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The Unavailable Father: Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal, and Cope with a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship
Strategies for overcoming a damaged father/daughter relationship Problems between fathers and daughters can damage a young girl's identity, convince her she's unloveable or without worth, and send her into unhealthy adult relationships. This groundbreaking book includes in-depth stories and case histories of a broad spectrum of women over 25 who have recovered and flourished in their professional and personal lives despite the lack of a father's recognition and affection. While the legacy of pain that these fathers leave is deep, there is much that can be done to alleviate and even conquer it. Using these women's stories as well as her insights from her private practice, the author outlines basic strategies to overcome the void left by an abusive, absent, alcoholic, mentally ill, irresponsible, selfish, or unloving father. The women whose stories are told in The Unavailable Father have learned to recognize and change the patterns instigated by their dysfunctional fathers and have moved forward, fulfilled.
192 pages, Paperback
First published March 30, 2010
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January 5, 2019Hm, realmente al final era un poco repetitivo y no me ha descubierto nada nuevo, pero me quedo con algunos de los fragmentos que he marcado.
"Forgiveness is not an easy place to get to, but the alternative is to carry anger and resentment through life. This is very harmful for one's mental and physical well-being. It took many years for me to let it go, but I think it's a worthy goal. Which isn't to say that everyone has to have a relationship with one's father if it is too toxic to do so."
"Not many of the men set out to deliberately harm their daughters. Most, as their daughters came to learn, were not even aware of the harm they were inflicting. In many cases they were passing on the failures of their own parents, ensuring that the pain of the frightened child would pass on to yet another generation."
"The daughters are controlled by the need to please. They keep trying to be perfect. They are good students. They are often well liked. But they don’t feel good about themselves. They refuse to admit that they are attractive, or intelligent, or successful, or lovable."
"If your father failed in this regard, you may now be the kind of woman who tries very hard to please. You may well be quite popu- lar because you work so hard at pleasing people, but you may stead- fastly refuse to see yourself as desirable or worthy of approval. You may also have done very well in school and in your career, yet never given yourself much credit for your accomplishments. You may be highly self-critical if you achieve anything less than perfection. You may attribute your successes not to your intelligence, talent, or hard work but rather to external factors such as luck or “being in the right place at the right time.”
"Far too often, daughters of unavailable fathers have the notion that they must be very good at something in order for it to work. Similarly, they may assume that a new relationship must be perfect in order to be good. But this is simply wrong. There are many women out there who are not particularly intelligent or talented or beautiful who nevertheless have a great deal of fun and consider their lives quite meaningful."
"So how do you go approach your father? First, you do not approach him in anger. When you seek a meeting with your father to revisit your childhood, don’t think of it as a confrontation.
When you do meet with him, don’t begin by asking him to explain why he hurt you the way he did. That won’t get you very far. Instead, tell him that you are trying to get a sense of where you came from and how you ended up where you are. Then ask him what he remembers about your childhood. This should help to minimize his defensiveness, and it will allow him to begin speaking about areas where he feels most comfortable. Later in your conversation, you can ask him to tell you more about some of the things that he has mentioned, and perhaps you can even steer him in the direction of your relationship with him and how he views himself as a father.
Intersperse any inquiries of this nature with questions about other family members and questions about what he was doing at the time. "
"Forgiveness is not an easy place to get to, but the alternative is to carry anger and resentment through life. This is very harmful for one's mental and physical well-being. It took many years for me to let it go, but I think it's a worthy goal. Which isn't to say that everyone has to have a relationship with one's father if it is too toxic to do so."
"Not many of the men set out to deliberately harm their daughters. Most, as their daughters came to learn, were not even aware of the harm they were inflicting. In many cases they were passing on the failures of their own parents, ensuring that the pain of the frightened child would pass on to yet another generation."
"The daughters are controlled by the need to please. They keep trying to be perfect. They are good students. They are often well liked. But they don’t feel good about themselves. They refuse to admit that they are attractive, or intelligent, or successful, or lovable."
"If your father failed in this regard, you may now be the kind of woman who tries very hard to please. You may well be quite popu- lar because you work so hard at pleasing people, but you may stead- fastly refuse to see yourself as desirable or worthy of approval. You may also have done very well in school and in your career, yet never given yourself much credit for your accomplishments. You may be highly self-critical if you achieve anything less than perfection. You may attribute your successes not to your intelligence, talent, or hard work but rather to external factors such as luck or “being in the right place at the right time.”
"Far too often, daughters of unavailable fathers have the notion that they must be very good at something in order for it to work. Similarly, they may assume that a new relationship must be perfect in order to be good. But this is simply wrong. There are many women out there who are not particularly intelligent or talented or beautiful who nevertheless have a great deal of fun and consider their lives quite meaningful."
"So how do you go approach your father? First, you do not approach him in anger. When you seek a meeting with your father to revisit your childhood, don’t think of it as a confrontation.
When you do meet with him, don’t begin by asking him to explain why he hurt you the way he did. That won’t get you very far. Instead, tell him that you are trying to get a sense of where you came from and how you ended up where you are. Then ask him what he remembers about your childhood. This should help to minimize his defensiveness, and it will allow him to begin speaking about areas where he feels most comfortable. Later in your conversation, you can ask him to tell you more about some of the things that he has mentioned, and perhaps you can even steer him in the direction of your relationship with him and how he views himself as a father.
Intersperse any inquiries of this nature with questions about other family members and questions about what he was doing at the time. "
April 19, 2015
Emotionally difficult...but on spot
Very difficult emotionally to read, it brought home reality I have never fully recognised. I had to read it, and put it down several times through tears. It was not until my father died that I felt the freedom to be who and what I am. Must read for anyone who has gone through this
Very difficult emotionally to read, it brought home reality I have never fully recognised. I had to read it, and put it down several times through tears. It was not until my father died that I felt the freedom to be who and what I am. Must read for anyone who has gone through this
October 9, 2022
As a male and a substitute father figure of sorts, I found this book to be straightforward and helpful though a but too simplistic and cliche. A young girl has arrived in my life who has an unavailable father that fits some of the categories in this book. I found it helpful to understand the roots of her emotional trauma and the resulting behavioral effects. She is only 12 and I will use some of the questions and techniques read about here to help guide her towards developing more confidence and trust. A good starting point and useful for men to read as well as women.
October 17, 2018
Tip: At the end of the book the author offers a list of academical articles on the topic.
May 18, 2014
This was an interesting read but at times did not seem to reflect a global population of women. (Spoiler alert)- Chapters 7 and 8 appear to have more unity as far as application and this is not to say previous sections were any less informative. Over all not a bad read and the author includes several resources for readers interested in additional information.
August 8, 2011
This book did give me some insight to chew on, but not very much. Hearing the stories was kind of I interesting, but most of the book seemed like common sense to me, not entirely illuminating. It also got pretty repetitive at the end.
December 1, 2020
A must read for every father and child, I think even sons would benefit from this, I'm taking of one start because I wish there was more tips to cope but a very readable and amazing book to understand the issue
December 13, 2011
Dipped in and out, and what I did read was very good - and validating of my own experience, just wasn't in the right space to digest it all at the time, and prob too sensitive to go back to...
February 23, 2013
The most highlighted ebook I have in my possession. Maybe a more detailed review in future, too difficult now.
October 22, 2023
This book is highly recommended to read specially for those women who experienced a failed father-daughter relationship.
It helps in understanding more about types of unavailable father and how each type affected the girl's childhood and how that effect developed in the woman's adulthood.
The book is divided into two parts, the first one is about identifying six types of the unavailable father based on the writer's practices and interviewing with women. The second part is about the path to recovery.
In each type of the unavailable father in part one, the writer shares with us real stories of women, through these stories you will get to know more details about how this type of unavailable father behaved with his daughter, how these attitudes affected them in their attitudes, behaviors,choices and their self image they formed during their childhood and adolescence.
In part two, you will find an assessment and the scores to help you to figure out what kind of unavailable father you have experienced, once you write down your scores that will help you to dig deep about behaviors you have done/still doing. Then it gives you some steps to follow to be able to face the past and overcome it, in order to find better attitudes and behaviors about the good happy life you are seeking for.
The book is really amazing, the writer's writing is easy to be understood. If you are not able to go to a therapist, this book may help you by taking notes and reflecting on your experience. It can be a good start for you to replace your failed father-daughter relationship with the new perception you will form about yourself.
Still think about reading it? Take a step and start today.
It helps in understanding more about types of unavailable father and how each type affected the girl's childhood and how that effect developed in the woman's adulthood.
The book is divided into two parts, the first one is about identifying six types of the unavailable father based on the writer's practices and interviewing with women. The second part is about the path to recovery.
In each type of the unavailable father in part one, the writer shares with us real stories of women, through these stories you will get to know more details about how this type of unavailable father behaved with his daughter, how these attitudes affected them in their attitudes, behaviors,choices and their self image they formed during their childhood and adolescence.
In part two, you will find an assessment and the scores to help you to figure out what kind of unavailable father you have experienced, once you write down your scores that will help you to dig deep about behaviors you have done/still doing. Then it gives you some steps to follow to be able to face the past and overcome it, in order to find better attitudes and behaviors about the good happy life you are seeking for.
The book is really amazing, the writer's writing is easy to be understood. If you are not able to go to a therapist, this book may help you by taking notes and reflecting on your experience. It can be a good start for you to replace your failed father-daughter relationship with the new perception you will form about yourself.
Still think about reading it? Take a step and start today.
May 17, 2025
The Unavailable Father is a powerful and compassionate exploration of the impact an emotionally or physically absent father can have on a child's development well into adulthood. Drawing from clinical research, real-life stories, and therapeutic insight, Rosenthal provides both clarity and comfort to those navigating the long shadow cast by paternal absence.
The book is especially effective in breaking down the different forms of unavailability—whether it’s due to divorce, emotional detachment, addiction, or death—and how each shapes the way children grow up to relate to themselves and others. Rosenthal avoids over-pathologizing the experience; instead, she offers an empathetic roadmap for healing, emphasizing self-awareness, boundary-setting, and the reworking of unhealthy relational patterns.
One of the book’s strengths is its accessibility. Even those unfamiliar with psychological literature will find it easy to engage with. The case studies, though brief, are poignant, and the exercises at the end of chapters are constructive without being overwhelming.
However, readers looking for a deeply academic or intersectional critique of fatherhood and societal expectations may find the approach somewhat narrow. The book largely focuses on heteronormative family structures and may not fully address the nuances of diverse family dynamics.
Still, The Unavailable Father succeeds in its core mission: to offer validation and guidance to those trying to understand how a father’s absence shaped their inner world. For anyone looking to confront and work through the echoes of paternal neglect or distance, this book is a compassionate starting point.
The book is especially effective in breaking down the different forms of unavailability—whether it’s due to divorce, emotional detachment, addiction, or death—and how each shapes the way children grow up to relate to themselves and others. Rosenthal avoids over-pathologizing the experience; instead, she offers an empathetic roadmap for healing, emphasizing self-awareness, boundary-setting, and the reworking of unhealthy relational patterns.
One of the book’s strengths is its accessibility. Even those unfamiliar with psychological literature will find it easy to engage with. The case studies, though brief, are poignant, and the exercises at the end of chapters are constructive without being overwhelming.
However, readers looking for a deeply academic or intersectional critique of fatherhood and societal expectations may find the approach somewhat narrow. The book largely focuses on heteronormative family structures and may not fully address the nuances of diverse family dynamics.
Still, The Unavailable Father succeeds in its core mission: to offer validation and guidance to those trying to understand how a father’s absence shaped their inner world. For anyone looking to confront and work through the echoes of paternal neglect or distance, this book is a compassionate starting point.
December 19, 2025
I thought this book started strong and could relate to some of the stories other women had. The assessment seemed compelling but the ways that some of them led to conclusions seem a bit suspect and less than scientific. The final conclusions really lost me - there's no way I would be able to have a conversation with my father about how I felt he was unavailable, no matter how covert/deceptive I attempt to be. And trying to get feedback from other family members in a less than direct way also sits oddly for me. Then the insistence that reflecting on how smart, accomplished and attractive I must actually be lost me completely. I've had some health issues in the past several years that have really affected my body, I had walked away from being solely career driven once I had children, for both their needs and my own, and while I am fairly intelligent, I don't think it's either in spite of or because of my father's availability or unavailability, although it probably had some impact.
I also found the frequent fixation on how the women whose stories were included were so attractive and accomplished, as if that is what gives them worth. And a strong negative that didn't hit me as hard until I began writing this is how the author seems to imply that sexual orientation is at least somewhat based on a father's availability, and I don't think there's any scientific evidence for that, either. The glaring negative parts of this book would keep me from recommending it to anyone else.
I also found the frequent fixation on how the women whose stories were included were so attractive and accomplished, as if that is what gives them worth. And a strong negative that didn't hit me as hard until I began writing this is how the author seems to imply that sexual orientation is at least somewhat based on a father's availability, and I don't think there's any scientific evidence for that, either. The glaring negative parts of this book would keep me from recommending it to anyone else.
August 17, 2021
Quite interesting. Didn't read you completely but the instances where I thought that is for me. It was quite refreshing and interesting to find out why I go for a specific men and how how I can use that to find the guy for me
January 12, 2023
It's not even the fact they're father's its more that they were just bad men. First, gay people exist and people who don't want to be in relationships at all so NO people aren't all incestuous and select partners like their father. That idea just comes from pop psychology and it's not scientific.
September 25, 2024
A good book if you want to work on your abandonment trauma related to your relationship with your father. Finally you will get some answers and the second part of the book about recovery is very helpful. I highly recommend it and I am about to apply the path to recovery steps.
November 19, 2024
Chapters 7 & 8 needed to be expanded and be the whole book. But perhaps I was looking more for a clinical approach and less a self-help book, but I found there to be too many stories and not enough of everything else.
November 30, 2019
Could use more specifics in the advice section. Other than that, this is a good book.
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May 25, 2020it was a sad and a hard experience reading this book because i related to it a lot i liked hearing other people experiences about the subject
August 9, 2023
Brilliant book which I took a lot from. Its great to be able to see how what my father did or never did stills plays out in my life today. Highly recommend this book for a great insight.
February 6, 2024
For everyone with daddy issues this one is for you :(. Loved the inclusion of scientific articles at the very end.
March 1, 2023
Audible version felt grating at times, coz the change in voice sounded condescending and scoffing. Didn’t like the different pitches act.
It was ok, understand yes but not heal and cope.
It was ok, understand yes but not heal and cope.
July 2, 2011
This book was very informative and truly helpful for me.
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews