Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion & Reason

by Edwin A. Locke, Ellen Kenner

Just about everything most of us have learned about how to find love is wrong. That’s the premise of The Selfish Path to Romance. Love is not about sacrifice. Real, lasting romance comes when you are certain about yourself, your needs, and your worth. In the words of top-selling novelist and philosopher Ayn Rand, “It is one’s one personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns and derives from love.” Authors Dr. Edwin Locke and Dr. Ellen Kenner are inspired by the work of philosopher and novelist Ayn Rand. Their book explores Ayn Rand’s belief that the assertion of your own needs and values is the foundation of love. The Selfish Path to Romance offers a no-nonsense, rational alternative for those who are serious about finding and sustaining a lifetime romance. Be prepared to have your preconceptions shattered, your intuition challenged, and be ready for candid introspection.

Genres: Philosophy, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology

282 pages, Paperback

First published September 21, 2010

Reviews

[Torunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great guide. Although the book was not groundbreaking to me, as an objectivist most of the contents where familiar and therefore not challenging. But there's exercises that helps introspection and a lot of examples to help apply it to real life. It's a good reminder of all the small things that makes a good relationship. The book has helped a great deal in my relationship and I'm likely to pick it up again for guidance. That's why I give it 5 stars

[Angel Walker-Werth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely aimed at Objectivists, but some useful advice!

[Kiki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very challenging in the sense that it not only challenges the concepts of love and marriage many of us have been taught, but it also challenges one to be a better person as well in order to build a new idea of a healthy relationship. I personally love self-help books with exercises, and this book did not disappoint. I like the practical application that the questions at the end of each chapter provided. So thought provoking, I felt the book would be applicable to a wide audience. Married people, happily or not, can obviously benefit. At the same time, I wished I would have had this book long before that special person came along. I believe it would prove invaluable for the single person to learn of themselves and of love before it comes along. Even as a romance writer, the book gave me new ways to contemplate the fictional relationships I create.

I was impressed by the amount of research apparent in this book. It made the knowledge shared sound. At the same time, it was easy to understand with a wealth of new information, not a recap of the old by a long shot! But, don’t get me wrong, while the book is easy to understand, it is not a light read. The ideas presented are in depth and make you analyze yourself in new ways. The easy to identify with couple examples given throughout the book further each point too. There is really just so much in this book, I wouldn’t know where to begin to summarize it! And, I won’t try. What I will do is encourage you to buy it!

The concepts are wonderful like finding a passion for life and finding harmony between reason and emotion. What stands out to me, having read it and looking back? Let me give you one example from early in the book, as I hate to give too much away. The authors took the idea of putting someone else above yourself and showed how this can lead to giving up your own values and loosing your identity. Mine statement is an over-simplification of all they taught here, but it was freeing and made such sense once you gave the idea a chance. In fact, they talked about becoming imprisoned by a ‘perfect’ life feeling a hypocrite and resenting those who rob you of all your time and energy. The authors instead radically speak of selfish, egotistical love where both partners know who they are and support each others goals and desires. I think my own marriage is an example of how this is true. As a book writer married to a song writer, we are both each other’s biggest fans. And, I know I would not be where I am today without the undying support of my husband for my work, and I hope I do the same for him.

Beyond that, many words and phrases stick out to me: secure, firm sense of identity, value yourself, introspection, being egotistic in picking a partner who is good for us, ever-changing emotions are allowed, trade and earned, finding oneself is important to a successful relationship, explore your values, genuine happiness as a productive and meaningful life with a partner, etc… One of my favorite lines is “Selfless people cannot have self-esteem, because they have no self to esteem.”

The back of this book says “A thought-provoking and objective guide to finding and nurturing rational relationships.” And, that is exactly what this book is. It gives you the tools, no matter how unconventional they may sound at first, to build a solid relationship, one that endures. Isn’t that what we all want? Personally, I consider myself lucky to have experienced ‘love at first sight’ (which the book calls ‘a first impression that proves accurate’) and married a man who has become my best friend. After 15 wonderful years of marriage and counting, I know we will both benefit from having this book, building upon what we have and thriving still in years to come.

[Jeffrey Falk · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good guide with a somewhat misleading title. It is thinner in content on how to find romance. It is better when guiding the reader on "compromise" (to mutual benefit), resolving conflict, and the thorny topic of divorce. Although not listed as a co-author on Goodreads, Ellen Kenner, host of "The Rational Basis of Happiness", co-wrote the book.

[Jean Ventura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for anyone in a happy relationship or looking to be in one

The power of Rand's ideas never ceases to amaze me.

No waste. To the point and full of valuable ideas.

[Tori Viesta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not just a good book about love but also about the importance of self and learning how to put you first in a lot of healthy ways!!

[Sarah Malione · Rating 5 out of 5]

*SELFISH ROMANCE*

[Ash Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book about romance written from the perspective of Ayn Rand's philosophy of Objectivism...but really, it's kind of just common sense. The problem is that the Judeo-Christian/altruist ethics have dominated our culture for so long that they tend to override common sense when it comes to trying to deal with difficult issues in relationships.[return][return]The basic approach taken by Locke and Kenner is that you don't want to be either an altruist or a narcissist (a term they take from their experience as clinical psychologists). In other words, you don't want to walk all over other people, but you don't want to be a doormat and let other people walk all over you, either. Either approach is a romance killer...one is bad for yourself, and one is bad for your partner, so both are bad for your relationship (and hence actually for both you and your partner).[return][return]Rather, romantic relationships should be win-win, with each partner finding happiness in the relationship and wanting happiness for the other partner as well. They go through a number of areas of relationships (including, of course, sex), drawing on their clinical experience to illustrate common problems, and demonstrate how a rationally egoistic approach can create such a win-win scenario for each.[return][return]But before they even get to examining relationships as such, they look at a more fundamental issue: if you want to be loved, first you have to make yourself loveable. So the early part of the book is devoted to looking at traits of character to cultivate in order to be worthy of love, and some character flaws to eliminate that are common sources of conflict in relationships.[return][return]There is some valuable material here---anybody could probably find something to take away from this book that would help them improve their love life. Definitely worth a read!

[Miranda Barzey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't think the authors really decided who their audience was for this book. I think for seasoned Objectivists/Ayn Rand fans, it is too basic. It was more of a refresher of ideas than a book that really challenged my beliefs or introduced new ideas. For non-Objectivists, I think it didn't explain enough of Ayn Rand's philosophy. For instance, some words and concepts which have very specific meanings for Objectivists were not clarified. I think this lack of direction makes it a good, but not great book. I would like to see another, more advanced book on this topic specifically for Objectivists.

The one thing new I did take away was the idea of "visibility." I like the idea that we need to work to make our partners feel visible: that is loved, understood, heard, and appreciated. I think this idea fits in well with other systems of personality interaction I like, such as the 5 love languages or the MBTI personality types.

[P. Henninger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love is a difficult subject. Don't believe me? Try and find a rational discussion of what it means to love someone. Our ability to reason is what makes us human; it then follows that using that ability to understand why we love, will make it a more fulfilling experience. Understanding how a thing works is always key to making it work well, or fixing it if it doesn't. The authors offer a refreshing perspective, one that any thinking person will find fascinating (and useful).

I especially liked their insights on sex. Our media culture emphasizes sex in so many detrimental ways, only addressing the physical nature of the act, but not the emotional, which is what makes sex between lovers a very human act. This book shines a rational light on the whole act without taking any of the "magic" away, maybe even showing ways to make it better. Thoughtful lovers want to pay attention to what is going on "behind the curtain", this book shows how.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very deep book. I read it in only a few days because every section had something I could have picked straight from my own life or relationship. It was eye opening. I understand some issues now that I knew were going on but that I couldn't explicitly name. I didn't even wait until I was finished reading it before I passed it onto my husband.

[Jonathan Bolton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent. If I find someone who is semi-rational, I will be ready! ;)

[Nixon Sucuc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book.
I will definitely re-read and keep consulting this book in the future.