. I enjoyed D. Tannen's most recent book as well--"You're Wearing THAT?" (about mother-daughter relationships)--and this one is in the same vein. She listens in on various sister-sister conversations, whether reported secondhand or experienced firsthand, and then offers her take on the situation to the readers of her book.
I have different relationships with all of my sisters and sisters-in-law, and I recognized hints of us in many of the case studies. What I liked best was how the author (an expert in communications and linguistics) took apart the conversations she studied and could explain all points of view.
I hope that I can take what I learned from this book and improve my...sisterships. As I read this book, I realized even more how much I value my sisters, though I don't always show it. Sure, there's sometimes drama, but that's part of being a girl. I have always taken having 3 sisters and 4 SILs for granted--I hope I don't again.
January 25, 2017
As I read this book I recognize the many aspects of my stepdaughters' relationship with each other, and understand them better. For that alone the book is worth 4 stars.
May 24, 2011
If you have sisters...and I have 3....you should read this book. I listened to it on cd, it was so interesting. Deborah Tannen is one smart lady. This is a self-help book but she's really not telling you what to do or what to change, she simply tells what is! btw - I am not mom's favorite :)
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May 28, 2015I quit listening to this as the narrator was so annoying. It sounded like she was licking her lips or something similar and breathing wonka into the microphone. I doubt I will pick it up in book format as it just didn't grab my attention.
September 17, 2017
Well I was looking for help with this book, as to how to improve or change my relationship with my own sister. Sister relationships are also one of the themes in my novel, and my real life sister and I went on a holiday together, like the fictional ones in the novel, so as you can see things get a bit complex for me. After my real life holiday with my sister, I was left reeling at the differences between us, and yet we share a past and a bond due to being sisters. Deborah Tannen covers the paradoxical nature of sisterhood or what she calls 'sisterness' very well.
Through her interviews, it's very clear that many sisters maintain they are very different. It's what she heard again and again. She points out there are the polarities of connection and competition which I can very much relate to. She gives insights about differing expectations which are illuminating and much food for thought. All that was missing for me was more in depth psychology on older and younger positions, while I would have liked a summary at the end of the key points.
If you have a sister or sisters, this book will shed light on your relationships and help you enhance them. A good read.
Through her interviews, it's very clear that many sisters maintain they are very different. It's what she heard again and again. She points out there are the polarities of connection and competition which I can very much relate to. She gives insights about differing expectations which are illuminating and much food for thought. All that was missing for me was more in depth psychology on older and younger positions, while I would have liked a summary at the end of the key points.
If you have a sister or sisters, this book will shed light on your relationships and help you enhance them. A good read.
September 11, 2022
3.5 stars. I enjoy Tannen's books because they don't try to prescribe one type of behavior on a whole group of people or try to make any sweeping generalizations. She just describes what she sees and categorizes different types of conversations. So I don't always relate to them, but I definitely can understand where those reactions might come from. Her books always make me consider myself and my own relationships in different ways, and I do appreciate that. This one had me considering a lot of different aspects of my relationship with my sister and my mom, and might've helped me put some things into perspective.
February 5, 2021
I kept waiting for something with this book and it never came. I feel like I maybe could’ve gotten more out of it if I wasn’t expecting it to be a self-help type book. It’s literally filled with scenarios of sister conversations and analyzing them...while slightly disappointing, this book was accurate.
December 30, 2025
This collection and presentation of reflections on sisters' conversations and interactions - from those of historically documented sisters to those of the living - is detailed and interesting.
I think I'd have enjoyed a different physical organization of the topics, but cannot explain what needs changed to eliminate the sense of disarray.
The title needs a redo itself - it makes it seem a cutesy or humorous book; and while there are moments, it is not either of those things.
I don't have time to finish it thoroughly, but will revisit if that time is found.
I think I'd have enjoyed a different physical organization of the topics, but cannot explain what needs changed to eliminate the sense of disarray.
