Expectation Hangover: Free Yourself Your Past, Change Your Present & Get What you Really Want

by Chistine Hassler

New Book

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Business, Mental Health, Personal Growth

244 pages, Hardcover

First published June 10, 2014

Reviews

[J Crossley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an awesome book. It is filled with ways to deal with your expectation hangovers, and how to reduce future hangovers. An "expectation hangover" is the group of feelings that we have when we have been disappointed. Some are worse than others. Some expectations are ones that we see as encompassing our views of life. When we have a hangover with those, we really suffer.

Christine provides ways to reframe our expectations and how to address our losses. She provides meditations and exercises so that you can come to terms with what is truly bothering you. One of the downsides of a hangover is that previous hangovers that we did not address are brought up in your current hangover. That makes the symptoms worse. By working through previous issues, we lessen the impact of our disappointments.

Finally, she provides ways that we can live our lives to lessen the effects of our disappointments, how to put things into perspective, and how to heal ourselves. I really got a lot out of this book.

[Yohta Shimizu]

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But not facing our disappointment and apprehension about taking a step forward is far more damaging than anything we are afraid of. Ultimate fulfillment is only possible when we change the habituated thoughts and responses that keep us at a very base, survival level. You want to thrive, not just survive, don’t you?
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It begins with asking “What am I learning?” rather than “Why is this happening?” This question opens your mind to possibility and gets you out of feeling like a victim of your life.
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An expectation is defined as “an eager anticipation for something to happen.” A goal is defined as “a purpose or objective.” When we are clinging to expectations, we are waiting for something to happen and giving our power away. As we start to identify and release our expectations, we can take more empowering steps toward achieving our goals, with a clear sense of purpose.
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Things don’t turn out the way you thought, planned, or wanted them to. • Things do turn out according to your plans and desires, but you don’t feel the fulfillment you expected. • You are unable to meet your personal and/or professional expectations. • An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what you wanted or planned.
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Not getting our desired outcome is one of the seemingly cruel ways the Universe teaches us the lesson that the journey of life is more important than the destination.
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In fact, I think control has become the master addiction. But the truth is we really don’t have complete control over our lives, and nothing illuminates that truth more brightly than an Expectation Hangover.
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We think our happiness comes from getting what we want, and we often pursue our expectations at the cost of our health, relationships, and most of all, the present moment.
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The truth is that every circumstance or situation is for your Highest Good — even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. The Universe does not punish, test, or keep a list of good/bad and right/wrong behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong.
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Not clinging to fixed ideals helps you see more clearly because your vision is not obstructed by fear or desire.
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When we don’t like what is happening, we often assume that we just need a new set of circumstances. A new job, a new city, a new relationship, a new car — “the next best thing.” Even if you move to a new city, get a new job, start a new relationship, or invest in a big purchase, that external thing is only a replacement, not a solution, because you’re still carrying around all the unresolved internal issues from your Expectation Hangover.
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What is key to understand is that acceptance does not mean you condone or agree with what happened. Rather, acceptance means you stop trying to make meaning out of what happened or didn’t happen, and you put aside the opinion that things should or shouldn’t have gone a certain way. Acceptance means letting go of judgment and your attachment to labeling things “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong.”
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This exercise will help you move into acceptance so you can complete the treatment plan in part 2 effectively.
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You have emotions, but you are not your emotions. You have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts. You have a body, but you are not your body. You have relationships, a career, and belongings, but you are not your relationships, your career, or your belongings. You are a spiritual being having a human experience.
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GUIDED VISUALIZATION Connecting to Your Internal Compass
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We rely on ineffective coping strategies. We complain about our outer circumstances because we forget we have the power to change our inner experience at any time.
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Commit to learning new things. Develop skills that do not come naturally to you. Treating your Expectation Hangovers is not about changing your reality, but about changing your reaction and responses to it so that true transformation occurs.
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There are two things to consider as you journey through the emotional treatment plan for your Expectation Hangover. First, don’t compare your life experience to anyone else’s. You may think it’s silly to cry over being laid off when you know someone who just lost a child to cancer. It is not: your experience is your experience.
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Second, expect that the symptoms triggered by your Expectation Hangover will be tied to feelings you stuffed away in your past. Expectation Hangovers catalyze feelings that you have been unwilling or unable to face before.
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The first step in treating your Expectation Hangover on the emotional level is to become aware of how and when you began suppressing your feelings.
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GUIDED VISUALIZATION Connecting with Your Own Compassion
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When you experience a negative feeling, instead of attempting to ignore it or make it go away, simply acknowledge it in the moment. You do this by inwardly saying to the feeling, “Hello [insert whatever feeling is present].
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When we buy into the beliefs of our story, we are buying into misunderstandings that perpetuate Expectation Hangovers on the mental level. Breaking free of your story takes conscious attention.
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Bottom line: neurons that fire together, wire together. You can learn to stimulate different parts of your own brain, which will improve your well-being and functioning. This will make more sense
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Would you consider being in a relationship in which the other person is constantly telling you what’s wrong with you? Absolutely not! So why tolerate that kind of relationship with yourself? Or perhaps you think being hard on yourself is an effective way to produce external results because your negative self talk drives you to get things done. However, using the voice of your inner critic to fuel you is like putting the cheapest gas into a high-performance sports car. The car would still start, but it would not perform optimally; and the cheap gas would wear the engine down over time. Does that mean filling your mind with pep talks will make it perform at its best? Not necessarily.
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All of us at times fall into the trap of making assumptions. But what is actually true is that believing thoughts that make us feel bad continues to make us feel bad.
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We have to be willing to put in the effort, especially when things get difficult, rather than allowing our desire for variety to lead us to mislabel something as having reached its expiration date. That said, the expectation of forever creates tunnel vision that can be limiting. Our life curriculum is diverse, and just as we moved from one grade to the next in school, we often move from one relationship, job, or other situation to the next in our lives. You do not have to linger in the unpleasant symptoms of an Expectation Hangover when you know a situation is complete. It may be time to throw away the yogurt.
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I caution you from buying into the belief that if you figure out what is next for you, you will cure your Expectation Hangover and the anxiety that comes with it.
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The people in your life are too precious to worry about — send them loving energy and positive thoughts instead. Your time is too precious to waste on fear-based thoughts.
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First, it is important to understand that only about 5 to 10 percent of what most of us do in any given day is driven by our conscious awareness. By “conscious” I mean that we are actively aware of the choices we are making that drive behavior.
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Asking for help is often the strongest thing you can do. Conversely, there are some boundaries you need to set and hold yourself to when dealing with others. Saying no to someone else’s expectations of you can be
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a way of saying yes to yourself. Remember, your job is to take care of yourself, and setting healthy boundaries with others is an act of self-love.
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Or maybe because you are obsessing about needing more money, you do not see all the ways you are already abundant, such as in health, helpful people, and opportunities. Attachment to the rules we make about how things “should” look creates tunnel vision, blind spots, and lots of unnecessary suffering!
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“If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” — Jon Stewart
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In your journal make a list of all the values you want to move toward. Write down everything that comes to mind — don’t worry about narrowing it down immediately. When creating your list, remember it is for you.
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Shift your vision beyond the task at hand to why you are ultimately doing the task. Use Horseback Rider Rx to redirect your thoughts toward a positive future fantasy that inspires you. Instead of telling yourself you have to do something, tell yourself you choose to, get to, or want to do it because it is a step toward your core values and dreams.
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“How you relate to the issue is the issue.”
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Spend some time reflecting on what your greatest Expectation Hangovers (as a source of suffering in your life) have been, then respond to the following questions in your journal.
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Remember that we grow through struggle, so just when you settle into your comfort zone, unexpected disruption may be around the corner. Keep in mind that everyone else is working through their own curriculum and will do things that you may find upsetting. Manage your expectations by becoming more and more aware of when you are falling into the illusion of control or when/then thinking and when you are expecting too much.
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Involvement is the degree to which we proactively participate in the pursuit of our goals. Attachment is the degree to which our well-being, sense of worthiness, happiness, and peace of mind are dependent on reaching our goals. We create attachment whenever we become invested in a desired outcome, plan, or opinion. When we have any degree of attachment, we have expectations. And when we have expectations, we can have — you guessed it — Expectation Hangovers.
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People pleasing is different because it involves an attachment to someone else’s reaction. And as you’ve learned, when there is attachment, there is a high risk of an Expectation Hangover.
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You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person, but I am going to offer you a radical reframe of people pleasing: it’s selfish to be a people pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you. You want to be liked. You do not want to upset anyone. You want to look good for others. You are protecting yourself from confrontation. Furthermore, you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you truly are. And by doing all those things, you are keeping yourself, your light, and your love from the world — and that is selfish.
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We cannot change people. I repeat: we cannot change people. This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life, such as a parent or romantic partner, to be able to satisfy your cravings. However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. Other people are not wrong if they don’t live up to your expectations; they are who they are. Accept what they do have to offer you.
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All expectations are created because we want something. Expectations will melt away the instant we switch our mind-set from “What can I get?” to “What can I give?”
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Enjoy your friends and family and spend time with those you love while you can. Be happy and content with what you have, always, and don’t constantly look for the next thing. Remember that success is not about the money, the house, the car, the trips and travel and diamonds; it is about how you live.”
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“I say thank you for everything. Great food, warm shower, comfy clothes, wonderful smells…everything! When my feet hit the floor in the morning, I say thank you for each foot. I have always been in such a rush in life. My Expectation Hangover taught me to slow down and not only smell the air, but be grateful for each breath.”
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[Gayatri · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh, I would give this a 2.5 out of 5 stars. It was really underwhelming. I should've noted what the other reviewers were saying, which is that it seemed like a bunch of disjointed internet articles mashed into one. Hassler must be a good article writer, but that skill definitely doesn't transfer over to writing books. I wish writers knew that, or I would hope that her book editor would have told her so.

There are also annoying quotes sprinkled in literally everywhere, definitely one per page but sadly also more sometimes. Again, this would've been fine if it was an online or newspaper article, because that odd formatting is expected to keep a reader's attention, but not for a book. It just ruined the pacing and I found myself ignoring them more often. Plus, they often only seemed vaguely linked to what she had written about in a particular section.

Lastly, on the actual material of this book, I understand she's a transpersonal psychologist but frankly the spirituality seemed all over the place. I'm quite a spiritual person myself, reading from various branches of thought, but my practice and beliefs are grounded in yoga/Buddhist philosophy. This could likely be critique of transpersonal psychology at large (as I've tried diving into other such materials) but it seemed ungrounded and pulled out of thin air.

This would clearly give a skepticist or atheist the most cringe-worthy material to solve their "expectation hangover." I'm not even one of them and I can understand why they think the way they do about spiritual advice like that contained in this book. Honestly, no one would even expect this to be about spirituality and yet that was the one screaming theme holding all this book's arguments together. Also, lumping "work, love and life" is a ginormous feat to solve people's disappointments for.

If you're looking for a more grounded and spiritual version of a disappointment cure, I suggest a book called A Return to Love. It's based off of A Course in Miracles, which is based on metaphorical readings of the Bible and Christianity overall. Since that book is two-off from the original Christian text, it's not so dogmatic and yet it's still grounded in its basis of interpretation. Intelligent readers should be able to extract what they need from this book, while also remaining skeptical (as should everyone) about the particular downfalls of this branch of belief. But again, it's a benefit to be grounded in something so a reader may be aware of what their specific skepticisms are.

[Char Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was absolutely life changing for me. I believe that everyone should read it! Even if you don’t feel like you are going through something this book will pull everything out from your childhood, and will show you what shaped you into who you are now. It’s helped me really get out of the past and learn how to deal with the things I have been through in my past so they don’t effect my future. I now live very presently and even if I go off track I have the tools to use to get me back to the present and deal with emotions. It teaches you to ride through hurt and pain and emotions instead of ignoring them. Life changing book! A MUST READ!!!

[Bonnie Staughton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm marking this book as "finished" but I really need to go back and re-read parts and do the exercises provided by the author, Christine Hassler. I didn't understand ALL of this book but the stories Christine gave as "examples" helped a lot. Although this isn't a big book, it takes awhile to read and grasp what the author is trying to explain. I did get a lot out of this but, as I say, it may need a re-reread for me to truly understand all that Christine writes about "Expectation Hangovers".

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has developed a strong concept: expectation hangover. This concept explores how the expectations of our lives and ourselves are inaccurate and damaging. Therefore the challenge is how we manage the consequences of our expectations.

There are some strategies to manage this hangover. These are relatively conventional. But the concept itself is productive.

[Stephanie Zeuli · Rating 3 out of 5]

The message is drawn out, but good. Techniques worth learning. Read the book; skip the audio. If you’ve listened to Christine Hassler and you know her soothing voice, the audio by someone else will be painful to get through.

[Jen]

Loved this book! Hit home on so many levels

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very solid self help book. Not a lot of earth shattering new breakthroughs, but enough good stuff to ponder.

[Jennifer Kirkwood (Levac)]

review to come soon

[Dan Schell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in a day. It was so useful, I have changed the direction of both my educational and career goals. Highly recommended if you're looking for positive change in your life.

[Ankita Sharma · Rating 3 out of 5]

we are born with no expectations , but first reality check in the form of fear - where we feel alone and desperate , in case we are disappointed in our early life with something- we don’t get.

To manage the expectations, we are start doing - what we feel will make us feel loved or worth again !

We create expectations …that then become our compass !!

1. Situational expectation hangover - if you tried for something, but you don’t get that joy ( like a company you want to work for so bad, but you are not that happy doing the work)
2.

We get caught up in thinking how to make future better, just to avoid the misery of low happiness level in the current life - because you aren’t enjoying even if you thought you would.

Type of expectation hangover

1. Not getting job you wanted
2. Not feeling happy after doing something you love
3. Feeling lost in life , or a failure in life

Treatment plans
1. We can just control - “how we react to something”
2. Replace fear of unknown with curiosity -
“control is an illusion”
2. Your comfort zone is a trap !! We only take steps beyond it - if we have made a list of pros and cons. - we try to avoid sadness, shame and anger
3. “When- then” fallacy syndrome , when this happens - then I will be happy
4. Don’t use “pep talk” and use positive thoughts to reprimand oneself , and suddenly go to corrective mode - isn’t good way to self love !! Give yourself space to understand what went wrong and try to register so to improve from that experience in the future
5. Awareness means having knowledge or cognizance of your personality .
6. Acceptance over resistance . Don’t judge or resist - but just see reality as is. - acceptance means getting over the urge to label everything as “good,bad or neutral” acceptance just means releasing resistance- doesn’t mean you have to like something !! Finite disappoint should be accepted, but we should never leave infinite hope
7. Be your best guide- Listen to all external guidance. Look inside for evaluation, and come to the best guidance.
8. Strong emotions , negative emotions - doesn’t mean we need to run out of it fast !! Don’t avoid feelings - but “experience” it - stop resisting . ACCEPTANCE is easier than denial.
9. Don’t compare your life experience to anybody else’s- many things are different between your and someone else life. Everyone’s life is very different.
10. Stop crying , don’t be over sensitive is we say to get ourself or someone else from deeper strong negative emotions , ….don’t jump to distract from negative emotions , try to understand and process emotions.
11. Consistently looking for external thing to be happier, passionless, feeling bla, snapping at people - is pent up anger, disappointment in one’s life.
12. Writing out your emotions helps !! Rip up the paper , do not attempt to read it
13. Believe !! Strong belief attracts strong reality
14. Events matter little. Only story of events affect us , and is our reality.

Keep your values intact, but set your expectations free !!

Past hacking , future dreaming - causes expectation hangover.

[Jen Melham · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF. Maybe it’s because I’ve been working on my mental health for the last two years or maybe it’s because I’m Agnostic, but I just couldn’t get through this. Too much "woo woo" stuff and not enough practicality, even though the concept is totally there (which is why I'm not rating it a 1 or 2).

There were waaaaaaaaaaaay too many anecdotes and exercises. Get to the dang point already.

I actually REALLY liked the first chapter. I resonated with the message of what the author calls an expectation hangover. I think what she teaches is very in line with the coaching I’ve been through, which is very CBT-oriented. The first couple of exercises were also super helpful, and gave me hope that I was going to love this book!

As I read on, the message seemed a bit contradictory. She gives you tips on how to feel disappointment, accept and allow it, but then also says her advice is meant to help you "get over" disappointment "faster." So, which is it?

I think for a faith-based person who wants to get a handle on and start accepting all their emotions, this can be a great book. But I was disappointed (and am okay with feeling that, ha!) to have spent the money on what could have been communicated in a well-written blog post.

[Pallav]

Acknowledgement is underrated, action is overrated. I skipped the audio part and exercises, read the rest. The breakdown of addressal into behavioral, emotional, mental and spiritual part is appropiate, however dept of the past can also be felt in the physicality of our bodies, something which deserves its own chapter.

I do not have an expectation hangover, so its a good recipe for "future hangovers".

A lot of what is explained as the causes of this hangover, can be attributed to the rules we create in our social construct for us to follow. We made them. We follow them. Even when no one is looking. And then we complexity our recipe, and is detached at the end because we expected a differeent taste to life. How this recipe of rules work for us indivisually is a good example of how software automation process works on recipes. Afterall, whatever we have created..our constructs.. is a reflection of ourselves.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an extremely helpful book at the time I read it. I was looking for relief from some very specific disappointments and this book provided a thorough, detailed academic approach, which works very well for me when I want to feel like I'm doing something concrete to improve a situation. The exercises provided ample opportunity for internal reflection and personal growth. I was motivated to complete them, but to get the most out of it I had to pace myself, which was why this book took a long time to complete. Well worth the effort.

I've recommended it and even given it as a gift to friends. Their feedback has been that they are very drawn into the content and strongly relate to it, but when they reach the exercises they set it aside for when they have time and then haven't gotten to it. I guess each reader's level of motivation depends on personal circumstances at the time, and I discovered this book at the right time for me.

[Susan Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really hoping this helps me with my expectation hangover/deep disappointment of marriage and having a home that is complete. I have worked through the workbook questions and still feel at a loss for the bullshit I've endured. I know full well that I am the one full of resentment and hoping the other party will change, which is in affect me taking poison hoping something will happen to the other person. I still don't feel like I can turn it around at this point.

[Joe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent advice of the sort that you forget almost immediately after you read it and do the exercises. I listened to a podcast on which Ms. Hassler was a guest and came away impressed, but this book isn't really what I was looking for in spite of its title and premise being very relevant to my life right now. Oh well.

[Samantha Nowatzke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of good nuggets of wisdom in this book reminding us that even when we have accomplished things we thought would make us happy, we may still find ourselves without the level of joy we're looking for. We all have things that resurface when we least expect them too. It's important to work through issues and recognize what failures and unmet expectations have to teach us.

[Maddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel there are a lot of good and useful exercises in this book to prevent disappointment from expectations you didn't even realize you had. I found my mind wandering during the audiobook as it felt repetitive at times. Overall, good read. Recommended if you find yourself a sufferer of expectation hangovers.

[Kim Kauzlarich · Rating 5 out of 5]

My rating is slightly biased since I absolutely love Christine Hasslers podcast. She is a queen who has taught me so much over the years, and provided me with profound ah-ha-type moments when I needed them most.

That being said, I do think this book is pretty great! I love the balanced emotional/behavioral/psychological/spiritual approach to navigating disappointment.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this multiple times in preparation for writing my book, Crazy, as Usual. My husband has always told me that disappointment is a product of my expectations and Lissa validated he was right. The research was surprising and the stories helped me feel understood for the first time. I quoted her in my book and bought several copies to gift to others.

[CindyGil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting topics and suggestions for addressing what can cause us stress and disappointment. I wish there was an added lens into the experience of people who are left out or limited by educational, judicial, religious, and other sometimes discriminatory systems. Some of these experiences cannot be overcome by getting over resulting “hangovers.”

[Zac Durber · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written in an engaging way with relevant stories. Useful for those that haven't much exposure to life-coaching and their techniques. However, would caution about using this without seeing a professional as the info here is not referenced and is very much anecdotal.

[Rebecca Moore · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great book and resource though I wasn't really in a place to put the teachings in to practice. I love Christine's podcast (Over it and On with It) which is why I read the book. I may come back to it in the future in times of difficulty.

[Jess Macallan · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars

[Janie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I heard the author give a podcast interview and I sought out her book. I was very disappointed in the book! Life's quotidian ironies.

[Natalia Watt · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

[Cheyenne · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great self help book. This books goes over what many other self help books do but also had some different perspectives. The only down side is that certain chapters drag on longer than necessary.

[Diana · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good thoughts but lots of talking about herself and her own journey, which interrupts the flow.

[Karina Pineda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think more people should know of this book. Though it isn't a perfect book, the idea itself needs more attention and many people could benefit from such a book that guides you on how to move forward from your hang-ups.