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Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back
There’s a reason the media has dubbed matchmaker Rachel Greenwald as “The Wife Maker.” Yes, she’s responsible for over 750 marriages, but more importantly, she has solved perhaps the biggest dating mystery of all when you finally meet Mr. Right (or even Mr. Potential), what really compels him to call back (or not) after a date? Armed with her Harvard MBA, Rachel embarked on a fascinating ten-year research project to decipher this puzzle. In Have Him at Hello, she applies her business savvy to the dating world by conducting in-depth “exit interviews” with 1,000 single men, asking why they called back one woman, but not another. By refusing to accept the post-date brush-off like “There wasn’t any chemistry…” or the excited, but equally vague evening recap, “We hit it off!” Rachel extracted unabashedly honest and raw details. It turns out there are clear, tangible, consistent reasons why marriage-minded men either fall for you or disappear. The surprising “Top 5 Date Makers” and “Top 10 Date Breakers” revealed in this book can actually change your fate when Mr. Right finally comes along. Rachel’s goal isn’t for you to pretend to be someone you’re not, but rather to keep the ball in your court. By using her innovative research and tips as a guide, more men will ask to see you again ; then you can do the selecting, rather than wondering if they’ll call. Because information is power, this book will make your first hello a lasting one.From the Trade Paperback edition.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2010
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892 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
June 5, 2013
This book will pretty much make you fully realize that books like these work on crippling women to "catch a man". It also painted men as high strung, fickle idiots who have a whole generation of women pandering to their whims. While I do agree with Mrs. Greenwald's premise of having a third party inquire about what went right / wrong on a date to gain closure, I really don't accept a lot of the answers given. A woman can be powerful, but not too powerful? Men want women who just "happen" to have a career? Men are fragile creatures that can never see a female's true emotional variance, least they be scared and run away to the next docile creature they see?
Have your testicles descended yet?
A lot of the advice is lengthy common sense. Example: Don't tell your whole life story on the first date. Don't talk excessively about your ex boyfriend on a first date. However, the methodology presented is akin to a similar problem I realized in "Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate" by Patti Stanger: Be yourself, but don't do a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h or i. Because he won't like it? Kick rocks.
Some people marry the person they meet right after you. Would you really want to be married to a person that didn't want to be with you, just to prove to a society that someone else deems you worthy to marry? Where are the books that teach men how to be men in a society that markets a majority of them into sex crazed, short term relationship seeking idiots playing XBox all day, looking at porn, loving their bros and smoking weed? And I, as a part of the dating population, are supposed to settle for that?
I think this book successfully convinced me that I'm done reading relationship books. Mrs. Greenwald wrote a great book for those that are in your early 20s and are looking for a newer version of "The Rules". But, as for me....... I've read better, lived better and am done with "the pandering to men for marriage" dating culture.
Have your testicles descended yet?
A lot of the advice is lengthy common sense. Example: Don't tell your whole life story on the first date. Don't talk excessively about your ex boyfriend on a first date. However, the methodology presented is akin to a similar problem I realized in "Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate" by Patti Stanger: Be yourself, but don't do a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h or i. Because he won't like it? Kick rocks.
Some people marry the person they meet right after you. Would you really want to be married to a person that didn't want to be with you, just to prove to a society that someone else deems you worthy to marry? Where are the books that teach men how to be men in a society that markets a majority of them into sex crazed, short term relationship seeking idiots playing XBox all day, looking at porn, loving their bros and smoking weed? And I, as a part of the dating population, are supposed to settle for that?
I think this book successfully convinced me that I'm done reading relationship books. Mrs. Greenwald wrote a great book for those that are in your early 20s and are looking for a newer version of "The Rules". But, as for me....... I've read better, lived better and am done with "the pandering to men for marriage" dating culture.
February 13, 2012
Ugh! Took awhile to read this. There are some valid points and some good suggestions but it also sounded like there was a lot of game playing, some really silly, opinionated men and people who for whatever reason just weren't meant to connect. Read it if you must but don't expect to walk away with alot of information.
