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Facing Grief
In 1674, two years after his second wife s death, John Flavel published A Token for Mourners . In it he meditates on the words of Luke 7:13: 'And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, 'Weep not.' From this verse the author helps the reader to think about grief, distinguishing 'moderate' sorrow from 'immoderate'. He spells out what is appropriate for a Christian mourner and what is not. This book is full of Scripture, counsel, warning, and wisdom gained from prayerful reflection on the personal experience of affliction in loss and grief.
A best-seller for more than 150 years in both Britain and America, this little book gave much comfort to generations of Christian parents who suffered the heart-breaking experience of the loss of children.
Now republished as Facing Counsel for Mourners , this attractive new edition makes Flavel's Token accessible once again in the form in which it knew such popularity a small book, just the right size for carrying, and reading slowly, with meditation, reflection and prayer.
A best-seller for more than 150 years in both Britain and America, this little book gave much comfort to generations of Christian parents who suffered the heart-breaking experience of the loss of children.
Now republished as Facing Counsel for Mourners , this attractive new edition makes Flavel's Token accessible once again in the form in which it knew such popularity a small book, just the right size for carrying, and reading slowly, with meditation, reflection and prayer.
136 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2010
36 people are currently reading
279 people want to read
About the author
John Flavel
329 books87 followers"John Flavel (c.1627–1691) was an English Presbyterian clergyman, puritan, and author.
Flavel, the eldest son of the Rev. Richard Flavel, described as 'a painful and eminent minister,' who was incumbent successively of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire, Hasler and Willersey, Gloucestershire (from which last living he was ejected in 1662), was born in or about 1627 at Bromsgrove.
Having received his early education at the schools of the neighbourhood, he entered University College, Oxford, at an early age, and gained a good reputation for talent and diligence.
On 27 April 1650, he was sent by 'the standing committee of Devon' to Diptford, a parish on the Avon, five miles from Totnes, where the minister, Mr. Walplate, had become infirm. On 17 October 1650, after examination and the preaching of a 'trial sermon,' he was ordained Mr. Walplate's assistant by the classis at Salisbury. He continued to minister at Diptford for about six years, succeeding the senior minister when he died, and endearing himself greatly to the people, not only by his earnestness, but by his easy dealings with them in the matter of tithes.
In 1656 he removed to Dartmouth, though the Diptford emoluments were much greater. On the passing of the Act of Uniformity (1662) he was ejected, but continued to preach in private until the Five Mile Act drove him from Dartmouth. He kept as near it, however, as possible, removing to Slapton, five miles off, and there preached twice each Sunday to all who came, among whom were many of his old parishioners. On the granting of the indulgence of 1671 he returned to Dartmouth, and continued to officiate there even after the liberty to do so was withdrawn. In the end he found himself obliged to remove to London, travelling by sea and narrowly escaping shipwreck in a storm, which is said to have ceased in answer to his prayers. Finding that he would be safer at Dartmouth he returned there, and met with his people nightly in his own house, until in 1687, on the relaxation of the penal laws, they built a meeting-house for him. Just before his death he acted as moderator at a meeting of dissenting ministers held at Topsham. He died suddenly of paralysis at Exeter on 26 June 1691, and was buried in Dartmouth churchyard. Wood bitterly comments on the violence of his dissent."
-- Wikipedia
Flavel, the eldest son of the Rev. Richard Flavel, described as 'a painful and eminent minister,' who was incumbent successively of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire, Hasler and Willersey, Gloucestershire (from which last living he was ejected in 1662), was born in or about 1627 at Bromsgrove.
Having received his early education at the schools of the neighbourhood, he entered University College, Oxford, at an early age, and gained a good reputation for talent and diligence.
On 27 April 1650, he was sent by 'the standing committee of Devon' to Diptford, a parish on the Avon, five miles from Totnes, where the minister, Mr. Walplate, had become infirm. On 17 October 1650, after examination and the preaching of a 'trial sermon,' he was ordained Mr. Walplate's assistant by the classis at Salisbury. He continued to minister at Diptford for about six years, succeeding the senior minister when he died, and endearing himself greatly to the people, not only by his earnestness, but by his easy dealings with them in the matter of tithes.
In 1656 he removed to Dartmouth, though the Diptford emoluments were much greater. On the passing of the Act of Uniformity (1662) he was ejected, but continued to preach in private until the Five Mile Act drove him from Dartmouth. He kept as near it, however, as possible, removing to Slapton, five miles off, and there preached twice each Sunday to all who came, among whom were many of his old parishioners. On the granting of the indulgence of 1671 he returned to Dartmouth, and continued to officiate there even after the liberty to do so was withdrawn. In the end he found himself obliged to remove to London, travelling by sea and narrowly escaping shipwreck in a storm, which is said to have ceased in answer to his prayers. Finding that he would be safer at Dartmouth he returned there, and met with his people nightly in his own house, until in 1687, on the relaxation of the penal laws, they built a meeting-house for him. Just before his death he acted as moderator at a meeting of dissenting ministers held at Topsham. He died suddenly of paralysis at Exeter on 26 June 1691, and was buried in Dartmouth churchyard. Wood bitterly comments on the violence of his dissent."
-- Wikipedia
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
March 25, 2019
Have never read a book so challenging regarding grief and the "immoderate" measures of grief that we, as Christians, oftentimes resort to after we lose a loved one (especially that of a child). One must slowly savor the morsels that Flavel parcels out on nearly every page in this book.
It convicted the fire out of me regarding our often flawed view of grief. If we really believed what we say we do regarding the supremacy of God in our lives and that of eternity, we would have a view of grief lined up more clearly like that of Flavel.
This man does not write from a theoretical or "book-only" viewpoint. His first three wives died and one of them died while in childbirth. He knew what it meant firsthand to suffer the death of those closest to him.
I would recommend every Christian to read this book and meditate upon its truths!
It convicted the fire out of me regarding our often flawed view of grief. If we really believed what we say we do regarding the supremacy of God in our lives and that of eternity, we would have a view of grief lined up more clearly like that of Flavel.
This man does not write from a theoretical or "book-only" viewpoint. His first three wives died and one of them died while in childbirth. He knew what it meant firsthand to suffer the death of those closest to him.
I would recommend every Christian to read this book and meditate upon its truths!
April 1, 2020
I loved this little book on how we are to interact with those who mourn. Many great insights in this small work. I'd recommend it to seminarians and pastors alike. One qualm: I understand his emphasis on "moderation" when it comes to our affections (this is good and right), but I do not understand his closing remarks regarding "immoderate love." It seems to me that the issue is not loving creatures too much, but rather loving them in the wrong way or for the wrong reason. I do not believe there is a case to be made against the magnitude of grief one feels unless it leads to despair and resentment toward the Lord.
Additionally, Flavel often feels too direct for modern counseling. He can, at some points, come off as cold, but I believe that the frankness of his speech adds much clarity to his points. In book form, it is very helpful. Because of this, I would not necessarily recommend it to just any layman.
Additionally, Flavel often feels too direct for modern counseling. He can, at some points, come off as cold, but I believe that the frankness of his speech adds much clarity to his points. In book form, it is very helpful. Because of this, I would not necessarily recommend it to just any layman.
