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The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) is an extremely widespread, devastating disorder that generally goes unrecognized or misrepresented by what little scientific literature there is on the topic. Therapists are left mystified about how to diagnose and treat it, and patients and other sufferers are at a loss as to what is wrong and how to go about correcting it.
The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder is the only book available to guide both patients and those trying to help them. This thorough and much-needed volume explores the development of AvPD and presents a holistic view of its causes from the psychoanalytic, cognitive-behavioral, and interpersonal perspectives. It offers an extensive section on diagnostic criteria that will be useful to sufferers and therapists, and it discusses the various therapies for AvPD. Finally, and perhaps most critically, the book provides a section intended as a guide for psychiatrists—and a self-help guide for sufferers—including a day-by-day, one-step-at-a-time, monthly guide on how to overcome AvPD.
244 pages, Hardcover
First published February 1, 2010
22 people are currently reading
175 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
March 3, 2013
I was very much hoping for this to be a compassionate and informative book. Sadly it was neither, Kantor goes into empathising with the loved ones of these people, and somehow forgets about trying to empathise with those who have this disorder. This was disappointing given he is the only real author researching this disorder.
October 28, 2018
I should say at the outset that I read only the first 5 or 6 chapters and skimmed the rest. So if what I'm about to criticized is adequately addressed after, say, chapter 6, then that's a fair criticism of my review and shame on me for not noting it.
As a layperson, and therefore a member of one of the target audiences to whom Kantor (the author) directs his book, I have to trust the author as an authority and am on the lookout for signs that what he says might be less than trustworthy. Alas, there are some signs.
Kantor seems less than professional. At one point Kantor cites and criticizes an Amazon reveiwer's take on an earlier book he (Kantor) writes. I forget exactly the context in which Kantor cites the criticism (I've returned the book to the library), but it struck me as kind of petty. I found no explanation of the background for the "case examples" he cites.
When I read books by mental health professionals, one of the first things I look for is a statement about how they use case studies. Do they get permission from the clients they describe? Do they relate stories but change the details? Do they make up examples as amalgams of the types of cases they encounter? To me, the absence clear statement is a yellow flag: I have to consider the author's professionalism and proceed with caution.
Kantor doesn't, as far as I could tell, state whether the examples are amalgams or anonymized cases, or whether he got permission from the clients to tell their story. When I read books by mental health professionals, that's one of the In another case, he mentions his daughter by name and critiques some decisions she has made that seem similar to what people with Avoidant Personality Disorder do. He doesn't say whether he got his daughter's permission to speak so frankly of her problems, but the tenor of his discussion of her decisions comes off (to me) as so disapproving or critical that it's hard for me to believe he attained such permission. In one case, Kanotr cites a client's letter he received that he's edited "slightly" (or "lightly," I forget). He doesn't say how slightly he edited it, so it's hard to know what measures he took to protect the writer's identity.
Is all that (seeming) unprofessionalism a deal breaker? For me it kind of is. But by itself, I suppose it can be overlooked. And I suppose a case can be made that while those examples seem unprofessional, they actually reflect common or at least accepted practice. And maybe he did do the type of due diligence (to secure permission to use client stories or to take pains to anonymize or amalgamize those stories) but merely declined to offer his methodology.
But another problem is Kantor's writing style. He offers numerous "case examples" but doesn't signpost where a case example ends and where his interpretation and analysis begin. Sometimes he'll have a section called "Case example" followed immediately by a section entitled...."Case examples." Why not just have one section entitled "case examples"? Those problems aren't actually fatal to what Kantor is doing. They do, however, make it difficult to decipher what he is arguing.
The argument itself is very unclear. We see in chapter one several different ways of defining Avoidant Personality Disorder. We see the DSM-IV's criteria, the criteria used by other scholars from different approaches to the problem, and Kantor's criteria. It is very hard, however, to know whether Kantor's approach is a "both...and..." or a "it's this...and not that" approach. His definition of the disorder differs in some respects from the DSM-IV, but is that because his definition supplement's the DSM-IV or because the DSM-IV is faulty in some respects? It's hard to know.
It's also hard to know exactly what's NOT avoidant personality disorder according to the author. Kantor seems to go more deeply into that question in the chapters I haven't read, so perhaps this specific criticism is unfair. Kantor does discuss, toward the end of chapter 2 (I believe), the differences between avoidant behaviors and an actual disorder. That discussion is a bit muddled, and perhaps could have served better as an introductory chapter, but I can see he's making the effort.