The title needs a redo itself - it makes it seem a cutesy or humorous book; and while there are moments, it is not either of those things.
I don't have time to finish it thoroughly, but will revisit if that time is found.
April 26, 2019
a little dry & clinical.
also, most of it seemed obvious especially if you've ever taken psychology or sociology classes in college.
all that aside, it was thoroughly & well researched.
also, most of it seemed obvious especially if you've ever taken psychology or sociology classes in college.
all that aside, it was thoroughly & well researched.
January 10, 2024
I don't have any sisters, but my mom is one of 5 sisters + a brother and I've watched their dynamics in wonder my whole life. I've got some good conversation starters for next time I see her!
March 3, 2017
This is such a fun book to read ! I have three sisters and I can relate to this book. I have a very good relationship with my sisters but when we were growing up, we were always competing against each other and blaming each other. And after reading this book I can understand why. This is book for sharing with your sisters ! Enjoy !
March 1, 2015
This book was in a stack "to read" at the Cape and I am glad I read it this weekend. Years ago I read the author's other book, "You're Wearing That?" (about mother-daughter relationships) and enjoyed it. This time the author shares stories from her own life and others who are lucky enough to have a sister or sisters. The conversations are centered around themes about being in a family, age differences, competition, and how sisters deal with having their own children. I liked that the author presented vignettes of conversations and then discussed the conversation about the "how" and "why" of the sister talk. Nothing scientific-just one woman's take on the sister bond. No matter what, each family dynamic is different but I am glad I have two sisters with our own special relationship and memories with more to come. One funny story-the author talked about sisters shifting frames (p. 16) and we used to do this at my mom's house!! When I went I would make sure my kid's pictures were all lied up on the mantel instead of spread out in the living room. (Mom was so neutral and wanted the same number of frames for each child/grandchild and always wanted to be fair with the pictures spread out in the room.) Anyway-lot's of fun sister stories! Another fun sister time for us has been time for our recent "big" birthdays and the one-on-one talk time was just incredible. Of course drinking a lot of Skinny Girl Cosmo's helped us too. Can't wait till sister weekend in NYC in April with both my amazing sisters who mean the world to me and we have some big family celebrations this year with more to come. Go sister team KES! (Kathy, Eileen, Sharon)
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July 6, 2012So far, not the best work on the subject of sister communication, but I will finish it to see if additional insights unfold. (Update: couldn't finish it.)
Some interesting case studies could pique the interest of women with sisters and testimonials abound, but there's just not enough objectivity as I would expect from this scholar.
However, Tannen's effort still deserves respect as she takes on this daunting task. It's a bit more than anyone could expect in a single volume on the subject of "sisters in conversation."
p.s. Book titles are powerful things. That being said, I forgot to mention that I do not like the title of this book. And not because it's Freudian. Because it's a quote I have never said. I merely do not think in these terms. Although I know other's have and other's do... That being said, I would have never bought this book based on the title alone. I purchased it because I have read her book, "You Just Don't Understand" and others. In fairness and truth, I have repeated the latter quote numerous times to others, therefore, proving to myself, that I am not the only person, that at times, has felt or has been misunderstood. Lots of disclosure here! But that's what good communication is all about.
Deborah Tannen's insights are keen and her research in the area of Communication Studies-groundbreaking.
Some interesting case studies could pique the interest of women with sisters and testimonials abound, but there's just not enough objectivity as I would expect from this scholar.
However, Tannen's effort still deserves respect as she takes on this daunting task. It's a bit more than anyone could expect in a single volume on the subject of "sisters in conversation."
p.s. Book titles are powerful things. That being said, I forgot to mention that I do not like the title of this book. And not because it's Freudian. Because it's a quote I have never said. I merely do not think in these terms. Although I know other's have and other's do... That being said, I would have never bought this book based on the title alone. I purchased it because I have read her book, "You Just Don't Understand" and others. In fairness and truth, I have repeated the latter quote numerous times to others, therefore, proving to myself, that I am not the only person, that at times, has felt or has been misunderstood. Lots of disclosure here! But that's what good communication is all about.
