A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage

by Judith Sills

Where is this thing called love? And how do you get there from here? For many it's an elusive goal that's over even before it has a chance to start -- but it doesn't have to be. In A FINE ROMANCE, nationally recognized psychologist Dr. Judith Sills shows how the whole agonizing and exhilarating process of love actually develops between two people -- and how the rules of successful courtship can be learned and mastered.
Dr. Sills covers all the skills you need to develop the right relationship in the areas of intimacy, compromise, and commitment. She also takes you step-by-step through the five stages of a relationship:
* SELECTION -- when you actively or passively choose a partner.
* SEDUCTION -- the dating days when you and your partner decide if the relationship is romantic, platonic, or dead.
* SWITCH -- that uncomfortable period when the pursuer backs off just as the partner responds.
* NEGOTIATION -- when you both acknowledge your differences and try to find a decent way to fight about them.
* COMMITMENT -- the negotiation to marriage.
There is no one right person. There is only your ability to give and receive love. This book will help lovers learn how to do just that.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Reference

283 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1987

About the author

Media psychologist, keynoter and workplace consultant, Judith Sills, Ph.D, is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller, Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way, a clear guide to your own personality pitfalls and a road map for steering around those of your staff and colleagues. She is author of five other popular psychology books which have been translated into 11 languages and is a widely cited expert and nationally recognized consultant in the business of relationships.

Dr. Sills is the contributing editor for the workplace at Psychology Today, where she writes a regular column, which has been quoted in both The Wall Street Journal and the NY Times. In addition, her work has been cited in, among others, US News and World Report, Time, and The Washington Post, as well as on CNN and MSNBC. Dr. Sills is also a regular contributor to the TODAY SHOW, as well as a frequent guest expert on other national radio and television platforms.

A three year National Science Foundation Fellow, Judith Sills received her Ph.D. from the Graduate Faculty of the New School for Social Research in personality and social psychology. She is licensed in Pennsylvania, where she maintains a private consultation practice. From her base in Philadelphia, Dr. Sills travels nationally to address groups across a wide range of industries, teaching a sophisticated skills set with one aim: to make your work less work.

Reviews

[Kathrynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book! A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage has a little for all in it, including married or long-term relationships.

At first, I felt the author was too clinical. It felt like reading a textbook, but as I continued on to about page 90, I found the style shifting to more leisure reading material.

The main theme that the author stated throughout the entire book was Don't take it personally.
The chapters are divided, as follows:

1. Don't take it Personally
* Of course you're nervous
* The right person theory
* Your elegant circle of blame
* It's nothing personal
* Internal Drama of Courtship
* The Social Drama of Courtship

2. A Matter of Motive
* Ambivalence
* What's love got to do with it?
* Motivations of courtship
* Readiness: The Essential Ingredient

3. The Politics of Romance
* The stages of courtship
* Operating Principles
* Love and Fear: The Intimacy Problem
* Psychological Stuckpoints
* The Timing of Love

4. Pair-Shaped Tones: Coded Communications in Courtship
* Street smarts of love
* Cracking the code
* Simultaneous Translation
* Recognizing your deaf spots
* Honesty Games
* The language of love at first sight

5. Selection Anxiety
* Consumer Mentality
* The magic of chemistry
* Where to I go to meet?
* The selection sequence
* Fear of rejection
* Make is safe to take a risk

6. Pursuit
* Seduction
* The first four dates
* The sexual watershed
* Sexual Anxiety
* Turning on to sex
* Seduction Tactics
* Playing hard to get
* Accommodation
* Love tests
* more...

* The Switch
* Hooked
* Retreat or Stalemate?
* Fear of Entrapment
* Handling your partner's switch
* Your best response to the switch
* What makes it so hard to back off?

7. Finally, A Relationship
* Negotiation: The Intersection of Power, Love, and Real Life
* Commitment
* The spirit of the structure
* Happily Ever After: The Plateau

* Negotiation
* Falling in love with fantasy
* The sea change of intimacy
* Overcoming the anger taboo
* Guide to negotiation
* Arenas of conflict
* Expectations
* Personal flaws
* Family and friends
* How much is too much

* Commitment
* Realities of the decision
* Getting married vs being married
* Not sure, not ready, not interested: Fear of commitment
* Don't take no for an answer
* Convince, don't insist
* The ultimatum
* Marriage without commitment
* Commitment without marriage
* On being engaged
* more....

8. Going all the way
* The myth of the right person
* The myth of romantic love
* The myth of knowing
* The payoff of work
* Someone to love

[Rachel Nabors · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hand this to a lot of my guy friends struggling with love. If you think you're "just really picky," READ IT. Life changing!

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

ok so i haven't finished this book yet, but i give it 5 stars based on the first three chapters. i was just discussing with someone the other day that i wouldn't know if i was even in a "normal" relationship, and then i found this book at a thrift store which outlines the stages and troubles of relationships. i'm lucky this book found its way into my head :)

[Rae · Rating 2 out of 5]

Based on the author's sixteen years of experience as a psychotherapist and a teacher, this book shows that becoming a couple is a matter of gradually unfolding in a series of predictable stages and she offers a clear and useful map to follow the process.

[Kathryn Lord · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. I regularly suggest it to my clients, once they have met someone and are dating. Sills clearly describes the stages of courtship. She does particularly well with anxiety, how to recognize it and handle it.

[Joe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another great read about relationship. The interaction between couples is disected for all of its pleasantries and road sighs as well. If you want to learn about what you need to be doing and how to proceed in the process from meet to marriage, this is it.

[Cameron · Rating 5 out of 5]

My older sister recommended this book to me years ago well before I was ever ready for romance. It has saved my sanity and my relationship a million times. I've made all my friends read it (even my poor boyfriend has had to hear excerpts). This should be required reading for all singles.

[Fran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definite must read if you're looking to make the most of your life!!!

[Dee Flowers · Rating 4 out of 5]

some great insights. Stuff I never thought about.

[Gynnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The perfect book for a single young adult female to read before going out on the prowl or on a blind date or accepting a date from a new encounter.

[The · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great.

[Juliana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book probably a dozen times since it's publication in 1987. I've turned to it again and again and it has never been wrong.

[Bunnytheo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic comedy!

[Cecilia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book! I felt like I was reading about my life. This gave me some new perspective on dating and relationships! Highly recommend it!