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How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
What is that magic quality makes some people instantly loved and respected? Everyone wants to be their friend (or, if single, their lover!) In business, they rise swiftly to the top of the corporate ladder. What is their "Midas touch?"
What it boils down to is a more skillful way of dealing with people.
14 ways to walk and talk like a VIP or celebrity
6 ways to sound like an insider in any crowd
7 ways to establish deep subliminal rapport with anyone
9 ways to feed someone's ego (and know when NOT to!) 11 ways to make your phone a powerful communications tool
15 ways to work a party like a politician works a room 7 ways to talk with tigers and not get eaten alive
In her trademark entertaining and straight-shooting style, Leil gives the techniques catchy names so you'll remember them when you really need them, including: "Rubberneck the Room," "Be a Copyclass," "Come Hither Hands," “Bare Their Hot Button,” “The Great Scorecard in the Sky," and "Play the Tombstone Game,” for big success in your social life, romance, and business.
What it boils down to is a more skillful way of dealing with people.
The author has spent her career teaching people how to communicate for success. In her book How to Talk to Anyone (Contemporary Books, October 2003) Lowndes offers 92 easy and effective sure-fire success techniques-- she takes the reader from first meeting all the way up to sophisticated techniques used by the big winners in life. In this information-packed book you’ll find:
14 ways to walk and talk like a VIP or celebrity
6 ways to sound like an insider in any crowd
7 ways to establish deep subliminal rapport with anyone
9 ways to feed someone's ego (and know when NOT to!) 11 ways to make your phone a powerful communications tool
15 ways to work a party like a politician works a room 7 ways to talk with tigers and not get eaten alive
In her trademark entertaining and straight-shooting style, Leil gives the techniques catchy names so you'll remember them when you really need them, including: "Rubberneck the Room," "Be a Copyclass," "Come Hither Hands," “Bare Their Hot Button,” “The Great Scorecard in the Sky," and "Play the Tombstone Game,” for big success in your social life, romance, and business.
How to Talk to Anyone, which is an update of her popular book, Talking the Winner's Way (see the 5-star reviews of the latter) is based on solid research about techniques that work!
By the way, don't confuse How to Talk to Anyone with one of Leil's previous books, How to Talk to Anybody About Anything. This one is completely different!
"You'll not only break the ice, you'll melt it away with your new skills." -- Larry King
"The lost art of verbal communication may be revitalized by Leil Lowndes." -- Harvey McKay, author of “How to Swim with the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive”
369 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 1998
17733 people are currently reading
106785 people want to read
About the author
Leil Lowndes
136 books489 followersLeil Lowndes is an author and internationally recognized communications expert who specializes in subconscious interactions. She has conducted hundreds of seminars in the US and around the world for major corporations, associations, and the general public, and frequently appears as a guest expert on national television shows and major news networks. She has authored ten bestselling books on communications — most recently, How to Talk to Anyone at Work: 72 Little Tricks for Big Success Communicating on the Job — and is published in over 26 foreign languages. She lives in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,758 reviews
April 13, 2016
1. The Flooding Smile – Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
2. Sticky Eyes – Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks.
3. Epoxy Eyes – This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact.
4. Hang by Your Teeth – Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
5. The Big-Baby Pivot – Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I think you are very, very special.”
6. Hello Old Friend – When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between.
7. Limit the Fidget – Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
8. Hans’s Horse Sense – Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.
9. Watch the Scene before You Make the Scene – Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.
10. Make a Mood Match – Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a “psychic photograph” of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.
11. Prosaic with Passion – Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.
12. Always Wear a Whatzit – Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your . . . what IS that?”
13. Whoozat – Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.
14. Eavesdrop In – No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. . . .” Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
15. Never the Naked City – Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
16. Never the Naked Job – When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer” is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying “I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.” Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray.
17. Never the Naked Introduction – When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.
18. Be a Word Detective – Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other person.
19. The Swiveling Spotlight – When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.
20. Parroting – Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
21. Encore! – The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .” Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
22. Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive – When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”
23. The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home without It – The last move to make before leaving for the party — even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.
24. What Do You Do—NOT! – A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)
25. The Nutshell Résumé – Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written résumé off their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself, “What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?” Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks.
26. Your Personal Thesaurus – Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.
27. Kill the Quick “Me, Too!” – Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky
28. Comm-YOU-nication – Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms. When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.
29. The Exclusive Smile – If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face. If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.
30. Don’t Touch a Cliché with a Ten-Foot Pole – Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob. Instead of coughing up a cliché, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.
31. Use Jawsmith’s Jive – Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills. Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable. Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.
32. Call a Spade a Spade – Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five- and six-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and they speak it. Here’s another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation.
33. Trash the Teasing – A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws. Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.
34. It’s the Receiver’s Ball – A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.
35. The Broken Record – Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.
36. Big Shots Don’t Slobber – People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.
37. Never the Naked Thank You – Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”
38. Scramble Therapy – Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure.
39. Learn a Little Jobbledygook – Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is Jobbledygook? It’s the language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. How do you learn it? You’ll find no Jobbledygook cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold.
40. Baring Their Hot Button – Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.
41. Read Their Rags – Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists—or anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you’ll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonooz yet?)
42. Clear “Customs” – Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum up your entire gig.
43. Bluffing for Bargains – The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal. Before every big purchase, find several vendors—a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the store where you’re going to buy.
44. Be a Copyclass – Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy? Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you.
45. Echoing – Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.
46. Potent Imaging – Does your customer have a garden? Talk about “sowing the seeds for success.” Does your boss own a boat? Tell him or her about a concept that will “hold water” or “stay afloat.” Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a concept really “taking off.” She plays tennis? Tell her it really hits the “sweet spot.” Evoke your listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave images around it. To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your listener’s world, not your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you think like them and hints you share their interests.
47. Employ Empathizers – Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.” Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.
48. Anatomically Correct Empathizers – What part of their anatomy are your associates talking through? Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut? For visual people, use visual empathizers to make them think you see the world the way they do. For auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think you feel the same way they do.
49. The Premature WE – Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.
50. Instant History – When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History. With anyone you’d like to make part of your personal or professional future, look for special moments together. Then make them a refrain.
51. Grapevine Glory – A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, backscratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness.
52. Carrier Pigeon Kudos – People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news. (It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts.
2. Sticky Eyes – Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks.
3. Epoxy Eyes – This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact.
4. Hang by Your Teeth – Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
5. The Big-Baby Pivot – Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I think you are very, very special.”
6. Hello Old Friend – When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between.
7. Limit the Fidget – Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
8. Hans’s Horse Sense – Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.
9. Watch the Scene before You Make the Scene – Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.
10. Make a Mood Match – Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a “psychic photograph” of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.
11. Prosaic with Passion – Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.
12. Always Wear a Whatzit – Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your . . . what IS that?”
13. Whoozat – Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.
14. Eavesdrop In – No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. . . .” Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
15. Never the Naked City – Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
16. Never the Naked Job – When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer” is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying “I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.” Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray.
17. Never the Naked Introduction – When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.
18. Be a Word Detective – Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other person.
19. The Swiveling Spotlight – When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.
20. Parroting – Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.
21. Encore! – The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .” Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
22. Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive – When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”
23. The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home without It – The last move to make before leaving for the party — even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.
24. What Do You Do—NOT! – A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)
25. The Nutshell Résumé – Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written résumé off their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself, “What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?” Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks.
26. Your Personal Thesaurus – Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.
27. Kill the Quick “Me, Too!” – Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky
28. Comm-YOU-nication – Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms. When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.
29. The Exclusive Smile – If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face. If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.
30. Don’t Touch a Cliché with a Ten-Foot Pole – Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob. Instead of coughing up a cliché, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.
31. Use Jawsmith’s Jive – Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills. Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable. Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.
32. Call a Spade a Spade – Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five- and six-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and they speak it. Here’s another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation.
33. Trash the Teasing – A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws. Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.
34. It’s the Receiver’s Ball – A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.
35. The Broken Record – Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.
36. Big Shots Don’t Slobber – People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation.
37. Never the Naked Thank You – Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”
38. Scramble Therapy – Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure.
39. Learn a Little Jobbledygook – Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is Jobbledygook? It’s the language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. How do you learn it? You’ll find no Jobbledygook cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold.
40. Baring Their Hot Button – Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons.
41. Read Their Rags – Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists—or anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you’ll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonooz yet?)
42. Clear “Customs” – Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum up your entire gig.
43. Bluffing for Bargains – The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal. Before every big purchase, find several vendors—a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the store where you’re going to buy.
44. Be a Copyclass – Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy? Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you.
45. Echoing – Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences.
46. Potent Imaging – Does your customer have a garden? Talk about “sowing the seeds for success.” Does your boss own a boat? Tell him or her about a concept that will “hold water” or “stay afloat.” Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a concept really “taking off.” She plays tennis? Tell her it really hits the “sweet spot.” Evoke your listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave images around it. To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your listener’s world, not your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you think like them and hints you share their interests.
47. Employ Empathizers – Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.” Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue.
48. Anatomically Correct Empathizers – What part of their anatomy are your associates talking through? Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut? For visual people, use visual empathizers to make them think you see the world the way they do. For auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think you feel the same way they do.
49. The Premature WE – Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our.
50. Instant History – When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History. With anyone you’d like to make part of your personal or professional future, look for special moments together. Then make them a refrain.
51. Grapevine Glory – A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, backscratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness.
52. Carrier Pigeon Kudos – People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news. (It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts.
January 4, 2009
The woman who wrote this may have social skills, but she is also an idiot. The book is unfortunately so shoddily and offensively written, I often found myself needing to take breathers between chapters. At least 150 pages of this tome needn't exist. Like a true conversationalist, Landes makes sure every single "trick" is accompanied by one or two vapid anecdotes. She has some good tips, but far from 92 of them. Some just make you a stupid jerk -- instructions on how to trap someone else into speaking with a bore so you can walk away? Really?
Favorite idiotic quote-
"Most Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway: where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about the rest of the system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations."
You like this? By all means, grab a copy and dig in.
Favorite idiotic quote-
"Most Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway: where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about the rest of the system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations."
You like this? By all means, grab a copy and dig in.
November 18, 2016
A useful collection of tips for social interactions, mostly for business networking. They emphasize nonverbal communication such as body language and vocal tone. This book definitely increased my awareness of my social behavior, and I’ll keep several of the tips in mind.
If you’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People (my review) or other books about winning people over, you won’t find much new here. However, there are a few tips that countered common wisdom, such as waiting until after a caller announces their name to sound excited (rather than sounding excited as soon as you answer). Some tips seem disingenuous and manipulative, such as timing your smile, crafting your compliments, and altering your behavior, but most are sound.
I listened to the audiobook, which is energetically read by the author. She comes across as overconfident, but she’s also funny at times. The 3.5-hour recording contains 62 tips instead of the book’s 92.
By the way, besides How to Win Friends, I highly recommend Never Eat Alone (my review).
My favorite tips
• When introduced to someone, pivot 100% towards them.
• When asked what you do, give an explanation along with your job title.
• Listen for the other person to drop clues about their interests, then ask about them.
• Keep turning the “spotlight” of conversation on the other person.
• Parrot the other person’s last few words, in the form of a question, to keep the conversation going.
• Ask “How do you spend most of your time?” not “What do you do?”
• Mimic the motions and manners of the other person.
• Mimic the words and phrases of the other person.
• Use the words “we”, “us”, and “our” to imply camaraderie.
• The killer compliment: privately and sincerely compliment the other person on a specific, attractive quality or trait. Don't do this more than twice a year per person, or you'll dilute its effect.
• On the phone, replace gestures with words.
• On the phone, use a person’s name much more often than when face-to-face.
If you’ve read How to Win Friends and Influence People (my review) or other books about winning people over, you won’t find much new here. However, there are a few tips that countered common wisdom, such as waiting until after a caller announces their name to sound excited (rather than sounding excited as soon as you answer). Some tips seem disingenuous and manipulative, such as timing your smile, crafting your compliments, and altering your behavior, but most are sound.
I listened to the audiobook, which is energetically read by the author. She comes across as overconfident, but she’s also funny at times. The 3.5-hour recording contains 62 tips instead of the book’s 92.
By the way, besides How to Win Friends, I highly recommend Never Eat Alone (my review).
My favorite tips
• When introduced to someone, pivot 100% towards them.
• When asked what you do, give an explanation along with your job title.
• Listen for the other person to drop clues about their interests, then ask about them.
• Keep turning the “spotlight” of conversation on the other person.
• Parrot the other person’s last few words, in the form of a question, to keep the conversation going.
• Ask “How do you spend most of your time?” not “What do you do?”
• Mimic the motions and manners of the other person.
• Mimic the words and phrases of the other person.
• Use the words “we”, “us”, and “our” to imply camaraderie.
• The killer compliment: privately and sincerely compliment the other person on a specific, attractive quality or trait. Don't do this more than twice a year per person, or you'll dilute its effect.
• On the phone, replace gestures with words.
• On the phone, use a person’s name much more often than when face-to-face.
January 31, 2012
The first impulse is to rip this book to shreds in my review because of how many times it made me cringe and cover my face with my palm. I have honestly never read anything quite so...bombastic. It gets extremely laughable and pitiful. I shall elaborate.
The author of this book, Leil Lowndes, has divided the book into 92 "mini-essays" for each of her "little tricks". Each mini-essay comes with some kind of anecdote. You can guarantee these anecdotes will tell us all about Leil's very very high powered "Big Winner" or "Big Cat" friends, or her scorning and mocking one of her "little cat" friends who made some kind of gaffe. You can also find ridiculous analogies like "when a pack of wolves is chasing a jackrabbit through the jungle"...then what, Leil? They're all ridiculously lost? It tries so hard to reinforce her own inflated sense of self-importance it's almost like you're reading a pep talk from the author to herself. Half of it sounds like invented garbage and...to no real end.
But to be fair, there are some decent tips in the book. Perhaps not mind-blowing tips you would never have thought of, but certainly some communication strategies that are useful to read and draw your attention to. There's also a few - I would say a minority - which seem like such a hilariously bad idea I can't imagine anyone with an ounce of sense even thinking about following them. It should be noted however that almost every tip in the book is aimed towards people looking to make business contacts, sell things and network, rather than making real friends or improving personal relationships. One can certainly read between the lines and see places you could implement the tips in other ways, but do not expect them to be presented as such.
Overall, the book isn't terrible if we purely look at the content, but you're going to struggle your way through all of Leil's garbage boasting and Big Cat little cat talk. I feel like patting myself on the back for getting through it, to be honest!
The author of this book, Leil Lowndes, has divided the book into 92 "mini-essays" for each of her "little tricks". Each mini-essay comes with some kind of anecdote. You can guarantee these anecdotes will tell us all about Leil's very very high powered "Big Winner" or "Big Cat" friends, or her scorning and mocking one of her "little cat" friends who made some kind of gaffe. You can also find ridiculous analogies like "when a pack of wolves is chasing a jackrabbit through the jungle"...then what, Leil? They're all ridiculously lost? It tries so hard to reinforce her own inflated sense of self-importance it's almost like you're reading a pep talk from the author to herself. Half of it sounds like invented garbage and...to no real end.
But to be fair, there are some decent tips in the book. Perhaps not mind-blowing tips you would never have thought of, but certainly some communication strategies that are useful to read and draw your attention to. There's also a few - I would say a minority - which seem like such a hilariously bad idea I can't imagine anyone with an ounce of sense even thinking about following them. It should be noted however that almost every tip in the book is aimed towards people looking to make business contacts, sell things and network, rather than making real friends or improving personal relationships. One can certainly read between the lines and see places you could implement the tips in other ways, but do not expect them to be presented as such.
Overall, the book isn't terrible if we purely look at the content, but you're going to struggle your way through all of Leil's garbage boasting and Big Cat little cat talk. I feel like patting myself on the back for getting through it, to be honest!
December 19, 2007
2 word review, shit sandwich.
January 2, 2015
I read this book because the title was appealing to me, an awkward turtle. But it wasn't helpful at all. I'm not good at small talk even when I know what I should say, I probably have ADD and I don't like looking people in the eyes for too long. Nearly all these tips are so phony and about basically being a fake person for other people so they like you. The tips are all fairly obvious (if not contradictory) but it doesn't help anyone like me who already knows the lot of it but has severe trouble in actually applying them! I need a book that can give me a perspective of someone with limitations and how to work with them to my benefit, because surely there is one. This one is not that book. Also don't listen to the audiobook, oh my bananas, I couldn't stand the phoniness and fakeness that drips from the voice of author.
April 28, 2016
There's a (likely apocryphal) story about Groucho Marx being interviewed, where the interviewer asked him what the key to success as an actor was. Marx responded, "Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
Leil Lowndes apparently feels the same way, but she appears not to catch the irony in it.
There's a difference between advice that helps bring out the real you, enabling you to put your best foot forward, and advice that helps hide the real you, enabling you to convince people you're better than you are. This book falls squarely in the latter camp. Not worth reading.
Leil Lowndes apparently feels the same way, but she appears not to catch the irony in it.
There's a difference between advice that helps bring out the real you, enabling you to put your best foot forward, and advice that helps hide the real you, enabling you to convince people you're better than you are. This book falls squarely in the latter camp. Not worth reading.
December 27, 2023
The author starts by saying that Dale Carnegie's book of How to Win Friends and Influence People is not applicable for the 21st century any more. However, the author did nothing but copying the same lame ideas from his book and attached her name on the cover. I real time waster. Nevertheless, I listened to it through as an audiobook, however it keeps to be waste my valuable moments of peace. I really have to stop giving a chance to this sort of self-development books and keep in mind that they are nothing but turning you into a nasty doormat to people in order to be accepted. Just be yourself and everything is gonna be terrifically fine!
May 16, 2008
This lady probably has some good social skills herself, but she's a god damn idiot.
November 28, 2011
I'm on a mission of self-improvement. I found many of the tips in this book to be very helpful (especially those focused on conversations), and I'm already putting some of them into practice. What I liked was the practical advice and clear examples and anecdotes for each tip.
I docked a star because I while I understand where Lowndes was going with the "Big Cat" vs "Little Cat" comparison (or "Big Winners" vs "Losers"), at times I felt she took it too far. For example, it came across in the book that you're either a Big Cat communicator, or you're a Little Cat. That's too black-and-white for me. I think it's OK to be a "Medium Cat", because we're humans, not robots. I think it's best to strike a healthy balance. Too much of either thing is no good, in my humble opinion.
Also, near the end of the book, I felt that it was unnecessary for her to list which one of the friends she mentioned in her anecdotes were successful and which ones weren't. She made it sound as though all of her friends who made a single social faux pas were suddenly failures in life. Having good social skills is important, I get it, but c'mon, we're going to make mistakes along the way, too and we shouldn't be deemed permanent failures as a result. Mistakes are a part of learning.
But overall, great book, and as I mentioned earlier, I did leave with some good tips to put into practice, so that's a bonus.
I docked a star because I while I understand where Lowndes was going with the "Big Cat" vs "Little Cat" comparison (or "Big Winners" vs "Losers"), at times I felt she took it too far. For example, it came across in the book that you're either a Big Cat communicator, or you're a Little Cat. That's too black-and-white for me. I think it's OK to be a "Medium Cat", because we're humans, not robots. I think it's best to strike a healthy balance. Too much of either thing is no good, in my humble opinion.
Also, near the end of the book, I felt that it was unnecessary for her to list which one of the friends she mentioned in her anecdotes were successful and which ones weren't. She made it sound as though all of her friends who made a single social faux pas were suddenly failures in life. Having good social skills is important, I get it, but c'mon, we're going to make mistakes along the way, too and we shouldn't be deemed permanent failures as a result. Mistakes are a part of learning.
But overall, great book, and as I mentioned earlier, I did leave with some good tips to put into practice, so that's a bonus.
March 5, 2016
I can see why this received such mixed reviews. On one hand, some of these tips make sense. For example, when giving appreciation it's more meaningful to the recipient to hear why you're grateful, so you should always say, "Thank you for (something)." For some of her tips, she includes suggestions by experts in social sciences.
On the other hand, she sometimes offers advice and examples without ample research. For example, she suggests using a tradesperson's lingo to get a better deal. Then, she proceeds to give an example of her painter's advice on how the other painters might try to cheat her. First, this is clearly a biased source. He wants her business and he wants to look more honest and affordable than his competition. Secondly, she did not gain the required knowledge that she thinks she has. She thinks she can save hundreds of dollars by telling a painter that the spackle looks good to prevent the painter from marking up the prep work, which she thinks is the most lucrative part of a painter's job. Also, she clearly didn't understand the term "cut in." She suggests also telling painters that they don't need to cut in since there's only one color. She doesn't realize that the painter still needs to cut in the ceiling, floor, windows, doorframes, and any other edge that a paint roller can't reach. If the parts I’m knowledgeable in poke holes in her assertions, how can I trust anything else she says?
She also doesn’t follow her own advice. She advises to avoid clichés, yet her book is filled with them.
Perhaps my final complaint is not directly the author’s fault, but hearing about how people had to kowtow to “the big cats” was nauseating. At a certain point, many of these tips start sounding like a caste system. The message I began to hear was to play the game, stroke others’ egos so the people you consider important like being around you, and then you can become someone important, too. This message implies that some people are better than others, just due to corporate success. It also implies that your authentic self is not good enough. I found myself wanting to reach for a spiritual book that talks about how to be more genuinely show people affection and attention, regardless of where they stand on the corporate ladder.
On the other hand, she sometimes offers advice and examples without ample research. For example, she suggests using a tradesperson's lingo to get a better deal. Then, she proceeds to give an example of her painter's advice on how the other painters might try to cheat her. First, this is clearly a biased source. He wants her business and he wants to look more honest and affordable than his competition. Secondly, she did not gain the required knowledge that she thinks she has. She thinks she can save hundreds of dollars by telling a painter that the spackle looks good to prevent the painter from marking up the prep work, which she thinks is the most lucrative part of a painter's job. Also, she clearly didn't understand the term "cut in." She suggests also telling painters that they don't need to cut in since there's only one color. She doesn't realize that the painter still needs to cut in the ceiling, floor, windows, doorframes, and any other edge that a paint roller can't reach. If the parts I’m knowledgeable in poke holes in her assertions, how can I trust anything else she says?
She also doesn’t follow her own advice. She advises to avoid clichés, yet her book is filled with them.
Perhaps my final complaint is not directly the author’s fault, but hearing about how people had to kowtow to “the big cats” was nauseating. At a certain point, many of these tips start sounding like a caste system. The message I began to hear was to play the game, stroke others’ egos so the people you consider important like being around you, and then you can become someone important, too. This message implies that some people are better than others, just due to corporate success. It also implies that your authentic self is not good enough. I found myself wanting to reach for a spiritual book that talks about how to be more genuinely show people affection and attention, regardless of where they stand on the corporate ladder.
January 10, 2021
When i read this kind of books, i focus on 3 things that are important to me as a reader:
1- writing style
2- things that i can gain
3- research.
This book had non of the above, it focused to telling people not only to be artificial but to lose the essence of themselves in order to impress people.
1- writing style
2- things that i can gain
3- research.
This book had non of the above, it focused to telling people not only to be artificial but to lose the essence of themselves in order to impress people.
October 1, 2024
As an introverted, autistic, person - a lot of this book’s content made me cringe. Thank goodness I read a condensed version! A lot of it is just common sense on how to interact with others, and other parts come across as straight-up manipulation to try and get other people to like you?
Read on the Headway app, which condenses non-fiction books by their key-points to maximise quicker and more helpful learning. ✨🧠🖤
1 star
Read on the Headway app, which condenses non-fiction books by their key-points to maximise quicker and more helpful learning. ✨🧠🖤
1 star
January 30, 2022
"Every smile, every frown, every syllable, you utter, every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips, can draw others towards you, or make them want to run away."
+ good tips here and there
+ increased my awareness of social behaviours a tiny bit maybe
- too many anecdotes and WAY TOO MUCH WAFFLING
- It just felt as if this whole socialising thing was a game of manipulation to be liked
- no research
+ good tips here and there
+ increased my awareness of social behaviours a tiny bit maybe
- too many anecdotes and WAY TOO MUCH WAFFLING
- It just felt as if this whole socialising thing was a game of manipulation to be liked
- no research
May 13, 2016
از کتاباییه که هر کسی باید بخونه
به نظرم یک بار خوندن واسه اظهار نظر کافی نیست
وقتی بار دوم خوندم دوباره ادیت میکنم
به نظرم یک بار خوندن واسه اظهار نظر کافی نیست
وقتی بار دوم خوندم دوباره ادیت میکنم
August 14, 2021
If you have read and liked How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie, most likely you are going to like this book. In most cases, the author even goes a step further to make Carnegie’s timeless principles more bite sized & actionable.
The author outlines 92 techniques that’ll tune anyone into a smooth talker & an expert communicator. You will most likely not find all 92 techniques useful. However you’ll for sure pick up quite a few useful ones.
Word of caution though: if you get too excited & inspired after reading the book and want to start using all of these techniques all the time, step a step back! Moderation is the key in communication. Understand the context & use the techniques appropriately. In the pursuit of becoming an expert communicator, you don’t want to come across as tacky. Moderation is the key!
People often criticize this genre of communication books as clichéd & manipulative. However I still invite you to read this. Set aside your reservations & give it a go. Lots of basic communication etiquettes, that we expect to be common sense, are not really so common. So, no harm no foul in polishing up the basics. Just have the right intentions when you’re using the techniques.
Final pro tip: at the end of each chapter, there is a summary of the technique outlined within a box. Read those first & then read the rest of the chapter in full if that particular technique resonates with you. This will save you a lot of time otherwise wasted reading unnecessary explanation & anecdotes.
Happy reading & happy communicating!
The author outlines 92 techniques that’ll tune anyone into a smooth talker & an expert communicator. You will most likely not find all 92 techniques useful. However you’ll for sure pick up quite a few useful ones.
Word of caution though: if you get too excited & inspired after reading the book and want to start using all of these techniques all the time, step a step back! Moderation is the key in communication. Understand the context & use the techniques appropriately. In the pursuit of becoming an expert communicator, you don’t want to come across as tacky. Moderation is the key!
People often criticize this genre of communication books as clichéd & manipulative. However I still invite you to read this. Set aside your reservations & give it a go. Lots of basic communication etiquettes, that we expect to be common sense, are not really so common. So, no harm no foul in polishing up the basics. Just have the right intentions when you’re using the techniques.
Final pro tip: at the end of each chapter, there is a summary of the technique outlined within a box. Read those first & then read the rest of the chapter in full if that particular technique resonates with you. This will save you a lot of time otherwise wasted reading unnecessary explanation & anecdotes.
Happy reading & happy communicating!
August 18, 2017
I'm a big fan of clear communication and speaking up and representing yourself. I am also a big fan of relevant and concise information, without wasting anyone's time, especially my own and that of my clients'. This book is too long, it is badly read in the audio version AND it is dated. Very very dated. I lost track of moments I was embarrassed for the author because it would be so easy to revise and update this resource. And her self-aggrandizement got old after the first time she did it, but the entire book is full of examples of her own superior knowing to that of her friends and colleagues, about whom she shares entirely too much detail for me to feel comfortable for them being publicly shamed for their gaffes. My big takeaway from the book was this nugget: Instead of asking, "What do you do?", ask, "How do you spend most of your time?" Bypass this book and have a meaningful conversation with a stranger instead.
December 25, 2018
Good one , i listened to in on AudioBook :D
September 30, 2019
~✿✿~
••Writing alot of notes while reading this made me realize how much i enjoyed this book ,And it's my first time ever to give a book 5 stars .
••The techniques are really simple and useful , and i should say it already made me better at socializing .
••It explain how to be a good listener as it says in the book " open your ears like a detector searching for clue "
••also it makes you have awareness of the way you talk , choose your words , the way you react to your surroundings , and the way you respond to people. it gave me a reason why i couldn't communicate or get friends easily in the past .
••I wish i'd read this book before starting college .
••Some tips that i liked :
~ ✿ never make the phrase "Thank you " naked and alone , add something to it like ••((thank you for coming , thank you for waiting , thank you for being so loving , than you for understanding , thank you for getting us here , thank you for asking ))•• .
~ your smile is the best communication weapon .
~ while talking
The more you keep the lights away from you the more he or she will be interested at you .
~ do humanity a favor and never answer "where are you from ? " with one sentence .
~you should always avoid " what do you do ? " question , because people are alot more than their jobs , the right question is
How do you spend most of your time ?
~ some people will ask you
"What do you do ? " question so make sure not to give just one word answer
For example if you're a hair dresser
Say i help people fine the perfect hair style matching their looks and personality and so on.
~ never give the same compliment , although in the book it says this tip is just for man , but i think about it as a tip for both , male likes to get unrepeated compliments too .
~ kill the metoo .
Whenever someone tell you something that is in common with you don't stop their talking for giving a quick METOO! .
The longer you wait the more that person will be affected by you.
~ usig the broken record technique , To avoid answering questions .
~✿✿~
••Writing alot of notes while reading this made me realize how much i enjoyed this book ,And it's my first time ever to give a book 5 stars .
••The techniques are really simple and useful , and i should say it already made me better at socializing .
••It explain how to be a good listener as it says in the book " open your ears like a detector searching for clue "
••also it makes you have awareness of the way you talk , choose your words , the way you react to your surroundings , and the way you respond to people. it gave me a reason why i couldn't communicate or get friends easily in the past .
••I wish i'd read this book before starting college .
••Some tips that i liked :
~ ✿ never make the phrase "Thank you " naked and alone , add something to it like ••((thank you for coming , thank you for waiting , thank you for being so loving , than you for understanding , thank you for getting us here , thank you for asking ))•• .
~ your smile is the best communication weapon .
~ while talking
The more you keep the lights away from you the more he or she will be interested at you .
~ do humanity a favor and never answer "where are you from ? " with one sentence .
~you should always avoid " what do you do ? " question , because people are alot more than their jobs , the right question is
How do you spend most of your time ?
~ some people will ask you
"What do you do ? " question so make sure not to give just one word answer
For example if you're a hair dresser
Say i help people fine the perfect hair style matching their looks and personality and so on.
~ never give the same compliment , although in the book it says this tip is just for man , but i think about it as a tip for both , male likes to get unrepeated compliments too .
~ kill the metoo .
Whenever someone tell you something that is in common with you don't stop their talking for giving a quick METOO! .
The longer you wait the more that person will be affected by you.
~ usig the broken record technique , To avoid answering questions .
~✿✿~
August 29, 2022
eh, this book was not great, also v dramatic haha. wouldn’t recommend. most of the tips seemed like tricks on how to fool someone into thinking you care about them. IMO, i feel ppl can see through superficial/fake moves that “show” you’re listening. instead of focusing on when to smile or how to make eye contact, i think the most important focus is ACTUALLY listening. eye contact and well-placed smiles can never make up for genuine care and seeking to understand. pass on this book.
if you like the idea of this book, read 7 habits of highly effective ppl or never split the difference instead.
if you like the idea of this book, read 7 habits of highly effective ppl or never split the difference instead.
June 3, 2020
Another manipulation book masking as self-improvement. The message of these books of deception is to teach you how to use people for selfish reasons to gain yourself favours and social standing. It's morally repulsive and not even particularly good. The author laboured to come up with 92, and most of them are so crappy I have no clue how this was published. Don't always use the same words to pretend you're listening to someone, instead of "Right" and "I see", use "Makes sense." That way you appear more sophisticated.
What a terrible waste of time and total trash.
What a terrible waste of time and total trash.
February 17, 2013
This book sucks.
August 17, 2017
Phải công nhận đây là một cuốn sách rất thực tế, rất cuốn hút và thuyết phục. Tác giả Leil Lowndes đã tìm được một chỗ đứng cho riêng mình trong các thể loại sách giao tiếp khi bà đã cụ thể hóa, "chỉ tận nơi" cách để đắc nhân tâm. Không nằm ngoài những quy luật quan trọng của cuốn sách kinh điển "Đắc nhân tâm", đó là luôn hướng giao tiếp đến người khác, nhưng nếu như DNT chỉ dừng lại ở mức "principle" thì Leil đào sâu vào những ví dụ cụ thể, những thủ thuật tưởng chừng như đơn giản nhưng lại đủ để làm tan chảy trái tim người khác.Gọi là 92 thủ thuật nhưng thật ra chẳng thể nào dùng hết chúng đâu, hơn nữa mình thấy có nhiều thứ có thể gộp lại cho dễ nhớ. Nói chung theo mình là nên chia như thế này:
Phần 1: Tạo ấn tượng lần đầu không lời: không nên cười quá sớm, tạo nhiều điệu cười khác nhau, tạo cho mắt mình có một chiều sâu.
Phần 2: Cách bắt chuyện phiếm: đây là phần thực sự không đơn giản đối vs những người ham học ham lamf^^. Căn bản vì ham học quá nên có bao giờ để ý đến mấy thứ linh tinh vớ vẩn đâu. Nhưng Leil đã giúp tìm ra giải pháp bằng cách tạo điểm nhấn cho bản thân, tạo những câu trả lời mở, "nghe lén" để tìm ra điểm thích hợp hòa nhập vào đám đông, đọc qua tin tức để tạo chủ đề thảo luận,...
Phần 3+4+5: Cách giao tiếp uy lực: Phần này yêu cầu người đọc phải xây dựng thành thói quen mới có thể thuần thục được. Tựu chung lại những thứ nổi bật nhất theo mình đó là phải xây dựng được một vốn sống phong phú, hệ thống ngôn từ rộng, biết sử dụng thuật ngữ của người trong cuộc để tạo cảm giác gần gũi, lấy lòng người nghe. Ngôn từ giao tiếp là một vũ khí tối thượng để lấy lòng người nghe, đòi hỏi phải có sự tinh tế và tập luyện rất nhiều lần.
Phần 6: cách khen: khen là cả một nghệ thuật đó. Không phải cứ khen nhiều là người đối diện thấy thích và không phải ai cũng biết đáp lại lời khem một cách tài tình. Một lời khen gián tiếp, nhẹ nhàng, thông qua khâu trung gian và hơi kín đáo, đúng lúc, đúng chỗ chính cách tốt nhất để người nghe cảm thấy phấn khích. Khi mình là người được khen, thủ thuật boomerang chính là cách đáp khéo léo nhất mang cả niềm vui cho người khen.
Phần 7: Cách nói chuyện qua điện thoại:Toàn bộ cảm xúc chỉ được thể hiện qua lời nói nên phải thể hiện làm sao cho thật truyền cảm. Hơn nữa, cần phải tinh tế nhận ra thời điểm thích hợp "đèn xanh"để nói chuyện, đâu phải cứ nói lúc nào là được đâu :)
Phần 8: Dự tiệc: Cũng là cả một kỳ công chuẩn bị
Phần 9: Phá bỏ trở ngại lớn nhất: Đây là phần cực kỳ hữu hiệu cho những ai đang muốn giảm độ "vô duyên" của mình nhất. Không thể tóm gọn lại được, vì mỗi thủ thuật là mỗi một trường hợp riêng biệt.
Nói chung, những thủ thuật của Leil Lowndes không thể chê vào đâu được cả. Ngòi bút viết rất "trôi", hài hước, lách sâu đến mức người đọc phải trầm trồ vì sự khéo léo và tinh tế của tác giả. Từ những cử chỉ rất nhỏ nhặt thôi nhưng đào sâu trong đó lại là cả một nghệ thuật "đốn tim" người nhận kể cả người khó tính nhất. Bản dịch của alpha book thì khỏi phải nói rồi, dịch rất tốt, có chăng chỉ là đoạn tác giả phân tích sâu về sắc thái ngôn ngữ nên nhiều khi tiếng Việt không thể nào thể hiện được. Nhưng lý thuyết vẫn chỉ là lý thuyết, chẳng bao giờ mình dùng hết được, nhưng cũng chẳng bao giờ mình quên nó được, chỉ có thực hành+chiêm nghiệm+ đọc lại mới tạo nên thói quen và độ thuần thục mà thôi.
Phần 1: Tạo ấn tượng lần đầu không lời: không nên cười quá sớm, tạo nhiều điệu cười khác nhau, tạo cho mắt mình có một chiều sâu.
Phần 2: Cách bắt chuyện phiếm: đây là phần thực sự không đơn giản đối vs những người ham học ham lamf^^. Căn bản vì ham học quá nên có bao giờ để ý đến mấy thứ linh tinh vớ vẩn đâu. Nhưng Leil đã giúp tìm ra giải pháp bằng cách tạo điểm nhấn cho bản thân, tạo những câu trả lời mở, "nghe lén" để tìm ra điểm thích hợp hòa nhập vào đám đông, đọc qua tin tức để tạo chủ đề thảo luận,...
Phần 3+4+5: Cách giao tiếp uy lực: Phần này yêu cầu người đọc phải xây dựng thành thói quen mới có thể thuần thục được. Tựu chung lại những thứ nổi bật nhất theo mình đó là phải xây dựng được một vốn sống phong phú, hệ thống ngôn từ rộng, biết sử dụng thuật ngữ của người trong cuộc để tạo cảm giác gần gũi, lấy lòng người nghe. Ngôn từ giao tiếp là một vũ khí tối thượng để lấy lòng người nghe, đòi hỏi phải có sự tinh tế và tập luyện rất nhiều lần.
Phần 6: cách khen: khen là cả một nghệ thuật đó. Không phải cứ khen nhiều là người đối diện thấy thích và không phải ai cũng biết đáp lại lời khem một cách tài tình. Một lời khen gián tiếp, nhẹ nhàng, thông qua khâu trung gian và hơi kín đáo, đúng lúc, đúng chỗ chính cách tốt nhất để người nghe cảm thấy phấn khích. Khi mình là người được khen, thủ thuật boomerang chính là cách đáp khéo léo nhất mang cả niềm vui cho người khen.
Phần 7: Cách nói chuyện qua điện thoại:Toàn bộ cảm xúc chỉ được thể hiện qua lời nói nên phải thể hiện làm sao cho thật truyền cảm. Hơn nữa, cần phải tinh tế nhận ra thời điểm thích hợp "đèn xanh"để nói chuyện, đâu phải cứ nói lúc nào là được đâu :)
Phần 8: Dự tiệc: Cũng là cả một kỳ công chuẩn bị
Phần 9: Phá bỏ trở ngại lớn nhất: Đây là phần cực kỳ hữu hiệu cho những ai đang muốn giảm độ "vô duyên" của mình nhất. Không thể tóm gọn lại được, vì mỗi thủ thuật là mỗi một trường hợp riêng biệt.
Nói chung, những thủ thuật của Leil Lowndes không thể chê vào đâu được cả. Ngòi bút viết rất "trôi", hài hước, lách sâu đến mức người đọc phải trầm trồ vì sự khéo léo và tinh tế của tác giả. Từ những cử chỉ rất nhỏ nhặt thôi nhưng đào sâu trong đó lại là cả một nghệ thuật "đốn tim" người nhận kể cả người khó tính nhất. Bản dịch của alpha book thì khỏi phải nói rồi, dịch rất tốt, có chăng chỉ là đoạn tác giả phân tích sâu về sắc thái ngôn ngữ nên nhiều khi tiếng Việt không thể nào thể hiện được. Nhưng lý thuyết vẫn chỉ là lý thuyết, chẳng bao giờ mình dùng hết được, nhưng cũng chẳng bao giờ mình quên nó được, chỉ có thực hành+chiêm nghiệm+ đọc lại mới tạo nên thói quen và độ thuần thục mà thôi.
October 2, 2023
it’s an incredible collection of tips! the book is jam-packed with advice on mastering nonverbal communication like body language.
i was blown away by the insights in this book and can't wait to put them into practice in my own interactions. they sound interesting and fun. a must-read for anyone looking to up their social game. don't miss out on the opportunity to transform your communication skills!
BUT let me spill the tea on the issues i have with this book!
when it comes to mastering the art of social interaction, we stumble upon a few tips that strike as duplicitous and manipulative. you know, those sneaky tactics like strategically timing your smile, carefully crafting your compliments, or even altering your behavior to fit the situation.
i was blown away by the insights in this book and can't wait to put them into practice in my own interactions. they sound interesting and fun. a must-read for anyone looking to up their social game. don't miss out on the opportunity to transform your communication skills!
BUT let me spill the tea on the issues i have with this book!
when it comes to mastering the art of social interaction, we stumble upon a few tips that strike as duplicitous and manipulative. you know, those sneaky tactics like strategically timing your smile, carefully crafting your compliments, or even altering your behavior to fit the situation.
November 10, 2017
The author starts this book explaining how anecdotes are a memorable way to carry a message. The author then continues to anecdote you to death. For every would be sentence of wisdom there is 2 pages of useless anecdote.
The wisdom in this book is essentially the notes taken from reading good books of the same genre, then separating them with anecdotes. No research. no studies. no tests... just anecdotes. Anecdotes that you instantly do not believe as the author has told you already they serve the purpose of helping you remember.
Death by 1000 anecdotes. Read only if you hate editors.
The wisdom in this book is essentially the notes taken from reading good books of the same genre, then separating them with anecdotes. No research. no studies. no tests... just anecdotes. Anecdotes that you instantly do not believe as the author has told you already they serve the purpose of helping you remember.
Death by 1000 anecdotes. Read only if you hate editors.
March 17, 2015
چندین بار دیگه هم ،خواهم خوند این کتاب رو8>
June 1, 2012
Having scoured Amazon for days, I finally narrowed my selection to three books on social skills, one of which was this book.
I was looking for advice on honing my conversational skills to the level of a social butterfly. Having some experience as a management trainer, I look at self-help books critically and here is my analysis.
First the positives. This book does teach you some important and overlooked facts that are helpful for all of us, as they may be our blind spots. It also gives you real life examples to support the points. There are quite a few very helpful tips in there. It is especially good for people who are socially challenged.
On the downside, the book traverses social and professional settings, zigzagging its path, which becomes a tad confusing. The format of the book is such that it overlaps the two. However, my preference would have been two separate sections on social and professional settings. Afterall a date is dealt with differently than a prospective client. Partying skills are presented at the end, while first impressions are presented upfront. This formatting is focused on producing 92 separate tips and relating social situations to conform to them. It would have been better to classify social situations with their progression and then offer tips accordingly, which would have made the book more coherent and pragmatic.
The book borrows from Dale Carnegie and yet dismisses his tips as dated, this was a put off for me. Dale did not stretch his book to over 300 pages, he just wrote the basic idea and let the reader apply it intelligently.
Despite its shortcomings, its still a useful book for picking up some good pointers.
I was looking for advice on honing my conversational skills to the level of a social butterfly. Having some experience as a management trainer, I look at self-help books critically and here is my analysis.
First the positives. This book does teach you some important and overlooked facts that are helpful for all of us, as they may be our blind spots. It also gives you real life examples to support the points. There are quite a few very helpful tips in there. It is especially good for people who are socially challenged.
On the downside, the book traverses social and professional settings, zigzagging its path, which becomes a tad confusing. The format of the book is such that it overlaps the two. However, my preference would have been two separate sections on social and professional settings. Afterall a date is dealt with differently than a prospective client. Partying skills are presented at the end, while first impressions are presented upfront. This formatting is focused on producing 92 separate tips and relating social situations to conform to them. It would have been better to classify social situations with their progression and then offer tips accordingly, which would have made the book more coherent and pragmatic.
The book borrows from Dale Carnegie and yet dismisses his tips as dated, this was a put off for me. Dale did not stretch his book to over 300 pages, he just wrote the basic idea and let the reader apply it intelligently.
Despite its shortcomings, its still a useful book for picking up some good pointers.
August 6, 2016
A book of tips on increasing communication skills. While there are some interesting tips, particularly in the opening and compliments sections, the message of this book is seriously undermined by three flaws.
First, the book has a pervasively smug tone. Many readers will be put off by the number of times the author refers to "big winners," "big players," and "big cats," and the constant sense that the author is trying to boast of her "big tiger" friends in the furniture industry. This overweening attitude is exacerbated by the undercurrent of petty mean-spiritedness displayed in the examples. At one point, the author even refers to one of her "friends" as a "little loser" for making a mild faux pas.
Second, some of the advice is highly questionable. I found myself flinching at several tips, because when I see those techniques used in real life, I instantly have a negative reaction; the person in question generally comes off as smarmy. I don't see people whose social skills and achievements I admire acting in line with these tips.
Third, apart from the opening section, little of the advice is supported by scientific literature. Instead, it's mostly just supported by an anecdote or two from the author's life.
All of these factors lead me to distrust this book.
First, the book has a pervasively smug tone. Many readers will be put off by the number of times the author refers to "big winners," "big players," and "big cats," and the constant sense that the author is trying to boast of her "big tiger" friends in the furniture industry. This overweening attitude is exacerbated by the undercurrent of petty mean-spiritedness displayed in the examples. At one point, the author even refers to one of her "friends" as a "little loser" for making a mild faux pas.
Second, some of the advice is highly questionable. I found myself flinching at several tips, because when I see those techniques used in real life, I instantly have a negative reaction; the person in question generally comes off as smarmy. I don't see people whose social skills and achievements I admire acting in line with these tips.
Third, apart from the opening section, little of the advice is supported by scientific literature. Instead, it's mostly just supported by an anecdote or two from the author's life.
All of these factors lead me to distrust this book.
February 17, 2022
Luckily this book was on kindle bc it would be such a waste of paper
Like genuinely this should’ve been a Buzfeed list
Why does anyone need to know all these random stories ab her very many friends like who is writing these down? Surely most are made up.
More than that my biggest issue is that this book completely disregards the actual privileges that exist which you can’t smile or talk your way into!! Wealth, pretty, race, gender, age, physical and mental disabilities!? Ever heard of these things
Waste of time
Like genuinely this should’ve been a Buzfeed list
Why does anyone need to know all these random stories ab her very many friends like who is writing these down? Surely most are made up.
More than that my biggest issue is that this book completely disregards the actual privileges that exist which you can’t smile or talk your way into!! Wealth, pretty, race, gender, age, physical and mental disabilities!? Ever heard of these things
Waste of time
December 2, 2020
توی این کتاب ۹۲ تا درس برای چگونه ارتباط برقرار کردن چه در کار چه در روابط شخصی در قالب یه داستان کوتاه گفته میشه. آخر هر درس توی کادر نکته ی اصلی دوباره تاکید شده که توی کتاب های self-help به نظرم خیلی موثره.
قطعا هر ۹۲ تا درس قرار نیست به کارمون بیان و بتونیم ازشون استفاده کنیم. اما اگه حتی ۱۰ مورد رو هم پس ذهنمون نگه داریم ارتباطمون با بقیه ۱۰ برابر بهتر میشه.چی از این بهتر!
قطعا هر ۹۲ تا درس قرار نیست به کارمون بیان و بتونیم ازشون استفاده کنیم. اما اگه حتی ۱۰ مورد رو هم پس ذهنمون نگه داریم ارتباطمون با بقیه ۱۰ برابر بهتر میشه.چی از این بهتر!
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