What do you think?
Rate this book
The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love
This updated and expanded edition gives a fresh informative edge to an already definitive book. New sections discuss "sex after sixty" and five reasons why God created sex, all supported by the very latest findings in the fields of medicine and sociology. For engaged couples and newlyweds who want to make lovemaking a joy from the start . . . For couples who have been married for years and want to maintain the flame or rekindle the embers . . . for every husband or wife who wants to be a better lover -- here are the insights into each other's bodies, psychosexual makeup, and need for tender, unselfish affection that can help you achieve your goal. With over 2.5 million copies in print, The Act of Marriage has helped thousands of Christian couples maximize their joy in sexual union and saved countless marriages. Pastors, doctors, and psychologists alike have endorsed the frank, practical insights.
400 pages, Mass Market Paperback
Published March 1, 1998
376 people are currently reading
3396 people want to read
About the author
Tim LaHaye
780 books2,285 followersTimothy "Tim" F. LaHaye was an American evangelical Christian minister, author, and speaker, best known for the Left Behind series of apocalyptic fiction, which he co-wrote with Jerry B. Jenkins.
He has written over 50 books, both fiction and non-fiction.
He has written over 50 books, both fiction and non-fiction.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 183 reviews
April 26, 2021
As advice this book is utter shit. As comedy it's fucking priceless. Did you want worksheets for keeping track of your Kegel exercises? How about rants on why French kissing is bad? Complaints about birth control leading to Satanism? Then this is the book for you!
March 1, 2021
I could not get through this book it was so horrifying. Full of inaccurate, outdated and harmful information. Unless it has been significantly updated, this book should no longer be in print. For more helpful Christian resources on sex check out Sheila Wray Gregoire.
August 11, 2011
This is the best book I have ever read (or browsed, or seen) on sex in marriage. It is very tastefully done with the emphasis on family and our relationship with God. The author is a Catholic and I find his views to be almost entirely in line with my own, as an Latter Day Saint. As a scientist I was pleased with a solid biological explanation of the anatomy and physiology of male and female genitalia as well as the emotional impacts of both orgasm and sexual relationships. He takes time to answer dozens of questions in the back that probably apply to more of the general public than we would admit. He also takes several chapters and explains techniques, as well as why God would want both the man and the woman to be happy and fulfilled by partaking in sex. For a while I gave this book to roommates who were getting married and to a few relatives... but surprisingly it never stopped feeling awkward. Though I still believe it's the best advice on the subject any bride or groom could get... and that it should wait until after they are married or perhaps just a day before - and won't see each other much until they are married. It's too specific to not be a temptation prior to marriage. (I've read this book a number of times, and recommended it to a few friends who express difficulty in their marriage.)
January 10, 2014
If you love traditional/backwards gender roles and antiquated (and wrong) views on contraception this book is for you! While I praise the authors for focusing on the fact that women can and should orgasm, I really REALLY couldn't get past the submission that is only required of women, and the contradictory views on facts/science.
April 1, 2011
A book about sex written by an evangelical minister made famous for writing a series on apocalyptic fiction. What’s there not to like? Probably would have liked it better if it had been a book about a fictional minister that had evangelically famous apocalyptic sex, but we can’t have everything in life can we?
October 24, 2021
There were only a handful of things in this book that my husband and I found helpful, but even then they were things we already knew. Neither one of us likes this book and we found ourselves becoming more frustrated with it more than anything. Throughout the book, the author gives examples of situations he has encountered as a pre-marriage counselor and pastor, where couples have come forward with problems involving their sex life. Every single answer the pastor gave them can be summed up in a few short words, it is your wife's fault. Pretty much every problem that came up in the book, the author blamed on the wife not being there for he husband, she needed to do better at paying attention to her husband, be more supportive and if their sex life sucked it was her fault. Seriously? Oh and if you are having problems in your marriage, just have sex. There was no mention of communication that should be going on between husband and wife to have a successful, loving, and open sex life. The only thing this book did do was mention that God should be at the center of your marriage, including your sex life.
August 1, 2022
I was curious to read what the evangelical church thought about sex in the 70's. This book was originally written in 1976 by Tim LaHaye (and his wife - although her voice is never really in the book so I hesitate to call her an equal co-author), the co-author of the Left Behind series as well as many other prominent books in the Christian sphere. This book was on the list of harmful books to women that Sheila Wray Gregoire had on her "The Great Sex Rescue" book so I wanted to take a look for myself.
Let's start off with some of the quotes that were concerning, perplexing, and/or straight up terribly/awkwardly worded. This is just a taste of how odd and sexist this book read.
- “Women are incurably romantic and men should cooperate with this romantic need.”
- “The honeymoon is the culmination of a girl’s lifetime dream.”
- “During her emotional cycle”
- "Even the most reluctant penis can hardly ignore wifely stroking."
- The use of vibrators "might prove dangerous in overstimulating and establishing an appetite for a level of stimulation their partner could not provide naturally."
- Do women get turned on by the sight of a man's body? "Not many. Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust."
This book was so poorly backed up by "science" and "research" that I hesitated to believe any number this man quoted because most were either from biased, under sampled studies that he himself undertook or they were outdated studies from the 50's that were one-off small sample size studies as well. And those are only the numbers he actually backed up. The rest of the numbers (over half) were numbers he pulled out of thin air from his "experience" as a pastor and counselor, strictly anecdotally among conservative evangelicals he knows. It was wild to me how overconfident and arrogant he was in literally being the expert on science, faith, theology, relationships, marriage, and women.
He states more than once that based on his surveys (to exclusively Christians that took his family life seminars) Christians experience greater sexual fulfillment than non-Christians, which is a wildly bold thing to state even if backed up by actually scientific and unbiased research/data. That kind of fits the bill with this book though: he is convinced that Christians do everything better and that sex in marriage is the greatest thing a human can experience on earth. As a Christian myself, I think this claim is also ridiculously bold because did Jesus, the most perfect human being to walk the earth experience sex or marriage? And what does that kind of message and tone send to those who remain single their entire lives? Are they missing out on the literal highest form of pleasure and fulfillment?
As a woman, I found this book incredibly demeaning to women.
- In 95% of sex issues in marriage it came down to the woman's fault. Either the woman had deeply repressed daddy issues and needed to repent of her unforgiveness towards her abusive father (Freudian much??) or she needed to be more submissive to her husband or she is selfish and that's why she isn't willing to have sex. The list could go on and on, because literally every chapter had little stories here and there that indicated that women were the main ones to blame when it came to a lack of sexual fulfillment in the bedroom.
- He assumes that all doctors are male and says that if a woman is looking into birth control options she should see her doctor (a he) with her husband (why does the husband have to accompany the woman to her doctor's appointment?). Again, I'm guessing this was the norm in the 70's but it still shocked me nonetheless.
- He quotes some bizarre stat that men need to ejaculate every 72 hours because that's when their semen grow back to full numbers, so he guilt trips women into feeling obligated to selflessly satisfy her husband every 3 days.
- According to LaHaye, women still very much enjoy the intimacy of sex with their husbands even if they never experience an orgasm! At least he agrees that she should try to get to orgasm but the fact that he emphasizes this made me think that he did it just for the men to get a cop out into not actually being responsible for pleasing their wives. That's the thing though, he never really openly shames or guilt trips the husbands into giving their wives orgasms. He has infinite grace for them. But the number of times he tells women that their sex life isn't good because of some hidden sin they need to repent of is just crazy sexist.
- Whenever he said negative things, it was always pointed at the woman. She was overly emotional, selfish, greedy, tired, demanding, unsubmissive, and passive. The root of most things subtly and not-so-subtly came down to the woman's fault. Women are also apparently the only ones who are insecure about their bodies and who feel shame coming into the bedroom (which is definitely not a one-gendered issue).
- It was definitely clear that LaHaye idolized woman's virginity over men's through his stories of young girls who engage in premarital sex and whose marriages are ruined as a result of it (okay this is a huge, damaging, traumatic outcome of the Christian purity movement because the shame is greater than the grace or the love).
- He misinterprets 1 Corinthians 7 as that the woman or man can never deny their spouse sex because they own each other's bodies (which is an extreme interpretation of something that really removes consent from married sex!).