April 16, 2015
Had him at hello ,Very practical advice and useful info about the dating world
Rachel greenwald used a creative approach called "Exit interviews" ,as a matchmaker she called men and asked them why they rejected someone and not called her again ,she collected more than 1,000 confessions from men that make or break the date
The book is a great insight about the way man think and see women ,what makes him more interested to pursue you or what could repel him not to call ever again after just the first date
The reasons are really eye-opening and surprising as women could seem clueless about them ,Rachel suggests changing some of your behaviors or attitudes on a first date until that person knows you better ,some might see that as pretending or being someone you are not but it is really about showing your best self First and your imperfections later becoz you want to attract not to repulse
I recommend this book for all single ladies ,I really enjoyed reading it .information is power :)
Rachel greenwald used a creative approach called "Exit interviews" ,as a matchmaker she called men and asked them why they rejected someone and not called her again ,she collected more than 1,000 confessions from men that make or break the date
The book is a great insight about the way man think and see women ,what makes him more interested to pursue you or what could repel him not to call ever again after just the first date
The reasons are really eye-opening and surprising as women could seem clueless about them ,Rachel suggests changing some of your behaviors or attitudes on a first date until that person knows you better ,some might see that as pretending or being someone you are not but it is really about showing your best self First and your imperfections later becoz you want to attract not to repulse
I recommend this book for all single ladies ,I really enjoyed reading it .information is power :)
July 18, 2014
She's telling it like it is in the 21st century dating world. Can't fault her for that. Of course, she's a professional dating coach/matchmaker so she has her "make or break" 1st dating to-do's and don'ts'. I recognize traits in myself within the 16+ negative stereotypes men (mis)perceive in women that keep him from asking for a second. All women would. If she (and the men she interviewed) makes it sound like men are picky, it's because they are. They can afford to be--as of 2008, I think, there were 20 million more single women than men in the US.
And that's what makes me sad while reading this; women have been and will always be at a disadvantage as regards dating, but in other aspects of life, too. Yes, we've much freedom that women in Africa, the Middle East, and Egypt lack. I'm not comparing our situation to the deplorable treatment of women in other parts of the world. I'm just saying we've come "all this way" and still have to "tweak," tone down, dress more femininely , edit our actions, gestures, words, and personalities (of course, most people do much of this automatically each day during encounters with other humans, but I'd file that under basic good manners and respect for the feelings of others--I know it doesn't sound like a difference but there is) to peak a man's interest enough for a second date (if you want it).
That being said, I made notes about traits that could put men off me and the "tweaks" to use in bettering my chances of getting a call-back. See, it seems desperate. And I'm not desperate; I'm not. As a person who needs to be around people, I'm alone too much and often lonely. I thrive around others. And the reasons behind this and resulting behavior that scares off men go deeper than being "desperate."
Anyways, I'm thrilled that It's Not You is waiting for me at the library. I've carried and tossed out a lot of baggage already; excuse the lack of excitement to be the one responsible for carrying all the blame for a "bad" first date, too.
And that's what makes me sad while reading this; women have been and will always be at a disadvantage as regards dating, but in other aspects of life, too. Yes, we've much freedom that women in Africa, the Middle East, and Egypt lack. I'm not comparing our situation to the deplorable treatment of women in other parts of the world. I'm just saying we've come "all this way" and still have to "tweak," tone down, dress more femininely , edit our actions, gestures, words, and personalities (of course, most people do much of this automatically each day during encounters with other humans, but I'd file that under basic good manners and respect for the feelings of others--I know it doesn't sound like a difference but there is) to peak a man's interest enough for a second date (if you want it).
That being said, I made notes about traits that could put men off me and the "tweaks" to use in bettering my chances of getting a call-back. See, it seems desperate. And I'm not desperate; I'm not. As a person who needs to be around people, I'm alone too much and often lonely. I thrive around others. And the reasons behind this and resulting behavior that scares off men go deeper than being "desperate."
Anyways, I'm thrilled that It's Not You is waiting for me at the library. I've carried and tossed out a lot of baggage already; excuse the lack of excitement to be the one responsible for carrying all the blame for a "bad" first date, too.
August 14, 2013
Take what you want from this and leave the rest....
February 21, 2018
After several failed attempts at dating, I chose this book. I figured if nothing else, I'd learn what not to do. I'll admit, I had never thought the purpose of the first date is to get another but as I read on, it made sense. I especially liked the questions at the end. It gave the reader a chance to answer yes/no and based on those responses advice given. There were moments while reading this book that I shrugged and did my whole finger wag 'if he don't love me the way I am' thing but after finishing and thinking some more about it, I agree with Rachel - the purpose isn't to hide who I really am but to allow someone to get to know me in smaller increments.
April 25, 2021
Brilliant.Superb!
Very good advice,that can help make women appear decent and interesting on dates.The author seems to have worked really hard in collecting the information and presenting it.
The information is VERY well presented and thus easy to follow.
If you are single woman struggling to find a mate,please read this book.Even if you don't go on traditional dates you still need to read it.
Do NOT skip it.
Very good advice,that can help make women appear decent and interesting on dates.The author seems to have worked really hard in collecting the information and presenting it.
The information is VERY well presented and thus easy to follow.
If you are single woman struggling to find a mate,please read this book.Even if you don't go on traditional dates you still need to read it.
Do NOT skip it.
May 30, 2022
This book had some good insightful advice. Especially on what not to do. Its very honest about the fact that the point of dating is to keep the ball in your court i.e be in the position where they want a second date and you get to choose yes/no rather than you be the one rejected. My only minus point is that it was premised to be a fun read for chickas, but it ended up being a relatively serious book.
November 17, 2019
Pretty good
It’s been a good read but I don’t think it does reflect the reality of today. When you think that the exit interviews have been conducted in 1998, I feel like 30% of this is still accurate today.
It’s been a good read but I don’t think it does reflect the reality of today. When you think that the exit interviews have been conducted in 1998, I feel like 30% of this is still accurate today.
September 3, 2018
Great advice! Shed light on some of my possible missteps on past first dates.
September 22, 2018
I found simple advice from this, not really that unique. I think I learn just as much talking to my male friends.
November 4, 2024
Met my husband thanks to the mindset illustrated in this book.
April 21, 2015
I picked up this book because it looked like it would be rich in data and personal interviews. I was hoping it would be more about the psychology of instant connection, or why two people find that they are right for each other. I also hoped it would push readers to know what is unique about themselves and how people connect and be able to utilize and "sell" these parts of themselves better on first dates. It is none of these things.
Rachel Greenwald obviously has a lot of experience as a matchmaker and, if anything, this book worked to convince me that (if I had any desire to) I could hire her and get accurate insight into how I come across on first dates. Without her help, however, it reads as a pretty generic list of insights from men who reject women and who she often scoffs at and admits her clients probably shouldn't have dated anyways. The audience she is selling to is very specific - women who frequently don't get called back after first dates when they thought they enjoyed themselves. It therefore ignores every other aspect of a relationship including whether getting more call backs after a first date is even desirable.
This whole book sells the idea that first impressions shouldn't be entirely authentic, but rather, like in an interview, should be about putting your best self forward. This is fine in theory. I agree with her repeated assurance that revealing something unfavorable about yourself on a first date is very different than revealing something later on down the line. After all, as a woman, when all I know about that man a is that man a is a slob but I know that man b is sincere, generous, has many of my same values and is messy, I would probably be much more forgiving towards man b. However, Mrs Greenwald ignores the possible long term consequences of this kind of decision. She uses herself as an example twice. The first time, she talks about a date in which she she talked way too much about diet Dr Pepper and turned a potential guy off without allowing him to see all her other great qualities. However, much later she sweetly mentions the fact that the thing that her husband found so intriguing/adorable/funny about her on their first date was her quirky love for the very same Diet Dr P. If I meet man a and find out, after many dates, that he's handsome, generous, sincere, stable, sweet, loving, BUT never wants kids, is it really better that I am more likely to continue a relationship with him because he held out this very important fact? Would Mrs Greenwald really want to be with someone who, in the long term found her quirk strange and annoying rather than finding it funny and cute right away? Her particular focus on first impressions isn't helpful for understanding why relationships work or don't work, only why you might not attract certain people after a first date. It may help you make your net wider in your search, but it does nothing to help you narrow it down.
Furthermore, many of the traits she lists as unappealing first date behavior I couldn't relate to and are pretty common knowledge (or widely sold) in the self-help genre. She concludes that men like nurturing, feminine, not bossy women. She doesn't go so far as to say we should eliminate these things from our personality - she describes herself as both happily married and also sometimes bossy and controlling. She just encourages women to let men get to know the more well-rounded versions of themselves.
Rachel Greenwald obviously has a lot of experience as a matchmaker and, if anything, this book worked to convince me that (if I had any desire to) I could hire her and get accurate insight into how I come across on first dates. Without her help, however, it reads as a pretty generic list of insights from men who reject women and who she often scoffs at and admits her clients probably shouldn't have dated anyways. The audience she is selling to is very specific - women who frequently don't get called back after first dates when they thought they enjoyed themselves. It therefore ignores every other aspect of a relationship including whether getting more call backs after a first date is even desirable.