One problem with Kantor's lack of clarity, however, is that it makes the reader (in this case, me) see themselves in what Kantor describes as avoidant personality disorder without much guidance as to what differentiates what he describes from healthy behavior patterns. That may not wholly be Kantor's fault. I am the type of person who reads these types of works from time to time and is primed to see themselves in what these works put forth. That is in a sense why I read them.
I wish more people wrote for laypersons about avoidant behaviors and the way such behaviors can be a problem (and also ways in which perhaps they're not a problem). For this attempt I have to give Kantor credit.
As a layperson, and therefore a member of one of the target audiences to whom Kantor (the author) directs his book, I have to trust the author as an authority and am on the lookout for signs that what he says might be less than trustworthy. Alas, there are some signs.
Kantor seems less than professional. At one point Kantor cites and criticizes an Amazon reveiwer's take on an earlier book he (Kantor) writes. I forget exactly the context in which Kantor cites the criticism (I've returned the book to the library), but it struck me as kind of petty. I found no explanation of the background for the "case examples" he cites.
When I read books by mental health professionals, one of the first things I look for is a statement about how they use case studies. Do they get permission from the clients they describe? Do they relate stories but change the details? Do they make up examples as amalgams of the types of cases they encounter? To me, the absence clear statement is a yellow flag: I have to consider the author's professionalism and proceed with caution.
Kantor doesn't, as far as I could tell, state whether the examples are amalgams or anonymized cases, or whether he got permission from the clients to tell their story. When I read books by mental health professionals, that's one of the In another case, he mentions his daughter by name and critiques some decisions she has made that seem similar to what people with Avoidant Personality Disorder do. He doesn't say whether he got his daughter's permission to speak so frankly of her problems, but the tenor of his discussion of her decisions comes off (to me) as so disapproving or critical that it's hard for me to believe he attained such permission. In one case, Kanotr cites a client's letter he received that he's edited "slightly" (or "lightly," I forget). He doesn't say how slightly he edited it, so it's hard to know what measures he took to protect the writer's identity.
Is all that (seeming) unprofessionalism a deal breaker? For me it kind of is. But by itself, I suppose it can be overlooked. And I suppose a case can be made that while those examples seem unprofessional, they actually reflect common or at least accepted practice. And maybe he did do the type of due diligence (to secure permission to use client stories or to take pains to anonymize or amalgamize those stories) but merely declined to offer his methodology.
But another problem is Kantor's writing style. He offers numerous "case examples" but doesn't signpost where a case example ends and where his interpretation and analysis begin. Sometimes he'll have a section called "Case example" followed immediately by a section entitled...."Case examples." Why not just have one section entitled "case examples"? Those problems aren't actually fatal to what Kantor is doing. They do, however, make it difficult to decipher what he is arguing.
The argument itself is very unclear. We see in chapter one several different ways of defining Avoidant Personality Disorder. We see the DSM-IV's criteria, the criteria used by other scholars from different approaches to the problem, and Kantor's criteria. It is very hard, however, to know whether Kantor's approach is a "both...and..." or a "it's this...and not that" approach. His definition of the disorder differs in some respects from the DSM-IV, but is that because his definition supplement's the DSM-IV or because the DSM-IV is faulty in some respects? It's hard to know.
It's also hard to know exactly what's NOT avoidant personality disorder according to the author. Kantor seems to go more deeply into that question in the chapters I haven't read, so perhaps this specific criticism is unfair. Kantor does discuss, toward the end of chapter 2 (I believe), the differences between avoidant behaviors and an actual disorder. That discussion is a bit muddled, and perhaps could have served better as an introductory chapter, but I can see he's making the effort.
One problem with Kantor's lack of clarity, however, is that it makes the reader (in this case, me) see themselves in what Kantor describes as avoidant personality disorder without much guidance as to what differentiates what he describes from healthy behavior patterns. That may not wholly be Kantor's fault. I am the type of person who reads these types of works from time to time and is primed to see themselves in what these works put forth. That is in a sense why I read them.
I wish more people wrote for laypersons about avoidant behaviors and the way such behaviors can be a problem (and also ways in which perhaps they're not a problem). For this attempt I have to give Kantor credit.
January 3, 2022
It's an ok intro to AvPD, but I have five major concerns with the book:
(1) At first glance it would seem a book suitable for self-help, but in the end Kantor doesn't have much advise to give on this matter — of 20 chapters, only chapter 20 is devoted to self-help. Useful advise can be extracted from the other chapters, but nor Part I (Description and causation of AvPD) or Part II (Therapy) have targeted content in this direction. A survey of the contents shows the book would be more appropriate to an undergrad psychology student, than a person with AvPD.
(2) Stylistically, it's poorly written. The facts and the analysis are mixed together and the presentation is unclear. When multiple case examples are given, it's not obvious when one finishes and other starts. The author seems to constructs his paragraphs at whim.
(3) There is some highly questionable content, such as:
(3.1) Using a bad review of one of his books as an example in the Readiness to Anger chapter. Quoting from Chapter 1, pg. 13:
"Here is an excerpt from a negative 'review' on Amazon.com of Distancing, my earlier book on AvPD, with the review a missile that I believe hints at the irrational anger (she got the facts wrong, perhaps having read only enough to make her mad) just alluded to: (...)"
(3.2) Using his daughter and personal acquaintances as case examples is a practice a find ethically deplorable. It's as if Kantor is writing this book to process some his own broken relationships:
Chapter 2, pg. 34:
"A personal friend, a dental school student, called me up once or twice a day to unload his serious emotional problems on me. After several months of this, he suddenly stopped calling. Concerned, I called him up to ask him what was wrong. To my question, he replied, “I can no longer speak to you. I just got an important sensitive academic position and I cannot even let on that I know you. You know much too much about me for that.”
Chapter 2, pg. 35:
"My daughter Carley was a girl all set to go to nursing school. The hospital where she worked (...). Cutting off her entire old personal history and roots was her way to avoid taking responsibility for her life by escaping into a totally new fantasy world, where nothing is expected of you in terms of developing yourself and working at a career, and all that is now demanded of you is to be physically present for your husband.
(4) He gives the impression of thinking too high of himself when, after pathologizing bad reviews of his books, goes on to print the praise he has been sent by mail.
(5) Some analyses of his patients seem to not be written by a contemporary psychologist, but rather by a not-so-good disciple of Freud after having too much cocaine:
"We discovered that for him, stinging insects symbolized his critical mother, as did the preacher in church and the policeman on the street. We further learned that he could not take the train because the moving train symbolized his impulses and train crashes the dreadful consequences of having and expressing them. Driving over the bridge symbolized his fears of forward movement and success—reaching the pinnacle, only to be mauled physically (i.e., castrated) as a consequence
of soaring."
(1) At first glance it would seem a book suitable for self-help, but in the end Kantor doesn't have much advise to give on this matter — of 20 chapters, only chapter 20 is devoted to self-help. Useful advise can be extracted from the other chapters, but nor Part I (Description and causation of AvPD) or Part II (Therapy) have targeted content in this direction. A survey of the contents shows the book would be more appropriate to an undergrad psychology student, than a person with AvPD.
(2) Stylistically, it's poorly written. The facts and the analysis are mixed together and the presentation is unclear. When multiple case examples are given, it's not obvious when one finishes and other starts. The author seems to constructs his paragraphs at whim.
(3) There is some highly questionable content, such as:
(3.1) Using a bad review of one of his books as an example in the Readiness to Anger chapter. Quoting from Chapter 1, pg. 13:
"Here is an excerpt from a negative 'review' on Amazon.com of Distancing, my earlier book on AvPD, with the review a missile that I believe hints at the irrational anger (she got the facts wrong, perhaps having read only enough to make her mad) just alluded to: (...)"
(3.2) Using his daughter and personal acquaintances as case examples is a practice a find ethically deplorable. It's as if Kantor is writing this book to process some his own broken relationships:
Chapter 2, pg. 34:
"A personal friend, a dental school student, called me up once or twice a day to unload his serious emotional problems on me. After several months of this, he suddenly stopped calling. Concerned, I called him up to ask him what was wrong. To my question, he replied, “I can no longer speak to you. I just got an important sensitive academic position and I cannot even let on that I know you. You know much too much about me for that.”
Chapter 2, pg. 35:
"My daughter Carley was a girl all set to go to nursing school. The hospital where she worked (...). Cutting off her entire old personal history and roots was her way to avoid taking responsibility for her life by escaping into a totally new fantasy world, where nothing is expected of you in terms of developing yourself and working at a career, and all that is now demanded of you is to be physically present for your husband.
(4) He gives the impression of thinking too high of himself when, after pathologizing bad reviews of his books, goes on to print the praise he has been sent by mail.
(5) Some analyses of his patients seem to not be written by a contemporary psychologist, but rather by a not-so-good disciple of Freud after having too much cocaine:
"We discovered that for him, stinging insects symbolized his critical mother, as did the preacher in church and the policeman on the street. We further learned that he could not take the train because the moving train symbolized his impulses and train crashes the dreadful consequences of having and expressing them. Driving over the bridge symbolized his fears of forward movement and success—reaching the pinnacle, only to be mauled physically (i.e., castrated) as a consequence
of soaring."