Deborah Tannen's insights are keen and her research in the area of Communication Studies-groundbreaking.
February 15, 2016
When sisters' family relationships are able to muddle along and maintain emotional closeness through the many stages of life, Deborah Tannen's book may seem almost superfluous. Insight isn't always sought when everyone appears to be comfortable, content and free of undercurrents of conflict. However, for those sisters' connections hobbled by misunderstanding, misplaced rivalry, assumptions of motives of behaviour based on role assignment by parents, trickle down expectations and beliefs held by those sisters' mothers - all causing pain, perhaps alienation, distrust- Deborah Tannen's book provides a starting point in examining how the sister relationships break down. It may be only the reader, the one sister who has watched an unrelated crisis cause unresolved childhood needs in another sister to blow apart their relationship, who gains understanding. Resolution in this case is a personal process, and Tannen gives examples of uneasy peace crafted to suit the individuals. Tannen's gift is insight, the defining of the peculiar weighted language between close family members, filled with the layers of recalled personal history, "meta messages". How we communicate with each other, what we say needs clarity and troubled sister relationships are complex, far from transparent and in need of the insights "You Were Always Mom's Favorite!" provides. A great book.
March 24, 2015
Having read and enjoyed a few of Deborah Tannen’s books and as a person with two sisters, I was intrigued about what she could reveal about these unique relationships. Tannen offers a linguist’s view ((Professor at Georgetown University) of how sisters relate. Specifically, she analyzes sister’s relationship issues using their conversations as her guide. Like all important relationships those of sisters are complicated and at times, fraught with difficulties. By observing sister’s conversations, she discusses the special dynamics of these relationships. Some of the aspects discussed are e.g. the love and hate aspects, competition, the sister relationship within the larger family dynamic, roles assigned and chosen, special “sister speech”, strong and weak ties and conflict issues. If you have sisters this book may enlighten and if you don’t have sisters, this book will illuminate what you are missing out on…mostly good.
Marsha Y. / Marathon County Public Library
Find this book in our library catalog.
February 12, 2010
I didn't really read this book. I skimmed through and picked out the chapters or parts that I thought were interesting. I don't have a sister but wanted to participate in an extended-family book discussion. I am a sister though and know many sisters. I think there is much in this book that could be helpful.
Deborah Tannen is a Professor of Linguistics and she helped me understand, once again, that it's not so much what you say but how you say it. I thought the stories that Tannen related to make a point were interesting. Many of them were from her students. I don't know how they could remember some of their stories or why they agonized over some incident that happened when they were much younger.
Tannen made me wonder how parents or siblings could control competition or jealousy. So much depends on the nature of the child. I think I'd like to take a course from Tannen. Also, instead of trying to read it this may have been a good book to listen to.
Deborah Tannen is a Professor of Linguistics and she helped me understand, once again, that it's not so much what you say but how you say it. I thought the stories that Tannen related to make a point were interesting. Many of them were from her students. I don't know how they could remember some of their stories or why they agonized over some incident that happened when they were much younger.
Tannen made me wonder how parents or siblings could control competition or jealousy. So much depends on the nature of the child. I think I'd like to take a course from Tannen. Also, instead of trying to read it this may have been a good book to listen to.
October 20, 2010
I liked this one better than the other book on sister relationships that I recently read. The writing was less dense and less jargon-heavy, and the examples were good. I'm not sure the "sisters in conversation" subtitle is quite accurate, though, since I didn't feel like it was really an analysis of the *language* sisters use with each other. It was more psychology than linguistics, I felt, focused on women's attitudes and biases but not really getting at those things via their words and language as much as I expected. Still, definitely a worthwhile read and interesting to get a whole section of insights from the perspective of the younger sister, since that's totally outside my experience as the older of two sisters. It was very useful to get an idea of how and why my younger sister might perceive actions and words differently from my own perceptions. I'd like for my sister to read the book too, so that we each might have a little better idea of where the other is coming from.
September 15, 2010
I had hoped for more from Deborah Tannen's latest foray into the hidden messages we convey in conversation. While I enjoy Tannen's ideas and writing style, I found this book disorganized; I had to keept rechecking the table of contents to see which section I was reading. Was it about older sisters? Wait, then why does she keep talking about younger sisters? With each new section, I hoped for a new, organized set of insights; instead it seemed like she kept saying the same things over and over. I came away from the book feeling that there really was nothing much to say about sisters in conversation that couldn't be said of practically anyone in conversation.
I did like the stories, though. My favorite was the younger sister who heard about her brother-in-law's sudden death and called her sister: "Dad told me about Greg. *pause* Is this a bad time to tell you what's going on in MY life?" Haha, well, YES.
I did like the stories, though. My favorite was the younger sister who heard about her brother-in-law's sudden death and called her sister: "Dad told me about Greg. *pause* Is this a bad time to tell you what's going on in MY life?" Haha, well, YES.
January 2, 2010
This book was pretty interesting for anyone who grew up with a sister I think. I'm not sure how much you would get out of it if you didn't. The author is a linguist who used her training in human interaction to research the relationships between sisters. She used her own experiences with her own two sisters plus the relationships between sisters from around the world to illustrate her points. There of course many things I could relate to in my relationship with my own sister, but also many others didn't personify our relationship at all. I think the most interesting thing was the seeming universality of the way many sisters relate to each other or view their experiences as part of their family. Women of any age or from any country seemed to be sharing the same sorts of feelings. It's probably worth a read if you have a sister.
November 14, 2012
Having recently taken a 4-day vacation with my two sisters, the timing for reading this book was perfect. I've read other of Tannen's books and always find them interesting, but also find that my family doesn't really fit the typical conversational mode that she describes. I don't remember my eldest sister "mothering" me - my next oldest sister tended to do that more, but even she didn't do it that much once I got to be about 8 or so. Tannen's take on the "meta-message" that sisters (and indeed, all family members) deliver with every seemingly simple conversation gave me something to think about. And I saw my sisters and myself in her description of familial conversational styles, and the way in which a sister only has to say a certain phrase or name, and the others are ready to chime in or laugh.
October 19, 2009
I think I was expecting a few less stories and a lot more insight from this book. Maybe it's just that I didn't want to pay for a therapist, but I could've used a little more psycho-babble to help me understand my own relationship with my sister, and this one just didn't offer much except gentle stories from the author's own (good) relationships with her own sisters. So it's definitely not all bad, but not the manual I was looking for to traverse the rocky relationship I have with my own sister.
The stuff on birth order, and why older sisters are who they are, I found particularly interesting (being an older sister and all). However, just not a ton of substance here. Would be hard for me to recommend.
The stuff on birth order, and why older sisters are who they are, I found particularly interesting (being an older sister and all). However, just not a ton of substance here. Would be hard for me to recommend.
September 16, 2014
Deborah Tannen is a professor of linguistics and writer of books about how humans communicate with one another and how that affects their relationships. She is also a youngest sister. This gives her a unique interest in her subject matter. Tannen spent years collecting hundreds of personal interviews. She also used information from student projects and papers along with her own research. This gives the book a very collaborative feel. She goes through different dynamics within the sister relationships, and how communication happens, or doesn’t happen in those situations.
For a full review visit http://ireadalotofbooks.com/you-were-...
For a full review visit http://ireadalotofbooks.com/you-were-...
February 13, 2010
I reread this book, since it was 2 months that I first read some chapters. I wanted to refresh my memory since we are discussing this book. She had some good stories about sisters, but I found that it didn`t pertain to our family that much. My sisters and I were spaced apart by many years, so that could say that we were raised like only childs.
