Um... Depressed people are... depressed?
In the first three chapters of Autumn, everybody dies. No spoiler there, it's on the back of the book. Some people don't die, but they have to stand there and watch everyone else die.
Carl is somehow immune, but finds his wife and baby dead in their home. Naturally he covers them with a blanket and leaves, because when your family dies the best thing to do is go for a brisk walk.
Micheal is standing in a classroom adressing a ridiculously mean group of students when suddenly they all start coughing, and die. Finding that every person in the school has died but him, he shrugs his shoulders and also decides to go for a walk.
Emma walks into a convenience store where she sees a group of people dying horribly, so she goes home and climbs into bed with a blanket on her head
And that's what pretty much happens in Autumn, the most uneventful apolcalyptic "thriller" since Mad Max 4: The Couch Warrior. Some of the dead bodies get up and start walking around, but they don't really do anything, and neither do the survivors, who are neatly divided between people who want to walk around and people who want to put a blanket over their heads. The only conflict emerges when one character wants to walk aound and one wants to put a blanket over their head and they disagree, angrily. Everybody is just too bummed out about what happened to even worry about things like food, and every third paragraph someone is moping over everything they've lost. Agressively moping. Eventually Micheal, Carl and Emma decide to drive away from the other survivors to find a different place to put blankets on their heads, because you can't fill fifty pages with JUST moping.
Everybody has a job to do. Carl's job is to stare out the window and not care about anything. Micheal's job is to have ideas, get angry at the others for not having ideas, and then not follow through on his ideas because they're just too much work. Emma's job is to start conversations, all of which go like this:
'Emma knew no one was going to say anything, so she might as well say something.
"What are we going to do. about [plot point]?" She asked inquisitively.
"I think we should [plot point] as soon as possible." Micheal answered irritably.
"Ok," said Emma, acknowledgingly.
An awkward silence followed.'
None of the characters like each other, and none of them make any attempt to identify with other or gain some closure for their shared loss, which is all any of them think about, endlessly. Sometimes, for no reason, they get into shouting matches over nothing:
"Listen, you son of a bitch, we need to BLAH BLAH right away!"
"Oh yeah? Well here's something you didn't think about, asshole! I agree with you completely!"
"Come over here and say that, you prick!"
Exchanges like this are meant to hide the fact that nothing has happened for a hundred and fifty pages, but it doesn't work because we've also been reading the last hundred and fifty pages.
Finally the zombies remember that, hey, we're zombies, dammit, we're supposed to fuck some shit up! So they start attacking. Things start to pick up. Mutual need brings our three miserable heroes together to fight the menace, and excitement abounds, right?
Nope. Here's the moment I realized the Maudlin Bus was only passing through Excitement Town and not stopping. Bear in mind that I'm paraphrasing:
Micheal walked around the farmhouse feeling his optimism grow. Now that the zombies were coming to eat their faces he felt better for the first time in days. He had a plan, it was a good plan, they could fight off the zombies and...
And then for no good reason he suddenly thought about some woman he'd never spoken to at work and with a crashing pang of despair he realized that she was dead. He sat down on the steps and wept for her, and for the kid at the burger king, and Liam Neeson, and everybody else, until I just wanted to climb inside the book Thursday Next-style and smack him in the head and say "Stop it! Just stop it!"
And there it is. No matter how long this goes on, it's never going to change for them. If they survive for ten years, find other survivors, have children, and rebuild society, they're still going to break down every time they see a Coke bottle because it will remind them that everybody who ever worked for Coke is dead.
People, where are the good zombie novels??? Why is every book in this genre that I've managed to find a piece of pointless crap? Bear in mind that the best zombie movie ever made was pretty much two hours of people smoking next to cardboard boxes and shopping in an abandoned mall, so the standards aren't that high. I just want a book that at least tries to be scary, with characters I don't hate in situations that don't make me want to bash my head through a wall. Am I asking too much?
And I just want to add that Autumn, after ten years of being a free E-book, has just recently been released in print, and Lucky Me, I got to be among the first to pay money to read this crap. .