This whole book sells the idea that first impressions shouldn't be entirely authentic, but rather, like in an interview, should be about putting your best self forward. This is fine in theory. I agree with her repeated assurance that revealing something unfavorable about yourself on a first date is very different than revealing something later on down the line. After all, as a woman, when all I know about that man a is that man a is a slob but I know that man b is sincere, generous, has many of my same values and is messy, I would probably be much more forgiving towards man b. However, Mrs Greenwald ignores the possible long term consequences of this kind of decision. She uses herself as an example twice. The first time, she talks about a date in which she she talked way too much about diet Dr Pepper and turned a potential guy off without allowing him to see all her other great qualities. However, much later she sweetly mentions the fact that the thing that her husband found so intriguing/adorable/funny about her on their first date was her quirky love for the very same Diet Dr P. If I meet man a and find out, after many dates, that he's handsome, generous, sincere, stable, sweet, loving, BUT never wants kids, is it really better that I am more likely to continue a relationship with him because he held out this very important fact? Would Mrs Greenwald really want to be with someone who, in the long term found her quirk strange and annoying rather than finding it funny and cute right away? Her particular focus on first impressions isn't helpful for understanding why relationships work or don't work, only why you might not attract certain people after a first date. It may help you make your net wider in your search, but it does nothing to help you narrow it down.
Furthermore, many of the traits she lists as unappealing first date behavior I couldn't relate to and are pretty common knowledge (or widely sold) in the self-help genre. She concludes that men like nurturing, feminine, not bossy women. She doesn't go so far as to say we should eliminate these things from our personality - she describes herself as both happily married and also sometimes bossy and controlling. She just encourages women to let men get to know the more well-rounded versions of themselves.
February 6, 2011
I was very antsy reading through the date-breakers, waiting to get to the ones I could relate to.
Top 10 Date-Breakers
1) The Boss Lady- argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing
2) The Blahs - lack of enthusiasm, just plain boring, no opinion, failing the tester kiss, sporty girl (>>20 creative questions to ask your date)
3) The Bait & Switcher - lies and lack of self-awareness, unmet expectations, Cyrano de Bergerac, beer goggles >> sell but don't oversell, be more precise, put a positive spin on it
4) The Park Avenue Princess - the money detective, high-maintenance, self-centered, can't afford you, lacking appreciation >> stop asking, show sincere appreciation
5) The Closer - interview mode, static cling, too intense too soon, talking about babies/kids
6) The Flasher - physical baggage, emotional baggage, alarm bells (family drama, crime records, children with handicaps), quirks and controversies >> keep first dates short and active (not a lot of talking), define your issue and avoid topics that will bring it up
7) The Bitch-in-Boots - rude to your date or a third party >> lose the tone, admit your mistake, reschedule dates if you are having a "bad day"
8) The Debbie Downer - complaints, cynicism, pessimism, nonverbal messages (posture, clothing)
9) The Ex-Factor - obvious or subtle mentions, proxy mentions >> use one-for-one mentions
10) The One-Way Street
Top 10 Date-Breakers
1) The Boss Lady- argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing
2) The Blahs - lack of enthusiasm, just plain boring, no opinion, failing the tester kiss, sporty girl (>>20 creative questions to ask your date)
3) The Bait & Switcher - lies and lack of self-awareness, unmet expectations, Cyrano de Bergerac, beer goggles >> sell but don't oversell, be more precise, put a positive spin on it
4) The Park Avenue Princess - the money detective, high-maintenance, self-centered, can't afford you, lacking appreciation >> stop asking, show sincere appreciation
5) The Closer - interview mode, static cling, too intense too soon, talking about babies/kids
6) The Flasher - physical baggage, emotional baggage, alarm bells (family drama, crime records, children with handicaps), quirks and controversies >> keep first dates short and active (not a lot of talking), define your issue and avoid topics that will bring it up
7) The Bitch-in-Boots - rude to your date or a third party >> lose the tone, admit your mistake, reschedule dates if you are having a "bad day"
8) The Debbie Downer - complaints, cynicism, pessimism, nonverbal messages (posture, clothing)
9) The Ex-Factor - obvious or subtle mentions, proxy mentions >> use one-for-one mentions
10) The One-Way Street
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 9, 2015
This was a quick easy read and I think it can help women reflect on the first impressions they may be giving off. I do think the author has a point about the purpose of the first date being to lead to a second date. You can't get to know someone the first time you go out with them, so it's better to have the option to see them again if you want it.
However, I found this book made it seem like women had to desperately mold themselves to be what men wanted. At times, this was impossible. Something that would be positive for one kind of woman would be negative for another. Of course, men also have their own preferences.
A person could become absolutely neurotic by trying to follow all of these rules. The chapter on "the flasher" had me at a loss for what you can possibly talk about on a first date when anything slightly personal seems to be off-limits.
Lastly, this book stuck too rigidly to gender roles. I do not agree that the guy should be the one to initiate the second date and the girl can never make a reference to something in the future. It just doesn't make sense.
Overall, the Exit Interview strategy would be great if you have your own matchmaker, but reading a book won't give anyone the knowledge of why their relationships aren't working out.
However, I found this book made it seem like women had to desperately mold themselves to be what men wanted. At times, this was impossible. Something that would be positive for one kind of woman would be negative for another. Of course, men also have their own preferences.
A person could become absolutely neurotic by trying to follow all of these rules. The chapter on "the flasher" had me at a loss for what you can possibly talk about on a first date when anything slightly personal seems to be off-limits.
Lastly, this book stuck too rigidly to gender roles. I do not agree that the guy should be the one to initiate the second date and the girl can never make a reference to something in the future. It just doesn't make sense.
Overall, the Exit Interview strategy would be great if you have your own matchmaker, but reading a book won't give anyone the knowledge of why their relationships aren't working out.
July 20, 2014
Oh, how I hate this genre and this type of book. However, I'm in that stage of life where everyone feels compelled to lend me their dating self-help books. Ugh. So I read them knowing I'm certainly not too good for professional advice and certainly not exempt from dating problems. But I am certainly too self-respecting to advertise that I'm reading it. I did laugh a few times, and I will admit it is as practical approach as could be out there to narrowing down reasons you're not asked a second time. I learned from this book for sure. However, I have never online dated, done a blind date, etc. I've always known the guys I went out with: hence, I have never had to figure out how to get to know someone on a date. I much prefer the traditional approach of knowing each other, getting to have some interest and/or going to to determine whether further interest is there. Too bad that way is dead in the water. As I said, a very practical approach - so online daters, set-up daters, and blind daters...knock yourselves out! This will give you a run for the money.
September 18, 2013
Interesting feedback from mostly men regarding dating; what they liked and why they didn't continue dating a woman they were attracted to and maybe even liked. Some of the reasons given could have been corrected with communication, but the men never did this. Some of the things that men didn't like were quirks that someone else may find cute. Some men were just jerks, but this was a minority.
There's also a chapter on the women's reasons they didn't continue dating men. Reasons like hygiene, too eager, cheap, and not a gentleman, just to name a few.
Some of the reasons men didn't call for second dates were: too bossy, not what they portrayed, not feminine, (anyone seeing a theme here?), not intriguing, just to name a few.
It's a really quick read and shows where the communication break down is and as an average whole, what each gender is wanting in the opposite sex.
There's also a chapter on the women's reasons they didn't continue dating men. Reasons like hygiene, too eager, cheap, and not a gentleman, just to name a few.
Some of the reasons men didn't call for second dates were: too bossy, not what they portrayed, not feminine, (anyone seeing a theme here?), not intriguing, just to name a few.
It's a really quick read and shows where the communication break down is and as an average whole, what each gender is wanting in the opposite sex.
May 23, 2013
There were some interesting points to consider but it was a lot of material that wasn't really useful to me. I found it encouraging to hear that mostly men want a 'nice' person for long-term relationships, which maybe sounds obvious but nevertheless is good to remember. Not exactly a must-read, but there were some valid points to consider about stereotypes during the first date, and how to prevent them from forming.
February 5, 2017
The book all depends on your expectations and what you hope to get out of it. For me, I was interested in the topic and curious to find out results of her research, instead of looking for fast dating tips I can apply right away. It was an interesting read, but a lot of the advice doesn't apply to all scenarios (just like most advice). The author acknowledged this point and simply communicated the common dating patterns and tendencies among men and women.
June 6, 2014
As a recently separated woman looking to start dating again, this was an interesting account of what to do and not to do when on a first date . Lots of fun! I'm keeping it close to review some key parts once in a while :)
December 1, 2013
Interesting...worth the read
August 9, 2016
Despite the cheesy title and lots of pink on the cover, this was actually a great (and informative!) read! I recommend it to all the ladies. (And pray no one ever finds out I read it! :P )
August 26, 2014
Interesting because of her research but it lacked depth.
March 5, 2013
This book is more appropriate for women who are having trouble dating and want to improve.
December 20, 2013
I got a few chuckles but no real insights.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews