The Needs of the Dying: A Guide for Bringing Hope, Comfort, and Love to Life's Final Chapter – A Gentle and Honest Approach to Caregiving and Supporting Families with Peace

by David Kessler

"This book serves the needs of the person sitting by the bedside as much as it does the person who is lying in the bed. In it you will find gentleness and peace in the experience of death." — Marianne Williamson In gentle, compassionate language, The Needs of the Dying helps us through the last chapter of our lives. Author David Kessler has identified key areas of the need to be treated as a living human being, the need for hope, the need to express emotions, the need to participate in care, the need for honesty, the need for spirituality, and the need to be free of physical pain. Examining the physical and emotional experiences of life-challenging illnesses, Kessler provides a vocabulary for family members and for the dying that allows them to communicate with doctors, with hospital staff, and with one another, and—at a time when the right words are exceedingly difficult to find—he helps readers find a way to say good-bye. Using comforting and touching stories, he provides information to help us meet the needs of a loved one at this important time in our lives.

Genres: Death, Grief, Nonfiction, Psychology, Spirituality, Health, Self Help

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

David Kessler David Kessler is the world’s foremost expert on grief. His experience with thousands of people on the edge of life and death has taught him the secrets to living a fulfilled life, even after life’s tragedies. His new book is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He coauthored On Grief and Grieving and Life Lessons with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce or Death with Louise Hay. He is the author of Visions, Trips, and Crowded Rooms, and The Needs of the Dying, praised by Mother Teresa.

David’s work has been featured in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Business Week, and Life Magazine, and on CNN, Fox, NBC, PBS, and CBS. David has served on the Red Cross Aviation Disaster Team and has volunteed for decades as a Los Angeles Police Department Specialist Reserve Officer. He lectures for physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders and leads talks and retreats for those dealing with grief.

Reviews

[Lesley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend this book for all human beings. Give some thought to dying. Being with someone who is dying really is the most important thing you are ever going to do. You'll never be "prepared." But this book will give you insights on how to live-- the value of openness, honesty, emotional expression, trust and courage. And if you heed its lessons, now, in life, you will have no regrets when someone you love dies.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book giving practical instructions on how to deal with a loved one who is terminally ill or dying. Makes uncomfortable subjects very warm and approachable.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars.
I miss you, Dad.

[The Mortal Atheist Blog · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having worked for decades in hospice, palliative care, and bereavement circles, David Kessler has compiled a book for dying people and their caregivers. One broad takeaway from “The Needs of the Dying” is that what we desire in life, we also desire in dying: to be treated with dignity, to maintain our autonomy and authenticity, to have hope, to find peace, and to be surrounded by those we love. Above all, to feel like we are cared for and that we belong.

Accepting your mortality doesn’t mean that you want to die. Read that twice. Acceptance is not agreement. Acceptance is, rather, reconciliation. A reconciliation with our mortal reality – with the understanding that dying is not failing, that death is not defeat, that being finite doesn’t mean being broken.

“We live in a fix-it society with the technology to repair many broken things at our fingertips. We forget that we’ve all been deliberately designed to “end” one day. When that ending happens, there’s nothing to fix. . . This is not giving up, or giving in. It’s acceptance.”

Humans die. You cannot outrun this reality, but once you accept it, then you can get down to the business of living (and dying, and caregiving) with your eyes wide open.

[Tonya · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an urgent read for everyone. We can’t put off the inevitable and refusing to talk about it causes grave moral injury to all. We need to break the taboo and this book helps do that. May we one day be society where death is a sacred as birth, and those who are birthing themselves to the other side are given as much love and dignity as those with a birth plan. We will all be midwifing a loved one at the end of life. Let’s reframe it and make it as loving and holy as we make the beginning of life.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for all. I have post-its throughout the book, but the biggest takeaway for me was that people who are dying have a right to hope. It might be hoping for more time, for less pain, or to die the way they wish. Whatever the hope is, don't squash it. Their hope is not yours to take away.
Looking forward to reading Kessler's other books.

[Michale · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was an exercise in frustration. For example: when Kessler changed the original title of his book from The Rights of the Dying to The Needs of the Dying, he did not edit appropriately. So his text now reads that every patient has the "need" not to die alone. I agree that every patient has the right not to die alone, but the need? How many of us have seen patients who will not die in front of family members, but wait until they are alone to slip away? Kessler even recounts one of these stories, oblivious to the contradiction it embodies. Sometimes, his empathy shines through, only to be replaced on the next page by his desire to demonstrate that only he knows best how to speak with the dying and their families. I could provide many more examples, but, instead, I'll just return the book to the library.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW can't put this book down. David Kessler and Dr.Kubler-Ross have the answers to your questions about death and dying and how to help the dying. I recommend this book to everyone!

[Marlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to enhance my clinical practice as a medical social worker. I recommend it to anyone 'living or dying'! It is a simple read. David Kessler worked closely with Elizabeth Kubler Ross who is famed for her stages of grief and loss. He refers to her often in the book, she herself having suffered a stroke and dying in 2004. Some of the needs of the dying are... the need to be treated as a living human being. The need to have all questions answered honestly and fully. The need to express feelings and emotions about death in one's own way. The need not to die alone.
In my work I have had the privilege to sit with the dying at the end of their lives. I have supported families in their grief. I am blessed. This book will further support my practice. The cover features a quote from American Author, Marianne Williamson, "this book serves the needs of the person sitting by the bedside as much as it does the person who is lying in the bed. In it you will find gentleness and peace in the experience of death"

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by my minister because she knows how I have been struggling to provide the best care possible to my mother with terminal cancer. Unless you are in the medical profession we are not really trained or prepared to provide end of life care. This book is a must read for family members and friends caring for loved ones at the end of life. It would also be beneficial for medical professionals to read as well. I found the book deeply moving and useful. It gave me insight into what my mother may be going through. As my mother suffers from Aphasia due to a stroke during her brain surgery she in not able to communicate her needs, feelings, fears with us. For this reason this book was recommended to me and for this reason I found it extremely helpful. Reading about what other people feel and think at end of life and what they found helpful has given me direction in my caregiving. Thank you David Kessler for the writing this book.

[Sean Sexton · Rating 5 out of 5]

David Kessler worked directly for many years with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of the pivotal book "On Death and Dying". Kessler has carried on her work in teaching about the psychology of dying and being a champion for the needs of the dying.

This book is the rare title that is a must read for everyone. We will all die and most of us will at some point be closely connected to someone else as they go through the process of dying. The book talks about a core set of things that dying people need from us and that they have a right to. It's essential not only for people as they go through the process of terminal illness, but equally important for family and friends in knowing how best to support the person who is dying.

Kessler's book is an easy read, moving through the list of needs. As with many books of this type, he supplements his exposition with plenty of personal stories, drawn from his years of work with the dying.

[Jake Van Winkle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is probably closer to a 3.5*.

A broad and encompassing read that orients both the dying and their loved one’s to the needs of the dying - mainly hope, beliefs, and final wishes.

Although it’s full of useful concepts, I found it almost to vague at times. The needs of the dying are deeply personal, but examples in this book almost rely on oneself to populate it with deeper meaning and emotion. Suggestions of how one might feel take the place of deeper discussion of how to process those emotions and work through them.

[Heidi Hanley · Rating 4 out of 5]

For anyone who works with or supports people at end of life, this is a really good help! David Kessler has spent decades working with the dying and was a good friend and colleague of Elizabeth Kubler Ross. His experience, wisdom and teaching about supporting someone at end of life is invaluable. Some of this book is stories, some of it more practical, and both helpful. It also has a chapter on helping children through this sacred but often difficult times.

[Alli · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent guidebook for those who are dying or know someone who is dying. I read it because my younger brother is terminally ill, and I want to know as much as possible so that I can help him. This book has many real-life stories in it, and is very comforting and hopeful. It is very relevant, and helped me to know what to expect.

[Elaine Brandenburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a practical and insightful look into supporting those that are dying. It discusses what people will witness when their loved one is dying and how to honor your loved one in their final stage of life. It also emphasizes the importance of normalizing death and making it accessible to children instead of “shielding” them from it. I would recommend this book to anyone.

[Veronica Swan · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Birth is not a beginning, it is merely a continuation, and death is not an ending, it is also a continuation. Your body came and your body will go, merely the suit of clothes you wear in this lifetime, but spirit is indestructible, for it is energy - energy can neither be created nor destroyed: It was, it is, and it always will be.”

[Lilia · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.7 rounded up

A very readable book (ie not too full of specialized jargon) and informative. I think any one aging or assisting aging parents/friends/patients would benefit from reading this book. Written with compassion and a desire to help people through end-of-life care.

[Ruby Noise · Rating 5 out of 5]

A clear chronicle of what happens to the body and soul of one who is dying. A conversation that I am interested in, because no one skips this step of life.

[Sue Bolton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as part of my End of Life Doula course. Interesting, thought-provoking and appropriate for the course.

[Sonia Mercer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so helpful. It came into my life right when I needed it and helped me so much!

[Aryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book for any healthcare provider, including doctors, nurses, social workers, and chaplains.

[Suzanne Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommend for anyone. You will need this information at some point in your life. Don't wait for a loved one to become terminally ill. Prepare yourself now.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful book. Explains rights of the person, how to support them and what to expect leading up to death. Sad to need to read this but I am better prepared as a result.

[Rona Compton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful book that I think everyone should read.

[Carla Mitchell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential read

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Best advice - don’t be afraid to be the bad guy or squeaky wheel on your loved one’s behalf. It doesn’t matter if the doctor likes you. Advocate, advocate, advocate.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not a book I expected or wanted to be reading but let me tell it was good. Must read for anyone.

[Megan Uy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives excellent advice on preparing for death, your own or that of a loved one. It describes new ways of thinking (to me, anyway) about death and the kinds of comfort we may need. I had never given much thought to the pain that often accompanies dying and his approach to palliative care was eye-opening. However, now that I've attended his conference and read two of his books, I'm well-aware of how much of his own material he recycles. I can forgive him that, but it's pretty much my only reason for giving four (versus five) stars.

[Charlotte Falkner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beautiful, respectful, non-preachy book about an important subject we still don't talk about much. Should be required reading for everyone.

2024 updated review: I read this book again after reading dozens more grief books in the interim. I am puzzled by my rare 5-star rating two years ago. I still think it is a respectful, non-preachy book, but I wouldn't call it beautiful or required reading anymore.

I DO think if you've never, ever faced death or dying before this book would be very helpful to you.

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This a great book for anyone who is experiencing the end of the life of a loved one. It offers advice, explains the process of dying, and the author's experience with his many clients touches your heart.

Death is the end cycle of Life, something most of us don't talk about, or think about until it smacks us in the face. He talks of the stages of grief and the oh, so important message of dignity, and talking, and the simple gesture of simply holding hands.