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The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections
What Room Are You In?
Ask any woman how she's feeling. Even when things look pretty darn great from the outside, chances are that at least one thing (and it may seem minor to others) is nagging at her, making her feel less than spectacular, bringing her I'm too fat. My husband doesn't help enough around the house. My friend is going to be mad if I don't call her back. Why don't my kids try harder at school? My job is less than inspiring. Whatever happened to that old boyfriend, the one who got away?
Whether it's the size of our thighs or our bank accounts, there always seems to be something that isn't measuring up to our high standards--and we let the dissatisfaction spill over into other areas of our lives, distracting us from taking pleasure in everything that's going right.
In The Nine Rooms of Happiness , Lucy Danziger, editor in chief of Self magazine, and women's-health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf use the metaphor of a house to release us from this phenomenon. In this house, the living room is where we deal with friendships and our social life; the bedroom is where we explore intimacy, romance, relationships, and sex; the bathroom is for issues relating to health and body image; the kitchen is for nourishment and the division of chores; and so on.
Our "inner house" can have eight beautifully designed, neat and tidy rooms, and one messy one, and still we focus on the mess.
The Nine Rooms of Happiness pinpoints common self-destructive patterns of behavior and offers key processes that will help readers clean up their emotional architecture. After each room is "clean," Danziger and Birndorf show us how we can spend time on ourselves figuring out what is most meaningful to us--finding larger passion and purpose that makes returning to the rest of our house a pleasure, no matter what calamity or mess awaits.
The result? After reading this book you'll think differently about the things that are bringing you down and be able to live a happier, more joy filled life, in every room of your emotional house.
From the outside, you'd think I have it beautiful house, wonderful children, devoted husband. But am I happy I think so. There's nothing that has gone terribly wrong. There's no reason for me not to be happy. But I don't feel happy so much as I feel I'm just going through the motions. Sometimes I have the feeling that there's more and I just haven't found it yet. But what . . . and how dare I want more? Isn't all that I have enough?
--from The Nine Rooms of Happiness
Ask any woman how she's feeling. Even when things look pretty darn great from the outside, chances are that at least one thing (and it may seem minor to others) is nagging at her, making her feel less than spectacular, bringing her I'm too fat. My husband doesn't help enough around the house. My friend is going to be mad if I don't call her back. Why don't my kids try harder at school? My job is less than inspiring. Whatever happened to that old boyfriend, the one who got away?
Whether it's the size of our thighs or our bank accounts, there always seems to be something that isn't measuring up to our high standards--and we let the dissatisfaction spill over into other areas of our lives, distracting us from taking pleasure in everything that's going right.
In The Nine Rooms of Happiness , Lucy Danziger, editor in chief of Self magazine, and women's-health psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf use the metaphor of a house to release us from this phenomenon. In this house, the living room is where we deal with friendships and our social life; the bedroom is where we explore intimacy, romance, relationships, and sex; the bathroom is for issues relating to health and body image; the kitchen is for nourishment and the division of chores; and so on.
Our "inner house" can have eight beautifully designed, neat and tidy rooms, and one messy one, and still we focus on the mess.
The Nine Rooms of Happiness pinpoints common self-destructive patterns of behavior and offers key processes that will help readers clean up their emotional architecture. After each room is "clean," Danziger and Birndorf show us how we can spend time on ourselves figuring out what is most meaningful to us--finding larger passion and purpose that makes returning to the rest of our house a pleasure, no matter what calamity or mess awaits.
The result? After reading this book you'll think differently about the things that are bringing you down and be able to live a happier, more joy filled life, in every room of your emotional house.
From the outside, you'd think I have it beautiful house, wonderful children, devoted husband. But am I happy I think so. There's nothing that has gone terribly wrong. There's no reason for me not to be happy. But I don't feel happy so much as I feel I'm just going through the motions. Sometimes I have the feeling that there's more and I just haven't found it yet. But what . . . and how dare I want more? Isn't all that I have enough?
--from The Nine Rooms of Happiness
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2010
73 people are currently reading
674 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews
April 26, 2010
Here's what happened: the editor of Self magazine woke up one day and said "I want to publish a book, written by ME, so I can look awesome and have everyone think I have the key to happiness!" Then she found one of her doctor friends to co-sign and market it with her so she'd look legit.
Then, she okay-ed the jacket of this gobbledygook to be the most unconvincing, lame illustration I've ever SEEN. To top it off, the text is even less compelling than the skinny 2D girl in her red sundress and heels on the cover.
I'm a happy person, so perhaps I'm not the target audience here. I also don't have a husband or children, which in order to relate to most of the scenarios offered in this unhelpful heap of basically nothing, you apparently should have.
I am annoyed at how the authors treated the reader as a self-indulgent, low self-esteem, middle-aged girl with huge family issues hiding in her "basement." You don't need to write the same sentence in 5 ways in order for me to understand that in order to be happier you should hang out with your children more often, make time for yourself, exercise, get some friends and have some sex.
The only take-a-way I could find was in the epilogue when the "writers" quote Edith Wharton. EDITH is a good writer. She wants you to think about what you'll look back on and remember as great moments in your life the hour before you die. How can you make more of those moments?
Perhaps Lucy and Catherine should stick to their regular day jobs and just live quietly in their 9 rooms of mediocre advice. Gag me.
Then, she okay-ed the jacket of this gobbledygook to be the most unconvincing, lame illustration I've ever SEEN. To top it off, the text is even less compelling than the skinny 2D girl in her red sundress and heels on the cover.
I'm a happy person, so perhaps I'm not the target audience here. I also don't have a husband or children, which in order to relate to most of the scenarios offered in this unhelpful heap of basically nothing, you apparently should have.
I am annoyed at how the authors treated the reader as a self-indulgent, low self-esteem, middle-aged girl with huge family issues hiding in her "basement." You don't need to write the same sentence in 5 ways in order for me to understand that in order to be happier you should hang out with your children more often, make time for yourself, exercise, get some friends and have some sex.
The only take-a-way I could find was in the epilogue when the "writers" quote Edith Wharton. EDITH is a good writer. She wants you to think about what you'll look back on and remember as great moments in your life the hour before you die. How can you make more of those moments?
Perhaps Lucy and Catherine should stick to their regular day jobs and just live quietly in their 9 rooms of mediocre advice. Gag me.
July 3, 2012
This book made no impact on my life. This book listed a ton of problems. Listed a one sentence obvious answer to the problem and said now you should be happy.
It was like reading the advice column of Cosmo... or Self. Which is one of the authors, the editor of Self.
My problems weren't even listed in this book. Probably cause they chose shallow ones that could be listed in one page and spend 2 pages explaining what's wrong before the 1 word sentence.
So. Boys and girls if you'd like to know cutting off your spouse from sex doesn't work, neither does giving it to him every day so he won't cheat (really??? you could write a huge book on emotional abuse on this alone), or if you need help from your kids picking up rotting food off the counters this could be the book for you.
It was like reading the advice column of Cosmo... or Self. Which is one of the authors, the editor of Self.
My problems weren't even listed in this book. Probably cause they chose shallow ones that could be listed in one page and spend 2 pages explaining what's wrong before the 1 word sentence.
So. Boys and girls if you'd like to know cutting off your spouse from sex doesn't work, neither does giving it to him every day so he won't cheat (really??? you could write a huge book on emotional abuse on this alone), or if you need help from your kids picking up rotting food off the counters this could be the book for you.
April 26, 2011
After reading most of the book, it's clear I'm not the target demographic. To be able to relate to most of what it discusses, you need to be married with kids, as that's what most of the examples are about. I found a couple anecdotes I related to in the chapter on the office, but aside from that, I haven't been impressed so far. I'm finishing it just for the sake of doing so, and won't be holding onto the book once I'm done.
April 1, 2010
This book will impact every reader differently based on where they are in life, their past, their present and their future. It's at times hard to follow but at minimum EVERY woman should read the epilogue. For me, it was the most meaningful and moving and takes about five minutes to read but will make you think for hours after you have read it.
March 29, 2012
This sounded like a great book, but I was disappointed to find that many of the examples didn't really pertain to myself or my current situation. I suppose they are more broad and not specific to appeal to a wide audience of women, but I'm all about specifics. Also, in reading the few stories that did pertain to my life closely I was lost at the end not feeling like I had found a "solution/direction" to head next to solve that problem. I love the overall metaphor of the house and especially the question about asking "What room are you in?" I think I will find this very helpful in the future for organizing my thoughts and keeping them all in their place. Overall I believe reading this book will help me tame some of my issues, but I would have loved a little more practice/specific instruction. The pearls are also wonderful and I will hang onto those for future reference. I guess what I would ultimately wanted would be to find the root of my problems more than read about someone else's, especially when I found it hard to relate to most of them. I found the overall concept more helpful and something I would relate to others, more than the book itself.
May 1, 2010
Fabulous book that I believe any woman at any age could gain insight from - no matter what your occupation, relationship status, kids/no kids, etc. There are parts of this book all of us can learn from. So glad I read this!!! And it will help you stop beating yourself up about a lot of little things :)
May 12, 2010
I enjoyed the author's insights into happiness and found some of their "pearls" valuable and thought provoking.
I thought it was slightly awkward that co-author Catherine was referred to in the third person. The books conversational tone was nice but it felt at times like Lucy was the big sister imparting her friend's advice (Catherine says...or Catherine would tell us..)
I thought it was slightly awkward that co-author Catherine was referred to in the third person. The books conversational tone was nice but it felt at times like Lucy was the big sister imparting her friend's advice (Catherine says...or Catherine would tell us..)
May 1, 2010
I had high hopes for this book, but was disappointed. It was geared more towards someone who is not single and childless. There was not a single chapter in this book that gave me insight into my life. HUGE disappointment.
February 7, 2023
Honestly, I normally at least finish a book but I can’t . if this was even an average self help book, I’d finish it. But instead I am on here looking to see if everyone agrees how awful it is. This seems to be marketed to the wrong crowd as this is GENERIC advice for married people it seems. If you aren’t married and don’t have kids, this book should be avoided. Even if you do, this is WELL DUH advice. Also, the concept is gobbledygook- I still don’t feel like I understand what it’s saying about “what pearl of wisdom can you take from each room” and what each room might be communicating. Because while that sounds like it can have a thread, the author does a poor job of pulling the thread together.
Who this book is for: Selfish moms who feel bad about being selfish moms and feel like reading a book is really enough to change that.
Who this book is for: Selfish moms who feel bad about being selfish moms and feel like reading a book is really enough to change that.
August 21, 2019
Anecdotal and disorganized.
This book had a lot of potential, but wasn't able to organize itself to get to the point. Rather than discussing how to organize your metaphorical rooms, you're left to trudge through various stories and metaphors hoping you find something of relevance.
This book is the equivalent of one auther throwing food at the cabinets, and the co-author, and psychiatrist, explaining why only the pasta sticks and not the peas.
I'm going to skip to the last few chapters in hopes of finding a summary or review. I'm half way through the book as it currently stands, and feel like I've done the equivalent of watched a couple of hours of reality TV.
This book had a lot of potential, but wasn't able to organize itself to get to the point. Rather than discussing how to organize your metaphorical rooms, you're left to trudge through various stories and metaphors hoping you find something of relevance.
This book is the equivalent of one auther throwing food at the cabinets, and the co-author, and psychiatrist, explaining why only the pasta sticks and not the peas.
I'm going to skip to the last few chapters in hopes of finding a summary or review. I'm half way through the book as it currently stands, and feel like I've done the equivalent of watched a couple of hours of reality TV.
May 11, 2017
Despite the title, this book is not about home organization, but rather a metaphorical way of looking at the rooms in your "emotional house." The premise of this book is clever and there is some good advice offered, with an occasional epiphany to be had depending on your own personal situations. I found the informal "girlfriend style" writing with interspersed psychology definitions thrown in to be a bit simplistic at times, but overall it's a good read for those who wish to look into their own emotional rooms.
February 12, 2019
I've read deep and wide in this genre and found this disappointing. With all of the specific real-life examples, most of which were not relatable to my situation, I didn't connect to this at all. There's very little attention given to the process of going through the rooms yourself and more given to what other people did. Pass.
May 1, 2023
The book was the worst. I only finished it because my friend gave it to me so there’s at least one person who liked this book. The title is even a lie. Apparently there are ten rooms and they all suck. Plus the author doesn’t like the term “happiness”. Then why name your book that??? It’s so repetitive and as a spoiler, you’re always in the wrong room.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 26, 2024
This book was rough. I was only reading it because of a book club and I'm so glad I don't have to read it anymore. The house concept was interesting, but the book itself had no substance. Irrelevant examples, bad advice. It's also super outdated despite not being that old. Only focused on neurotypical cisgender heterosexual women for examples. Don't recommend.
April 12, 2019
Great book. It touched on so many situations that we as women are faced with. One thing it missed though was the stepmom. I didn’t read a single thing in the whole book that mentioned a “room” or difficult scenario that stepmoms face. Would have been helpful to me.
November 21, 2017
#nonfictionNovember
August 29, 2018
Unique style of writing about how to not sweat the small stuff in life.
November 2, 2018
Not in the least informative
January 6, 2021
Something is off with this book. It suppose to offer more.
