But Inside I'm Screaming

by Elizabeth Flock

Isabel Murphy has it all, but when she freezes on air while reporting on the death of Princess Diana, it is clear her life is not as it appears to viewers. With the television network furious and knowing she's let everyone down, she attempts suicide and ends up in a psychiatric facility. With persistence, her therapists begin to help her examine the source of her pain and unhappiness. this is a raw and honest look at a woman's journey of survival--based on the author's own life.

Genres: Fiction, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Contemporary, Adult Fiction, Chick Lit

316 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2003

About the author

Former print journalist Elizabeth Flock reported for TIME and PEOPLE magazines before becoming an on-air correspondent for CBS News. Her acclaimed debut novel, BUT INSIDE I'M SCREAMING, chronically the psychological struggles of a young television reporter in New York, was released in 2003. Her second novel, ME & EMMA, became a New York Times bestseller and was an Indiebound (formerly Booksense) Notable Book of 2005. EVERYTHING MUST GO, Elizabeth's third novel, loosely based on a clothing store in Connecticut, was published in 2007. Elizabeth's books have been translated into seven languages and published in twelve countries.
Her fourth novel, SLEEPWALKING IN DAYLIGHT, came out in 2009, and was chosen as an Indie Next List (formerly Booksense) title. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SISTER, a follow-up to ME & EMMA, will be published by Random House on August 7, 2012.
Elizabeth Flock lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Val Penny · Rating 5 out of 5]

But Inside I'm Screaming by Elizabeth Flock was a really good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly, although perhaps it is not a book to be enjoyed. It is possibly more accurate to say that I connected with the book.

The main character is Isabel Murphy who is a successful international broadcast journalist, loving wife, perfect daughter but suicidal human. She freezes up on national television while trying to cover the breaking news of car crash in which Princess Diana died. Following this, Isabel finds herself at Three Breezes, a four-star psychiatric hospital nicknamed the "nut hut," where she begins the painful process of recovering from her mental breakdown to retrieve the life everyone thought she had. However, she has no idea why she is there. It might be because of her two suicide attempts or her meltdown on live TV. The point is, she is not like any of the other patients. They are seriously crazy. She wants to be released so she can leave and kill herself.


The author's writing style is lovely. It is honest and, at times, extremely painful. The chapters alternate to tell of time in the present at Three Breezes and a moment from Isabel's past that has led her to the hospital. The group therapy sessions are sometimes horrifying, but can also be morbidly amusing.

Accepting her place among her fellow patients proves difficult, and Isabel struggles to reconcile the fact that she is one of them. She faces the reality that in order to mend her painfully fractured life she must rely on herself. She realises she must also accept an imperfect life in a world that demands perfection. Isabel is forced through a series of treatments that she rebels against, but slowly she faces the issues in her life that have taken over.

As the reader, I sometimes wanted her to face up and admit her problems, and then at other times I totally understood why she made the choices she was making. Some days I know I could easily be in the room next to hers. If you are not judgmental towards the human race, I recommend But Inside I'm Screaming highly. The writing is assured and subtle. It offers a frighteningly, clear insight into mental illness. It is also terrifying because it shows that anyone an suffer mental illness.

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this book was so annoying. Seriously, how many times do you need to say "adirondack chair"... I mean, is the type of chair you sit and smoke in THAT important? No. I get it. You sit in adirondack chairs. Also, it was so unoriginal. Think a crappy and way less interesting version of "Girl, Interrupted" (or any similar 'I'm in the psych ward but I shouldn't be' book). I was bored and unimpressed.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so much better than I expected it to be. Isabel Murphy is a reporter who has a break down while covering a huge story live on air. After a suicide attempt, she seeks treatment at Three Breezes, a psychiatric hospital. There she must come to terms with all the events in her life that brought her here.
This book shines an unsparing light on mental illness in its many forms and its cruel impact on people's lives as depicted by the other patients with whom Isabel is being treated. What I found most interesting was Isabel's inner dialogue when she was at her sickest and how it was at cross purposes with her treatment. How insidious the inner voice of depression can be so that it can reach its final goal of suicide. How canny and perceptive the psychiatrists have to be to combat this. Even the Electric Shock Therapy is explained in a way as to be understandable, acceptable and warranted.
This is a very readable book and a fascinating story. Maybe not for everyone, but still a recommend.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this could have been a very interesting book. It had all the right elements and a main character that could have been compelling. But sadly it had no depth to it, and things were "told" instead of "shown."

Isabel breaks down on live television and as a result, heads home to commit suicide. She doesn't quite succeed though and finds herself transported to the mental institution of Three Breezes. Here she doesn't feel as if she belongs with the other patients. She doesn't think she's quite crazy enough. But she does still know that she wants to kill herself, and that she's not happy with the doctors there who want her to undergo Electric Shock Therapy. Isabel is determined to die still, but it doesn't look like she's going to get her chance. Mixed in with her time at the institution are also memories of events that all led up to her breakdown. Memories of her husband's abusive ways and her father's absence help to contribute to her unstableness.

Isabel could have been a fantastic character. Since she is the main character she's the center of attention and the book pretty much focuses on her. However I never really understand why she does the things she does. For example, she develops some friendships at the institution, but its never really clear on why she picks the people she does to become friends with. I can understand why Isabel is depressed and there of course, but we're always told why she does this and that instead of having the character express it through her actions. The doctors at the institution were all pretty bland and I thought that maybe differentiating them from one another with some unique characteristics would have been nice. The other patients seemed kind of cookie cutter too instead of being unique as well.

I liked the idea of the plot but didn't care too much for the way it was done. While I find exploring the mind of a mental patient (albeit a tame one) interesting, I didn't find Isabel very compelling. I also didn't like the way the book jumped around from the present to different points in the past (in no particular chronological order) as it didn't flow very smoothly. It could do it randomly in the middle of the page sometimes and my brain would take a few seconds to keep up. Since this book deals with depression and suicide there are some pretty rough descriptions in here. There is also cussing and mention of rape and its probably not a book for the light hearted.

Not terrible but not especially interesting. It didn't make me want to go out and read another book by Flock right away.

But Inside I'm Screaming
Copyright 2003
316 pages

Review by M. Reynard 2011

[Brooke · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book quickly, but I did not enjoy it. The main character, Isabel, is a news reporter, who checks into a mental institution following a 'break down' on live television, and an attempted suicide. She apparently faces depression, anxiety and low-self esteem, but none of these seem true. I don't think the author has any real experience with these things, as they seem forced and unbelievable.

While at the institution, Isabel meets several other patients who face various mental illnesses. Isabel seems to look down on each and everyone of them - she is constantly making fun of people, refusing to talk to people and generally feeling superior to everyone. Until she realizes she just needs to love herself, and feel her own emotions instead of worrying about other people, and then she's miraculously a sweetheart to everyone, and all her problems are solved.

This was such a cliche, bullshit novel. I can't believe I wanted to read this for so long, and was so excited for it.

[Audrey Henning · Rating 3 out of 5]

Found this book for a dollar in the clearance section of the bookstore and decided to take a chance on it.

I made it about halfway through, but I got tired of the way it was constantly switching back and forth between the present and her flashbacks. Sometimes it was hard to keep track of what was going on. I also didn't find any of the characters to be likeable. I think the book had potential, but it fell flat for me.

[Gwen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this when I was younger and I can still remember the patient she was housed with who kept saying Wellbutrin saved her life. As a mental health patient I prefer generic cymbalta and buspar. That being said the side effects are having to go the bathroom and not going to the bathroom lol. Depression really sucks but it’s hilarious and so is Elizabeth.

[Alison Dawson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I loved her book Me and Emma. This book was just horrible. I am not sure why I actually finished it. There were lot of stereotypes and misconceptions about mental health issues in this book as well. The thing that bothered me the most was that in the end 'she wasn't like the rest of them'. HUH? It was incredibly annoying and very stigmatizing.