April 11, 2021
Very good- Flavel never disappoints. Will have as a ready reference for the profit of myself and others.
Also, a surprising amount of Seneca.
Also, a surprising amount of Seneca.
June 9, 2025
This is Flavel's extended meditation on Luke 7:13, and was written to comfort and encourage a lady in his congregation who had lost her only son. Flavel himself was a man intimately acquainted with grief, and so he helps the reader to think about sorrowing that is "moderate" and "immoderate", spelling out what is permitted and appropriate for a Christian, and what is not. Parts of his writing can sound harsh to our modern ears, but I think that is only because we are so immersed in a culture that considers all our feelings to be valid and correct by virtue of their mere existence, and that our feelings constitute an ultimate standard of right and wrong. Flavel's book is a breath of fresh air, as he reminds us that scripture and not our feelings are the ultimate standard for the Christian. He also reminds us that all our feelings, even those as raw and intimate as grief, require correction and are more or less corrupted by sin.
His central doctrinal proposition is this: Christians ought to moderate their sorrow for dead relations, no matter how many afflicting circumstances and aggravations meet together in their death.
Flavel proceeds to open up this doctrine under the following headings:
1. Discover the signs of immoderate sorrow.
2. Dissuade from the sin of it.
3. Remove the pleas for it.
4. Propose the cure for it.
First, he describes the signs of immoderate sorrow. Flavel begins this section by showing what may be allowed to the Christian mourner so that we can better recognise excessive and sinful sorrow:
- The afflicted must be allowed an awakened and tender sense of the Lord's afflicting hand upon them. We should feel our mourning.
- Allow the mourning, afflicted soul a due and comely expression of their grief and sorrow in their complaints to both God and men. We should open our troubles rather than sullenly smothering them.
- The afflicted may (ordinarily) accuse, judge and condemn themselves for being the cause and procurer of their own troubles. Whatever the cause of our affliction, there is cause enough for it in ourselves and our folly.
- The afflicted Christian may, in a humble and submissive manner, plead with God and be earnest for the removal of their affliction, particularly where it presses above strength, disables for duty or gives advantage to temptation.
Flavel goes on to explain that sorrow becomes sinful and excessive when:
- It causes us to slight and despise all our other mercies and enjoyments as small things, in comparison to what we have lost. This is a sin involving ignorance, ingratitude and provocation.
- It so wholly engulfs our hearts that we care little or nothing for the public evils and calamities which lie upon the church and people of God.
- It diverts from or distracts us in our duties so that our intercourse with heaven is stopped and interrupted.
- It so overloads and oppresses our body as to endanger our life or render us unfit for service.
- It sours our spirit with discontent and makes it inwardly grudge against the hand of God.
- We continually excite and provoke it by willing irritations.
- It deafens our ears to all the wholesome and seasonable words of comfort offered to us for our relief and support.
Second, he dissuades from the sin of immoderate sorrow. Flavel begins this section by offering some counsel to ungodly mourners, before going on to counsel and comfort Christian mourners with 20 considerations:
- 1. Consider, in this day of sorrow, who is the frame and author of this rod by which you now smart; is it not the Lord? And if the Lord has done it, it becomes you meekly to submit.
- 2. Ponder well the quality of the comfort you are deprived of, and remember that, when you had it, it stood but in the rank and order of common and inferior comforts.
- 3. Always remember that, however soon and unexpected your parting with your relations was, yet your lease was expired before you lost them, and you enjoyed them every moment of the time that God intended them for you.
- 4. Has God smitten your darling, and taken away the delight of your eyes with this stroke? Bear this stroke with patience and quiet submission: for how do you know but your trouble might have been greater from the life than it now is from the death of your relation?
- 5. How know you but that by this stroke which you so lament God has take them away from the evil to come?
- 6. A parting time needs must come; and why is not this as good as another? The Lord of time is the best judge of time and in nothing do we more discover our folly and rashness than in presuming to fix the times either of our comforts or our troubles.
- 7. Call to mind in this day of trouble, the covenant you have with God, and what you solemnly promised him in the day you took him for your God.
- 8. But if your covenant with God will not quiet you, yet I think God's covenant with you might be presumed to do it.
- 9. The hope of the resurrection should powerfully restrain all excesses of sorrow in those that do profess it.
- 10. The present felicity into which all that die in Christ are presently admitted should abundantly comfort Christians over the death of such as either carried a lively hope out of the world with them, or have left good grounds of such a hope behind them.
- 11. Consider how vain a thing all your trouble and self-vexation is; it no way betters your case, nor eases your burden.
- 12. The Lord is able to restore all your lost comforts in relations double to you, if you meekly submit to him and patiently wait upon him under the rod.
- 13. Consider, though he should deny you any more comforts of this kind, yet he has far better to bestow upon you, such as these deserve not to be named with.
- 14. Be careful you exceed not in your grief for the loss of earthly things, considering that Satan takes the advantage of all extremes to suggest despondency, hard thoughts of God, murmuring and repining against the Lord and irreligious and atheistical thoughts.
- 15. Give not way to excessive sorrows on account of affliction, if you have any regard to the honour of God and religion, which will hereby be exposed to reproach.
- 16. Be quiet and hold your peace; you little know how many mercies lie in the womb of this affliction.
- 17. Suffer not yourselves to be transported by impatience and swallowed up of grief because God has exercised you under a smart rod; for, as smarting as it is, it is comparatively a gentle stroke to what others, as good as yourselves, have felt.
- 18. If God be your God, you have really lost nothing by the removal of any creature comfort.
- 19. Though you may want a little comfort in your life, yet surely it may be recompensed to you by a more easy death.
- 20. But if nothing that has been yet said will prevail with you, then, lastly, remember that you are near that state which admits no sorrows nor sad reflections upon any such accounts as these.
Third, Flavel answers twelve pleas that we can make to excuse excessive and immoderate sorrow, and he does so with a gentle but firm pastoral hand.
Last, he offers some rules to prevent and cure the sin of immoderate sorrow:
- Rule 1: If you would not mourn excessively for the loss of creature comforts, then beware that you set not your delight and love excessively or inordinately upon them whilst you do enjoy them.
- Rule 2: If you would not be overwhelmed with grief for the loss of your relations, be exact and careful in discharging your duties to them while you have them.
- Rule 3: If you would not be overwhelmed with trouble for the loss of dear relations, turn to God under your trouble and pour out your sorrows by prayer into his bosom.
- Rule 4: If you would bear the loss of your dear relations with moderation, eye God in the whole process of the affliction more, and secondary causes and circumstances of the matter less.
- Rule 5: If you will bear your affliction with moderation, compare it with the afflictions of other men, and that will greatly quiet your spirits.
- Rule 6: Carefully shun and avoid whatsoever may renew your sorrow, or provoke you to impatience.
- Rule 7: In the day of your murmuring for the death of your friends, seriously consider your own death as approaching, and that you and your dead friend are distinguished by a small interval and point of time.
Submitting to God's good and perfect will is never easy for us sinful creatures, particularly when it is in the context of a searing loss and bereavement. Flavel encourages us to do that with faithfulness, firmness and balance. Some of this book is tough to take, but Flavel's unflinching zeal for God to be honoured and glorified in all the circumstances of life is exactly what we need to get us through, and to say with honesty and feeling, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
His central doctrinal proposition is this: Christians ought to moderate their sorrow for dead relations, no matter how many afflicting circumstances and aggravations meet together in their death.
Flavel proceeds to open up this doctrine under the following headings:
1. Discover the signs of immoderate sorrow.
2. Dissuade from the sin of it.
3. Remove the pleas for it.
4. Propose the cure for it.
First, he describes the signs of immoderate sorrow. Flavel begins this section by showing what may be allowed to the Christian mourner so that we can better recognise excessive and sinful sorrow:
- The afflicted must be allowed an awakened and tender sense of the Lord's afflicting hand upon them. We should feel our mourning.
- Allow the mourning, afflicted soul a due and comely expression of their grief and sorrow in their complaints to both God and men. We should open our troubles rather than sullenly smothering them.
- The afflicted may (ordinarily) accuse, judge and condemn themselves for being the cause and procurer of their own troubles. Whatever the cause of our affliction, there is cause enough for it in ourselves and our folly.
- The afflicted Christian may, in a humble and submissive manner, plead with God and be earnest for the removal of their affliction, particularly where it presses above strength, disables for duty or gives advantage to temptation.
Flavel goes on to explain that sorrow becomes sinful and excessive when:
- It causes us to slight and despise all our other mercies and enjoyments as small things, in comparison to what we have lost. This is a sin involving ignorance, ingratitude and provocation.
- It so wholly engulfs our hearts that we care little or nothing for the public evils and calamities which lie upon the church and people of God.
- It diverts from or distracts us in our duties so that our intercourse with heaven is stopped and interrupted.
- It so overloads and oppresses our body as to endanger our life or render us unfit for service.
- It sours our spirit with discontent and makes it inwardly grudge against the hand of God.
- We continually excite and provoke it by willing irritations.
- It deafens our ears to all the wholesome and seasonable words of comfort offered to us for our relief and support.
Second, he dissuades from the sin of immoderate sorrow. Flavel begins this section by offering some counsel to ungodly mourners, before going on to counsel and comfort Christian mourners with 20 considerations:
- 1. Consider, in this day of sorrow, who is the frame and author of this rod by which you now smart; is it not the Lord? And if the Lord has done it, it becomes you meekly to submit.
- 2. Ponder well the quality of the comfort you are deprived of, and remember that, when you had it, it stood but in the rank and order of common and inferior comforts.
- 3. Always remember that, however soon and unexpected your parting with your relations was, yet your lease was expired before you lost them, and you enjoyed them every moment of the time that God intended them for you.
- 4. Has God smitten your darling, and taken away the delight of your eyes with this stroke? Bear this stroke with patience and quiet submission: for how do you know but your trouble might have been greater from the life than it now is from the death of your relation?
- 5. How know you but that by this stroke which you so lament God has take them away from the evil to come?
- 6. A parting time needs must come; and why is not this as good as another? The Lord of time is the best judge of time and in nothing do we more discover our folly and rashness than in presuming to fix the times either of our comforts or our troubles.
- 7. Call to mind in this day of trouble, the covenant you have with God, and what you solemnly promised him in the day you took him for your God.
- 8. But if your covenant with God will not quiet you, yet I think God's covenant with you might be presumed to do it.
- 9. The hope of the resurrection should powerfully restrain all excesses of sorrow in those that do profess it.
- 10. The present felicity into which all that die in Christ are presently admitted should abundantly comfort Christians over the death of such as either carried a lively hope out of the world with them, or have left good grounds of such a hope behind them.
- 11. Consider how vain a thing all your trouble and self-vexation is; it no way betters your case, nor eases your burden.
- 12. The Lord is able to restore all your lost comforts in relations double to you, if you meekly submit to him and patiently wait upon him under the rod.
- 13. Consider, though he should deny you any more comforts of this kind, yet he has far better to bestow upon you, such as these deserve not to be named with.
- 14. Be careful you exceed not in your grief for the loss of earthly things, considering that Satan takes the advantage of all extremes to suggest despondency, hard thoughts of God, murmuring and repining against the Lord and irreligious and atheistical thoughts.
- 15. Give not way to excessive sorrows on account of affliction, if you have any regard to the honour of God and religion, which will hereby be exposed to reproach.
- 16. Be quiet and hold your peace; you little know how many mercies lie in the womb of this affliction.
- 17. Suffer not yourselves to be transported by impatience and swallowed up of grief because God has exercised you under a smart rod; for, as smarting as it is, it is comparatively a gentle stroke to what others, as good as yourselves, have felt.
- 18. If God be your God, you have really lost nothing by the removal of any creature comfort.
- 19. Though you may want a little comfort in your life, yet surely it may be recompensed to you by a more easy death.
- 20. But if nothing that has been yet said will prevail with you, then, lastly, remember that you are near that state which admits no sorrows nor sad reflections upon any such accounts as these.
Third, Flavel answers twelve pleas that we can make to excuse excessive and immoderate sorrow, and he does so with a gentle but firm pastoral hand.
Last, he offers some rules to prevent and cure the sin of immoderate sorrow:
- Rule 1: If you would not mourn excessively for the loss of creature comforts, then beware that you set not your delight and love excessively or inordinately upon them whilst you do enjoy them.
- Rule 2: If you would not be overwhelmed with grief for the loss of your relations, be exact and careful in discharging your duties to them while you have them.
- Rule 3: If you would not be overwhelmed with trouble for the loss of dear relations, turn to God under your trouble and pour out your sorrows by prayer into his bosom.
- Rule 4: If you would bear the loss of your dear relations with moderation, eye God in the whole process of the affliction more, and secondary causes and circumstances of the matter less.
- Rule 5: If you will bear your affliction with moderation, compare it with the afflictions of other men, and that will greatly quiet your spirits.
- Rule 6: Carefully shun and avoid whatsoever may renew your sorrow, or provoke you to impatience.
- Rule 7: In the day of your murmuring for the death of your friends, seriously consider your own death as approaching, and that you and your dead friend are distinguished by a small interval and point of time.
Submitting to God's good and perfect will is never easy for us sinful creatures, particularly when it is in the context of a searing loss and bereavement. Flavel encourages us to do that with faithfulness, firmness and balance. Some of this book is tough to take, but Flavel's unflinching zeal for God to be honoured and glorified in all the circumstances of life is exactly what we need to get us through, and to say with honesty and feeling, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
September 29, 2024
#10 of 60+ in the Puritan Paperbacks series by Banner of Truth.
Originally published in 1674 as A Token for Mourners, this book takes on the difficult task of comforting those who have lost a loved one. This type of loss was not foreign to Flavel as he had buried two children and three wives. Temperance is his thesis. He makes this clear when he says God “prohibits the excesses and extravagancies of our sorrows for the dead, that it should not be such a mourning for the dead as is found among the heathen, who sorrow without measure, because without hope, being ignorant of that grand relief which the gospel reveals.” (10) In other words, we as believers should mourn differently and with moderation, avoiding hysterical outbursts. This sounds cold on the surface but Flavel was pastoral in his purpose. It was not his “design to exasperate your troubles, but to heal them.” (1) He sets out to do this in four parts: knowing how to see the signs of immoderate sorrow, how to avoid the sin of it, to counter the arguments for it, and to propose a cure for it. Perhaps one of the most useful portions of the book is when Flavel points out the danger inherent within immoderate sorrw. Satan gains an advantage over us through “the darkness of the mind” and “the darkness of the condition.” (81) The condition we cannot control as it is ordained by God and within His will. However, the darkness of the mind we can exercise some control over. We can protect our minds by understanding these trials are times for sanctification. “When God is smiting, we should be searching.” (22) We should search within the scriptures and we should turn to Him in our mourning. In fact, abandoning prayer during our time of mourning is but one of the ways it can become sinful.
Flavel’s book focuses on the loss of a loved one but the principles he outlines could just as easily apply to any affliction the believer finds themselves in. Whether we have lost someone we love dearly or simply find ourselves going through a very difficult season, as believers we must “regulate our sorrows and bound our passions under the rod.” (5) Easier said than done but Flavel’s short book is valuable in having a biblical perspective as we inevitably mourn in this fallen world.
Originally published in 1674 as A Token for Mourners, this book takes on the difficult task of comforting those who have lost a loved one. This type of loss was not foreign to Flavel as he had buried two children and three wives. Temperance is his thesis. He makes this clear when he says God “prohibits the excesses and extravagancies of our sorrows for the dead, that it should not be such a mourning for the dead as is found among the heathen, who sorrow without measure, because without hope, being ignorant of that grand relief which the gospel reveals.” (10) In other words, we as believers should mourn differently and with moderation, avoiding hysterical outbursts. This sounds cold on the surface but Flavel was pastoral in his purpose. It was not his “design to exasperate your troubles, but to heal them.” (1) He sets out to do this in four parts: knowing how to see the signs of immoderate sorrow, how to avoid the sin of it, to counter the arguments for it, and to propose a cure for it. Perhaps one of the most useful portions of the book is when Flavel points out the danger inherent within immoderate sorrw. Satan gains an advantage over us through “the darkness of the mind” and “the darkness of the condition.” (81) The condition we cannot control as it is ordained by God and within His will. However, the darkness of the mind we can exercise some control over. We can protect our minds by understanding these trials are times for sanctification. “When God is smiting, we should be searching.” (22) We should search within the scriptures and we should turn to Him in our mourning. In fact, abandoning prayer during our time of mourning is but one of the ways it can become sinful.
Flavel’s book focuses on the loss of a loved one but the principles he outlines could just as easily apply to any affliction the believer finds themselves in. Whether we have lost someone we love dearly or simply find ourselves going through a very difficult season, as believers we must “regulate our sorrows and bound our passions under the rod.” (5) Easier said than done but Flavel’s short book is valuable in having a biblical perspective as we inevitably mourn in this fallen world.
February 9, 2023
Really good, and well worth reading even for those who aren't "facing grief" themselves, but with a few caveats:
Pros: Really effectively beats in the message that the eternal is better than even the "good things" of this world (like loved ones). It's a really helpful reminder and reinforcement even if neither you nor anyone around you is actively dealing with the loss of a loved one. If you do have someone around you struggling with that, it gives helpful ways to identify if their grief is going too far, and advice on how to encourage and speak into their lives.
Cons: I know a few Christians in my life who are dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one, and I can't imagine giving this book to at least half of them. It might just be that the tone of Puritan language feels harsh to our modern ears, but I think they would just throw this book away, offended even though there are things in it that are exactly what they need to hear. At its heart this is a deeply conciliatory message, but it has a gruff exterior that makes that harder to see. Its arguments and tones seem, to me, to require a certain strength of faith as a baseline especially for those who are already struggling.
Also, I think he's too prone to blame people's afflictions on their own sin.
Pros: Really effectively beats in the message that the eternal is better than even the "good things" of this world (like loved ones). It's a really helpful reminder and reinforcement even if neither you nor anyone around you is actively dealing with the loss of a loved one. If you do have someone around you struggling with that, it gives helpful ways to identify if their grief is going too far, and advice on how to encourage and speak into their lives.
Cons: I know a few Christians in my life who are dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one, and I can't imagine giving this book to at least half of them. It might just be that the tone of Puritan language feels harsh to our modern ears, but I think they would just throw this book away, offended even though there are things in it that are exactly what they need to hear. At its heart this is a deeply conciliatory message, but it has a gruff exterior that makes that harder to see. Its arguments and tones seem, to me, to require a certain strength of faith as a baseline especially for those who are already struggling.
Also, I think he's too prone to blame people's afflictions on their own sin.
March 12, 2022
It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that this was written hundreds of years ago. But it should come as no surprise that John Flavel’s words remain relevant. After all, everyone faces grief. I gave the book five stars because it is extremely well written and covers so much ground in a limited amount of time (the book is only 117 pages). Flavel’s tone is direct and he wastes no time adding qualifiers to imperatives or considerations. There were many places in the book (especially in the first 25 pages) where I thought, “wow, I wouldn’t recommend this to someone in the middle of the agonies of grief.” But the reality is, the book serves primarily as a roadmap for Christians as to how best to navigate the pitfalls that come with grief—and the roadmap tells you where to go. Flavel offers many reasons why grievers often sin as they grieve and (most helpfully) he gives the reader rules for how to grieve without sinning. I gave this book five stars because I believe Flavel’s “considerations” and “rules” serve as God glorifying tools for Christians to grieve in a way that honors our Savior Jesus Christ.
August 6, 2024
A wonderful help and consolation for those who are facing, have faced, or will face grief in their lives. Flavel is comforting while not softening on the sovereignty of God in death at all. Several moments while reading had me saying “ouch, what a hard truth” but recognizing that it was in fact truth.
Flavel writes from true experience having lost both parents to the plague in 1665 as well as three wives and two children. Who better to give counsel for those who are grieving? In his introduction, he tells his readers that his grace given affections for them “make me say of every affliction which befalls you, ‘Half mine.’”.
Spoiling the ending, I’ll say that he concludes that we should “realize our own death more” and that if we did so we would not be so deeply concerned for the death of others. Throughout the book he points out in different ways how much of our excess grief in death comes from our too-strong ties to the world and forgetfulness of who God is. Turning our face to Him we will find help in our time of need.
Flavel writes from true experience having lost both parents to the plague in 1665 as well as three wives and two children. Who better to give counsel for those who are grieving? In his introduction, he tells his readers that his grace given affections for them “make me say of every affliction which befalls you, ‘Half mine.’”.
Spoiling the ending, I’ll say that he concludes that we should “realize our own death more” and that if we did so we would not be so deeply concerned for the death of others. Throughout the book he points out in different ways how much of our excess grief in death comes from our too-strong ties to the world and forgetfulness of who God is. Turning our face to Him we will find help in our time of need.
April 2, 2024
2024 UPDATE:
Reread this since it was next up in my challenge to read all of the Puritan Paperbacks (this was #10 of 62).
Written by Flavel, who was well acquainted with much personal loss, having mourned the loss of at least two children and three wives, this was specifically written by him to encourage those experiencing grief. Even the length was meant to be short / pocket sized (this was on the shorter side of the Puritan Paperbacks at just over 100 pages) to facilitate ease of reading whilst being something that could be carried along and serve as a continual means of encouragement.
This will be a go-to reference not just for my own personal life but to share with those experiencing severe tragedy and loss.
I love Flavel’s 7x Rules to “Restrain Excessive Sorrow” in the concluding chapter and think they are worthy to share here:
1. Rule 1: If you would not mourn excessively for the loss of creature-comforts, then beware that you set not your delight and love excessively or inordinately upon them whilst you do enjoy them. Strong affections make strong afflictions.
2. Rule 2: If you would not be overwhelmed with grief for the loss of your relations, be exact and careful in discharging your duties to them while you have them.
3. Rule 3: If you would not be overwhelmed with trouble for the loss of dear relations. Turn to God under your trouble and pour out your sorrows by prayer into his bosom.
4. Rule 4: If you would bear the loss of your dear relations with moderation, eye God in the whole process of the affliction more, and secondary causes and circumstances of the matter less. If it draws your heart nearer to God, and mortifies it more to this vain world, it is a rod in the hand of special love. If it end in your love to God, doubt not but it comes from God’s love to you.
5. Rule 5: If you will bear your afflictions with moderation, compare it with the afflictions of other men, and that will greatly quiet your spirits.
6. Rule 6: Carefully shun and avoid whatsoever may renew your sorrow, or provoke you to impatience.
7. Rule 7: In the day of your murmuring for the death of your friends, seriously consider your own death as approaching, and that you and your dead friend are distinguished by a small interval and point of time: ‘I shall go to him’ (2 Sam 12:23). We are apt to fancy a long life in the world, and then the loss of those comforts which we promised ourselves so much of the sweetness and comforts of our lives from is an intolerable thing.
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2023 Original Review:
It just doesn’t get any better than the puritans when it comes to biblical counsel for all things pertaining to life and godliness.
As a man who lost both parents of the plague and mourned the loss of three wives and two children, John Flavel (1630-91) writes this book to serve as “after-fruits” of his own troubles, things he says “I have not commended to you from another hand, but which I have, in some measure, proved and tasted in my own trials.”
His advice is specifically aimed at a parent who is mourning the loss of a child, as he exposits Luke 7:13: “And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, ‘Weep not.’” However, his advice applies to any of life’s calamities.
He begins with 6 desires that are pure gold:
1. “That you will not be too hasty to get off the yoke which God has put upon your neck. Desire not to be delivered from your sorrows one moment before God’s time.”
2. “I desire, that you and your afflictions had a sad meeting, yet you and they may have a comfortable parting.”
3. “I heartily wish that these searching afflictions may make the most satisfying discoveries, that you may now see more of the evil of sin, the vanity of the creature, and the fullness of Christ.”
4. “I wish that all the love and delight you bestowed upon your little one may now be placed to your greater advantage upon Jesus Christ.”
5. “That you may be strengthened with all might in the inner man to all patience, that the peace of God may keep your hearts and minds.”
6. “Lastly, My heart’s desire and prayer to Gods for you is, that you may die daily to all visible enjoyments, and by these frequent converses with death in your family, you may be prepared for your own change and dissolution when it shall come.”
Favorite Quotes:
“There is no sin in complaining to God, but much wickedness in complaining of him. Griefs are eased by groans and heart-pressures relieved by utterance.”
“When God is smiting, we should be searching.”
“He is the wisest man that thus makes himself a fool before God.”
“This affliction for which you mourn may be the greatest mercy to you that ever yet befell you in this world.”
“Surely the Lord of time is the best judge of time; and in nothing do we more discover our folly and rashness, than in presuming to fix the times either of our comforts or our troubles … God’s time is the best time.”
“The sweetest creature-enjoyments you ever had or have in this world, cannot say to you, as your God does, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”
“Be quiet and hold your peace; you little know how many mercies lie in the womb of this affliction.”
“The more impatient you are under his affliction, the more need you had of it.”
“He that blew out the candle can light up another.”
“It is truly said, that he has sailed long enough who has won the harbor; he has fought long enough who has obtained the victory; he has run long enough who has touched the goal; and he has lived long enough upon earth who has won heaven, be his days here never so few.”
Reread this since it was next up in my challenge to read all of the Puritan Paperbacks (this was #10 of 62).
Written by Flavel, who was well acquainted with much personal loss, having mourned the loss of at least two children and three wives, this was specifically written by him to encourage those experiencing grief. Even the length was meant to be short / pocket sized (this was on the shorter side of the Puritan Paperbacks at just over 100 pages) to facilitate ease of reading whilst being something that could be carried along and serve as a continual means of encouragement.
This will be a go-to reference not just for my own personal life but to share with those experiencing severe tragedy and loss.
I love Flavel’s 7x Rules to “Restrain Excessive Sorrow” in the concluding chapter and think they are worthy to share here:
1. Rule 1: If you would not mourn excessively for the loss of creature-comforts, then beware that you set not your delight and love excessively or inordinately upon them whilst you do enjoy them. Strong affections make strong afflictions.
2. Rule 2: If you would not be overwhelmed with grief for the loss of your relations, be exact and careful in discharging your duties to them while you have them.
3. Rule 3: If you would not be overwhelmed with trouble for the loss of dear relations. Turn to God under your trouble and pour out your sorrows by prayer into his bosom.
4. Rule 4: If you would bear the loss of your dear relations with moderation, eye God in the whole process of the affliction more, and secondary causes and circumstances of the matter less. If it draws your heart nearer to God, and mortifies it more to this vain world, it is a rod in the hand of special love. If it end in your love to God, doubt not but it comes from God’s love to you.
5. Rule 5: If you will bear your afflictions with moderation, compare it with the afflictions of other men, and that will greatly quiet your spirits.
6. Rule 6: Carefully shun and avoid whatsoever may renew your sorrow, or provoke you to impatience.
7. Rule 7: In the day of your murmuring for the death of your friends, seriously consider your own death as approaching, and that you and your dead friend are distinguished by a small interval and point of time: ‘I shall go to him’ (2 Sam 12:23). We are apt to fancy a long life in the world, and then the loss of those comforts which we promised ourselves so much of the sweetness and comforts of our lives from is an intolerable thing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2023 Original Review:
It just doesn’t get any better than the puritans when it comes to biblical counsel for all things pertaining to life and godliness.
As a man who lost both parents of the plague and mourned the loss of three wives and two children, John Flavel (1630-91) writes this book to serve as “after-fruits” of his own troubles, things he says “I have not commended to you from another hand, but which I have, in some measure, proved and tasted in my own trials.”
His advice is specifically aimed at a parent who is mourning the loss of a child, as he exposits Luke 7:13: “And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her, and said unto her, ‘Weep not.’” However, his advice applies to any of life’s calamities.
He begins with 6 desires that are pure gold:
1. “That you will not be too hasty to get off the yoke which God has put upon your neck. Desire not to be delivered from your sorrows one moment before God’s time.”
2. “I desire, that you and your afflictions had a sad meeting, yet you and they may have a comfortable parting.”
3. “I heartily wish that these searching afflictions may make the most satisfying discoveries, that you may now see more of the evil of sin, the vanity of the creature, and the fullness of Christ.”
4. “I wish that all the love and delight you bestowed upon your little one may now be placed to your greater advantage upon Jesus Christ.”
5. “That you may be strengthened with all might in the inner man to all patience, that the peace of God may keep your hearts and minds.”
6. “Lastly, My heart’s desire and prayer to Gods for you is, that you may die daily to all visible enjoyments, and by these frequent converses with death in your family, you may be prepared for your own change and dissolution when it shall come.”
Favorite Quotes:
“There is no sin in complaining to God, but much wickedness in complaining of him. Griefs are eased by groans and heart-pressures relieved by utterance.”
“When God is smiting, we should be searching.”
“He is the wisest man that thus makes himself a fool before God.”
“This affliction for which you mourn may be the greatest mercy to you that ever yet befell you in this world.”
“Surely the Lord of time is the best judge of time; and in nothing do we more discover our folly and rashness, than in presuming to fix the times either of our comforts or our troubles … God’s time is the best time.”
“The sweetest creature-enjoyments you ever had or have in this world, cannot say to you, as your God does, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”
“Be quiet and hold your peace; you little know how many mercies lie in the womb of this affliction.”
“The more impatient you are under his affliction, the more need you had of it.”
“He that blew out the candle can light up another.”
“It is truly said, that he has sailed long enough who has won the harbor; he has fought long enough who has obtained the victory; he has run long enough who has touched the goal; and he has lived long enough upon earth who has won heaven, be his days here never so few.”
December 12, 2021
Excellent book by Flavel. Theology of grieving loss is helpful and the challenges he presents to maintain clear eternal biblical thoughts, while grieving, is well worth the read. Flavel didn’t include much on comforting the grieving, but definitely recommended.
May 8, 2024
Joy to sit with Flavel for a few weeks. As the back cover says, reading should be done slowly, with meditation, reflection and prayer. I would add reading this with others in the body is immensely profitable.
August 13, 2022
Challenging rebuke to those who grieve way above that which is appropriate. Sober. Doesn't allow empathy to cloud biblical counsil.
September 13, 2020
Convicting read. Good grief. Praise God for his faithfulness. Ecclesiastes 7:2.
Every person should read this book. It offers counsel for Christians and non-Christians. Great read. Heavy though, but in a good way.
Every person should read this book. It offers counsel for Christians and non-Christians. Great read. Heavy though, but in a good way.
July 1, 2025
A comforting a helpful guide through grief with many profound and precious insights. I found this book to be a blessing after the passing of my dog of 15 years. Many of the truths in this book are, while important and true, harsh. Because of this I would just be careful about who it is that reads it.
June 11, 2021
A wonderful short book on how to grieve properly through the lens of a child dying. As with most Puritans there is some overkill. But most of it is in areas where moderns are pretty weak. We tend to love this world too much and love it wrongly and be overly sentimental about death. Flavel does a good job counteracting this tendency. He keeps us focused on God's sovereignty and goodness as well as heavenly realities. As a friend of mine said, I think this is more fit for pastors than those who are actually in the grieving process.
One interesting note given some contemporary debates is that he clearly believed children of covenant parents who die went to be with the Lord.
One interesting note given some contemporary debates is that he clearly believed children of covenant parents who die went to be with the Lord.
May 19, 2025
a robust, scripture-based reminder of Gods sovereignty even in the midst of profound loss and the need to renounce our over-attachment to worldly comforts. challenging and often more direct than would seem appropriate in our modern therapeutic culture; perhaps time will tell whether such directness is a better consolation.
as time has passed, i’ve returned often to thoughts raised here. it’s sharp as a two edged sword but cuts to the heart of it. and while not as “pastoral” in a therapeutic sense it’s continued to give words of truth to cling to
as time has passed, i’ve returned often to thoughts raised here. it’s sharp as a two edged sword but cuts to the heart of it. and while not as “pastoral” in a therapeutic sense it’s continued to give words of truth to cling to
June 3, 2024
Like "Heart of Christ" and "The Bruised Reed", this is doubtlessly a book I'll come back to in the future. "Facing Grief" was written following the death of Flavel's second wife during childbirth (he would go on to lose yet another wife) at a time when childbirth quite perilous and death was a much more common feature to life. Compared to other Puritan Paperbacks I have read, "Grief" strikes a sterner tone. Flavel gives counsel equal parts firm and comforting in order to moderate grief in the Christian's life, especially upon the death of a loved one.
Though I am not currently enduring the loss of a loved one, I have before and will again. And it may be that the best time to study such a thing is when one is not in the midst of the grief, or when one is counseling someone else who is. Nevertheless, the principles Flavel laid down are valuable whether the grief is personal or spiritual.
He distinguishes between moderate and immoderate grief. The former is Godly and normal, proving that our love has been snuffed out and a void left behind. The latter leads to sin, whether through paralysis or bitterness or fury against God. It can also lead to further sins, acting out of despair, to receive comfort which can only come from God. In such times, Flavel argues only through repentance can the soul find its rest again in God. Here is counsel is mostly prayer of thanksgiving, not discounting who was lost but being grateful that he came at all, that God in His wisdom knows best what we need, in His love desires that we have good people and things (Himself as the upmost good), and in His sovereignty giving and taking as He pleases. He reminds the reader that no good thing is merited from God and comes only by His grace, thus to have had any good parent, child, or friend is a gift. Life and death come in seasons which He appoints. In one of his finest moments, Flavel points out that every person in our lives in on loan from God. Only from ingratitude or entitlement would we indict God for taking back what is rightfully His.
At its best, "Facing Grief" comforts the reader with the abundance of God's grace and mercy in giving us wonderful friends and family to enjoy life with. His counsel for those in grief is great as well. One of the most profound insights I found here, and one which I have begun to apply to my own spiritual life, is that it is always a sin to complain *about* God but never a sin to complain *to* God. This explains why Job ends up receiving a rebuke from God at the end of the Book of Job, yet the psalmists, Jeremiah, Obediah, and even Jesus Himself can pour out complaints and frustrations to God without ever receiving rebuke. I have often wondered why some depart the faith after suffering, yet others suffer even worse things and endure. "The Holy Spirit" is the efficient cause, of course, but the formal cause is that the apostate complains loudly about God to anyone who will listen or to himself. The enduring Christian is the one who complains loudly to God about his circumstances, then rejoices in Him even in the midst of his confusion and suffering. I can scarcely express how this simple truth has had a profound impact on my prayer life and spiritual growth in the month I spent reading Flavel.
Where I am troubled is in Flavel's ascription of suffering to the "rod of God's discipline." He puts all suffering into the category of discipline, an idea that one can trace back to Hebrews 12. That said--and this may be a function of semantic shift since the 1600s--but "discipline" implies that a sin has indwelt or merited suffering. I am not sure this is the case. It may be more apt to say that pruning results in pain as God sanctifies the Christian (John 15:1-11, Romans 5:3-4). The pruned plant may or may not have done anything sinful or wrong that would merit its suffering. It may have grown the wrong way, or it may merely need to be trimmed back in order that the fruit will be sweeter.
This distinction is important because I am reluctant to say that all sadness, weeping, depression, or even overwhelming, paralyzing grief is of necessity a result of idolatry of the beloved. It *may* be, but it *needn't* be. If Christ can feel the abandonment of God, Paul can despair of life itself, or Job can lay in ashes for a week in silence, then surely we can know the crippling weight of loss without being in sin. Particularly living a culture that dismisses sadness as unproductive or shameful (remember when we used to call them "funerals" instead of "celebrations of life"?), there is no sin in being somewhat impaired in our normal functioning. I will re-examine this question upon a re-reading.
While reading Flavel, I was reminded of C.S. Lewis's thoughts in "The Problem of Pain" in which he writes that we often cry out for God's love, yet sometimes the most loving thing to do is remove from us something we really love. This loss can be agonizing. So much so, he suggests, that if we better understood the connection between love and pain, we might ask for God to love us less! Fortunately He does not love us less.
I'd recommend this most of all to those who counsel the grieving or to those who have not yet lost someone close. Read it now; I'm afraid that, like "A Grief Observed", it might be too strong a medicine for those who are in the midst of grief. But if grief has lingered too long, or if you're ready to weep and move forward, this might be the book for you.
Though I am not currently enduring the loss of a loved one, I have before and will again. And it may be that the best time to study such a thing is when one is not in the midst of the grief, or when one is counseling someone else who is. Nevertheless, the principles Flavel laid down are valuable whether the grief is personal or spiritual.
He distinguishes between moderate and immoderate grief. The former is Godly and normal, proving that our love has been snuffed out and a void left behind. The latter leads to sin, whether through paralysis or bitterness or fury against God. It can also lead to further sins, acting out of despair, to receive comfort which can only come from God. In such times, Flavel argues only through repentance can the soul find its rest again in God. Here is counsel is mostly prayer of thanksgiving, not discounting who was lost but being grateful that he came at all, that God in His wisdom knows best what we need, in His love desires that we have good people and things (Himself as the upmost good), and in His sovereignty giving and taking as He pleases. He reminds the reader that no good thing is merited from God and comes only by His grace, thus to have had any good parent, child, or friend is a gift. Life and death come in seasons which He appoints. In one of his finest moments, Flavel points out that every person in our lives in on loan from God. Only from ingratitude or entitlement would we indict God for taking back what is rightfully His.
At its best, "Facing Grief" comforts the reader with the abundance of God's grace and mercy in giving us wonderful friends and family to enjoy life with. His counsel for those in grief is great as well. One of the most profound insights I found here, and one which I have begun to apply to my own spiritual life, is that it is always a sin to complain *about* God but never a sin to complain *to* God. This explains why Job ends up receiving a rebuke from God at the end of the Book of Job, yet the psalmists, Jeremiah, Obediah, and even Jesus Himself can pour out complaints and frustrations to God without ever receiving rebuke. I have often wondered why some depart the faith after suffering, yet others suffer even worse things and endure. "The Holy Spirit" is the efficient cause, of course, but the formal cause is that the apostate complains loudly about God to anyone who will listen or to himself. The enduring Christian is the one who complains loudly to God about his circumstances, then rejoices in Him even in the midst of his confusion and suffering. I can scarcely express how this simple truth has had a profound impact on my prayer life and spiritual growth in the month I spent reading Flavel.
Where I am troubled is in Flavel's ascription of suffering to the "rod of God's discipline." He puts all suffering into the category of discipline, an idea that one can trace back to Hebrews 12. That said--and this may be a function of semantic shift since the 1600s--but "discipline" implies that a sin has indwelt or merited suffering. I am not sure this is the case. It may be more apt to say that pruning results in pain as God sanctifies the Christian (John 15:1-11, Romans 5:3-4). The pruned plant may or may not have done anything sinful or wrong that would merit its suffering. It may have grown the wrong way, or it may merely need to be trimmed back in order that the fruit will be sweeter.
This distinction is important because I am reluctant to say that all sadness, weeping, depression, or even overwhelming, paralyzing grief is of necessity a result of idolatry of the beloved. It *may* be, but it *needn't* be. If Christ can feel the abandonment of God, Paul can despair of life itself, or Job can lay in ashes for a week in silence, then surely we can know the crippling weight of loss without being in sin. Particularly living a culture that dismisses sadness as unproductive or shameful (remember when we used to call them "funerals" instead of "celebrations of life"?), there is no sin in being somewhat impaired in our normal functioning. I will re-examine this question upon a re-reading.
While reading Flavel, I was reminded of C.S. Lewis's thoughts in "The Problem of Pain" in which he writes that we often cry out for God's love, yet sometimes the most loving thing to do is remove from us something we really love. This loss can be agonizing. So much so, he suggests, that if we better understood the connection between love and pain, we might ask for God to love us less! Fortunately He does not love us less.
I'd recommend this most of all to those who counsel the grieving or to those who have not yet lost someone close. Read it now; I'm afraid that, like "A Grief Observed", it might be too strong a medicine for those who are in the midst of grief. But if grief has lingered too long, or if you're ready to weep and move forward, this might be the book for you.
May 21, 2025
I love the Puritans, and I love John Flavel. If you are grieving, this is not a book for the beginning of that journey. It has some helpful insights for those who are further along in the journey. I probably give it more like 3.5 stars.
November 4, 2022
Ce livre est court et va à l'essentiel. Si John Flavel n'avait pas lui-même expérimenté dans sa chair les avertissements et le conseils qu'il donne à ses lecteurs, on pourrait, surtout selon les critères de notre époque, trouver le ton de ses exhortations trop dur, parfois même insensible.
Et pourtant, il n'en est rien. La dureté apparente de ses propos n'est due qu'au fait qu'il nous présente la réalité de la mort telle qu'elle est, aussi bien la nôtre que celle de nos proches. J'ai beaucoup apprécié la structure du livre, dans un style très puritain, avec beaucoup de points et sous points, tous assez courts. La majeure partie du livre est rédigée sous forme de réponses à des questions ou des complaintes hypothétiques qu'un parent dans le deuil pourrait prononcer. Cette structure rend la lecture vivante et très pratique, puisqu'il est très facile de se retrouver dans les questions présentées.
Cela fait du bien de lire un livre qui, sur un sujet aussi sensible, ne tombe pas dans la langue de bois et le réconfort bon marché. Aucun mot n'est creux, aucun détour n'est emprunté, l'euphémisme est absent, et cela rend les propos des John Flavel toujours pertinents, et vraiment utiles pour une personne qui traverse le deuil. Il nous pousse sans cesse à faire face à la réalité de ce monde corrompu, de la mort qui est le salaire du péché pour tout homme, du Christ qui est notre seul espoir, et des grâces et promesses de Dieu qui demeurent nôtres même lorsque nous perdons tous ceux à qui nous tenons le plus. Cette fermeté qu'il peut avoir face à des chrétiens qui se comportent mal dans leur deuil est même touchante, lorsque nous savons qu'il a écrit cette lettre deux ans après le décès de sa seconde épouse.
En bref, je recommande vivement ce livre, évidemment à tous ceux qui traverseraient le deuil suite à la perte d'un être cher, ou qui accompagnent de telles personnes, ou tout simplement qui voudraient ce préparer à cette situation que nous rencontrerons forcement un jour ou l'autre.
Et pourtant, il n'en est rien. La dureté apparente de ses propos n'est due qu'au fait qu'il nous présente la réalité de la mort telle qu'elle est, aussi bien la nôtre que celle de nos proches. J'ai beaucoup apprécié la structure du livre, dans un style très puritain, avec beaucoup de points et sous points, tous assez courts. La majeure partie du livre est rédigée sous forme de réponses à des questions ou des complaintes hypothétiques qu'un parent dans le deuil pourrait prononcer. Cette structure rend la lecture vivante et très pratique, puisqu'il est très facile de se retrouver dans les questions présentées.
Cela fait du bien de lire un livre qui, sur un sujet aussi sensible, ne tombe pas dans la langue de bois et le réconfort bon marché. Aucun mot n'est creux, aucun détour n'est emprunté, l'euphémisme est absent, et cela rend les propos des John Flavel toujours pertinents, et vraiment utiles pour une personne qui traverse le deuil. Il nous pousse sans cesse à faire face à la réalité de ce monde corrompu, de la mort qui est le salaire du péché pour tout homme, du Christ qui est notre seul espoir, et des grâces et promesses de Dieu qui demeurent nôtres même lorsque nous perdons tous ceux à qui nous tenons le plus. Cette fermeté qu'il peut avoir face à des chrétiens qui se comportent mal dans leur deuil est même touchante, lorsque nous savons qu'il a écrit cette lettre deux ans après le décès de sa seconde épouse.
En bref, je recommande vivement ce livre, évidemment à tous ceux qui traverseraient le deuil suite à la perte d'un être cher, ou qui accompagnent de telles personnes, ou tout simplement qui voudraient ce préparer à cette situation que nous rencontrerons forcement un jour ou l'autre.
November 19, 2019
I decided to purchase this book to help prepare myself for my mother's death.
She is lingering at present & although grief has not overtaken me yet I want to avoid such a condition & found this book instrumental if readying myself for not just her death but even my own.
John Flavel himself lost wives & children & yet he doesn't focus much on his personal loss, nor does one get any sense that he viewed himself as a victim of too much suffering or injustice.
Flavel weaved the sovereignty of God through every chapter & directs the readers focus on the glory that awaits, that believers should not become overburdened with sorrow as those outside of Christ often do
He even addresses the limits & uses of medicine, reminding us that even those are only efficacious if the Lord wills. Something rarely mentioned too is the need to get right with those we're estranged from before they die & our conscience convicts us but to no avail.
This is a useful little book for anyone seeking to better understand grieving & not be overcome by it.
She is lingering at present & although grief has not overtaken me yet I want to avoid such a condition & found this book instrumental if readying myself for not just her death but even my own.
John Flavel himself lost wives & children & yet he doesn't focus much on his personal loss, nor does one get any sense that he viewed himself as a victim of too much suffering or injustice.
Flavel weaved the sovereignty of God through every chapter & directs the readers focus on the glory that awaits, that believers should not become overburdened with sorrow as those outside of Christ often do
He even addresses the limits & uses of medicine, reminding us that even those are only efficacious if the Lord wills. Something rarely mentioned too is the need to get right with those we're estranged from before they die & our conscience convicts us but to no avail.
This is a useful little book for anyone seeking to better understand grieving & not be overcome by it.
September 25, 2024
Oh my, the puritan mind is so antithetical to our cultural Christianity! Flavel certainly earned the right to write this book given his own life experiences (loss of two wives and multiple children at various stages). But this 21st century Christian found his viewpoint more than just a little difficult. Rejoicing in trials is one thing but forbidding emotion at the loss of one's child was too cold for me to accept. On the other hand, Flavel's love for Christ and his knowledge of Scripture was undeniable. There were several gems of spiritual insight but the stern harshness was more than I could overcome.
November 5, 2024
Some strong medicine bound up in this short but deep book. Written by a 17th century minister who lost 3 wives and at least 2 children, this is taken from the advice he gave to a woman who had lost her only child.
There are some hard considerations he asks the recipient to meditate on, certainly not all of it the kind of counsel one would deem “sensitive” for the occasion. But it’s hard to argue with him biblically/theologically…it’s just hard to hear given our sensibilities today. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest this be the first book given to a new griever with fresh wounds; but it deeply ministered to me and challenged me at this point in my grief journey.
There are some hard considerations he asks the recipient to meditate on, certainly not all of it the kind of counsel one would deem “sensitive” for the occasion. But it’s hard to argue with him biblically/theologically…it’s just hard to hear given our sensibilities today. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest this be the first book given to a new griever with fresh wounds; but it deeply ministered to me and challenged me at this point in my grief journey.
January 19, 2021
This book has wonderful deep truths. I originally started to read it in order to recommend it to someone who has lost a dear loved one. While it speaks specifically to grieving the death of loved ones it can be extrapolated to any person or thing your heart may be tied to while alive. It is a book not just for mourners but for all people. It tests the loves of your heart and forces you to question whether you love God's gifts more than Him the giver. Easily 5 stars.
February 3, 2024
Flavel always bring the good stuff. Yet he knows that in times of grief people do not act as they ought, as they do in piety or on Sunday mornings. Flavel encourages people admits grief to trust God’s timing. Beware because excessive sorry can produce sin. Yet sorrow reveal who we are behind our facades. Sorrow should help us run to God but often we hesitate and focus on ourselves rather than God’s sovereignty. Therefore in our grief we must be intentional.
September 3, 2021
Flavel lost both parents to a plague in 1665, his wife and child during childbirth, and his pastorate in the Church of England in 1662. He helps those facing sorrow by pointing them to the one who was acquainted with grief.
December 12, 2024
Challenging thoughts… but also challenging reading (originally written in 1674). The writing got in the way of my understanding sometimes.
I would not recommend this to someone early in the grieving process, but there are a lot of truths here presented very straightforwardly.
I would not recommend this to someone early in the grieving process, but there are a lot of truths here presented very straightforwardly.
February 1, 2023
A little book written for parents experiencing the loss of a child. So sad to think how common this once was. Flavel writes from experience on grieving without losing oneself in grief.
December 5, 2023
A timely read for anyone facing a loss of a loved one. Many sweet comforts for and Scriptural exhortations to trust God.
November 15, 2025
Excellent work on grief (what is immoderate and what is appropriate) from the eminent Puritan John Flavel. I loved this book.
November 20, 2018
Helpful devotional meditation on how Christians can respond to grief and sorrow.
I think the book might feel alien to young Christians in particular, as he generally assumes that the reader understands that they have control over and ought to discipline their emotions. But I think that is more an indictment of our times rather than of Flavel's writing.
It was good to spend some time reflecting on how much devotion and doctrine Flavel can bring out of an issue.
I think the book might feel alien to young Christians in particular, as he generally assumes that the reader understands that they have control over and ought to discipline their emotions. But I think that is more an indictment of our times rather than of Flavel's writing.
It was good to spend some time reflecting on how much devotion and doctrine Flavel can bring out of an issue.
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