Ten Thousand Joys & Ten Thousand Sorrows: A Couple's Journey Through Alzheimer's

by Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle

" Ten Thousand Sorrows & Ten Thousand Joys offers a vision of lives well-led, and of love in the thick of crisis and loss. Beyond inspiring."-Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence

"This beautiful book is unlike any other personal account of living with Alzheimer's disease that I have ever read . . . it offers patients and families practical insights into how they can live their lives more fully amidst the heartbreak of a mind-robbing illness."- Paul Raia, Director of Patient Care and Family Support, Alzheimer's Association, Massachusetts Chapter

"A story of courage, love, and growing wisdom in the face of Alzheimer's."-Joseph Goldstein, author of One Dharma, Founder / Director of Insight Meditation Society

In this profound and courageous memoir, Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle describes how her husband's Alzheimer's diagnosis at the age of seventy-two challenged them to live the spiritual teachings they had embraced during the course of their life together. Following a midlife career shift, Harrison Hobliztelle, or Hob as he was called, a former professor of comparative literature at Barnard, Columbia, and Brandeis University, became a family therapist and was ordained a Dharmacharya (senior teacher) by Thich Nhat Hanh. Hob comes to life in these pages as an incredibly funny and brilliant man who never stopped enjoying a good philosophical conversation-even as his mind, quite literally, slipped away from him. And yet when they first heard the diagnosis, Olivia and Hob's initial reaction was to cling desperately to the life they had had. But everything had changed, and they knew that the only answer was to greet this last phase of Hob's life consciously and lovingly.

Ten Thousand Joys & Ten Thousand Sorrows provides a wise and compassionate vision for maintaining hope and grace in the face of life's greatest challenges.

(This memoir was originally self-published as The Majesty of Your Loving .)

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Grief, Health, Buddhism, Death

352 pages, Paperback

First published September 30, 2010

Reviews

[Kirstin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read my mother's copy of the book. She had gotten it at a book reading done by the author. She had dementia and died of Covid in November of 2020. She had lived with the diagnosis of dementia for about a decade. This book was part of my parents' journey with the disease, their preparation, their practice. I had read parts of the book after coming across it after she had died while we waited nearly a year for the funeral. I wanted to honor her journey to Buddhism, and I used some quotes from it in a eulogy for my mother. I finally sat down to read it cover to cover. While she was still with us, I couldn't read this book, didn't want to fully embrace the slow diminishment of my mother...now it is her copy, her highlights throughout that bring me peace. This book is a treasure for anyone caring or loving a person with dementia. It can also be a powerful guide for navigating any degenerative disease or even just getting old with a person you love. I will hold on to this book and when I need it, it will be there with my mother's wisdom to show me which parts are most important.
Thank you to Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle for sharing her story. Hob's story. My mother's story.

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a great help in what to expect. As I could see some of these things beginning to happen to my husband this book helped me a great deal to understand, to ask questions and to be there for him. Some highlights:
- Mindfulness is moment-to-moment awareness
- Hardships can bring inner peace; deepen trust and love
- Use life's problems as incentives for growth, then they become a blessing, not a curse. Problems remind us to practice. All practices, esp meditation, prepare us for death; develop peace and strength. If you have strength, you have peace. True strength is when someone is calm, peaceful and without worries.
- Our presence is their anchor to a disappearing world
- We become the guardians of their past treasured memories
- Mentally disabled. Simplicity. With their impaired minds, they dwelled more in their hearts -- humble, gentle and loving
- You have fewer problems when you have Alzheimers
- Quiet mind...Peaceful heart

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading a book from a couple's perspective of experiencing brain disease isn't ones idea of a summer read. But, this one is so unexpected. Both husband and wife practice Buddhism and are experienced lifelong meditators. The study of mind was both of their vocations. When Hob, the husband is given an early diagnosis of Alzheimer's they declare it a duty to chronicle the experience so other's may learn from their experience. I highly recommend this book be read by anyone with a loved one suffering from any degenerative brain disease. They face the milestones of the disease with grace and acceptance, just part of the experience every human on Earth must experience, dying. This in no way diminishes the pain, suffuring, and sadness of their loss. They just present it as one experience in the myriad deaths occuring all the time. It is the story of the end of the life of an economically comfortable, white, educated, otherwise healthy man in his 70's saying goodbye to himself and all he loves, written from the experience of his wife. She does a wonderful job of putting her story in the framework of not the usual Urban American, privileged death denying, industrialized medical journey of institutionalized care. It is worth it for that alternative experience alone.

[Kye Flannery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful, caring book. Hob develops Alzheimer's, and Olivia takes care of him, and they both confront the dissolution of self (memory, preference, personality, reliability) with kindness and generosity. They know their hearts are going to break, and they agree to be present for the breaking, in its moments of beauty and misery, and present for one another.
May I leave a Sufi poem to represent a Buddhist couple?
"A man knocked on his lover's door one day,
'Who is it?' he heard his beloved say.
He said, 'It's me.'She answered, 'Leave at once
There isn't room for such raw arrogance.'...
He wondered off in pain as his heart burnt,
In exile from the one he yearned,
Matured before then going back once more
And walking to and fro outside her door...
His sweetheart now responded by asking who
Was at the door -- 'None, love, but you'
'Now you are I, please enter in this place
Because for two in here there isn't space'"
— Jellaludin Rumi, translation by Jawid Mojaddedi

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would call this a journey through Alzheimer's for the very spiritually advanced. This couple had followed Buddhist teachings for years before the author's husband was diagnosed with this ugly disease, and so they were prepared, at least in some measure, for the release of self and non-attachment to personal identity that "the long good-bye" requires. They also appear to have had considerable financial resources, which was helpful.

If you are new to this illness and are looking for a very practical, common sense guide to caring for your loved one, this book is probably not it. But if you are looking for a way to find meaning in the journey and to meet the spiritual demands of caregiving with grace, the author's story would likely be inspiring.

[Faith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A couple journey as the husband is dying of Alzheimer's. They talk about how he is feeling and how he wants to be along the way. She cares for him until the end. She offers suggestions at the end of each chapter. A good book to have on hand even if it is to encourage someone experiencing this in their life. Dementia is a tough disease and we don't know how to deal with it until it is in our own family.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it. It was very clearly written, and had a nice balance of reflectiveness with storytelling. I think there's a lot to be learned from Hob and Olivia's experiences with Alzheimer's. It gives you a lot to think about, like the nature of impermanence and how difficult it is to grasp these kinds of realities, even when you're as prepared as you can be. Facing death isn't something that gets easier, even if conceptually you can be okay with it.

[Amy Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book spoke directly to my heart because I am taking the same journey with my husband right now. The way Olivia writes is truly powerful and poetic. It has some references to Buddhism which I appreciated immensely. But some of you might not like that.

[Giannina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book arrived in perfect timing to help me understand the voyage I just started with my husband and dementia.
Gave me knowledge and serenity.
Strongly recommend it to anyone going through this unfortunately experience.

[Melinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought it was a great book

[Cheryl Walsh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finding meaning in the loss of the capacity to find meaning--the challenge for anyone whose life has been spent in the pursuit of meaning and who now faces Alzheimer's. The Hoblitzelles both put the study and practice of meditation at the center of their personal and professional lives. Olivia's memoir of Hob's final years includes many of the difficulties--the ten thousand sorrows--but the focus is more on the rewards of sharing, insight, and patience in the process of life--the ten thousand joys. It is a memoir of hope rather than despair, and valuable to caregivers of people with dementia, particularly those who are caring for a life partner. While my husband had a spiritual life and practice before his dementia diagnosis, he has not been able to keep it up. But he has found other, narrower, outlets, and this book has helped me see the joy in that as well as in the shared life we still have.

[Manya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful and unusual recounting of a conscious dying, written by Olivia Hoblitzelle as she lived through her husband's dying of Alzheimers. She tells of the travails of each of them as they lived through the six years of his illness, while at the same time communicating the transcendant joys of how they chose to live this time in the most conscious way possible. Hob was a brilliant man and senior Buddhist meditation teacher,ordained by Thich Nhat Hanh, and his capacity to share his awareness of what was happening to his mind and sense of self as the disease progressed is quite remarkable. Furthermore, as the skillful loving therapist and teacher that Olivia is, she shares practices, exercises, and seed thoughts for those readers who may be going through the same journey.

[Misty · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is taking the terror out of Alzheimers, as the author describes her journey through her husband's illness from a Buddhist perspective. She shows the reader how to meet the illness with love and interest, how to tread carefully and with awareness. The perspective is sometimes diametrically opposed to my own religious beliefs, but this is rare, and does not lessen the majesty of the book, or it's ability to instruct in love.

[Nancy Kriseman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Olivia articulates so beautifully, the joys and sorrows of walking the journey with a spouse who has Alzheimer's disease. What I found particularly helpful and refreshing, was the way she shared how a Buddhist approach can be so comforting and meaningful to the care recipient and caregiver. . Her story is such an inspiration for everyone who has to walk this path, in particular, spouses or partners. A must read!

[Ceci · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartwarming story of an Alzheimer's caregiver's journey. This book follows the author through the process of caring for her husband, Hob, after they make a pact at the time of his diagnosis, to make the experience of his illness an occasion for spiritual growth. Olivia Hoblitzelle, a fine writer and accomplished psychotherapist, brings to bear her personal experience, as well as Buddhist wisdom from her teachers on death and dying, in this lyrical memoir.

[Elizabeth R · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is particularly timely with my father's recent death and mother's impending death. A beautiful book offering wisdom through a devastating illness (Alzheimer's) and how to cope with the losses that come with it. Many of the meditations and spiritual wisdom are applicable for anyone dealing with loved ones' illness.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book for those caring for someone facing a long illness, whether Buddhist or not. I found it inspiring and wish my experiences of trying to help people had more in common with the author's. She found ways to stay with the experience and contain the suffering.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great resource for anyone providing care to someone with Alzheimer's. It provides the perspective of both the caregiver and the person that lives with it everyday. A significant part of the book is based on Buddhism principles which was also very interesting.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.3 good. A story of living with Alzheimer's; the loving couple had an beautiful relationship and a rich life. He developed Alzheimer's and his wife recorded the journey. Well written and included some guides for coping.

[Linda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Less a memoir, more a spiritual self-help guide. Probably useful and inspiring for someone dealing with Alzheimer's but definitely not my sort of book. My full review is here.

[T. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the couple in this book are Buddhist, their story is excellent reading for anyone dealing with Alzheimer's. It is also a great jumping off point for discussions with your spouse concerning death.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

thoughtful approach to caregiving from a Harvard Mind/Body Clinic researcher

[Nicki Hennessey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful, many things to think about when giving care to people with alzheimers.

[Heidi Haley-Franklin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Lots of great strategies in working with caregivers. Will definitely recommend to others and will use the book in my work!

[Pam · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought it would be more of a story....very sel-helpish

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Awesome book applying mindfulness to a hard journay

[Kate]

Recommended by Metta institute