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The Girl Within
Using the life stories of twenty women, psychologist Emily Hancock has identified a turning point in a women's life when a girl crystallizes a distinct and vital sense of self, which she then loses in the process of growing up, and tries to regain as an adult. A breakthrough book, this will change the way society views girls and women.
292 pages, Paperback
First published October 3, 1989
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About the author
Emily Hancock
2 books1 followerDr. Emily Hancock M.S.W. ED.E. is a psychologist and social worker associated with the Center for Psychological Studies in Albany, and is in private practice in Berkeley. She earned her doctorate in Human Development at Harvard University, where she began research for her book, "The Girl Within."
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
October 20, 2021
This book begins with the now well known thesis that girls are happy, content with who they are, and sure of their competence at about age 9. They then begin to be subjugated by family, society, social-friggin’-media, and their peers. This subjugation shouts that their changing bodies must conform to a completely ridiculous standard, their personalities to a sweet, more passive self, and (of course) that they must act less intelligent than their male counterparts, to be accepted. Many become obsessed with the idea of perfection. They begin to see themselves as Objects, no longer the Subjects they had been. This results in many, if not most, girls becoming a contrived self which many never recover from. This book’s theory is that as women we need to rediscover and bring back that “girl within”.
“...a woman must break the hold of the false self, often through rage, to revive the girl she’s buried in childhood.”
Carol Gilligan’s work, and the fantastic book Reviving Ophelia, have described this unfortunate change in girls as they begin to become women in our toxic societal milieu (and were the reason I sent my daughter to an all girl’s school - an excellent decision). This author selects a number of women who scored “mature” on psychological testing, and explores this concept. They were all women of privilege, and all had been taken down by societal expectations of their femininity at some point in their lives.
Existing theories of maturity:
“...tilt us towards separation, tracing a linear path toward the single end point of independence and suggesting clearly that independence is achieved alone.”
And this:
“...lockstep identity path that Ericson delineated suggests that only male identity can be built in a linear manner because only the boy’s development is consonant with a patriarchal culture whose institutions bolster an independent and continuous sense of self.”
She posits that women’s self definition of maturity is often defined by their relationship to others - getting married, having children. In reality, a woman’s “experience as a mother works against articulating an adult sense of self by demanding complete selflessness.”
Meanwhile, the “feminine” work they are assigned is not valued or rewarded:
“Thus women are simultaneously given the responsibility for nurturance and blamed when such nurturance falls short of perfection. Women accept the impossible responsibility and swallow the inevitable blame…”
One woman, a doctor, denied her Dream of doing something exceptional for the world:
“Ideals of femininity, especially the feminine imperative not to be selfish, limited her horizons: ‘I see the Dream as selfish…’”
She felt her husband’s need for recognition and definition through his work was more important than hers.
The author concludes that women need self defined goals:
“I had to make a purpose for my life that was just for me and just from me, one that wasn’t fulfilling somebody else’s needs. To do that, I started from nothing.”
Work they truly love: “Not choosing it myself meant that there was no fuel to keep it going...It takes a sense of self to do something"
And relationships:
“...authenticity ...is achieved through relationships of a particular sort - those free from subordination.”
An interesting tidbit reinforces what we already know: that “work” outside the home does nothing to diminish expectations of women’s domestic labour at home, in fact:
“working wives evidently spend even more time at domestic chores than their single counterparts - leading to the conclusion that having a husband adds to housework rather than reducing it.”
Slightly dated, and only about women with the time and privilege to Think About Their Lives, but quite good. Being contemporaneous with several of the women, I heard my own voice, making the same erroneous decisions they did, for many of the same reasons.
“...a woman must break the hold of the false self, often through rage, to revive the girl she’s buried in childhood.”
Carol Gilligan’s work, and the fantastic book Reviving Ophelia, have described this unfortunate change in girls as they begin to become women in our toxic societal milieu (and were the reason I sent my daughter to an all girl’s school - an excellent decision). This author selects a number of women who scored “mature” on psychological testing, and explores this concept. They were all women of privilege, and all had been taken down by societal expectations of their femininity at some point in their lives.