July 23, 2018
Reading this was like reading my biography. I was hoping CBT was going to get me out of it, but I've started avoiding that as well.
Lonely is the new dance party.
Wish I'd coined that phrase, but I didn't. I think I saw it on the Ghostly International website.
Anyway, a must read for anyone who loves people, but struggles being around them. That's probably most of you bookworms.
Lonely is the new dance party.
Wish I'd coined that phrase, but I didn't. I think I saw it on the Ghostly International website.
Anyway, a must read for anyone who loves people, but struggles being around them. That's probably most of you bookworms.
January 8, 2022
Nope.
June 14, 2023
Quite comprehensive in some ways, plenty of novel ideas to be found here.
I'd rate it a 3,5/5 simply because the Mr. Kantor seems to have a personal issue empathising with the individuals he describes, even using a case study of his own daughter.
There's also some gross mischaracterisation of philosophies like Zen as inherently avoidant, the pursuit of freedom being avoidant,and even 'healthy avoidants' are disparaged as healthy in name only.
If one ignores the aforementioned gripes, it's a good comprehensive work in all other areas in my opinion.
I'd rate it a 3,5/5 simply because the Mr. Kantor seems to have a personal issue empathising with the individuals he describes, even using a case study of his own daughter.
There's also some gross mischaracterisation of philosophies like Zen as inherently avoidant, the pursuit of freedom being avoidant,and even 'healthy avoidants' are disparaged as healthy in name only.
If one ignores the aforementioned gripes, it's a good comprehensive work in all other areas in my opinion.
October 14, 2025
Ay, ya. No lo acabé. Está insoportable, nada profesional y se siente super personal.
(Diré "evitativos" para resumir "personas con trastorno de personalidad evitativa")
1. Muy Freudiano
2. Habla con muy claro desprecio de los evitativos
3. Confunde perfiles de forma despectiva, llama a los evitativos "narcisistas, sádicos, masoquistas, histriónicos, paranoicos, obsesivos, egoístas"
4. Menciona una mala reseña de su libro como "prueba" de que "los evitativos tienen ira irracional"... ¡Y el autor se puso a investigar al usuario y a quemarlo en el libro!
5. Salió el peine cuando habló de su hija. Esto merece que lo cite:
...
Suena que el autor es un típico "stranged parent". Por cómo se expresa de ella, (y de su amigo y su paciente y otras personas) no me extraña que su hija se alejara.
6. Parecía que el libro, fuera de los juicios personales, podría tener buena info. Pero no, no profundiza ni diferencia entre otras presentaciones de evitación o trastornos de personalidad. Parece que solo se está quejando.
7. Ni siquiera explica desde qué marco lo está conceptualizando.
8. Hace muy malas citas. En general, su calidad profesional es pobre.
No lo quise terminar, no parece llevar a ningún lado.
PD: También mencionó a una paciente evitativa con TID, y también habló despectivamente de ella.
(Diré "evitativos" para resumir "personas con trastorno de personalidad evitativa")
1. Muy Freudiano
2. Habla con muy claro desprecio de los evitativos
3. Confunde perfiles de forma despectiva, llama a los evitativos "narcisistas, sádicos, masoquistas, histriónicos, paranoicos, obsesivos, egoístas"
4. Menciona una mala reseña de su libro como "prueba" de que "los evitativos tienen ira irracional"... ¡Y el autor se puso a investigar al usuario y a quemarlo en el libro!
5. Salió el peine cuando habló de su hija. Esto merece que lo cite:
Un ejemplo: Mi hija Carley estaba lista para ir a la escuela de enfermería. El hospital donde trabajaba le pagaría el 80% de su matrícula si prometía trabajar para ellos durante tres años después, y llevaba tantos años deseando dedicarse a la medicina que incluso solía ir a la cafetería de la facultad vestida con uniforme quirúrgico para fingir que era doctora (raro, pero no más raro que el enamoramiento que desarrolló por su dermatólogo, a quien solía seguir con una amiga, que también estaba enamorada de él). Entonces, ¿qué hace para evitar la responsabilidad de desarrollarse y desarrollar una carrera, como yo esperaba? Se escapa con un acosador esquizofrénico que cree que el presidente de los Estados Unidos lo va a enviar a Islandia para desarrollar una fórmula energética, aísla a todos los miembros de su familia que pueden darle una dosis de realidad, abandona a todos sus antiguos amigos y se sumerge en su loca familia, donde puede vivir en la tierra de los ciegos como la reina tuerta. Básicamente, ha reinventado su vida desde cero, abrazando todo lo que solía odiar de su vida anterior (solía odiarlo cuando tenía parientes de visita, a los que llamaba "helativos", pero ahora está arraigada en una familia de clanes numerosos); y luego nunca iba a la iglesia, incluso cuando su escuela religiosa lo requería, pero ahora va todos los domingos porque los padres de su esposo son fanáticos religiosos.
...
Suena que el autor es un típico "stranged parent". Por cómo se expresa de ella, (y de su amigo y su paciente y otras personas) no me extraña que su hija se alejara.
6. Parecía que el libro, fuera de los juicios personales, podría tener buena info. Pero no, no profundiza ni diferencia entre otras presentaciones de evitación o trastornos de personalidad. Parece que solo se está quejando.
7. Ni siquiera explica desde qué marco lo está conceptualizando.
8. Hace muy malas citas. En general, su calidad profesional es pobre.
No lo quise terminar, no parece llevar a ningún lado.
PD: También mencionó a una paciente evitativa con TID, y también habló despectivamente de ella.
July 25, 2025
While you'd be right to question Kantor's professionalism here, his daughter's case should tell you that AvPD is a very touchy subject for him. This book was written by a real human being.
The self-help part could be more detailed, but the outline's there.
Some parts are not clearly structured, but it's not confusing if you're somewhat acquainted with (academic) therapy books.
The self-help part could be more detailed, but the outline's there.
Some parts are not clearly structured, but it's not confusing if you're somewhat acquainted with (academic) therapy books.
August 5, 2016
adequate.
good rough overview of AVPD. or just the concept of avoidance
good rough overview of AVPD. or just the concept of avoidance
October 10, 2025
Normally I wouldn't go near a text this old, but it seems to be the only one out there that specifically addresses AVPD. The first chunk of the book is very informative, going over DSM criteria and how that can manifest in people. But beyond that, this book is definitely showing its age. Kantor spends a lot of time focusing on Oedipal/incestuous/etc symbolism in how people with AVPD relate to others, and attribute a lot of their issues to bad parental relationships. While I do agree that how someone is parented and the environment they grow up in definitely contributes, Kantor's focus on Freud's psychosexual dynamics is problematic because it makes it sound like every avoidant person has mommy and daddy issues, and they're jealousy or competition (sexually) related 100%. In addition, despite the book going over many points and tips on how to help overcome (or at least manage) AVPD, 85% of the content focuses specifically on romantic/sexual/monogamous relationships, so the majority of the advice again focuses on the Freudian issues these people have. It doesn't at all address gender or sexuality spectrums (and implies none too subtly, actually, that people who feel homosexual attraction also have Freudian issues)—to be fair, it is published before a lot of the more recent research came out—and states through what it covers that heterosexual monogamy is the only type of relationship that is healthy/okay to have; anything else and there's something wrong with you. I almost stopped reading about halfway because looking at the chapters of the rest of the book all addressed stuff I wasn't reading it for—mainly how AVPD affects non-romantic relationships and things that could help someone with AVPD without focusing on incest symbolism. An update to this book is sorely needed.
April 13, 2020
For someone who no longer has access to counseling and when I had access I just kept avoiding out of fear of being judged I needed this book. This is based on self-diagnoises because again lack of access so based on the DSM-V and after reading this book I feel it's applicable. Really helped in understanding avoidant personality in so much more detail than the DSM-V and actual tips on how I can get over it.
March 22, 2019
This book helped me to stop blaming myself for my ex partners avoidant personality disorder.
Kantor captures AvPD so well. This book described my ex perfectly.
I see the lack of empathy in being avoidant and the manipulative nature of trying to please others. This disorder causes so much suffering.
Kantor captures AvPD so well. This book described my ex perfectly.
I see the lack of empathy in being avoidant and the manipulative nature of trying to please others. This disorder causes so much suffering.
February 9, 2025
Real star rating: 3.5
This book was an easy read into what AvPD is and how to treat it but I feel like it fell flat. It comes off as a book for therapists who work with unaware avoidants rather than being a guide for avoidants to unlearn their negative beliefs. I did find it informative but honestly I did expect more from it.
This book was an easy read into what AvPD is and how to treat it but I feel like it fell flat. It comes off as a book for therapists who work with unaware avoidants rather than being a guide for avoidants to unlearn their negative beliefs. I did find it informative but honestly I did expect more from it.
September 10, 2025
Not a fit for me
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews