Caring for Mother: A Daughter's Long Goodbye

by Virginia Stem Owens

"... Owens offers this thought-provoking memoir of her family's nearly seven-year-long ordeal with her mother's illness. Portraying additional struggles with her own and her father's age-related medical issues, she yet drives home the relentlessness of Alzheimer's demands on its sufferer's circle of support. ... Rather than belaboring the losses it entailed, Owens makes her experience instructive and conducive to reflection by readers facing similar challenges." --From Booklist's Donna Chavez

176 pages, Paperback

First published May 21, 2007

Reviews

[Penny · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is difficult to describe this book. I read it because my sister insisted and had handed it to me. I learned so, so much. By the time I had finished it I had ordered my own copy. It explained so much to me about what was happening with my own mother when my sister and I were trying to see to her care. We were so inadequate with our understanding of what she was experiencing. Although I bought my own copy, I hope never to need to hand it to my sons to read so that they can understand what is happening to me.

“… the self is the central certainty, the magnet to which all facts adhere. It is the underlying premise on which all our separate realities are built. Without a self, there’s no means of either perceiving or interpreting facts. Descartes got it backward; he should have said, ‘I am, therefore I think.’ My mother could sense that core within beginning to fracture, and she was terrified.”

My own mother was disappointed in me. When I tried to talk with her about seeing things that weren’t there, she simply said, ‘You were the one I thought I could count on to believe me.’ I was too hard with her. I would reply, ‘You always told me to tell you when you could no longer count on your own senses, and I’m telling you, Mother, there was nothing there.” I felt the cold facts were the most important thing. But she had to be afraid. She was afraid and that is why she insisted what she saw was real. It was too frightening to admit that she was wrong.

[Karen R. Dickson · Rating 4 out of 5]

While my own mother is living in a Memory Care unit with Alzheimer's, I am not her main caregiving visitor...that's my brother who lives a couple hours away. Still, I could empathize with much of Owens' words. She tends to be driven to understand everything about her mother's diseases, and at times I found the scientific jargon tedious. Yet, Owens hits the heart of much we leave unsaid in dealing with the long years it may take our parents to die. It is definitely a journey, and one we have no idea whether or not we will be forced to take. Faith...that's all we really have to hold on to.

[Lauri Struve · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read

If you are a child turned "carer" this is a must read. It will strike close to home and true to heart.

[AngelaGay Kinkead · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book discussion group. Guide included.

[Russrook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Painfully beautiful account of Virginia Stem Owens final days with her mother. A real and rich resource for anyone who is loving a loved one to dementia.

[Skipr · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of Virginia Owens' ordeal - and there's no other way to put it - of caring for her mother as she declined into Parkinson's and stroke-induced dementia. Over and over I thought, "Yep, that's the way it happened," because our family went through the same thing with my dad. I could also relate to many of Owens' coping mechanisms; for example, when faced with bad stuff she goes into information gathering mode. Owens' doesn't avoid the tough questions that are inevitable when you watch someone's (especially a parent's) personality, character, and faith distort into something totally different and then fade and disappear all together. Owens is honest. And so, while she explores the questions, she doesn't pretend to have the answers. Yet, she is able to hold onto faith in God. When thinking of these horrific diseases of dementia, I often think of a nun who was being interviewed as part of a study of Alzheimer's with which she had been diagnosed. The interviewer asked if she worried about the time when perhaps she would forget God. She replied, "No. I believe Jesus will remember me."

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good book at first, a real emotionally good story that makes you want to read more. But the writer suddenly adds fillers half way through that have no need to be in the book. She rambles about psychologically and history, causing me to skim quiet a few paragraphs. When she does go back into her and her mothers interaction and progress, the story of her mother is truly beautiful. Then sadly it abruptly ends, going back on to religious babble. It was overall OK.

[Mary F · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read this over the last several months, lingering as I process my own experience. This book echo's my experience as a caregiver and encourages me to continue. I'm only a short way down this path, if we can ever know. I appreciate the exploration of what the essential person is when the person we care for no longer recognizes us.

[Faye · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was distracted by the author's constant tense shifts from past/present and decided there wasn't a "literary" reason-just screw-ups....I did learn how much dementia is a part of Parkinson's, but I've read much better caregiver/goodbye books.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is on the 2010 UMW Reading Program list. So far, It's very readable and filled with compassion for our elders. I found that it validates the feelings that I have had regarding my experiences caring for my mother-in-law and helps me to better understand where she's coming from.

[Marsena Adams-Dufresne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tender story that gave me comfort in the best way a book can: to let me know I'm not alone as I care for my great aunt whose memory is failing. Owens' tale is engaging, human, and beautiful.

[Todd Putney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on caring for elderly loved ones