The Introvert and Extrovert in Love: Making It Work When Opposites Attract

by Marti Laney, Michael L. Laney

The Innie and Outie Guide to a Great Relationship We use the words everyday, but what does it really mean to be an introvert or an extrovert? And what does it mean to be an introvert in a romantic relationship with an extrovert? Can it work? Surprisingly, psychologists tell us that despite their obvious differences, introverts and extroverts can enjoy a strong, stable-and fun-relationship. The key to introvert/extrovert bliss lies in understanding what makes the other person tick and using your differences to help balance and enrich the relationship. This book offers advice for making it The book is based on current scientific research and innie/outie interviews. It is also based upon the authors' personal experiences as a mixed couple—introvert Marti Olsen Laney and extrovert Michael Laney have been happily married for more than forty-two years. They must be doing something right!

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Marriage, Love

232 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2007

Reviews

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first came across this book on Amazon when it began to come clear to me over the summer that I was dating an extrovert (how did that happen!?). Upon discovering this, I was overcome with a sense of doom--it would never work!! So I did a Google search on extrovert-introvert relationships and realized I wasn't alone. When I said yes to marrying an extrovert, I decided it was time to read this book.

It's a quick, easy read, and although it's set up like a relationship self-help book, its greatest strength comes from its accessible explanation of how the introvert/extrovert processes information, laying out temperament differences as something permanent (with a bit of malleability) and not something that should be changed, resented, or taken personally. Just knowing that is enough to smooth over minor bumps in introvert-extrovert interactions, so the actual "tips" for such interactions felt a little condescending. At the same time, I do appreciate that the authors took theoretical information and outlined some concrete ways to use it.

This book may have tried to do a bit too much; it seems almost laughable to have just a few sections about raising kids together as an innie/outie couple when hundreds of books exist to try to untangle the mystery of parenting. Still, this serves as a good introduction that can lay some nice groundwork for increased acceptance of both oneself and one's partner, and there are other books to pursue if you're interested in going deeper into any specific aspect of your relationship.

[Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

So, I get that this book is written mostly from the experiences of its authors but there’s a lot of generalizations. I’m a female right brained extrovert in a relationship with a male left brained introvert so I was excited to see if this book could help us out with some issues that pop up just from personality differences. I found this book was really hard on extroverts, basically calling us selfish, disinterested in getting deep, looking for the instant gratification, being disorganized and not great listeners... this couldn’t be further from the truth for me personally. But what’s interesting is some of those things actually reminded me more of my boyfriend actually! But maybe that’s more of a man vs woman issue. Idk, I just didn’t feel that it totally portrayed me nor my boyfriend correctly, BUT because of that, it did open some conversations for us lol.
There were some interesting parts but overall it didn’t really give me (or him) any ah ha moments.

[Sarah Goodner · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's like this book was written specifically for my partner and me. He is a classic "innie" (introvert), and I am the quintessential "outtie" (extrovert). There are so many things that I would never have understood about my paramour without having this book as a guide. Fortunately, he had two copies and let me have one. I would recommend this book to anyone who is in an extrovert/introvert relationship. After all, you're speaking two different languages, and it's good to have a translator.

[Amanda Ford · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an extrovert married to an introvert I found this book very helpful! It really opened my eyes to introverted communication styles and made me aware of extrovert tendencies I have that could be off-putting to my “innie” friends and family. It’s actually a quick read, ignore the fact it took me 3 months to finish.

[Christy Matchett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for inne and outie couples. We really appreciated the technical data along with the psychological information for the different personality types. Some of the examples are a bit out there with the “conversation candle” but overall it’s a good read and incredibly helpful.

[Charles C. Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Understanding personality types especially in emotional issues as love and romance is a course study every human being should have. The author explains how it's not all about me and we often don;t pass the course in getting along with everybody. Some people are enigmas and can never be figured out. Explanations helped me to learn to live and let live in a much better life.

[Robert Więckowski · Rating 3 out of 5]

For me, the book is a 3.5-star read.

[Seana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just went back to reread parts of this. It’s pretty comprehensive so I needed to take a break and read again.

[Kate Irwin-smiler · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was almost enough to convince me that I'm not actually an introvert (or "innie" - vs. "outie", as the authors insist on calling them). They present the differences as physiological, making the characteristics appear immutable- but very little of their descriptions of introverts resonated with me. They consistently describe "innies" as soft spoken, quiet, and basically socially inept. At one point they suggest that introverts would like careers as librarians so they can work uninterrupted - second introvert book that I've read suggesting that. (I AM a librarian. They're off base.) but the worst was suggesting that they should be PRESCHOOL TEACHERS. I can't think of a worse career for an introvert.

Needless to say: I wasn't very impressed.

[Kim Ledford · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been reading a lot of relationship books, and I was so surprised that there weren't more books about introverts and extroverts like this one! I thought it was a good book overall, but will probably have little actual impact for our relationship.
First, it reads like a self-published book. Applications to life don't read smoothly, chapters could flow better, examples they gave weren't easy to apply.
It has a lot of lists, but I think it gets too specific. It reads like it is for about one specific relationship than for the general intended audience.
At the very least, it helps to know that someone out there has great success with this "opposite" relationship.
Also "innie" and outie" sounds very very silly.
Worth a try even though it didn't connect with me.

[Ashley Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love reading about personality type and relationship compatability so this book was right up my alley. I thought the section of the book that explained neurological differences between introverts and extroverts was fascinating. However, I think the authors could have done more in regards to explaining how to make introvert and extrovert differences work effectively within the context of romantic relationships

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

May be worth reading if you are in an introvert/extrovert relationship. The authors' decision to refer to introverts and extroverts as "innies" and "outies" throughout the entire book rankled me; the book was written to be accessible to the point that it almost seems juvenile, even though it is targeting married/cohabiting couples. Despite the sugarcoating, the book contains some good points and recommendations.

[April]

I enjoyed the other book written by this author so I thought I would enjoy this. Ended up it is a difficult read because it feels like the author tries to get empathy from readers that it is very difficult for introverts to survive daily life. Most of the points are repeated if you have read Introvert Advantage, but if you have not, it probably is helpful to you.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful for us, especially as we're traveling the world together. ;) I'm close to the middle of the scale but I'm a little more extroverted, so the introvert tips are helpful for me personally as well as helpful in understanding my partner.

[Aaron Wong · Rating 4 out of 5]

Apart from all the brain-based sections that I guess was necessary to establish the science between introvert-extrovert differences, I found most of this book extremely practical, insightful, and useful. Chock-full of great advice.

[Kristen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book more than the Introvert Advantage. I felt that it gave some really good examples of how to interact more productively.

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn't impressed. It was OK. I'm not sure what it was lacking, but it was definitely lacking something. Not as informative or life changing or insightful as I was hoping for.

[Sheila · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really helped me understand my spouse (an introvert) a lot better.