[Amanda Hixson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super interesting read. I love reading about the mind of the mental health. I myself suffer from anxiety and panic attack. I'm also a little bit of a hyprocondraic. This story was engaging and I was so hoping for a happy ending. Enjoyed reading about each of the characters and learning their stories even though they were such small parts. Big recommendations for anyone wanting to see the world through others with mental illnesses that think they might be alone.

[Stephanie Behl · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure what I expected with this novel. There were no surprises or mysteries. It was an easy read overall detailing a woman's time in a mental hospital. I suppose it could have been more detailed. Overall, feeling indifferent about this one.

[Leah · Rating 1 out of 5]

On the night Princess Diana is killed in a car accident in Paris, Isabel Murphy finds herself propelled onto live television, just waiting to make a statement to the public regarding Diana’s accident. However when the time comes for her to go live on-air, Isabel clams up and seems to break down. After trying to kill herself she voluntarily checks herself into a psychiatric hospital in the hopes of overcoming her breakdown. The question is: what drove Isabel to unravel live on television?

I’ve been wanting to read But Inside I’m Screaming for a few months now – ever since I picked it up in the book swap before putting it back down again; I liked the sound of the book but there was always something stopping me actually picking it up and buying it – until now. I saw it in the charity shop today and thought why not?. Since I finished my previous book last night I decided to start this as it sounded intriguing.

The book starts well enough – with Isabel freezing live on air when she’s supposed to be telling America all about Princess Diana’s car accident, however the blurb makes it sound as if she goes into some kind of frenzy – like I imagine someone suffering a nervous breakdown would – and I struggled to understand why Isabel only being mute constituted describing what happens as “unravelling”. To me, it seemed like stage fright of some sort and didn’t seem like that big a deal. The big deal to me came during the next chapter where Isabel attempts suicide. For me that was the catalyst that sent her into a psychiatric hospital, not her mute-ness live on TV.

The book is mostly set in Three Breezes, the facility in which Isabel ends up, so to expect anything other than a dark, depressing book would be stupid. What I did expect was a bit more meat to the whole thing. I have no idea what it’s like to be locked up in what is essentially a mental institution but for the duration of the book it wasn’t as if they were at a mental institution. Yes, some of the patients had episodes and yes, Isabel had to take her meds constantly but it all seemed rather toothless to me. I could be completely wrong and what goes on in the book may really happen in all psychiatric hospitals, I don’t know.

We also make frequent visits to times in the past that seem important to Isabel – episodes that explain how she ended up where she was. Most of it seemed innocent – generally just Isabel travelling around the country for news pieces – but there was a deeper edge there, particularly where Isabel’s husband Alex was concerned. He was nothing but a bully and I just couldn’t stand him. That helped to explain how Isabel ended up in the hospital. Isabel also seemed to have some huge daddy issues and again it all seemed forced and quite unbelievable.

My main problem with But Inside I’m Screaming were the characters. The fact is, we barely get to know any of the characters because they’re all completely insane in some way or another. Isabel is our principal character but she was one dimensional and had nothing that made her stand out. The same can be said for all of her other co-patients in Three Breezes. The lack of characterisation shocked me and did nothing to help the book at all. The fact is – the characters were so one-dimension that that is all I can say about them. They were truly that forgettable.

The writing is nothing special and if I’m brutally honest I think Flock should have written this from the first-person perspective rather than the third-person perspective it was written from. The third-person just didn’t work for the book and I think having it told entirely from Isabel’s point of view would have been so much more beneficial to the book. I would have much preferred to get into Isabel’s head because then I’d have felt more connected to Isabel. I disliked the book so much that I skim-read the last 150 pages as nothing really seemed to happen. I have no idea what I expected but it certainly wasn’t what I got. I think I was expecting something that would shock me – who doesn’t believe that life in a mental institution isn’t shocking? Exactly.

I truly expected so much more from But Inside I’m Screaming and I’m gutted I got such a rubbish read out of it. I’m not one to essentially give up on a book but for this I did. The fact is: not a lot happens, there is total lack of characterisation and it was written from the wrong perspective. All in all it was a truly disappointing read.

[Evangeline · Rating 4 out of 5]

What i liked best about this novel about a woman who suffers a breakdown and is admitted to a psychiatric hospital is the difference between Isabel and the other patients. Isabel is suffering from severe depression, whereas most of the other patients are suffering from illnesses like manic depression/bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. So because of the other patients' bouts of mania, paranoia, etc, Isabel is completely indignant as to why she is among them as, compared to them, she feels 'normal'. Whereas we the reader know she also has problems she needs help with as her main goal is to receive grounds privileges so she can walk to the end of the drive and step in front of the next passing truck. The realism of this really struck me, that in any given psychiatric facility there are people of varying levels of mental ill-health and this can impede upon their recovery. Isabel makes friends with Kristen, a patient who seems 'normal' like her at first, but then Isabel's eyes are opened to the fact that Kristin is on a spiral of self-destruction. The great shining moment of the story comes when Isabel realises that she is in the fortunate position of being able to help herself, whereas many around her are just too ill to ever recover. And from that moment she begins on the road to recovery.

I liked the characterisation of this novel. It's always morbidly fascinating to gain an insight into this type of situation. The author introduces us to several characters who we immediately pity, then reveals that they have committed some pretty horrendous crimes, which appall you as a reader, but at the same time you know that it's not their fault. There is unfortunately quite a bit of swearing in this book, although for the setting it is entirely realistic.

One thing that really surprised me though was the ending. It ends with Isabel leaving the hospital for good, knowing that the next day she has to face meeting with her irate boss who wants to fire her and her abusive ex-husband. I was a little surprised that the author didn't let us know what happened in these meetings, to give some kind of closure, but i think she just wanted to leave it open to speculation. The book is left on a note with Isabel feeling strong, so we are left to assume that no matter what happened when she met Alex face-to-face, and whether or not she did get fired, she was strong enough to come through it anyway.

Overall, an interesting and fairly quick read.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I keep a couple of stacks of paperbacks piled up on my nightstand, which is actually a bookcase, for those "just in case" moments when I either don't have anything to read or don't like what I've been reading or just need a break from something heavier. This book was in that stack, or one of them, picked up quite awhile ago from a Friends of the Library sale cart. I pick things up for all kinds of reasons, the title, a review I've read, a recommendation from friends or goodreads, because I saw it at Costco or maybe just because I have a potent need to know that I have at least a few books waiting in the wings, as it were. I've no idea why I selected this book in the first place, possibly the title, nor what exactly made me decide it was time to read it, but I did like it, not love it, just liked it.

"But Inside I'm Screaming" is the story of Isabel who on the very eve of starting a medical leave from her job, which she plans to spend committing suicide, freezes up on national television, live with breaking news. Her subsequent break down has her admitted to a psychiatric hospital where her initial goal is simple: get "privileges" so she walk down to the road and step in front of first passing vehicle, preferably a truck. From here the story switches back and forth between the present, peeks inside the psych ward, group therapy, and bed checks, and the past, both her recent past and her childhood, the events of Isabel's life that landed her in the nut hut. Sometimes dark and sad, sometimes funny, ultimately hopeful, a fairly easy and quick read, and I liked it. Not everyone's cup of tea but if you are curious or concerned about mental illness and mental hospitals you might like it too.

[Louise · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a little disappointed in this book after having read "Me & Emma". Totally different stories I understand and very different subject matters. However, I just didn't get an overall feeling of "ahhhh, THAT was a good novel!" Nonetheless, I did finish it. Perhaps it was the fact that I've just finished reading "A Million Little Pieces" and hearing about and reading all the surrounding hoopla and controversy surrounding that book! Halfway through this book I quickly lost interest and thought "Hmm...similar to Pieces only rehab for suicide not drugs."

From back cover:

"It's so thin and small it seems impossible that it can end a human life. Two long, quick slices and the pain bleeds away...

So begins 'But Inside I'm Screaming', an intense and absorbing novel. It is the unforgettable story of one woman's account of what it is to lose control as the world watches, to figure out what went so very wrong, and to accept an imperfect life in a world that demands perfection.

While breaking the hottest news story of the year, broadcast journalist Isabel Murphy unravels on live television in front of an audience of millions. She lands at Three Breezes, a four-star psychiatric hospital nicknamed the "nut hut", where she begins the painful process of recovering the life everyone thought she had.

But accepting her place among her fellow patients proves more difficult as Isabel struggles to reconcile the fact that she is, indeed, one of them, and faces the reality that in order to mend her painfully fractured life she must rely solely on herself."

[AJ LeBlanc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meet Isabel: successful international broadcast journalist, loving wife, perfect daughter, suicidal human.

After freezing up on national television while trying to cover the breaking news of Princess Diana's car crash, Isabel finds herself at Three Breezes, a top of the line psychiatric hospital. She has no idea why she's there. Maybe it's the two suicide attempts? The meltdown on live TV? The point is, she isn't like any of those other patients who are seriously crazy. She just wants to be released so she can leave and kill herself.

The writing style is lovely in its honesty, which is at times extremely painful. The chapters take turns showing time in the present at Three Breezes and then a moment from Isabel's past that has led her to the hospital. The group therapy sessions are at times horrifying, but can also be morbidly amusing, much like the other residents.

Isabel is forced through a series of treatments that she rebels against, but slowly finds herself facing the things in her life that have taken over. As the reader, I found myself wanting her to face up and admit her problems at some moments, and then at other times totally understanding why she was making the choices she was and feeling like I could easily be in the room next to hers.

This is not a retelling of Wally Lamb's "She's Come Undone", but if you liked that book, you'll probably like this one.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meet Isabel: successful international broadcast journalist, loving wife, perfect daughter, suicidal human.

After freezing up on national television while trying to cover the breaking news of Princess Diana's car crash, Isabel finds herself at Three Breezes, a top of the line psychiatric hospital. She has no idea why she's there. Maybe it's the two suicide attempts? The meltdown on live TV? The point is, she isn't like any of those other patients who are seriously crazy. She just wants to be released so she can leave and kill herself.

The honesty of the writing is sometimes painful because the reader feels Isabel's raw emotions and her irrationality that she doesn't belong in the "nut hut". She isn't one of "these" patients. Slowly she learns to deal with her problems and come to accept that she does belong here and that in the long run it will help her. This honestly and the feelings that you get reading this book make it a five star book for me.

Seems to show the working realities of a psych hospital and the mix of counseling, behavior modification, and medication that these wards or hospitals use.

Elizabeth Flock is definitely an author to read.

[Aveen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story is about a girl who, to the outside world, has everything - great job, partner etc but inside Elizabeth is having a breakdown and has lead a life full of the pressures of trying to be perfect. This story shows a glimpse into the world of the depressive mind and how it interacts to the world around it; how it sees life.

I would say this book is quite 'deep' and could possibly be triggering for some as it deals with quite afew issues around abuse, not only for the main character but others. It also may seem a bit depressing in some ways as you are reading from the mindset of someone in the throws of severe depression.

However if you are a professional in the Mental health field, are someone who has suffeed personally with Mental health issues or you know someone who has, this book gives a great insight into what it feels like to try and survive it.

[Teri G · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh for crying out loud. This book was chosen for our book club and it was one of the worst reads ever. It took everything in me to finish it, hoping it would get better. No character development, very little plot, miraculous recoveries, everything wrapped up all pretty with a bow at the end -- thank goodness I didn't spend any money on it, but I could have done something more useful with the time it took to pick it up from the library and read it, like rearrange my sock drawer.

[Sean Whelan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not sure how I came across this book but glad I did. TV personality suffers a breakdown whole covering princess Diana and we follow her story of treatment in a mental ward with many troubled people in with her. There remains such a stigma with mental illness and a book that sheds light on the issue is welcomed.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this to be a great read. Told in first person and flashbacks, this describes a young woman's mental breakdown and subsequent admission to a psychiatric hospital. I found this intriguing, told from the point of view of the patient herself.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I guess I like stories with mental institutions. I really liked this one, shows how a person with a seemingly easy life can fall apart

[Jennie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'd actually give this one NO stars, but that wasn't an option. This was the worst waste of my reading time ever!

[Isabela Magalhães · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is very touching book.

[Connie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could not put this book down! I read it in one sitting. A captivating look at what mental illness must look like and feel like. Very well written and keeps you hooked from the start.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book portrays really well several mental illnesses. I loved the complexity of it. It was cruel and realistic, but hopeful too.

[Akshara · Rating 1 out of 5]

Lack lustre prose and too many alternating timelines. DNF

[Juanita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review: But Inside I’m Screaming by Elizabeth Flock. 01/25/2018

The subject matter in this book was thought proving and interesting. The story was well written and the characters all fit their role especially the main character, Isabel Murphy. The story read as if the author herself was in a situation like this because her details, issues, and emotions were spot on. Elizabeth Flock was honest and sincere throughout this story that at times it was emotionally painful. I connected with the book more than I thought I would. Deep embedded emotional memories never fully fade away.

Isabel Murphy was a successful international news reporter. One day she freezes up on live national television while trying to cover breaking news about Princess Diana being in a deadly car crash. Isabel later woke up in Three Breezes psychiatric hospital and she doesn’t know why she is there. She felt she wasn’t like the patients there and wanted to be released. Isabel struggles while she is there and had a hard time facing reality of having a breakdown. Isabel did have stressful issues to deal with, such as her husband had left her, she thought her parents were disappointed in her and now she messed up at work in the middle of a news cast. However that’s only the beginning, things are going to get worst before they get better.


Isabel is forced through a series of treatments, taking medication, going to therapy groups and participating with other patients. She is very rebellious the first couple of weeks but she knew in order to be released she needed to accept that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and that she was the only one who could turn her life around and begin a new path. The author broke the story down to different phases of Isabel’s recovery which helps people who read this story that do or do not have an emotional disorder to understand the inner emotions a person may carry and how the disorder can control the mind….

[Melissa Colon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Following The Bell Jar, I fell into even darker mentalities in this gem... It was difficult, at times, to be an onlooker to the abuse and manipulation that reoccurs but it makes you that much more hopeful for a healthy happy ending. Flock does not disappoint!
I think I picked this one based on the title, as I sometimes feel myself screaming inside and have been curious on the representation of this sensation in both literary and medical contexts. While it didn't really shed any light on what is typically categorized as "intrusive thoughts," I think it wholly captured what the severity of such mental illnesses linked to them can look like.

[Sharon A. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked this story; it caught my attention from the beginning and I couldn't put it down. The only thing that kept it from a 4-star rating was that I either missed an important part or it wasn't included. The back and forth time-telling told most of Isabel's story of how she ended up where she did, but we missed the piece where her marriage imploded and she separated from her husband. As low as she was how did she ever manage to pull away from him?

I did enjoy the ending; it leaves it up to us how things turn out for Isabel but somehow I felt she was going to be just fine.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Based on author's own life." I kept this in mind as I followed Isabel's journey. It takes courage to write about something so raw and personal. To be able to look back, analyze, and present a coherent account of what, at times, must have felt like anything but, and describe what it is like to be in a fog, underwater, feel undeserving to exist anymore, comes from a place of strength. Understanding that parts may have been fictionalized for the purpose of the telling, I applaud Ms. Flock for sharing her story.