Changes That Heal

by Henry Cloud

In this ground-breaking book, Dr. Cloud takes the reader step-by-step through the four basic tasks of becoming mature image bearers of God: Bonding to others - Separating from others - Sorting out good and bad in ourselves and others - Becoming an adult -- Dr. Cloud not only explains and describes each task, he also identifies the problems that result when we fail to accomplish that task, and he shows us what changes to make in our lives in order to bring about healing.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Counselling, Christian Living, Christianity

267 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1992

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Jaclynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. Amazing it how it revealed patterns, strengths, and weaknesses. Showing me clearly areas of my life I need to work and apply myself on as well as showing me how I can change and heal. There were so many helpful examples throughout the book that in one way or another applied to me. I especially got a lot out of the chapter entitled "What is Adulthood?"
I grew up never being allowed to disagree, it wasn't "safe" to do so. I realize now that I have struggled with the inordinate need for approval/fear of disapproval, guilt, feeling inferior, need for permission for everything, and also have lived in a world of legalism, much of it self inflicted. In many ways, I did not become an adult because I was not treated as an adult and I did not set good boundaries for myself to deal with that.
My mom had a book by Dr. Cloud (Boundaries in Marriage)before that I had skimmed through before and thought it would be great for my parents. (Unfortunately, I don't think they made it to the next step.) So I was somewhat familiar with his work. Even if you don't think you are struggling with any particular area, this book would still be good to go through. Dr. Cloud takes the reader through 4 steps/tasks of becoming mature image bearers of God.

[Aprile · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is no easy read. That isn't to say it's hard to understand, but that this is a book that should be read slowly and carefully in order for you to think through what it is saying. As someone who struggles with taking full responsibility for myself and not blaming others for things I can do something about, this is a book I can already tell I will want to read again. It talks about the four tasks of becoming mature men and women of God. As per the Amazon.com book description: "In this ground-breaking book, Dr. Cloud takes the reader step-by-step through the four basic tasks of becoming mature image bearers of God: Bonding to others - Separating from others - Sorting out good and bad in ourselves and others - Becoming an adult ..." I found this book to be helpful in telling me that we focus too much on the symptoms when those cannot be cured. It is what causes the symptoms that we should be concerned about.

[Becca · Rating 5 out of 5]

A difficult read, (definitely not light-hearted) but helpful for identifying past patterns and acquiring the tools of how to break these patterns. It's a great springboard for beginning to unpack your own baggage: figuring out what needs to change, how to forgive people from your past, and how to become/continue being a true adult.

I *strongly* recommend not reading this in one sitting (for you power readers out there). I also recommend letting a trusted friend/spouse or counselor know that you are reading this book so that you have someone to speak with when you're finished.

While this is a Christian-based book, I would still recommend this to people outside of Christianity if the occasional Christianese-speak and a few silly blanket statements won't bother you (they are a little conservative) . I know that Cloud has been associated with Focus on the Family in the past, and I disagree with many of their stances (FotF). The heart of what Cloud writes is usually well done.

[Marlene Salcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. How we needed your book sooner. I learned from Dr. Cloud"s book more than anything else that my parenting style was truth but often lacked the grace. I think that is what I learned from home. I needed grace but had no idea of what it looked like. Thank you, Mick Silva, editor for Waterbrook Press for telling me how much that particular book was used by God to make a difference in your family. I am continuing to read more of Dr. Cloud's books. It is time for we who have been in the church for a long time to realize we are all broken and need each other and the sources to heal, forgive and allow God the freedom to strip us down to what He really intended us as the church to be. Maybe we need to get back to the basics of the song, "It's me, it's me O Lord, standing in the need of prayer and stop being so busy trying to help everyone else. Perhaps we try to do ministry when we've never fully allowed God to minister to us. Just a thought.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me untangle some deep spiritual and emotional snarls deep in my heart. It's also the first comprehensive look at what it means to become an adult -- something I can't help but feel this generation is sorely lacking (especially after reading "Generation Me").

[Jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a psychologist, the author is respectable. As a theologian, though, he seems a little lacking. The four "shifts" he discusses in this book are truly very useful in helping people live socially healthier lives. But I feel like what he had to say could have been said with 2/3 less text. Ultimately our issues in properly relating to other human beings is a sin problem. We can band-aid the issue by changing our behavior, but without a heart change from God that's moralism, which ultimately ends in frustration and failure. I know that Cloud uses Biblical language to make it seem like he's communicating God's will for our lives. But God's ultimate call for humanity is salvation through Jesus Christ (I Tim 2:4). Does God want us to function well in our social circles? Yes. In Him are we able to do this? Sometimes. Will "The Four Shifts" actually "Make Everything Better," as the cover claims? No. Our behavior doesn't make us better! God alone can heal us of our sickness.

Cloud would be proud of my admitting that this book isn't all bad. I would recommend it to a select few friends. And I have had eye-opening realizations about my own social shortcomings because of what Cloud writes about (as a perfectionist and a push-over, I do struggle with boundaries, for example). But the damage it would do to the many Christians who are already chained to moralistic views of Christ's plan for their lives far outways the benefits of this book. God's desire for us does not have an ulterior motive. He simply wants us. Change will happen, yeah, because that's normal when you begin the slow journey of knowing and loving God through the enabling of the Holy Spirit. If His intentions were simply to turn us into nice and well-functioning human beings He would've been better off building robots. I'm not saying God wants us to stay as the disgustingly sinful wretches that we are. What I am saying is that God wants relationship with us. It is then and only then, through heart modification, that we can even think about becoming truly "good people."

This book isn't a waste of time. And I think if someone enters it knowing of this main weakness (issues of moralism), they could glean helpful thought-seeds from it. Perhaps I've been too harsh. Cloud is, as I said, very smart when it comes to psychology. He provides a lot of insight into the ways that we as human beings are struggling socially with the side-effects of sin. He has that half totally spot on! We suck at the four aspects he addresses. Healthy relationships do not come naturally to us, because sinning is our human nature. We cut ourselves off from fellowship. We accept manmade views of right and wrong. Or we don't take God-given responsibilities seriously. Etc. Cloud has at least that much going for him. Its just the what-we-can-do-about-it part that seems off to me. Behavior modification does work, don't get me wrong. But that's not what God wants. Tim Keller says it more efficiently than I could: "Let the gospel sink so deeply down in you that it changes your views and even the structures of your motivation."

[David Lyelu · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has been a thought provoking maturity inducing book.
As the title states, the book explores 4 areas of relationship namely 1. Bonding with others, 2. Separating with others, 3. Sorting the good and the bad and 4. Becoming an adult. It explored these themes in a way that questioned my already set paradigms.
I however disagreed with a number of things he said in the first chapter on grace and truth. His claim that truth is synonyms with the law in the first chapter of John just didn't sit well with me.
Regardless of all the contradictory things I found in the first chapter, this book has done exactly what the author was intending to do when he wrote it; provide healing and foster growth in relationships

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing, life-giving, breakthrough-inspiring, maturity-inducing. No matter what issues you're facing, no matter what place you're at in life, this book can help you process your past, grow up and heal in your present, and revolutionize your future.

There is so much I could say, and I will eventually. For now, let me say that there have been few nonfiction books that have held my attention like this one. It's surprisingly easy to read, in spite of the fact that he's dealing with difficult issues.

[Lauren Wildoner · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 ⭐️
This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. It changed my way of thinking not only about my past, but about who I am in the present and how to navigate the world in connection to the One who created it. I want to read this book over and over- there are sections in it I know will be applicable now and in the future. Dr. Henry Cloud walks us through boundaries, what they are, why we need them, and what God says about them through scripture. If any of these quotes resonate with you, I highly encourage you to read this book. I would say everyone needs to- this is a book about relationships and everyone needs a little help navigating them.

“Sometimes we represent our weakness as if it were bad. We don’t think it’s okay to be weak…We have been injured in many ways and our real self houses all of the evidence of those injuries. The pain, the brokenness and the emotional underdevelopment we all possess is part of who we really are.”

“There is no simple theological answer to pain; the answer is a relationship with God in the midst of pain. Those who need things in neat little black-and-white packages cannot tolerate such a faith.”

“Freedom comes from taking responsibility; bondage comes from giving it.”

[Donna · Rating 2 out of 5]

A week ago, I read a book by this author and absolutely loved it. I picked up a few more by him and I've been disappointed with those choices. I couldn't finish one and deleted it from my device because I knew I would never get back to it to finish.

This one I finished but again, I'm not feeling the love. There were certainly some good points made, but when he said that because of the fall of Adam, we were all broken and that we needed to be fixed, I was rolling my eyes. That isn't something I believe one bit. So from then on I felt guarded as to his overall message. So 2 stars. It was just okay for me.

[Amy Whitehouse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book on emotional/relational health. Best to have group to discuss with and watch accompanying DVD for optimal benefit.

[Elsa K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was well researched and well thought out. The author's use of examples or stories helped bring the examples to life. The book did seem to get monotonous or drag by the end (maybe that is also as I read it over a long time period). I started to get sick of all the bold topics and list-style writing. But overall, a lot of good content. I recommend especially for young adults starting to put down roots.

[Avolyn Fisher · Rating 3 out of 5]

The easiest way for me to discuss my thoughts on this book would be to break it into two categories of pros and cons.

Pros:
I absolutely loved the first 1/4 of this book and thought it was extraordinarily insightful. I found myself highlighting and underlying so many great passages. I also enjoyed that Henry spoke so openly and honestly about the human nature within all of us and how it relates to our ability to live out the Christian expectations of us. So many Christian books try to deny the sinful nature instead of embracing and realizing that we all have one no matter how hard we try to be pure and holy. Henry even points out how dangerous this denial is and that it is impossible to find healing, peace, and grace if we are still in denial of our sins. For those reasons I thoroughly enjoyed this book.

Cons:
The book spent a little too much time pinpointing symptoms or negative side effects from not establishing boundaries, relationships, or our own identity as adults. I know I have problems I know what most of my downfalls are, at least the ones I am most interested in fixing. I didn't care to spend so much time reading about what can happen to us if we don't resolve certain issues because I had already diagnosed myself with issues I didn't need the Christian take on the DSMV. I also felt that it got a little repetitive and could have been a much shorter book if he didn't spend so much time repeating himself or belaboring the point.

Overall I would recommend this book to anyone considering reading it, if it sounds like it could be of use or a good read for you I'm sure you will gain from it. Despite my cons list I do feel that I gained much from reading this book.

[Rachel L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is so helpful. I highly recommend it for those who grew up in very conservative, authoritarian systems.

[Utah Kershner · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! People have been recommending Henry cloud books to me for more than a year now. I finally picked up changes that heal and my only regret is that I didn’t read it sooner. I flew through this book in 10 days because I couldn’t put it down. and changes that heal, Henry cloud does an excellent job outlining a simple four part plan for healing and growth. It centers around bonding with others, creating good boundaries, identifying good and bad in yourself and others, and making steps toward growing to true adulthood. I love this book, because even though Dr. cloud is a Christian psychologist, he doesn’t use the latte academic language that I’m used to from college. Everything he writes about, he explains in a simple easy to understand way. I can’t recommend this book enough. i’m confident that anyone who reads changes that heal will come out of it feeling equipped to grow more into the person God created them to be. 10/10

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book from the library on a recommendation & I’m glad I did. The tag line would not have been something I would have been drawn to normally, but it was an insightful book that uses a Christian perspective to shine a light on some pretty common issues and how to uncover the roots of them. This would probably be impactful in different ways for different people but I would imagine most any Christian would find it helpful.

[Jaran]

Two of the four sections in this book were actually helpful, which is a surprising thing for me to utter since I categorically dislike the self-help genre and have ignored it completely for approximately half a decade.

I can comfortably recommend this book to many.

[Shell Hunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here's an example of my book club blowing me away.
The topic was a "religion" and I couldn't have rolled my eyes harder, but I already told myself I was going to give this book a good try--even if it was my "college try".
I was hooked by the intro to this book. It was less about religion and more about psychology and the ways we can improve our own psychology to better our lives. It was absolutely incredible.
Growing up in Utah, where my family and my community is so religious-focused, it's not often I feel "heard', but Henry Cloud definitely heard me. I'm a believer in all of the healing changes and I really enjoyed this book and its recommendations.
At times it was VERY heavy-handed with scripture references and often sounded like it was shoved in last minute, but I could overlook that easy.
My favorite part of this book that will forever linger in my mind is the real v ideal and our recognition of the gray areas that we are. Choices/opinions are not always good and bad. It's so simple but sometimes I have felt "bad" because I was different. The idea that different isn't bad, my experiences don't make me bad, etc. People are a mix of good and bad (real and ideal). The whole reconciliation of those two parts really made this book worth it for me.
I bought the book from Amazon because I needed to highlight SO MANY parts.
I really do recommend it for everyone. I think that there is real value in this book for human beings not just religious types.

[Claire Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I want to go to a non-Christian counselor, so I’ll get real life-applicable help rather than just Spiritual/Biblical stuff” is a disturbingly frequent phrase I have heard from friends and family when they talk of seeking help. The divide between spirit and body our church language has so strongly emphasized has caused incredibly helpful counseling/therapy practices to seem entirely separate from the Christian realm. Dr. Henry Cloud is one of the most-well equipped men I have ever read to show how counseling practice and Biblical references go together perfectly. This book is an incredible follow-up to “Boundaries,” or just a good stand-alone read, for how to enter this world as a mature adult able to deal with past relational wounds and ready to take one’s place among peers (rather than people who are all either above/beyond us, or beneath us). He writes in an accessible way, breaking down a lot of psychological ideas and practices while showing how Scripture has been saying the same thing all along. I would recommend to everyone I know.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I feel like there is a lot of truth in the things that Dr. Henry Cloud writes about. I picked up this one because it was mentioned in the book "Boundaries" that he and Dr. John Townsend wrote-- a wonderful book that everyone should read!
Dr. Cloud does a good job in this book of describing and backing with Christian principles 4 important truths of life: 1. Bonding 2. Boundaries 3. Reconciling Good and Bad 4. Becoming an adult
I feel everyone could benefit from the lessons taught in this book. Even though I have a slightly different understanding/belief about the Fall of Adam I still felt this is a man who understands God, and understands how to help us become like Him and help ourselves in our lives as well.

[Roxane Lapa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist and Christian, has identified 4 areas of our lives that can really stunt us emotionally if they are out of balance. These 4 areas are bonding; boundaries; perception of good and bad; and emotional maturity. The book brings insight into these areas, which in turn brings healing.

I started reading this book about a decade ago and it changed my life back then. Now at a different stage of my life with different concerns, it has once again made a massive impact for the better. Perhaps I will read it again in another decade.

[Camille Kendall · Rating 5 out of 5]

A distant friend and I ask each other at our annual catch-up reunion every year: "If I only read one book this year, what should it be?"

My answer this year will be: "Read Henry Cloud's 'Changes That Heal.'"

Written for laymen, "Changes That Heal" is easy to understand and practical. I especially appreciate Cloud's many case scenarios/illustrations and his straightforward advice for simple changes you can start making today to improve emotional and relational health.

[Leif Nevener · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. God spoke powerfully to me through it.
I don’t know if I have ever read a more impactful book for my life besides this one. It is brutally honest and revelatory. Praise God for this book!!

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is one of those "snowball effect" books where you read it, and before you know it, you're buying/recommending it for all of your friends and family because it's just that good! No matter who you are, this book has something profound and insightful to teach you that will help you understand yourself and function better than you knew was possible! Read it.

[Tanusha Attanti · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book for anyone looking to grow in their understanding of healthiness/growth from a biblical perspective. I really enjoyed this book and was recommended it. I knew some of the content beforehand through other resources but was really surprised by the insight it provided into my own life and how I can continue to seek growth and maturity in Christ and in the church body.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing. This book is so insightful and practical, and the personal stories included were helpful reinforcements to the information in the text. Reading this book was like going to therapy, except cheaper and there were no time limits. I cannot recommend it enough.

[Andrea Van Boven · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was foundational for a lot of the healing I have experienced over the last 10 years. I ahve gone back to it repeatedly.

[Debra Wagenecht · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for working through emotional/relational issues.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If I handed you a baseball bat and gave you permission to bash my face in, would you do it?" Usually, the members of the group say no.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because it's wrong to hit someone. It's not right," someone says.

"Because it would hurt you, and I don't want to hurt you," another person says.

"Which person would you trust with the bat?" I ask the group.

The group quickly concludes that the person who doesn't want to hurt me is much less likely to hit me. This person has the ability to empathize with how I would feel if I got clobbered.

Since we often do what we know is wrong, rules rarely keep us in line. Love does a much better job of keeping us moral. We think of how we might hurt the one we love, more often than we think of some code we must keep.

Henry Cloud's Changes That Heal is that rare self-help book that actually offers sound, rational advice in dealing with issues of the self. As the subtitle makes clear, Cloud examines "four shifts that make everything better...and that anyone can do": Bonding to others, defining clear boundaries, sorting out good and bad, and becoming an adult. As an experienced therapist, Cloud offers clarity and relevance to these topics as well as strategies to put them in effect. There are some good, helpful sessions within this book to help us help ourselves to be better selves.

However, I want to note Cloud is also a Christian, and many of his explanations and solutions are Biblically based. I can understand if this turns some people off. It's one thing to help someone with an attitude adjustment; it's quite another to help someone adjust an attitude so they can be more right with God. Cloud quotes from the Bible more than he quotes therapists or scientific research. The bright side, though, is that his use of scripture is cogent and relevant to his topics. In a sense, you get a better idea of the potential use of some Biblical writing in defining and offering viable solutions to misguided or even delusional thinking. As a Christian, I found Cloud's methodology fascinating and insightful. If you do not want to mix religion in your therapy, then Cloud may annoy rather than assist you.

A despairing person should have kindness from his friend, said Job, "lest he forsake the fear of the almighty" (Job 6:14 NASB). Job recognized, as only a person in pain can do, that simple answers not only fail to relieve pain, they can literally drive a person further away from God. The hurting person who takes this sort of advice to heart often has two problems instead of one: the pain she originally had, plus the guilt over not being able to apply the answers she was given.

[Caleb Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading this book felt like going to counseling in the 90's.

Cloud's practical wisdom helped me grow up in ways that I didn't expect and couldn't have predicted. This one did take awhile for me to get through, but I found incredible freedom in some of the ways that Henry applied scripture to the often chaotic and entangled world of personality and relationships.

Cloud's introduction on page 13 reads :

Because of Adam and Eve's fall into sin in the Garden of Eden, we (humanity) have not developed the "likeness" of God in the vital areas of our person, and we are not functioning as we were created to function.

The version I read was written in 1992, and lots of fresh and timely works have since then been produced on emotional and relational health. The style of this book might be really hard for some, and it wasn't the easiest experience. I would still recommend this text to those who have already decided to give the Bible authority in their lives and are interested in hearing what God's heart is for distant spouses and estranged siblings.