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Why Men Won't Commit: Getting What You Both Want Without Playing Games
Dr. George Weinberg has been a therapist for over twenty-five years. In that time, he has worked with a great range of men, and he has discovered that deep down, men actually want commitment, love, and permanence every bit as much as women do. Over the years, his patients -- even those who have had a string of failed relationships -- have expressed deep desires for permanent, monogamous mariages.
So why do they behave as if they don't?
And what can a woman who wants a relationship do to help her man commit?
While other therapists tend to be students of women, Dr. Weinberg is a student of men. From childhood, most men have been taught to be strong and silent, never to show weakness. They've been discouraged from talking about their feelings, so they never learned the skill. Now, most are on a quest for the ready-made perfect woman. They feel that, in relationships, things can't be worked out. When the slightest thing goes wrong, it seems easier to bolt than to talk.
In engaging prose filled with anecdotes we all can relate to, Dr.Weinberg unveils the psyche of men to show the real insecurities that lurk there. Other books like The Rules and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus have played right into men's fears -- by accepting the old myth and telling women that their job is to "overcome" men's fear of commitment. As Dr.Weinberg explains, this is exactly the wrong thing to do. Men have a powerful radar that tells them to run away when any strategy is being used on them. He explains why games of any kind -- playing hard to get, making a man jealous -- will only push a man further from commitment. And he gives women four simple keys to understanding their man's real needs and helping them move toward relationships.
It is easy to scare a man, but it is also easy to capture his love without playing games. Why Men Won't Commit shows women how to enter places where her man has not allowed any other woman to go and, if it's right, to stay there in a loving, committed relationship.
So why do they behave as if they don't?
And what can a woman who wants a relationship do to help her man commit?
While other therapists tend to be students of women, Dr. Weinberg is a student of men. From childhood, most men have been taught to be strong and silent, never to show weakness. They've been discouraged from talking about their feelings, so they never learned the skill. Now, most are on a quest for the ready-made perfect woman. They feel that, in relationships, things can't be worked out. When the slightest thing goes wrong, it seems easier to bolt than to talk.
In engaging prose filled with anecdotes we all can relate to, Dr.Weinberg unveils the psyche of men to show the real insecurities that lurk there. Other books like The Rules and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus have played right into men's fears -- by accepting the old myth and telling women that their job is to "overcome" men's fear of commitment. As Dr.Weinberg explains, this is exactly the wrong thing to do. Men have a powerful radar that tells them to run away when any strategy is being used on them. He explains why games of any kind -- playing hard to get, making a man jealous -- will only push a man further from commitment. And he gives women four simple keys to understanding their man's real needs and helping them move toward relationships.
It is easy to scare a man, but it is also easy to capture his love without playing games. Why Men Won't Commit shows women how to enter places where her man has not allowed any other woman to go and, if it's right, to stay there in a loving, committed relationship.
224 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2003
26 people are currently reading
150 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 17, 2014
George Weinberg’s been analyzing men for over 25 years. He’s discovered, through work with his therapy patients, that men want “commitment, love, and permanence every bit as much as women do.” Guess what other conclusion he’s come to? Men want permanent monogamous marriages, but apparently they act like jerks and behave as if they don’t. Blame it on a culture that discourages men from revealing their feelings; a culture that perpetuates the myth that the ideal man is the strong, silent type.
Weinberg’s twist, his hook, is that he offers the opposite of the “wisdom” offered by other pop psychology pundits like John Gray. While Gray tells us “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”, and that successful relationships require a “strategy” for success, Weinberg says phooey on such ideas. The term “strategy”, he believes, is just a euphemism for “game” and men and women shouldn’t engage in relationship games of any kind.
Weinberg’s book, with its emphasis on real-time dialogues between couples and suggestions for positive interaction that requires no perfumery or game playing, might actually help some couples achieve a better, longer lasting relationship.
Weinberg’s twist, his hook, is that he offers the opposite of the “wisdom” offered by other pop psychology pundits like John Gray. While Gray tells us “men are from Mars and women are from Venus”, and that successful relationships require a “strategy” for success, Weinberg says phooey on such ideas. The term “strategy”, he believes, is just a euphemism for “game” and men and women shouldn’t engage in relationship games of any kind.
Weinberg’s book, with its emphasis on real-time dialogues between couples and suggestions for positive interaction that requires no perfumery or game playing, might actually help some couples achieve a better, longer lasting relationship.
November 11, 2012
I was reluctant to purchase this when I first saw it sitting in a three dollar clearance rack at the local bookstore. I actually left it on the shelf that first day with this silly fear that, should I carry it up to the counter for purchase, I would automatically be dubbed this sketchy, co-dependent woman who was adding more ammo to her mental manipulation of men shelf. I would have had an easier time, I supposed, purchasing lesbian erotica than any self help book. I drove back to the store the next day and handed over my three bucks. I'd empowered myself with the fact that I wasn't purchasing this book as a means to handle my current relationship so much as to understand one of my failed past ones. You can't manipulate a relationship you've already ended. Take my three Dollars, and no, I don't need a bag.
Because the author has a penis and a PhD, and is talking about the inner workings of man, it seems a trustworthy place to start for anyone looking for incite. The text flows conversationally and points are made using Weinberg's accounts of patients he had seen. The basic premise introduced is that men are really simple creatures. They want love but their inability to understand their own emotions on anything much simpler than love, makes it a challenge for them to express it, if they ever do at all. On top of this, Weinberg introduces us to the concept of Masculine Pretense, which is essentially the image that the man is presenting to the world and often acts as a barrier and a hindrance to him acting as free in regards to love as women are apt.
If you're still with Weinberg at this point, he continues on to state that all men have four basic needs. They have: A need to feel special (and/or chosen above all other possible choices you could have made and have made in your love choice), a need to feel like they're traveling light and are not dominated or hindered by who they are with in any way, they need loyalty even before they know they would need it and a loyalty to their true self and not just to their Masculine Pretense and finally, they need to feel emotionally close before they'll commit. The book, geared to coaching men daters/lovers, then goes into how we as daters/lovers can use these needs of his back against him and help him to commit.
Sure Weinberg pops in frequently to remind us to be natural and not force yourself to cater to your man if it doesn't feel natural for you to do so, but come on, it's a book on relationships! Its underlying assumption is that anyone who buys it is interested in getting the one they're with to commit. It's nearly impossible to read this book and Not plot and plan on how to behave to get the desired result. It's an instruction manual for the insecure! Not that that's a bad thing...
What I enjoyed about this book is that it did offer perspectives I hadn't considered before. If you start to think of your unwilling to commit man as a weaker sex prone to living by his gut reactions to you, you can empathize a bit with how hard it must be for him to even decide to take you to Pizza Hut, let alone arrange any future plans for you. It does make you pay attention to your own image and what it is you're doing or saying around him and self examination is rarely a bad idea. However, this work does run the risk, when placed in the wrong hands, to just make a super
codependent woman even more codependent despite the final chapters on how important it is to make yourself happy and stable. It's important to remember that even if you naturally play into all four of a man's needs and are doing so naturally and with happiness on your part, a lasting commitment still might not evolve from that and that's something that isn't stated loud enough in this book and is something I would have liked to seen addressed. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, but at least with this book, it gives one a means to examine the relationship thoroughly, know you have done everything you naturally could do and then move on without too much regret or confusion.
I told my male friend I was reading this book and he said "You could read twenty books on the subject and still not get us." True.
Because the author has a penis and a PhD, and is talking about the inner workings of man, it seems a trustworthy place to start for anyone looking for incite. The text flows conversationally and points are made using Weinberg's accounts of patients he had seen. The basic premise introduced is that men are really simple creatures. They want love but their inability to understand their own emotions on anything much simpler than love, makes it a challenge for them to express it, if they ever do at all. On top of this, Weinberg introduces us to the concept of Masculine Pretense, which is essentially the image that the man is presenting to the world and often acts as a barrier and a hindrance to him acting as free in regards to love as women are apt.
If you're still with Weinberg at this point, he continues on to state that all men have four basic needs. They have: A need to feel special (and/or chosen above all other possible choices you could have made and have made in your love choice), a need to feel like they're traveling light and are not dominated or hindered by who they are with in any way, they need loyalty even before they know they would need it and a loyalty to their true self and not just to their Masculine Pretense and finally, they need to feel emotionally close before they'll commit. The book, geared to coaching men daters/lovers, then goes into how we as daters/lovers can use these needs of his back against him and help him to commit.
Sure Weinberg pops in frequently to remind us to be natural and not force yourself to cater to your man if it doesn't feel natural for you to do so, but come on, it's a book on relationships! Its underlying assumption is that anyone who buys it is interested in getting the one they're with to commit. It's nearly impossible to read this book and Not plot and plan on how to behave to get the desired result. It's an instruction manual for the insecure! Not that that's a bad thing...
What I enjoyed about this book is that it did offer perspectives I hadn't considered before. If you start to think of your unwilling to commit man as a weaker sex prone to living by his gut reactions to you, you can empathize a bit with how hard it must be for him to even decide to take you to Pizza Hut, let alone arrange any future plans for you. It does make you pay attention to your own image and what it is you're doing or saying around him and self examination is rarely a bad idea. However, this work does run the risk, when placed in the wrong hands, to just make a super
codependent woman even more codependent despite the final chapters on how important it is to make yourself happy and stable. It's important to remember that even if you naturally play into all four of a man's needs and are doing so naturally and with happiness on your part, a lasting commitment still might not evolve from that and that's something that isn't stated loud enough in this book and is something I would have liked to seen addressed. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, but at least with this book, it gives one a means to examine the relationship thoroughly, know you have done everything you naturally could do and then move on without too much regret or confusion.
I told my male friend I was reading this book and he said "You could read twenty books on the subject and still not get us." True.
August 16, 2013
Meh - I wanted to read more male psychology and I thought this would be more on how to get a man to commit or what makes a man commit. Written by a man, this is more on how women should love and commit to men over direct advice on getting a man to commit. The first part says to have sex "sooner than later" and the last chapter seems to be the shortest (LOL) reminding women to "stay true to themselves." Worth a browse for those soul searching to find some simple male psychology patters, but beware that this book is not truly written for women.
June 21, 2017
A well organized dating book, each chapter is approaching a different phase in the relationship, starting from dating, how to know if he is the right one? , solving an argument and ending with engagement and marriage.
the book is rich with allot of example since the writer is a therapist, nice book!
the book is rich with allot of example since the writer is a therapist, nice book!
January 21, 2012
The most sensible relationship book I've ever read. The interpretation of what men's behavior actually fits what I've observed and offers more in depth understanding of what matters to men and the things they can't verbalize. This one's a keeper.
March 16, 2019
The only reason for 4/5 stars is the total lack of spelling/grammar editing throughout this book, which was distracting to an otherwise fascinating and very valuable text.
Of all the relationship books I've read, this one has been by far the most helpful in trying to understand a man's actions and feelings in a relationship. Since it's written from the perspective of a male psychiatrist that almost exclusively treats male patients (and their partners) with these commitment issues, while still being written specifically for females, I trust both the perspective and the advice presented in this book.
That being said, a lot of the advice in the first 90% of this book is major legwork on the woman's side of the relationship, and I really wish there was a companion book for men to read so it doesn't feel like mostly our responsibility to fix these problems and coddle our men for issues that are primarily (if not solely) their own damn issues. I realize society has pressured and damaged men just as much as it has women, but sometimes it just became too much for me. There is enough on my plate in a relationship without having to worry about constantly editing myself. While the tone of the book didn't make me feel like I was doing anything 'wrong' before, it does in a very real sense pressure women to edit/restrain themselves in ways that sometimes just seem overwhelming. In my opinion, any man also has to be on board with doing some serious work on himself in order to truly overcome his Male Pretense.
I may have read this book too late in the game, which is why I feel the title is a bit off (and also off-putting in general). If you are already having major problems with commitment from your man, in some ways the damage has already been done and the book offers little advice in fixing said damage. Most of the advice given is preventative, but for me it was still worth reading to better understand my relationships and help me demystify men's seemingly erratic behaviors. There is a part at the end that stresses the importance of yourself in any relationship, and for me that information alone was valuable enough to make reading the whole book worthwhile.
Of all the relationship books I've read, this one has been by far the most helpful in trying to understand a man's actions and feelings in a relationship. Since it's written from the perspective of a male psychiatrist that almost exclusively treats male patients (and their partners) with these commitment issues, while still being written specifically for females, I trust both the perspective and the advice presented in this book.
That being said, a lot of the advice in the first 90% of this book is major legwork on the woman's side of the relationship, and I really wish there was a companion book for men to read so it doesn't feel like mostly our responsibility to fix these problems and coddle our men for issues that are primarily (if not solely) their own damn issues. I realize society has pressured and damaged men just as much as it has women, but sometimes it just became too much for me. There is enough on my plate in a relationship without having to worry about constantly editing myself. While the tone of the book didn't make me feel like I was doing anything 'wrong' before, it does in a very real sense pressure women to edit/restrain themselves in ways that sometimes just seem overwhelming. In my opinion, any man also has to be on board with doing some serious work on himself in order to truly overcome his Male Pretense.
I may have read this book too late in the game, which is why I feel the title is a bit off (and also off-putting in general). If you are already having major problems with commitment from your man, in some ways the damage has already been done and the book offers little advice in fixing said damage. Most of the advice given is preventative, but for me it was still worth reading to better understand my relationships and help me demystify men's seemingly erratic behaviors. There is a part at the end that stresses the importance of yourself in any relationship, and for me that information alone was valuable enough to make reading the whole book worthwhile.
February 14, 2020
I liked this book better the more you got into it. It talks about his needs and how you should behave towards him. He gives examples from his patients. This book talks a lot about him, it’s not until the end where it talks about your needs. I’m used to dating books telling women to get their needs met, not to settle for guys who aren’t that interested in them, to cut your losses in dead end relationships, don’t stay with guys who don’t care much about you, etc. This book doesn’t really do that, it’s more about telling you things from his side. What he needs from you in order to commit to you, how he responds to your behavior, how you should fulfill his needs, etc. It wasn’t what I was expecting this book to be about, but it was interesting to read.
May 7, 2025
very good; i dont agree with everything and am glad Stan, Jody and I had a really deep talk about it (as well as self-help books in general) because it informed the latter half of my reading experience
November 30, 2025
Its a book written by a man for a man. Basically men are little insecure kids that need constant reassurance.
February 17, 2009
I read this book because I was curious to know this psychologist's perspective on men's ability to be noncommital. hm.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews