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Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal
PLEASE SEE THE REVISED AND UPDATED 2023 EDITION OF THIS BOOK, WHICH HAS THREE NEW CHAPTERS. CLICK THE LINK ABOVE.
Based on a study of over 400 women worldwide, Runaway The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal, is the first book to explore and offer healing strategies to women whose lives have been turned upside down by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Written by family therapist Vikki Stark who was herself affected by Wife Abandonment Syndrome, Runaway Husbands helps women understand what motivated their loving husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.
Based on a study of over 400 women worldwide, Runaway The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal, is the first book to explore and offer healing strategies to women whose lives have been turned upside down by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Written by family therapist Vikki Stark who was herself affected by Wife Abandonment Syndrome, Runaway Husbands helps women understand what motivated their loving husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.
192 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2010
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298 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
April 10, 2012
as a wife who's perfect husband ran off whilst I was pregnant with our third child, I can highly recommend this book as one which helps get things in perspective when the worst happens. Above all, you realise you're not alone when facing the alien and thinking to yourself 'who the hell are you and what have you done with my husband'....best buy in difficult circumstances.
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February 19, 2013Vikki Stark went through the very painful experience of being abandoned by her husband and it led her to do research into the type of man who is capable of walking out on his wife and family. She discovered a common theme, 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder'. These men typically leave a wife who has no idea that her husband is unhappy and has been planning his 'escape' for some time. They almost always without fail flee to another woman who has been an affair partner for years in some cases. Vikki describes the process that an abandoned wife goes through, exactly the same grief process as if your spouse has died. She gives coping strategies which are tried and tested psycololgical techniques. This book is a must read for any woman who has has her world shattered by the sudden departure of her husband.
May 26, 2012
Maybe the worst book in the world to give your just divorced daughter.
I almost don’t know what to say. I have never before been so compelled to speak out against a book. I generally, even if I hate a book, will give it five stars because I recognize art and writing is subjective, and I want to lift the feeble knees where possible. But I cannot in good conscience stand by silently and not at least attempt to forewarn people about what I think is a dangerous and sloppy, and potentially hurtful collage of poorly thought suggestions as is found in Runaway Husbands. As an individual familiar with the scientific and popular literature on marriage and family relations, and as an avid reader, I must say again never have I had as strong of a negative reaction to a book as I did this one. I will try to critique it as objectively as possible, by first examining the author’s credentials, methodology, and advice giving. Finally I will review her writing style. But for those who don’t like lengthy reviews, let me say this, I believe this book is dangerous, may hurt many vulnerable readers when they really need help, and should be avoided.
First, credentials. It is an axiom in the field of mental health that when one has to refer to themselves as a psychotherapist, it is usually because they do not have the ability to refer to themselves as licensed professional. “I am a psychologist,” or “ I am a social worker” are usually protected terms, “psychotherapist” is usually not. I do not know if Ms. Stark is licensed or not but she does not seem to reference herself as an LCSW or ACSW or any other kind of licensed social worker, but simply as an MSW, which usually means a person has only graduated a master’s program, and cannot or chooses not to pass a test showing the program they graduated from was at least quality enough to pass a test. Again, maybe she has a license, and if so I cede the point, but it is a red herring.
Another concern regarding her credentials is that Ms. Stark stands to profit from the anguishes of her readers through a potential conflict of interest. First, she offers her teletherapy services to her readers via the same site that promotes her book, and also creates a circularity with her readers by inviting them to give her their voices through her website that she then validates, I might add with no academic critique whatsoever, in page after page of her book.
Finally, Ms. Stark is a “victim” of a disorder she coins herself, so called WAS, or Wife Abandonment Syndrome. There is always danger in naming and then postulating through publications about one’s own created disorder, but what is disturbing to this reader is that her entire book seems to slay the character of her husband, without offering him any kind of rebuttal space, and then generalizing her perceptions, along with her “research” into a narrative that becomes a supposed framework, though never experimentally tested (more on this later) that she then bids others to follow. Again, I am not saying she has violated a law or is “unethical” but I am saying this reader’s concern meter was fully elevated through these types of credibility red herrings.
Second, her “methodology”, or the way she “researched”, her theory was, in succinct form, to be acutely divorced by her husband, research things that made sense to her as to why he must have gone nuts, then create a website, and this is key, for other recently divorced women to speak about what was wrong with their husbands who left the exact same way hers did. Now, I think we can all agree there are many scoundrel husbands out there but a scientist, one would postulate, would understand that there may be some inherent bias in studying what a group of jilted women think without random sampling, strategic sampling, asking say the husbands what their perspective was, controlling for SES, mental illness, et cetera, et cetera. As far as I could see, Ms. Stark simply got legitimately hurt-I don’t seek to trivialize what is obviously her real pain-- did some seemingly egocentric research, said to herself I am a psychotherapist so I am qualified to study what happened to me, posted a” research study” with what is called a self-selection bias built in, and then builds a strong risk of confirmation bias by finding potential answers to her own pain through the like voices of other women, who, from a methodological viewpoint, might have her same problems in the first place! Now, I have never met Ms. Stark or her former husband, perhaps she did nothing wrong and was a perfect throughout her whole marriage, really, maybe it is all exactly as she says so, but what I do believe I understand is the experimental method, and from what I can read, Ms. Stark shamelessly avoids all known controls in research, and runs away in a cavalier manner with hypotheses and conclusions, and worse, guidance without any real evidence she has (1) identified anything real, and (2) shown any proof that her suggestions or theories work or help and do not hurt. To paraphrase the great Michael Crichton, she stands on the shoulders of others to make conclusions she doesn’t even know if it is morally responsible to make!
As just one example of her sloppy methodology, her “hallmarks” for a wife abandoner on page 11 of her book states that quote: “the husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over out-of-the blue in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.” Wow that is really impressive, after more than one hundred years of research scientists cannot even predict with more than zero percent accuracy when someone is going to kill themselves, another person, or commit rape or abuse, but this “researcher” believes she can predict a syndrome where there is systematic “mundane”-ness! This just seems absurd.
Third, her therapy. Although it is extremely rare that Ms. Stark actually references anyone in authority (except for herself of which there is an abundance of self reference”, when she does cite “science” she goes back a century and about 50 thousand since research articles to loosely cite Freud’s recapitulation theory (p. 24), albeit under more contemporary names, misapplies locus of control, the relationship between accuracy and confidence, and ignores outright attribution therapy and its decades of research (especially pp 22-25), and seems to sidestep using Prochaska and DiClemente’s Transtheoretical stages of change in lieu of her own interestingly named “Transformational Stages” (p.13; admittedly, her names are more fun to read than boring science terms like pre-contemplative), but rather uses lots of references that appeal to a mass of people, such as catchy or helpful songs or classic novels, to support and expand her ideas. But most shocking of all is that she simply bulldozes the ideas and research of such classic names such as Markman, Silverman, Gottman, Christensen, or even earlier names such as Horney and James, for such gems as comes from her readers, which she throws her support behind such as this terrible therapy advice which she supports: “Don’t try to make sense of this” (page 111). Apparently this is good advice because to say such things to the recently divorced wife validates her that the husband’s actions of leaving her are, of course, “incomprehensible.” Certainly no husband (or wife) who leaves ever has a reason for leaving, at least not when they are afflicted with the highly scientific disease, or syndrome, of Wife abandonment.
Well, it is clear I am not a fan of this book. If I am being honest, this is some of the absolute worst drivel I have ever seen, and brings pop psychology to not just a new low, but in my strong concern, and hence the reason for the strongly worded critique, to a very very dangerous , even cavalier set of unqualified assumptions that I believe could be very damaging. Perhaps Socrates’ notion about the unexamined life being problematic would be worth considering, as my recollection of the marital and divorce (or marital dissolution) literature indicates that second and third marriages tend to end for the same reasons the first marriage ended. In other words, maybe well intending but flawed human beings who both divorce, should actually seek to learn what each of them did wrong, and grow from it. Just a thought.
