Minnow Trap

by Brian Horeck

From the back "One summer, on a Northern Ontario Lake, three longtime fishing and hunting buddies stubble onto some strange, circular engravings up on a rocky plateau. The soon discover some bizarre and frisky little creatures caught in a minnow trap, in a remote beaver pond. It is only after a few more occurrences, that a Russian army officer convinces them that all of this is in fact extraterrestrial related, with similar events also occurring in Latvia. It quickly becomes an international dilemma,with a worldwide support team behind them. As the chaos erupts, they find themselves in a horrifying fight with other creatures. With only their individual skills and knowledge of their hunting area, can they rid the world of this hellish nightmare?"

Genres: Science Fiction

396 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Brian Horeck is a buisnessman living in Blind River, Ontario (Canada). Minnow Trap is his first novel and he plans to release others in the near future.

Reviews

[Jessica Armstrong · Rating 1 out of 5]

Horeck's book will make you enjoy every other book you've ever read or will read. It's so badly written, you will refer back to this book each time you dislike another book - and you will thus say something along the lines of "At least it's not as bad as Minnow Trap"

This is the worst book I've ever read. It reads like someone from 6th grade wrote a story for English class, purely based on speech between the characters.

I have to wonder if all the billboards were worth it.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

So last summer, I was driving from the GTA to Winnipeg - almost a full day of driving. There were parts of the trip that took us on roads that had no streetlights, no traffic signage, and were surrounded completely by trees. One thing that we saw over and over again, though, were several signs that simply said 'Minnow Trap', often with a picture of an alien head. By the 3rd or 4th time, we had to look it up -- it turns out these were advertisements for a book of the same name. When I got back, I ordered a couple copies on Amazon. My curiosity was piqued.

All I can say is... wow. This book was so bad. Like, so, so, so, SO bad. It truthfully deserves 1 star, but I was laughing my ass off at certain parts, so it was at least a 'so-bad-its-good' experience. Things were written in this that I couldn't believe a human being intent on creating a piece of entertainment for others would write.

If you really want an idea of what this book is like, the best way to convey the experience of reading Minnow Trap is to simply make a list of real things from this real book:

- Before the book even starts, Brian Horeck thanks Arnold Schwarzenegger

- The first chapter is more about ATVs and "hanky panky" contracts than any notable character traits or scene setting. For a couple paragraphs there are some alien lights though I guess.

[Actual Quote: As Mary rose from the comfort of the couch, Steve slid his hand under her robe. "Forget it dear. I want you to save your energy for digging up those ferns tomorrow morning." [...] "Lots of ferns equals lots of hanky-panky!"]

- Steve and Mary, our main characters, have a friend named Mike. Mike has a super-powerful telescope that he uses to spy on them. And not as a plot device -- the scene is literally a recap of the previous page.

[Actual Quote: "What's going on?" asked Carol, walking over to him. "It's Steve and Mary up there on the lookout. Steve's seen something on the ground that's interesting enough for Mary to take a break from her tanning." "Her tanning?" Carol nudged Mike aside to look through the telescope, which was focused on Mary's backside as she stood beside Steve up on the plateau.]

- Most of the book before the aliens is just drunken dinner parties and driving around on ATVs. Like, a lot of it.

- Actually, most of the book after the alien plot heats up is drunken dinner parties and driving around on ATVs too.

- The small minnow-like aliens are "frisky". We are reminded of this every. time. someone. describes one.

- If Brian knows anything, it's that the ladies LOVE ferns.

[Actual Quote: "Nice retirement gift you've got up there Steve," said Janis as she and the girls entered the gazebo. "And those ferns are something else."]

[Actual Quote: "It's sure nice getting this first batch of ferns in," said Mary, as she touched them while following Steve down the walkway towards the dock." ]

- About a quarter through the book, a Russian soldier gets dropped in the middle of Canada. He instantly becomes Steve's best friend for ???reasons???

[Actual Quote: "I think it's a good time for us to give thanks. Would you mind Steve?" Everyone bowed their heads. "O heavenly Father, we thank you for our health, this dinner, Nick, and for wisdom in dealing with those unearthly things around us. And we toast to you Lord, in Jesus' name, amen."]

- Lots of weird dick talk. As the men try to befriend Nick, they applaud his penis size, and when they talk to each other, they just talk about how small everyone's penis is. There's probably something to unpack there but I was too preoccupied trying to discern a single character trait for anyone other than Steve, Nick, Mary, and Brenda.

[Actual Quote: "That way, they'll appreciate us more," replied Bob. "Are you sure you want to take that chance Bob? I couldn't help but notice how small your thing was when you were changing!" teased Mike, as he and Steve chuckled. "What in the hell do you mean?" asked Bob. "With cold water like that you have to allow for shrinkage!" "Okay," responded Steve, as he patted Bob on the back. "We'll let you use that excuse this time!"]

[Actual Quote: "A Black Russian?" "I was going to offer one to Brenda, but I figured she's too preoccupied with a white Russian. And, you know what they say, once you go black, you never go back." Mike said as the others moaned. "I am sorry. I don't understand!" said Nick. "We'll explain that one to you later," said Bob. "It's a guy thing." "No, I woud say that it's more of a girl thing," said Brenda. She looked at Nick's puzzled face. "What they're referring to Nick, is that some girls think that size matters." Nick nodded with a partial smile. "Oh, now I get it!"]

- Steve and his friends are the aliens, I guess, because they don't understand our human humor.

[Actual Quote: "So why were all these logs put there?" "It was to hide them from berry pickers or hikers so they wouldn't show their find of Indian art work to some archaeologist and have this place closed down by the government as an Indian ceremonial ground or something like that." Nick gave a shout of laughter at this comment. It was Steve's turn to be confused. "What's so funny?" [...] "Steve you aren't going to believe this, but [...] if you and the boys did not fuck up their landing pad, I couldn't have escaped!" "Oh shit, that is funny!" [...] They hunched over with wild laughter at the bizarre coincidence.]

- The paragraph immediately after the one above is Mike and Bob (who are spying on Steve and Nick for ???reasons???) radioing the pair demanding to know "what in the hell is so funny". You better believe Brian Horeck makes us relive the 'joke'. Steve is still laughing.

- If you're not with me on how bizarre this book is yet, there is a full page that is basically an encyclopedia entry for 'loon'. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT.

[Actual Quote: "Yes. The red-throated loon only exists in the Canadian Yukon and Alaska. It is considerably smaller than your common loon. It has a red patch on the throat and red stripes running down the back of the head. But unlike your common loon's cry, it makes a quacking sound. Now, if you remember your history, Alaska was part of Russia until we sold it to the U.S. in 1867. It became an official state in 1959."]

- And it's not the only time. Steve sees his wife making him bacon in the kitchen and then explains what Canada's major exports are.

- At least everyone's obsession with ferns sort of pays off eventually. One gets bent and they use it to find the aliens' trail. Thank god for ferns.

- Nick, a Russian army officer, decides that the operation to save earth from aliens should be left in the hands of 7 drunken retirees. This culminates later in NICK GIVING STEVE A FUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER NO QUESTIONS ASKED

[Actual Quote: "Well ladies and gentlemen. After last night's episode, I think you guys would agree with me that we really have to pull up our socks and get serious. You've all had some time to see what we're dealing with here. And it's a privilege that the I.A.W. has granted me this much authority. I could have had all of you temporarily removed from this lake, and cordoned it off until this matter was over. But I chose to keep you guys on as the main players. Not only because you're good people and a lot of fun," he paused to chuckle before continuing. "Really, it was a combination of factors. Like how much you guys know the area and its history."]

- "Oh yes, I have that e-mail address for Mike. It is protectingyourass@alltimes.com." ???

-"Let's hope they didn't set up a universal website of the bestplanetstoinvadeinthisgalaxy.com," ?????????????????????????

- Steve is definitely Brian's self insert/Mary Sue. Everyone likes him, respects him and all of his opinions, thinks he's cool, allows him to read encyclopedia entries for everything and anything, and laughs at literally anything he says.

[Actual Quote: Bob patted Nick's shoulder. "Let me guess. You were young and dumb and full of cum, and you really thought you knew it all." "Ya, something like that," replied Nick with a smirk. "Ya, it was something like that all right." "But now he's old and bold and full of mold!" joked Steve, as they all laughed.]

- Standup Steve calls Canadian Tire 'Crappy Tire', and, surprise... everyone laughs.

- All-Knowing Steve tells the dum-dums over at the military to send away their helicopter, instead deciding that International Playboy Steve Rambo can do it on his own... they comply.

[Actual Quote: "So, how do they plan on doing that, Nick?" asked Steve. "By bringing in an Apache helicopter." "You've gotta be kidding Nick! There's no fuckin' way!" shouted Steve. "Don't they know? The heavy shock airwaves from their rotary blades alone would be enough to break that fragile beaver dam. Fuck that idea. I'll go in there alone and pop those fuckers off myself before I let some chopper jockey who can't even I.D. a beaver dam from a hole in the ground ruin everything. This is way too risky of a job for those kids."]

- The whole book was pretty dense with Jesus. So I was a little confused when Mike literally compared himself to Jesus.

[Actual Quote: "Well then. Let's have a toast to the Lord," said Mike holding his glass up high. [...] "I feel like I'm at the last supper, when Jesus raised his cup to his Father in heaven," said Bob. "Well, that was a little different. But in many senses we are entering this battle with the aliens for all out fellow man," said Steve. "You know, it's amazing how history has a way of repeating itself." Mike scratched his head.]

- "No sweetheart. They won't be handing us a Nobel Peace Prize for this event. And it won't be recorded in history. But one thing is for sure, we'll be able to look at ourselves in the mirror each morning and thank the Lord for what we have done here to make this planet a safer place to live. Our biggest acknowledgement will be from Him."

- When Mike and Carol CSI enhance the image on their computer enough to see the sticker on the back of a boat... from an aerial view.

- When the (supposedly) annoying Conservation Officer gets murdered by the super-aliens as karmic punishment for being mean to Steve Coolzo and his best bud Nick. He is the only one to die in the whole book, apart from Nick's army friend about 200 pages earlier.

- When Hi-Octane Steve rams the futuristic, technologically advanced spacecraft with his rad ATV and singlehandedly destroys it

[Actual Quote: "It took one for the team," Steve motioned to his quad. "And that thing you call a rocket launcher is a piece of shit!" he scoffed.]

-The book ends with Steve and the Pussycats eating the lobster-like claws of the vicious aliens roasted with butter at a big cookout. What?????? Are they stupid? This is a being from another planet, who knows what would happen if a human was to eat it? No one even mentions the possibility of it being a bad idea. Not to mention the fact that the government would proooooooobably want to take those corpses for examination.

[Hoody123 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible. He should have saved a bit of money from the road signs on the side of the highway and hired a grade 12 kid to edit it, would have been marginally more readable.

[Brad · Rating 1 out of 5]

Like the wind in Anguilla, Brian Horeck's Minnow Trap blows all the goats. All of those one star reviews you've seen are true, but oddly, I don't regret having read this boil on the bum of Canadian Literature.

I came to this book in the best possible way. Over the summer, my son and I were driving across our fair Canada to join the women in our lives in our new home in Winnipeg. It was a glorious drive, filled with stops to visit friends (some of whom are now our chosen family), a day of theatre in Stratford, and long hours listening to Fleetwood Mac along the highway through Northern Ontario. And every couple of hundred kilometres or so, we saw a billboard for the best selling book, Minnow Trap.

After another sign and another and another, with our curiousity piqued, Miloš caved and pulled out his phone. We just had to know what the hell this Minnow Trap was. And once we knew, we decided we simply had to buy it and read it.

There are too many things wrong with Minnow Trap to cover everything, and some of the other reviewers Minnow Trap have already delivered plenty of coverage to make a reader chuckle or groan (check out David's review and Jessica Armstrong's review; they're two of my faves), but I feel I have to point out the utter ridiculousness of a major plot point.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a fifty-something Canadian redneck out in the woods surrounding your lovely cabin on a pristine Canadian lake. You head on down to your well appointed shooting platform the morning after you find a new species of crustacean in your lake. As you reach the bottom of the ladder, a stream of piss hits you from above. You discover it is a Russian soldier who slept on your platform the night before. You brush off the urine, invite the soldier for coffee -- even though he is packing his weaponry and is in full camouflage -- and in short order he reveals to you that your crustacean is an alien lifeform and that more classic, bug-eyed aliens (seemingly crustacean farmers) dropped him off down by the beaver dam. You don't question it. You don't even take a second of pause. Nope, you and your wife and all your friends go all in, then the Russian makes you his strike force because you "know the area"; he takes over the operation completely; he has you reporting to the Russian government over the internet using personal e-mail accounts; he tells you that he is liaising with the Canadian government, but he offers no proof of that; he brings you a crate full of high tech weaponry, which you use on the creatures to "save the planet"; and you do all of this on the word of this Russian guy you only just met. Neither you nor your friends think even once about verifying his identity; you don't contact your own government; you don't contact the local constabulary; you don't even stop to wonder if the Russian guy has ulterior motives; you meet him and do exactly what he tells you. Baffling. Yet Brian Horeck sees nothing wrong with this concept. It all makes sense to him. I gotta shrug and give the old boy a golf clap for arrogant authorial stupidity, if nothing else.

Yet I do have to say something nice about this book. Well, I suppose it is really only nice-ish. Horeck has struck upon a truth in these pages. He has captured a very specific niche of Canadian citizenry. His group of friends -- Steve and Mary, Mike and Carol, Bob and Janice, and Brenda (Nick's Ukranian love interest) -- really exist here in Canada. I know folks like them. Hell, I have some relatives like them. The entitlement, the selfishness, the mechanized outdoorsiness, the sexual innuendo that goes nowhere, the beer swilling, the treating of nature as an object, the disdain for anything that limits their ability to do whatever they want, it is all present in Canada, all true, and Horeck gets his characterizations just right.

Now that I say that, though, perhaps his characterizations are the soil that fills in the massive plot hole Horeck dug. They really are the sort of people who would blindly help Russian Nick to slaughter mega-crustaceans without blinking an eye. Naah! (or should I have said NyaNya?!) that's still not enough of an excuse. The hole remains unfilled.

As for Miloš ... he hasn't read it yet -- only I -- but I have a feeling he won't feel compelled to read Minnow Trap until he's on that long road from Winnipeg back to PEI. I just hope that now that Brian Horeck has passed his signs won't have disappeared. They should stay in perpetuity. What a great addition to the Trans-Canada Highway. A testament to Canadian hubris.

[Jeff · Rating 1 out of 5]

Quite possibly the worst book ever written

[Elliot Caruso · Rating 5 out of 5]

Art

[Emily V · Rating 2 out of 5]

The story itself isn’t bad, keeps you wondering what is going to happen but the dialogue is just awful and cheesy. I couldn’t take it seriously. I also wasn’t a fan of how useless the women were portrayed to be in this book. The men got to be the ones out doing thins and the women got to make breakfast and ack too afraid to even look at photos. It’s almost like the author has never met a real life woman and thinks we’re all deer in the headlights and afraid of our own shadows. I did buy one and two together so here’s hoping the second one has some better writing.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I too was sucked in by the billboards heading down HWY 11 so when I found this in a Value Village I thought what the hell. At least I didn't pay full price.

This was terrible and I DNF. I couldn't keep the characters straight, the main character was an obvious self-insert and a jerk to boot. All Hail Steve the Mary-Sue who is the bestest, most funny, most sexy dude on the lake.

I teach ELA to high schoolers and honestly? I've read better described, more coherent, better plotted stories from them. If this were handed in to me it would be a fail for sure.

[Michael Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love a good train wreck, and that's exactly what this book is. It feels like a first draft in so many ways: the writing style, the characterization, and the horrid grammar and typos. The extended use of the exclamation mark was beyond baffling.

The male characters in this book are indistinguishable between one another, and constantly trying to 'one up' each other in how horrible they can be. The women in the book have no characterization outside of 'being married to so-in-so'. Each of their catchphrases could be "oh, that's my Tom!"

But I think the thing that was the biggest sin of this book is the major boomer energy. The book can be summed up with: There's an alien in one of our back ponds, but don't worry, we'll just fish, BBQ, drink and make fun of one another first.

The jokes and 'ribbing' between all the characters was so cringe humour that they some how actually became funny. The author definitely has a huge anal fixation with so many allusions to shitting and toilet humour.

After so many people have said how bad this book was, I was excited to read an absolute dumpster fire, and it did not disappoint.

[Smythers00]

Wow! This was painful to read. I mean, when was the last time you read a book and felt really embarrassed? Kind of like that time in grade or high school when your friend shoved their short story in your hands and asked you what you thought of it... and it was so completely and utterly terrible that you almost couldn't keep a straight face telling them it was great and they were really creative. I'm no book snob, and I certainly have nothing against Brian Horeck. But I would have to say that the literary mistakes made with this publication, coupled with the constant and blatantly obvious mugging to the Northern Ontario audience place this book squarely in that kind of "SUCKS GNARD!" category.

It is, however, a very good example of why the vanity press is held in disdain. I honestly encourage anyone to buy and read it (thus supporting Brian H.) just to see how bad it really is.

[Kaileigh Russell · Rating 1 out of 5]

****SOME SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW

I really wanted to enjoy this book living and growing up in Northern Ontario myself but I just couldn't get into this story.

I liked the overall concept of the plot but I found it really difficult to get invested in the writing style. Parts felt really fragmented and disjointed and parts just seemed like filler instead of actual story. The parts that I was looking forward to reading through (like descriptions of the alien creatures being seen for the first time) just lacked so much. The parts that would have really rounded out the story were rushed through and the parts of the plot that really didn't matter were drawn out.

Overall I was just expecting a lot more from this book. This is by no means a bad book, it's just not a book that I could get into and enjoy.

[Tom Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thank God it’s over.

This book was challenging to read. 90% of the book was horrible dialogue from indiscernible obnoxious characters. The main character, Steve, literally had a laugh track written in for most of his dialogue. Despite all the other characters finding him funny, I did not. But beyond the horrible writing, the story was just plain ridiculous and extremely boring. So unless you like reading about a group of uninteresting people hanging around at a cottage drinking beer, with the occasional UFO sighting, I’d avoid this book at all costs.

[T.R. Wallace · Rating 1 out of 5]

The basic story was a great concept and well might have been a good read had it not been for the other half of the books content being filled with sex and drinking. It is a 396 page book filled with 200 pages of useless filler. As a self published writer I have received my share of bad reviews, yet after reading this I know it is only because those readers never read this book. Thank God it was loaned to me and I didn't spend anything for such an ill arranged story.

[Catfantastic]

No stars whatsoever. This book is the worst book that I have ever read, so profoundly execrable that it runs around in a little circle and becomes delightful again. Every turn of the page offers the reader a fresh and stunning vista of epic fail.

[Jenna Harp · Rating 1 out of 5]

Read book because it was 'Canadian'... totally messed me up - apparently I wrote a fanfic for it, trashed it, it was found by my mother and I was 'grounded for five years'... I can't even remember it, other than I got in a heck ton of trouble.

[Troy Palmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Horeck delivers a fast paced unique alien invasion scenario that will keep the pages turning until the wee hours of the morning. A great Canadian horror/sci fi adventure, I hope Brian Horeck keeps churning out great books.

[Levi · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book was a beautifully written story with continuous servings of thriller, suspense, and action. The description of the creatures was a perfect mixture of terrifying and exhilarating. Overall, it contained material that was for a mature audience but made it even more interesting.

[Shawn Moss · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, I'm not too sure about everyone else, or why nobody liked it, but I found a lot of enjoyment in this book.

[Aud · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't finish it.

[Lee · Rating 1 out of 5]

At least I only borrowed it and didn't spend any money on it.

[Melissa Brabson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this.... But the writing felt like it was done by a 3rd grader. Jane likes cats, so Jane hugged the cat.

It was painful.... So no... Save yourself and just don't!

[Katie Woodstock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chaotic and unhinged…. I loved it

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm very happy for this guy RIP for following his dreams and becoming self-published and a northern Ontario legend via the billboard ads.

However, this book could have benefited immensely from having an edit. He clearly had someone who didn't know what they were doing beta read for him and get him to remove commas that actually should have been there. Typos and grammatical errors aside, the characters are insufferable sexist fools. The "girls" are relegated to shopping, kitchen duty and poorly flirting with their husbands. The plot is essentially ignored for 75% of the book so we can get updates on the main characters' barbecues and Steve's unfunny stupid jokes. The author fell into the amateur pitfall of the characters sitting around telling us about semi-interesting plot events, instead of them actually happening on the page. Then something would happen and the characters had to update each other through dialogue on the shit we just read. They did not have a believable reaction to aliens infesting their lake at all. They continued to boat, fish and even swim when not barbecuing. They hardly discussed the issue at all. Finally at the end Steve jumped to action like the machismo retiree he is who is slightly too interested in pee and poo. Thank goodness for him.

[Keith Winchester]

I have to admit; unlike several other lucky souls, I paid full price for this book. I was fooled by the summary on the back cover, which sounded like an interesting premise. Wow! Was I ever mistaken. It has to be the worst collection of drivel I have ever had the misfortune to cast my eyes upon. I could only get about a third of the way through before I threw it away in disgust. I wouldn't even give it to someone else because I didn't want to subject them to the nonsense contained within those pages. The characters were unreal; at least I hope so - I would never want to meet anyone like them; and the dialogue is ridiculous. If I ever talked to my wife like 'Steve' does, I would be single in an instant. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to this book. So I'm wondering now how he can afford the billboard advertising and how he could possibly justify to himself the need to write the second book, "Frozen Beneath"? I certainly won't be venturing anywhere near it. This is the definitive example of why some people should not self-publish.

[Mariah Shaaaawanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually enjoyed this book. I really liked the friendships between the men and their wives and the banter they all had. I live near the area this book was taken place in so it was awesome for me to read and easy to imagine the setting. I’ve been wanting to read this book forever!! Glad I finally got around to reading it. I wish the ending was a bit longer but it’s still a good ending in my opinion! Also I’ve been into aliens and UFOs lately so this was right up my alley👏👽

[Paul Goodman · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you ever saw a billboard in the north woods of Ontario that was advertising a book and then ordered said book you probably should have low standards. This is one of the worst written books I’ve ever read. Dr suess writes more engaging dialogue than this guy!
Also with almost no danger to anyone (one guy gets his thumb scratched) it’s a wonder that I even made it to the end.

[Lynne Page · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit I bought this book after seeing billboard signs in northern Ontario.

I expected very little of it. And so it did not let me down.

It was incredibly repetitious, but I light read. I give it three stars because I can't give it 2.5 but feel it deserves more than 2.

[Paul B · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed it. Cheesy but good if you have a good imagination and knowing the areas help. Ya the writing needed work, but practice makes perfect and he cranked out a couple other books before passing. I might force myself to read them just to see if it gets any better.

[Ollie Ander · Rating 1 out of 5]

I knew what I was going into and I was hoping to have enough good humour to at least give this 2 stars but.. it was all just cringey dialogue. I could excuse poor writing but the plot was so far and between with the useless talking, this was a DNF if I wasn't on a mission.

[Isabella · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was hard to read; it didn’t feel like a book, but like a poorly written script, with definitions thrown in right from Google. It’s advertised all throughout northern Ontario on billboards, which is why we bought it, but needless to say it is not worth the hype.