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Preparing for Marriage: Discover God's Plan for a Lifetime of Love
It can be tempting, for couples who are engaged, to focus on planning their wedding day and ignore preparations for the lifetime commitment that begins after the cake is cut. Now, with this revised and updated edition of Preparing for Marriage from FamilyLife, couples can do both! Created by one of America’s leading marriage and family ministries, this dynamic program is designed to help Christian couples lay the foundation for a strong, lasting and biblical marriage.
Preparing for Marriage includes eight sessions of fun, romantic study that will help couples identify areas for growth in their relationship and start them off on the right foot before they walk down the aisle. Couples will learn how to discern God’s will for their relationship, to handle finances and plans for the future, to clarify their roles and responsibilities, to develop a loving sexual relationship, to deal with family histories and past issues, and much more!
Preparing for Marriage includes eight sessions of fun, romantic study that will help couples identify areas for growth in their relationship and start them off on the right foot before they walk down the aisle. Couples will learn how to discern God’s will for their relationship, to handle finances and plans for the future, to clarify their roles and responsibilities, to develop a loving sexual relationship, to deal with family histories and past issues, and much more!
254 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1997
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March 5, 2024Helpful, but not comprehensive.
July 18, 2019
This book is probably very helpful for new believers or younger adults getting married. I can see it being helpful for mature believers who just haven’t had a chance to have some of the deep conversations, however, I don’t feel that the book actually did very much to help prepare me for marriage.
My fiancé and I have made it a point to intentionally pursue marriage from the beginning, so we have dedicated perhaps more time to prepairing ourselves for this next step than other couples, but I can’t help but feel that this book is somewhat juvenile. My fiancé and I found the worksheets to be similar to what we had already talked through by going through 101 Questions Before You Get Engaged. This was affirming, yet also makes us worried for couples who aren’t dating as intentionally as we have been. We felt as though many of the conversations prompted in the book should have been had even before engagement. (So this book is probably a better read for a couple in the dating phase, not the engagement phase).
I’d love to see more references to the Holy Spirit and his role in our marriages, and less of the legalistic and contractual ‘covenants’ and ‘commitments’ that are littered throughout the book.
It’s also worth noting that this book is written and edited by men, with little to no mention of wives making contributions. I think this is a tad concerning.
All in all, this is a good resource for a couple that’s intentionally dating towards marriage, but should not be the end all resource for prepairing for marriage.
Instead, I’d recommend Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller or You and Me Forever by Francis Chan.
My fiancé and I have made it a point to intentionally pursue marriage from the beginning, so we have dedicated perhaps more time to prepairing ourselves for this next step than other couples, but I can’t help but feel that this book is somewhat juvenile. My fiancé and I found the worksheets to be similar to what we had already talked through by going through 101 Questions Before You Get Engaged. This was affirming, yet also makes us worried for couples who aren’t dating as intentionally as we have been. We felt as though many of the conversations prompted in the book should have been had even before engagement. (So this book is probably a better read for a couple in the dating phase, not the engagement phase).
I’d love to see more references to the Holy Spirit and his role in our marriages, and less of the legalistic and contractual ‘covenants’ and ‘commitments’ that are littered throughout the book.
It’s also worth noting that this book is written and edited by men, with little to no mention of wives making contributions. I think this is a tad concerning.
All in all, this is a good resource for a couple that’s intentionally dating towards marriage, but should not be the end all resource for prepairing for marriage.
Instead, I’d recommend Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller or You and Me Forever by Francis Chan.
November 29, 2022
Update 2020: On first doing this study I had no problems with it. At least not that I remember. However, BIG RED FLAG!!! This book on marriage, a union between a man and a woman, is written by four men! Come on. I am pretty familiar with how things are done even in very conservative churches but there are books available that are conservative and still written by husband and wife. Please choose on of those. Also, please find one that will consider that men and women should be equally submissive, to each other and to Christ.
May 2, 2023
This book does an amazing job of preparing you and your fiancé for a God-glorifying marriage. Every chapter is rooted in biblical truths that are essential to know. It teaches you how to apply them to your marriage so you and your partner can be a reflection of Christ and His church. It makes you let go of unrealistic expectations and be completely honest about what a lifelong relationship will be like. This book truly did prepare me for marriage, and I’m so excited to get married in a month!
March 1, 2023
Went through this book with my soon-to-be wife and her pastor, who will be marrying us. It was a solid pre-marital counseling book, and helped us have a lot of conversations that we would not have had otherwise. Not because we were trying to hide or avoid anything, but because some things just would have never crossed our minds.
September 12, 2024
I enjoyed working through this book with David! It had great conversation starters and helped to shine a light on topics that we hadn’t verbalized yet like how much to spend on gifts for certain people or certain holidays. Obviously not a deal breaker but something that will come up.
We enjoyed the worksheets and I believe it will be nice to revisit them in the future. Overall we enjoyed working through this book!
The one odd part is that the book waits until you’re halfway through to bring up a chapter on red flags. If you’re halfway through this book, you already have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. Probably should start off the book with those questions! 4 stars
We enjoyed the worksheets and I believe it will be nice to revisit them in the future. Overall we enjoyed working through this book!
The one odd part is that the book waits until you’re halfway through to bring up a chapter on red flags. If you’re halfway through this book, you already have a pretty good idea of what’s going on. Probably should start off the book with those questions! 4 stars
May 6, 2025
Consider me counselled. 18 DAYS!
December 29, 2009
This makes a pretty substantial case for the necessity of looking at things God's way... Nobody knows how a thing works better than the manufacturer! As I read this, part of me wished this could be adapted somehow for people who aren't Christians, then I realized that there's no way to health and wholeness apart from submission to God, who made us and fashioned us for his purposes, covenant relationship being one of them. I agree with the person who said this isn't an "all-the-answers" book. It does just what a book like this should: inspire responsible thought and discussion.
February 21, 2018
Giving this book three stars does not mean I think it is "worse" than Gone Girl. In fact the protagonists of that novel could have tried reading it before they got married, though there is something incorrigible about them that doesn't inspire confidence. No, this gets three stars in relation to a rather different set of intellectual, moral and aesthetic fields.
What is it? Well, it is largely made up of questionnaires or worksheets designed to get people to reflect on themselves, their backgrounds, their hopes, their expectations, what have you. Taken together they are pretty comprehensive, and if taken seriously and discussed in a grown-up way with the person you are planning to marry, and even better in a foursome/group with some people who have been married for a while so might have some wisdom on the subject, then there is much profit in them. [We have done bits of marriage counselling, marriage preparation, theological teaching about relationships in Britain and in China over the years, and are using this book as a framework at the request of the couples we are currently meeting with, partly because it is available in a cheap Chinese edition at the moment, so I have a certain amount of theoretical and experiential knowledge in this area, though expertise is far off.]
"Preparing for Marriage" contains some light commentary on the questinonaires, some prompts, and sensible advice. A book like this ought to be getting five stars: there is a lot of good stuff here, and it seems pitched fairly well for people who don't love reading, so I'm not going to criticise it for being too slight - it's aiming to catch a wide audience, and Rainey and his editors can't be expected to aim at academics in their writing style or the fanciness of their content. Also in its favour is chapter two, on what getting/being married means: accepting your spouse (attitude of continual acceptance, trust in God, not criticism of bad habits); leaving your parents (dependence and allegiance); cleave to your spouse (framework and stance of unconditional commitment, anything else breeds anxiety and mistrust); becoming one flesh (plenty of sex but pursue a oneness that is beyond that). So far so orthodox, and helpful.
Alas the main flaw was in chapter one. How you can write a Christian book about marriage and never refer to Ephesians 5, which, among other things, says: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her..."!? There is so much theology, ethics and psychology involved in unpacking that verse, and it is soooo foundational for a Christian view of marriage, and yet the book of Ephesians is never even mentioned by Rainey! Instead, he builds almost the whole constructive theological content (which is slender in this book, but, again, the problem is not really the brevity so much as the massive lacunae) on a partial misreading of the opening chapters of Genesis.
Chapter One, "Why Marriage?", tells us of the three purposes of marriage: 1. mutually complete one another; 2. multiply a godly legacy; 3. mirror God's image. To be blunt, 1. is simply false, and is uncritically based on some derivative romanticised pop-culture anti-Christian psycho-anthropological model of personhood (nb. unmarried people are perfectly "complete"; the Son of God incarnate being a fairly useful example if we need to go there). 2. is actually OK, and Rainey briefly allows for infertility and couples being involved in the nurture and care of others, young and old. 3. another major booboo here, he simply doesn't get what Genesis says about the image of God (representative rule, delegated authority, stewardship, the individual-in-community, might be able to stretch it to discuss gender diversity, even creativity, etc, etc cf. millennia of theological discussion about this...) if he thinks that the marriage relationship mirrors this in any special way. Biblical-theological writing about the marriage relationship is never linked to the image of God; had Rainey got as far as Ephesians (see above) he would have seen that there are indeed vitally important Christian teachings that are linked to marriage, but if you close the Bible after looking at its first few pages you aren't going to spot that. To be clear, single people as fully bear the image of God as married people do.
As an interesting comparison, here are the purposes of marriage according to two versions produced by a certain venerable Protestant denominational family:
1559
1. Procreation and nurture of children.
2. Remedy against sin and fornication.
3. Mutual society, help and comfort.
1979
1. Mutual joy (a much more positive way of expressing 1559.2!)
2. Help and comfort.
3. Procreation and nurture.
The same purposes, just in a different order. Whether one order is more Biblical and more truly Christian, or each is in this respect simply a reflection of its age, I pass over without comment ;-)
Rainey's book is at this point definitely reflecting a contemporary kind of christianity-lite. Yup, small 'c'. Maybe that's an attempt to broaden the readership, indeed much of this book could be read and used by plenty of non-Christians or cultural Christians or whatever mainstream US society is these days. But there are more faithful ways to produce something for that wide an audience. Aside from the glaring exegetical and theological errors, it just seems perverse to ignore the hefty voices of traditional formulations in defining marriage, and, compounding that, a real shame to pluck out some naff buzzwords to stand in for them.
What is it? Well, it is largely made up of questionnaires or worksheets designed to get people to reflect on themselves, their backgrounds, their hopes, their expectations, what have you. Taken together they are pretty comprehensive, and if taken seriously and discussed in a grown-up way with the person you are planning to marry, and even better in a foursome/group with some people who have been married for a while so might have some wisdom on the subject, then there is much profit in them. [We have done bits of marriage counselling, marriage preparation, theological teaching about relationships in Britain and in China over the years, and are using this book as a framework at the request of the couples we are currently meeting with, partly because it is available in a cheap Chinese edition at the moment, so I have a certain amount of theoretical and experiential knowledge in this area, though expertise is far off.]
"Preparing for Marriage" contains some light commentary on the questinonaires, some prompts, and sensible advice. A book like this ought to be getting five stars: there is a lot of good stuff here, and it seems pitched fairly well for people who don't love reading, so I'm not going to criticise it for being too slight - it's aiming to catch a wide audience, and Rainey and his editors can't be expected to aim at academics in their writing style or the fanciness of their content. Also in its favour is chapter two, on what getting/being married means: accepting your spouse (attitude of continual acceptance, trust in God, not criticism of bad habits); leaving your parents (dependence and allegiance); cleave to your spouse (framework and stance of unconditional commitment, anything else breeds anxiety and mistrust); becoming one flesh (plenty of sex but pursue a oneness that is beyond that). So far so orthodox, and helpful.
Alas the main flaw was in chapter one. How you can write a Christian book about marriage and never refer to Ephesians 5, which, among other things, says: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her..."!? There is so much theology, ethics and psychology involved in unpacking that verse, and it is soooo foundational for a Christian view of marriage, and yet the book of Ephesians is never even mentioned by Rainey! Instead, he builds almost the whole constructive theological content (which is slender in this book, but, again, the problem is not really the brevity so much as the massive lacunae) on a partial misreading of the opening chapters of Genesis.
Chapter One, "Why Marriage?", tells us of the three purposes of marriage: 1. mutually complete one another; 2. multiply a godly legacy; 3. mirror God's image. To be blunt, 1. is simply false, and is uncritically based on some derivative romanticised pop-culture anti-Christian psycho-anthropological model of personhood (nb. unmarried people are perfectly "complete"; the Son of God incarnate being a fairly useful example if we need to go there). 2. is actually OK, and Rainey briefly allows for infertility and couples being involved in the nurture and care of others, young and old. 3. another major booboo here, he simply doesn't get what Genesis says about the image of God (representative rule, delegated authority, stewardship, the individual-in-community, might be able to stretch it to discuss gender diversity, even creativity, etc, etc cf. millennia of theological discussion about this...) if he thinks that the marriage relationship mirrors this in any special way. Biblical-theological writing about the marriage relationship is never linked to the image of God; had Rainey got as far as Ephesians (see above) he would have seen that there are indeed vitally important Christian teachings that are linked to marriage, but if you close the Bible after looking at its first few pages you aren't going to spot that. To be clear, single people as fully bear the image of God as married people do.
As an interesting comparison, here are the purposes of marriage according to two versions produced by a certain venerable Protestant denominational family:
1559
1. Procreation and nurture of children.
2. Remedy against sin and fornication.
3. Mutual society, help and comfort.
1979
1. Mutual joy (a much more positive way of expressing 1559.2!)
2. Help and comfort.
3. Procreation and nurture.
The same purposes, just in a different order. Whether one order is more Biblical and more truly Christian, or each is in this respect simply a reflection of its age, I pass over without comment ;-)
Rainey's book is at this point definitely reflecting a contemporary kind of christianity-lite. Yup, small 'c'. Maybe that's an attempt to broaden the readership, indeed much of this book could be read and used by plenty of non-Christians or cultural Christians or whatever mainstream US society is these days. But there are more faithful ways to produce something for that wide an audience. Aside from the glaring exegetical and theological errors, it just seems perverse to ignore the hefty voices of traditional formulations in defining marriage, and, compounding that, a real shame to pluck out some naff buzzwords to stand in for them.
March 6, 2021
Completely missing the female perspective. Badly edited and incoherent. Reads like the authors all took a chapter without consulting on content so that topics overlap and fail to build. The fictional case study is an assault on intelligence. Fails to give constructive tips on important topics like setting and maintaining a budget or how to fight fairly. Fell far short of even minimal standards for premarital counseling.
September 10, 2013
Jordan and I went through this book before we were engaged - it was a great tool for us. Great conversation starter & interesting topics to think about that perhaps not all couples grapple with (but should) prior to tying the knot. We also went through it in a group/mentor setting that was very helpful, although it is set up so that a couple could do it alone.
September 7, 2012
So far so good, working through this book, its partially a workbook to go through with your future spouse
March 6, 2021
Not only was the book not helpful, but it actively detracted from time that could have been usefully spent.
August 16, 2022
This book had wonderful perspectives on God’s design for marriage, backed up by Bible verses. It provided rich conversation between my fiancé and I with our mentors. With that said, there were some major red flags that made me want to throw out the book.. specifically about God’s purpose for sex. The author listed three purposes. One of which I believe is falsely interpreted from scripture. Another about roles within a marriage. (This stance is simply a difference of opinion.) Lastly, the author begins with sharing a story of how he met his wife which was initially his best friends girlfriend. It’s didn’t set a good tone for me when beginning the book.
We were lucky enough to have mentors that openly heard our concerns and shared similar view points. I hope that anyone asked to read this before getting married has open communication with their partner and leaders.
We were lucky enough to have mentors that openly heard our concerns and shared similar view points. I hope that anyone asked to read this before getting married has open communication with their partner and leaders.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 28, 2025
Tried to use this to start my marriage off on a good foot. It was helpful but it needs a LOT more about figuring out if this person is trying to control you and abuse you. Then what to do if you think that this what is happening not that your in love chemicals are going to listen but please try! It does have a lot of good questions to ask and to think through. Please PLEASE keep doing the work to be a healthy partner & look at other NOT Christian preparing for marriage type books like John Gottman's books.
this was a better book then the one they gave us for our "marriage" counseling. Do try to find non Biblical counselors!! Get people trained in counseling & abuse just to make sure that is NOT what you are heading into!!
this was a better book then the one they gave us for our "marriage" counseling. Do try to find non Biblical counselors!! Get people trained in counseling & abuse just to make sure that is NOT what you are heading into!!
May 30, 2025
This deep dive into preparing for marriage is pretty much out of print by now, as I’m preparing to get married in 2025, and the advice feels a little outdated in places. It is well researched with Bible verses that communicate God’s expectations for marriage, how to have a Christ-centered marriage, etc. It tackled most topics in an informative, non-judgmental way. There were some things, however, that sat the wrong way. Like there are separate questions for those who have been previously married, that are very much along the lines of “Why did you destroy your last marriage?” And while reflecting on that is valuable, the way it was asked felt a bit insensitive, and it came up every single chapter.
September 10, 2022
My fiancé and I went through this book with a couple for our premarital counseling. The book states that is a good pre-engagement book and pre-marital book, but I would argue it’s better for pre-engagement alone. It lacks a lot of depth in topics such as finances and sex, which tend to be harder issues to talk to already. All that aside, it does a great job of giving talking prompts for the future fiancés to talk about. This book would be best supplemented with another book.
Other nitpicks: Using wording that husband and wife “complete” each other and other questionable language, lacking depth on topics like submission, placement of certain topics, outdated “purity” covenant
Other nitpicks: Using wording that husband and wife “complete” each other and other questionable language, lacking depth on topics like submission, placement of certain topics, outdated “purity” covenant
December 1, 2016
Good book for marriage prep; I've used this book and the corresponding leaders guide for conducting pre-marital counseling for another couple. This is a very practical book and I found it to really helpful but I would also recommend additional resources in preparing for marriage as this book is a little light on how marriage and the designed roles of husband and wife are designed to mirror Christ's never ending love for the church.
August 2, 2017
2.5 stars. This book wasn't bad - it really was okay, in the strictest sense of the GR 2 star rating description. It's more of a workbook than a read, with a ton of pretty lengthy writing and interactive exercises throughout. Sarah and I found that in our pre-martial counseling sessions and through reading Tim & Kathy Keller's The Meaning of Marriage, many of the topics covered in this book (and more) were addressed. Because of that, we decided to not finish it.
March 17, 2019
There is a lot to be gained from this book. However, it is written and edited by only men. There were several chapters that gave pages of information about male role and behaviors, while only discussing females in a paragraph or two. The "jokes" were painfully unfunny. There are nuggets of wisdom in this book, but my fiance and I wouldn't recommend it.
February 7, 2020
The book was just ok. Not bad, but not amazing either. HOWEVER, the extensive work-sheets were VERY helpful and thorough in making sure a couple has talked over everything before jumping into marriage. Even the smaller, everyday things like how you are expecting to split up house chores, etc. Really great for discussion.
September 1, 2020
I enjoyed this. I actually was assigned to read this with my fiance by her pastor. Aside from its focus on God, the couple's projects and activities were very helpful going into marriage. It made us communicate on new levels. I highly recommend for people who want to strengthen their relationships. Just keep in mind that there is probably too much focus on religion.
June 28, 2023
Very intense and thorough. I would use this book for premarital counseling if it is the main source of the couple's pre-marital counseling. I would consider it too much for pre-engagement counseling. The authors recommend 2 hours between sessions of time on homework and 2 weeks between sessions (so 16 weeks).
January 13, 2024
Are you in love with someone and he/she doesn't reciprocate the gesture or frustrated because of a break up then you can use this to attract that lover into your life. It brings back your ex and help solve broken marriages. Life is too short to be unhappy. Think about that. Contact him on your marriage/relationship issues via Email prophetmiraclelovespell@gmail.com or WhatsApp +234 905 7718 445.
September 7, 2018
Awesome pre marriage book. I highly recommend it for all couples. This book dives deep and will challenge you and your fiancé. The material was great, especially the couple projects you do in the book.
March 19, 2024
Honestly, pretty good but only if you haven’t talked to your fiancé about a lot of the subjects. Pretty shallow if you have a good relationship with your significant other going into counseling and have had most of the conversations already like I did.
June 12, 2017
Comprehensive, biblical and very practical. This is THE most helpful book I've come across for christian couples preparing for marriage.
June 14, 2017
Disagreed with some points. But still enjoyed the steps they take you through.
July 15, 2017
Cheesy as all get out, but definitely prepared us for marriage by forcing us to discuss our expectations and talk about things we didn't even think about discussing!!!
August 9, 2017
i m still reading
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