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The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence
Bestselling author of Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons exposes the myth of the Good Girl, freeing girls from its impossible standards and encouraging them to embrace their real selvesIn The Curse of the Good Girl, bestselling author Rachel Simmons argues that in lionizing the Good Girl we are teaching girls to embrace a version of selfhood that sharply curtails their power and potential. Unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless, the Good Girl is a paradigm so narrowly defined that it's unachievable. When girls inevitably fail to live up-experiencing conflicts with peers, making mistakes in the classroom or on the playing field-they are paralyzed by self-criticism, stunting the growth of vital skills and habits. Simmons traces the poisonous impact of Good Girl pressure on development and provides a strategy to reverse the tide. At once expository and prescriptive, The Curse of the Good Girl is a call to arms from a new front in female empowerment. Looking to the stories shared by the women and girls who attend her workshops, Simmons shows that Good Girl pressure from parents, teachers, coaches, media, and peers erects a psychological glass ceiling that begins to enforce its confines in girlhood and extends across the female lifespan. The curse of the Good Girl erodes girls' ability to know, express, and manage a complete range of feelings. It expects girls to be selfless, limiting the expression of their needs. It requires modesty, depriving the permission to articulate their strengths and goals. It diminishes assertive body language, quieting voices and weakening handshakes. It touches all areas of girls' lives and follows many into adulthood, limiting their personal and professional potential. Since the popularization of the Ophelia phenomenon, we have lamented the loss of self-esteem in adolescent girls, recognizing that while the doors of opportunity are open to twenty-first-century American girls, many lack the confidence to walk through them. In The Curse of the Good Girl, Simmons provides a catalog of tangible lessons in bolstering the self and silencing the curse of the Good Girl. At the core of Simmons's radical argument is her belief that the most critical freedom we can win for our daughters is the liberty not only to listen to their inner voice but also to act on it.
300 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 23, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 211 reviews
July 16, 2020
This is tough. It's easy to say: "I'm okay with people not liking me." Or "Oh, bec. I'm not a good girl, that's why people don't like me." I know, bec. for the most part I don't care what people think of me. And yet I find myself doing some of these things. Reading this book, I suddenly observed "good girl" interactions everywhere. On one occasion, I was distracted and slow to answer a question from another female. The other woman got upset and left the room. I had just met her and started thinking: do I play the "good girl" to keep the peace or do I let the situation play out. She came back into the room and asked me what was wrong. I said that I had been in a work session all day and now that it was 10 minutes to the end of the session my mind was on leaving. This seemed to upset her even more. I've decided to think she was at the end of a long day also. However, this interaction will be in my thoughts the next time we work together.
Good girls give their power away to keep the peace. Reading the book, I kept thinking: what's the solution? And the simple conclusion seems to be - don't give your power away. And yet, I think there are real consequences. We all know girls can shun an uncooperative girl. But it's more than that piece. There are real consequences for speaking your voice - take the Heidi/Howard Roizen example. The same business case study was given to students only the names were changed. More students liked Howard and wanted to work for him. Students of both genders were harsher in their perception of Heidi. Not so likable and more importantly less likely to be hired.
http://changetheratio.tumblr.com/post...
Without practice - women aren't that good at speaking their voice. Not caring what other people think of you is a lot different than staying true to your voice.
While women continue to excel in school, we are not breaking the glass ceiling at the workplace.
Simmons presentation is difficult for me - bec. her presentation made things black and white. And every good girl knows how to play the grey. And even in her black and white delivery, she seems to miss discussing the real consequences and then how to address them. The book provides many examples of Good Girls. Once it's pointed out, it's all too easy to see.
Good girls give their power away to keep the peace. Reading the book, I kept thinking: what's the solution? And the simple conclusion seems to be - don't give your power away. And yet, I think there are real consequences. We all know girls can shun an uncooperative girl. But it's more than that piece. There are real consequences for speaking your voice - take the Heidi/Howard Roizen example. The same business case study was given to students only the names were changed. More students liked Howard and wanted to work for him. Students of both genders were harsher in their perception of Heidi. Not so likable and more importantly less likely to be hired.
http://changetheratio.tumblr.com/post...
Without practice - women aren't that good at speaking their voice. Not caring what other people think of you is a lot different than staying true to your voice.
While women continue to excel in school, we are not breaking the glass ceiling at the workplace.
Simmons presentation is difficult for me - bec. her presentation made things black and white. And every good girl knows how to play the grey. And even in her black and white delivery, she seems to miss discussing the real consequences and then how to address them. The book provides many examples of Good Girls. Once it's pointed out, it's all too easy to see.
April 24, 2012
Wow. I never write reviews but really felt to need to for this one so forgive me if it is a bit choppy.
This is such a great book for anyone with a daughter or works with adolescent girls. This book talks about the pressure young girls (and women) face to be a "good girl", one who is always nice and selfless, and how being that "good girl" actually leads to a loss of self and empowerment.
The author first makes her case against the Good Girl. Discussing how in her attempt to always be nice, girls don't say what they mean, they hide their feelings, misread the feelings of those around them, and on and on. And personally, I was amazed and how often she talked about things, that I myself am guilty of. There is also discussion about the ramifications on women as a whole and for the individual, who grow up with this Good Girl mentality. And then she goes gives lots of examples and exercises (I know, sounds lame, but I will probably be doing them with my daughter when she is older) to help your daughter move away from the Good Girl and towards becoming a Real Girl. A girl who has feelings and opinions and the confidence to own them.
I will be reading this book again as my daughter gets older and will recommend it to all my friends with daughters.
This is such a great book for anyone with a daughter or works with adolescent girls. This book talks about the pressure young girls (and women) face to be a "good girl", one who is always nice and selfless, and how being that "good girl" actually leads to a loss of self and empowerment.
The author first makes her case against the Good Girl. Discussing how in her attempt to always be nice, girls don't say what they mean, they hide their feelings, misread the feelings of those around them, and on and on. And personally, I was amazed and how often she talked about things, that I myself am guilty of. There is also discussion about the ramifications on women as a whole and for the individual, who grow up with this Good Girl mentality. And then she goes gives lots of examples and exercises (I know, sounds lame, but I will probably be doing them with my daughter when she is older) to help your daughter move away from the Good Girl and towards becoming a Real Girl. A girl who has feelings and opinions and the confidence to own them.
I will be reading this book again as my daughter gets older and will recommend it to all my friends with daughters.
March 7, 2010
Original review here: http://lalakme.blogspot.com/2009/09/c...
Shortly before the big move, TLC Book Tours contacted me about reviewing The Curse of the Good Girl by Rachel Simmons on my blog. My first inclination was to say, "No, thank you. Too much on my plate right now." But then I read the book's description and, as a mother of girls, I thought I shouldn't pass up the opportunity.
When Joel and I first turned the key in our new home, the book was already waiting for me to begin reading.
As I started reading the introduction, I began to worry that this book would be a little too feminist for my tastes. That the ideas contained in its pages would teach girls to be selfish and mean and only concern themselves with their own feelings. What about compassion and service and selflessness? What about kindness and respect?
But then a particular passage struck me, and I was on board with the idea.
"There is nothing wrong with being a nice person, nor is it my intent to undermine the unique sensibilities of women and girls. But girls need to have the tools to say no, to ask for what they need, and to say what they think. Too many girls and women walk away from conversations muttering to themselves about what they really wanted to say. When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having. And when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving."
Wow.
So I kept reading, and to my horror, I discovered that I myself am what Rachel Simmons calls a "Good Girl." (So horrifying, right?) I began to realize that much of the inner angst I put myself through is because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling a certain way, so I don't allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is I shouldn't be feeling, even though I am feeling it so I just bottle it all up inside until I have PMS and it all comes screaming out. And then I can just blame PMS.
Or something like that.
It seems so logical--almost too logical--that instead of keeping it all in, I should instead learn to communicate how I am feeling to the people I love most. And that's just the beginning.
Good Girls are afraid to take risk. Any hint of criticism causes them to fall apart. They are afraid to ask for what they need, instead just hinting or expecting those around them to be mind readers. They can't stand it when somebody doesn't like them. They are afraid to have an opinion, because it might differ from someone else's opinion.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Like I said, it all was horribly familiar to me. I am the poster child for being a Good Girl.
I figured I ought to try some real-life application of some of these principles. The book gives some excellent role-playing situations where mothers can help their daughters learn to understand and deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. I do plan to use these ideas with my daughters, but my real-life application had to be for myself. To see what happened to my Good Girl mentality when I personally used some of the principles I had read about.
So, after a big move which caused much stress on me, I had definitely been bottling more emotions than usual. I pretty much had a year's supply. I was feeling annoyed with my husband, and that annoyance had quickly morphed into all out anger. Anger that I wasn't supposed to be feeling, so I pretended not to be. In the end, I sat down and wrote him an email about the way I was feeling. The results were amazing. He came home from work, having read my email, and we talked (civilly) for a long time and guess what? He wasn't mad at me. We came up with solutions together. He actually understood where I was coming from because I stayed calm and explained what I was feeling and why, instead of blowing up when I finally couldn't take the negative feelings anymore.
With all of that said, I still feel that the author sometimes took things a little too far. I would have liked to see a point of view that was more religious, and how to find a balance between the things I am taught in order to be more Christlike, and the things that I need to do to be emotionally healthy and confident.
Definitely a good read, especially if you have teen-aged daughters, or daughters who are rapidly approaching adolescence, like I do. It's a quick first-time read, and then can serve as an excellent reference book afterwards.
Shortly before the big move, TLC Book Tours contacted me about reviewing The Curse of the Good Girl by Rachel Simmons on my blog. My first inclination was to say, "No, thank you. Too much on my plate right now." But then I read the book's description and, as a mother of girls, I thought I shouldn't pass up the opportunity.
When Joel and I first turned the key in our new home, the book was already waiting for me to begin reading.
As I started reading the introduction, I began to worry that this book would be a little too feminist for my tastes. That the ideas contained in its pages would teach girls to be selfish and mean and only concern themselves with their own feelings. What about compassion and service and selflessness? What about kindness and respect?
But then a particular passage struck me, and I was on board with the idea.
"There is nothing wrong with being a nice person, nor is it my intent to undermine the unique sensibilities of women and girls. But girls need to have the tools to say no, to ask for what they need, and to say what they think. Too many girls and women walk away from conversations muttering to themselves about what they really wanted to say. When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having. And when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving."
Wow.
So I kept reading, and to my horror, I discovered that I myself am what Rachel Simmons calls a "Good Girl." (So horrifying, right?) I began to realize that much of the inner angst I put myself through is because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling a certain way, so I don't allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is I shouldn't be feeling, even though I am feeling it so I just bottle it all up inside until I have PMS and it all comes screaming out. And then I can just blame PMS.
Or something like that.
It seems so logical--almost too logical--that instead of keeping it all in, I should instead learn to communicate how I am feeling to the people I love most. And that's just the beginning.
Good Girls are afraid to take risk. Any hint of criticism causes them to fall apart. They are afraid to ask for what they need, instead just hinting or expecting those around them to be mind readers. They can't stand it when somebody doesn't like them. They are afraid to have an opinion, because it might differ from someone else's opinion.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Like I said, it all was horribly familiar to me. I am the poster child for being a Good Girl.
I figured I ought to try some real-life application of some of these principles. The book gives some excellent role-playing situations where mothers can help their daughters learn to understand and deal with their emotions in a healthy manner. I do plan to use these ideas with my daughters, but my real-life application had to be for myself. To see what happened to my Good Girl mentality when I personally used some of the principles I had read about.
So, after a big move which caused much stress on me, I had definitely been bottling more emotions than usual. I pretty much had a year's supply. I was feeling annoyed with my husband, and that annoyance had quickly morphed into all out anger. Anger that I wasn't supposed to be feeling, so I pretended not to be. In the end, I sat down and wrote him an email about the way I was feeling. The results were amazing. He came home from work, having read my email, and we talked (civilly) for a long time and guess what? He wasn't mad at me. We came up with solutions together. He actually understood where I was coming from because I stayed calm and explained what I was feeling and why, instead of blowing up when I finally couldn't take the negative feelings anymore.
With all of that said, I still feel that the author sometimes took things a little too far. I would have liked to see a point of view that was more religious, and how to find a balance between the things I am taught in order to be more Christlike, and the things that I need to do to be emotionally healthy and confident.
Definitely a good read, especially if you have teen-aged daughters, or daughters who are rapidly approaching adolescence, like I do. It's a quick first-time read, and then can serve as an excellent reference book afterwards.
October 19, 2009
When I first started reading this, I couldn't relate at all. Who are these girls and why are they acting this way??
Then I realized that while I don't have "the curse of the good girl", it totally explains why I have had problems working in all female environments and relating to most women; they have the "curse".
I especially enjoyed the chapter about education. When I was a teacher I was on both ends of the issues related to the curse-parents who would complain that their child didn't think I "liked" them or that I was being "mean" when I would write constructive comments on their work, mark a problem wrong or asked them to turn their assignments on time. I also realized that the (female) principals I had didn't care that I was competent, intelligent or even that test scores rose but really wanted a teacher who was "nice"-bland, conforming and docile. Unlike the "good girls" I have never been terribly concerned with being universally liked, always amiable and willing to play by the rules. Which isn't too say that I am rude but rather forthright, uninterested in conflated "drama", uncompetitive with other women, and comfortable expressing opinions without hesitation. I have found that many women find this threatening and this book helped me figure out why.
