The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

by Patricia Evans

From the world’s most acclaimed expert on verbal abuse comes the first book that answers the question foremost in every woman’s can he really change?Combining practical applications with the latest clinical research with the trademark support and assurance of Evans, The Verbally Abusive Can He change? shows victims of verbal abuse how to empower themselves, improve their relationships, and change their lives for the better.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Relationships

290 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2006

About the author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Reviews

[Sam Dye · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this 5 stars because it is a breakthrough book with a novel understanding of the subject. She posits that the man has a "dream woman" that doesn't square with the real woman in his life so he has to constantly try to define her as falling short. The dream woman is part of his weakened personality structure resulting in him being a "psychological paraplegic". In the course of the book she develops the concept of the Agreement and she gives a detailed way to develop it and present it for a chance of him changing with full disclosure.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Verbally Abusive Man is kind of a follow up to the author, Patricia Evans, previous book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. In fact, I would recommend reading that one first as she touches on some points from it in this book. This book, instead of focusing on the relationship, instead focuses on the abuser and whether or not he can change, and to a smaller extent, whether or not a woman should stay or go. This is probably something only useful for those in an intimate relationship.

The main first part of this book deals with the portrayal of the verbally abusive man and his dream woman. In this case, the dream woman is someone he's concocted as an extension of himself and “placed” in his partner's self as a way of seeing her as perfect. Once he does this, it is harder for him to see the real person past his dream women, and when something is out of line with what he thinks it should be, he gets angry because she is not mirroring his dream woman. This area also goes into the different types of verbal abuse, whether or not counseling is helpful, and if a change is even possible for the abuser. Next the author moves on to the partner's wanting a change and what would motivate an abuser to change. Finally, the main focus of the book “The Agreement” is brought forth and the author shares how to prepare it and present it, and finally how to write the agreement. After this is done it explains what men seeking change can do (this book focuses on the male being the abuser), whether or not the abuser is following the change, and what to do if he won't agree to cooperate with the Agreement. It follows with choosing to stay or go in the relationship.

I find this book helpful for identifying if someone is willing to change. However, this book is more geared towards people who want to make it work and if you are already out of the relationship it is a lot harder to see how it would apply or help you aside from what the author calls “letting him know why you left.” I believe that if you have already left, the abuser probably doesn't care why as they are too angry at you for leaving. I also fear for the way she says to present as even if there was never any physical harm, verbal anger is hard enough and it may unleash quite a bit when the abuser is presented with the Agreement rather than making him see what he has done by any means. If he is a discounter he will probably write the whole thing off out of hand. Just by reading the whether or not he will change log I felt that if I presented the Agreement, especially since I had already left, that it would make things worse. And while she does cover this a little bit, the majority of the information is directed towards making things work and what to do if it does work. There isn't as much information or validation for those who can't even attempt to present the agreement or for those who it didn't work for. I recognize that the main premise of this book is the Agreement, but usually those people looking at these types of books are usually doing everything in their power, or are trying to heal themselves and will consume every resource cover to cover. It could make them feel like they aren't doing enough or didn't try hard enough while they were in the relationship.

It has some good and bad points like most books do. Unfortunately every relationship has different aspects and while there are commonalities, there isn't a guideline for any specific person when you're writing for many people. I do think this is a good resource to see if someone can change, but if you recognize that they can't or if it hurts too much to keep reading about those people it did work for don't feel like you need to keep reading.

It should be noted that there are some helpful appendices at the end that help identify abusive phrases and words, resources, and other information.

The Verbally Abusive Man
Copyright 2006
256 pages

[Linda Price-Dean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relationship problems and feminism. Every couples counsellor should read this - when men built higher educational institutions they defined women as excluded from them, when they developed religious institutions they defined women as unqualified to be ministers. For equal work women are still often defined as unworthy of equal pay. This state of affairs has permeated the consciousness of men and filtered down to the way they define their wives as subordinate. They think of themselves as good husbands while they subtly undermine their wives once they have the wedding ring on. They feel they have the right to tell their wives what they are thinking, what they feel and what their their motivations are. Women are equal and separate individuals and it is impossible for their husbands to know what they are thinking, feeling and intending.

I teach psychology and we call this 'positioning' a person as subordinate (one of many categories) so that all communication towards that person is tainted by that position and the recipient feels undermined but can't put their finger on it.

I completed a post grad counselling qualification as I thought it would balance the academic approach to psychology taught for my B.Sc. but we were taught to treat couples counselling as a 50/50 problem. It often isn't and the man is always on their best behaviour so that the low level verbal abuse is not displayed. Every counsellor should update their skills by reading this book. It is a step forward in feminism.

It would have been 5 stars but the some of the narrative about 'the dream woman' held by each man was off putting and I read past that.

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why did I buy this book?
First because I want to become a better man.
I've come to realize that sometimes (too many) I was the man I don't want to be: "running my mouth and saying things I didn't mean", abusing my partner . I am not yet the man I want to be, I am a work in progress. And as a matter of fact I will always be for as long as I can still improve.
Second. I wanted the understand the other part.
About this book
The book is kind of repetitive.
I also don't see how the fact that 100 years ago women didn't have right to vote connects with the subject. The author goes about these history of women rights about one full chapter
I was hoping for more help and as such for me the book was a bit of let down. I am not sure if the idea of a dream woman that was planted in a man's head in his childhood is all valid and at the origins of a man verbal abusive behaviour. But it may as well be since we men have tendency to get frustrated when women are not as we imagine them.
However for me is that when I was verbally abusive I was an irresponsible irrational egoistic, a "trying to rationalize" asshole. It does not matter if against a woman or any other person, I or for what reason or how often, verbal abuse is unacceptable. And this has to stop unconditional.
I agree that one can change only if he wants to change, moreover, only if acting, committed to make change happen.
Still a good read.

[Tariq Mahmood · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I read the book to help a friend suffering abuse by her partner but came out learning a number of relational do's and don'ts. Like never judge your partner or define her. No relationship is perfect but the important aspect to remember is to always admit when wrong especially after making hurtful statements which you might have picked up from our patriarchal cultural upbringing. But there is also a sliver lining for abusively inclined male species as they at least have an outside chance of improving themselves, if they want to of course, as opposed to abusive females who cannot change themselves. This is probably due to the fact that the abusive male is a product of patriarchal culture, and or an abusive childhood while females become abusive as a result of their childhood. Cultures can be tackled but tough childhoods are almost impossible to address.

[Mildred Casillas · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read if you're in it

Patricia Evans truly describes a verbally abusive man. It is a clear description and makes for an easy understanding of how a verbally abusive man is "created". Even if you are not interested in staying in the relationship, this book will provide the necessary facts for having compassion for someone like this and the how to's for protecting yourself. A great read.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great book on verbal abuse

Well written with lists of verbally abusive statements, threats and situations meant to control....many which seem common to everyday behavior in today's " in your face" world. All of this is good to know so we can scale back the abuse and allow each person to be their best self.

[Tara Cignarella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful. At first the 'dream woman' take seemed a little far fetched and sci-fi like but soon enough it makes sense. Great book for anyone dealing with verbal abuse or anyone with friends who are. Good read for anyone dating or for anyone who wants to help a young girl learn before she dates.

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read as audiobook

[Wanita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best of hers Ive read

[Jendayi Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting perspectives and plan to counter. Helpful for therapists.

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical read to help a partner navigate a relationship with harmful behaviors.

[Seinka · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book addresses all that confusion around the denying of feelings and needs, and gives clarity. Would definitely recommend this book.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A friend of mine recommended this and for me, it was quite an eye-opener. I enjoyed the detailed descriptions of hypothetical scenarios that might play out in these sorts of relationships and being someone that is going through this first-hand, it has provided enormous depth in helping me process a lot of the things.

[Gruia Novac · Rating 2 out of 5]

it brings many cultural flaws into light. a big list of all the triggers for peoples defensiveness.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very on point, cuts to the chase, even if your not verbally abusive

Even if you think "I'm not verbally abusive" you still need to read this book. I was amazed at how even in the smallest of ways I define my spouse. I definitely thought that not talking to someone after an argument was the right thing to do since I didn't want to make things worse. What I should have been doing is reaching out to her in love. I recommend this to ANYONE who wants to avoid ever being verbally abusive

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great resource for those that are struggling with a relationship that is toxic or borderline abusive. It is a manual that is written for women that asks them to take an honest look at their current relationship to see if it is truly healthy. Many women in verbally or emotionally abusive relationships, stay in marriages that are toxic in hopes that their partner will change. This book paints a portrait that is more realistic. A person cannot be made to change if that person does not feel the need to change. Many women make this fatal error in their marriages and suffer relentlessly for years. This book is an excellent reminder that it is useless to stay in a relationship that causes a person to feel small and powerless. It is better to walk a path alone than to suffer in silence for years. I highly recommend this book to anyone that is on the fence of divorce or separating from a partner that is abusive. It is very helpful and has a lot of advice that can make a difference in a person’s life.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone dealing with verbal or emotional abuse, including the man who may come to realise that he is being abusive towards his wife or partner. If a couple want to survive the abuse, this is a necessary read. Even if a woman doesn't think their husband or partner can change, the book helps to find safe ways of leaving while providing evidence so that the victim doesn't become the victim a second time over during the divorce. The book doesn't really address the situation when the wife is abusive to her husband, mostly because the author doesn't think that women who are abusive can change (she explains why). However, I am sure some of the strategies outlined would help. I do feel there is little societal awareness of verbal abuse and the author has done much to try to remedy this. Also to note, it us a bit too American focused. It would be nice to see some literature from a British perspective with British resources quoted.

[Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

a bit repetitive, but her overall theory and practice seems to be on point. good for all relationships, not just romantic ones.

btw, the title isn't a "man-hater's" title. She bases her book on her experience as a therapist and found that over a long period of time (years) she only had 3 female abusers approach her for help. 2 of the 3 decided not to begin therapy. The other made plans but backed out at the last minute.

She briefly goes into why she believes women have a much harder time accepting the role of "verbally abusive" such as being emotionally devastated by the life's circumstances and different power dynamics, but admits that her lack of experience with such a client limits her theory.

That said, I think the book is useful for men and women.

[Kipahni · Rating 3 out of 5]

So this is a great book for those in the west. Throughout the whole book I was curious how well this would be applied to Middle East though. Then I got to one of the last chapters and Ms. Evans told a story of the honor killing of a young girl, and baisically she said that the more opression between the sexes (as in one sex opressing the opposite sex) the less likely there will be change in verbal abuse.

Bummer. I was really hoping to use what I learned in the book as a way to "counsel" couples here... there is always hope for the future though

[Cynthia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so very helpful to me. I sometimes had to put it down, because there were things I was living in my marriage displayed in the book, and it made me emotional. I am so glad I read through the book. It helped me work through my emotions and decisions. The "agreement" is a useful tool for couples who may want to remain together. It equips you to make a better informed decision on whether to stay or leave an emotionally abusive man. I think the final question you need to answer is whether or not you want to remain in the relationship, whether he changes or not.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

she over-reaches in some places with her root causes and analogies, but the main focus of the book -- the agreement written between the two partners about ending verbal abuse in their relationship -- is essentially very helpful. the lists of resources she provides in the appendix are fairly comprehensive and up-to-date, too.

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really good book for the abused woman. Patricia states she has no gripe with men just that she never sees women abusers who want to change. As a therapist myself I am seeing a trend in marriages where both the man & woman are abusers!!!!!! what a life.................B

[Clara Bella]

I wish there was a queer version of this book.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

Answer to the title's question: No

[Manish Dev · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very nice book for both partner and abuser. It comes down to how they use it.

[Magdeline Fajardo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting theories.

The book contained some good information. There are some theories presented with a great deal of examples of those theories.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wake up call

This book really opened my eyes to how I have treated my wife and has made me want to put in the work to change.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great resource- well presented. Lots of resources at the back; examples; well- explained.