November 3, 2012
Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birndorf's "The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections" is a self-help guideline that is designated for women. The book does offer some good advice and also some thinly-veiled enlightened sexism in the guise of medical/professional counseling advice. No longer is the woman's place solely in the kitchen, but we are to be confined to the house (even if it's just a metaphor). Couldn't they come up with a better metaphor? Seriously, do we need to discuss our work life, our families, our sex lives by confining them to household rooms? I think the subtle underlying message here is that no one is going to have it all, but as long as everything can be related back to the home than you're being a good woman like the household wives of yester-six-decades-ago. My second annoyance was the "A+B=C" formula. Where "A" is you, "B" is the other person, and "C" is the relationship between the two. Will a relationship ever be this simple? Never. What is Danzinger and Birndorf's belief? The old cliche: Do can't change anyone other than yourself. So, if the relationship is not working? Change yourself. If "A" changes, but the relationship is still not working? Continue to change yourself. Once again, under the guise of professional help, Danziger and Birndorf continue to enforce the stereotypical gender roles where women must be the homemakers, compromisers and pacifers.
September 13, 2025
Este libro es como una reseña que aconseja en 9 casos distintos relacionándolos con una situación muy concreta del desarrollo social. tiene algunos comentarios muy acertados que de hecho ya por experiencia puedo confirmar como ciertos. "nadie puede meterse en tu cabeza, nadie puede meterse re tu cabeza y adivinar que piensas y como te estas sintiendo, nadie puede satisfacer 100% tus expectativas, ni tu mismo" etc.
Pero mas o menos como por el 4 0 5 capitulo saca una barbaridad. Una consultante describe una situación en la que el marido que es doctor y aparte infiel, la encama cada mañana para que el no busque encuentros físicos afuera. A lo que ella ya literalmente "estira la pierna" y que es lo que le aconseja esta mujer?!!!. que son acuerdos, que ella acepto ese acuerdo, que o cambia el acuerdo, o confronta al marido o que se aguante. Tal vez ya estaba frustrada la consejera, tal vez era psicología inversa.
Oiga eso era una situación abusiva aquí no hay negociación de acuerdos en el matrimonio, esa situación era para darle a conocer que esa situación es inaceptable. que el matrimonio esta mal, que el señor no tendría que chantajearla emocionalmente, que mejor el señor (sabemos que lo hace) que se retire para encontrar satisfacer sus impulsos y ella se busque algo mejor. Ya pasaron años este era del 2019. Y me retumba en el corazón el sentir que fue de esa consultante.
Pero mas o menos como por el 4 0 5 capitulo saca una barbaridad. Una consultante describe una situación en la que el marido que es doctor y aparte infiel, la encama cada mañana para que el no busque encuentros físicos afuera. A lo que ella ya literalmente "estira la pierna" y que es lo que le aconseja esta mujer?!!!. que son acuerdos, que ella acepto ese acuerdo, que o cambia el acuerdo, o confronta al marido o que se aguante. Tal vez ya estaba frustrada la consejera, tal vez era psicología inversa.
Oiga eso era una situación abusiva aquí no hay negociación de acuerdos en el matrimonio, esa situación era para darle a conocer que esa situación es inaceptable. que el matrimonio esta mal, que el señor no tendría que chantajearla emocionalmente, que mejor el señor (sabemos que lo hace) que se retire para encontrar satisfacer sus impulsos y ella se busque algo mejor. Ya pasaron años este era del 2019. Y me retumba en el corazón el sentir que fue de esa consultante.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 13, 2013
With self-help books you've got to always remember that it's not going to be a perfect prescription for your individual problems, more like a general guide for where to start digging for the cure. This book is no different, although I really enjoyed that every point was illustrated with examples from real women. It was actually done in the format of "here's my problem" - "here's the solution" so it made the reading experience feel like a group of women sitting around a table sharing stories. I didn't realize it until today but one of the chapters (the one that focuses on the Office, the room where professional growth issues live) gave me the much-needed kick in the derriere and the "Go (with the status quo) or grow" pearl is directly responsible for my decision to take a literature course through Coursera and to join a writing club. My life is much fuller as a result, so as far as I'm concerned it's a great book and definitely worth the read.
May 26, 2012
I am a long-time subscriber of "SELF" magazine and was looking forward to reading the editor Lucy Danziger's book. I loved the premise of the book where the different aspects of your life (family, work, kids, personal time, etc.) are tied to a room in a house. For example, the bathroom is tied to your health and body image because that is where most people go to contemplate those things.
After the initial explanation of the book's premise, it falls short on offering useful advice. I'm a self-help book junkie and am always looking for ideas to help me to look on the bright side and get the most out of my days, but instead found unhelpful anecdotes about women struggling with their own lives. Being a single woman with no children, I admit that I skimmed over the lengthy chapters dealing with marriage and kids.
After the initial explanation of the book's premise, it falls short on offering useful advice. I'm a self-help book junkie and am always looking for ideas to help me to look on the bright side and get the most out of my days, but instead found unhelpful anecdotes about women struggling with their own lives. Being a single woman with no children, I admit that I skimmed over the lengthy chapters dealing with marriage and kids.
December 23, 2013
A friend of mine was reading this book, and the concept of it sounded very interesting. So I picked it up from the library. I read about 3 or 4 chapters before I realized that they were all almost identical. The premise of the book is that your life can be compartmentalized into nine rooms, and subsequently compared to your real brick and mortar house. While the concept is interesting, once I got into this book, it wasn't any different than any other self-help book. I didn't even end up finishing the book, which is not like me, because I like to finish the story even if I don't really like where it's going, or how it's going there. But I just couldn't bring myself to read 100 pages more of what I had already read when I wasn't even intrigued by it. So needless to say, I can't really recommend this book to anyone.
June 17, 2010
I didn't finish it, because I have better things to read with my time. It was really not so bad, but I did not find it very insightful. It might have been more useful if I'd never read a self-help book. I didn't like the way it was written or the perspective that Lucy Danziger brought very much. The personal-story and analysis was somewhat useful/interesting, but I don't think I go very much out of that nor am I sure how useful the average reader would take away from it. I also have a sneaking suspicion that there is a whole class of women who are not represented in this book. (Including, I am tempted to say, women who have a good body image or who value time to relax.) If the title of this book interests you, I would recommend "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin instead.
April 26, 2011
I found a lot of helpful stuff in this book. The pearls of wisdom at times gave me an ah-ha moment while other times it just made for a good read.
My biggest complaint about this book is it focuses so much on married women and women with children. I realize a lot of women who will pick up this are married with children but it just reinforced to me at times that our culture is very centered around families with children while some of us either struggling to have children or who choose to not have children. The chapter on the children's room didn't once discuss a couple dealing with infertility and how that may effect your emotional children's room. Also not a single woman that was interviewed for this book is in a lesbian relationship.
My biggest complaint about this book is it focuses so much on married women and women with children. I realize a lot of women who will pick up this are married with children but it just reinforced to me at times that our culture is very centered around families with children while some of us either struggling to have children or who choose to not have children. The chapter on the children's room didn't once discuss a couple dealing with infertility and how that may effect your emotional children's room. Also not a single woman that was interviewed for this book is in a lesbian relationship.
April 17, 2014
This is more of an endorsement for Edith Wharton's Fullness of Life, which is great, but I didn't want a book endorsement.
This book is okay. I like the idea of compartmentalizing my life (which I already do) and using a house to illustrate it, however, I think in order to be a full, actualized person, you shouldn't compartmentalize your life. I should be able to think about my infected toenail in any damn room I please because it affects every aspect of my life, not just one part.
I think the push for compartmentalizing is what causes people to read books about finding happiness and forces people to search for how to love themselves.
Let's just be full and complete people and not let anyone tell us that we have to be this way in this area and that way in that area.
This book is okay. I like the idea of compartmentalizing my life (which I already do) and using a house to illustrate it, however, I think in order to be a full, actualized person, you shouldn't compartmentalize your life. I should be able to think about my infected toenail in any damn room I please because it affects every aspect of my life, not just one part.
I think the push for compartmentalizing is what causes people to read books about finding happiness and forces people to search for how to love themselves.
Let's just be full and complete people and not let anyone tell us that we have to be this way in this area and that way in that area.
July 24, 2011
It was alright, a little slow at times to get through and nothing mind blowing or new to me. Maybe it's just because I prefer "The Secret" for an inspirational, life changing type of book. Once you've read and watched "The Secret" I think it's hard to think of any other self help book as excellent. Plus, they do tend to focus a lot on kids which I don't have yet and the concept of the house was odd to me.
May 24, 2012
The book itself wasn't terribly amazing, but it did encourage some soul searching on my part. The way the book was set up, there were lots of "case studies" or examples from real women. Some of the scenarios I could relate to and really made me think, but most were things I couldn't really relate to (even though I'm pretty sure I'm the target audience: married with kids). It was a good book in that I now have some food for thought.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 66 reviews