I could go on and on with the homophobic paragraphs he sneaks in or with the male fragility comments (expected in an evangelical book from the 70's) or even the assumption that the woman is staying home and raising 4-6 kids because it's the Christian thing to have lots of kids. But honestly you'll have to read it for yourself if you want to see just how cringe his (essentially) erotica is when he actually describes how sex works. If you do read this yourself, be prepared for 400 pages of unsolicited advice on literally every topic imaginable from politics to sex to science to psychology, to personality types, vital energies, recommended vitamins, and more! I was honestly shocked at how this book on "sex" became an all-encompassing advice book filled with pseudoscience and fear-mongering. It made me super thankful that I did not grow up in the 1970's and that the rest of society has progressed (at least a little bit) beyond the ideals espoused in this book.
Let's start off with some of the quotes that were concerning, perplexing, and/or straight up terribly/awkwardly worded. This is just a taste of how odd and sexist this book read.
- “Women are incurably romantic and men should cooperate with this romantic need.”
- “The honeymoon is the culmination of a girl’s lifetime dream.”
- “During her emotional cycle”
- "Even the most reluctant penis can hardly ignore wifely stroking."
- The use of vibrators "might prove dangerous in overstimulating and establishing an appetite for a level of stimulation their partner could not provide naturally."
- Do women get turned on by the sight of a man's body? "Not many. Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust."
This book was so poorly backed up by "science" and "research" that I hesitated to believe any number this man quoted because most were either from biased, under sampled studies that he himself undertook or they were outdated studies from the 50's that were one-off small sample size studies as well. And those are only the numbers he actually backed up. The rest of the numbers (over half) were numbers he pulled out of thin air from his "experience" as a pastor and counselor, strictly anecdotally among conservative evangelicals he knows. It was wild to me how overconfident and arrogant he was in literally being the expert on science, faith, theology, relationships, marriage, and women.
He states more than once that based on his surveys (to exclusively Christians that took his family life seminars) Christians experience greater sexual fulfillment than non-Christians, which is a wildly bold thing to state even if backed up by actually scientific and unbiased research/data. That kind of fits the bill with this book though: he is convinced that Christians do everything better and that sex in marriage is the greatest thing a human can experience on earth. As a Christian myself, I think this claim is also ridiculously bold because did Jesus, the most perfect human being to walk the earth experience sex or marriage? And what does that kind of message and tone send to those who remain single their entire lives? Are they missing out on the literal highest form of pleasure and fulfillment?
As a woman, I found this book incredibly demeaning to women.
- In 95% of sex issues in marriage it came down to the woman's fault. Either the woman had deeply repressed daddy issues and needed to repent of her unforgiveness towards her abusive father (Freudian much??) or she needed to be more submissive to her husband or she is selfish and that's why she isn't willing to have sex. The list could go on and on, because literally every chapter had little stories here and there that indicated that women were the main ones to blame when it came to a lack of sexual fulfillment in the bedroom.
- He assumes that all doctors are male and says that if a woman is looking into birth control options she should see her doctor (a he) with her husband (why does the husband have to accompany the woman to her doctor's appointment?). Again, I'm guessing this was the norm in the 70's but it still shocked me nonetheless.
- He quotes some bizarre stat that men need to ejaculate every 72 hours because that's when their semen grow back to full numbers, so he guilt trips women into feeling obligated to selflessly satisfy her husband every 3 days.
- According to LaHaye, women still very much enjoy the intimacy of sex with their husbands even if they never experience an orgasm! At least he agrees that she should try to get to orgasm but the fact that he emphasizes this made me think that he did it just for the men to get a cop out into not actually being responsible for pleasing their wives. That's the thing though, he never really openly shames or guilt trips the husbands into giving their wives orgasms. He has infinite grace for them. But the number of times he tells women that their sex life isn't good because of some hidden sin they need to repent of is just crazy sexist.
- Whenever he said negative things, it was always pointed at the woman. She was overly emotional, selfish, greedy, tired, demanding, unsubmissive, and passive. The root of most things subtly and not-so-subtly came down to the woman's fault. Women are also apparently the only ones who are insecure about their bodies and who feel shame coming into the bedroom (which is definitely not a one-gendered issue).
- It was definitely clear that LaHaye idolized woman's virginity over men's through his stories of young girls who engage in premarital sex and whose marriages are ruined as a result of it (okay this is a huge, damaging, traumatic outcome of the Christian purity movement because the shame is greater than the grace or the love).
- He misinterprets 1 Corinthians 7 as that the woman or man can never deny their spouse sex because they own each other's bodies (which is an extreme interpretation of something that really removes consent from married sex!).