Chapter 2, We`re close but we`re different was my favorite chapter. The section titled Lost Sisters, lost selves brought back the most memories, since we lost our middle sister a few years ago. I think usually the middle sibling is the one that holds the family together.
I`m passing this book along to my daughters, they are closer in age and will enjoy reading it.
Chapter 2, We`re close but we`re different was my favorite chapter. The section titled Lost Sisters, lost selves brought back the most memories, since we lost our middle sister a few years ago. I think usually the middle sibling is the one that holds the family together.
I`m passing this book along to my daughters, they are closer in age and will enjoy reading it.
January 12, 2011
I actually finished this book just before Thanksgiving. If you are going to read a book about sisters, reading it while a bunch of sisters are planning a long-distance Thanksgiving dinner is definitely the way to go. Tannen's work, of course, is pop psychology, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have some recognition points.
I am in the middle of 5 sisters...two older and two younger. One brother (older) is also in the mix. I have always thought of myself as a middle child, which I am, with all of the classic behaviors (always striving to get noticed in the mix). But she also points out that I am also an older sister, and a younger sister, which I did not realize.
For anyone with adult sisters...this is a good read.
I am in the middle of 5 sisters...two older and two younger. One brother (older) is also in the mix. I have always thought of myself as a middle child, which I am, with all of the classic behaviors (always striving to get noticed in the mix). But she also points out that I am also an older sister, and a younger sister, which I did not realize.
For anyone with adult sisters...this is a good read.
Want to read
December 27, 2013Dear Dad,
It's your 100th birthday today. You may not be here to celebrate it, but you are remembered for all the things you taught us and the person that you were. You taught me the meaning of integrity, as you lived it. you taught me that love is a doing word , not just by saying I love you but by the thoughtful things you do for others. You taught me to care about others across the world who have so little, because you were prepared to leave your home and family to help in a practical way.
You never blew your own trumpet, but you lifted others up, especially your wife and family.
You still contribute to this family by the values that you raised us with and the faith in God that you demonstrated. I am grateful that you were my dad, love you and miss you.
It's your 100th birthday today. You may not be here to celebrate it, but you are remembered for all the things you taught us and the person that you were. You taught me the meaning of integrity, as you lived it. you taught me that love is a doing word , not just by saying I love you but by the thoughtful things you do for others. You taught me to care about others across the world who have so little, because you were prepared to leave your home and family to help in a practical way.
You never blew your own trumpet, but you lifted others up, especially your wife and family.
You still contribute to this family by the values that you raised us with and the faith in God that you demonstrated. I am grateful that you were my dad, love you and miss you.
February 13, 2011
This book took me a while, because I was only reading a little before bed, but I finally sat down and finished it, because I found it so interesting. The author, a linguist who has written several other books about relationships and language, looks at sisters, and how they talk to and about each others. She gives insights into the varied aspects and types of relationships between sisters, based on interviews with women, while also not making them seem prescriptive. I wanted to have my sister reading it at the same time, so we could talk about it, and my first impulse on finishing was to call her!
January 10, 2011
This was an extremely enjoyable read and it presents a very interesting and different perspective on relationships between sisters by looking at language and culture. I believe that anyone who has a sister can identify with any one of the situations that the author presents through her research. Coming from someone who is not only one of 6 sisters, but who is the fifth of 6 sisters (my twin sister is the youngest), I could identify a great deal with a lot of Deborah Tannen's research findings. I highly recommend this to anyone who has at least one sister and who is interested in how language and relationships with siblings are interconnected.
June 21, 2015
Anyone with a sister should read this book. All my life, I've grown up wondering if there was something different about my relationship with my sisters. If perhaps we were less functional than others. But now, I realize we're actually incredibly functional and this book has assured me, the vast array of conflicts have been perfectly normal. I only wish everyone would read it. Because it will change how you look at the way you communicate with everyone. It also breaks down why certain comments uttered by siblings have the power to sting more than anything anyone else can say. Really worth the read.
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