Male Sexuality: Why Women Don't Understand It-And Men Don't Either

by Michael J. Bader

At first glance the sexual male seems easy to understand, but beneath the surface lie complexities that disrupt lives and relationships. Why can men be so distant in bed? Why do many men love porn so much? And can he love porn and still love his wife? Respected psychologist Michael Bader takes an honest look at the nuances of male sexuality, addressing issues such as sexual boredom, internet sex, and sexual fantasies that can leave women bewildered and men ashamed. Illustrated with engaging examples from his practice, Male Sexuality gives readers, both women and men, deeper understanding of male behavior from the flamboyant to the mundane. Through increased awareness of the psychology behind the sex, Bader aims to enhance individual self-esteem and improve communication in relationships.

Genres: Sexuality, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships

168 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 3, 2008

About the author

Dr. Michael Bader is a psychologist and psychoanalyst with over 30 years of clinical experience. He received a Doctor of Mental Health degree at the University of California, San Francisco, in 1980, and became licensed as a Clinical Psychologist in January 1984, he currently combines a private practice in San Francisco with his work as a senior advisor for the Institute4Change, an interdisciplinary team of change experts devoted to developing leaders of progressive organizations and providing them consultation around issues of strategy and organizational change.

Dr. Bader has written extensively for both academic and popular audiences. His primary intellectual interests are in exploring the intersection of psychology, culture, and politics. He has written over 50 articles for popular magazines, both print and on-line, including The Huffington Post, Alternet, and Tikkun Magazine. In these, he analyses vital political controversies, crises, and struggles using the wisdom and insights gained in his long clinical career. His arguments—and his theoretical agenda—usually involve weaving together a sophisticated understanding of politics and history with a psychological approach that appreciates the importance of unconscious desires and conflicts.

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are at all interested in looking past old assumptions about the minds and hearts of these wonderful creatures, this is the book for you. If you are just curious, you will still be rewarded by reading. At the very least you will come away with a new appreciation for the cum shot.

There was a time when I based what I thought about men’s internal lives on what I saw in porno movies, predators I encountered when I was running the streets and badly executed sexual experiences as a teenager. I am sure I was influenced to some extent by the jokes people made on TV and everywhere else about which head guys used to think with, or the bored housewife who contemplated what color to paint the ceiling while hubby was on top of her.

In contrast to this, there were always boys and men that I admired, and appreciated for their thoughtfulness and kind words at certain times in my life. I hoped, but I wasn’t convinced, that men were actually capable of thought and feeling while their sex parts were engaged. The ex-boyfriend reinforced this idea by saying all men ever wanted was to get laid and would lie, cheat, steal and sometimes murder to do it. One bit of advice I never forgot: “They all cheat. Put a man in a room alone with a woman who is ready to go. He. Will. Cheat. The smart ones just know how to keep themselves out of that situation.” Every single man I have told this to has confirmed the validity of the statement.

Depressing if you’ve ever taken on a relationship commitment that assumes you, the dutiful woman are expected to be faithful.

What I imagined went on in their minds went something like this: Gooood. Weeeeeeeeet. Soooooooooooft. Tight! Over and over until the big bang. The men I questioned did little to help. Whenever I asked what sex was like I got some variation of this: “Really good! Ummm. Like, it’s hot and wet and umm, even when it is bad it feels really good.”

Now I see I was asking the wrong question. I still wonder what things would have been like if I had read Marco Vassi as a teenager.

Common jokes and frustrations are explored in this book, from porn addiction, workplace aggression, infidelity, and what one might call plain old selfishness…He’s already done, and you Oh My Sister, were about to achieve full levitation. He might as well have dropped your ass on the cold hard floor. It’s Not Fair!!!(Had to reference that great song by Lily Allen)

Bader argues that this behavior might actually be a sign that he is more worried about pleasing you than you might assume as you lay dying. He says that what the guy is really dealing with is an excessive concern about the wellbeing of women, beginning of course with his mother. This results in an additional sense of responsibility, and leads to an increase in anxiety which results in them ignoring their own feelings, and those of the women they are with.

If you’re like me you’ll have one eyebrow raised as you read this. You may even scratch your head and think, you mean he’s not just being a jerk because he has gotten away with it his whole life? By the end of the book, you might find the author makes an excellent case for at least considering the possibility that more is going on.

And if this is true, you’ve opened yourself up to everything else the book suggests. He introduces the notion that men are only allowed to show their feelings with women who are not equipped to understand everything about them; this burdens women and limits men in their emotional development. Huge! Did you know there were things called Men’s Groups? Awesome deals these…

Several topics in the book will benefit women directly. He addresses the power of fantasy (sex is all in the mind, baby) pathogenic beliefs--thoughts that cause you to do things that are unhealthy and one of the most important: ruthlessness, a concept that means you must be selfish in order to get off. He says that excitement breaks down under worry or guilt. Ah-hah! So let go of those miserable thoughts, (often planted by advertisers) that plague the bedroom. Stop worrying about your breath, your jiggling whatever or the noises you make, and as the author encourages, stop worrying about him! You are already in bed, enjoy yourself and he will too.

Chapters that cover youth fantasies, rape fantasies (this one was a real eye opener and I suggest reading this very closely before jumping to conclusions) aggression and pornography, make this book really really valuable.

The examples he gives of patients he has seen in his thirty year career worked really well to make this book accessible. One example he gave was a man who liked to have sex from behind so he could be spared the inevitable (in his mind) look of disappointment on the woman’s face. Another was about a couple who were having sexual problems due to changes in the wife’s body. Neither one of them would stop to consider the reasons for what the other was feeling. The wife felt hurt because the husband refused to use extra lubricant as part of their bedroom scene, and the husband felt insulted because she was no longer able to get wet when she was with him. He felt that this was a reflection on him as a person. If you’re able to set aside whatever judgments are easy to make in this type of situation, the lesson about communication is a powerful one.

The author is not saying that lying, cheating, and investing precious time in addictive behavior is admirable, but does give excellent reasons why these things happen.

He agrees that wives have a right to be angry when husbands lie, or spend time away from home maintaining extra-marital affairs, or nursing fantasy relationships instead of putting that energy into their own real life relationship. The author also offers (again, setting aside the seductive need to judge) that the wife should be aware that real life may come with the belief, that home and his wife are where he has to face his failure, his inadequacy, his inability to truly make her happy. The fantasy women whether they are strippers, prostitutes, women behind a chat room screen or actors in adult movies represent a place to go to be free of all that and just enjoy themselves.

This is an important book and I hope anyone interested in the topic of sexual issues(the sections on pathogenic beliefs and ruthlessness would probably even resonate with women having sex with women) will give some attention to.

[Sveti · Rating 4 out of 5]

About the book:
The beginning was good, it shed light on the subject of why femininity is so violently rejected by boys. It is an interesting point of view. And the fact that they reject the typical “feminine” values violently (a thing girls don't have to do) and adopt the “masculine” values in order to differentiate from their mothers (who are usually also their caretakers) as they grow up.
- The other interesting idea he presents is that through understand one's sexual fantasies we can deduce what he or she need not only physically, but in psychological terms. This was an interesting approach – fantasies as a road to understanding one's unconscious, just in the way Freud viewed dreams. The author insists that understanding sexual fantasies is even a quicker way to get to the unconscious than the analysis of dreams.
So far so good. There were too many examples sometimes and sometimes too little, also I didn't fully agree with the interpretations of some of them.

- For example the section about infidelity was by no means comprehensive since it did cover only one case scenario. (a husband and wife, the hisband cheating on the wife). There is really so much that can be said about this topic. For example the infidelity which is typical nowadays – while one of the partners is loyal, the other sleeps around with multiple partners. This case was not at all discussed, while the husband and wife scenario was presented as the most common and that it was due to lack of understanding between the partners, not to total lack of desire for understanding (because of the lack of respect and caring attitude toward the partner) which is quite often the case.
- The exposition of men's attitude toward pornography was, all in all, neatly done and even enlightening at some points.

- But in the section where the author descibes the attraction of men to young females, and not to their aging partnes was not at all convincing. It seemed to me that he was making a rationalization, so typical for people who do not want to admit the truth, but instead want to expain things in a nice way. The author wrote that men are attracted to younger women because with their unblemished skin and the freshness of their life, not burdened by bitterness – they do not resemble men's tired and unhappy mothers or/and wives. And that is why men like young girls.
Well, that is simply not true. As I see it he's just trying to avoid admitting (even to himself) that men like young women, because they're likely to be more healthy and so would be the potential babies. That's the reason men are attracted to young and healthy girls, and that is why they are sexy – because they're young and healthy. - That is the real reason why men like them, not because they don't resemble men's mothers.
In my opinion, it is just too cruel a truth for the author to be able to face, because it is indeed very unfair – and that is precisely why he tries to give another rational phychological explanation which is less cruel and also less honest.
These are the facts. And I think it's crucial for both men and women to understand them because only thus they will be able to build a relationship founded on honestly and realise that this is not the whole picture.
There is a profoundly deep, strong and rewarding bond that can be build between men and women who respect and care about each other, People can care about each other and love one another even as they age, even as though, chances are they will be attracted to younger people. The question is how strong a bond they have built. Because if it is really good and worth it – they will not want to hurt each other even though they' are under the influence of youth's attraction. Of course, that is rare. But it's up to all of us how things will be... That is how things are, and I thing they should be said straight-forwardly.

- I liked the chapter “Sad Moms, distant Dads”which doesn't blame mainly mothers for the effect they have on their children as primary caretakers, but also puts emphasis on the fact that if there is a healhty male model for the children to learn from – boih the mother and the children will be better, and the children will be healtier when they grow up. In his point of view dads are distant because they don't know how to communicate well enough their real emotions, and since they are male – they have almost violently rejected the femininity and its ways of communication so as to differentiate from it. Which is bad, because it makes them unbalanced. Masculinity is not rejection of femininity, but the acceptance of it and understanding and appreciating the difference. But since boys usually don't have a balanced and available paternal model, they too in their turn reject femininity in order to “become men”, it's vicious cycle only understanding and caring about each other can break.
What I'd like to add to this chapter is my understanding of the current situation, which is that western societies (including my own, although I'm from Eastern Europe) do not encourage a development of the personality, but actively promote consumerism. This affets the relationships between people. They do not really care about each other, but rather want to consume what the partner can offer and then easily get tired and quickly need a change. They consume a relationship just like they would consume renewable goods. And don't see the immense difference, which is the approach, the way of treating both things and people. This very approach (of anxiously consuming or treating with respect) has the power to make a sad and distant life - happy and balanced...
We all have limited chances in life, we shouldwe should take them, and not waste them unwisely, because they will be over one day. I think it is crucial to remember that because it can motivate us to lead a quality life free of addictions (to consume more of whatever it is) and fear (to find who we are and be ourselves).
Only if we know who we are - we can be happy. And we can love each other because we see each other, not because we hide our eyes from the truth.


- I also agree with his convictions about politics.: It is not sensible or sane to make a law which judges people for their thought, Thoughts and action are different things even if the thoughts are awful beyond description.

I can write about this book a couple more pages but I think it's enough to say that it is an interesting read, which I enjoyed even though I disagreed here and there. We all have different points of view, and there's always more to be said about a topic that is complicated. Thumbs up for the effords of the author!

[Maher Razouk · Rating 5 out of 5]

الديناميات الخفية وراء الجنسانية البشرية
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قبل أن نحدد ما هو خاص في النشاط الجنسي الذكوري ، نحتاج أولاً إلى التفكير في ما هو عالمي. الأهم من ذلك هو أن الجنس يبدأ في العقل وينتقل إلى أسفل ، وليس العكس.

تأمل للحظة لماذا يمكن أن تكون الملامسة البسيطة لشحمة الأذن من شفتي العشيق مثيرة للغاية ، بينما يتسبب ملامسة الأعضاء التناسلية أثناء الفحص الطبي إلى الشعور بالبرد والانكماش . يكمن الاختلاف في معنى الأحداث ، والمعنى تصنعه أذهاننا ، وليس مناطقنا الجنسية.

إذن ، بالنسبة لكلا الجنسين ، فإن رحلة الرغبة الجنسية ليست رحلة منعكس بسيط. بين رغبتنا الفطرية وقدرتنا البيولوجية على المتعة والترابط والأشكال الخاصة التي تتخذها في حياة الأفراد من الرجال والنساء ، يكمن نظام نفسي إما يسمح للعملية الجنسي بالازدهار أو يغلقها تمامًا. هذا "النظام" غير واعي ويمكن أن يكون حقل ألغام للرغبة الجنسية.

في أعمق مستوى في أذهاننا ، لدينا جميعًا مشاعر ومعتقدات تعقّد الإثارة الجنسية. على سبيل المثال ، يميل الكثير منا إلى الشعور بالذنب على وجه الخصوص والقلق بشأن الآخرين. كما سنرى ، فإن مثل هذه المشاعر لا تتوافق مع الشعور بالتخلي الأناني الضروري للعقل البشري ليصبح متحمسًا جنسيًا.

يشعر الآخرون بالضعف تجاه مشاعر الخزي والرفض أو أنهم عرضة لمشاعر عدم الكفاءة ، ومثل هذه الحالات السلبية دائمًا ما يكون لها تأثير مخيف على الرغبة. يكفي أن نقول إن البشر معقدون جدا بحيث لا يمكننا إثارة أقل قدر من الإثارة بينما نشعر بالمسؤولية المفرطة تجاه الآخرين ، أو القلق بشأن رفاهيتهم ، أو الشعور بالعار والرفض ، أو الاكتئاب تجاه أنفسنا.

ومع ذلك ، من منا لم يشعر بالذنب أو الرفض؟ في حين أن الرغبة في المتعة عالمية وقد تكون القدرة على الشعور بها صعبة ، فإن كل شخص يمتلك مزيجًا من المشاعر والمعتقدات التي تجعل الإثارة الجنسية مشكلة محتملة.

لاحظ أنني قلت من المحتمل أن تكون مشكلة. نفس العقل الذي يخلق مشكلة للإثارة الجنسية يوفر أيضًا - من باب المجاملة للخيال - حلاً محتملاً. نرى مثل هذه الحلول من حولنا: تسمى التخيلات الجنسية والتفضيلات الجنسية.

التخيلات والتفضيلات الجنسية هي المركبات التي من خلالها تتصدى عقولنا للتأثير المروع لمشاعر الذنب والقلق والعار والرفض والعجز وتجعلها آمنة بما يكفي لتجربة المتعة. على سبيل المثال ، أحب أحد المرضى إطفاء الأنوار أثناء ممارسة الجنس لتقليل مشاعر الخجل تجاه جسده ، وكانت غرفة النوم المظلمة هي الحالة التي يشعر فيها بالأمان الكافي من مشاعر العار . القضاء على الاتصال البصري ، وبالتالي تقليل خطر الاضطرار إلى القلق بشأن ما إذا كان شريكه الجنسي راضيًا.
فضل شخص آخر العكس - التواصل البصري المستمر - من أجل الحصول على نوع معين من الطمأنينة ضد خطر محسوس من الرفض أو التخلي. وانجذب آخر بشكل خاص إلى النساء الأصغر سناً لأنه تخيل أن شبابهن يمثل السعادة والطاقة المتفائلة ، وبالتالي ، سوف يقاوم إحساسه المزمن والمبالغ بالالتزام بإسعاد النساء.
كان على آخر أن يتخيل أنه مهيمن جنسيًا للتخلي عن العبء النفسي للشعور بالمسؤولية المفرطة .

كانت هذه السيناريوهات الجنسية حلولا للمشاكل. لدينا جميعًا نسخة من هذه المشكلات ، ونقوم جميعًا بتطوير الحلول الصحيحة في سعينا للحصول على المتعة الجنسية ، ومثال من مراهقتي الخاصة يوضح هذه النقطة بشكل أكبر. عندما كنت في الخامسة عشرة من عمري ، كنت أعشق فتاة. التي ، في وقت لاحق ، ربما شعرت بنفس الشعور. ومع ذلك ، كانت خجولة وكنت متوتراً جدا . أتذكر أنها كانت تسير إلى منزلها ذات ليلة وأنا أفكر بيأس في نفسي أنني يجب أن آخذ يدها أو أضع ذراعي حولها ومع ذلك شعرت بالشلل وأنني لا أستطيع القيام بذلك

ما الذي كنت أخاف منه؟ حسنًا ، الرفض بالطبع. لكن عندما أفكر في هذا الموقف ، أدرك أن خوفي من الرفض يستند إلى افتراضين غير عقلانيين وغير واعيين تمامًا: أولاً : أن الفتيات يميلون بشكل طبيعي إلى الشعور بالتطفل والإرهاق من اهتماماتي الجنسية. وثانيًا : أنه لسبب ما ، لم يكن من المفترض أن أكون عاطفياً لهذه الدرجة ، كلا المعتقدين كان لهما تأثير مخيف على رغبتي الجنسية.

لكن في سياق عائلتي الأصلية ، كانت هذه المعتقدات منطقية تمامًا. كانت والدتي في كثير من الأحيان مزعجة وغير سعيدة ومن الواضح أنها مستاءة من والدي (غالبًا لسبب وجيه). مثل معظم الأطفال ، نشأت مع افتراض غير مقصود أن الأحاسيس التي رأيتها في والدتي كانت تكمن تحت السطح في كل النساء. في هذه الحالة ، عممت من والدتي وطوّرت اعتقادًا سريًا بأن النساء معرضات للاختلال مع الرجال وفي الحياة ، وهو الإحساس الذي أوصلني إلى أنه لن يكون مرحبًا بمبادراتي الجنسية الذكورية. تأثرت ثقتي الجنسية بسبب ذلك.
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Michael J. Bader
Male Sexuality
Translated By #Maher_Razouk

[Marielle DeTorres · Rating 5 out of 5]

For a psych addict, this book is a game changer. The topic of sexuality, let alone one that focuses on male sexuality, is often considered taboo in the Philippines. We think of sexuality as if it exists in a vacuum, highly individual and separate from social, cultural, and political influence. Part of the stigma that goes with discussing sexual preferences and fantasies involves how deep-seated and central these natural desires are, and we are often too afraid to approach the topic given how seemingly scary, complicated, and unreachable these currents reside within the mind and body.

But this book is an easy and great read, with a lot of insights on how the unconscious mind uses sexual fantasy as a counteracting measure against pathogenic (limiting, inhibiting, disempowering) beliefs. It also spells out the hidden logic of the negative emotions such as guilt, shame, and loneliness that arise as a result of sexual desire.

I give it 5/5. I feel like I became more understanding and freed from the popular notion that men want only sex and nothing more. As Michael Bader says in the book, men's sexuality is not simple. And we should not approach it as such.

[Adrian Colesberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Less than halfway through this brilliant book Bader already changed several ideas I had about my sex life. Must reading for anyone who is a man or anyone who has sex with a man. He calls for a broader understanding of men's liking for pornography and for the kind of behavior that is generally filed under unloving and callous. In one way, I wish I'd read this book before writing How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry but in another way, I'm glad I hadn't. I avoided psychodynamics so carefully and Bader is so right-on about so many things that I think I would have kept some of his psychodynamic thinking in.

[Frank Oswald · Rating 2 out of 5]

His general theory for understanding male sexuality and arousal is very useful, and I think it would be of benefit for couples to better understand eachother throughout the fluctuations of desire and intimacy inherent in a committed relationship. When it comes to pornography, I feel like Bader is too busy trying to redeem male sexuality and goes too far. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised since his name is literally Mr. Bader. He's just wrong about pornography being a harmless vice. The book was written in the 2000s so the medium hadn't fully come into being, but still. Towards the end of the book he makes a defense of pedophiles and insists that society has a "moral obligation to treat everyone, perpetrator and victim, as worthy of empathy and respect." In the process of making his case he gaslights society for their "moral panics," giving examples like the McMartin sex abuse scandal (if you read Programmed to Kill by David McGowan you will quickly learn that "false memory" is a fabricated concept to protect child abusers and discredit victims), and McCarthyism (even though McCarthy turned out to be completely correct in his assessment of communist infiltration into the American political apparatus.)
Later when he takes on the appeal of youth in male desire his use of the word "symbolic" starts to do a lot of heavy lifting. This is made worse still by virtue of the fact that his entire analysis is absent of the biological role that reproduction plays in shaping human sexuality and mate choice via fertility markers.
Even so, I still think his core idea is very useful for helping couples understand eachother, but his avoidance of biology, smug ignorance about the historical record, amoral stance on pornography, and his muddying of the waters to make a circuitous case for "understanding pedophilia" are all glaring spots on the authors overall credibility.

If you're on the fence about pornography, listen to this:
https://fdrpodcasts.com/3811/your-bra...

[Ben · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading an earlier book & the first paragraph of this, I was on the extreme defensive and ready to hate it. It turned around and ended up being a fascinating look at aspects of male psychology I haven't heard elsewhere, and seem very important to understanding men's sexuality in a deep and meaningful way. (Far beyond the usual "men have bla bla bla desires")

Interesting things
- the separation of men (adolescents?) from their mothers and how this relates to masculinity. Growing up to seek the attention of other women (girls?) involves pushing away their mothers, and how their mothers react to this affects their relationships with other women.
- the role of guilt and feeling that they need to take care of women / be responsible for their emotions that is common among many men & how they respond to this differently.
- a psychologically realistic view of porn and sexual fantasies.
- an interesting discussion of how fear or pedophiles is related to fear of aspects of male sexuality. There were several chapters/sections on the appeal of youth in psychologically symbolism & pedophilia. I'm very hesitant to take these parts as given as they make some pretty controversial (and possibly important claims) without reading more on the topic.
- the necessity of objectification and sexual "ruthlessness" (quality of relatedness in which the other person is experienced as not needing to be taken care of and thus can be taken for granted)
- male sexuality in the context of 20th century western history,

Initially I was skeptical of many of the author's points and writing style- they wrote from what seemed at first glance like updated Freud, but is probably more realistic, and their view of sexual fantasies as a window into someone's psychology seemed liked a stretch.

This book improved my relations with the other gender and myself.

[Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

- A fascinating book. To begin, the simple idea is that people simply don't understand themselves enough. Furthermore, they also don't communicate with their partners, afraid of hurting each others' feelings

- It's very important to understand that as a child, child thinks everything happened in the world is about them. For instance, parents having argument that has nothing to do with the child, the child often would think it's because of the child (because in the child's world they don't know what they don't know)

- Much of the sexual thought is unconscious

- Sexual fantasy usually has the same rules underneath that explains why the fantasy comes to be

- "The superficial meaning or intention of a sexual fantasy or preference is often contradicted by its deeper motivation"

- Sexual fantasies are psychological strategies to solve problems, and are not biological or moral deviations

- Unlike girls, boys have the innate need to separate from femininity while growing up to establish masculinity (by leaving their mother). However, by doing so, boys often have to pay a very high emotional price

- Boys then are looking to have close relationships with their fathers who they can emulate with. However, healthy masculine role models are hard to come by and boys are often left alone to find the path

- "Mothers often add to their sons' difficulties in several ways. They may, in reality, envy and resent the fact that their sons are growing up, leaving their sphere of influence and laying claim to privileges from which some mothers may feel excluded"

- Girls, on the other hand, don't need to leave their mother while growing up. However, the consequences of it is often girls feel guilty of becoming more successful than their mothers (thus often self-sabotage)

- Survivor guilt: the feeling that a person's success is built on someone else's failure. That the more I get, the less is for you. Many children of both sexes grow up with such feeling

- When people grow up with such guilt, they think they're unworthy of good things in life

- Masculinity could often mean boys would reject intimacy (steam from leaving their mother, yet often can't find a father figure to replace). Thus, empathy for such boys became dangerous because the inner urge of such boys to reject maternal love yet doesn't have the understanding of fatherly love

- Thus, boys would often try to distant themselves from women's feeling as a way to cope with inner need of masculinity

- On the other hand, girls growing up with impaired father who can't control himself (uncontrollable rage, drinking problems etc) makes the girl feeling male are generally weak and pathetic

- A child is the shadow of their parents. Thus, many of the sexual linkage of everyone can be traced from their parents' experiences

- When boys grow up with mother who have victim mentality, they grow up feeling women are needy, critical, demanding and hard to please. They often would project such deficiencies to their partner

- Victim of sexual abuse often blame themselves for it. The victim, often damaged by their very caretaker, becomes disoriented in the world because of their inability to comprehend what happened to them

[Stephen Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Many men are actually highly sensitive to evidence that their partners are unhappy or unsatisfied, feeling that the satisfaction of women, like that of their mothers, is their responsibility and yet almost impossible to achieve."
The above quotation from Bader's 'Male Sexuality' struck me as so elementally correct that I ended up using it to begin Chapter 10 ("Why Men Go Missing in Bed") of my book, Love Worth Making.
Male Sexuality is an invaluable book for any sex or relationship therapist working with men. Its insights into men's sense of hopelessness about pleasing their female partners are well worth studying in detail.
My only problem with the book is that it spends far too much time dealing with adult male children of depressed mothers. True, this is an important subgroup. But it's just a constellation -- not the whole galaxy.

[EMMANUEL · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book to explore the academic literature of the psychology of male sexuality. The reason for such interest was because of the variance of social characters, personalities, and behaviors from guys. Not all guys exhibit the same social and sexual behavior. And. I wanted to develop a secured understanding of about the commonalities of male sexualities that allow for such variance differences that secure every guy in of their own unique personal identity. Thus. Securing their self in of what I considered the modern evolutionized organismic method of sexual selection and environmental adaptation.

[Dora · Rating 5 out of 5]

An unexpectedly interesting and unique book on male sexuality. It provides an explanation of how different sexualities are formed, which in return makes one more emphatic to other's needs.

[Nick Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic read, Mr Bader nails it. insightful and brave. Gave it to my partner to read, I recommend it to men and women alike

[Matthew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpfull book if your wondering about certain issues. Plenty of case studies in the book and author doesn't force a conclusion on the reader.

[Elizabeth]

suggested by several at July OR AASECT Meeting/ used by Chris Allen
requested it from Worldcat



It seems that we all have sexual fantasies based on our pathologies, men more than women because they have to separate from their mothers and not be sissies. Oh and not be guilty or angry, or overly responcible for going out into the rich adventurous male world while leaving their mothers to the dishes.


No mention of class or even of the idea that men who would never have been more than rulers in their own home only 100 years ago now have a better sexual fit than ever was possible before. Of course women have more choices now, so men might have more trouble finding someone to marry.

[Idiosyncratic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful book - too bad more people don't know about it. The basic premise is that men are not irresponsible about sex and their feelings re women, but that they basically feel TOO responsible for women (thanks to screwed-up relationships with their mothers) and hence get all messed up under the perceived pressure. This, of course, does not absolve them from questionable behaviour, but at least gives a starting point for trying to solve problems. Makes sense to me. (Caveat: The chapter entitled "The Politics of Male Sexuality" may make some readers very uncomfortable.)

[Brandon Shire · Rating 3 out of 5]

Insightful.

[Saleh Aljurbua · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book. It has changed my understanding of male sexuality and made sense of many complicated issues.

[Kamakshi Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some of the most interesting research and insights I've read about masculinity so far. Very thought-provoking.

[Hutanu Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a book! A must read. I would recommend it to anyone, men and women as well.