I could go on and on with the homophobic paragraphs he sneaks in or with the male fragility comments (expected in an evangelical book from the 70's) or even the assumption that the woman is staying home and raising 4-6 kids because it's the Christian thing to have lots of kids. But honestly you'll have to read it for yourself if you want to see just how cringe his (essentially) erotica is when he actually describes how sex works. If you do read this yourself, be prepared for 400 pages of unsolicited advice on literally every topic imaginable from politics to sex to science to psychology, to personality types, vital energies, recommended vitamins, and more! I was honestly shocked at how this book on "sex" became an all-encompassing advice book filled with pseudoscience and fear-mongering. It made me super thankful that I did not grow up in the 1970's and that the rest of society has progressed (at least a little bit) beyond the ideals espoused in this book.
August 15, 2012
I am engaged to be married in 2 weeks. My mom and a recently married friend of mine suggested I read this once engaged. Having a commitment to purity and having my closest friends having that commitment as well, I didn't know more than the basics when it came to sex (which for someone not nearing marriage, I think this is healthy). I knew why it was important to save sex for marriage, and that was enough for me. This book has helped to prepare me to know a little more of what to expect, to help me and my fiancé to have reasonable expectations for this aspect of marriage. I recommend this to be read by anyone about to be married or someone who is already married. While the author handles the information in a tasteful and godly manner, he also doesn't beat around the bush and tells it like it is. I wouldn't recommend reading this till a month or two before the wedding. After marriage, I think this would be a good book for couples to revisit every so often.
PS. I read the 1970's edition of the book, because that's the one that was on our shelf. I'm looking forward to reading the updated edition in the future (that's the one my fiancé bought). I know much of the info will be the same. But it will be interesting to see updated statistics the the extra chapter that's in the newer edition.
PS. I read the 1970's edition of the book, because that's the one that was on our shelf. I'm looking forward to reading the updated edition in the future (that's the one my fiancé bought). I know much of the info will be the same. But it will be interesting to see updated statistics the the extra chapter that's in the newer edition.
February 1, 2008
I love this book! I wish I got this book before I got married.
I was sexually abused as a child and even though but the time I got this book things were going well in my marriage. This book helped open my eyes to a whole lot more.
This book explains a lot about God's view and purpose of sex.
A must read for any couple. What I love about the book is has sections for couples before they get married, the honeymoon night, early years of marriage, the middle years of marriage and the later years of a marriage.
I bought this for my sister when she was engaged. I had to laugh when she told me her soon to be husband couldn't put the book down and took it home with him. ; ) I was thrilled to learn even my mom had requested to read it & she isn't a read.
WONDERFUL WONDERFUL BOOK!
I was sexually abused as a child and even though but the time I got this book things were going well in my marriage. This book helped open my eyes to a whole lot more.
This book explains a lot about God's view and purpose of sex.
A must read for any couple. What I love about the book is has sections for couples before they get married, the honeymoon night, early years of marriage, the middle years of marriage and the later years of a marriage.
I bought this for my sister when she was engaged. I had to laugh when she told me her soon to be husband couldn't put the book down and took it home with him. ; ) I was thrilled to learn even my mom had requested to read it & she isn't a read.
WONDERFUL WONDERFUL BOOK!
June 12, 2022
A skim and a pass. This author is trying to "educate" Christians about sex while adhering to the strict binary and patriarchal ideas of the church. He believes that heterosexual, married people are the only group who can and should enjoy glorious sex... in the the most traditional way possible. He is just not able to really "teach" anything useful to the greater population from this platform.
This book was originally written in 1976 and updated in 1998. It might be most useful as a study into how sexual practices and ideals have and are changing across the conservative Christian community.
This book was originally written in 1976 and updated in 1998. It might be most useful as a study into how sexual practices and ideals have and are changing across the conservative Christian community.
February 12, 2010
Not at all helpful to a modern and informed Christian wanting to know more, very rigid and obviously primarily written from a male perspective (despite the co-authoring). It also skipped huge factual areas - for example, only mentioning the rhythm method but not mentioning the much more accurate Natural Family Planning.
If you aren't already married, don't know anything about the biological aspects and are from a more sheltered or withdrawn Christian community you might find it useful, otherwise give this one a miss.
If you aren't already married, don't know anything about the biological aspects and are from a more sheltered or withdrawn Christian community you might find it useful, otherwise give this one a miss.
August 13, 2016
My pastor gave this book to my husband and I as part of premarital counseling. There were certainly some enlightening ideas to be had from it, but it just really wasn't for us. It's pretty outdated, especially in regards to women, so much that it made it hard to read. It's definitely a book for a couple that is going into marriage as virgins. Then it's a must-read. I'm astounded to see that there is nothing about oral sex, and in the back of the book the authors say "we don't recommend it". Seriously? I'm telling you as a married Christian woman, oral sex is absolutely okay and you should definitely explore it! Don't ignore that part of your sexuality!
Read
July 15, 2019I enjoyed this book because it made me laugh. You can definitely tell this was published in 1976. The diagrams are sensational and informative; I don't know how I would have continued living my life without the knowledge I gleaned from the diagrams of a finger in a vajayjay. I also learned that I need to be beautiful for my husband when he returns home from work, because naturally I don't have a job.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 2, 2022
Overall, it is a very good book for couples on the matter of sex in a marriage relationship. I appreciate his strong stance on sex being the most fulfilling in marriage, and it is sin outside of it. Young people need to realize that there is guilt that comes when it is done outside of marriage.
The two issues I have with the book is this: sometimes he may come out as a little harsh, or not sympathetic to those who are looking for help. You can see this in the final chapter. Some of the quotes were a little too long, that they kept me from understanding their point in the chapter.
Though it’s a little outdated, I would recommend it to engaged couples near wedding day or married couples who need help. It’s a good primer to start your understanding on this important aspect of marriage, which is not just physical- it’s emotional and spiritual too.
The two issues I have with the book is this: sometimes he may come out as a little harsh, or not sympathetic to those who are looking for help. You can see this in the final chapter. Some of the quotes were a little too long, that they kept me from understanding their point in the chapter.
Though it’s a little outdated, I would recommend it to engaged couples near wedding day or married couples who need help. It’s a good primer to start your understanding on this important aspect of marriage, which is not just physical- it’s emotional and spiritual too.
August 1, 2022
The tone of this book was summarized quite well in the FAQ in the last chapter. In it, the LaHayes included a woman's question asking for additional advice, since the advice in the book didn't improve her marriage. Their response to her was:
a) you have daddy issues.
b) your daddy issues make you hate your husband.
c) you're selfish, greedy, and will destroy your marriage if you don't repent.
Basically, they gaslight her. Just like they lie to and gaslight the reader throughout the book. The entire book is the lahayes shoving fake science and the creepiest descriptions of sex down your throat, which isn't surprising, considering they're consiparcy theorists who believe in the illuminati (no seriously, Tim LaHaye believes the illuminati are trying to create a "humanist" world order, whatever that means). They fabricate numbers, make outlandish claims, and spew their homophobia and sexism down the reader's eye holes.
Sometimes the book is funny, but most of the time it's just creepy. For example, they have an entire chapter of really weird, poorly written erotica in the middle of the book. They try to spin it as them giving advice to a married couple on how to have sex, but it reads worse than the Harry Potter fanfiction you would find on Tumblr back in the day.
The most despicable parts, however, are downright harmful. They demand that women walk a tightrope of constantly being sexy, flirty, and fun, while also worshipping the ground their man walks on. They constantly make sexist jabs at how men are just brutes who can't make it 3 days without needing to ejaculate, and if a woman isn't enjoying sex, it's 99% the woman's attitude, and 1% their "loving" husband's technique.
They also insist that real medical issues like erectile dysfunction, depression, and anxiety are all in your head and you just need a good dose of positive thinking, because that just solves all problems. Seeing as anyone who has studied these things says otherwise, it's fair to throw out pretty much everything the LaHayes try to advise the reader on, which means the best place for this book is your bonfire. Or your shredder. Or, if your dog likes to eat books, that can work too!
Unless you want to see how insane far-right conspiracy nut jobs can get, avoid this book. Nearly anything is better than this sludge.
a) you have daddy issues.
b) your daddy issues make you hate your husband.
c) you're selfish, greedy, and will destroy your marriage if you don't repent.
Basically, they gaslight her. Just like they lie to and gaslight the reader throughout the book. The entire book is the lahayes shoving fake science and the creepiest descriptions of sex down your throat, which isn't surprising, considering they're consiparcy theorists who believe in the illuminati (no seriously, Tim LaHaye believes the illuminati are trying to create a "humanist" world order, whatever that means). They fabricate numbers, make outlandish claims, and spew their homophobia and sexism down the reader's eye holes.
Sometimes the book is funny, but most of the time it's just creepy. For example, they have an entire chapter of really weird, poorly written erotica in the middle of the book. They try to spin it as them giving advice to a married couple on how to have sex, but it reads worse than the Harry Potter fanfiction you would find on Tumblr back in the day.
The most despicable parts, however, are downright harmful. They demand that women walk a tightrope of constantly being sexy, flirty, and fun, while also worshipping the ground their man walks on. They constantly make sexist jabs at how men are just brutes who can't make it 3 days without needing to ejaculate, and if a woman isn't enjoying sex, it's 99% the woman's attitude, and 1% their "loving" husband's technique.
They also insist that real medical issues like erectile dysfunction, depression, and anxiety are all in your head and you just need a good dose of positive thinking, because that just solves all problems. Seeing as anyone who has studied these things says otherwise, it's fair to throw out pretty much everything the LaHayes try to advise the reader on, which means the best place for this book is your bonfire. Or your shredder. Or, if your dog likes to eat books, that can work too!
Unless you want to see how insane far-right conspiracy nut jobs can get, avoid this book. Nearly anything is better than this sludge.
March 14, 2013
Perfect pre wedding gift
December 15, 2014
Good Book
Every couple should read it.
It is not just for christian folk, although Christians may reap more from its benefits.
Every couple should read it.
It is not just for christian folk, although Christians may reap more from its benefits.
October 11, 2022
This book isn't 100% bad - but it's the very fact that SOME of the book is good that makes the rest of it so damaging.
So what does it get right? In contrast to many 'Christian' marriage books, it emphasizes that sex is important for both men and women, and that it is important that it is mutually pleasurable. (Yes, this should be a given in any book, but sadly, it isn't). Sadly, that's about it.
As to what it gets wrong...
1)It is extremely gendered, and quite patronising. "Men are just boys grown tall". "A woman thinks about economics occasionally, but usually with limited, short-range deliberation." "The '...natural longing of every woman's heart - [is] to be a homemaker". "Lurking in the heart of every girl...is the image of prince charming." Women have "an extraordinary need for romance." "...the honeymoon is the culmination of a girl's lifetime dreams." But when married, "Their maidenly inhibitions...compel them to lie on their backs and allow the vigorous young husbands to satisfy themselves." "God designed man to be the aggressor...The woman who resents her husband's sex drive while enjoying his aggressive leadership...cannot have one without the other." (Seriously? Are there ANY women who enjoy being 'aggressively led'?!) There is also a really yucky paragraph quoted by another author which refers to the way women should be "taken up will-lessly by his passion..."
2)The authors also show a troubling tendency to blame the wife for her husband's behaviour. For example, a young wife who feels guilty about sex mentions that her entire courtship consisted of her then-fiance pressuring her to go further than she wanted to and of her 'fighting him off'. The authors' solution is for her to confess HER premarital sins...no mention of her husband needing to confess anything!
3) It is extremely illogical and the 'research' is patchy in the extreme. If a couple are having problems with their marriage, it's because the wife is not submissive enough during sex. Unless it's because she's not aggressive enough. Men 'need' sex several times a week to preserve their physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing...unless they are widowed, when God will enable them to suppress their sex drive. On the basis that LaHaye's wife finds a picture of 'Mr America' to be 'gross', he concludes that women don't have a problem with visual lust. "If our assumption is true, then..." Oh, and women going through the menopause won't have any issues if they maintain 'a positive mental attitude'!!!
4) Most concerning of all is the way in which the authors ignore or condone horrific acts of violence. When discussing a woman's account of how she was stripped and raped by her husband on their wedding night, while she 'fought and screamed', the authors refer to the woman and her 'equally unhappy spouse'. A woman comes to them for counselling and admits that she struggles with making love to her husband because her father has molested her two younger sisters. She's told that she needs to forgive her father. Another woman struggles with hatred toward her husband for his 'awful beatings' of their children - again, the authors tell her that she must 'repent' so that she can rebuild the relationship with her husband. No mention of calling the authorities to report the sexual and physical abuse - just how sinful it is not to forgive the abusers.
We had a copy of this book donated to our church library - it's one of the very few books that I've destroyed, but I feel it's too harmful to send to a charity shop. I wouldn't want anyone thinking this garbage is a good thing to follow.
So what does it get right? In contrast to many 'Christian' marriage books, it emphasizes that sex is important for both men and women, and that it is important that it is mutually pleasurable. (Yes, this should be a given in any book, but sadly, it isn't). Sadly, that's about it.
As to what it gets wrong...
1)It is extremely gendered, and quite patronising. "Men are just boys grown tall". "A woman thinks about economics occasionally, but usually with limited, short-range deliberation." "The '...natural longing of every woman's heart - [is] to be a homemaker". "Lurking in the heart of every girl...is the image of prince charming." Women have "an extraordinary need for romance." "...the honeymoon is the culmination of a girl's lifetime dreams." But when married, "Their maidenly inhibitions...compel them to lie on their backs and allow the vigorous young husbands to satisfy themselves." "God designed man to be the aggressor...The woman who resents her husband's sex drive while enjoying his aggressive leadership...cannot have one without the other." (Seriously? Are there ANY women who enjoy being 'aggressively led'?!) There is also a really yucky paragraph quoted by another author which refers to the way women should be "taken up will-lessly by his passion..."
2)The authors also show a troubling tendency to blame the wife for her husband's behaviour. For example, a young wife who feels guilty about sex mentions that her entire courtship consisted of her then-fiance pressuring her to go further than she wanted to and of her 'fighting him off'. The authors' solution is for her to confess HER premarital sins...no mention of her husband needing to confess anything!
3) It is extremely illogical and the 'research' is patchy in the extreme. If a couple are having problems with their marriage, it's because the wife is not submissive enough during sex. Unless it's because she's not aggressive enough. Men 'need' sex several times a week to preserve their physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing...unless they are widowed, when God will enable them to suppress their sex drive. On the basis that LaHaye's wife finds a picture of 'Mr America' to be 'gross', he concludes that women don't have a problem with visual lust. "If our assumption is true, then..." Oh, and women going through the menopause won't have any issues if they maintain 'a positive mental attitude'!!!
4) Most concerning of all is the way in which the authors ignore or condone horrific acts of violence. When discussing a woman's account of how she was stripped and raped by her husband on their wedding night, while she 'fought and screamed', the authors refer to the woman and her 'equally unhappy spouse'. A woman comes to them for counselling and admits that she struggles with making love to her husband because her father has molested her two younger sisters. She's told that she needs to forgive her father. Another woman struggles with hatred toward her husband for his 'awful beatings' of their children - again, the authors tell her that she must 'repent' so that she can rebuild the relationship with her husband. No mention of calling the authorities to report the sexual and physical abuse - just how sinful it is not to forgive the abusers.
We had a copy of this book donated to our church library - it's one of the very few books that I've destroyed, but I feel it's too harmful to send to a charity shop. I wouldn't want anyone thinking this garbage is a good thing to follow.
August 13, 2016
This is an incredibly informative read. I learned a lot, and I think it's a great place for Christians to go to learn without having to wade through any smut. This books is very graphic but not at all crass. A divorced girl friend strongly recommended it to me. It stresses the importance of (and the reasons for importance) of remaining virtuous before marriage, and completely faithful after you're married. It also explains the tremendous blessings that you receive when you choose to live this way - spiritual, physical, and mental blessings. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone not already married or very close to marriage, because the entire thing is about sex.
I'd skip The Missing Dimension chapter, just because I didn't learn anything from it. I think it's very important for people who don't have any concept of spirituality, but I've never had the notion that there was any more important aspect of oneself.
There were a few things I disagreed with, but only one part I strongly disagreed with, which was this:
In the Q&A chapter, it is asked if the adulterer should tell his/her spouse even if the offender has confessed to God, fully repented, etc. I was stunned when their recommendation was not to tell the faithful spouse if they've confessed to God, forsaken the sin, cut off all ties with the person you cheated with, and have daily devotional time. What about confessing to the person you've wronged? Isn't that part of repentance? I can't imagine a truly repentant spouse not telling the faithful spouse...and not feeling tremendously guilty for not being honest about how grievously they'd wronged the faithful spouse!
Other than that, I thought it a great book in its approach and information.
I'd skip The Missing Dimension chapter, just because I didn't learn anything from it. I think it's very important for people who don't have any concept of spirituality, but I've never had the notion that there was any more important aspect of oneself.
There were a few things I disagreed with, but only one part I strongly disagreed with, which was this:
In the Q&A chapter, it is asked if the adulterer should tell his/her spouse even if the offender has confessed to God, fully repented, etc. I was stunned when their recommendation was not to tell the faithful spouse if they've confessed to God, forsaken the sin, cut off all ties with the person you cheated with, and have daily devotional time. What about confessing to the person you've wronged? Isn't that part of repentance? I can't imagine a truly repentant spouse not telling the faithful spouse...and not feeling tremendously guilty for not being honest about how grievously they'd wronged the faithful spouse!
Other than that, I thought it a great book in its approach and information.
July 8, 2009
A good book and lots of good information, but also fairly sexist and outdated. The beginning of the book had some good ideas and perspective, but I liked the author less and less as I read, and by the end I really didn't care for his opinions, attitudes, or advice. His writing seemed to deteriorate into blaming everything on sin, and that everything could be cured by repentance. I suppose that was par for the course for the religious establishment in his time, but in this day and age we know a lot more about mental illness, sexual dysfunction, and sexual "deviancy." He also interpreted statistics in whatever way supported his opinions about what is "normal" and "right." This book could use another update. Read the beginning, take it with a grain of salt, but put it down when you start to get offended because it's all downhill from there!
January 17, 2014
Well despite his deranged views about women basically needing to be kept in the house it was a worthwhile read. Interesting read though still would recommend Tim Keller way before this one. It is straight forward and helpful. Would say that a chapter on kegel was a little much.
He is terrible at understanding the bias inherent in his survey and also thinks of himself as a god of counseling whereby his words has fixed every known marital issue in 4 weeks or less.
He is terrible at understanding the bias inherent in his survey and also thinks of himself as a god of counseling whereby his words has fixed every known marital issue in 4 weeks or less.
October 9, 2017
Dialogue in marriage is important In the bedroom, it is the most important act of Intimacy. The act of growth that two people become one. The very act that we become one instead of two. Marriage a pure love ❤️
May 30, 2009
Hind sight is 20/20 - the book served a purpose back when I read it, but there are far better books avialable. It is a little better than two stars and there are a few chapters that are helpful.
December 6, 2016
Best unfiltered book I've read about sex, marriage, and relationships! Highly recommended for newly weds and or just-to-be wedded couples.
October 19, 2019
Very sexist and outdated...there are better books out there.
June 5, 2018
Great for those getting ready for married who haven't had sex before. It is a very thorough book that also explains the place that sexual relations have in a marriage. I found it generally wholesome and uplifting. I would recommend reading before and after the honeymoon because some concepts will go over your head if you've never been sexually active before.
July 6, 2021
A very educational book for Christians either preparing for marriage or recently married. I read a copy that was written in the 1970s so I recommend getting a newer (updated) version. The newer copies have added chapters to them.
It was fairly entertaining, as there were anecdotes all over and you can relate to the stories being told. There's a lot of truth in the pages.
It was fairly entertaining, as there were anecdotes all over and you can relate to the stories being told. There's a lot of truth in the pages.
March 1, 2022
Obviously not my typical read, but this book was highly recommended to me before my wedding next month! It address God’s purpose for sexual intimacy between spouses. The reason I gave it 4 stars is because it seemed to be repetitive quite often and it was a bit too legalistic for me at times, but overall would definitely recommend to my engaged/married friends!
January 24, 2025
I read this when I was engaged. The chapter on the actual mechanics of sex was helpful for my fiancé and me, as we were clueless about those things at the time. Everything else was complete garbage, filled with misogynistic generalizations.
July 16, 2021
I give this book 4 stars knowing the context and the corrective nature of this book. There were tons of parts I disagreed with but given the year it was written and it’s perspective and audience being evangelical, I think the book corrects a lot of unhealthy mindsets within evangelical culture. Overall, I would recommend this book to singles and engaged folks who need to know the basics.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 183 reviews