The first half of the book really helped me realize how other women think and even cleared up the thought processes behind some events in the past. The second half was less helpful as I do not have a child or feel like I need to overcome my "good girlness" to succeed.
Then I realized that while I don't have "the curse of the good girl", it totally explains why I have had problems working in all female environments and relating to most women; they have the "curse".
I especially enjoyed the chapter about education. When I was a teacher I was on both ends of the issues related to the curse-parents who would complain that their child didn't think I "liked" them or that I was being "mean" when I would write constructive comments on their work, mark a problem wrong or asked them to turn their assignments on time. I also realized that the (female) principals I had didn't care that I was competent, intelligent or even that test scores rose but really wanted a teacher who was "nice"-bland, conforming and docile. Unlike the "good girls" I have never been terribly concerned with being universally liked, always amiable and willing to play by the rules. Which isn't too say that I am rude but rather forthright, uninterested in conflated "drama", uncompetitive with other women, and comfortable expressing opinions without hesitation. I have found that many women find this threatening and this book helped me figure out why.
The first half of the book really helped me realize how other women think and even cleared up the thought processes behind some events in the past. The second half was less helpful as I do not have a child or feel like I need to overcome my "good girlness" to succeed.
April 29, 2012
As a 20-something childfree woman, I am clearly not the target demographic for this book--but now I completely recognize the vestiges of my "Good Girl" adolescence. A good chunk of this book reiterates things I've read elsewhere (especially in Frankel's "Good Girls Don't Get the Corner Office), but the action items give me concrete steps forward to fully break out of this persona.
1) Dealing with conflict/confrontational situations (188-189):
-Affirm the relationship
-Use an "I statement"
-Say your contribution
-Ask how you can solve this together
2) Facing criticism (199):
-Criticism DOES NOT mean someone is upset with you personally
-Mistakes DO NOT define you as an individual. Critique of work is not a critique of self (217).
3) Taking risks:
-"The essence of risk is the unknown. You try something without knowing if you'll get it right. You depart from what is comfortable, and in this way, break your own rules. Good Girls, who are expected to follow rules and appear perfect, are taught to make little room for risk....Playing it safe is a self-reinforcing habit: the more comfortable girls become with taking the easy road, the more terrifying failure will become--and the more they will want to play it safe." (222)
4) Modesty:
-"Good Girl pressure creates impossible expectations of being both flawless and modest in proportions unspecified." (230)
5) The rules of relationships:
-Not everyone is going to like you.
-Friendship is one of many possible relationships in life.
-When truth and friendship cannot coexist, get rid of the friendship.
6) "The need to focus on how you seem to others, rather than who you are, is the Curse of the Good Girl in action. The curse persists despite the many accomplishments of the movement for gender equality. It constrict the full bloom of personhood in girls, telling them that only so much of who they are will be accepted: the girl who feels only Good feelings, who does everything flawlessly and without error, who unfailingly puts other before herself." (250)
1) Dealing with conflict/confrontational situations (188-189):
-Affirm the relationship
-Use an "I statement"
-Say your contribution
-Ask how you can solve this together
2) Facing criticism (199):
-Criticism DOES NOT mean someone is upset with you personally
-Mistakes DO NOT define you as an individual. Critique of work is not a critique of self (217).
3) Taking risks:
-"The essence of risk is the unknown. You try something without knowing if you'll get it right. You depart from what is comfortable, and in this way, break your own rules. Good Girls, who are expected to follow rules and appear perfect, are taught to make little room for risk....Playing it safe is a self-reinforcing habit: the more comfortable girls become with taking the easy road, the more terrifying failure will become--and the more they will want to play it safe." (222)
4) Modesty:
-"Good Girl pressure creates impossible expectations of being both flawless and modest in proportions unspecified." (230)
5) The rules of relationships:
-Not everyone is going to like you.
-Friendship is one of many possible relationships in life.
-When truth and friendship cannot coexist, get rid of the friendship.
6) "The need to focus on how you seem to others, rather than who you are, is the Curse of the Good Girl in action. The curse persists despite the many accomplishments of the movement for gender equality. It constrict the full bloom of personhood in girls, telling them that only so much of who they are will be accepted: the girl who feels only Good feelings, who does everything flawlessly and without error, who unfailingly puts other before herself." (250)
September 1, 2020
How our brains function is FASCINATING. The difference between male and female communication styles is fascinating. That women are so much more likely to play by the rules is fascinating. This book ... is not. This book is trite, pop psychology. It is not just superficial and boring, the information is harmful. Yeah, nurture plays a part, but nature--biology--plays a far bigger one.
Instead, I recommend
The Nurture Assumption by Harris
Human Diversity by Murray
A Troublesome Inheritance by I forget
The Myth of Pyschotherapy by Szaz
Hero With A Thousand Faces by Cambell
12 Rules for Life by Peterson
Those are interesting.
Instead, I recommend
The Nurture Assumption by Harris
Human Diversity by Murray
A Troublesome Inheritance by I forget
The Myth of Pyschotherapy by Szaz
Hero With A Thousand Faces by Cambell
12 Rules for Life by Peterson
Those are interesting.
March 28, 2016
I've been procrastinating writing this review because I want to do the book justice-- really condense the gems of insight and convey the lights that Simmons turned on in my brain, but I realize I can't actually overstate how important this book is. So please, if you are a woman, if you are raising women, if you care about anyone who is a woman, please read this book.
It's funny how certain books and ideas and images converge. I read this while reading Mothering and Daughtering by Reynolds and The Gift of Fear by de Becker. These books all ring the same note: trust your intuition. Inform it, train it, hone it-- but ultimately harken to and trust your authentic self.
Rachel Simmons gently walks us through girlhood, young womanhood, female adulthood, motherhood and how the pressure on women to be Nice rather than effective, authentic, or Real hampers us along every step. Good Girl script overrides our common sense, ability to grow and yes-- our intuition.
Young girls put their failures and feelings underground. They have to be perfect-- not too good, not too bad. They have to memorize the unwritten code of modesty plus perfection. No mistakes, no apologies. All of those negative feelings that would come from trying, failing, trying again-- that all goes underground, turning to pettiness, gossip, inauthenticity, helplessness.
I've never seen myself as a particularly shrunk Violet-- I don't wear makeup, I have no fashion sense, I don't feel particularly feminine. So it was excruciating to see my own experience of good girlhood and good womanhood on these pages. The way I've allowed good girl modesty get in the way of being treated fairly at work, or being fully honest about my feelings of discomfort, or waiting for my excellence to be discovered rather than uncovering it myself... That's not my script. That's all Good Girl stuff. Honesty and authenticity (and thereby growth and intimacy) are sacrificed in the purgatory of Keeping Things Smooth and conflict free. Professional setbacks are overly personal and therefore paralyzing. Not-Good feelings like anger are to be avoided at all costs.
These maladies would feel familiar to any person (not just Girls) whose primary identifier has always been Good or Nice.
In just the few weeks since I read this book, I've been able to make significant life changes. I have been more able to separate the professional and the personal, and delineate friend-relationships from other kinds of relationships, and allow for a different dynamic to exist. I can and should ask my union rep for reimbursement help or my doctor for a second opinion.
Really, this is a book that I need my own copy to read and reread, to workshop with my daughters and try to recondition myself and the other women in my sphere-- we can be authentic. We don't have to be merely "good."
It's funny how certain books and ideas and images converge. I read this while reading Mothering and Daughtering by Reynolds and The Gift of Fear by de Becker. These books all ring the same note: trust your intuition. Inform it, train it, hone it-- but ultimately harken to and trust your authentic self.
Rachel Simmons gently walks us through girlhood, young womanhood, female adulthood, motherhood and how the pressure on women to be Nice rather than effective, authentic, or Real hampers us along every step. Good Girl script overrides our common sense, ability to grow and yes-- our intuition.
Young girls put their failures and feelings underground. They have to be perfect-- not too good, not too bad. They have to memorize the unwritten code of modesty plus perfection. No mistakes, no apologies. All of those negative feelings that would come from trying, failing, trying again-- that all goes underground, turning to pettiness, gossip, inauthenticity, helplessness.
I've never seen myself as a particularly shrunk Violet-- I don't wear makeup, I have no fashion sense, I don't feel particularly feminine. So it was excruciating to see my own experience of good girlhood and good womanhood on these pages. The way I've allowed good girl modesty get in the way of being treated fairly at work, or being fully honest about my feelings of discomfort, or waiting for my excellence to be discovered rather than uncovering it myself... That's not my script. That's all Good Girl stuff. Honesty and authenticity (and thereby growth and intimacy) are sacrificed in the purgatory of Keeping Things Smooth and conflict free. Professional setbacks are overly personal and therefore paralyzing. Not-Good feelings like anger are to be avoided at all costs.
These maladies would feel familiar to any person (not just Girls) whose primary identifier has always been Good or Nice.
In just the few weeks since I read this book, I've been able to make significant life changes. I have been more able to separate the professional and the personal, and delineate friend-relationships from other kinds of relationships, and allow for a different dynamic to exist. I can and should ask my union rep for reimbursement help or my doctor for a second opinion.
Really, this is a book that I need my own copy to read and reread, to workshop with my daughters and try to recondition myself and the other women in my sphere-- we can be authentic. We don't have to be merely "good."
March 20, 2010
I more or less scanned the book to mine for useful bits. It's more applicable to the teenager set but did get some good ideas to think about, especially when modeling your own behavior for your daughter. How a mom uses/expresses her own feelings and communicates in her relationships become part of the "emotional management" repertoire for your daughter. And how parents manage and affirm their daughter's emotions can help build self-worth and confidence. As you develop your self as a person it's important to realize that not everyone is going to be your friend (the curse of the good girl is that everyone should be your friend), you get to decide whether someone is worthy of your friendship and that you learn and grow from mistakes. You cannot shelter your children against failure or disappointment.
"...a daughter who knows her limits and therefore herself, who has experience dealing actively with her own failure, and who understands in a real lived way that mistakes do not define her potential or her self." (90)
"Say something positive about your daughter's character as often as you can. Affirm the person she is instead of what she does, who she likes, or what others think." (246)
"...a daughter who knows her limits and therefore herself, who has experience dealing actively with her own failure, and who understands in a real lived way that mistakes do not define her potential or her self." (90)
"Say something positive about your daughter's character as often as you can. Affirm the person she is instead of what she does, who she likes, or what others think." (246)
March 30, 2013
A lot of really great and helpful pointers in this book - but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get deadly bored between some of them. Which is why it took me over a month to read. In fact, I'm not even sure I read the whole thing because when I picked it up again the other day, I had lost my book mark - so I just found a good heading and went from there. Even so, I highly recommend this to others.
Major aspects I appreciated about the book:
The validation and encouragement to be authentic and not worry about what others think or feel about you. Easier said than done, but this is a great nudge in the right direction. I think it'll help me be a better example to my daughters and a better version of myself.
Owning and working through emotions. Communicating. Being direct and honest...all things I've always valued, but have been made to feel weird about in some circumstances.
Major aspects I appreciated about the book:
The validation and encouragement to be authentic and not worry about what others think or feel about you. Easier said than done, but this is a great nudge in the right direction. I think it'll help me be a better example to my daughters and a better version of myself.
Owning and working through emotions. Communicating. Being direct and honest...all things I've always valued, but have been made to feel weird about in some circumstances.
March 26, 2017
So far, it is a very interesting book. I got the copy to review, but I specifically asked for this one because I am uniquely qualified to review it at this point in my life being a mom to an almost 14 year old daughter. Some of the concepts and hypothesis laid out in the first couple of chapters are very interesting, and ring very true. Too true.
October 18, 2012
I enjoyed this book, and it raised some really good points.
Though it's not really relevant to my life, since I am not a teenager, nor am I a parent, so I am planning on donating this to the local library, unless someone wants to exchange this book for another book with me?
Though it's not really relevant to my life, since I am not a teenager, nor am I a parent, so I am planning on donating this to the local library, unless someone wants to exchange this book for another book with me?
February 6, 2020
A 3.5. This text is stuffed with practical communication strategies to coach girls to negotiate relationships in an authentic way. This includes saying what you mean, getting the crazy girl voices in your head to shut up, building resilience after negative feedback, validating feelings, coping with criticism, and so forth.
Honestly, it probably covers too much. The ideas, all important, were all over the place.
Something in this text didn't entirely add up for me. I believe it was the construction of the "Curse of the Good Girl" itself that didn't quite work. After all, Simmons addresses countless issues. This Curse of the Good Girl is the thing that ties everything together--the book's hook.
Here's the problem with that set-up: Simmons has to show--damn, construct--what the social construction of the Good Girl is. Then we construct the idea of it as a curse. THEN we have to transcend it.
I mean, I realize "gendered social norms" and "sexism" aren't as catchy, but can't we just call it that? This Curse of the Good Girl is really just an additional layer of needless social construction.
Simmons suggests asking your daughter what a "good girl" is so that we can see their cultural absorption of gendered BS. So I did. "I don't understand what you're talking about," said my daughter. "What do you mean by 'good girl'?"
Exactly. She's ten, though. Not exactly in the throes of adolescent angst, so I wasn't about to wax lyrical on The Patriarchy. We'll save that for later. "Never mind," I said.
Simmons is spot on in describing girls' value of relationships, confidence crises, inability to take risks, self-effacement, and so forth. Lord, I didn't see my daughters in there much (yet), but oh how I saw myself. And naturally, I want better for my own girls.
Importantly, Simmons pulls no punches when it comes to mothers. In a far more succinct way (compared to the rest of the book), she shows how mothers have their own responses to gendered cultural norms and expectations (of course, the is the curse of the Good Mother in the language of this book) and how playing along with it utterly negates what we're trying to accomplish in raising our daughters. What kind of example do you teach your daughter if you're afraid what people will think of you in various situations, if you devote yourself to everybody else's needs, if you strive to keep the peace at the expense of real communication or discomfort, if you freak out at your own mistakes "Oh, I'm the worst mom EVER!" Yeah. It's sobering.
Although I didn't love the packaging of the Good Girl Curse or what felt like an often disorganized onslaught of critical (CRITICAL!) information, this is an important book to add to the How Will I Get My Daughters Through The Next Several Years? stack of parenting reading. Recommended.
Honestly, it probably covers too much. The ideas, all important, were all over the place.
Something in this text didn't entirely add up for me. I believe it was the construction of the "Curse of the Good Girl" itself that didn't quite work. After all, Simmons addresses countless issues. This Curse of the Good Girl is the thing that ties everything together--the book's hook.
Here's the problem with that set-up: Simmons has to show--damn, construct--what the social construction of the Good Girl is. Then we construct the idea of it as a curse. THEN we have to transcend it.
I mean, I realize "gendered social norms" and "sexism" aren't as catchy, but can't we just call it that? This Curse of the Good Girl is really just an additional layer of needless social construction.
Simmons suggests asking your daughter what a "good girl" is so that we can see their cultural absorption of gendered BS. So I did. "I don't understand what you're talking about," said my daughter. "What do you mean by 'good girl'?"
Exactly. She's ten, though. Not exactly in the throes of adolescent angst, so I wasn't about to wax lyrical on The Patriarchy. We'll save that for later. "Never mind," I said.
Simmons is spot on in describing girls' value of relationships, confidence crises, inability to take risks, self-effacement, and so forth. Lord, I didn't see my daughters in there much (yet), but oh how I saw myself. And naturally, I want better for my own girls.
Importantly, Simmons pulls no punches when it comes to mothers. In a far more succinct way (compared to the rest of the book), she shows how mothers have their own responses to gendered cultural norms and expectations (of course, the is the curse of the Good Mother in the language of this book) and how playing along with it utterly negates what we're trying to accomplish in raising our daughters. What kind of example do you teach your daughter if you're afraid what people will think of you in various situations, if you devote yourself to everybody else's needs, if you strive to keep the peace at the expense of real communication or discomfort, if you freak out at your own mistakes "Oh, I'm the worst mom EVER!" Yeah. It's sobering.
Although I didn't love the packaging of the Good Girl Curse or what felt like an often disorganized onslaught of critical (CRITICAL!) information, this is an important book to add to the How Will I Get My Daughters Through The Next Several Years? stack of parenting reading. Recommended.
October 8, 2021
In the 1970s, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich penned in a scholarly article about the funeral sermons of Christian women that “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” The phrase subsequently gained wide popularity, appearing on T-shirts, coffee mugs, and other items including a book of that title Ulrich later wrote. The Curse of the Good Girl examines how the "well-behaved" woman has her genesis in a young girls social development and why it's truly a curse that hurts not just girls and women, but all of us!
The basic thesis of Simmons' book is that the "good girl" paradigm of always being "unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless" teaches and enculturates girls to to inhibit their power and potential -- and again, when they do that, we all suffer by not benefiting from what they can offer society.
What is not being argued is that girls should therefore be self-centered, impolite ogres! Instead, Simmons simply provides an understanding, along with exercises that one can use for themselves to help foster girls' resilience, integrity, and self-advocacy. Dads certainly can benefit from this material, but Simmons makes the case that moms have the most impact on how their daughters will perceive how a woman "should" be and act, so as she states in the final chapter, quoting from Deborah Tannen: "From Perfect Mothers to Real Mothers", mothers serve as models for daughters of how to talk, and how to use language to negotiate relationships and the world." She also shares that studies have shown that "girls cited mothers as their most important role models" so its important, she says, for mothers to investigate the myth of the "perfect mother" and to what extent that may be influencing their mothering. One statement that really struck home for me was when Simmons writes, "The pressure on mothers to be selfless at home means that too many daughters discover their leadership potential only after walking out the front door. What would it mean to have leadership begin at home?"
Too many girls, still in today's world, offer limp handshakes, avoid eye contact and exhibit painful discomfort with any display of personal strength because they are anxious about what others might be thinking. Of course we all may experience this to one degree or another, but the pressures to be "a good girl" can make such a truncation of personality truly tragic. Our task, Simmons says, "is to help girls find the voice that is already there and to create spaces where they can safely access it. We can do it every day, in the tiniest of moments, for them and by example."
The basic thesis of Simmons' book is that the "good girl" paradigm of always being "unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless" teaches and enculturates girls to to inhibit their power and potential -- and again, when they do that, we all suffer by not benefiting from what they can offer society.
What is not being argued is that girls should therefore be self-centered, impolite ogres! Instead, Simmons simply provides an understanding, along with exercises that one can use for themselves to help foster girls' resilience, integrity, and self-advocacy. Dads certainly can benefit from this material, but Simmons makes the case that moms have the most impact on how their daughters will perceive how a woman "should" be and act, so as she states in the final chapter, quoting from Deborah Tannen: "From Perfect Mothers to Real Mothers", mothers serve as models for daughters of how to talk, and how to use language to negotiate relationships and the world." She also shares that studies have shown that "girls cited mothers as their most important role models" so its important, she says, for mothers to investigate the myth of the "perfect mother" and to what extent that may be influencing their mothering. One statement that really struck home for me was when Simmons writes, "The pressure on mothers to be selfless at home means that too many daughters discover their leadership potential only after walking out the front door. What would it mean to have leadership begin at home?"
Too many girls, still in today's world, offer limp handshakes, avoid eye contact and exhibit painful discomfort with any display of personal strength because they are anxious about what others might be thinking. Of course we all may experience this to one degree or another, but the pressures to be "a good girl" can make such a truncation of personality truly tragic. Our task, Simmons says, "is to help girls find the voice that is already there and to create spaces where they can safely access it. We can do it every day, in the tiniest of moments, for them and by example."
April 26, 2023
Wow. I went into this book thinking, "This sounds like something a mother of two daughters should read.", and now that I'm done my opinion is, "This is a book all women should read.".
If you are a girl, or have daughters, or coach girls in sports, or teach girls, or know a girl... You should read this book. It was very insightful to me, and while there were specific take-aways for me as a parent, I definitely identified with some of the concepts personally and could see how certain thoughts have limited or shaped me.
My one complaint is that I feel like the author spent a little too much time (like, the first half of the book) setting up and proving certain points. After several evidentiary statements, I felt like "Okay, I get the point of what you're saying already. I just want to know what to DO about it now!". That being said, maybe for people who don't quickly identify with having "good girl" traits or that mentality within their own lives, a little extra set-up is required before diving into the 'solutions' and guidance part. As someone who instantly recognized some of the anecdotal evidence as being very familiar and relatable, I just wanted to get to the part where she explains how to shake up the status quo.
Overall really thought-provoking and full of opportunities for self evaluation.
If you are a girl, or have daughters, or coach girls in sports, or teach girls, or know a girl... You should read this book. It was very insightful to me, and while there were specific take-aways for me as a parent, I definitely identified with some of the concepts personally and could see how certain thoughts have limited or shaped me.
My one complaint is that I feel like the author spent a little too much time (like, the first half of the book) setting up and proving certain points. After several evidentiary statements, I felt like "Okay, I get the point of what you're saying already. I just want to know what to DO about it now!". That being said, maybe for people who don't quickly identify with having "good girl" traits or that mentality within their own lives, a little extra set-up is required before diving into the 'solutions' and guidance part. As someone who instantly recognized some of the anecdotal evidence as being very familiar and relatable, I just wanted to get to the part where she explains how to shake up the status quo.
Overall really thought-provoking and full of opportunities for self evaluation.
January 18, 2017
This book had some good info, but the time I took to read it should tell you how long and repetitive it was.
Unlike Odd Girl Out, which was interesting the whole way through, challenged my ways of thinking, and was different one section to the next, the Curse of the Good Girl is hardly any fun and just seems like the expanded version of the end of Odd Girl Out. It's very repetitive, offers no info that we didn't know from reading Odd Girl Out, and doesn't have that feel of insight and discovery.
I didn't much enjoy this book; it was hard to get through, and I felt like I understood what she was trying to say (which is an important message about how girls are pressured to think and feel, by the way!) at the beginning, but she just kept going on. Not very interesting; you might as well skip it and just read Odd Girl Out, which was great.
Unlike Odd Girl Out, which was interesting the whole way through, challenged my ways of thinking, and was different one section to the next, the Curse of the Good Girl is hardly any fun and just seems like the expanded version of the end of Odd Girl Out. It's very repetitive, offers no info that we didn't know from reading Odd Girl Out, and doesn't have that feel of insight and discovery.
I didn't much enjoy this book; it was hard to get through, and I felt like I understood what she was trying to say (which is an important message about how girls are pressured to think and feel, by the way!) at the beginning, but she just kept going on. Not very interesting; you might as well skip it and just read Odd Girl Out, which was great.
June 15, 2017
Second time reading, first time with the audiobook. This is the kind of book that I like to revisit a lot. It's focus is teenage girls, but I find much of what it teaches about the lack of emotional understanding that they have extends into adulthood. And is very relevant to behavior in adulthood. Highly recommend this to anyone who has been or currently is in communities dominated by women, especially middle class white women.
October 21, 2019
Very enlightening. Helped me analyse and make peace with my own bringing up, too. Hopefully I can use a lot of what I learnt in this book when/if I have my own daughter/s. I wonder if there are any other resources out there that can complement this one.
February 23, 2021
Bol tekrarlı, zorlama örneklerle dolu bir kitap.
August 18, 2024
Part 1 (chapters 1-6) are less helpful. The second half of the book is worth the read, and maybe even to purchase to have for reference and reflection. Overall, good read!
May 23, 2013
I don't necessarily like the title of this book or her overarching conclusions - including conclusions on the societal pressure to be a "good girl." The first 3rd of the book is fairly long and pretty wordy.
I also usually avoid books like this, because they are oftentimes annoying and depressing, but I did not find that to be true of this book. What this book did do was offer practical ideas and questions to ask oneself and one's daughter for better communication. It also goes over the importance of helping daughters deal with tough situations well and have the best performance they can in school and sports while teaching them how to interact with coaches and teachers effectively.
It also lays out good strategies for calming someone down when they have gotten so upset that it prevents them from viewing the situation rationally and moving forward or taking constructive criticism and becoming better at something. I think this would be very useful for high school adolescents of both genders (i.e. reducing drama). It goes over the three main ways that things get blown out of proportion in relationships or when poor communication is involved and provides concrete ways to prevent that from happening.
It does have good ideas for people of all ages for better communication. Especially, presenting constructive criticism without judging someone's character, but judging a specific action. It also goes over how to accept criticism as helpful information for changing your behavior and not viewing it as criticism of your overall character.
It did mention an interesting study. It's been shown that girls tend to participate in group discussion less in class in junior high and high school and take criticism more personally. This study looked at the types of criticism given to girls and boys and found that teachers tended to criticize boy's work, whereas teachers made criticisms pertaining to girl's characters in similar situations.
I also usually avoid books like this, because they are oftentimes annoying and depressing, but I did not find that to be true of this book. What this book did do was offer practical ideas and questions to ask oneself and one's daughter for better communication. It also goes over the importance of helping daughters deal with tough situations well and have the best performance they can in school and sports while teaching them how to interact with coaches and teachers effectively.
It also lays out good strategies for calming someone down when they have gotten so upset that it prevents them from viewing the situation rationally and moving forward or taking constructive criticism and becoming better at something. I think this would be very useful for high school adolescents of both genders (i.e. reducing drama). It goes over the three main ways that things get blown out of proportion in relationships or when poor communication is involved and provides concrete ways to prevent that from happening.
It does have good ideas for people of all ages for better communication. Especially, presenting constructive criticism without judging someone's character, but judging a specific action. It also goes over how to accept criticism as helpful information for changing your behavior and not viewing it as criticism of your overall character.
It did mention an interesting study. It's been shown that girls tend to participate in group discussion less in class in junior high and high school and take criticism more personally. This study looked at the types of criticism given to girls and boys and found that teachers tended to criticize boy's work, whereas teachers made criticisms pertaining to girl's characters in similar situations.
August 22, 2009
The Curse of the Good Girl"" by Rachel Simmons
Do Naughty Girls Go Far?
I wish I had this book when I as 14 years old! High School seemed a blur of emotions and a feeling of overwhelm.
Good Girl Myth
Simmons exposes the “myth of the Good Girl”—a paradigm characterized by being unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless—arguing that we are teaching our girls in ways that limit their power and potential.
Girls Give Away Their Power
Society provides confusing messages to girls. As young children girls they are fed fairy tales that teach complance. Then thrust into the working world as young adults that suddenly demands competence, confidence and assertiveness.
"Unerringly nice, polite and selfless" the "good girl' is so narro it is impossible to attain.
Conflicting messages for girls: "Be confident but do it quietly", "be strong but don't make anyone angry"...
Ms. Simmons offers insights gleaned from her workshops from the Girl's Leadership Institute, which she founded.
Sample of topics: communication, distorted thinking, authenticity.
This is an intelligent book, without the usual bromides. It is thought provoking and asks you to read it several times. It's a "Mom" book -- a books for Mothers and Fathers to read to help their daughters.
It would be great if Rachel Simmons coud publish another book strictly for teen-age girls, with pictures and simple to read. This books is a MUST for teachers and parents. It's about girls finding their "truth", the true voice , their life guide. This is a VITAL SUBJECT.
This book is a MUST for any woman to read!
It's never too late!
*** http://www.Vaboomer.com has a copy to Giveaway*** To enter Drawing send email to contact@boomermade.com (Drawing is Sept 2)
Do Naughty Girls Go Far?
I wish I had this book when I as 14 years old! High School seemed a blur of emotions and a feeling of overwhelm.
Good Girl Myth
Simmons exposes the “myth of the Good Girl”—a paradigm characterized by being unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless—arguing that we are teaching our girls in ways that limit their power and potential.
Girls Give Away Their Power
Society provides confusing messages to girls. As young children girls they are fed fairy tales that teach complance. Then thrust into the working world as young adults that suddenly demands competence, confidence and assertiveness.
"Unerringly nice, polite and selfless" the "good girl' is so narro it is impossible to attain.
Conflicting messages for girls: "Be confident but do it quietly", "be strong but don't make anyone angry"...
Ms. Simmons offers insights gleaned from her workshops from the Girl's Leadership Institute, which she founded.
Sample of topics: communication, distorted thinking, authenticity.
This is an intelligent book, without the usual bromides. It is thought provoking and asks you to read it several times. It's a "Mom" book -- a books for Mothers and Fathers to read to help their daughters.
It would be great if Rachel Simmons coud publish another book strictly for teen-age girls, with pictures and simple to read. This books is a MUST for teachers and parents. It's about girls finding their "truth", the true voice , their life guide. This is a VITAL SUBJECT.
This book is a MUST for any woman to read!
It's never too late!
*** http://www.Vaboomer.com has a copy to Giveaway*** To enter Drawing send email to contact@boomermade.com (Drawing is Sept 2)
May 2, 2012
I thought this book had a lot of good information in the beginning and in the end, but got a little repetitive and boring for me in the middle. I did like the issues she brought up about how girls "work" in relationships and inappropriately treat all relationships as friendships, how they talk, and their self-talk. It was an interesting read to me as both a mother of two girls and also as a woman myself. I really liked her section at the end about how mothers are grown up versions of "good girls" and how being a "perfect" mother rather than a "real" mother is not only a disservice to yourself (and enough to drive you crazy, wear you out, etc.) but a disservice to our daughters who are watching us and then learning their role needs to include all of those "perfect mother" attributes. Very thought-provoking...oh, I need to take time for me, ask for help, have my own interests, not just for ME, but so that my daughter learns that part of being a mom is taking care of herself... Another favorite part was the discussion of how girls care a lot about if someone likes them before they've even decided for themselves if they like that person...why do we care so much if someone that we don't even like likes us? I think that is a great lesson to teach girls when dealing with friends and then when they are old enough to start dating. Find someone YOU like first.
September 24, 2014
For those recovering good girls (turned moms, or just adults) or those parents or coaches of good girls, this is well worth the read.
Simmons is a no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is author who knows what she's talking about. She outlines and explains the good girl culture for those of us several decades from the know. She tells us what she sees at her Girls Leadership Institute and the theory behind it. In the last section of the book, she gives practical advice on changing the norms within our families and classrooms--practical advice that I am already employing in my own home in little ways that I hope will have a big impact on all my kids, not just my girl.
In writing this, she wants the world to "put a premium on intellectual risk-taking and reward classroom debate...for coaches to incorporate giving and getting feedback into team culture...for families to create space for a full range of feelings can be expressed and valued...where failure is embraced as an opportunity to learn..."where relationships and the inevitable conflict that comes from this relationships can be approached and managed, where conflict resolution is recognized as a skill and is therefore taught and practiced again and again and again.
Yes, please!
Simmons is a no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is author who knows what she's talking about. She outlines and explains the good girl culture for those of us several decades from the know. She tells us what she sees at her Girls Leadership Institute and the theory behind it. In the last section of the book, she gives practical advice on changing the norms within our families and classrooms--practical advice that I am already employing in my own home in little ways that I hope will have a big impact on all my kids, not just my girl.
In writing this, she wants the world to "put a premium on intellectual risk-taking and reward classroom debate...for coaches to incorporate giving and getting feedback into team culture...for families to create space for a full range of feelings can be expressed and valued...where failure is embraced as an opportunity to learn..."where relationships and the inevitable conflict that comes from this relationships can be approached and managed, where conflict resolution is recognized as a skill and is therefore taught and practiced again and again and again.
Yes, please!
January 5, 2010
I loved Simmons' other novel, and this one was also quite good. Referencing Aaron Beck and Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, two researchers whose work was crucial for my thesis concerning depressive symptoms in early adolescent girls, gives her bonus points. I think the following line from her book sums it up nicely: When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having, and when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving.
The curse is very real and familiar to most women of my generation. Haven't we all felt pressure to be enthusiastic but quiet, to be intelligent but to withhold our opinions? The second half of Simmons' book offers strategies that encourage authenticity in girls. I think it's a great read for child development researchers and parents.
The curse is very real and familiar to most women of my generation. Haven't we all felt pressure to be enthusiastic but quiet, to be intelligent but to withhold our opinions? The second half of Simmons' book offers strategies that encourage authenticity in girls. I think it's a great read for child development researchers and parents.
October 19, 2009
I went into this book thinking I used to be a good girl, but I realized, I wasn't really a good girl in my late teens and early twenties, I was just very immature and didn't really grow up until late. I think I've matured very much in the last three years and what this book taught me about being a self-described good girl and how to change that, also taught me about how to be a "real" mother to a daughter if I ever have kids. I think I'm more assertive now though, though I think I did and still do have good girl tendencies. But I'm getting better at them and I think my Mom was (and still is) a very good role model.
November 22, 2009
I actually gave up on this book. Maybe when my daughter is older I will revisit it but I did not like it. I WANT my daughter to be a "good girl." I know she wasn't saying that we shouldn't raise our daughters to be good people but I felt that she was contradictory and I couldn't quite figure out what exactly she was trying to say. Again, I gave up on it, perhaps if I kept reading I would have felt differently but for now, there are too many other good books to spend my time on.
March 20, 2012
It's really nice to have a lot of the problematic "good girl" behaviors laid bare. I'm so caught up in my culture, it's easy not to notice that I'm being passive aggressive or teaching my girls not to share their negative emotions. I appreciated this book bringing these sorts of things into sharp focus. My one critique of the book is that it felt a little repetitive at times, and I tended to skim some of the examples.
October 5, 2009
I really tried but wasn't able to finish this book. It seemed too canned. I felt that I was reading something for a second time. I would have prefered more factual studies and evidence. It just seemed that the author was cashing in on the feminist movement. Sorry.
July 6, 2011
Geez, this is me. Maybe I can prevent my daughter from some of my bad tendencies.
April 17, 2018
Great book! This is a must read for all women and especially parents of daughters. I am so glad I read this. Some things I learned:
Three core skills to emotional intelligence: knowing what I feel; expressing how I feel (gets people to do things for me); accepting my emotions (then I validate my right to feel the way I do). (Chapter 1) When I expect people to read my mind or get my hints, it is an unfair expectation on others. My relationships become frustrating and distant. YES!
Regarding criticism, when girls fail, they blame their lack of ability. "Girls seem to let failure permeate within; they blame themselves, while boys let it roll off their backs." (Chapter 4) YES!
Affirm your child's emotions. Really listen to her. "Helping a girl accept her feelings is thus an essential part of raising a strong girl. A parent's impact is powerful in this area."
"Give your daughter the permission and support to have the emotional experience itself. If you challenge, deny, or ignore her emotions, you may communicate that her feelings are unacceptable. Empathy is an important opportunity to validate a girl's emerging sense of self." (Chapter 7)
Resist assumption making. "Assumptions are Good Girl maneuvers that give girls a way around the tough questions that could lead to conflict... they are symptoms of passivity in relationship, enabling girls to conduct their relationships in their heads." (Chapter 8) Instead, encourage your daughter to wonder about another person's behavior, be patient to come to an answer through observation, or ask directly why he/she did something.
When your daughter is upset, rolling her eyes, slamming doors and you ask her, "What's wrong?" you are rewarding indirect behavior. Instead say, "Is there something you are trying to tell me. I'd really appreciate you being direct with me." (Chapter 8)
"Girls lack of practice with direct conflict leads them to minimize, deny, or become overwhelmed when confronted.... What they learn in their relationships often becomes the template for their public or professional habits." (Chapter 9) Totally agree with this.
To get through conflict, propose a tool called contribution. "How did we each make this situation bigger or worse? Contribution works on the assumption that both parties could have done something better.
The after-conflict is just as important as the conflict.
"Do not use "I'm sorry" to repair relationships, avoid conflict, or salvage a reputation (get people to like me)."
Focus on working through conflict -- the process - rather than the end result.
Lastly, the last section/chapter:
"Despite every door that has opened, girls continue to grapple with confusing, conflicting messages about personal authority: be successful but say nothing about it, or about yourself; be strong but don't make anyone angry; and be confident, but do it quietly."
"Our focus must change from the glass ceiling of an industry, like business, to the individual glass ceilings that the curse erects in the souls of millions of girls." I could not agree more.
It's not a surprise to me at all why more women are not in leadership positions in the business world. I've often wondered this when I was working but I've never thought it is because men don't want them there. This book explains so well things girls/women need to work on. Highly recommend.
Three core skills to emotional intelligence: knowing what I feel; expressing how I feel (gets people to do things for me); accepting my emotions (then I validate my right to feel the way I do). (Chapter 1) When I expect people to read my mind or get my hints, it is an unfair expectation on others. My relationships become frustrating and distant. YES!
Regarding criticism, when girls fail, they blame their lack of ability. "Girls seem to let failure permeate within; they blame themselves, while boys let it roll off their backs." (Chapter 4) YES!
Affirm your child's emotions. Really listen to her. "Helping a girl accept her feelings is thus an essential part of raising a strong girl. A parent's impact is powerful in this area."
"Give your daughter the permission and support to have the emotional experience itself. If you challenge, deny, or ignore her emotions, you may communicate that her feelings are unacceptable. Empathy is an important opportunity to validate a girl's emerging sense of self." (Chapter 7)
Resist assumption making. "Assumptions are Good Girl maneuvers that give girls a way around the tough questions that could lead to conflict... they are symptoms of passivity in relationship, enabling girls to conduct their relationships in their heads." (Chapter 8) Instead, encourage your daughter to wonder about another person's behavior, be patient to come to an answer through observation, or ask directly why he/she did something.
When your daughter is upset, rolling her eyes, slamming doors and you ask her, "What's wrong?" you are rewarding indirect behavior. Instead say, "Is there something you are trying to tell me. I'd really appreciate you being direct with me." (Chapter 8)
"Girls lack of practice with direct conflict leads them to minimize, deny, or become overwhelmed when confronted.... What they learn in their relationships often becomes the template for their public or professional habits." (Chapter 9) Totally agree with this.
To get through conflict, propose a tool called contribution. "How did we each make this situation bigger or worse? Contribution works on the assumption that both parties could have done something better.
The after-conflict is just as important as the conflict.
"Do not use "I'm sorry" to repair relationships, avoid conflict, or salvage a reputation (get people to like me)."
Focus on working through conflict -- the process - rather than the end result.
Lastly, the last section/chapter:
"Despite every door that has opened, girls continue to grapple with confusing, conflicting messages about personal authority: be successful but say nothing about it, or about yourself; be strong but don't make anyone angry; and be confident, but do it quietly."
"Our focus must change from the glass ceiling of an industry, like business, to the individual glass ceilings that the curse erects in the souls of millions of girls." I could not agree more.
It's not a surprise to me at all why more women are not in leadership positions in the business world. I've often wondered this when I was working but I've never thought it is because men don't want them there. This book explains so well things girls/women need to work on. Highly recommend.
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