The Other Woman: Twenty-one Wives, Lovers, and Others Talk Openly About Sex, Deception, Love, and Betrayal

by Victoria Zackheim

She's been called the harpy, the Jezebel, the Lorelei, the bitch...and other choice names. In truth, she is someone's daughter, mother, friend, confidante. She seduces husbands, breaks up marriages, and occasionally becomes a stepmother. Sometimes, she is even a victim. So who is this creature who arrives like a wrecking ball to destroy lives and families? She is the Other Woman--but she's only half the story. For every Other Woman, there is a wife or girlfriend whose relationship has been devastated--or surprisingly--blissfully liberated. Some women find themselves playing both roles during the course of a lifetime. With 21 insightful essays (20 written specifically for this anthology) from the list of America's most respected and award-winning female authors, this collection explores the highly personal, sometimes anguished, sometimes hilarious, but always compelling experiences of women on both sides of these highly charged and emotional situations.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Short Stories, Essays, Chick Lit, Memoir, Romance

288 pages, Hardcover

First published June 13, 2007

About the author

Victoria Zackheim is the author of the novel, The Bone Weaver, and editor of six anthologies, the most recent being FAITH: Essays From Believers, Agnostics, and Atheists. Her screenplay, Maidstone, a feature film, is in development, as are her theater plays The Other Woman and Entangled. Victoria also writes documentary films and teaches creative nonfiction (Personal Essay) in the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program. She is a 2010 San Francisco Library Laureate.

Reviews

[Anya Wassenberg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Here's the thing about the other woman. She lives inside your head. She may live on the next corner or in the next town or halfway across the world; she may be five-two or five-nine; she may be rail thin (never skinny) or voluptuous (never fat). But however big or small she is, however much space she takes up in the world, will never compare to the amount of space she'll take up in your brain. (from Not Istanbul, by Pam Houston)

The Other Woman is an anthology of non fiction musings, essays and confessions on the subject and covers some familiar ground with writers good enough to make you enjoy the read even if heart ache isn't your cup of tea. Twenty-one writers look at the dreaded other woman role from every conceivable angle - including that of the other woman herself.

Canadian entries to The Other Woman include Aviva Layton, "other woman" to Canlit icon Irving Layton, and Mary Jo Eustace. Mary Jo, remember her? She was half of the adorable couple (the other being Ken Kostic) that hosted TV's popular What's For Dinner? on the Lifestyle Channel in the 1990's. When the show's run ended, Eustace left Canada for Hollywood to boost the career of her husband, actor Dean McDermott. Within a year, they'd adopted a child, (a second), and McDermott landed a role in a made for TV movie, co-starring alongside Tori Spelling. But, the promising development spiralled into a very public drama for Eustace when McDermott returned from the location shoot to coldly announce that he'd not only slept with his co-star, he'd discovered his soul mate, and, in fact, hadn't loved or respected Eustace in some time.

Ouch. A public spat between the three of them ensued and splashed all over the tabloids in 2006, with Eustace talking of a tell all book deal. That book seems, at least in part, to have resulted in her contribution to the anthology, Palm Springs.

Looking back, it's funny the things you notice just before your life is about to change: nothing.

A seemingly innocuous day by the pool spins out of control as McDermott confesses his love for Spelling.

My husband is having an affair with Tori Spelling. I'm not really sure at this point if this is a dream of not. This has happened to me several times before. Not where people I know have slept with Tori Spelling, but where the difference before and after is so huge, so life-altering, that you're not sure if it is really happening.

The mixture of essays and memoirs gives you a break from similar stories of betrayal and betraying, although a certain amount of natural human curiosity in juicy human melodramas does keep you reading on. Layton's entry, for example, is scathingly revealing, even when it reflects on the writer - like where she admits to squeezing in a last minute blow job ("mouth rape" is her term) in the hopes of ensuring that Layton wouldn't have sex with his wife once he went home. Never married legally, she changed her name to his and they had a faux marriage ceremony, with Leonard Cohen as "witness", only to note, to her chagrin, that as soon as his wife had moved away and out of the picture, another "other woman" appeared on the scene almost immediately.

Similarly sobering is Pulitzer Prize winning novellist Jane Smiley's account of her husband's infatuation and continued relationship with a previous lover, one she seems, in the end, satisfied merely to have outlasted. He was honest, I was accepting, she was a force of nature. It's fine writing and insightful, but it may be the message that rankles in the end.

[Kricket · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book was a random grab when I was browsing non-fiction. I happened to have "the other woman" as covered by lana del rey stuck in my head and looked up to see this book. as with all collections from multiple authors, some selections are much better than others but they are all pretty fascinating.

when i was a newlywed the idea of infidelity was the most upsetting thing in the world to me. 10 years in, it's still upsetting, but somehow not as black and white as it was. couples i know are experiencing this, people i think of as "normal" and "good" and "just like me." someone sleeps with someone else and they're not turning into monsters, they're still normal and good and yes, definitely flailing around a bit. but as one of these essays points out, who made the "forsaking all others" vow more important than the "til death do us part" vow? is it kind of a contest to see who breaks a vow first? if one vow is broken are all the vows broken? it's at least worth thinking about.

this is the exact quote, from "Once upon a time it took three" by Binnie Kirshenbaum: "Betrayal in our culture refers to straying (which implies coming back), rather than leaving (which implies no return). It is curious that our response to the former is far more harsh than to the latter. To divorce is to break a marriage vow and it breaks apart family...We ask a lot from our marriages, from our significant others, to be our everything...and forever. It's a tall order. We ask so much of them that they are bound, at some point or another, to disappoint us." (p.58-9).

That was one of the essays I enjoyed more, as it talks about how the concept of marriage and our attitudes towards it have changed over time. The other essays run the gamut from unapologetic to thoughtful to shocking. Not all of the writers are people I think I would like very much, but it sure was interesting to read these.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

While some of these stories are beyond riveting (ex. Mary Jo Eustace's essay), there are several that leave much to be desired. Some of the authors seem to tell their stories from a detached perspective, while others are emotionally stripped. That being said, some of the essayists bring a lot to the table with their emotionally-charged tales. While there are certainly women I could not relate to in this book, they displayed a new perspective; sins with no guilt and destroying lives without remorse.

From the broken-hearted, the guilt-ridden mistress and to the heartless home-wrecker, you'll find them all in this book. Some offer their life lessons and apologies. Others do not, thinking the "What's yours is mine" philosophy works quite well for them. Sometimes shocking, other times dull, this book does not disappoint in showing the best and worst women have to offer, wih a word of warning: Beware.

[Sheila · Rating 3 out of 5]

A friend gave me this book a few years ago and told me it would be therapeutic. I was afraid to start it, not wanting to relive any of my own painful memories, but finally did and breezed through with a surprising lack of gut-wrenching tears. Most of the authors are very skilled writers, and their tales compelling, so I surprised myself by finding it almost enjoyable, although there were certainly moments that felt like I was picking an old scab. Human behavior is endlessly complex and becoming more incomprehensible to me as I age as I see more of life's twists and turns. It is reassuring to read that so many other accomplished and successful women feel that way, too.

[Kevin McAllister · Rating 5 out of 5]

They truth is stranger than fiction. Well, this book is a collection of essays by female writers who describe their own true & personal experiences where they have been victimized by the other woman . Or in some cases, where they have played the role of the other woman. And each essay truly does validate the saying truth is stranger than fiction. Fascinating reading !

[Trish · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting & fun read. Had several LOL moments. As a betrayed spouse (1st marriage - not current) & as an 'unknowing' Other Woman - I read this book with an open mind & was able to understand several perspectives. Also, a fabulous source for future reading material. If you have a few favorite stories in this book, check out "About the Contributors" at the back of the book for more by that author.

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this book would be an interesting collection of stories dealing with the infamous "other woman". Some of the stories were entertaining, but others were just sad and depressing. Overall, I wouldn't recommend this one.

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting perspective on the whole notion of cheating. I did feel like the book was written for a much older audience and from the perspective of much older women. As if in your 20's cheating isn't a reality, just a concept, but by the end of your life, it will have touched you in some way.

[M · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked this book up because I saw that Dani Shapiro had a story in the collection; then I realized that it's actually excerpted from her book, but by that point, I was already partway through. I enjoyed reading her piece, but many of the other essays seemed rambling and not terribly well written.

[Leisel The Spacemercat Sempf · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 rounded up to 4 I enjoyed this book. Having been in both places before it was inbreeding to see the other's point of view. Not a conservative or family friendly read. Trigger warning for sexual abuse should be added somewhere to the cover of the book whether on the front or back or inside cover, it should be mentioned.

[Marisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Library Request. This was a great read of different POV’s on betrayal from the other woman’s, whether it was the betrayed upon wife, the mistress, the lesbian, the cliche old man younger mistress. All essays were worth reading, I thought enjoyed this assembled essays.

[Concetta Kellough · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wives and adulteresses write essays on their experiences and feelings of being betrayed and/or being the betrayer. It is thought provoking and confirms the pain of adultery and betrayal.

[Rena Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great research. Especially loved Susan Cheever's and Nancy Weber's contributions.

[Sarah Cawlfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Cynthia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some very funny essays here.

[Jane]

BOOK CLUB

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Other people’s lives fascinate me. But man, Tori and Dean suck. I had no idea!

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was fine. I'm not really sure what I expected, which is probably part of the problem. It just felt so...disconnected. The essays went back and forth between "Men suck and are cheaters, and the women who cheat with them are homewreckers" and "Cheating isn't really bad, it's not something I'm proud I did, but it happens and I'm not sorry", which was kind of confusing. I mean, I get that everyone's opinion on the topic is going to be different, especially depending on whether you're the one who did the cheating or got cheated on. But it still felt very confusing. Also, there were a number of essays that ended with the writer saying they were currently with someone they totally loved, and would never cheat on, and would never expect to be cheated on by, but the majority of them had said the same thing about the original person in their essay who they had cheated on or been cheated on by, so it kind of felt false, like it was really just a matter of time before the same thing happened again. Kind of a depressing book, is all I'm saying. But then, I guess that's kind of expected.

[Jennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

My fear in picking this up is that it would be poorly written. I was also concerned that it wouldn't convey any sense of diversity or acceptance of nontraditional relationships. But this book is actually an intelligent and mostly thoughtful collection of essays. It illuminates some hard, basic and sometimes very ugly truths about human nature. It also shines a light on the truly insane, outrageous turns that relationships can take over the course of a life. I looked up a few of these stories because they were so voyeuristically thrilling and appalling that I didn't believe they were true. Sure, some of the essays aren't as strong - that's always the case in anthologies. But I found it to be a compelling theme and the writers did it justice by approaching the topic from a variety of angles. One word of caution...people behave really badly throughout this book, I felt pretty disgusted at what DOGS men and women can be. It's definitely not an uplifting read.

[Marjanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was an interesting read. It shared various views of "The Other Woman" such as from the 'other woman's' perspective, women dealing with the 'other woman' in their marriages, and even lesbians with 'other women'. This book reminded me a bit of high school, when my girlfriends when some other girl 'stole(!!)' their guy. I was always amazed that they would be more upset with the girl than with the stupid guy. This book is pretty much in that same vein. Women blaming other women rather than the jerk caught in the middle. Anyhow, I did find the book interesting. Love and life is so complex.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good anthology about infidelity. All essays were contributed by women writers, and are from the point of view of both the woman contending with "the other woman", as well as " being" the other woman. Most of the stories were extremely honest, many of the women baring themselves emotionally without attempting to whitewash this delicate issue. I really appreciated that included were the stories of lesbian and bisexual women, giving the book a much more inclusive feel than many other anthologies I have read. In the end I was reminded if Joan Didion's famous opening line from "The Year of Magical Thinking": We tell ourselves stories in order to live.

[Saghar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the stories are very good. I especially
loved the story by Diana Abu-Jaber and Lynn Freed. It's really true that for most of us women 'Reason itself knows nothing of the heart'. The other comment that I loved by Diana Abu-Jaber is: 'It seems to me that being an Other must be at times at least as painful as being betrayed'. I have never experienced this and hope I never will but I bet this is very true. I recommend it to women who might be interested in reading about the other side. The stories are true but sometimes more strange than fiction.

[Lianne]

I attended a seminar where Victoria Zackheim, who is the anthologist of this collection, presented. A voyeuristic sharing of the many aspects of the other woman. Individual memoir pieces (often with the names changed to protect identities)portray confessions from the point of view of all: wives, lovers, and observers. The memoirs reveal the lessons learned from the anguished, funny honest encounters and obsessions.

[Barbara]

A great topic--the other woman--and great essays about this topic. If you've ever been the other woman, or have any curiosity about who she is, you'll love this collection. (I sound like such an advertisement. I don't meant to be. Oh, yes I do. I love this book.) Zackheim was on my show two weeks ago.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't love this book any more than I do. Compelling, quirky, sometimes lyrical accounts of being the cheated-on wife, the other woman, and the other other woman. No one is a two-dimensional cartoon, and no one is a simple villain even when the emotions and actions are simply awful. Jealousies, fears, and needs subvert and reify cultural conditioning.

[Barb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was interesting and very funny in parts. Nice book to pick up when you don't have hours to read; you can read one or a couple 'stories' at a time. Each of the 21 entries was an essay, but some of them read more like fiction; i.e., they seemed too improbable to be true, but true they were.

[Princess · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't like this book as much as I thought I would. It did delve into some interesting issues though. I would not recommend this book to everyone. There are some graphic descriptions. There are stories about lesbians and there is also an essay about sexual abuse. If anything, this book opened my eyes to the "other" side of the story.

[Lennie · Rating 2 out of 5]

In this collection of stories, several women talk about their own relationship that ended when their partner left them for another woman. Overall, I thought this book was boring and that it lacked "juiciness". I found that the only story I was interested in reading about was on Mary Jo Eustace whose husband Dean, had left her for Tori Spelling. I give this book two stars.

[Cassi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just like any book of short stories, there are some facinating and well written pieces, and some that just, well, aren't. But overall, I found myself flagging a lot of pages that struck me.

Can someone please read this just so we can have a really long conversation about some of the chapters- please?

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed getting to read the multiple perspectives of the other woman. Whether it be a woman scorned, or a woman who fell in love with someone else's man, the other woman at a young age, or older and after marriage. I loved how the stories had all different emotions: humor, love, rage, healing. Great stories, super interesting.