Of course the real tragedy in here are the women she cites, who have very genuine pain and sad stories. These individuals do deserve a voice, and healing, and understanding, and yet I fear they will not find it in this book.
Finally, as promised, the writing style, I must say, is fine. Unlike her therapy ideals espoused in this book, she does show a real talent for describing and metaphor. Perhaps Ms. Stark should spend a career in fiction. Then again, after reading this book I am not sure that’s not the genre in which she writes.
Respectfully,
I almost don’t know what to say. I have never before been so compelled to speak out against a book. I generally, even if I hate a book, will give it five stars because I recognize art and writing is subjective, and I want to lift the feeble knees where possible. But I cannot in good conscience stand by silently and not at least attempt to forewarn people about what I think is a dangerous and sloppy, and potentially hurtful collage of poorly thought suggestions as is found in Runaway Husbands. As an individual familiar with the scientific and popular literature on marriage and family relations, and as an avid reader, I must say again never have I had as strong of a negative reaction to a book as I did this one. I will try to critique it as objectively as possible, by first examining the author’s credentials, methodology, and advice giving. Finally I will review her writing style. But for those who don’t like lengthy reviews, let me say this, I believe this book is dangerous, may hurt many vulnerable readers when they really need help, and should be avoided.
First, credentials. It is an axiom in the field of mental health that when one has to refer to themselves as a psychotherapist, it is usually because they do not have the ability to refer to themselves as licensed professional. “I am a psychologist,” or “ I am a social worker” are usually protected terms, “psychotherapist” is usually not. I do not know if Ms. Stark is licensed or not but she does not seem to reference herself as an LCSW or ACSW or any other kind of licensed social worker, but simply as an MSW, which usually means a person has only graduated a master’s program, and cannot or chooses not to pass a test showing the program they graduated from was at least quality enough to pass a test. Again, maybe she has a license, and if so I cede the point, but it is a red herring.
Another concern regarding her credentials is that Ms. Stark stands to profit from the anguishes of her readers through a potential conflict of interest. First, she offers her teletherapy services to her readers via the same site that promotes her book, and also creates a circularity with her readers by inviting them to give her their voices through her website that she then validates, I might add with no academic critique whatsoever, in page after page of her book.
Finally, Ms. Stark is a “victim” of a disorder she coins herself, so called WAS, or Wife Abandonment Syndrome. There is always danger in naming and then postulating through publications about one’s own created disorder, but what is disturbing to this reader is that her entire book seems to slay the character of her husband, without offering him any kind of rebuttal space, and then generalizing her perceptions, along with her “research” into a narrative that becomes a supposed framework, though never experimentally tested (more on this later) that she then bids others to follow. Again, I am not saying she has violated a law or is “unethical” but I am saying this reader’s concern meter was fully elevated through these types of credibility red herrings.
Second, her “methodology”, or the way she “researched”, her theory was, in succinct form, to be acutely divorced by her husband, research things that made sense to her as to why he must have gone nuts, then create a website, and this is key, for other recently divorced women to speak about what was wrong with their husbands who left the exact same way hers did. Now, I think we can all agree there are many scoundrel husbands out there but a scientist, one would postulate, would understand that there may be some inherent bias in studying what a group of jilted women think without random sampling, strategic sampling, asking say the husbands what their perspective was, controlling for SES, mental illness, et cetera, et cetera. As far as I could see, Ms. Stark simply got legitimately hurt-I don’t seek to trivialize what is obviously her real pain-- did some seemingly egocentric research, said to herself I am a psychotherapist so I am qualified to study what happened to me, posted a” research study” with what is called a self-selection bias built in, and then builds a strong risk of confirmation bias by finding potential answers to her own pain through the like voices of other women, who, from a methodological viewpoint, might have her same problems in the first place! Now, I have never met Ms. Stark or her former husband, perhaps she did nothing wrong and was a perfect throughout her whole marriage, really, maybe it is all exactly as she says so, but what I do believe I understand is the experimental method, and from what I can read, Ms. Stark shamelessly avoids all known controls in research, and runs away in a cavalier manner with hypotheses and conclusions, and worse, guidance without any real evidence she has (1) identified anything real, and (2) shown any proof that her suggestions or theories work or help and do not hurt. To paraphrase the great Michael Crichton, she stands on the shoulders of others to make conclusions she doesn’t even know if it is morally responsible to make!
As just one example of her sloppy methodology, her “hallmarks” for a wife abandoner on page 11 of her book states that quote: “the husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over out-of-the blue in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.” Wow that is really impressive, after more than one hundred years of research scientists cannot even predict with more than zero percent accuracy when someone is going to kill themselves, another person, or commit rape or abuse, but this “researcher” believes she can predict a syndrome where there is systematic “mundane”-ness! This just seems absurd.
Third, her therapy. Although it is extremely rare that Ms. Stark actually references anyone in authority (except for herself of which there is an abundance of self reference”, when she does cite “science” she goes back a century and about 50 thousand since research articles to loosely cite Freud’s recapitulation theory (p. 24), albeit under more contemporary names, misapplies locus of control, the relationship between accuracy and confidence, and ignores outright attribution therapy and its decades of research (especially pp 22-25), and seems to sidestep using Prochaska and DiClemente’s Transtheoretical stages of change in lieu of her own interestingly named “Transformational Stages” (p.13; admittedly, her names are more fun to read than boring science terms like pre-contemplative), but rather uses lots of references that appeal to a mass of people, such as catchy or helpful songs or classic novels, to support and expand her ideas. But most shocking of all is that she simply bulldozes the ideas and research of such classic names such as Markman, Silverman, Gottman, Christensen, or even earlier names such as Horney and James, for such gems as comes from her readers, which she throws her support behind such as this terrible therapy advice which she supports: “Don’t try to make sense of this” (page 111). Apparently this is good advice because to say such things to the recently divorced wife validates her that the husband’s actions of leaving her are, of course, “incomprehensible.” Certainly no husband (or wife) who leaves ever has a reason for leaving, at least not when they are afflicted with the highly scientific disease, or syndrome, of Wife abandonment.
Well, it is clear I am not a fan of this book. If I am being honest, this is some of the absolute worst drivel I have ever seen, and brings pop psychology to not just a new low, but in my strong concern, and hence the reason for the strongly worded critique, to a very very dangerous , even cavalier set of unqualified assumptions that I believe could be very damaging. Perhaps Socrates’ notion about the unexamined life being problematic would be worth considering, as my recollection of the marital and divorce (or marital dissolution) literature indicates that second and third marriages tend to end for the same reasons the first marriage ended. In other words, maybe well intending but flawed human beings who both divorce, should actually seek to learn what each of them did wrong, and grow from it. Just a thought.
Of course the real tragedy in here are the women she cites, who have very genuine pain and sad stories. These individuals do deserve a voice, and healing, and understanding, and yet I fear they will not find it in this book.
Finally, as promised, the writing style, I must say, is fine. Unlike her therapy ideals espoused in this book, she does show a real talent for describing and metaphor. Perhaps Ms. Stark should spend a career in fiction. Then again, after reading this book I am not sure that’s not the genre in which she writes.
Respectfully,
December 23, 2013
Easy, quick read......sang to me.
What a bunch of selfish people there are in this world.
If you're unhappy, even if you aren't sure why!
Tell someone!Preferably your spouse.
Not some office bimbo. Or charismatic office boy.
Or in my case.....a whole passel of prostitutes,
and gutter thugs......
Talk it out, get therapy.
If you are going to leave someone.
Do it the right way.
Don't go out and have an affair just to make sure.
If you're a narcissist of course,this bit of advice will probably fall on deaf ears.
But most likely anyone reading this review isn't the culprit,
but the victim of someone elses selfish acts....
Mid life or otherwise. Why is it that society seems to feel sorry for the mid lifer and lets him off the hook for being overworked and "under appreciated" HA HA
No sympathy card from me.
I'm sure there are a few underappreciated one's out there.
But the door swings in both directions, does it not?
What a bunch of selfish people there are in this world.
If you're unhappy, even if you aren't sure why!
Tell someone!Preferably your spouse.
Not some office bimbo. Or charismatic office boy.
Or in my case.....a whole passel of prostitutes,
and gutter thugs......
Talk it out, get therapy.
If you are going to leave someone.
Do it the right way.
Don't go out and have an affair just to make sure.
If you're a narcissist of course,this bit of advice will probably fall on deaf ears.
But most likely anyone reading this review isn't the culprit,
but the victim of someone elses selfish acts....
Mid life or otherwise. Why is it that society seems to feel sorry for the mid lifer and lets him off the hook for being overworked and "under appreciated" HA HA
No sympathy card from me.
I'm sure there are a few underappreciated one's out there.
But the door swings in both directions, does it not?
April 26, 2017
This book by a family therapist is a fantastic resource for women (and their friends and loved ones) who find themselves in the same situation as the author did when her husband of 21 years suddenly left her for another woman. Although some of the comments and tips might apply to any divorce, they are specific to, and most helpful for, those individuals in long term, seemingly happy relationships who are abandoned without warning. The book covers the stages of grief and healing with lots of examples and encouragement. Since most of these men are narcissistic and have no feeling for anyone but themselves the author’s advice that “It’s not about him, it’s about you.” is very sound. Should be in every public library.
August 20, 2011
Well, apparently I'm not the only woman to have inexplicably been left by her husband. For helping me realize I'm not alone in this, even down to wondering if my then-husband had a brain tumor, this gets 4 stars.
So many things in this book resonated with me that it was difficult to read at times because I felt like I was re-living what I went through, but as I got toward the end of the book, I realized I'm actually well on the way to recovery. Bless my boss for spotting a newspaper article about the author of this book, and forwarding it on to me.
So many things in this book resonated with me that it was difficult to read at times because I felt like I was re-living what I went through, but as I got toward the end of the book, I realized I'm actually well on the way to recovery. Bless my boss for spotting a newspaper article about the author of this book, and forwarding it on to me.
March 4, 2019
BOOK REVIEW: Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal
Author: Vikki Stark
No, I wasn’t married to either of the guys who slam-dumped me and left me, but I have been on that side of the aisle. I have also been on the other side of the aisle; that of the scarlet-lettered Other Woman one of these guys left his wife for. Since that guy dumped me to go back into his marriage, leaving me as shell-shocked as his wife was when he moved out, I have devoted my life to reading, studying, and soaking up absolutely everything I possibly can about this phenomenon in relationships. It didn’t take me as long as it might have taken some, since I was raised by a parent with borderline personality disorder and my bookshelves were already lined with tomes on mental illness, codependency, pursuing and distancing in relationships, and how to have a healthy marriage, long before this abrupt triangle/dump situation arose in my life.
After my latest and most painful dump, I really put my research into overdrive; I even studied astrology. So, I have encountered Runaway Husbands last, not first, and it’s affected my perspective on this book quite a bit.
Specifically, although I see that the book is well-written, contains truth, and will comfort most any woman whose husband has bolted without warning and turned inexplicably hostile overnight, I also see that the book is incomplete. It has two rather large holes in it.
1.) The Huge Hole in this book is that it does not tie either the behavior of the husband or the wife (or the mistress, for that matter) back to their childhood. I discovered the work of the wonderful therapist Mark Smith, of Family Tree Counseling and Family Tree Brand Life Coaches, shortly after my guy dumped me to go back to a disastrous marriage, and his perspective has made all the difference to me. I see not a trace of it, however, in Stark’s book, although she is a therapist herself.
Mark Smith argues that everything we attract and choose for our adult life has its roots in any needs we had in childhood that went unmet, and, as the child of a mother with borderline personality disorder himself, he knows whereof he speaks. Follow Dr. Smith’s video series online. In it he will tell you the journey of his own life, in which he himself bolted in his mid-forties from a marriage to a good woman, in search of crazy narcissists who would abandon him as his borderline mother had. Dr. Smith solidly makes the case that anything we experience in relationship now, we experienced at the hands of our mothers and fathers growing up, and we’re going back to it now in adulthood to experience it in consciousness this time and heal.
And it’s the truth! Looking back at how I couldn’t count on parents and family in my childhood…Wow, now I attract this guy I can’t count on, either. Looking back on how my borderline mother cried and complained, constantly implying that if other people around her just treated her right, then she could feel right, and then she would be able to treat us kids right: Well, there’s the origin of my need to find a more successful man who can take care of me, and whom I can “fix.” Lessons I needed to learn: I can take adequate care of myself, and it’s wrong to try to strongarm someone else into doing it for me. And I cannot fix the emotional problems of anyone else. That person has to do the fixing, together with a good therapist and a shitload of emotional elbow grease.
Dr. Smith contends that even if you believe your childhood was just like the Waltons on TV…if your husband has had a total meltdown, cheated, or left, it ain’t the case. You are in denial. Because I knew so much about dysfunctional families and codependency when I entered my relationship triangle, I knew what to ask…and in my case, Smith’s argument is one hundred percent the truth, for the husband, for the wife, and for me. I guarantee it’s true in your case, too, and you ignore or deny it at your peril, because it’s going to show up again in your next relationship. This crucial fact shows up nowhere in Stark’s book. It isn’t that all Stark’s advice is bad, it’s just that this is LEFT OUT. Therefore, the book encourages the abruptly-left wife to put all the blame on the husband, when problems in a marriage, no matter how quietly they festered or how adroitly they were hidden, are never, ever the fault of only one person. Never, ever, ever.
2.) Stark does nothing to encourage women to look at their own contribution to the difficulties that ultimately drove their husband from their marriage. Now, I am aware and completely concede that there ARE those marriages in which the husband truly has willfully displayed nothing. Ohhh, but before you read this book and JUMP to the conclusion that this is you and your ex, you need to go over that with a super-fine-toothed comb.
Look at my situation. In my triangle, the husband has tried to reach the wife for a long, long time. The wife is a classic distancer and has been pooh-poohing the husband’s distress signals for twenty-five years now. NOT a good move, ladies. As examples, if you truly weren’t warned and your husband really did leave you with no prior clues that anything was wrong, you should be able to honestly answer no to all of the following questions:
Has there been a long “dry spell?” Months or even years with no sexual contact between you?
Have you responded to that difference of your husband’s opinion with sharp words or a harsh tone? Once he backed down, did you sail happily on, convinced things were just fine? Um…did that happen a lot, at any time in the past?
Do/did you hear things like, “You’re always attacking me. Everything’s always my fault with you.”?
Do/did you hear things like, “You just don’t/won’t listen to me.”?
Do/did your husband start to isolate, stuck in another room doing things on his own? Did you? How much time are/were you spending on Facebook?
What do/did you guys talk about? If there hasn’t been any significant sharing about feelings, about any part of your lives, for a long period, that’s a big danger sign.
Were you feeling sort of glad you didn’t have to be bothered?
At any time, did you respond to any odd change in your husband’s behavior by exerting pressure on him to go back to the way things always were, instead of listening to what you were told and compassionately trying to understand how he was feeling and why? We grow in life, ladies, and people are supposed to change. Nobody owes you anything just because “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” Cling to this in a miasma of bad temper, and you may find yourself alone.
At any time, did you exert this pressure by talking negatively about him to family or friends, using public opinion to try to scare him back into the way you feel secure and think things are “supposed” to be?
Has he moved out in the past? Requested marriage counseling?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, no fair using this book to call yourself the wronged wife and blame the sudden departure on him. In our case, all of these things were true, and not only had the husband given up trying to reach the wife, he believed she was treating him this way because there was something repulsive and unlovable about him!
Ladies, having your wife treat you like this is searingly painful, and no one can live like this for very long. He’s going to say SOMEthing to SOMEone, and in this case that someone was me. I had an opportunity to reestablish the relationship a year and a half ago. This wife was lucky I didn’t take it. You might not be. Yet I’m quite sure that, if he left again and she read this book, she’d be waving it all over the place, talking about how she was the wronged, model wife, and he’s crazy, and ganging all his friends and family up against him.
Is this you? Really? Be honest, now…
That said, other than these two holes in this book, the advice it gives about what was probably going on in the marriage and how to manage the hardest, most distressing time in your entire life is spot on. I’ve found, however, that it’s good to spend some time delving into childhood and family of origin issues and how they affect your adult relationships. Obey, at least in this respect, that need to mull over what happened. Just be sure you follow the advice in the book about emails, revenge, and things to do each day to help and support your mood!
Lastly, I want to say that astrology has been astounding in my situation. Not only did it warn me about the time a year and a half ago when I’d have an opportunity to reestablish the relationship, it also reflected everything I’ve said here, along with some dire warnings about what will happen if the parties involved here don’t learn these lessons and get their … together. I don’t doubt a bit of what I’ve been shown, and that was part of my decision not to renew the relationship a year and a half ago.
Author: Vikki Stark
No, I wasn’t married to either of the guys who slam-dumped me and left me, but I have been on that side of the aisle. I have also been on the other side of the aisle; that of the scarlet-lettered Other Woman one of these guys left his wife for. Since that guy dumped me to go back into his marriage, leaving me as shell-shocked as his wife was when he moved out, I have devoted my life to reading, studying, and soaking up absolutely everything I possibly can about this phenomenon in relationships. It didn’t take me as long as it might have taken some, since I was raised by a parent with borderline personality disorder and my bookshelves were already lined with tomes on mental illness, codependency, pursuing and distancing in relationships, and how to have a healthy marriage, long before this abrupt triangle/dump situation arose in my life.
After my latest and most painful dump, I really put my research into overdrive; I even studied astrology. So, I have encountered Runaway Husbands last, not first, and it’s affected my perspective on this book quite a bit.
Specifically, although I see that the book is well-written, contains truth, and will comfort most any woman whose husband has bolted without warning and turned inexplicably hostile overnight, I also see that the book is incomplete. It has two rather large holes in it.
1.) The Huge Hole in this book is that it does not tie either the behavior of the husband or the wife (or the mistress, for that matter) back to their childhood. I discovered the work of the wonderful therapist Mark Smith, of Family Tree Counseling and Family Tree Brand Life Coaches, shortly after my guy dumped me to go back to a disastrous marriage, and his perspective has made all the difference to me. I see not a trace of it, however, in Stark’s book, although she is a therapist herself.
Mark Smith argues that everything we attract and choose for our adult life has its roots in any needs we had in childhood that went unmet, and, as the child of a mother with borderline personality disorder himself, he knows whereof he speaks. Follow Dr. Smith’s video series online. In it he will tell you the journey of his own life, in which he himself bolted in his mid-forties from a marriage to a good woman, in search of crazy narcissists who would abandon him as his borderline mother had. Dr. Smith solidly makes the case that anything we experience in relationship now, we experienced at the hands of our mothers and fathers growing up, and we’re going back to it now in adulthood to experience it in consciousness this time and heal.
And it’s the truth! Looking back at how I couldn’t count on parents and family in my childhood…Wow, now I attract this guy I can’t count on, either. Looking back on how my borderline mother cried and complained, constantly implying that if other people around her just treated her right, then she could feel right, and then she would be able to treat us kids right: Well, there’s the origin of my need to find a more successful man who can take care of me, and whom I can “fix.” Lessons I needed to learn: I can take adequate care of myself, and it’s wrong to try to strongarm someone else into doing it for me. And I cannot fix the emotional problems of anyone else. That person has to do the fixing, together with a good therapist and a shitload of emotional elbow grease.
Dr. Smith contends that even if you believe your childhood was just like the Waltons on TV…if your husband has had a total meltdown, cheated, or left, it ain’t the case. You are in denial. Because I knew so much about dysfunctional families and codependency when I entered my relationship triangle, I knew what to ask…and in my case, Smith’s argument is one hundred percent the truth, for the husband, for the wife, and for me. I guarantee it’s true in your case, too, and you ignore or deny it at your peril, because it’s going to show up again in your next relationship. This crucial fact shows up nowhere in Stark’s book. It isn’t that all Stark’s advice is bad, it’s just that this is LEFT OUT. Therefore, the book encourages the abruptly-left wife to put all the blame on the husband, when problems in a marriage, no matter how quietly they festered or how adroitly they were hidden, are never, ever the fault of only one person. Never, ever, ever.
2.) Stark does nothing to encourage women to look at their own contribution to the difficulties that ultimately drove their husband from their marriage. Now, I am aware and completely concede that there ARE those marriages in which the husband truly has willfully displayed nothing. Ohhh, but before you read this book and JUMP to the conclusion that this is you and your ex, you need to go over that with a super-fine-toothed comb.
Look at my situation. In my triangle, the husband has tried to reach the wife for a long, long time. The wife is a classic distancer and has been pooh-poohing the husband’s distress signals for twenty-five years now. NOT a good move, ladies. As examples, if you truly weren’t warned and your husband really did leave you with no prior clues that anything was wrong, you should be able to honestly answer no to all of the following questions:
Has there been a long “dry spell?” Months or even years with no sexual contact between you?
Have you responded to that difference of your husband’s opinion with sharp words or a harsh tone? Once he backed down, did you sail happily on, convinced things were just fine? Um…did that happen a lot, at any time in the past?
Do/did you hear things like, “You’re always attacking me. Everything’s always my fault with you.”?
Do/did you hear things like, “You just don’t/won’t listen to me.”?
Do/did your husband start to isolate, stuck in another room doing things on his own? Did you? How much time are/were you spending on Facebook?
What do/did you guys talk about? If there hasn’t been any significant sharing about feelings, about any part of your lives, for a long period, that’s a big danger sign.
Were you feeling sort of glad you didn’t have to be bothered?
At any time, did you respond to any odd change in your husband’s behavior by exerting pressure on him to go back to the way things always were, instead of listening to what you were told and compassionately trying to understand how he was feeling and why? We grow in life, ladies, and people are supposed to change. Nobody owes you anything just because “that’s the way we’ve always done it.” Cling to this in a miasma of bad temper, and you may find yourself alone.
At any time, did you exert this pressure by talking negatively about him to family or friends, using public opinion to try to scare him back into the way you feel secure and think things are “supposed” to be?
Has he moved out in the past? Requested marriage counseling?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, no fair using this book to call yourself the wronged wife and blame the sudden departure on him. In our case, all of these things were true, and not only had the husband given up trying to reach the wife, he believed she was treating him this way because there was something repulsive and unlovable about him!
Ladies, having your wife treat you like this is searingly painful, and no one can live like this for very long. He’s going to say SOMEthing to SOMEone, and in this case that someone was me. I had an opportunity to reestablish the relationship a year and a half ago. This wife was lucky I didn’t take it. You might not be. Yet I’m quite sure that, if he left again and she read this book, she’d be waving it all over the place, talking about how she was the wronged, model wife, and he’s crazy, and ganging all his friends and family up against him.
Is this you? Really? Be honest, now…
That said, other than these two holes in this book, the advice it gives about what was probably going on in the marriage and how to manage the hardest, most distressing time in your entire life is spot on. I’ve found, however, that it’s good to spend some time delving into childhood and family of origin issues and how they affect your adult relationships. Obey, at least in this respect, that need to mull over what happened. Just be sure you follow the advice in the book about emails, revenge, and things to do each day to help and support your mood!
Lastly, I want to say that astrology has been astounding in my situation. Not only did it warn me about the time a year and a half ago when I’d have an opportunity to reestablish the relationship, it also reflected everything I’ve said here, along with some dire warnings about what will happen if the parties involved here don’t learn these lessons and get their … together. I don’t doubt a bit of what I’ve been shown, and that was part of my decision not to renew the relationship a year and a half ago.
April 28, 2014
Very helpful
September 22, 2015
Validating and supportive and extremely cathartic...read this at just the right time.
July 27, 2019
This book kept me alive, when the pain of my husband leaving me suddenly for a much younger woman, was all too real. It's a very worthwhile read.
November 16, 2019
Amazingly accurate book! A must read for anyone dealing with the same crap as me!
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December 30, 2019I don't know how to give a star rating to a self-help book. But I will say it was extremely helpful to realize that there are tons of ladies out there who have been in my circumstance and have pushed through it to go on to lead happy lives. That seems so far away still, but every day in another day to heal more.
December 15, 2018
I now know I am not alone
I feel much better after reading this book. My husband left suddenly literally using the same words in this book that many of the men used "I can't do this" That's when my world went spinning . I thought I was crazy, how did I not see this coming? In reading this book, I found that there are so many women out there that get blindsided by their husband's sudden departure of their seemingly happy marriage and life. I am still in the early stages of my divorce but reading this bokk has made me gain a new perspective on my situation and gave me answers my husband would not. The women's stories of healing and redefining theirlives gives me hope that one day I too, can move on. Thank you to the women who shared their stories and thank you Vicky Stark for this book.
I feel much better after reading this book. My husband left suddenly literally using the same words in this book that many of the men used "I can't do this" That's when my world went spinning . I thought I was crazy, how did I not see this coming? In reading this book, I found that there are so many women out there that get blindsided by their husband's sudden departure of their seemingly happy marriage and life. I am still in the early stages of my divorce but reading this bokk has made me gain a new perspective on my situation and gave me answers my husband would not. The women's stories of healing and redefining theirlives gives me hope that one day I too, can move on. Thank you to the women who shared their stories and thank you Vicky Stark for this book.
September 28, 2018
Incredible!
Never in a million years did I expect to be reading divorce books in my lifetime. I thought my marriage was wonderful. My husband did not. This book is incredible and it is a huge relief to know that this is not my fault-it’s happened many times to other women. This book lifted my spirits and helped me to relieve anxiety about my future. I recommend it for anyone who was left by a spouse when they didn’t see it coming. Excellent read!
Never in a million years did I expect to be reading divorce books in my lifetime. I thought my marriage was wonderful. My husband did not. This book is incredible and it is a huge relief to know that this is not my fault-it’s happened many times to other women. This book lifted my spirits and helped me to relieve anxiety about my future. I recommend it for anyone who was left by a spouse when they didn’t see it coming. Excellent read!
December 12, 2018
I love this book! It really helped me through the worst and best time of my life. I had the honor of meeting Vikki and she is an incredible person. Highly recommend it to anyone going through something similar. I gifted it to a few women who were in the process and have heard that it also helped them. It's so interesting to see the similarities/differences between stories and personalities/characteristics of men who do this.
June 28, 2017
I wish I had found this book earlier in the year. However, there is some useful information that I can still apply to my life moving forward.
If you've ever been blindsided by your husband (or wife), and abandoned, it's hard to wrap your mind around the events and how they unfold. The answers to any questions might never be divulged, but this book will help.
If you've ever been blindsided by your husband (or wife), and abandoned, it's hard to wrap your mind around the events and how they unfold. The answers to any questions might never be divulged, but this book will help.
September 4, 2018
I never knew how many other women have gone through the exact same thing in nearly the same way. This book will save your sanity and help you through the extremely difficult process of being abandoned.
November 14, 2014
This book was my bible after my husband left me out of the blue.
November 18, 2016
My life in a book.
Thankful to know that I'm not crazy, and that I really didn't deserve it. On my way to my new future.
Thankful to know that I'm not crazy, and that I really didn't deserve it. On my way to my new future.
April 14, 2019
Absolutely soul soothing
Thank you for this amazing resource. It has literally saved my life and sanity. God bless you & all your readers!
Thank you for this amazing resource. It has literally saved my life and sanity. God bless you & all your readers!
September 11, 2019
It's so hard to write reviews for self help books- they either help or they don't. This book was validating and helpful, and sends home the message that you are not alone.
January 21, 2025
3.5 stars. Not an especially deep treatment of this topic, but at least it’s something. It’s deeply disturbing to see how same-same the behaviors of these men are. If you put this together with Diane Vaughan’s Uncoupling and Florence Williams’s Heartbreak, you might wind up with something like insight. A couple of chapters in RH were really helpful to me personally. What is interesting and depressing is the apparent lack of insight/self-awareness and compassion for a long time partner and even children these men display. And no, they are not all narcissists, not even covert ones.
No one is saying that the women behaved perfectly and were just suddenly abandoned. But the failure to communicate the kind of unhappiness that would lead to leaving the family is astonishing, especially when it’s someone who seemed to believe that the commitment was to a relationship and not just to a person. And who judged others for behaving this way. A level of drastic change in personality and values that makes you wonder if they are ill in some way, if they’ve had some kind of psychotic break or if they are in early dementia or what. But that type of break does not seem to appear in their other behaviors or in their ability to function in the world. So it doesn’t have a medical cause. It’s just a strange rupture in ethics, personality, and relational skills.
But the features of this type of let’s just call it family abandonment are awfully consistent. It’s like they all just drank a certain Kool-Aid and that was it. Whatever it is, these men don’t seem to want to look at it as a pattern. Often there are other women involved, but that does not explain how they allowed that person into their hearts. Or why. If they have hearts, which honestly seems rather questionable after you read all this. But one feature is that whatever explanation they give, if they give one at all, is absolutely nonsensical. But you can’t have a conversation and get to why it really happened or why it seems nonsensical to you and have them come back at you with a response to that. I mean, they’ll say something dumb like you’re too cluttered, when in general in the relationship, they’ve been the more cluttery person. Something so shallow and so simplistic that it can hardly be world ending or worth the extreme financial hit to both parties of a divorce. And yet there is no discussion and no say at all for the abandoned partner.
Stark claims that she has conducted a study, but her study is bullshit in terms of its design. It’s not good data, but that does not mean that the narratives around this type of experience are not strikingly similar. I would really like to see some serious research done on this issue and I would like to see more acknowledgment of the fact that this is not just heterosexual relationships and it is not something only female partners experience. Men have wives that run away as well I would also like to read a more comprehensive investigation into what really is going on for the runaways.
I think the most helpful book that I’ve been able to read so far is David Wexler’s When Good Men Behave Badly. However, this book is kind of old at this point and it’s not available in Kindle or audio or any other form. And unfortunately, it’s usually just women who read it, looking for insight into whatever the hell happened.
All in all a very sad story and all too common. And I’m most shocked that these men don’t seem to care that they’re behaving in such a clichéd manner. I mean, if I found myself thinking in a way or behaving in a way I had previously abhorred, I would probably try to change that behavior in myself. And in fact I am always trying to do better. My husband always espoused this approach to life. I don’t understand what happened in this book is not really helping with that, but it is helping me accept that I won’t ever understand it, but it still really happened, as senseless as it was.
No one is saying that the women behaved perfectly and were just suddenly abandoned. But the failure to communicate the kind of unhappiness that would lead to leaving the family is astonishing, especially when it’s someone who seemed to believe that the commitment was to a relationship and not just to a person. And who judged others for behaving this way. A level of drastic change in personality and values that makes you wonder if they are ill in some way, if they’ve had some kind of psychotic break or if they are in early dementia or what. But that type of break does not seem to appear in their other behaviors or in their ability to function in the world. So it doesn’t have a medical cause. It’s just a strange rupture in ethics, personality, and relational skills.
But the features of this type of let’s just call it family abandonment are awfully consistent. It’s like they all just drank a certain Kool-Aid and that was it. Whatever it is, these men don’t seem to want to look at it as a pattern. Often there are other women involved, but that does not explain how they allowed that person into their hearts. Or why. If they have hearts, which honestly seems rather questionable after you read all this. But one feature is that whatever explanation they give, if they give one at all, is absolutely nonsensical. But you can’t have a conversation and get to why it really happened or why it seems nonsensical to you and have them come back at you with a response to that. I mean, they’ll say something dumb like you’re too cluttered, when in general in the relationship, they’ve been the more cluttery person. Something so shallow and so simplistic that it can hardly be world ending or worth the extreme financial hit to both parties of a divorce. And yet there is no discussion and no say at all for the abandoned partner.
Stark claims that she has conducted a study, but her study is bullshit in terms of its design. It’s not good data, but that does not mean that the narratives around this type of experience are not strikingly similar. I would really like to see some serious research done on this issue and I would like to see more acknowledgment of the fact that this is not just heterosexual relationships and it is not something only female partners experience. Men have wives that run away as well I would also like to read a more comprehensive investigation into what really is going on for the runaways.
I think the most helpful book that I’ve been able to read so far is David Wexler’s When Good Men Behave Badly. However, this book is kind of old at this point and it’s not available in Kindle or audio or any other form. And unfortunately, it’s usually just women who read it, looking for insight into whatever the hell happened.
All in all a very sad story and all too common. And I’m most shocked that these men don’t seem to care that they’re behaving in such a clichéd manner. I mean, if I found myself thinking in a way or behaving in a way I had previously abhorred, I would probably try to change that behavior in myself. And in fact I am always trying to do better. My husband always espoused this approach to life. I don’t understand what happened in this book is not really helping with that, but it is helping me accept that I won’t ever understand it, but it still really happened, as senseless as it was.
October 5, 2022
‘Pinpointing the exact moment life skidded off course’ – Abandonment and Healing!
Canadian author Vikki Stark is an international psychotherapist online and in her Montreal office, serves as Founder and Director of Sedona Counseling Centre, blogs in Psychology Today Magazine, and has been honored by guest appearances on The Today Show, Oprah, Time Magazine, and Maclean’s. Her books to date – MY SISTER MY SELF, THE DIVORCE TALK, PLANET HEARTBREAK, and this exceptional book – RUNAWAY HUSBANDS.
Stark opens her mighty volume detailing her own experience with having her husband abruptly, and quite unexpectedly, leave her upon her return from an extended book tour for her initial book MY SISTER, MY SELF, and in doing so details the emotional trauma such events can cause. She has outlined this event as the Wife Abandonment Syndrome, described as ‘a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated.’ As a marriage and divorce counselor, she explores this pattern from the POV of clients and other others in a manner that encourages understanding and healing for those women who have suffered this malady. She formed SWAP – the Sudden Wife Abandonment Project - and the results are shared here. ‘The crisis of abandonment is first and foremost a crisis of identity,’ and to that end Stark’s book addresses the phases of Wife Abandonment Syndrome and offers insights such as, ‘revise your beliefs about human nature, believe in your self worth, get accustomed to being self reliant and independent, expect good things for your future, and stay positive.’
This is a most important book that deserves wide distribution. Stark’s presentation is well researched and considered, and her manner of instruction is readily accessible – an excellent supportive guide for women who are confronted with this syndrome – and for all women who need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Men also should read this book – to discover how toxic abrupt desertion of a marriage can be, not only for wives but also for children, and perhaps consider becoming a more advised partner. Very highly recommended.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book
Canadian author Vikki Stark is an international psychotherapist online and in her Montreal office, serves as Founder and Director of Sedona Counseling Centre, blogs in Psychology Today Magazine, and has been honored by guest appearances on The Today Show, Oprah, Time Magazine, and Maclean’s. Her books to date – MY SISTER MY SELF, THE DIVORCE TALK, PLANET HEARTBREAK, and this exceptional book – RUNAWAY HUSBANDS.
Stark opens her mighty volume detailing her own experience with having her husband abruptly, and quite unexpectedly, leave her upon her return from an extended book tour for her initial book MY SISTER, MY SELF, and in doing so details the emotional trauma such events can cause. She has outlined this event as the Wife Abandonment Syndrome, described as ‘a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated.’ As a marriage and divorce counselor, she explores this pattern from the POV of clients and other others in a manner that encourages understanding and healing for those women who have suffered this malady. She formed SWAP – the Sudden Wife Abandonment Project - and the results are shared here. ‘The crisis of abandonment is first and foremost a crisis of identity,’ and to that end Stark’s book addresses the phases of Wife Abandonment Syndrome and offers insights such as, ‘revise your beliefs about human nature, believe in your self worth, get accustomed to being self reliant and independent, expect good things for your future, and stay positive.’
This is a most important book that deserves wide distribution. Stark’s presentation is well researched and considered, and her manner of instruction is readily accessible – an excellent supportive guide for women who are confronted with this syndrome – and for all women who need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Men also should read this book – to discover how toxic abrupt desertion of a marriage can be, not only for wives but also for children, and perhaps consider becoming a more advised partner. Very highly recommended.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book
July 2, 2021
Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Vikki Stark M.S.W c 2020 as reviewed by Gail M. Murray
Vikki Stark abandoned by her own husband studied the phenomenon and came up with the term Wife Abandonment Syndrome or W.A.S. analyzing the results of over 400 women who answered her questionnaire. W.A. S is a pattern of behavior on the part of the husband who leaves his wife out of the blue without having told her he was unhappy in the relationship. Often he’s been having an affair and she is totally blindsided. Common characteristics include: deception, shows no remorse, blurts it out (fait accompli), has not voiced unhappiness, seemed attentive and caring prior to this sudden blurting out “I’m leaving” or “I can’t do this anymore.”
The women are devastated, often suffer a crisis of identity and blow to self –esteem, do detective work to figure out what happened. Often the men are resentful, avoid conflict and there is a sexual component (affair). The wife is powerless, left out of the process. Reasons the men give, if they give any are often stupid. Some just want out, freedom, fresh start; do over, excitement, strokes to their ego. “
“Their explanations are offered as diversionary tactics. It’s just too hard to say ‘Some younger woman looks up to me, finds me attractive, and we’re having hot sex and it’s just too good to pass up!’”(p43)
Stark offers the women a “Bag of Tricks” to help her heal, accept it is over, accept the message of his words and deed, rebuild her self-esteem which include: stop obsessing, plan a trip, take a dance class or college class, get a pet; don’t let him define you. Stark includes the questionnaire in the back of the book as well as giving mini talks on you tube. Her you tube talk on sexuality is enlightening. Sex can become mundane after many years. Men may ask…..is this all here is, especially if they are getting older. The core of leaving can be his sexuality, fear of losing his edge. The other woman is not better but new, different; he gets an ego boost.
The one area she needs to spend a great deal more time on is TRUST. How does an abandoned woman trust again? Trust the new man. Trust her own judgment. How can she find a new loving relationship?
October 29, 2022
I've not been a victim of Wife Abandonment, but my husband of 30 years did die somewhat quickly. So I thought I would read this book to see if it was relatable to grieving wives.
The first half of the book is about the incredible heart-ache of women who's husbands just one day, out of the blue, said "I'm done," and out the door they go. I have no idea how I would have handled that type of drama. Would I ever learn to trust again? And that is an issue these women face. Not only tying to find who they really are without being a "part" of someone else, but learning to move on and trust again. I can definitely relate to the fact that women do lose themselves in their marriages and it becomes all about 'him' and his wants and needs. So, when you're suddenly alone, you actually have to face 'yourself', and for some women, it's the first time they've every been alone.
The second half of the book is about overcoming the hurt and learning to move one. Here again, I can relate. Even when suffering grief, we still get obsessive about our past and we reflect over and over on the good and bad times of our relationship. It was brought up in the book that losing your husband due to abandonment versus death is harder. Not sure if I agree with that idea. Death is final while divorce, though you may hate him, at least he's still alive.
If you've been abandoned by what you thought was a loving and caring husband, this book might help you come to terms with all the self-doubt and learning how to move on to a better and more fulfilling life. I give it 4 stars.
The first half of the book is about the incredible heart-ache of women who's husbands just one day, out of the blue, said "I'm done," and out the door they go. I have no idea how I would have handled that type of drama. Would I ever learn to trust again? And that is an issue these women face. Not only tying to find who they really are without being a "part" of someone else, but learning to move on and trust again. I can definitely relate to the fact that women do lose themselves in their marriages and it becomes all about 'him' and his wants and needs. So, when you're suddenly alone, you actually have to face 'yourself', and for some women, it's the first time they've every been alone.
The second half of the book is about overcoming the hurt and learning to move one. Here again, I can relate. Even when suffering grief, we still get obsessive about our past and we reflect over and over on the good and bad times of our relationship. It was brought up in the book that losing your husband due to abandonment versus death is harder. Not sure if I agree with that idea. Death is final while divorce, though you may hate him, at least he's still alive.
If you've been abandoned by what you thought was a loving and caring husband, this book might help you come to terms with all the self-doubt and learning how to move on to a better and more fulfilling life. I give it 4 stars.
May 29, 2016
Under other circumstances, I might not even bother to read this, but it happened to me and in my desperate effort to figure out WTF went wrong, I began devouring the sort of books I normally ridicule. There are a lot of them out there that deserve it, but Stark's personal ordeal and extensive education and practice in the profession as a therapist lends this well written, perfectly organized book a great del of authority and appeal . We get to peer inside the broken hearts of the woman men have left suddenly and without much warning.
There is nothing more helpful when one is in abject misery than finding others who are being crushed in the same waY. It's nit exactly misery loving company. It's more like "Wow! This is not ll that uncommon." More importantly, the book considers why men take off for good, leaving spouses all too clueless about why the marriage, most many years long, without telling their wives what the hell is going on.
The women depicted in the pages are very confounded, confused and consider this abandonment as one of the most dreadful event they've survived so far.
Stark's ability to relate to them is uncanny. Of course she went through the runaway husband nightmare too, and that inspired her work in this wide open genre, but it takes more than being dumped by your restless husband to make one effective in the research, writing and treatment of shattered patients, it takes empathy, insight and passion,
Stark could have early let herself slip into a nasty tone and vilified the likely personality disorders men who pull this kind of stunt. She didn't. However she made sure all her efforts were not offensive or intolerant . Even when discussing the personal horror she herself went through, Stark manages to avoid the easy way out while drawing great strength for an ability to even see where these men are in terms of mind body and soul.
It was a revelation and a weapon I still use whenever I am overthinking events that left my ex wallowing in his gleeful contempt; as expensive consequences for his misdeeds eluded his warped thinking, he was gloating , getting off on his smear campaign and baiting me with diabolical purpose. As Stark repeats through out the book, wives will find out what is going on in whatever way they can.
She suggests that hacking email accounts, opening private journals, eavesdropping and other MSA tactics are not serious violations given the magnitude of the runaway husbands' misdeeds is so heavy and difficult to recover from. There are frequent echoes of the personality disorders' narcissism, deceit and lack of empathy when Stark considers reactions of the husbands to their wives snooping . As my runaway husband still complains bitterly, my invasion of his privacy is a transgression of monumental proportions. Women went decades without looking at husbands journals, social networks, and journals. It never occurred to me or them that we should sneak around to see if he was sneaking around. Turns out he was. He was doing some things I hate to admit he did . It became so overwhelming to read his revelations that I had to confront him with a litany assumption.
When we divorce, we fail. By this I mean that we hope to have a choice in a man leaving us. For most the truth is hard to grasp and leaving the husband who lies, is not easy because the trust he's had is no longer looming above we will accept his lies much more readily than the truth : you didn't do anything to deserve this, and a unilateral decision on his part is evidence of how heartless and unfit this man is. It hurts more to see him for what he is. We want to put faith in him. We can't trust a man like that or our own so oppressor, major I'd say many of us will ignore the truth if need be. We will accept blame, plead, ignore the ways he's used and abused us, and continue to make excuses, but the man /woman in charge recognizes that there is nothing we can do about the divorce , break up and making the guys tow the line even after 50 years of marriage.
Stark alludes to how her own runaway husband banned her , scammed her, screamed and damned her to years of doom and eventually dark victory. Because she was doing so munch scholarship even after the second book came to light that Vicki Stark , Stark also gathered the details of random women and men . Those who use d the book as I have encouraged others to read it for the same reasons but this book has another context and this is about redemption and Starks strong will and gracious heart,. I wrote her after doing the test which was very fresh and long .
She wrote me back immediately and offered me general words of encouragement . You shouldn't give that husband so much power" she says and I decide to follow her advice by unleashing his many pages of self absorbed sexually lurid and ugly mean spirited entires in his journal . I only dangle them in front of my ex to let him know I have them. The evidence is not going to be disbursed to his boss, the bar or the brood of bad friends he keeps handy for these sorts of thing ., I'd think about doing things and I still can't do them. It's not out of fear . It's more out of loyalty, it's odd how he gets to breach my trust and runs out of misinformation as he goes to see his therapist, scribbling for her on of color papered and fidgeting as he admits to his desire to see me gone, or better yet dead by my own hand. That therapist will Connor his antics and label me whatever his patient has said I am. Last year it was a borderline personality. This year I graduated to psycho yet I still don't do the damage I could do and he is still doing all he can do to damage me.
Stark gets the urge to retaliate but offers an extremely passive POV that is ethical yet not very sound. Vengeance is not good and there is no such thing as closure, if you got the boot and your ex abandoned you, this book is a must read that can make sense of your situation and help you avoid another.
There is nothing more helpful when one is in abject misery than finding others who are being crushed in the same waY. It's nit exactly misery loving company. It's more like "Wow! This is not ll that uncommon." More importantly, the book considers why men take off for good, leaving spouses all too clueless about why the marriage, most many years long, without telling their wives what the hell is going on.
The women depicted in the pages are very confounded, confused and consider this abandonment as one of the most dreadful event they've survived so far.
Stark's ability to relate to them is uncanny. Of course she went through the runaway husband nightmare too, and that inspired her work in this wide open genre, but it takes more than being dumped by your restless husband to make one effective in the research, writing and treatment of shattered patients, it takes empathy, insight and passion,
Stark could have early let herself slip into a nasty tone and vilified the likely personality disorders men who pull this kind of stunt. She didn't. However she made sure all her efforts were not offensive or intolerant . Even when discussing the personal horror she herself went through, Stark manages to avoid the easy way out while drawing great strength for an ability to even see where these men are in terms of mind body and soul.
It was a revelation and a weapon I still use whenever I am overthinking events that left my ex wallowing in his gleeful contempt; as expensive consequences for his misdeeds eluded his warped thinking, he was gloating , getting off on his smear campaign and baiting me with diabolical purpose. As Stark repeats through out the book, wives will find out what is going on in whatever way they can.
She suggests that hacking email accounts, opening private journals, eavesdropping and other MSA tactics are not serious violations given the magnitude of the runaway husbands' misdeeds is so heavy and difficult to recover from. There are frequent echoes of the personality disorders' narcissism, deceit and lack of empathy when Stark considers reactions of the husbands to their wives snooping . As my runaway husband still complains bitterly, my invasion of his privacy is a transgression of monumental proportions. Women went decades without looking at husbands journals, social networks, and journals. It never occurred to me or them that we should sneak around to see if he was sneaking around. Turns out he was. He was doing some things I hate to admit he did . It became so overwhelming to read his revelations that I had to confront him with a litany assumption.
When we divorce, we fail. By this I mean that we hope to have a choice in a man leaving us. For most the truth is hard to grasp and leaving the husband who lies, is not easy because the trust he's had is no longer looming above we will accept his lies much more readily than the truth : you didn't do anything to deserve this, and a unilateral decision on his part is evidence of how heartless and unfit this man is. It hurts more to see him for what he is. We want to put faith in him. We can't trust a man like that or our own so oppressor, major I'd say many of us will ignore the truth if need be. We will accept blame, plead, ignore the ways he's used and abused us, and continue to make excuses, but the man /woman in charge recognizes that there is nothing we can do about the divorce , break up and making the guys tow the line even after 50 years of marriage.
Stark alludes to how her own runaway husband banned her , scammed her, screamed and damned her to years of doom and eventually dark victory. Because she was doing so munch scholarship even after the second book came to light that Vicki Stark , Stark also gathered the details of random women and men . Those who use d the book as I have encouraged others to read it for the same reasons but this book has another context and this is about redemption and Starks strong will and gracious heart,. I wrote her after doing the test which was very fresh and long .
She wrote me back immediately and offered me general words of encouragement . You shouldn't give that husband so much power" she says and I decide to follow her advice by unleashing his many pages of self absorbed sexually lurid and ugly mean spirited entires in his journal . I only dangle them in front of my ex to let him know I have them. The evidence is not going to be disbursed to his boss, the bar or the brood of bad friends he keeps handy for these sorts of thing ., I'd think about doing things and I still can't do them. It's not out of fear . It's more out of loyalty, it's odd how he gets to breach my trust and runs out of misinformation as he goes to see his therapist, scribbling for her on of color papered and fidgeting as he admits to his desire to see me gone, or better yet dead by my own hand. That therapist will Connor his antics and label me whatever his patient has said I am. Last year it was a borderline personality. This year I graduated to psycho yet I still don't do the damage I could do and he is still doing all he can do to damage me.
Stark gets the urge to retaliate but offers an extremely passive POV that is ethical yet not very sound. Vengeance is not good and there is no such thing as closure, if you got the boot and your ex abandoned you, this book is a must read that can make sense of your situation and help you avoid another.
November 13, 2020
For me who is currently being in the thick of it, this book is helping me a lot. It is giving me reassurance that I am not crazy and that there are a lot of men who are just a bastard and it is not because of something we did. I felt comfort in knowing a lot of women experiencing the same thing.
I think I have a good head on my shoulder, a strong support system from friends and family, and I have so many activities and hobbies that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this situation. But of course, it was always there on the back of my mind and during these times when I am vulnerable, I pick up this book and read a chapter. This book was written with a lot of understanding and encouragement, it is something that I need at this time.
I really recommend it for anyone experiencing the same situation. I enjoy reading it.
I think I have a good head on my shoulder, a strong support system from friends and family, and I have so many activities and hobbies that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this situation. But of course, it was always there on the back of my mind and during these times when I am vulnerable, I pick up this book and read a chapter. This book was written with a lot of understanding and encouragement, it is something that I need at this time.
I really recommend it for anyone experiencing the same situation. I enjoy reading it.
February 4, 2021
Vikki Stark writes well and I agree with a lot of her messaging, particularly that living well is the best revenge and that it's not about him it's about you. As a family therapist Stark is a qualified provider of theoretical advice, and as an abandoned wife eminently more so. If what happened to her happened to you, you will love this book because she culled information from survey respondents that mirrors your experiences also; that being husband suddenly ending seemingly happy marriage in uncharacteristic and caustic anger, and then leaving permanently.
The reasons that husbands give for leaving are comedic gold, and the turning points that lead to recovery and renewal are inspiring. It's a minor point, but please, anybody reading this should be warned against putting makeup on before sleeping.
The reasons that husbands give for leaving are comedic gold, and the turning points that lead to recovery and renewal are inspiring. It's a minor point, but please, anybody reading this should be warned against putting makeup on before sleeping.
December 27, 2018
Two Years Post D Day
I was abandoned by my ex husband 88 days into our marriage (after a 2 year engagement) while I was 26 weeks pregnant with our son. After almost bleeding to death post partum right in front of him, he still had me served with divorce and emergency sole custody papers. Both were full of lies, exaggerations, and things taken completely out of context. Although i eventually agreed to giving him 1/3 custody, he has dragged me into court every 6 months to eliminate me from our sons life. About 10 months ago I found out that he has a girlfriend but he still denies this fact even a year after our divorce was finalized. This book helped me tremendously to understand his motive and lack of empathy for what he out me through.
I was abandoned by my ex husband 88 days into our marriage (after a 2 year engagement) while I was 26 weeks pregnant with our son. After almost bleeding to death post partum right in front of him, he still had me served with divorce and emergency sole custody papers. Both were full of lies, exaggerations, and things taken completely out of context. Although i eventually agreed to giving him 1/3 custody, he has dragged me into court every 6 months to eliminate me from our sons life. About 10 months ago I found out that he has a girlfriend but he still denies this fact even a year after our divorce was finalized. This book helped me tremendously to understand his motive and lack of empathy for what he out me through.
January 4, 2024
I wish I’d known about this book the moment it was released!
My husband ran away, made me a chump, and I took him back only to divorce him ten years later.
I wish I’d known then the wisdom of this book. I would have understood better we were over after the affair.
I had so many counselors and church folk holding me up as a rock star forgiver. Yet, for all that I gave, he took. I needed a therapist to explain he was never going to change and got one, ten years after he’d run away with another woman.
Sigh.
This book is amazing. I laughed, I cried, and I healed. These pages are filled with exactly my story too. The hope and self forgiveness I recieve reading was priceless. Thank you.
My husband ran away, made me a chump, and I took him back only to divorce him ten years later.
I wish I’d known then the wisdom of this book. I would have understood better we were over after the affair.
I had so many counselors and church folk holding me up as a rock star forgiver. Yet, for all that I gave, he took. I needed a therapist to explain he was never going to change and got one, ten years after he’d run away with another woman.
Sigh.
This book is amazing. I laughed, I cried, and I healed. These pages are filled with exactly my story too. The hope and self forgiveness I recieve reading was priceless. Thank you.
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