Existing theories of maturity:
“...tilt us towards separation, tracing a linear path toward the single end point of independence and suggesting clearly that independence is achieved alone.”
And this:
“...lockstep identity path that Ericson delineated suggests that only male identity can be built in a linear manner because only the boy’s development is consonant with a patriarchal culture whose institutions bolster an independent and continuous sense of self.”
She posits that women’s self definition of maturity is often defined by their relationship to others - getting married, having children. In reality, a woman’s “experience as a mother works against articulating an adult sense of self by demanding complete selflessness.”
Meanwhile, the “feminine” work they are assigned is not valued or rewarded:
“Thus women are simultaneously given the responsibility for nurturance and blamed when such nurturance falls short of perfection. Women accept the impossible responsibility and swallow the inevitable blame…”
One woman, a doctor, denied her Dream of doing something exceptional for the world:
“Ideals of femininity, especially the feminine imperative not to be selfish, limited her horizons: ‘I see the Dream as selfish…’”
She felt her husband’s need for recognition and definition through his work was more important than hers.
The author concludes that women need self defined goals:
“I had to make a purpose for my life that was just for me and just from me, one that wasn’t fulfilling somebody else’s needs. To do that, I started from nothing.”
Work they truly love: “Not choosing it myself meant that there was no fuel to keep it going...It takes a sense of self to do something"
And relationships:
“...authenticity ...is achieved through relationships of a particular sort - those free from subordination.”
An interesting tidbit reinforces what we already know: that “work” outside the home does nothing to diminish expectations of women’s domestic labour at home, in fact:
“working wives evidently spend even more time at domestic chores than their single counterparts - leading to the conclusion that having a husband adds to housework rather than reducing it.”
Slightly dated, and only about women with the time and privilege to Think About Their Lives, but quite good. Being contemporaneous with several of the women, I heard my own voice, making the same erroneous decisions they did, for many of the same reasons.
February 27, 2015
From Amazon's blurb: "Using the life stories of twenty women, psychologist Emily Hancock has identified a turning point in a women's life when a girl crystallizes a distinct and vital sense of self, which she then loses in the process of growing up, and tries to regain as an adult. A breakthrough book, this will change the way society views girls and women."
In Hancock's interpretation of the stories she points out that "too often the female personality comes to be lodged in an idealized feminine image rather than in the authentic identity a female possesses as a child." pg. 201
She also points out that while a boy develops in a linear manner with a consistent sense of self due to society's patriarchal culture, girls struggle to find individual identities since that does not support the traditional culture.
Once again a book points out that simply being a woman is both complex and conflicted. No wonder so many of us feel we are doing it wrong.
In Hancock's interpretation of the stories she points out that "too often the female personality comes to be lodged in an idealized feminine image rather than in the authentic identity a female possesses as a child." pg. 201
She also points out that while a boy develops in a linear manner with a consistent sense of self due to society's patriarchal culture, girls struggle to find individual identities since that does not support the traditional culture.
Once again a book points out that simply being a woman is both complex and conflicted. No wonder so many of us feel we are doing it wrong.
March 7, 2008
This book is based on the author's exploration of the "inner girl" all women have inside of them. Basically, the girl we are at ages 8-9 is our truest self, but it gets clouded over as we mature and concede to society's dictates and cultural expectations.
This book was interesting, but kind of slow. Also, I felt like it was kind of out-dated- I think it's at least 10 years old and the issues facing girls and women are constantly evolving and changing. The author did a great job making a thesis and psychological text into a readable book- as opposed to be being a long, boring textbook-like work.
This book was interesting, but kind of slow. Also, I felt like it was kind of out-dated- I think it's at least 10 years old and the issues facing girls and women are constantly evolving and changing. The author did a great job making a thesis and psychological text into a readable book- as opposed to be being a long, boring textbook-like work.
March 5, 2023
Still relevant even though it was written a while ago.
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January 15, 2010child psychology
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews